Unstable Flatmate

freshpopcorn

Go to the Gardai OP. The accomdation people won't like having them sniffing around the place so it might make them act and help you out a bit more.
Also, you might have to be convising to the gardai about the issue and that its really effecting you because without hard core evedience/the guy admitting he's wrong there is little they can do to him. You'd have the whole thing written down with them though. Also a scare from the gardai migh make this guy back down.

sopretty

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Go to the Gardai OP. The accomdation people won't like having them sniffing around the place so it might make them act and help you out a bit more.
Also, you might have to be convising to the gardai about the issue and that its really effecting you because without hard core evedience/the guy admitting he's wrong there is little they can do to him. You'd have the whole thing written down with them though. Also a scare from the gardai migh make this guy back down.

I thought they introduced stalking legislation a few yrs back? Sharon ni bheolain is going through similar.

Call me Al

Please talk with your family.

As a parent I would hate to think either of my children would be experiencing something as frightening as this and just didn't want to bother us. our job as parents is to protect them from harm and that doesn't just stop when they reach 18.

Then go to the gardai. Your parents may even want to go with you,but ultimately that's your choice.

Neyite

I echo what the others say about telling your parents. In my twenties, I went through a tough time and never told them. My mother was really hurt and felt I didn't trust her, when really, I didn't want to worry her. over 15 years later I still hear her going on about it.

The next time I needed her, she was amazing.

Yes they will be concerned, and yes they might rip that Admin woman a new one . But they will listen to your fears, and your thoughts and remind you of the strengths that they know you have in you when you need it most.

I'm reading a thread on another forum at the moment asking "have you ever unwittingly known or socialised with a psychopath?", and its pretty scary the stories that are being told of meeting/ dating people that just seemed "off" and some years later they are in the news for a horrendous rape/assault/ murder and the poster realises how close they came to danger.

So make a big fuss, and dont be fobbed off. This is what will keep you safe.

ahnow

Hi OP, just wanted to tell you, we actually just covered this in college yesterday, once you report the harassment to your university, and they don't take the appropriate action, they are legally responsible for the consequences. Dont let this drop. Get all the help you can.

cloudatlas

I would go to the 'Welfare Officer' in the students union after going to the Gardai. The head of accommodation shouldn't be allowed to get away with such poor handling of the situation, you have evidence and witnesses after all. They have put you in jeopardy by refusing to remove him.

Some other poor girl could get the same shoddy treatment the next time. In addition to this it sounds like the stalker needs serious professional help, her attitude is helping nobody.

Est28

Glad to hear the OP will go to the guards.

One serious part of my situation was that whatever the girl was doing to me, she was essentially denying everything and then going and telling people that I was doing to her... all the things she was doing to me.

So the earlier you get your spoke in about it, the better. Before he even has a chance to go on the defensive, make sure people know and if friends and parents know too then you have full backing.

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, OP here again,

I went to the Gardaí yesterday morning with my friend (who had witnessed the cutting incident) and filed a complaint against him. I had everything written down in a timeline, even small things and gave them all the physical evidence that I had kept. They said if he denied everything when speaking to the college accommodation officer, he would probably do it again but they said in most cases when they give the perpetrator a warning, they stop. They said to keep a note if anything else does happen. The female garda advised me to move out of the accommodation, that in this case I could get my money back and they would step in if there was any trouble with that. There were other little things but it was a bit of a blur. They were very good I must say and handled the situation a lot better.

I'm going to tell my parents tonight when I'm home for the weekend. I don't know why but I feel kind of ashamed of myself. I know I haven't done anything wrong and I'm not sorry for him or anything, he's probably unwell, but the entire situation makes me feel sick to my stomach. With my friends I told them/ or they witnessed the events as it went along and with the Gardaí the environment was very formal and it was just easier to distance myself from the situation. Telling my parents makes me feel weird though, ashamed as I described it before. I always seem to attract weird people. The entire situation reminds me of an incident when I was quite young. A middle aged couple started renting a house beside my Grandad's, he would mind me for a couple of hours after school. The guy next door used to have a dog and I was allowed go into their garden and play with it. He invited me in one really hot day around April for a drink. Then he asked me did I want to watch the TV and I said yeah. He put me on his lap and started stroking my hair and I started to get uncomfortable. I went to move from his lap but his grip tightened on me. Then the front door banged and he pushed me off and I fell onto the ground grazing my knees on the carpet. His wife came in and she gave me this horrible look as if I had done something wrong and barked at him why I was there and he started stumbling over his words. I just walked out and ran back into my Grandad's house. I was going to tell him but I was really frightened and again, really ashamed of myself. The next day I didn't go outside into the back yard. The shop was only two minutes up the road so my Grandad brought me into buy some sweets to cheer me up, when we were inside he got talking to a friend and I was looking at the magazines when the guy next door approached me. My Grandad had his backed turned to me so he didn't notice, I was really frightened. He was nice at first but still looked worried, he asked me had I said anything and I shook my head and he said I was better off not doing that. If I told my parents they would be angry at my Grandad for not looking after me properly and I wouldn't be allowed stay at his anymore. He patted me on the head and walked out. They moved a few of weeks after the incident but I never told anyone that because of the way he made me feel. And I have the same feelings surfacing again. Other stuff like some old guy followed me around a shop for ages when I was 13 and me and my sister ran all the way back home. Just stuff that unsettles me really.

