Abuse even when sober

LegacyUser

Basically, my boyfriend has beaten me up twice while drunk. He gave up drink as a result. This evening he didn't hit me but he was going to. I shielded my head and he didn't hit me. Then he went into the kitchen and jumped on his phone until it was in pieces. I was terrified to move in case he'd hit me. Please can someone tell me that this piece of scum will always be a piece of scum no matter how many months he is nice to me? Why do I as an otherwise intelligent person, fall once again for this crap. What the hell is wrong with me? How do I get the strength to stay away from this person?

Tokyo

OP,

Best advice I can give you is switch off the computer, pack a bag, and leave right now for a friend or family's place. Drunk, sober, it doesn't matter - you are in an abusive relationship with somebody who has extreme anger issues, and it's only a matter of time before he beats on you again, perhaps even worse because of his pent up anger. You're living in fear, that HAS to change.

I can't stress this enough - leave right now.

Tokyo

I'm providing links to the relevant agencies - please give one of them a call. They are sadly all too experienced in dealing with women in your position, and will be able to give you the guidance and advice that you need.

Abuse
http://www.womensaid.ie/
http://www.amen.ie/
http://www.ispcc.ie/
http://www.rcni.ie/hlp_map.htm
(rape crises network)
http://www.oneinfour.org/

ElleEm

Pack a bag, go to someone else's house and tell them what is going on. The abuse will not stop until he gets help. You cannot change him. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed to tell your family or friends. Get support and contact one of the agencies Mike linked.

Stay safe and well x

Gmol

EvenWhen_Sober wrote: »

Basically, my boyfriend has beaten me up twice while drunk. He gave up drink as a result. This evening he didn't hit me but he was going to. I shielded my head and he didn't hit me. Then he went into the kitchen and jumped on his phone until it was in pieces. I was terrified to move in case he'd hit me. Please can someone tell me that this piece of scum will always be a piece of scum no matter how many months he is nice to me? Why do I as an otherwise intelligent person, fall once again for this crap. What the hell is wrong with me? How do I get the strength to stay away from this person?

He will always be a piece of scum, as people have said , leave now, life is too short to be living in fear. Look after yourself

LegacyUser

He is not here. After jumping on the phone he went upstairs to collect his clothes and I called 999. He left the house while I was on the phone to them.
We are in a relationship 4 years.
How do I manage on my own?
I know you can all probably say I'll manage better while not in constant fear. Reality of financial support and physical things required to be done though makes life difficult. Hard to figure out what the lesser of two evils is.

December2012

He's an animal. Leave now.

Tokyo

Complicated_bein_anon wrote: »

He is not here. After jumping on the phone he went upstairs to collect his clothes and I called 999. He left the house while I was on the phone to them.
We are in a relationship 4 years.
How do I manage on my own?
I know you can all probably say I'll manage better while not in constant fear. Reality of financial support and physical things required to be done though makes life difficult. Hard to figure out what the lesser of two evils is.

There is no debating the lesser of two evils here. You have a partner with an established pattern of beating you. A man that can't control his own temper. Somebody who has to pulverise a phone to let out his aggression because he's trying to resist the urge to punch you in the head. That's about as drastic as it gets, and it's not something that is going to change.

Your health and safety comes before any financial issues, any physical needs, and the only priority you have right now is to yourself and being safe. Don't wait for him to get home, there's a very real possibility that he may return even angrier because the police were involved. Phone family or a close friend ASAP, and either get them to pick you up or arrange for a taxi to take you there. Grab just enough to get by - you can worry about your possessions later.

I wouldn't even meet up with him to tell him that it's over - at the moment I would be concerned for your physical safety should you do. What needs to be said can be done over a phone call, and arrangements can be made to pick up all of your belongings later. I know that these are difficult and drastic steps to take OP, but you have already taken the first big step in admitting to yourself that there is a problem and that you need to do something about it. Now for the next step - leave.

Lisha

Please leave as the others have said.

I know that as you are used to living financially as a couple you can't see how you can manage alone.
But believe me, you can and you will.

Please go to a friend or a family member and ask for their help.
They will help and the practicalities of day to day life will sort themselves out.

You will find life a lot easier to cope with when you can sleep without fear and talk without fear of upsetting someone.

Best of luck op.

Oryx

I spoke to a woman once who left a bad long term relationship. She said it took two years to put her life back together and it was very very tough. But it was worth every minute of hardship because now she was free.

