Am I being unreasonable?

sopretty

Hi
Situation is this:
Partner does not like me chatting online on this website as he perceives the site to be male dominated.
I am engaged in largely boring discussions, but occasionally light-hearted or jokey topics.
He seems to view this as me somehow cheating on him almost.

Am I being unreasonable or is he being unreasonable?

RossFixxxed

sopretty wrote: »

Hi
Situation is this:
Partner does not like me chatting online on this website as he perceives the site to be male dominated.
I am engaged in largely boring discussions, but occasionally light-hearted or jokey topics.
He seems to view this as me somehow cheating on him almost.

Am I being unreasonable or is he being unreasonable?

Without knowing the site it's hard to judge. But assuming it isn't dating, or hook up or such related then he is being ridiculous. Talking to men doesn't suddnely stop because you are in a relationship.

Why is he so insecure?

sopretty

RossFixxxed wrote: »

Without knowing the site it's hard to judge. But assuming it isn't dating, or hook up or such related then he is being ridiculous. Talking to men doesn't suddnely stop because you are in a relationship.

Why is he so insecure?

It's this site! Boards.ie

Penny Tration

There are tonnes of women on this site, myself included.

Why does he feel the need to control who you speak to, especially on an anonymous site?

If you were flirting with people, I could understand him being annoyed, but it's not actually up to him to dictate who you speak to.

strobe

'this website' as in boards.ie?

Depends I guess, if its a case of you having your nose stuck in the phone or laptop when you're spending time with him, I'd consider that very rude and irrirating, could that be the issue?

If it's him having a problem with you simply using the website in your own time, then I'd say he's being unreasonable, unless you're being overly flirtatious or something in your posts, which I guess I is something I could see a good few people having an issue with.

Meauldsegosha

Have you shown him the threads and forums you are reading and contributing to? Have you explained to him what boards.ie is about? Has he always been this insecure. Does he mind you talking to other men in general?

A lot of question I know On the face of it he is being completely unreasonable.

sopretty

green_screen wrote: »

There are tonnes of women on this site, myself included.

Why does he feel the need to control who you speak to, especially on an anonymous site?

If you were flirting with people, I could understand him being annoyed, but it's not actually up to him to dictate who you speak to.

I have no idea why he feels the need to control who I speak to. Discussing what might have happened to a plane that went missing is hardly in the realms of cheating. I don't know. He's quite possessive and is smothering me at this stage. I found myself having to explain that I don't know whether it is an Adam or an Eve I'm discussing anything with (nor does it make any difference to ME), but, he doesn't think it is right that I'm on here potentially chatting and maybe occasionally having a laugh with other posters - in case they are male!

My head is done in.

sopretty

strobe wrote: »

'this website' as in boards.ie?

Depends I guess, if its a case of you having your nose stuck in the phone or laptop when you're spending time with him, I'd consider that very rude and irrirating, could that be the issue?

If it's him having a problem with you simply using the website in your own time, then I'd say he's being unreasonable, unless you're being overly flirtatious or something in your posts, which I guess I is something I could see a good few people having an issue with.

Yes, there is a bit of an issue with me having my nose constantly stuck in the laptop. It never posed an issue for him before though, until I started posting on boards.

Sleepless and Manic

Well... first of all it can seem very intimidating to someone who isnt really into it and doesn't really want to be. In addition to where you are posting he probably looked around a bit in forums that interested him and that just by its nature would be very male dominated. The "After Hours" section can also seem like a room full of drunken teenage boys screaming at each other.

So I think a little insecurity is understandable but you can reassure him. Give him your password. let him post as you a few times.

sopretty

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Have you shown him the threads and forums you are reading and contributing to? Have you explained to him what boards.ie is about? Has he always been this insecure. Does he mind you talking to other men in general?

A lot of question I know On the face of it he is being completely unreasonable.

I tell him and would discuss things with him which are being discussed on here. However, he'll misconstrue some jokey comments on my behalf as flirtatious. Yes, he would be possessive about me talking to other men in general, though I never really would, so it hasn't really come up that often.

Penny Tration

sopretty wrote: »

I have no idea why he feels the need to control who I speak to. Discussing what might have happened to a plane that went missing is hardly in the realms of cheating. I don't know. He's quite possessive and is smothering me at this stage. I found myself having to explain that I don't know whether it is an Adam or an Eve I'm discussing anything with (nor does it make any difference to ME), but, he doesn't think it is right that I'm on here potentially chatting and maybe occasionally having a laugh with other posters - in case they are male!

My head is done in.

You say he is possessive and is smothering you. That sounds to me like it has more to do with your relationship in general, rather than just this issue with boards.

If I'm correct, then you need to discuss this issue with him. Feeling smothered isn't healthy and possessiveness has no place in a loving relationship.

I'd suggest you speak to him and ask if he trusts you, and make it clear that you will not accept him being possessive.

