Boyfriend too busy

LegacyUser

My boyfriend has recently taken up a masters course and is very busy. It is a part time course, so he is working at the same time. I understand how demanding a masters course can be, especially when it is part time and you're trying to do your job on top of any overtime you may have.

The problem comes up when he doesn't have enough time for me. He rarely texts me back when I text him and we might go a couple of weeks without seeing each other. What also bothers me is that he sometimes has time to go out with his friends, but not enough time to text me to tell me.

I don't want to seem like someone who is following his every move, but to find out he has gone out with his friends and doesn't have time to go out with me, even for dinner, with me is disheartening.

Is it reasonable to expect someone who is doing a masters and working at the same time to not have enough time to see their girlfriend, even for dinner or a quick chat? I am really worried that he is losing interest in me (even though he tells me he's not).

What should I do?

Wellyd

OP I could've written this exactly word for word this time last year. My OH was midway through a gruelling masters. He barely had anytime to see me and it seemed like when we did talk or see each other all we did was fight over how little time we had together. The masters only runs for a set length of time so when it's over you should get your OH back. My boyfriend told me that even though he knew there were times that I wished he had never started the masters in the first place he was glad that I stuck with it and supported him. It's not easy believe me but hopefully you'll get through it. We've been together almost 10 years, since we were teenagers, so perhaps that may have helped us.

From experience the best thing I did was to find a few new things to do yourself. I started baking a few simple bits and in the time that's passed I've really developed and now I love it. I also dedicated more time to my family. We always had a good relationship but the improvements over that time really made us all so close. But probably the most important thing was myself and my OH started making our plans a few weeks ahead of time so there was always something to look forward to even if it was only DVDs and pizza at home. He usually came home every 2/3 weekends so I knew not to expect much more. Some weeks when I wasn't expecting him home he'd show up and that would be a bonus.

You'll know OP if its for the long run so just try be patient even when you want to kill him! It's hard but worth it!

ted1

I'm just about finished a part time masters that was three years long, handing up the thesis in May.

I work full time, have two kids and get to the gym before work.

it really is all to do with time management. kids go to bed at 8 so that's when i start studying. take a break to chill with the misses then back to study.

when i had class it was 18:00-22:00 two days a week + study. i always made time to loved one.

you need your boyfriend to draw up a timetable for study etc and make sure you that he fits in time with you

Tigger99

How was the relationship before the Masters?

I'm going out with someone that is doing a Masters and he makes the effort, well we both do, so we never went a week without seeing each other, while working full time. And vice versa when I did my Masters. It can be done but whether your boyf wants to, is another story. It does seem odd that he makes time for his friends and yet it could be weeks before you see him.

Tbh I wouldn't be suggesting timetables etc. I'd be having an honest conversation about if he wants to make iyour relationship work.

LegacyUser

I'm in the same boat too and to be honest my b/f still finds plenty of time to spend with me. He works and study's part time and to add to this we both have children from previous relationships.

As we don't live in the same county, we spend every weekend together. I have hobbies I am very active in and my b/f comes with me.

Not seeing you for weeks on end would ring alarm bells with me.

Merkin

I think you need to find out from him exactly what's going on. He's doing a Masters, not running the country. Of course he can (and should) make time for you. My husband was doing a highly scientific, research PhD and found the time to do all sorts while doing it, if your boyfriend wants to make time for you then he should. Being too busy to give you the time of day (too busy for a quick chat you say, really????) doesn't bode well so I'd ask him for a face to face meeting to establish if it is just the Masters or if he's using it as an excuse to distance himself.

jackofalltrades

toobusy wrote: »

He rarely texts me back when I text him and we might go a couple of weeks without seeing each other. What also bothers me is that he sometimes has time to go out with his friends, but not enough time to text me to tell me.

Just out of interest, if you stopped initiating contact would he try to get in contact with you?

