controlling bf???

ABajaninCork

What help do you need? Put your big girl's pants on and just tell him it's not working out and you want to finish. Then block his number and remove him from social media. Change your number if you want...

He'll only talk you round if you let him.

Eeden

You don't need a reason. You are your own person. You can leave just because you want to. You just don't want to be in a relationship with him - that's the only thing you need to say. Say it often if you need to, just don't let him talk you into anything. Stay strong for yourself. His happiness is not your problem.

Czarcasm

kelliyaa wrote: »

Ok so iv decided im going to leave him. I was on the phone to him and i hung up said i was tired and he rang me 15 minutes later with a pretend sleepy voice thinkn that we got cut of when my gut is telling me he was checking up on me to see if i was on the phone to anyone else. maybe im just going crazy i dno. But anyways i want to leave him im already becoming miserable. with him so miserable its making me miss my asshole of an ex bf wich is scary. i just need a good enough reason to tell him so that he doesn't talk me round. any suggestions i need help with this one

Kelli you can download an app for your phone if it's not in settings already that you will be able to block his number from calling or texting you. Then when you're out and about, if he approaches you, don't entertain him, walk into a shop or a restaurant or somewhere there's plenty of people so he doesn't get a chance to make a scene or corner you on your own. With any luck when you're not entertaining him he'll give up quickly enough and allow you to move on with your life.

It might also be an idea for you to make an appointment with your GP to have a chat and maybe get some advice and support about counselling to help you get some perspective on yourself and maybe talk things over with your parents or your friends or somebody who you know will support you and give you some outside perspective on things, because you can't keep allowing yourself to go through this crap with these guys. It'll eventually wear you out and you'll keep repeating the same mistakes over and over, because while there's plenty of great guys out there, you seem to be attracting more than your fair share of assholes.

iwantmydinner

The only reason you ever need to end a relationship is that you don't want to be in that relationship. Don't put yourself in a position that he can talk you round - ie do the break up over the phone, get your mum or dad or a sibling in the room with you to make sure the conversation ends when it needs to, etc.

Just say your piece and be done

If he starts getting dramatic/threatening/pleading - hang up

He's a big boy, he'll be grand, no matter what he says.

LegacyUser

Years ago, I went out with someone like your BF. There was no violence, no anger issues, no rows in public - but yet he managed to put me down and criticise me and my choices, and my family, my work choices, so much so that friends told me afterwards that my personality had completely changed.

I always had self-esteem issues, but had an opinionated streak too! But I just became like his mouthpiece, doing everything he want to, going along with his opinions of everything, explaining away his rudeness to other people. I broke up with him / got back with him so many times that you wouldn't believe. I went out with him until I was almost 21.

You know what made me see the light, my father who wouldn't say boo to anyone took me aside and told me that this guy treated me horribly & thst Id never be happy with him. I was shocked - but it really hit me. I dropped him (and didn't go back, unlike before). And he was an ars*hole OP, I'm so glad I got rid.

About a year later, when my friends were sure they weren't going to be burned again by saying some bad things about him and yet I'd be back with him again in a week, did they tell me what they really thought. They all hated him, they felt he put me and everyone down. They told me that I went from a fun person with opinions to a 'yes woman' to him. That I didn't go out with them unless he was there too. That I didn't seem to have my own mind anymore.

I can't tell you how strongly I feel that you should dump this guy, and never ever EVER go back. He's killing your personality and self-worth by chopping away at you until you don't know where you're at, and don't trust yourself anymore. That's not love, that's scary possessive insecure nasty stuff.

Drop him before he damages you any more.

Neyite

It will be difficult to break up with someone so manipulative. But well done, its an excellent decision, and one you will not regret. Just be careful. Statistically, ending the abusive relationship can escalate the controlling behaviour and can occasionally result in harm to the vicitm, so be aware of that and take steps to stay safe.

Do it in a public place- coffee shop or the like rather than a pub, have a friend nearby you can leave with or go to a friends house afterwards. Gather support around you so he cant get you on your own to plead/talk you around/threaten you. That is important - have friends, family, colleagues aware not to leave you on your own with him if he tries to talk to you after the break up.

Keep it short and concise - dont offer reasons, because if you do, he will plead that he will change those - for instance if you tell him its because he is clingy, he will swear he will change and try and talk you around. So dont offer any reasons that are his fault, if you know what I mean.

Just say something like "I'm not in love with you, I dont see a future with you, and I want us to break up" and repeat your reasons without elaborating. Like a broken record keep repeating the same phrase if you have to.

DONT offer to be friends. If he asks, tell him that you dont think you can be friends. Again, dont give reasons, and dont say maybe, or down the line you might. This will only be used as a way to communicate and manipulate you.