This is what you need to remember. It may be tough to leave but you need to be free. Your life depends on it. Remind yourself of that feeling where you were too scared to move. Nothing is worth living through moments like that. Or the torture of not knowing when the next blowup will come. Get out now, and deal with the practical issues as they arise. To stay is not a compromise you want to make. IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

Merkin

Complicated_bein_anon wrote: »

I know you can all probably say I'll manage better while not in constant fear. Reality of financial support and physical things required to be done though makes life difficult. Hard to figure out what the lesser of two evils is.

There's not one single valid reason to stay with him, he's a brute, don't make excuses. Pack your bags and get out now.

Stavro Mueller

Complicated_bein_anon wrote: »

He is not here. After jumping on the phone he went upstairs to collect his clothes and I called 999. He left the house while I was on the phone to them.
We are in a relationship 4 years.
How do I manage on my own?
I know you can all probably say I'll manage better while not in constant fear. Reality of financial support and physical things required to be done though makes life difficult. Hard to figure out what the lesser of two evils is.

You survived before he came along and you'll do just fine when he's gone. Staying with this man just because you fear being alone or not having money in your pocket is NOT a valid reason. One of the features of domestic abuse is that it often escalates. It has clearly happened here. You should be thanking your lucky stars it's your phone that's in pieces, not your face. Next time you might not be so lucky - how do you fancy spitting out some teeth or having to go to A&E with broken bones?

P. Breathnach

Complicated_bein_anon wrote: »

...
How do I manage on my own?
I know you can all probably say I'll manage better while not in constant fear. Reality of financial support and physical things required to be done though makes life difficult. Hard to figure out what the lesser of two evils is.

One thing that happens in an abusive relationship (whether the abuse is physical or psychological) is that the victim feels disempowered, unable to manage on her or his own. So you are asking the question that just about everybody in your situation would ask.

There is no one answer:
- First, you do not have to manage everything on your own: follow the links that mike gave you, and you will find allies.
- Second, enlist the support of family and friends.
- Third, the most important and most difficult thing: learn to take charge of your own life again. You have it in you, but you might need to do a bit of work on yourself to realise your potential.

OP, you are on the brink. You see what is wrong; you know what you need to do; please do it. Ask for, and accept, help wherever you can get it. But get away from this man.

You gave him a chance, and he blew it. <snip> No more chances; no more risk-taking; take your life back.

dark crystal

EvenWhen_Sober wrote: »

Basically, my boyfriend has beaten me up twice while drunk. He gave up drink as a result. This evening he didn't hit me but he was going to. I shielded my head and he didn't hit me. Then he went into the kitchen and jumped on his phone until it was in pieces. I was terrified to move in case he'd hit me. Please can someone tell me that this piece of scum will always be a piece of scum no matter how many months he is nice to me? Why do I as an otherwise intelligent person, fall once again for this crap. What the hell is wrong with me? How do I get the strength to stay away from this person?

Oh sweetheart, there are no easy fixes. If it were easy, every abused spouse would just get up and leave first time.
Of course you feel emotionally attached to him and wary of making it on your own because he's probably made you feel dependent on him. Perhaps your self esteem is now so low, you don't feel you deserve any better. But the good news is you CAN do better and you CAN make it on your own. The relief you feel when you do leave and don't have to live in fear any more will be 1000 times stronger than all the awful emotions you're feeling now. Trust me on this.

Please look after you. Take that first brave step and make a call; know your options; make a plan for yourself. You can do it - you are stronger than you think.

stargazer 68

OP its now 12 hours since you posted and everyone has told you to pack a bag now and leave. However I suspect you are still there. In the cold light of day read through this thread again and pack a bag and go to your parents, friend, sibling before it's too late.

Neyite

I've been through this and exactly where you are now. My life now is immeasurably better and has been since cut contact with my ex. I didnt see it then because I was too busy hurting after the break up, but I was already far better off. You will be too. This is the hardest part, but push through and I guarantee, it will get better very soon.

I never got beaten, but I got pushed, poked, held down, choked, screamed at, anything that could get smashed by him (and usually my stuff, not his prized laptop or playstation strangely enough) got smashed. There was verbal abuse, gaslighting, financial abuse, emotional abuse. And these men dont change. First they blame drink, then they blame work pressures, or family pressures, or that you were flirting, or that you used the last of the milk. An excellent book you should read is "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.

The minute you leave, you begin to experience peace in your head. I cannot tell you how great that felt. I didnt think I'd be ok on my own, but I thrived, and you will too. I spoke to a lovely lovely counsellor in Womens Aid and that helped so much. So, today, pick up the phone and arrange to meet someone in your local WA for a chat. They dont judge, or tell you what to do, they just listen, and help you whatever way YOU feel you can best be helped.

