Met a girl, convicted Stalker.

whackjob

Hi, as the title suggests I have met this girl, who is great fun and who I do like. On the first date she told me that she had a bad break up and got in trouble with the Gardai as she had stalked her ex and kept calling to his house and he got sick of it and called the Gardai, at least she was honest and told me from the very beginning.
Should I run a mile or should I give her chance ?
We do get on well and it is nice to have company as this is the first serious 'relationship' since the breakup of my marriage last year..
Thanks

jane82

Well you have two choices dump her now and risk getting stalked or stay with her and you have a 50/50 chance of getting stalked depending on whether you stay together or not.
Id watch out for warning signs of smothering controlling behaviour though.

Gatling

Personally I'd run a mile ,

You could give her a chance if you like her ,
But I'd be very weary despite her honesty

jms2013

The gardai calling to the house isn't a conviction. Unless she was convicted in court,she's not a ''convicted stalker''. It's your call to proceed or not. Yes she was honest but it's a strange conversation to have on the very first date. Personally I think I'd walk away.

CaraMay

Ah you don't need the grief...

Czarcasm

Dump this girl now for her own sake when you're already calling her a whack job, hardly the basis for a solid foundation to a healthy relationship.

miamee

The Gardaí probably had a word with her for making a nuisance of herself, not a convicted stalker. She obviously did a very silly thing but telling you on the first date was a bit TMI.

It's up to you OP how much you like her and how many dates you have been on since. We've all done spectacularly silly things in our past, I'm not sure blabbing about them on a first date is ever a wise choice though. Do you know how long ago this was? Does she still see/talk to/contact the guy?

freshpopcorn

It depends on how much you like her to be honest, if you want to give her a chance go for it. She was probably up front about the staking because she didn't want you to hear it from somebody else.

StripedBoxers

I would be put off by the fact she has stalked someone previously and would walk away now.

How do you know she is a convicted stalker? Did she say she was convicted or that the Gardaí had a word with her over her behaviour?

Merkin

I find it bizarre in the extreme that someone would say this on a first date
It's almost akin to a disclaimer. In doing so I'd be wary of the fact that she can then turn around to you after displaying nutty behavior directed at you with the excuse that you already KNEW what she was like.

So for that reason I'd proceed with caution if I were you - if her behavior necessitated a trip from the 5-0 then it must have been relatively serious.

whackjob

Thanks all for the advice. Not sure if convicted was the correct word but she did end up in front of the judge who warned her after she kept calling to the ex's house
She says she just couldn't handle the break up etc. This all happened 6 months ago and the other man is now gone to England to work.
We have discussed it and she is very sorry for the shame she brought to her and the other family..
I think I will give it a go as we get on well but
there is a little doubt there.
Thanks all.

Merkin

whackjob wrote: »

She says she just couldn't handle the break up etc.

Break ups are hard as most of us can testify but most people don't end up in Court after their behavior post break up.

Fine if you want to proceed but I'd be keeping my eyes and ears wide open for any kind of freakish, clingy or obsessive behavior.

Tokyo

People make mistakes in life. And people can change. And really no matter what you post here, you're going to have trust your gut instinct on this one, because we can only go on what she has done in the past - we can't get a sense of who she is *now*. If you feel that you get along well, then it may be worth giving it a go, at least to get a better sense of the girl. But if your spidey sense starts tingling to tell you that all is not quite right, given the fact that she has a history, it would be wise to heed it.

ash23

She ended up in court which (I'm open to correction) would indicate that she had probably been warned off and carried on doing whatever it was she was doing. And it must have been fairly severe to end up in front of a court over it.

Plus it was only 6 months ago. I might be inclined to let it slide if it was years and years ago when she was very young and that she had learned and matured a lot since then.

I mean, 6 months ago she was so broken hearted that she was stalking him and now she's grand? I doubt it?
I wouldn't be getting involved with someone like her to be honest. Just too soon since it happened for my liking.

freshpopcorn

Merkin wrote: »

I find it bizarre in the extreme that someone would say this on a first date
It's almost akin to a disclaimer. In doing so I'd be wary of the fact that she can then turn around to you after displaying nutty behavior directed at you with the excuse that you already KNEW what she was like.

She might have just wanted to be honest with him. She might feel sorry for what's she's done in the past and doesn't want him to hear it off somebody else.

Borderfox

Fair play to her, I think she was trying to start off on the right foot.

daRobot

It's a tough call, but as mentioned above, it's almost like a disclaimer.

Personally, I'd walk away before you both get attached.

