Single and Miserable :(

fullofbeans

Hey guys,
I'm hoping there's someone out there that can give me some advice or help or just a bit of hope, I'm a single 35 year old woman with an amazing life BUT being single is making me more and more sad, not just because I don't have a partner myself but because I'm fed up losing friends to men and babies. We still meet but all they can talk about it their wonderful men and children, as a result I have started to hate babies and children and don't want to hang out with those friends any more. I have tried to make new friends, tried meetup.com and yes I have made more friends but again they are lost to relationships, what am I to do???? I have tried to find myself a relationship so that I can stop being so lonely but I'm just fundamentally unlucky in love. I have tried internet dating, speed dating, meetup events aimed at singles, night clubs, you name it but I can't meet anyone. I'm funny, smart, interesting and have been told I'm attractive but I can't seem too have anything more than a fling with guys.
I'm an only child and my parents love me to pieces and sometimes that's all that stops me from ending it all.
I have a great job that I love but I'm the only single person in work so there's nobody there to make friends with and lunchtimes are unbearable because everyone compares what their spouse has made for them and it seems like everything out there is put in place to make me feel more miserable.
I lived with a guy for a year, it's a few years ago now but I miss him every single day.
Does anyone else out there feel lost and alone like me?????
What can I do???

First thing to do is to work on making yourself happy in your own right. Happy now, not happy in the future when there's a partner. If you get happy you'll be more appealing to both yourself and everyone else.

What makes you happy? What can you do more of that makes you happy? What do you enjoy? What makes you interesting and interested? Is there anything you always really wanted to do, just for you?

It's so trite but its very true that the people that attract other people are the ones who are content in themselves. So change your focus, get yourself busy doing other things, go to the gym, work on your appearance, do interesting stuff for the sake of it, not just to meet men. Live your life instead of waiting for it to happen to you, and nothing but good things will happen as a result.

fullofbeans

Thanks Candie, I am happy myself but when my friends all disappear it's all pretty sad. I do go to the gym, not saying I'm any supermodel but I don't feel like my appearance needs work in particular, I have lived more than most people in 'happy' relationships, lived abroad, been to most of the places I want to go to, have my own house and car, volunteered in a few different places, had many, many hobbies, I'm just all out of ideas, out of energy!

anthony4335

You forgot, how everyone you know seems to suggest the same things. "you need to get out there, have you tried internet dating" and so on . Sorry I don't have any answers for you but I sympathize with you.

fullofbeans

fullofbeans wrote: »

Thanks Candie, I am happy myself but when my friends all disappear it's all pretty sad. I do go to the gym, not saying I'm any supermodel but I don't feel like my appearance needs work in particular, I have lived more than most people in 'happy' relationships, lived abroad, been to most of the places I want to go to, have my own house and car, volunteered in a few different places, had many, many hobbies, I'm just all out of ideas, out of energy!

I'm glad for that, I just think it usually helps if you feel good about yourself to begin with, I didn't mean to imply you needed working on or did nothing interesting! Sometimes people are just stuck in a rut.

Have you thought of one of those singles travel clubs where you go on a group holiday somewhere exotic? I know someone who did that and she came away with many new friends, a new appreciation of the Taj Mahal and a few dates

fullofbeans

Thanks! I did one of those to Thailand and made two good friends (and one stalker but never mind that!) I honestly do have a good attitude to all of this and a great outlook on life but I'm all out of steam! I sometimes feel that the rest of the world knows something I don't. Like I wasn't in school the day the relationship lesson was on!!

fullofbeans

Yeah, 'the right one is out there' etc......... where????

IlmoNT4

Most people go though this.... except for the very lucky ones who find the right person when they are young...but they are rare. All your friends who are married with babies are projecting the best of their world to you... I know lots of my friends with a marriage and a young family who feel totally overwhelmed, stressed out and miserable. They dont tell anyone the bad stuff. Similarity there are lots of people in bad marriages and terrible situations and no one talks about that either.

I really understand where you are coming from... I use to feel the same way, its almost like everyone has what you want and its a bitter pill to swallow and its really lonely on your own. It can feel that the world is made for couples.

