Social stigma on age in relationships.

Lolonamous

I am currently seeing someone who is 4 years younger than me. I am 21 and they are 17. I have been racking my brains about the situation as even though the age difference is evident I would still say I have strong feelings for this person but yet to tell my mates about it? Am I wrong altogether or is it all in my head? Should I care what people think? Advice would be appreciated boys and girls xoxo

Pawwed Rig

Mod note - moved to RI

Addle

Is your girlfriend still in secondary school?
Are you in college/working?

It's relative really.
If you're both in college than I wouldn't think it such a big deal.
But if she is still a school child, no matter how mature, then I think that's different.

It obviously doesn't sit well with you OP.
If you're not comfortable with your own relationship, then I don't know how you expect anyone else to be.

I think the four years between 17 and 21 usually herald a lot of changes and personal growth in a person, so the maturity gap is much more pronounced at those ages than a couple of say 24/28. If you're in college or working and your bf/gf is still in school, there may be power inbalance skewed in your favour. This is what can make people uncomfortable with an adult and school age young adult relationship.

It is legal, but only you know the circumstances and whether or not it's appropriate because there's too many variables from individual to individual for anyone else to make the call.

Holsten

At 21 you could be finished a 4 year degree and working on the beginnings of your career while the 17 year old will most likely still be in school sitting their leaving cert.

Huge gap.

17 year olds these days seem to be even more immature than years gone by.

I wouldn't put any stigma on it but how long could it realistically last? I mean, they couldn't even go to the pub for a quiet drink!

Shivers26

While I wouldn't normally make a big issue out of age gaps those ages are where a lot of growing up and changing gets done. Just be careful.

I had a 21 year old boyfriend when I was 15, I was doing my Junior Cert and he had a full time job. Current boyfriend is 6 years older than me which is no big deal because we are both in our 30's but when he talks about his first year in college and I say I was in 6th class that year it seems like a massive age difference

Lolonamous

Addle wrote: »

Is your girlfriend still in secondary school?
Are you in college/working?

It's relative really.
If you're both in college than I wouldn't think it such a big deal.
But if she is still a school child, no matter how mature, then I think that's different.

It obviously doesn't sit well with you OP.
If you're not comfortable with your own relationship, then I don't know how you expect anyone else to be.

It doesn't really bother me as such just I know people would look at us funny but I'm of the opinion that 18-22 sounds a lot better than 17-21. She is currently in school 5th year but works aswell (I know it sounds bad but you can't help who you like). There are strong feelings from both of us towards each other and I know it sounds a cliche but she is so intelligent and mature it amazes me. Compared to what I was like when I was 17 there is no comparison. I'm really falling for this person and maybe I shouldn't but I am. As the saying goes "love is blind"

Lolonamous

Shivers26 wrote: »

While I wouldn't normally make a big issue out of age gaps those ages are where a lot of growing up and changing gets done. Just be careful.

I had a 21 year old boyfriend when I was 15, I was doing my Junior Cert and he had a full time job. Current boyfriend is 6 years older than me which is no big deal because we are both in our 30's but when he talks about his first year in college and I say I was in 6th class that year it seems like a massive age difference

Okay but that's slightly younger then my predicament but honestly would you say there were real feelings towards one another or what it just a mutual attraction? Because I feel in my situation yes were attracted to each other but there is so much more than that we talk about serious/silly things and there's nobody else id rather do it with.

Addle

Where did you meet her?
Do you usually socialize with school kids?

Penny Tration

Despite it being legal, i have to say I think there'sssomething very weird about an adult going out with somebody in fifth year.

Lolonamous

Addle wrote: »

Where did you meet her?
Do you usually socialize with school kids?

No not at all was at a work night out and I ended up meeting her there didn't find out her age until she added me on Facebook a few days later. As I said I didn't set out for this to happen it just did and please try to refrain from insulting me please and thank you.

Lolonamous

green_screen wrote: »

Despite it being legal, i have to say I think there'sssomething very weird about an adult going out with somebody in fifth year.

You see that's the annoying part of she was in college it would be okay and trust me from the outside I'd say and have said the same thing but now I'm just confused on the situation.

Penny Tration

Lolonamous wrote: »

You see that's the annoying part of she was in college it would be okay and trust me from the outside I'd say and have said the same thing but now I'm just confused on the situation.

Yeah, if she were in college, it'd be better.

It's not her age that has me concerned. It's more a case of 'what the heck can a school girl and a college sstudent have in common?'

Tokyo

Addle - you have been around the PI/RI forums long enough by now to know that in-thread digs like that are not acceptable in these forums, and that if you can't post constructively, to not post at all. Considering that you have received warnings in the past about posts like this, next time it's an infraction.

Regards,
Mike

Lolonamous

green_screen wrote: »

Yeah, if she were in college, it'd be better.

It's not her age that has me concerned. It's more a case of 'what the heck can a school girl and a college sstudent have in common?'

