Unstable Flatmate

LegacyUser

Hey everybody,

I moved randomly into student accommodation back in September. I was in college previous to this but I dropped out, worked for the rest of the academic year and then switched colleges/ to a preferred course. So basically I didn't have a clue who I was moving in with, which had worked out fine the year before that.

Anyway, I was put in with two guys and one girl. All three seemed really nice and we got on well. At the start, to get to know other people in our accommodation block we would all go out together. With drink involved I knew rather quickly that one of my male flatmates liked me. It was a difficult situation because unfortunately he is a person who mistakes politeness/friendliness for flirting so I had to be careful how I acted around him so I didn't lead him on.

Anyway come mid October we had all made our own group of friends from each of our courses, we would still get ready together but we'd go our own separate ways. This was great because I could avoid awkward situations with him. However, one night me and my friends were walking back from the niteclub and I heard someone calling me, it was him with one of his friends. The two of us separated from the group and walked to our apartment and I was dreading being alone with him, I just knew what was coming. I tried to get into my bedroom really quick, saying I was tired but he called me back and said that he needed to talk to me. To sum it up he said that he really liked me and then he tried to kiss me. I just backed away from him and was upfront and said that I didn't like him that way. He kept saying "is it because we're flatmates?" And I said no, because he's the type of fella that would move out just so he could have a chance. I didn't want to give him any false hope and I said that I hoped it wouldn't make anything awkward between us. Something like that wouldn't bother me.

The next day was hell. He was really passive aggressive towards me in the communal part of the apartment. The way I saw it- it was my apartment too and I had a right to go in and out of the kitchen as I pleased. It wasn't my fault I didn't like him that way. After that I didn't see him for a couple of weeks. He would go into college and would only come into the kitchen if I wasn't there. My two other flatmates said not to mind him, he was just being childish. Suddenly then he appeared in the kitchen at breakfast time. I was the only one up and he awkwardly said hello and I said the same. He started asking me was I going out that night and I said I was. He said he might see me out. It was really weird, he was very friendly. I didn't care though, it was less hassle having him talk to me.

I went to my friend's house that night and got ready there, we went straight out to the niteclub. He started to ring me asking me where I was. I said we were out and he sounded really annoyed on the phone. He said he'd be right there and that I should have told him. To be honest it was none of his business what I was doing. He said he was going out with his friends that night, plus he had ignored me for two weeks? We weren't even friends anymore in my opinion, we had just had a polite chat that morning.

I put my phone on silent and just had fun with my friends. There was a guy there I liked and I ended up kissing him. Then out of nowhere my flatmate stormed in and called me a slut! And shouted other abuse at me. I didn't even know he was there watching me...He was making such a nuisance of himself and picking a fight with the other guy, that one of the bouncers dragged him out. That was the end of that. My friend asked me did I want to stay with her that night and I said that would be great but I had to get some stuff from the flat. She walked me back and we heard him roaring in the apartment, we went in and his friends were there pale faced staring at him. There was blood pumping out of his wrist and he had a knife in his other hand and when he saw me he said "look what you did to me!" Stone mad. He went to hospital anyway.

After that I moved bedrooms. I would have preferred to have moved to a different area but the accommodation crowd wouldn't refund my money so there was a room was free with one of my friends in another apartment on a different floor so that was okay. I didn't hear anything from him for awhile but then I started getting messages on facebook from him. I had deleted him as a friend but they went into the other inbox. They were really weird, he'd basically send the same message six times or so. I ignored it anyway.

After Christmas my Dad brought my stuff up with me and the apartment block was empty bar a few foreign students. I was there for the night by myself. I decided to go out a get takeaway, it was when I was coming back that I met him. He just appeared out from the corner and I got the fright of my life. He started asking me how I was and then he started to ask why I had unfriended him on facebook and why I kept ignoring his messages. It was the first time in my life that I can honestly say I was scared to death. He was really tense and was speaking a mile a minute. I just told him to leave me alone. He stopped outside the building and when I was out of sight I ran back to my apartment. I couldn't sleep that night and I really wanted to go down to the security guard on duty and tell him but I didn't want to go outside of the apartment. At around 3am I heard someone knocking on the apartment door, it was him. He went away after ten minutes and slipped a note under the door saying that he was sorry if he scared me.

A few weeks past and I didn't see him. Then I was at a table quiz and he kept staring across at me and smiling. At one point I went to the toilet and he followed me. He grabbed my arm just as I was going into the ladies and was really angry. He asked again why I was ignoring him and his grip was becoming stronger. He said that if anything happened to him it was my fault. I told him to get off me and a guy who was coming in asked was there something up. He let go and walked back out. I said to my friends I was going to go home. The next morning my wrist was covered in bruises. I took a photo, just in case.