Not seeing your partner for several weeks would be ringing alarm bells for me.

LegacyUser

The problem is that he's in a very stressful job, working late hours and on top of that he has to do his masters, so there's lectures and a lot of study. I think he is very career orientated, and I don't want to annoy him all the time asking why I haven't heard from him because I feel like I'm putting pressure on him when he's already so stressed.

If I didn't text him for a while he would text me to see how I am, but it's usually only a couple of texts and he falls off the radar again.

Before the masters he was great, no problems. We used to meet up a few times every week and we were in contact every day. Just since he started doing the masters its been a dramatic change.

I did ask him if it was just because he was busy that he isn't in contact with me and he said it was. I don't know what else I can say to him.

Merkin

You need to establish whether he has time in his life for a relationship. At a minimum, you guys should be in regular touch, a quick phone call here, a few sweet texts here and there and then maybe keeping one night a week free for couple stuff without interruptions. Relationships take work and if he's not willing to meet you half way then there's no point.

You've said a few times that you don't want to be the nagging girlfriend but there's a vast difference between expecting very minimum couple interaction and nagging. Not confronting him on this makes you a pushover and it will just drag on with no change unless you both agree to work on it (that's if he wants to).

Tasden

I mean you know yourself if you feel he is being honest or not.

If you feel he is genuinely busy and nothing else is going on then you need to think about whether or not you can accept that and support him even if it means less communication/ seeing him less often.

If you feel that there is more going on then you need to discuss it with him.

At one stage I was working three part time jobs and studying part time too, with a child as well and I just had to end it with the guy I was seeing (or not seeing really!) at the time because I actually couldn't make time for him. Now some people said "if you liked him enough you would've made it work" but I didn't want him to have to sacrifice or feel neglected due to my schedule. Admittedly my child and the time I could offer her also came into the decision but I just felt it was unfair on him having a "slot" in my schedule every few weeks.
But my point is that this decision was because I understood how unfair it was on my partner at the time (not a serious/long term relationship btw) to have a "part time" girlfriend. He was upset yes but i knew i couldn't be a good partner and felt it was right to end it, perhaps I was wrong I don't know. The fact that your partner doesn't seem to be acknowledging how hard this is for you is a bit worrying. I think imo he should be doing something- whether it be discussing a plan to fit you in so to speak, ending things if he feels he can't remain in a relationship while undertaking the masters, or explaining to you exactly what to expect re how often you'll see each other and how ye can work through it- more texts, scheduled Skype etc. Instead he just tells you he's busy but doesn't try to resolve the issue even when you've told him its upsetting you, and even worse he is making time for his friends- which wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't at your expense.

You need to sit down with him and speak honestly about what you want and expect and see if he's willing to work things out with you and reach a compromise together. If not then I guess you need to decide if you're willing to stay put til he's done studying.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

You need to establish whether he has time in his life for a relationship. At a minimum, you guys should be in regular touch, a quick phone call here, a few sweet texts here and there and then maybe keeping one night a week free for couple stuff without interruptions. Relationships take work and if he's not willing to meet you half way then there's no point.

You've said a few times that you don't want to be the nagging girlfriend but there's a vast difference between expecting very minimum couple interaction and nagging. Not confronting him on this makes you a pushover and it will just drag on with no change unless you both agree to work on it (that's if he wants to).

Thank you for this advice. I bit the bullet and decided to talk to him about it.

After a long and stressful conversation, we have decided to break up for a while. When I say we decided, I mean he decided.

Basically he said that he's not ready for a relationship right now because of his education and career goals. He admitted he would not be able to give enough time to me and the relationship and it was best to put it on hold for a while, which could be over a year.

I do understand what he is saying. I can't expect him to be able to dedicate enough time to keep a relationship going. Up until now we were barely in contact and didn't really feel like we were even dating.