Please call them. It will literally change your life.

LegacyUser

You are all absolutely correct. It's hard to see reality when you're in the thick of something though.
Neyite you have described it very well. The accusations of flirting, the strops, the sulking, the black moods, the never knowing when he's going to explode.
I have been doing some thinking today and I realise that he has managed to get me to the stage where I blame myself for his actions.
If only I behaved how he wants me to behave, then things would be fine.
He has a sense of ownership of me. He doesn't like it when I think for myself if my thoughts are not in line with his.
He is obsessive about me.
He tried to choke me on the second beating. I won't say he completely intended to kill me, as he could easily have done it if he wanted to. I've since heard statistics about the percentage of men who go on to actually murder their partner if they have tried choking them in the past.
I can write this now and see the startling reality before me.

You might wonder why I stayed with him. The apologies and declarations of love are intense. Followed by attempts to rectify his behaviour and address it. There is also the fact that the actual physical violence or threats account for a tiny percentage of our time spent together. I realise now though that the more sinister fear in me and his controlling of me has been consistently there.

Just to reassure anyone worried, he is not in my house. He left yesterday evening. The biggest danger to me is myself - if I allow him back. I realise how pathetic that sounds. Everyone wants a nice happy ending where the low-life is eliminated from my life and I live happily ever after. Life unfortunately is not so sweet.

For now, I am resolute in my decision to never allow him to darken my door again. That said, I have been here before.

Thanks for your support and messages.

Tokyo

EvenWhen_Sober wrote: »

Just to reassure anyone worried, he is not in my house. He left yesterday evening. The biggest danger to me is myself - if I allow him back. I realise how pathetic that sounds. Everyone wants a nice happy ending where the low-life is eliminated from my life and I live happily ever after. Life unfortunately is not so sweet.

Congratulations on your decision OP, I can't imagine that it has been an easy one, nor will the next days be easy either. Just a couple of things though. Is it possible for you to get a friend or family member to stay with you for a few days? I'm thinking in terms of providing you emotional support through all of this, but also from the point of view of your personal safety - I'm still concerned that your partner may return in a drunken rage. Does he still have keys to the house? It may even be worth your while staying somewhere else for a few days even though he's out of the house, while he has a chance to absorb the reality of his situation.

Also, considering the nature of his attacks so far, and the fact that the gardai have also been involved, have you thought about taking out a restraining order against him? I appreciate that a lot of time they are often no good until after the fact, but if he does decide to swing by and hurl abuse at you from outside the door, or chuck a brick through your window, you will have something to follow up on.

LegacyUser

mike_ie wrote: »

Congratulations on your decision OP, I can't imagine that it has been an easy one, nor will the next days be easy either. Just a couple of things though. Is it possible for you to get a friend or family member to stay with you for a few days? I'm thinking in terms of providing you emotional support through all of this, but also from the point of view of your personal safety - I'm still concerned that your partner may return in a drunken rage. Does he still have keys to the house? It may even be worth your while staying somewhere else for a few days even though he's out of the house, while he has a chance to absorb the reality of his situation.

Also, considering the nature of his attacks so far, and the fact that the gardai have also been involved, have you thought about taking out a restraining order against him? I appreciate that a lot of time they are often no good until after the fact, but if he does decide to swing by and hurl abuse at you from outside the door, or chuck a brick through your window, you will have something to follow up on.

My family are not too close. My family however are aware of the previous beatings. The old battered face can't lie really. It would not be feasible for them to stay here. I have no friends here.
Yes, he has a key, but there are physical locks on the door, separate to the key lock, which I have locked.
I have a rather strained relationship with the local gardai. They basically accused me after the last incident of bringing it on myself, by letting him back after the first beating. I reported this to GSOC, it was investigated and found that the garda in question did not breach any disciplinary code.
Yes, they advised me that I should seek a barring order. Women's Aid advised me at that time that it was not 100% guaranteed that I would achieve it. The gardai advised me that the evidence (photographs taken at garda station) from the first beating was more than a year old (hence non admissable) and photographs taken by myself of my face after the second beating were inadmissable. The thoughts of court was not something I was willing to engage in. I then allowed him back again.

Perhaps I have been asking for it.

Tokyo

No, you have not been asking for it, and sadly it's thinking like that which has prolonged this situation so far. Nobody deserves to live in fear the way you have, and you have done absolutely the right thing by getting him to leave. Think of the alternative for a second... you stay with him, he beats you some more, assuming that he doesn't do permanent damage to you, you have kids together, they get old enough that he starts beating on them too... it doesn't even bear thinking about.