However I decided to stop limited myself and pulling away from my friends and just made a decision to be happy for people...so now when someone is showing my their new house, baby, family holiday etc I really feel happy for them. Make an effort to go and see your mates, even if they have kids... I take my friends kids to the park or go for a walk or just call over for a cup of tea....Makes me feel more human and 10 times out of 10 they are super happy to see someone who can talk about something other than nappies. I've really noticed that just shifting my own attitude to something more positive has really resulted in me feeling much less lonely...When you feel like you are part of the world, its more positive and people respond to that. The way I see it, its your choice how you feel about things. You can choose to feel lonely and miserable, isolate yourself etc or you can change your perspective so that it creates a better life for you, today.
Other thing is dont give up on yourself... Give yourself the best possible chance by embracing everything life throws at you...Go to BBQ's, kids parties, anything you are invited too, you just never know who you'll make friends with...Try not to dismiss someone because they might already be married, they could have a single friend...go into situations to make friends with people and try not to spend too much time on your own. I know for me, weekend after weekend on my own with no one to talk to was seriously depressing.
I hope this helps..Good luck!

I don't think you could get better advice than Loulou's

Especially the bit about keeping things open. Married friends might have single friends, and don't discount people out of hand if they're divorced or have kids, just stay open to everything.

fullofbeans

Thanks so much guys, that's really helpful, I will do my best, maybe tomorrow will be a brighter day.

fullofbeans

fullofbeans wrote: »

Thanks so much guys, that's really helpful, I will do my best, maybe tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Best of luck fof, I'm sure you're a lovely optimistic person, but it's only natural to get down about things from time to time. You just make your life as good as it can be for you, and if anyone comes along in the meantime it's a bonus

Good luck

SineadMarie

Its perfectly normal to feel the way you are. Im in the same boat recently single again. I do believe you have to make yourself happy first and when you least expect it will happen for you. I think it would help you to speak to someone professional it helped me. Good luck.

IlmoNT4

Tomorrow will be a great day for you...

Remember this isnt really about being single...its about how you feel about your own self worth and your own validation. Treat yourself like a VIP. While I'm not advocating materialism and avoiding your emotions by spending lots of money, but it always makes me feel better when I'm managing my self care... eating right, exercising, keeping my flat tidy, wearing nice outfits, feeling good about myself,hair washed, laundry basket managed....Its very easy when your feeling lonely to just give up and say that you dont matter.... Mediation is awesome if you can get into it.

Try and find a buddy who you can talk to openly and honestly about how you feel...Its good to get the madness out of your head Your emotions can take you to strange places at times...
Last thing that really helped me no end is I got a little pet. Everyone needs something to love that isnt going to reject you...I've been living on my own for many years and having something at home that needs you, needs care, attention and love was a real turning point for me. I love animals, but that might not be for you,... but find something that you can give your love you....volunteering, visiting old people, DSPCA, Simon community....Its kinda like sending out positive energy out into the universe... I think through all the sadness and loneliness I have experienced I've learnt that you have to be happy with yourself and be super positive about who you are and what you doing... you have to be able to validate and love yourself no matter whats happening....When you look for your validation from the external world...if I get a boyfriend, new house, new job, have a baby everything will be ok...but these things arent a given, and relationships fail... if you have your own internal validation systems then your'll ride out the storms and you'll be the master of your emotional well being.

fullofbeans

Aw thank you that's so nice I used to volunteer with the DSPCA but it just got inconvenient for me, I still do spend time with animals and that does a lot for me, I eat really well, exercise, take care of my appearance, I think I do everything right (ok so I am messy!) so I wonder what did I miss.... I'm scared of a lifetime of lonliness, I'm 35 so I feel like I have missed the bus, probably not having children now and I feel like a freak among my workmates though I know I'm the smartest one there and one lady in work has told me I'm not entitled to a pension because I have no children, it's coming at me from all angles

Sarn

fullofbeans wrote: »

one lady in work has told me I'm not entitled to a pension because I have no children

Don't mind her, that doesn't make any sense. The point of a pension is to give you money to live on in your retirement, not look after any children that may or may not exist. If you are in the public sector then the child and spouse contribution will disappear in the absence of a spouse or child, although I'm sure that could be challenged.