I'm just worried now. He says he wants to keep in contact, and that when his masters is finished we might be able to get back together. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but could it be that he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings and is breaking up with me this way? I pushed him on this and he said it really wasn't and that the time isn't right for a relationship for him. I tend to overthink thigs like this.

I don't know what to do from here. Should I remain in contact with him as "friends" until he finishes his degree? Do I forget about him and move on? What do I do? I'm completely lost.

LegacyUser

Sorry, but he has dumped you, without having the balls to say so. Delete him and move on.

Chucky the tree

Forget about him. The Master's/no time was just an excuse really. He just wasn't that into you unfortunately.

Merkin

Ah you poor thing, I hope you're ok. Break ups are never nice and I'm sure it's not what you wanted to hear so I hope you're not too upset. I don't like the way he has handled this at all, he has essentially frozen you out until such time as you were backed into a corner to confront him - not cool.

toobusy wrote: »

I'm just worried now. He says he wants to keep in contact, and that when his masters is finished we might be able to get back together. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but could it be that he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings and is breaking up with me this way? I pushed him on this and he said it really wasn't and that the time isn't right for a relationship for him.

This is totally unacceptable. He says you "might" be able to get back together? So essentially he is going to decide is he? :rolleyes: I'm sorry, but this is just totally selfish and unrealistic. He doesn't want to be your boyfriend now but wants to vaguely wave the proverbial carrot in the air for the next twelve months to keep you waiting in the wings? Why? I'd be saying absolutely no way. Anything could change in the next twelve months. He could meet someone, you could meet someone (highly unlikely if you're going to keep in regular contact by the way) and it's just ridiculous to put your life on hold for someone who has shown you so little regard. Women waited on men when they went off and fought in wars, not when they decide to pursue their own agenda and then be so cheeky as to ask you to hang around? How VERY dare he!

Contact him back. Say there is no point in keeping in contact as the distinct LACK of contact of late has shown you that this isn't realistic, tell him you want a clean break to pursue your own interests and life and tell him you're deleting his number. I know that may seem harsh but I think this breakup will probably be easier than you think given that you're not accustomed to hearing from him all that much in the first place!

Well done for having the chat, at least you know now x

Tigger99

I agree 100% with Merkin. And it doesn't show much respect for you and your feelings that he just reduced contact and didn't have the balls to talk to you about it instead, before you brought it up. You deserve to be treated much better. And do you really want to be with someone that has treated you like this?

Breakups are hard but I hope you realise that this is a good thing for you, you have an answer and can move on with your life.

Obliq

toobusy wrote: »

I pushed him on this and he said it really wasn't and that the time isn't right for a relationship for him. I tend to overthink thigs like this.

I don't know what to do from here.

You're worth more than this OP. I agree with Merkin too. How VERY dare he, indeed. If the time isn't right, then the relationship isn't right. Sorry for what you're going through, but this guy ain't worth it and especially not worth waiting for.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

This is totally unacceptable. He says you "might" be able to get back together? So essentially he is going to decide is he? :rolleyes: I'm sorry, but this is just totally selfish and unrealistic. He doesn't want to be your boyfriend now but wants to vaguely wave the proverbial carrot in the air for the next twelve months to keep you waiting in the wings? Why? I'd be saying absolutely no way. Anything could change in the next twelve months. He could meet someone, you could meet someone (highly unlikely if you're going to keep in regular contact by the way) and it's just ridiculous to put your life on hold for someone who has shown you so little regard. Women waited on men when they went off and fought in wars, not when they decide to pursue their own agenda and then be so cheeky as to ask you to hang around? How VERY dare he!

Contact him back. Say there is no point in keeping in contact as the distinct LACK of contact of late has shown you that this isn't realistic, tell him you want a clean break to pursue your own interests and life and tell him you're deleting his number. I know that may seem harsh but I think this breakup will probably be easier than you think given that you're not accustomed to hearing from him all that much in the first place!