Tell him its best if you dont text or contact each other, and wish him well. Then leave, surround yourself with support from friends or family, and block his number if he begins to harass you. Dont reply to texts, dont listen to emotional manipulation - if he threatens to harm himself, you contact his family and tell them so they can help him, as an ex its not appropriate for you to help if its genuine, and if its a manipulation tool, he will quickly realise it wont work.

Avoid the usual haunts like your local for a while where he might find you to try and talk you around. Let someone trusted know at work if you think he will turn up there.

A clean quick breakup is always best. This is no different except that you probably realise he wont just accept it and walk away, that he might try and stalk you for a bit to try and convince you to get back with him.

kelliyaa

Thanks everyone for all your advice it helped me so much. I broke it off with him today and guess what? he basically told me he has a new woman lined up waiting for him so i know i definitely made the right choice thanks again

Idle Passerby

kelliyaa wrote: »

Thanks everyone for all your advice it helped me so much. I broke it off with him today and guess what? he basically told me he has a new woman lined up waiting for him so i know i definitely made the right choice thanks again

Good riddens! I wouldn't be at all surprised if he comes sniffing around again at some stage. Glad you've seen how pathetic he is, it will be far easier to blow him off next time.

maria34

kelliyaa wrote: »

Thanks everyone for all your advice it helped me so much. I broke it off with him today and guess what? he basically told me he has a new woman lined up waiting for him so i know i definitely made the right choice thanks again

Thats great :-) but dont think he leaves you alone so easily. Count yourself lucky if he has a new woman. But i doubt he has. He is just manipulating you.
The best thing is to avoid him. Dont take calls and answer messages. Otherways that slimy worm will wiggle back in.

Sorry but he was an absolute lunatic. Scary piece of work. You never know how these men turn out so lucky escape.

Stavro Mueller

Well done on getting rid of this man. For what it's worth, I think Maria may be right about the other woman not actually existing. It sounds way too convenient and may be a face saving exercise or an attempt to throw a brickbat at you as you head out the door.

Anyway it's irrelevant now. I can't agree enough with the advice the others have given about you staying single for a while. You're only 21 and have already been through one longish abusive relationship and were on the way to another one. You need to learn how to be single and to work on your self esteem. Try to find out why you seem to attract these sort of men. The good thing about this relationship is that you sensed something was wrong and you took time out to ask people for advice.

ABajaninCork

Good girl!!

New woman lined up, my back foot! He's just styling it out because you dumped his no good, controlling, pathetic ass...

Keep going and don't look back. Be lucky!

Neyite

Well done.

You might find that when he realises you are serious abou the break up that the 'new woman' may just be something he made up in an attempt to get you jealous.

Or if she is real, she is his problem now. Either way, he's not your problem - onwards and upwards!

Legs.Eleven

What an absolute plonker. Fair play to you, girl.

Meauldsegosha

That's great Kelliaa, you did the right thing. If I can offer one more piece of advice, don't go rushing into another relationship. You are 21 and been in two horrible relationships. Spend some time on you, be kind to yourself. Understandably your confidence and self-esteem have taken a bashing so concentrate on yourself and what's important to you.

iwantmydinner

Delighted for you. Yeah, he's no more got another woman lined up than I have Johnny Depp lined up!

I also now think you should take some time and just focus on yourself. It's taken me a just over a year to feel properly happy and comfortable with myself after a crap relationship but I am so glad I waited it out. Its really rewarding.

clodagh96

kelliyaa wrote: »

Ok so i have an amazing bf. He's 23 im 21. Since i met him i.fell in love with him so quickly he was so affectionate and caring always there. Problem is i came out of an abusive relationship 2 years ago and im worried im seeing some of the same signs. He makes me promise all.the time that i will never leave him. He makes out that everything he does is to make me happy. He's very insecure and when im tired at night and want to.hang up the phone he accuses me of textn other guys. But wait the best thing is he wants to get me pregnant so i don't leave him. I swore.id never be in a bad relationship after the last one and i just need other people's opinion so that I know it's not all in my head. Weve only been dating 2 months. All opinions are much appreciated

You may really love each other, but honestly it really doesn't seem like a healthy relationship. It seems like he is very insecure and yes, he is controlling. He may have a lot of issues himself that causes him to control you like this, but (as horrible as it sounds), that's not your problem. Just because somebody clearly has issues that they're not dealing with effectively doesn't mean they can cause unnecessary stress in your life. It sounds like he's putting an awful lot of pressure on you, which no woman needs.
Please don't get pregnant just to please him or keep him. Tell him to sort his behaviour out or just leave him. Good luck gurl!

ABajaninCork

She's already sacked him off...