Penny Tration

Sleepless and Manic wrote: »

Well... first of all it can seem very intimidating to someone who isnt really into it and doesn't really want to be. In addition to where you are posting he probably looked around a bit in forums that interested him and that just by its nature would be very male dominated. The "After Hours" section can also seem like a room full of drunken teenage boys screaming at each other.

So I think a little insecurity is understandable but you can reassure him. Give him your password. let him post as you a few times.

I have to disagree with giving him your password.

Either he trusts you or he doesn't. I absolutely would not pander to his insecurities.

sopretty

Sleepless and Manic wrote: »

Give him your password. let him post as you a few times.

Lol, he'd have me banned within an hour!

sopretty

green_screen wrote: »

I have to disagree with giving him your password.

Either he trusts you or he doesn't. I absolutely would not pander to his insecurities.

That's sort of where I'm at. I have given him no reason to distrust me. So, he can either trust me or not trust me, but I'm not going to become some sort of meek lamb who obeys orders. It is his issue, not mine.

strobe

sopretty wrote: »

Yes, there is a bit of an issue with me having my nose constantly stuck in the laptop. It never posed an issue for him before though, until I started posting on boards.

Hmm, it's boards specific so? Is he aware of what boards is? Some people that aren't big internet users could hear 'a website where you chat to a bunch if strangers' and not be able to on the surface see a difference between this site and hookup style sites. So that coupled with the fact you chose the username you did (if he knows it?) and choose to spend time on here rather than with him, when he's sitting there beside you, could be making him feel a little uncomfortable and hurt.

Tokyo

Unless something else has happened in your relationship to trigger his insecurities, then yes, I think he is being unreasonable. Have you actually sat down and tried to have a calm conversation about this, as to what exactly he has an issue with? "You could end up chatting to guys online" seems a bit too vague for me.

Ultimately a relationship is built on trust. If your boyfriend is acting jealous without a good reason, and is unwilling to try and change that then maybe you need to consider being in that relationship. If he takes so much issue with a discussion forum, imagine what he would be like if you are working alongside guys, or take up a sport or hobby that involves other men, decide to exercise in a gym in front of other men, etc.

Big Bag of Chips

Sleepless and Manic wrote: »

Give him your password. let him post as you a few times.

Don't do this. For 1, you shouldn't have to, and for another, if you allow someone else to use your account, and are found out, you will be site banned.

sopretty

strobe wrote: »

Hmm, it's boards specific so? Is he aware of what boards is? Some people that aren't big internet users could hear 'a website where you chat to a bunch if strangers' and not be able to on the surface see a difference between this site and hookup style sites. So that coupled with the fact you chose the username you did (if he knows it?) and choose to spend time on here rather than with him, when he's sitting there beside you, could be making him feel a little uncomfortable and hurt.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. I think he sees it as a hook-up website.
My username is a throwback to my early twenties when myself and my best friend (female) at the time used to tell each other that we were 'so pretty' whenever we'd be launched into a rant about work or something, to lighten the air (nothing to do with aesthetics I can assure you - more of a piss take!). Neither of us were oil paintings lol.
The thing is, he sort of sulks a lot, so I naturally get drawn into a riveting discussion or something on here, in the absence of having anything better to do.

Ach, I don't know, it's a bit of a disaster really and a vicious cycle at this stage!

kiffer

green_screen wrote: »

I have to disagree with giving him your password.

Either he trusts you or he doesn't. I absolutely would not pander to his insecurities.

Yeah, giving a controlling person more control isn't going to help.
Assuage his insecurity by chatting to him about what you are posting, engage him in the conversation.
If he doesn't lighten up it will just get more annoying.

sopretty

kiffer wrote: »

Yeah, giving a controlling person more control isn't going to help.
Assuage his insecurity by chatting to him about what you are posting, engage him in the conversation.
If he doesn't lighten up it will just get more annoying.

We had a chat. Last weekend. I agreed to limit my laptop use when he's at home. It all kicked off again last night as he somehow snooped and found that I had joined a dating website (never revisited) when we were split up for a while. I had joined the website to chat I suppose, rather than with the intention of dating. Obviously, we were split up, I was lonely, and I hadn't really gotten into boards! I feel like I'm being stalked. I feel anxious everytime he comes in, as I won't know what posts or something he'll have trawled through and have taken umbrage to or seen as flirtatious or something.
I don't want to fall into a trap of being controlled.

Penny Tration

Oh dear. You're already in that trap, I'm afraid.

You're afraid of his reactions, he's snooped through your laptop, you feel the need to justify your actions to him, you had a chat which ended with YOU agreeing to change yoyr behaviour to placate him... That's all controlling tactics.

What do you get out of the relationship? He controls you, is jealous, insecure and he completely invades your privacy.

That's not love. If he loved you, he wouldn't do that.

He obviously doesn't trust you. What kind of relationship can you possibly have without trust? Surely you deserve more?

sopretty

green_screen wrote: »

Oh dear. You're already in that trap, I'm afraid.

You're afraid of his reactions, he's snooped through your laptop, you feel the need to justify your actions to him, you had a chat which ended with YOU agreeing to change yoyr behaviour to placate him... That's all controlling tactics.