Well done for having the chat, at least you know now x

The reasoning he gave was that he wasn't at the right time in his life for a serious relationship. I can understand that. I mean, working 9 to 6 and then going home to do lectures or study, how can he possibly be able to spend time with me. It would put a lot of stress on the relationship, as it was over the past few weeks.

Why he said we "might" be able to get back together is that who knows what our lives will be like in a years time. He might move abroad, I might find someone else. Thats why he said might as who knows what we will be like so far in the future?

I asked him to be honest, and he said he still has strong feelings for me, but that it was unfair on me because of the little time he could afford me. He says he really doesn't want to lose contact with me.

I don't know. Am I making excuses for him? He is normally very honest and straight forward about things and I asked him again and again if he had lost interest and he said over and over that he hadn't. I mean, if he had why wouldn't he have ended it long ago, or why would he want to keep in contact?

LegacyUser

I have to agree with the other posters.

I was in your exact position a few years ago. I was going out with a guy who was only willing to have a weekend relationship, and even then it was only the weekends that suited him. I was very independent and went to almost everything by myself. It didnt bother me too much as I had a very full life, but it started to get me down.
I gave him every chance (and excuse) he was very busy at work, he deserved time with 'the lads' to wind down from his stressful life.
I couldn't do it any more, and when I confronted him (after a few years!!) he told me it was over. that was it. All on his terms. He also wanted to stay friends, and maybe some day he would be ready for more.

I was heartbroken, and so upset. But I had had enough of him deciding when we would see eachother, when we would talk. So I channelled my inner anger and said it would no longer be on his terms. I sent him a message asking him to never contact me again. He called me , he was shocked and upset. But I had had enough. I knew it would hurt for a while (and it did) but I got over him. It was only long after it was over than I realised how far I had let it all go, I was so far down his list of priorities, and that is just not good enough.

I'm now in a committed loving relationship with someone who wants to see me, wants to spend every hour he can with me, and vice versa. Its the way it should be.

You will get over this. The way I see it is if he wants to be with you, he will be. You deserve more than beings at his beck and call. You should be with someone who makes you, and your feelings a priority in their life.

I think the hardest thing will be to cut all contact with him. But you need to do that for yourself. Make yourself a priority in this situation. And be aware, he will come back and want contact with you. He'll want the crutch and support you have always provided for him, but he's not willing to give you any more. So do yourself a favour and cut contact. You will get over him sooner, and move on to a better life as a result. You should put your life on hold for no one, especially someone who is not willing to give you the time of day.

Good luck, and stay strong xx

LegacyUser

Im undecided. I think what he is saying is possibly true. I Was working 9-6 and then going to lectures until 10pm and lectures on a sat as well. Involved alot of studying, no real time for much else even if I really wanted to.

I found relationships etc were no good as much as I was keen on someone I couldnt give them the time and when I did my mind was on my studies or being tired/under pressure

It was never an excuse, it was just the way I Felt.

all im saying is, maybe he really is keen on you still and maybe he thinks it isnt fair on you for the reasons above

You might be fine to still see him but would you be ok with him cancelling dates, being too tired to see you even if he hadnt seen you for over a week etc?

Obliq

toobusy wrote: »

I don't know. Am I making excuses for him? He is normally very honest and straight forward about things and I asked him again and again if he had lost interest and he said over and over that he hadn't. I mean, if he had why wouldn't he have ended it long ago, or why would he want to keep in contact?

I think he's making excuses for himself, toobusy. I accept that he is probably honest and straight forward, but that doesn't stop anybody from sometimes not being completely honest with themselves (and by default, dishonest to others). If he's not into trying to make the effort NOW, then he's more than likely fooling himself into thinking it could happen somewhere down the road (or not). This is to distance himself from feeling he's actually broken up with you - which is what he's done, since he doesn't want to be with you at the moment.
Why wouldn't he have ended it long ago? Well, he's let it drift on long enough that you had to bite the bullet and confront him about it. More dishonesty with himself, it sounds like. Sorry hon

beentheredonethat wrote: »

I think the hardest thing will be to cut all contact with him. But you need to do that for yourself. Make yourself a priority in this situation. And be aware, he will come back and want contact with you. He'll want the crutch and support you have always provided for him, but he's not willing to give you any more. So do yourself a favour and cut contact. You will get over him sooner, and move on to a better life as a result. You should put your life on hold for no one, especially someone who is not willing to give you the time of day.