I'm not in college I work but I'm planning on going back to education next year and redoing one or two subjects on the L.C. Look I know it's strange but we have plenty in common we seem to be on the same wavelength and as I said she really is well tuned in and had a good head on her shoulders and more importantly she makes me happy and I think I make her happy too.

Holsten

Lolonamous wrote: »

I'm not in college I work but I'm planning on going back to education next year and redoing one or two subjects on the L.C. Look I know it's strange but we have plenty in common we seem to be on the same wavelength and as I said she really is well tuned in and had a good head on her shoulders and more importantly she makes me happy and I think I make her happy too.

So give it a shot then but I could near guarantee it won't last very long.

Penny Tration

Lolonamous wrote: »

I'm not in college I work but I'm planning on going back to education next year and redoing one or two subjects on the L.C. Look I know it's strange but we have plenty in common we seem to be on the same wavelength and as I said she really is well tuned in and had a good head on her shoulders and more importantly she makes me happy and I think I make her happy too.

Ok so you're a working adult, she's a schoolgirl. I'd personally consider that quite strange (and I went out with a 23 year old when I was 16, so I'm saying it from experience, it's hard to have a relationship when you're at such different stages in life).

You don't need to defend yourself to me. If you like her, you like her.

However, despite you defending your relationship, you came here for opinions/advice, so obviously you're worried about the age difference on some level.

There's a six year age gap between myself and my boyfriend (he's 30, I'm 24). Thing is though, we're both finished college, both been working for years, both on similar paths in life.

The difference in ages becomes less important as you get older, but while she's still in school, many will find it odd.

Legs.Eleven

Lolonamous wrote: »

I'm not in college I work but I'm planning on going back to education next year and redoing one or two subjects on the L.C. Look I know it's strange but we have plenty in common we seem to be on the same wavelength and as I said she really is well tuned in and had a good head on her shoulders and more importantly she makes me happy and I think I make her happy too.

If you feel you're both equals in the relationship, then go for it. I went out with a 23/24 year old when I'd just turned 18 (we might've even started going out when I was 17) and I didn't feel his equal and although I do remember fancying him and he was a nice fella, we'd fook all to talk about sober and I was nervous around him because of his age (I didn't want to seem childish). I also didn't tell him I was a virgin when we slept together so I wouldn't seem so young. I look back now and wonder what the hell he was doing with someone so immature who he couldn't have a decent conversation with. I was also in 5th year and he was working.

If you feel you get along and she seems comfortable around you and you're on an equal footing, I'd say go for it.

IrishEyes19

If you are ok with it fair enough, but the life experiences gap is in my opinion huge. I wouldn't be ok with my daughter if I had children going out with someone that much older, not because of any prudish beliefs, but because she has a leaving cert coming up, she's at a very influential period in her life and lastly because I would be wondering what a 21 year old man wants with a 17 year old school girl.

Lolonamous

green_screen wrote: »

Ok so you're a working adult, she's a schoolgirl. I'd personally consider that quite strange (and I went out with a 23 year old when I was 16, so I'm saying it from experience, it's hard to have a relationship when you're at such different stages in life).

You don't need to defend yourself to me. If you like her, you like her.

However, despite you defending your relationship, you came here for opinions/advice, so obviously you're worried about the age difference on some level.

There's a six year age gap between myself and my boyfriend (he's 30, I'm 24). Thing is though, we're both finished college, both been working for years, both on similar paths in life.

The difference in ages becomes less important as you get older, but while she's still in school, many will find it odd.

Yes I am to an extent like this is the 1st time I've been in a situation like this and it's scary. I know it might look like I'm making excuses but despite her age she is more mature than most of my mates and nearly all the girls I work with and has real ambition in life and is really career focused and yours and everyone else's advice is very helpful. This question is the reason I set up this account in the 1st place.

Pawwed Rig

It really depends on your personalities. She is at a different stage in her life than you are. A person's outlook changes hugely when they leave school and hugely again when the leave college. Are you happy to essentially wait for her to do her leaving and go through college.

I wouldn't be as negative as others here as I was in the same boat as you are many years ago and dated a girl for 4 years who was just 18 and still in school whereas I was working. I have no regrets about getting involved in it but you need to go in with your eyes open. She has important years ahead of her that often needs focus away from a relationship.

I guess my advice is to go with it if you are enjoying each others company but not to get serious serious for another few years (if that makes sense).

Lolonamous

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

If you are ok with it fair enough, but the life experiences gap is in my opinion huge. I wouldn't be ok with my daughter if I had children going out with someone that much older, not because of any prudish beliefs, but because she has a leaving cert coming up, she's at a very influential period in her life and lastly because I would be wondering what a 21 year old man wants with a 17 year old school girl.[/quote

Surely they'd have to give me a chance and see how I treat her. I know it's not an ideal situation but when in life do things go exactly as planned. I'm sure if they were iffy about it and they were willing to see what I'm like I could change there minds.

LegacyUser

I met my partner when 17 and he was 23 going on 24. There is about 6 and a half years between us. Together nearly 10 years now and very happy.