Sorry, I know that hasn't anything really to do with the situation now and everybody has been so helpful already (much appreciated), but how will I approach the situation with my parents? Tell one first to settle the nerves and then the next one? Certain parts of the story I would find difficult saying to them.

Neyite

Tell both of them together. Start with the fact that you have had to make a complaint to the gardai regarding a flatmate and that they need to be aware of the details. Then tell them, letting them process it in their own time.

What happened when you were young will resurface, as its previous un-dealt with trauma - its similar feelings of fear that you experienced now and then, but you didnt have the adult knowledge or language to explain then why it made you uncomfortable or scared. Kids dont have words for those things. Now you do, so you go back in your mind to make sense of it. So, when you are thinking about it, identify those feelings and name them - it will help.

Can you access counselling in college? I think it might be worthwhile to help you process all that is going on right now.

Lisha

Op everyone else Here has given you excellent advice. You have coped wonderfully by calmly and with help of friends asking for Garda help.
I can't add anything but I just wanted to reach out and wish you luck.
That memory that has resurfaced needs to be dealt with . Be glad you had a lucky escape but the fear and the later realisation if the danger you were in will take its toll.
Talk to your gp or college and they should be able yo recommend a good counsellor.
I wish you well op

Merkin

You've no reason to be ashamed OP, in fact I think you've been remarkable, very brave and dignified in the manner in which you have dealt with all of this. How you are feeling is a natural reaction to an unnatural situation however so please don't be hard on yourself.

You have done the right thing. Bullies and predators (like your Grandad's neighbor) are depending on the people they prey on to keep their silence and you m'dear are standing up to him - well done!!

Your parents love you, they'll be glad you told them. If there is a hint of trouble from him again, get straight back on to the cops. I hope this is the last you hear from him and I hope you are ok xx

hfallada

One thing I can't understand is why in student accommodation that they are mixed. In trinity halls for TCD students none of the dozens of apartments are mixed. My parents are landlords and I can't think of any time his college students were mixed out of choice. Girls even in there thirties still want accommodation with other girls.

OP I seriously don't buy they can't refund your money. If you life is in danger how can they can continue to expect you to live there? Im sure if you threatened verbally one of the security guards you would be gone in the morning. But you are constantly harassed by someone in your own apartment and they expect you to get on with it.

The accommodation officer sounds like she doesnt know the seriousness of the situation or simply chooses to ignore it. Get your tutor involved. Her/his job is to make your college experience pleasant. I think your tutor is probably your best opinion. I would also tell your parents. Because I imagine you will eventually tell them.

But honestly op I don't know how you expect to do well in college if you have to look over your shoulder constantly. You have years of college left and the problem isn't going to go away on its own.

December2012

Well done OP.

I'm guessing that you are being reminded of the childhood incident because the groomer used manipulation and fear to stop himself getting into trouble and keep his access to you from his end.

Your stalker has used the same tactics here.

But you're not a child any more, and you spoke up this time.

When we are in a position that we experienced in the past our memories an come flooding back as if we are re experiencing that situation again.

I suggest that you start off by telling your parents all about the stalking and harassment.

Maybe print out your post or a list so you can keep all the information out to tell them.

They will want to help you.

But they will also want to know why you didn't tell them, and their fear for you and shock at getting the news may make them sound as if they are angry at you for not telling them.

They're not - they're angry at themselves for not making sure you could tell them anything. (Although I don't suggest you say this to them!). But bear it in mind.

Then tell them why you felt ashamed and couldn't tell them - because of the childhood experience you had.

Deep breaths and take comfort in the fact that the more you tell people, the more you'll be protected.

Big Bag of Chips

You can tell your parents what you are comfortable telling them. You don't have to go into specific details if you don't want to. As Neyite suggests you can tell them you've had to make a complaint to the Gardaí and give them the rough details. You might find the more you tell them, the easier it will become to tell them more.

Of course you feel embarrassed. Of course you feel some sort of shame, even though you know you have done nothing wrong. That is completely natural, and is why so many people keep quiet when something bad happens them.