Good luck, and stay strong xx

This. Seriously OP, you deserve better than to be strung along....

yermandan

toobusy wrote: »

I don't know. Am I making excuses for him?

yes

Merkin

toobusy wrote: »

I asked him again and again if he had lost interest and he said over and over that he hadn't. I mean, if he had why wouldn't he have ended it long ago, or why would he want to keep in contact?

But if he hadn't have lost interest to some degree then he would still be with you. And no, he wouldn't have ended it long ago because you see yourself how protracted and agonizing it has been to get to this stage. From your original post you had to end up nagging him about contact and ultimately you had to confront him in order to extricate an official break up from him. So it doesn't follow.

I agree with the posters above, he's not being honest with you or with himself. He wants you to act as his comfort blanket and have you wait in the wings because he is afraid of the finality of a break-all-contact/go separate ways split. Ultimately that's just selfish and I'm afraid you are making excuses for him.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

But if he hadn't have lost interest to some degree then he would still be with you. And no, he wouldn't have ended it long ago because you see yourself how protracted and agonizing it has been to get to this stage. From your original post you had to end up nagging him about contact and ultimately you had to confront him in order to extricate an official break up from him. So it doesn't follow.

I agree with the posters above, he's not being honest with you or with himself. He wants you to act as his comfort blanket and have you wait in the wings because he is afraid of the finality of a break-all-contact/go separate ways split. Ultimately that's just selfish and I'm afraid you are making excuses for him.

I feel terrible. I don't know what to do. I fear that if he is being totally honest and I break all ties with him, then that's it forever. No chance to be with him again, even though we could have a future together.

On the other hand, I worry that what you are saying could be true and that I am waiting for something that he ultimately doesn't want to happen.

I'm crazy about him and just the thought of cutting all ties with him is just horrible. The only way I could do it is if I knew 100% we have no future.

I feel I need closure. I can't just end things without knowing the truth. It would drive me insane thinking "what if". Should I talk to him and explain exactly what's going through my head?

Merkin

toobusy wrote: »

I feel terrible. I don't know what to do. I fear that if he is being totally honest and I break all ties with him, then that's it forever. No chance to be with him again, even though we could have a future together.

Ah you poor little sausage, of course you feel terrible

I can promise you now, that if you are truly meant to be with this guy again, then you absolutely will be. It's not like you're going to break up and you're going to go and work in the international space station and be gone forever. If you sever ties and in twelve months time (or before) he decides that he can't bear to be without you, then he will get in touch, I can guarantee it.

What would be significantly more damaging is to have a protracted break up (which is what will happen if you keep in touch) that will take months and months and really end up messing with your head. You could have a situation where you're still in touch, you still meet up occasionally, you kiss or sleep with each other from time to time and where does that leave you? On Planet Headwreck, that's where. You won't be his girlfriend anymore but you're still enjoying each other's company....to what end?

I know you say you want guarantees that it is 100% over permanently before severing ties but there are no guarantees with anything. All you know at this juncture is that he hasn't been bothered with you at all of late (not to even text you or call you or keep in touch, has found time for his mates but none for you) and when confronted, he has decided to no longer be your boyfriend. All this talk of being friends and keeping in touch? It would be fooling both of you and ultimately lead to significantly more hurt in the long term than a clean break.