Fentdog84

Id be very, very alarmed about this. No one made her stalk this guy, she did it herself and if she can be capable of such disturbing behaviour in the last 12 months, she's surely capable of it now. Id probe further into it if i were you. What did she do exactly and why? Has she been to some counselling? The fact that she's all nice and charming now when things are going well means nothing, beware you could be dealing with a narcissistic personality here, and if you are you should run like hell. A good rule of thumb is if in doubt , leave it out.

dixiefly

The 6 month detail is certainly the biggest factor in this. As written above it is unlikely that she has gotten over him and what happens if he returns from England.

If you are so so about her then its not worth the effort.

But if you really do like her and think that there is a good spark there then I think it is ok to continue but keep it reasonably low key. Dont get too sucked in and see if it is developing into a relationship ou would like to oursue. In that tie you will get a chance to know her family, friends and prerhaps get an appreciation of what she has been like throughout her life and if this was an abberration.

Sleepless and Manic

dixiefly wrote: »

The 6 month detail is certainly the biggest factor in this.

Yup. If she's that sensitive then six months is way too short a time to get over someone.

Merkin

freshpopcorn wrote: »

She might have just wanted to be honest with him. She might feel sorry for what's she's done in the past and doesn't want him to hear it off somebody else.

Maybe so, it's totally open to interpretation. I'd find it all very recent however.

ElleEm

I agree with Ash, Sleepless and Dixiefly. 6 months is usually very short in terms if getting over a broken heart, but the fact is the Gardaí had to get involved with her only 6 months ago would certainly raise red flags for me. As Ash said, it is not like she can chalk it down to youth and immaturity. If you choose to proceed, do so with caution!

Stavro Mueller

I'd definitely be wanting to know what professional help she had received in the wake of her brush with the law. It's one thing to lose your rag and do something stupid once. This was an ongoing thing and I assume she ended up in court because she refused to take on board what her ex and the guards said to her. That she was seemingly incapable of stopping this behaviour despite knowing that it was wrong is certainly a matter for concern.

MugMugs

As odd as it is for her to disclose this straight off its a bit of a hat tipper too. I'm somewhat impressed by Her bravery. If the Gardai told her to knock it off then she wasn't convicted. People make mistakes and do silly things during break ups. Obsession is a part of it and some people cannot control themselves enough to stop themselves acting on impulses.

I wouldn't run but I'd proceed with caution. Unless you yourself have never made a mistake!

Eeden

whackjob wrote: »

she did end up in front of the judge who warned her after she kept calling to the ex's house

Some of you don't seem to have read this bit. It wasn't just a warning by the Gardaí. It went to court. So she must have been at least charged with something. It isn't clear whether she was convicted or not.

I'd be a bit wary, too.

MugMugs

Eeden wrote: »

I'd be a bit wary, too.

Yeah, that's kinda scary so OP.

Eh, It's your own call but you could end up being in the same boat as her ex !

delos

You would want to be very careful here and watch for things moving too far too quickly where she is concerned. She might be on the way to getting better but she still could have a long way to go.

If you do give this a go make sure she's kept at arm's length from your extended family (and ex-family) until you are really sure that the behavior was a once off.

JillyQ

Op i would be very cautious of her. Has she got any help dealing with the break up of the relationship? Being up before a judge for stalking is serious. Was it the Gardai that took the case or her ex?

CaraMay

whackjob wrote: »

Thanks all for the advice. Not sure if convicted was the correct word but she did end up in front of the judge who warned her after she kept calling to the ex's house
She says she just couldn't handle the break up etc. This all happened 6 months ago and the other man is now gone to England to work.
We have discussed it and she is very sorry for the shame she brought to her and the other family..
I think I will give it a go as we get on well but
there is a little doubt there.
Thanks all.

I really think you are playing with fire here. As others have said, it's only 6 months ago. If I were truly shamed by my actions I wouldn't be dating for years or until I was 100% sure (after a lot of therapy) that I was ok and the pattern wouldn't repeat itself. 6 months is not long enough to be 'cured'. Did she to for any cbt / counselling to help herself.

Ok so he is gone to England. Did he go as a result of her behavior? It's very possible.

What happens if he comes back? Will it all kick off again? These situations are rarely confined to one person or situation and I think you are brung very naive here.

It's just not worth the possible outcome of this. Plenty of other girls out there.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

I really think you are playing with fire here. As others have said, it's only 6 months ago. If I were truly shamed by my actions I wouldn't be dating for years or until I was 100% sure (after a lot of therapy) that I was ok and the pattern wouldn't repeat itself. 6 months is not long enough to be 'cured'. Did she to for any cbt / counselling to help herself.

Ok so he is gone to England. Did he go as a result of her behavior? It's very possible.

What happens if he comes back? Will it all kick off again? These situations are rarely confined to one person or situation and I think you are brung very naive here.

It's just not worth the possible outcome of this. Plenty of other girls out there.

Definitely 100% agree!

While I do think it's nice that she was honest SERIOUSLY - she was brought to COURT for stalking!! That is not like being caught with a tiny amount of weed or a driving offence - it's way, way more serious!