What do you get out of the relationship? He controls you, is jealous, insecure and he completely invades your privacy.

That's not love. If he loved you, he wouldn't do that.

He obviously doesn't trust you. What kind of relationship can you possibly have without trust? Surely you deserve more?

I suppose he's good to me in other ways and looks after me so to speak. I'm beginning to realise I'm compromising my independence for a bit of support. I love him, but I am going to make a stand on this one. I'm sick of pandering to his various moods and blaming myself for them.

December2012

As a matter of interest, if there was a women only chat room website would he have a problem with you being on it?

So the crux is - is it a "stop being on chat forums" or "stop chatting to men" issue?

Your language gives me the impression that he dominates you in other ways. Is this how you feel?

sopretty

December2012 wrote: »

As a matter of interest, if there was a women only chat room website would he have a problem with you being on it?

So the crux is - is it a "stop being on chat forums" or "stop chatting to men" issue?

Your language gives me the impression that he dominates you in other ways. Is this how you feel?

I used to be on women only type chat forums until the past few weeks or months. That never bothered him.
For him, he can't understand how I would want to have a conversation with a man, and not with him.
He does dominate me, but I've always felt like I've kept on top of it. Think I may have been deluding myself.

sopretty

It's basically a 'stop chatting to men or even people who might be men - why would you prefer to chat to men when I'm here' attitude. I have had it out with him and we've decided to split up.

I'm sticking to my guns on this though. It's unreasonable.

December2012

Then this is a warning sign of a bad relationship.

Look up this http://www.2in2u.ie

If I were you I would seriously consider getting out now.

Paddy Cow

Is there any chance that he would set up his own boards profile and start posting himself? If he started using boards, he would see that it is not a hook up place and he has nothing to feel threatened by. He might even enjoy it as there is basically a forum for everything here. I've been here nearly four years and am still discovering new places!

I would be worried about the lack of trust. He doesn't seem to have done any research into what boards actually is but is making you feel uncomfortable for using it. He must have deep seated insecurities that he is taking out on you and that's not fair. If he is this paranoid about who you may be talking to online, how does he react when you talk to men in real life? 50% of the people you are going to interact with in life are going to be male. You cannot restrict yourself to female only interaction. Not only is that really controlling but it is not healthy for you.

Ask your partner why he is so against you talking with other men. Did someone cheat on him in the past? Whatever the reason, it's not reasonable to expect you to give up boards because of his insecurities.

Penny Tration

sopretty wrote: »

It's basically a 'stop chatting to men or even people who might be men - why would you prefer to chat to men when I'm here' attitude. I have had it out with him and we've decided to split up.

I'm sticking to my guns on this though. It's unreasonable.

I'm sorry you've broken up but honestly, it's for the best. You deserve someone who loves and trusts you. You should have both, not one or the other.

Paddy Cow

sopretty wrote: »

It's basically a 'stop chatting to men or even people who might be men - why would you prefer to chat to men when I'm here' attitude. I have had it out with him and we've decided to split up.

I'm sticking to my guns on this though. It's unreasonable.

I only saw this after I made my post and good for you. He is being totally unreasonable and you deserve to be with someone who isn't going to try and keep you all for themselves. He is obviously very insecure and controlling. It's not healthy or normal for partners to only socialise with themselves. Please do stick to your guns.

sopretty

Paddy Cow wrote: »

Is there any chance that he would set up his own boards profile and start posting himself? If he started using boards, he would see that it is not a hook up place and he has nothing to feel threatened by. He might even enjoy it as there is basically a forum for everything here. I've been here nearly four years and am still discovering new places!

I would be worried about the lack of trust. He doesn't seem to have done any research into what boards actually is but is making you feel uncomfortable for using it. He must have deep seated insecurities that he is taking out on you and that's not fair. If he is this paranoid about who you may be talking to online, how does he react when you talk to men in real life? 50% of the people you are going to interact with in life are going to be male. You cannot restrict yourself to female only interaction. Not only is that really controlling but it is not healthy for you.

Ask your partner why he is so against you talking with other men. Did someone cheat on him in the past? Whatever the reason, it's not reasonable to expect you to give up boards because of his insecurities.

I suggested he sign up and even encouraged him to! He has a huge interest in GAA, history, rugby, horse racing for e.g. I was pointing out all these forums to him and trying to encourage him to sign up. I don't know whether he has joined or not. I have never hidden any behaviour online from him. The laptop and iphone is free for all and never hidden. I have now had to change my password on here, to prevent him having full access to what I say online. I asked him why it bothers him about me talking to someone who may be a man, and his only explanation seems to be that I shouldn't need to be talking to a man, when I have a man at home! :eek: Why would I want to be talking to another man?
Tried to explain that I don't know who I do be talking to. It's like talking to a wall. :mad:

Stavro Mueller

I wouldn't even bother trying to explain to him. If he's that bothered about you chatting to people on here, how can you be sure he'll not start trying to isolate you from people you know in real life?