For now you are telling your parents so that you have their support in helping you deal with your accommodation. So, if you don't want to, you don't have to go into too much detail. But having them know will ease the pressure on you.

Good luck, now that more people know and are on your side it will make you feel more in control, and safer.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. Yeah there's a college counsellor there alright. I definitely will look into it. Thanks again.

@hfallada: Taken directly from the accommodation website: (College Name Removed) Campus Accommodation apartments consist of 3, 4 and 5 bedroom apartments. We endeavour to put first year students together similar to putting second, third and fourth year students together. We try to mix apartments equally between males and females.

There were only a few apartments which were all male or all female. Anyway, I lived with two guys and a girl last year and it was no bother. Same with a lot of my siblings and friends in other colleges, they've all lived in mixed accommodation so I don't understand why you find it so strange.

In the terms and conditions, which I signed at the beginning of the year, it stated that unless I found someone to fill my room I would not be given back my money. As a good few people have dropped out as it is, there's still a few rooms to be filled so if I left I'd forfeit the money but because of the circumstances I will be looking to get that money back to move to safer accommodation which I see as my right, especially if they can't get rid of him.

Merkin

Yes, mixed accommodation is the norm in all university accommodation. Where I attended Uni, single sex accommodation was normally favoured by Muslims where gender segregation is a requirement but otherwise mixed.

Tokyo

hatful_of_hollow wrote: »

In the terms and conditions, which I signed at the beginning of the year, it stated that unless I found someone to fill my room I would not be given back my money. As a good few people have dropped out as it is, there's still a few rooms to be filled so if I left I'd forfeit the money but because of the circumstances I will be looking to get that money back to move to safer accommodation which I see as my right, especially if they can't get rid of him.

Absolutely. That would apply more to changes of heart or disgruntles housemates, not a girl who is finding herself stalked and assaulted by her housemate. There isn't an accommodation clause in the world that states that you have to stay in an unsafe environment. It would be a legal and PR disaster of the highest magnitude if, after this situation, you weren't refunded the remainder of your money. Again, to reenforce what everyone else has been saying, this is where letting a parent know is advantageous. The accommodation office might jump up and take notice a lot quicker if a parent is looking across their desk, rather than a student.

CaraMay

Well done op. I know it's early days yet and you are coping amazingly but it may be a good idea to do some counselling to help you put the childhood incident and this flat mate incident behind you?

The Red Shoes

hatful_of_hollow wrote: »

In the terms and conditions, which I signed at the beginning of the year, it stated that unless I found someone to fill my room I would not be given back my money. As a good few people have dropped out as it is, there's still a few rooms to be filled so if I left I'd forfeit the money but because of the circumstances I will be looking to get that money back to move to safer accommodation which I see as my right, especially if they can't get rid of him.

Absolutely. I lived in Res as a mature student a few years ago and one of my flatmates was a pig. When he'd have friends over the walks would be covered in beer and furniture overturned. Eventually he broke the front door and hallway glass after a fight with his girlfriend. NOTHING close to the same scale as your story and we (3 of his flatmates) all moved out at Christmas and got full refunds. There are absolutely no grounds for them withholding your deposit. I think it's best to approach them as if it's a formality.

I am so, so sorry you've had to experience this OP. I think you're handling things so bravely and maturely. I have no doubt your parents will be proud to have raised you so well when you tell them x

LegacyUser

hatful_of_hollow wrote: »

In the terms and conditions, which I signed at the beginning of the year, it stated that unless I found someone to fill my room I would not be given back my money. As a good few people have dropped out as it is, there's still a few rooms to be filled so if I left I'd forfeit the money but because of the circumstances I will be looking to get that money back to move to safer accommodation which I see as my right, especially if they can't get rid of him.

OP terms and conditions go both ways - the college needs to provide you with a safe living environment which they've failed to do. You tired resolving the issue by speaking to him, that didn't work, you tired moving to a different apartment, that didn't work, you've done enough to try and resolve the issue. Proof you've brought the issue to both the college, even if the housing officer failed horribly in doing their job, and the Gardai's attnetion is enough proof for you to move and get your money back.

emuhead

Talking to a college counsellor means the college will also have it on the record via student counselling.

Make sure you keep detailed notes of your communications with the college, particularly this accommodation person. If you're meeting them and they say something you want to get on the record, ask them to email you or send them follow up emails summarising your communication. I've been a student and now work in a university (so have seen both sides) and believe me, some staff in student services are a lot more helpful to other staff than the students they are supposed to be serving. Keeping communication formal can help expedite matters.

You've got some excellent advice and I see you have been very proactive in dealing with this. Don't let this creep get you down x

P. Breathnach

emuhead wrote: »

Talking to a college counsellor means the college will also have it on the record via student counselling....

Not if the counsellor has professional standards!