So it can definitely work if there is mutual really strong feelings there, however I will say this. Sometimes I feel a little bit like I settled down very early and missed out on some of the crazy fun college lifestyle thing as we lived together when I moved to college. I of course don't regret it as we love each other so much, but occasionally I think I would of preferred if we first met when I was finished college so I could have experienced life/independence as a single adult before settling down. It's not just about the partying thing either, just the experience of being alone and completely independent is something I've not had which I feel that maybe I've missed out on something there?

Of course I would not trade my partner for all the silly nights partying in the world as he is worth so much more than that, but it is an occasional twinge of "I wonder what it would have been like" that I get occasionally. I don't have kids but sometimes I hear people who had kids when they were very young say that they of course don't regret having their kid and love them dearly, but if they had the choice again they would have preferred to been a bit older having them. I think occasionally it is something like that that I feel.

It is just something to consider on your girlfriend's behalf, but yes your relationship could work if you both have enough similarities and genuine strong feelings for each other.

December2012

Park it for a few years. If it's meant to be it will still be meant to be when she's 20.

Overheal

green_screen wrote: »

It's more a case of 'what the heck can a school girl and a college sstudent have in common?'

Uhm..... Academics?????

:rolleyes:

My view: fcuk it. Age doesn't matter as much as commonalities and common interests.

I'm 26 years old but I'm in University, having gone back for a retry after dropping out in the past. I've been talking to a girl lately who is 19 years old, taking the same level of course work that I am, etc. - having things in common with one another is somewhat more important than age.

pugsnotdrugs13

I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 30.. 11 years of an age difference.. What do ye think?

December2012

I think there's a big difference between a 17 year old and a 19 year old.

Holsten

pugsnotdrugs13 wrote: »

I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 30.. 11 years of an age difference.. What do ye think?

I would say he is using you just for sex and it will not last any amount of time.

But everyone is different so no real way to know.

John Cherry

pugsnotdrugs13 wrote: »

I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 30.. 11 years of an age difference.. What do ye think?

As long as you both are into each other,it's no one else's business.

As they say age is just a number.

pugsnotdrugs13

Holsten wrote: »

I would say he is using you just for sex and it will not last any amount of time.

But everyone is different so no real way to know.

I don't really think he's using me because I always find myself wanting sex more than him (lol). But he's really immature for his age I think he has a bit of Peter Pan Syndrome

freshpopcorn

I think age gaps can work my mam was 19 when she met my dad who was 30/31 at the time. They have both achieved what they wanted and were recently married 33 years. So it can work and back then some people did make a big deal out of the age difference all they did was ignored it and got on with things because they were happy and in love.

Toots

I met my husband when I was 17 and in 5th year, he was 20 and a working adult. The age difference never registered with me at all. If anyone else had a problem with it, I certainly wasn't aware of it. I was a bit concerned that my parents might be like "what are your intentions with my daughter" but they saw straight away how crazy I was about him and how well he treated me so they weren't worried. That was nearly 11 years ago, we've been happily married for 3 years and have a beautiful son. Age is just a number, if ye're compatible that's the main thing. I'd say go for it and see how you get on.

Lolonamous

Toots* wrote: »

I met my husband when I was 17 and in 5th year, he was 20 and a working adult. The age difference never registered with me at all. If anyone else had a problem with it, I certainly wasn't aware of it. I was a bit concerned that my parents might be like "what are your intentions with my daughter" but they saw straight away how crazy I was about him and how well he treated me so they weren't worried. That was nearly 11 years ago, we've been happily married for 3 years and have a beautiful son. Age is just a number, if ye're compatible that's the main thing. I'd say go for it and see how you get on.

Cheers all the positive stories from you and others really have shed light on the situation for me. I really don't wanna live wondering "what if". I'm gonna go for it. I'm crazy about her and I'm not gonna let some preconceived idea hold me back. I'm in love and that's just it. Thanks again everyone

KTRIC

I've been dating a girl who's 22, I've just turned 35. Both of us work in the same company with decent jobs. Nothings official between us but so far the age thing hasn't put either of us off.

Although in the back of my mind i'm thinking a 22 year old is going to want different things in life than I want at my age.

Un Croissant

When my ex's sister started going out with a 42 year old man at the age of 16 and no one blinked an eye except myself, I gave up.

It depends OP. I'm in college with my lady,shes 18, I'm 23. Never have I thought it was strange. The brother had a bit of a strop but the less said about him...

If it works, it works. Four years isn't an awful amount but other posters are right about the pace of development and the long term consequences a relationship can have on life choices at that age e.g doing a course in college you aren't passionate about to be close to the other half.

RossFixxxed

I'd always be live and let live, people are all individual and it's hard to say.

But the fact is, if I was with a schoolkid when I was in my twenties I, personally, would have felt like a creepy weirdo. I'm not saying you are... but that is how I would feel.

Taltos

And with that last piece of sage advice we are done, especially as the OP has made up their mind.

Thread closed.