Yes, she was honest but still - I would not feel comfortable with someone who only 6 months ago was stalking and probably harassing her ex. And like CaraMay says - what happens if the ex comes home?

OP - fair enough you will do whatever your heart tells you but her admission of her past (only 6 months ago) is a HUGE red flag!

tara73

OP, I would definately talk to her again about this thing. I ( means you) would like to know in detail what happened, what she's done exactly and also and mostly important, how she sees what she's done in hindsight. You havn't mentioned anything in your posts whether she truly regrets it (or not).
Can she reflect what obviously strange and obsessive things she's done? And as others said, is she getting any help, councelling or something like that?

If you really like her, it should be worth talking to her to get a feeling where she stands with this situation and whether she's on a right track to distance herself from it and that it would be unlikely she's doing it again.

LegacyUser

I think it's interesting the OP has clearly made his mind up that he likes this girl and for whatever reason wants to give her a chance. To me this would indicate this girl possibly isn't psychotic. She has expressed regret and shame and no doubt the court appearance has given her a level of maturity about this...

What age is she?

Although it's fairly shocking I have to hold my hand up and say that in the past when I dated a guy who brought out the absolute worst in me we had this off the wall dynamic that led me to do the weirdest of things. I knew what time he finished college and used to drive around the college pretending to be in the area now and again so I could give him a lift home. I definitely Internet stalked him and every girl who posted on his bebo page (this was a while ago) got a full inspection and evaluation.
I never sat outside his house but I wasn't far off.

I've since had far healthier dynamics and break ups and I've thankfully never had any overwhelming pain that's led me to stalk the person.

Anyway, my point is.... Maybe this relationship she had had a weird horrible and over-passionate dynamic. Maybe she wanted to talk to her ex and maybe he called the guards because he is an asshole and not because she had made a nuisance of herself.

I admire her honesty telling you straight away as it would suggest she isn't a scheming or malicious person.

Follow your gut, if she seems to be making her entire existence revolve around your relationship you'll need to look at what's going on.

6 months is not a long time but if someone called the guards on me I'd get over them pronto!

Also, it takes about a year to get a court date after being charged so perhaps it was the court date that was 6 months ago?

CaraMay

She was in court so it was down to more than just calling the guards. A decision would have been taken then, and not lightly, to bring the case to court. This isn't because she drove past his house too often, there must have been physical or criminal damage IMHO

JillyQ

CaraMay wrote: »

She was in court so it was down to more than just calling the guards. A decision would have been taken then, and not lightly, to bring the case to court. This isn't because she drove past his house too often, there must have been physical or criminal damage IMHO

I agree with you Caramay but what hasnt been established is whether it was the Gardai or her Ex that took the case. If it was the Ex it was a civil action and apparently less proof is needed.

CaraMay

JillyQ wrote: »

I agree with you Caramay but what hasnt been established is whether it was the Gardai or her Ex that took the case. If it was the Ex it was a civil action and apparently less proof is needed.

Oh look I know but either way it's not pretty.

JillyQ

Its not pretty at all and to be honest i have been in the situation that the ex was in, it is one of the most frieghtening experiences you can go through.

Sleepless and Manic

Givethegirlabreak wrote: »

I think it's interesting the OP has clearly made his mind up that he likes this girl and for whatever reason wants to give her a chance. To me this would indicate this girl possibly isn't psychotic.

I dont know that I follow this logic.

:eek:

Taltos

Sleepless and Manic - welcome to PI/RI. Please take some time again now to read our charter. This forum is an advice forum, it is not a discussion or debating forum. Basically the short of it is that if you have no constructive advice to offer the OP you are asked not to post, doing otherwise here can result in moderator action having to be taken against such posts and in extreme cases results in threads being closed.

Taltos

redbaron_99

I would be very wary of any person who engages in stalker type behaviour. I certainly wouldn't be taking a chance by letting someone like that into my life. She probably made the ex-boyfriend's life a living hell with her antics. A mate of mine went through almost a year of torment with his ex. He was on the verge of a nervous breakdown at one point. My advice: run a mile now.

Katgurl

I'm a bit torn on this one. On one hand I think everyone makes mistakes / deserves a second chance and fair play to her for telling you.

On the other hand, if I was starting our with a guy who had shown this sort of behaviour before I would run like hell. I find dealing with people who refuse to hear what you're telling them to be absolutely terrifying. I have a bit of experience in this area and the result is, first sign of possessiveness / control from a new guy is guaranteed to have me heading for the hills.