IlmoNT4

Your not too old to have kids and dont listen to negative people. There is no bus to miss The only bad thing that could happen is that you do yourself a disservice by not living your life for you in a positive way.

dellas1979

Sarn wrote: »

If you are in the public sector then the child and spouse contribution will disappear in the absence of a spouse or child, although I'm sure that could be challenged.

Would you believe this. I once worked in the public sector and had to pay that spouse/child thing/deduction. And I was like but...."What if I never have a child or spouse?".

Anyways, I didnt feel so bad when I was told that even the college chaplin/priest also HAD to pay it

Legs.Eleven

Candie wrote: »

I don't think you could get better advice than Loulou's

Especially the bit about keeping things open. Married friends might have single friends, and don't discount people out of hand if they're divorced or have kids, just stay open to everything.

I have a friend from home who was single for a long time. You couldn't meet a woman with more interests and had a more full social life than her. She also has a good career, great personality (very kind and great craic), fit and good looking. She recently met a man with two young children and has been seeing him a month and seems really happy. It just happened out of the blue as it often does. I think an open mind is essential.

LegacyUser

I am single myself but I started to make changes to my life and I worked on improving my self confidence. I am still making changes to my life but I am in a happier place than I was a few years ago. I have done some traveling and I plan to do some more in the next few years.

Talk to your friends. Perhaps if you told them you that you would like to meet someone they may know someone they could introduce you to.

In regards to that woman you work with saying your not entitled to a pension - what an old bag. I am sure she is glad to have you there to do her job when one of her children are sick. For all you know she is with a husband who drinks, gambles ect and she is unhappy with her life so hence she takes her bad form out on you.

At 35 you are not to old to have children. I would just relax and enjoy your life as it is at the moment. If you come across as a happy person you never know what will happen.

You may think your friends have it all but the reality is that they could be in a lot of debit, have children with problems, have a husband who would bet on two flies on a wall or could be cheating on them with other woman.

I would prefer to be single than in a bad marriage.

An Bhanríon

I feel your pain OP. Been there, done that , bought the t-shirt. And then at the age of 35 and 11 months got talking one evening to a guy I had know a few years. And the rest is history. I had been single for most of my life... (Of course, life is not perfect on the other side remember. A partner can be very difficult to live with sometimes and drive you to total and utter distraction, and then you are wishing you were single again...)

So don't fret. You have not missed any boat and there is nothing wrong with you or anything missing in your make up!

I agree with the people who say you need to feel happy for those who have partners and children. I worked hard on that at the beginning of my thirties because I realised resentment was creeping in. I visited my friends, hung out with their children and partners, and it really made me a happier more contented person. Not easy, but with a bit of effort it paid off.

Another thing I did in my thirties was go on retreat a few times. I don't know if that's your thing but I found it really helpful. It helped me work through a few things in my past and also helped me realise I wasn't single because there was something wrong with me. I was single because that was the way my life had worked out until then.

I hope all the replies you get here make you smile a little more OP. And, remember, there is nothing more attractive than a person with a beautiful genuine contented smile!

Rekop dog

fullofbeans wrote: »

We still meet but all they can talk about it their wonderful men and children, as a result I have started to hate babies and children and don't want to hang out with those friends any more.

This is pretty hateful sentence, you come across consumed with jealously to a point were you want to disown your friends just because they have something you don't. To be honest there's an intrinsically selfish streak running throughout your post.

I'd suggest you try working on that and to value the things/friends you have in life. This pressure you're putting on yourself is bringing out an unattractive side that will only serve as counterproductive in finding what you want in life.

Rekop dog

Rekop dog wrote: »

This is pretty hateful sentence, you come across consumed with jealously to a point were you want to disown your friends just because they have something you don't. To be honest there's an intrinsically selfish streak running throughout your post.

I'd suggest you try working on that and to value the things/friends you have in life. This pressure you're putting on yourself is bringing out an unattractive side that will only serve as counterproductive in finding what you want in life.

Wow. Serious character assassination there considering she's just sick of her friends talking non stop about the partners and kids - which is pretty inconsiderate of the friends. She's only human after all.

I think you sound lovely OP, don't mind comments like this.

Rekop dog

Candie wrote: »

Wow. Serious character assassination there considering she's just sick of her friends talking non stop about the partners and kids - which is pretty inconsiderate of the friends.