I'm sure the thought of severing all ties is daunting but I'd much prefer to rip off that plaster and be done with it then live in most probably false hop for months on end and living a half life until such time as you've finally decided you've had enough. Don't do that to yourself.

Obliq

toobusy wrote: »

I feel I need closure. I can't just end things without knowing the truth. It would drive me insane thinking "what if". Should I talk to him and explain exactly what's going through my head?

You poor pet - I'm very sorry you're left in such limbo like this. It's actually very unfair on you to put you on hold, and tbh, it doesn't endear me to the man at all.

I understand that you don't want to believe what we are thinking - that he's taken the easy way out of breaking up with you by essentially doing just that, but putting it on hold for a year or so. Perhaps he doesn't want to believe it of himself either. Let me ask you this though, and I don't want to upset you more, but can you ever imagine yourself breaking up with him under the same circumstances? I mean, if he wanted to be with you, how could he take the risk that you might meet someone else?

It's he who should be honest with you, not us.

December2012

I think "who knows what the future holds" is one of those standard trope lines that get said during break ups.

As well as "well remain friends".

I think he has been as honest as he's going to - he has a lot of priorities right now and his relationship with you was not one he could commit more investment in.

Really, what more would another chat give you?

Don't hold out hope for a reconciliation or a friendship

meeeeh

^This. Rightly or wrongly he told you what you want to hear to soften the blow.

I've been your bf before. You don't mind spending time with someone when there is nothing better to do but that person is also not part of the long therm plan. It is not fair on the other person (you in this case) and I'm sorry but effectively you've been dumped. Sooner you forget about him the better.

LegacyUser

This is making for some very depressing reading.

I probably sound like I'm clutching at straws here, but I'm just trying to run through everything in my head. Could the break up be partially because of a lack of alone time? Over the past couple of months we haven't been alone together. We're not into public displays of affection, but most of the time when we meet it's in a public place. Whenever we're at home there are a lot of people about as well. We haven't had sex in weeks either. There is a genuine reason for this, which I would rather not get into.

Could the lack of physical contact draw the spark out of a relationship? I know I have been frustrated about it for some time now. It is not really his fault. It's just the way things worked out.

December2012

If he wanted to spend time with you, he would.

The things you describe are signs of a dwindling relationship. But what happens is that both in the couple are on the same page as regards trying to get some alone time and some intimacy.

meeeeh

toobusy wrote: »

Could the lack of physical contact draw the spark out of a relationship? I know I have been frustrated about it for some time now. It is not really his fault. It's just the way things worked out.

I think my previous post came out quite harsh which was not my intention. I still stand by what I wrote though and your last post just reinforced my belief that your feelings for him are much stronger than his for you. Especially in the earlier stages of relationship people love physical contact and even if you can't have sex alone time and some sort of intimacy is desired. What you wrote above seems to me more like early stages of dating. I think he likes you enough to try to make the break up as gentle as possible (not being very successful) but he is not in love with you.

Merkin

toobusy wrote: »

This is making for some very depressing reading.

I probably sound like I'm clutching at straws here, but I'm just trying to run through everything in my head. Could the break up be partially because of a lack of alone time? Over the past couple of months we haven't been alone together. We're not into public displays of affection, but most of the time when we meet it's in a public place. Whenever we're at home there are a lot of people about as well. We haven't had sex in weeks either. There is a genuine reason for this, which I would rather not get into.

Could the lack of physical contact draw the spark out of a relationship? I know I have been frustrated about it for some time now. It is not really his fault. It's just the way things worked out.

Oh dear, this sounds like it has been dying a death for some time, with the lack of intimacy and one on one contact merely being symptomatic rather than the cause of the relationship's demise. So couple this with a total lack of contact or even meeting up in the last few weeks and I think the writing probably has been on the wall for some time Im sorry to say. The more you disclose the more it seems certain that this doesn't have a future unfortunately, probably not what you want to hear given how upset you are you poor thing but you have asked for honest opinions. Take care xx