Boyfriend too busy

LegacyUser

I never got to really talk to him about why we broke up, but I really feel now that you were all right. He lost interest in me. I did a silly thing. I went to an online dating site where I met him originally and noticed he was online recently. Once I saw that I was/am absolutely devastated. I thought he was being honest with me.

I desperately want closure, but I can't get it without knowing why he broke up with me. I've been tempted over and over again to meet up with him, because I know a voice in the back of my head will always be saying "what if".

Is there anything to be gained from talking to him, even in a few weeks time, just to see what went wrong? Will he ever be honest with me? Not knowing is torture

Tokyo

I know it's not what you want to hear OP, but you need to ignore that voice in the back of your head that's saying "what if". It's over, and he didn't even have enough respect for you to give you a clean breakup - instead he went with the approach of giving you the cold shoulder and keeping you at a distance and hoping that you'd get the hint. And as you're beginning to find out

If he's been messing you around while you've been in a relationship, what do you think is going to happen if you call him? Do you think he's going to be suddenly overcome by honesty, and tell you truthfully if he lost interest in you or not, if he's been browsing dating websites or not, or if he has feelings for somebody else? If what you have said so far is true, then I sincerely doubt it.

I realise that you want answers, and some sense of closure OP, but honestly, all that contacting this guy is going to achieve is to mess you around even further. Retain your dignity and don't contact him.

December2012

toobusy wrote: »

Is there anything to be gained from talking to him, even in a few weeks time

The only thing that will bring is you feeling worse about yourself.

toobusy wrote: »

, just to see what went wrong?

Nothing may have gone "wrong". You just aren't what he wants right now. It's the cliche of "he's just not that into you".

Don't give it any more thought than it needs and don't prolong your pain.

Merkin

There is absolutely nothing to be gained from trying to get 'closure' because his words will not correspond with his actions which were him phasing you out, withdrawing intimacy and then ignoring you to the point where you had to instigate the talk which lead to the break up. What more is there to know?

Keep your dignity by maintaining your silence, you will be so glad you did.

LegacyUser

toobusy wrote: »

I never got to really talk to him about why we broke up, but I really feel now that you were all right. He lost interest in me. I did a silly thing. I went to an online dating site where I met him originally and noticed he was online recently. Once I saw that I was/am absolutely devastated. I thought he was being honest with me.

I desperately want closure, but I can't get it without knowing why he broke up with me. I've been tempted over and over again to meet up with him, because I know a voice in the back of my head will always be saying "what if".

Is there anything to be gained from talking to him, even in a few weeks time, just to see what went wrong? Will he ever be honest with me? Not knowing is torture

Ah honey, don't do this to yourself. I split with someone after a long term relationship, he told me that he loved me, but wasn't 'in love' with me. I hung on to that for a horrible amount of time as there being some hope, and 'what if' I talked to him, we sorted previous differences, what if we got better at communicating/prioritising.

There was no hope, he just didn't want to tell me that he didn't want to be with me anymore. Which is what it boiled down to really. After a few months, he promised that he'd send me an email explaining why he ended it - I hung on to that for ages, in the misguided hope that if I knew, I could fix/change it. Or at worst, that I'd understand why, and I could 'fix' myself. The email never happened. Not out of cruelty on his part - just because it's hard to say ' I just don't want to be with you any more, and I never will, and nothing you say or do will change that, ever'.

Took me a long (long) time to realise that there was no explanation, there was no closure, he just didn't want to be with me any more. Don't put yourself through having to have that underlined to you OP - it's an awful way to live, waiting for a light bulb moment, and finally realising that it will never happen.

Big Bag of Chips

He's trying to soften the blow with maybes and possibly getting back together. He has said you should keep in touch???? Why is he suddenly going to keep in contact with you, when any contact you've recently has been like drawing blood from a stone.

The relationship drifted. He was happy to let it drift and hoped you'd get the message and finish it, saving him the trouble of being the bad guy. When you didn't he tried to avoid being the bad guy with all the clichés he could think of.

If you are meant to be together you will get back together. I wouldn't be waiting around though. As others mentioned, it is possible to maintain a relationship and do a masters, work etc at the same time. All it takes is for both people to want to make it work. It can't work if only one person is making an effort.