You sound like you want to see where this leads so you probably will. My advice if you do proceed would be to keep alert to obsessive behaviour (if you see any, make a hasty departure) but if it's all going well after a certain amount of time and you're happy then just show her the admiration she deserves for moving on and learning her lesson.

nlk

Just to add a slightly different point of view to her telling you on the first date……

As other posters have stated I think 6 months is way too short a time for something so serious to be put to bed and I think her telling you on the first date is very likely a sign that it is still an issue/not emotionally resolved for this woman.

I also think that this, coupled with stalking someone, is a sign that she doesn't have a good understanding of reasonable behaviour/personal boundaries.

She is likely sorry for what she has done and perhaps it wouldn't happen again but the fact that it happened 6 months ago and that she brought it up so soon would raise alarm bells for me.

If for whatever reason, emotional problems, circumstances etc. I had been in front of a judge for stalking, the last thing I would do would be to offload it on someone on a first date. I would wait until I knew the person and thought a relationship was likely and then be honest and explain things. It just highlights something askew in her judgement to me.

It seems to me like this is , understandably, likely still very raw for this woman and if that is the case she needs more time to get over it.

Yeah_Right

I think the Op should give her chance. Crazy girls are way more interesting and fun!!!

Thats my experience any way. Yeah I know...... I'm getting banned.

Stench Blossoms

Was it 6 months ago that she was in front of the judge or 6 months ago that they broke up?

Because usually these things take a few months to get before a judge.

Catphish

whackjob wrote: »

Hi, as the title suggests I have met this girl, who is great fun and who I do like. On the first date she told me that she had a bad break up and got in trouble with the Gardai as she had stalked her ex and kept calling to his house and he got sick of it and called the Gardai, at least she was honest and told me from the very beginning.
Should I run a mile or should I give her chance ?
We do get on well and it is nice to have company as this is the first serious 'relationship' since the breakup of my marriage last year..
Thanks

While honesty is admirable, it was odd to bring it up on a first date.

The answer to your problem hangs off two things, and how comfortable you are with the answers is how you decide whether to let her go or proceed.

A) How serious did it get? If a court appearance was involved it must have meant she was warned before and ignored it. Ask her to talk about it.

Has she been to a counsellor to deal with her feelings at the end of relationships?

I feel it's all too soon for her to be honest with you op, but it's your call at the end of the day. I wish you well whatever the outcome.

whackjob

Hi all and thanks for the advice, I guess I wouldn't be on here unless I had concerns so I am probably answering my own doubts !!
I live in the country about 15 miles from her and I would of found out about her past, as it turns out a work colleague knows her Sister, but thats all he said.
It is 6 months since she was in front of the Judge and had to undergo Counselling and a pyschological evaluation which she says went fine (haven't seen the reports)
I am going to give it a chance, as she is good fun and sociable but I will look out for all the signs that posters have mentioned..
Bye and Thanks

December2012

To me then it sounds like it's a past problem.

There's something in me that thinks it's great she brought it up so you could consider it head on.

Do watch for anything in the future but good luck.

SterlingArcher

Avoid this girl at all costs. You can't win.

1 she is a stalker bad news.

2 it was just a once off and she couldn't help it because the guy was such a dynamo in the sac.

3 tell her I forgive her.

JillyQ

whackjob wrote: »

Hi all and thanks for the advice, I guess I wouldn't be on here unless I had concerns so I am probably answering my own doubts !!
I live in the country about 15 miles from her and I would of found out about her past, as it turns out a work colleague knows her Sister, but thats all he said.
It is 6 months since she was in front of the Judge and had to undergo Counselling and a pyschological evaluation which she says went fine (haven't seen the reports)
I am going to give it a chance, as she is good fun and sociable but I will look out for all the signs that posters have mentioned..
Bye and Thanks

Op has the judge asked for a pyschological report? and if so has she been back to court. It sounds to me that if he has this case is not over.

mike_ie

mike_ie wrote: »

People make mistakes in life. And people can change. And really no matter what you post here, you're going to have trust your gut instinct on this one, because we can only go on what she has done in the past - we can't get a sense of who she is *now*. If you feel that you get along well, then it may be worth giving it a go, at least to get a better sense of the girl. But if your spidey sense starts tingling to tell you that all is not quite right, given the fact that she has a history, it would be wise to heed it.

Yeah funnily enough the openness and honesty is sort of refreshing in a way. I mean at the end of the day while what she did was serious at the same time it might be unfair to define her by it until you know the whole facts of what actually happened. Was there tit for tat with the other half etc. I can understand being taken aback by her admission but for now id hold off making a rash decision. Lessons may have been learned here. See how it pans out for a few weeks. We all make mistakes.

JillyQ

JillyQ wrote: »

Op has the judge asked for a pyschological report? and if so has she been back to court. It sounds to me that if he has this case is not over.

Good point too. Do a bit of detective work in the background.

JillyQ

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Good point too. Do a bit of detective work in the background.

Should be easy enough for the op to find out if it was in the local papers.