There is no scenario in this world where a person asks for, or deserves, going through what you have been through, but abusers like your partner depend on people believing that in order to maintain their grip on you. Remind yourself of this every single day.

Regarding the locks on the door - that only works when you are in the house to lock them from inside. If you have to leave the house I assume that you can only use the key locks, which he has keys to. Have the locks to the front and back door changed immediately. I would also arrange to have his belongings boxed and sent to wherever he is staying, so that he has no excuse to try and get into the house later on.

I'm appalled at the way you have been treated by the police over this matter, and I would suggest going to another station and asking to speak to a female officer and getting all of this down on paper. I'm surprised that you were told that photos more than a year old are not admissible (I don't know enough about this to comment), but either way, you have it on record that this man has a history of beating you, which should go a long way towards getting a restraining order as soon as possible.

Have you spoken to Womans Aid since last night's incident? If you haven't, I strongly suggest giving them a call.

Emme

EvenWhen_Sober wrote: »

The gardai advised me that the evidence (photographs taken at garda station) from the first beating was more than a year old (hence non admissable) and photographs taken by myself of my face after the second beating were inadmissable. The thoughts of court was not something I was willing to engage in. I then allowed him back again.

Perhaps I have been asking for it.

You haven't been asking for it.

Some Gardai can be dismissive of domestic abuse issues. An old woman told me about one case where the wife, after complaining about her husband beating her (yet again) was told to "go home and make love to your husband". That would have been in the 1960s but I heard of a case in the 1990s where a man was rumoured to be beating his pregnant wife. The husband had connections in the Gardai and lived in a rural village. The gardai went around door to door in their neighborhood and asked anyone had they heard that X was beating his pregnant wife. The rule of omertà still applies in rural Ireland so everyone said "no, we heard nothing". The Gardai said "that's fine then, because nothing ever happened." If nothing happened why were they going around door to door in the first place!

My point is that the Gardai may not be of much use on their own. Maybe you should have left at the time your boyfriend beat you and left you bruised. You can't do anything about that as it is in the past but you CAN leave him NOW.

Get a barring order or a safety order. Women's Aid are the best people to advise you. Good luck.

Neyite

Nobody ever deserves it. Never ever. Who would deserve to be strangled?? You were about 20 seconds away from losing conciousness and about 90 seconds away from death. Does that help you realise that you DONT deserve it?

I would suggest you go to the gardai but this time with someone from Womens Aid with you. They would not DARE treat you unprofessionally knowing you have support.

Alternatively, why not give these guys a call? Given your previous experiences when reporting you may find this unit will take you seriously and put you in touch with a local Garda who may be specialised in this crime.

Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Investigation Unit
National Bureau of Criminal Investigation
Garda Headquarters
Harcourt Square
Dublin 2
Telephone (01) 6663430
Email: dvsaiu@garda.ie.

P. Breathnach

EvenWhen_Sober wrote: »

...
Perhaps I have been asking for it.

No, a thousand times no.

Can I remind you of what I said earlier: abusive behaviour, physical or psychological, can result in the victim losing her or his personal power. By beating you, he made it more difficult for you to walk away from him. The guard who suggested that you brought it on yourself was very wrong, probably because he or she lacks a basic understanding of the nature of domestic abuse, and how very difficult it can be for the victim to win back control of her or his life.

It's not obvious in the current situation if you are an physical danger. Yes, it is possible. But last night he did deflect his rage away from you and destroyed his phone. And then he left. That does not mean that he behaviour is defensible: he lost control, he terrified you, and he did pointless damage. These are major red flags. In the light of his past behaviour, it looks to me as if the only good outcome is that you finish with him.

I note you use the words "my house", and write of "letting him back in". If that means that you actually own the place, good. Change the locks. If you rent the place, ask the landlord's permission to change the locks.

You might be able to deal with this without the trouble and expense of legal proceedings. Tell him (if he gets in touch) that you and he are finished, and that he is not allowed into your home and you want no other contact with him. If there is any of his stuff still there, pack it up. Make an arrangement to return it to him without your having to meet him.

LegacyUser

You are correct that I am probably not in danger when he is sober as he can deflect his anger to items other than my face. I suppose the problem is, that he only gave up alcohol on my request, and he will undoubtedly be drinking like a lunatic now. In that respect, I am no more protected by having a barring order than I am by not having one. I will absolutely not engage with the gardai on this matter. It took over 6 months to conclude the investigation (carried out by a Superintendent and overseen by GSOC). I am not going to ring those people again to be told that she 'deals with hundreds of calls the same as yours and you're doing yourself no favours'. While I understand that most logical people assume this is the correct route to take, reality is slightly different.