Use a counsellor if you need help dealing with issues.

nikpmup

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Not if the counsellor has professional standards!

Use a counsellor if you need help dealing with issues.

+1 - the counsellor *might* have it on record that the student has been to see them, but the details of their sessions is kept private, for good reason.

emuhead

I wasn't clear re the counsellor. The counsellor would never share details outside the service without the express permission of the student, including the fact that the student has attended an appointment. If the OP needed some extra supports student counselling might be able to assist them in accessing them, only at the student's direction of course.

miss no stars

OP, I just feel I should add that students are bound by a student code of conduct and serious breaches can lead to expulsion. Stalking, violence and sexual harassment are almost as serious as it gets. If you move out you still have to avoid him around college. I'd be taking this up much, much further with the college. I would want him gone. Gone from the residences, gone from the campus and gone from your life. I know it might sound extreme, but this guy sounds very unstable. Go to the correct person and tell them you want it pursued to the fullest extent of the student regulations. If you don't know who that person is, go to your tutor and outline the situation, mentioning you've also gone to the Gardai.

College is a privilege. It's not a right and access is conditional on certain behaviour and meeting certain standards. He's not meeting the behavioural standards.

Also, if you do decide to move out you are fully entitled to a refund. There will also have been something in your residences contract about behaviour. He has also signed this. They failed to implement their own rules, making the accommodation unsafe for you and so they have broken their end of the contract.

Eta: I found this, I think I have the college correct...

Residents involved in disorderly behaviour in <snip> Campus Services -Accommodation property will be subject to disciplinary charges and criminal charges as appropriate. Such behaviour includes fighting, vandalism, harassment, damage to<snip> Campus Services property, disturbing the peace, or any other activity considered inappropriate by the <snip> Campus Services - Accommodation authorities.
Residents must at all times conduct themselves properly and in a
manner which is conducive to study and sensitive to the privacy and needs
of other residents.

He harassed you in the accommodation. Their side of the agreement requires them to act. Oh and go to the SU with it as well. Accom supervisor was soooooo far off the mark and needs to feel some consequences.

Ham Sambo

First of all would you let your folks know what is happening, you can't deal with this on your own, and why should you. It's hard enough dealing with college without having to deal with a dick he*d like this guy as well.

Some of what you have written is worrying to say the least, for what it is worth my advise would be to contact the college authorities and see what their take is, don't stay in the same apartment block on your own, move out if that's what it takes, print off a copy of what you have written and show this to the college and the Gardaí, but please please let your folks know what's happening.

You should be allowed to enjoy college the way you wish, remember one thing, you did absolutely nothing wrong here, but get it sorted for your own piece of mind, best of luck and keep us updated.

Isolt

I don't want to frighten you but I do hope you take this very seriously.

A cousin of mine had a very similar experience in college and it all came to a very threatening/dangerous end. I won't go into too much detail as the perpetrator has recently committed another crime involving a young woman, but basically, this guy took a liking to my cousin, she turned him down and after months of texting, calling, turning up at clubs/pubs/parties etc the lunatic watched her house and when she was there alone he quietly let himself in the door, locked it from inside so she couldn't escape and waited in her room for her to come upstairs that night. He accidentally knocked something in her bedroom, she heard some scrambling, noticed the keys were gone and straight away knew that it was him in her house.

She climbed out the window, went next door and called the police. The guy upstairs did not know she had left the house and when the gardai arrived they found him on the top of the stairs with duct tape and chicken wire.
I still have shivers thinking about it, can't imagine what my cousin still imagines.

Please do not down play this issue. It can escalate very quickly, she thought this guy was just a creep but it turned out he was a very messed up, violent individual and that night could have turned into something horrific had he not made such a noise upstairs.

Witchie

Op first up well done on being so brave and handling this so well. I wish I knew you so could just give you a hug and tell you that it will be ok.

You have been told exactly what to do in this thread and am so glad you are following the advice because you really do need to protect yourself.

I have had a few stalker incidents in my time and brought one to the attention of the Gardai and that stopped it. It really is so important that you keep note of everything to back it up coz some stuff will slip your mind especially when you are worried or stressed.

Hopefully this creep will be kicked out of college now and you will get on with your life and put this behind you.

You say that you seem to attract "weirdos". I am the same and only the other evening 2 of my friends were saying to me it's because I smile at everyone and am friendly to everyone I meet. Some people just don't know the difference between someone being friendly and them being encouraged to enter their lives. I have been thinking about it since my friends said it and I think I might have to be less nice to strangers in the future.

Unfortunately there are some people out there that just cross the line and this guy very definitely has. Please do tell your parents but reassure them that you have the authorities dealing with it so that they feel safer for you too.

Again well done on how you have coped with all this and the best of luck for the future. x