No it's not, perfectly normal for people to talk about relevant things in their lives. OP imo has an unhealthy aversion/hyper sensitivity to these things both in her work and personal life due to her own circumstances.

To just give an empty "you sound lovely" for no reason isn't in any way helpful.

knucklehead6

Rekop dog wrote: »

No it's not, perfectly normal for people to talk about relevant things in their lives. OP imo has an unhealthy aversion/hyper sensitivity to these things both in her work and personal life due to her own circumstances.

To just give an empty "you sound lovely" for no reason isn't in any way helpful.

OR the OP could just need a shoulder to lean on. I'm 38, male and single. My younger sister got married a few months ago and the amount of idiotic "So when are you going to give us a day out?" comments i got at that wedding really pissed me off. The next day, my closest friend and i had a right argument, purely cos i was in a 'down' time and i didn't want to listen to him prattle on about his 2 kids (one of whom is my godson!!) It was something minor that started it off, a disagreeement about a football match or something but by jesus did it blow up.

Bear in mind i was best man at this guys wedding, i'm god father to one of his kids, if i ever get married he'll be standing right beside me, but we had a huge argument and didn't speak for about 4 weeks.

The point i'm trying to make is that people have 'down' times and laying it on like you did may not always be helpful. Today fullofbeans might be having a much better day.

Obliq

knucklehead6 wrote: »

i didn't want to listen to him prattle on about his 2 kids (one of whom is my godson!!) ...................


The point i'm trying to make is that people have 'down' times and laying it on like you did may not always be helpful. Today fullofbeans might be having a much better day.

Jaysus, yeah. I can understand how bloody irritating it can be to listen to endless talk about babies/toddlers/children if you're not on the same wavelength. I remember when mine were small that I got sick of listening to myself on the subject and actually said as much to some of my single and child-free friends - "For god's sake, stop me if I mention my children even one time tonight - I feel like I have a permanent case of baby brain, so I need new subjects!"

Completely understandable, how the OP feels as one by one her old friends join a club that consists of nappy conversations but as another poster said, they may be gagging for some different subjects. Don't reject them OP! They NEED you!

beks101

Sometimes it can seem like the world is set up for couples, for the formulaic engaged-married-babies by a certain age, one of which the OP seems to be smack-bang in the middle of. You'll get that onslaught of questions as described above, "when will you be giving us a day out?" "Any men?" "Tick tock tick tock, you're not getting any younger "

I know when I was single it made me feel very inadequate, and it seemed like some people in particular - older relatives, female friends in long-term relationships - were obsessed with my love life. I could not see them for years, bump into them on the street and one of the first topics of conversation would be "what about you? Any men in your life? Are you seeing anyone?" blah blah blah.

I think that, in addition to stupid Daily Mail style media drivel, retarded Hollywood movies where finding a man is the most worthwhile thing a female can do and she'll just stumble unwittingly into some Happy Ever After, means that feeling inadequate and "glass half empty" about being single is all too easy for a woman, particular as she gets older.

And I think that's the biggest obstacle to your happiness really - and in turn, your ability to find a likeminded guy and form a healthy, happy relationship.

It's such a tough one, because on the one hand, having that mentality that you "need" a man to complete you can wreak havoc on your self esteem and cause you to settle for all kinds of ****ty behaviour and flings when you want more etc etc - and at the same time it's just a part of the human condition to long for the love and affection and security and safety of a truly wonderful partnership.

Personally, I kind of reached a stage where I was sick of settling for less than I deserved, and being let down repeatedly etc, and then the addition of the pressure-cooker in my head from all the social stuff going on around me - couples couples couples, questions questions questions - that I sort of pushed the 'reset' button in my head, stopped giving a sh1t about where the next man was going to come from and started giving a sh1t about MY life and MY happiness. As a whole entity in and of myself and not some 'half' of a future 'whole'.

The funny thing you notice when you stop caring about the attention you're getting or which guy might be next in line etc is that the pressure dissipates, you're more at ease with yourself, more in control in your life and that sort of attitude makes more and more people comfortable in your company.

It's not to say that "giving up on the dream of a relationship will suddenly find you one" - but I think my thinking was, if I'm going to be single for the rest of my days, I want to at least be happy within myself and not be a 'victim' of my singledom. Which is what the resentment towards friends and their families or underlying bitterness towards those in happy relationships is - it's letting this thing that you can't control to overtake your personality and reduce you to someone you don't want to be.