He (the ex, the partner, whatever I call him) has been diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm not sure what that means clinically, but from living with him, it means he is very intense. Intense in how he feels about me, and intense in how he reacts if he feels I'm betraying him or likely to leave him. He is incredibly possessive. He follows me around like an adoring lap-dog. Which is fine once I'm loyal to him. When I engage with someone else however, the lap-dog suddenly becomes a Rottweiler.

Jenneke87

What you describe are indeed traits of Borderline. I'm not trying to give a medical diagnosis here(just to be clear) People with Borderline see things very black and white, there is no middle ground with them. Either you are fantastic, or the worst thing on this planet. Their feelings are very profound and they fluctuate between those two extremes, because people with Borderline have difficulty regulating their emotions, and drinking sure doesn't help that, only treatment and medication if necessary. Everything you wrote in the last part of your post sounds exactly like a Borderliner and if they cannot manage their condition properly, it's like being on a rollercoaster ride with them. I'm not saying this to bash people with Borderline in any way, should there be people reading this who have it, just to give the OP some insight. There are plenty of websites that can give you additional information. And please keep that door closed permanently.

LegacyUser

I appreciate your post Jenneke. He already has the diagnosis from a psychiatrist, so don't worry.
I suppose the worrying thing for me now is that it can't be put down to drink anymore, since he's off it! So the aggression and violence is there and is going to be there, drunk, sober or otherwise.
I had genuinely brushed off the diagnosis as being 'nothing'. I blamed it all on drink. I can't anymore and that is a massive wake-up-call for me. There is absolutely nothing I could do to de-escalate a situation developing bar complete and utter subservience and compliance. That is not something I will ever do.
I am sad.
I am sad to lose a guy I loved. Lately though, I didn't love him.
That's life.
I hope some day I can return to being the defiant bold character I always was.

Lisha

Best of luck evenwhensober

You have done yourself a huge favor.
I know things might not be easy for a while but I'm sure better things lie ahead for you.

Drumpot

Complicated_bein_anon wrote: »

He is not here. After jumping on the phone he went upstairs to collect his clothes and I called 999. He left the house while I was on the phone to them.
We are in a relationship 4 years.
How do I manage on my own?
I know you can all probably say I'll manage better while not in constant fear. Reality of financial support and physical things required to be done though makes life difficult. Hard to figure out what the lesser of two evils is.

There is a great phrase I heard before - "normalising the abnormal". A women getting hit or beaten by her partner is not normal or justified.

People mean well when they suggest something that your probobley know, that you should leave him, but it can be hard to see the Forrest from the trees when you are kneck deep in sh:t.

There are two paths you can take, they aren't both evil.

You can stay with this person, fearing his anger and when the next time he will blow up. This leaves your life in his hands. Google dry drunk and see if it matches anything your partner does.

Or you can look for some support to get you out of this abusive relationship. You can take control of your life and be in charge of your future. You may even find it liberating and empowering. It may sound like a horrible option but this relationship could be a life sentance or a distant memory... You have the power to decide where to go from here.... Good luck....

Flippyfloppy

EvenWhen_Sober wrote: »

I hope some day I can return to being the defiant bold character I always was.

How would that feel for you? Getting yourself back? The person you were before him ...

Toots

OP I can't give you better advice than what's already been given on the thread. The one thing I will say though, you mention that he's got a key to the house. I know you have the inner locks closed at the minute, but I'd strongly recommend you get a locksmith out ASAP and change the locks. If you go out, the likes of the chain etc will not be on the door. The last thing you'd want is to come home and find that he's let himself back in.

I don't mean to try and scare you, but for your own safety and peace of mind it's worth it. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you and you find the happiness you deserve.

edit: re the borderline personality disorder, I'm currently being assessed for that by my psychiatrist. From what he's told me, people with BPD will pretty much have to regularly attend a counsellor for the rest of their lives. Also any 'mood altering substances' are a no-go altogether. If he's got a drinking problem on top of the BPD he's pretty much a powder keg that could go off at any time.

irishgirl19

This happened to me.
He started when he was drunk. Then eventually he done it when he was sober.

He used to hit me where no one could see. Then he started eventually hitting my face.

He used to hit me behind closed doors and then he eventually stopped caring who knew.

Domestic violence ends where it begins.

Get away as soon as you can. It took me 4 years before I left but I honestly couldn't be happier.

Good luck x