Just remember it's not a defect to be single, or a fault in you - I think particularly as women we're prone to thinking that way. "Did I say / do the wrong thing" / "was I too needy / forward / not forward enough / am I pretty enough / am I XYZ / not XYZ enough" etc etc ad nauseum.

It just hasn't happened yet for you, that's all. Just like a successful career hasn't happened for many women. Or the accomplishment of buying their own house and car. Or living abroad. Or establishing a list of wonderful hobbies. Or any number of the awesome things you've done with your life. Being single just attaches a different social weight to it, but realistically it shouldn't - it's just another that may or may not happen to someone in their life for whatever reason.

RevRun

Jesus Christ..Being single is not a disease. You know many people go through their lives being single out of choice.

The way your feeling now it means youre going to settle for the first man that shows interest.

Never, ever settle unless its the right person.

I'm happily single over a year now and have been out with some girls but never really found myself that interested in them.

Make some hobbies, meet new friends, get out, get out , get out!! I can not repeat this enough.

I have no doubt I will meet someone and I have no doubt so will you..just don't rush anything.

And when youre happy in yourself and meet this person you will have a wonderful relationship as you won't be relying on them to make you happy..they will just add to it.

Now enjoy your life..don't crave what you don't have..everyone, yes everyone has been single/dumped at some stage in their life. Get out and enjoy yourself, your only here once, make the most of it

IHeartShoes

Rekop dog wrote: »

This is pretty hateful sentence, you come across consumed with jealously to a point were you want to disown your friends just because they have something you don't. To be honest there's an intrinsically selfish streak running throughout your post.

I'd suggest you try working on that and to value the things/friends you have in life. This pressure you're putting on yourself is bringing out an unattractive side that will only serve as counterproductive in finding what you want in life.

Nope, not getting the jealous or selfish vibe here at all! No unattractive side just a person with feelings entitled to vent them on here at will.

Some great advice on here OP, above notwithstanding. Don't worry, stress kills!

Best of luck. S

fullofbeans

Hi folks,
Thanks so much for all your replies, so much to think about and well, so much to live for.
I honestly say I am not a jealous person, just lonely when close friends no longer want to hang out because they're having family time and can't keep arrangements we've made because the baby is sick etc. I do get fed up of giving money in work for wedding and baby presents when I don't have anything similar, not that I'm begrudging a few euros or even a lot of euros, I have a great job, but it seems unfair.
I remember being at a birthday party a few years ago when the friend who had the birthday was trying to get me to bring a guy and I laughed and said I'd have more fun on my own, but when I got there I realised there were 13 people at the table, I was the only single person and my plate was balanced between the two tables so I had 3 couples each side of me! I realised then I was a bit of an odd one out, or just exceptional as a kind friend told me
Sometimes being single does seem like a disease. Recently I was chatting to my Mum about how I things were looking up for me, I had heard of a friend of a friend with a serious illness and how things could be worse and all my Mum could say was 'Is she married' so I thought well that proves how she feels about life! At dinner a few months ago with my Mum and an old friend and her Mum my friend told how she had a dream about me getting married, while I laughed it off and asked if I looked thin in my dress my mother burst into tears, I apologised to her and well, that ruined that night.
It is refreshing to rant on here and to be honest, there really isn't anyone else I can vent to, I am not jealous or bitter, just out of ideas
Have a nice evening!

RevRun

take a chane on people too..don't rule people out..your happiness is what matters..who cares really what everyone else thinks

Ande1975

Op,

Your posts could be written by me:) I'm nearly 40 and single. A permie single if such a term exists.
You are not selfish, bitter or resentful.
You are like me, someone who wants to share their life with someone who is right for them.
For me it's not high on my list right now because I've other things to deal with but one thing is for sure, There is no time limit.
(Maybe kids wise but have a back up plan there. )
A lady I am friends with got married at 45. Divorced 5 years later. Sad story behind hat but 6 months ago met the love of her life. She is 57. She travels frequently and just pushes herself out there.
She has so much get up and go, she tires me just listening to her
Point I am tryin to make is EVERYTHING is possible. No one has it all despite what they say.
I am convinced I am going meet him and I know you will too xxxx