The last thing that happened was on Friday. I was in my apartment getting packed, ready to go home. I heard a knock on the door and my friend went to see who it was. Nobody was there but on the ground was an expensive bouquet of flowers, a teddy and a card. They were addressed to me. I knew the minute she said it to me it was definitely from him. I opened the card and let it drop because there was what looked like semen on the inside of the card. I could wrong but ugh, it looked like it. Written on it was "to my love, x". No name. No one else would do that but him.

I've come here for advise, I'm freaked out. I'm even worried about staying late in the library or staying up at the weekends if I have to do extra study. I'm scared of what he's capable of. He's unhinged to say the least. I'm not a dramatic person but he seems to be obsessive. There's other little weird things that have happened in between (like someone calling me on private numbers constantly?), the post is too long already to include the rest. Does anyone have any advice? I would really appreciate some outside perspective.

Tokyo

If it's student accommodation then they have a duty of care towards your wellbeing - they, after all, placed you in the same apartment as this guy in the first place. The guy has obviously crossed the line from having a crush on you - he is obsessing over you, and has manhandled you on at least one occasion.

There's no if's or but's here - my first port of call tomorrow morning would be the college accommodation's office to explain the situation, outline each and every scenario as you have here and tell them that you feel threatened to the point where you can't leave your room without feeling under threat by him.

If they don't take you seriously, (and I can't imagine a scenario where they wouldn't), tell them that you would like to involve the Gardai directly, and immediately.

Xaniaj

Sounds absolutely horrible, poor thing.

Have you told your parents? To be honest, I'd be reporting this to the guards...

Holsten

Wow.. this guy sounds really unstable.

So you no longer live with him? After all this behavior I would recommend you first speak to someone from the college about the situation, see if they can sit him down and try to talk some sense into him.

After that I would go straight to the Gardaí. This behavior is completely unacceptable and it sounds like unless it is stopped it could get worse.

Merkin

OK, as someone who has been stalked before I cannot begin to tell you how important it is that you stop unwittingly protecting him by not telling people about him. You need to first go to college authorities. They take student safety very seriously. Have you kept the card? You need to file a report with the cops and give the card to them. I'd also give them a chronological detailed account of exactly what has happened. You also need to tell you parents. You need to tell your flatmates. You need to protect yourself at all times until such time as the authorities have dealt with him. He keeps escalating his level of menacing and sick behaviour so you really need to act on this and stop trying to deal with it yourself because if you don't it will only get worse. Please report him immediately.

Tmeos

That is really disturbing, I agree with the above you have put up with enough. You need to be seeing someone in accommodation and tell them exactly what you have here and see if you can have him moved from where he's staying. With the behaviour you have outlined he is not only a threat to you but to others.

Also I would be seriously thinking of going to the Gardai with what you have said as it is harassment and quite a serious level at that. Even if you can't prove anything a warning from the Gardai might be enough to get him to realise how serious this is and back off.

In the meantime I'd be looking at staying somewhere else (with friends or family off campus maybe) just for your own peace of mind.

Est28

Hi OP.
About 10 years ago when I was in college I had a similar sort of thing with an ex girlfriend. It wasn't a flatmate situation but she lived down the road from me. She knew when I was working, my class schedule, when I'd be home, etc and always showed up.
Same with nights out and stuff, would always find out from someone where I'd be.

I could write a book but there was all the theatric's and hysterics, attemtping to hurt herself, etc unless I'd take her back.

In the beginning it seemed harmless, like she was heart broken and I felt a little sorry, like what this guy said she tried to show how everything was "my fault".

Ok... so point being... NONE of it is your fault. He needs to get it together. The problem being, I'm guessing, either his family are not aware of what he's like or else they do and are just glad he's off at college so they can ignore it.

Don't wait for another thing to happen. Go to the police, tell them the story and they'll write a report. It's unlikely they can arrest him or anything but once they are aware of the sequence of events then something can be done if he ever bothers you again.
Do not under any circumstances feel sorry for him. People like this pull at your heart strings to keep out of trouble while terrorizing you.
I held out for a LONG time but eventually I told people what was going on and they got me to go file a report and without going into specifics, things began to work out. This person finally got out of my life.. or at least, mostly.

What he's doing is not acceptable and going to the Guards should be the next step.

Paddywiggum

Go straight to the Gardai and report this now. Tell them you are in fear of this man. Then report it to the relevant college authorities.

fro9etb8j5qsl2

You poor thing OP my heart goes out to you I was in a similar situation a few years ago and believe me, you're not doing yourself or this man any favours by letting him get away with his behaviour.

In my own case it began fairly innocuously with a text here and there. When he started leaving odd gifts under my car I still thought it was innocent enough (even though I lived in the middle of nowhere) and that he was harmless. Then the messages started saying he was waiting outside my house or was up the village waiting for me (I always thought he was only messing and trying to elicit a response from me). At this stage, alarm bells should have been ringing. I don't know why I was being so naive but I honestly believed that he was just a socially awkward person who didn't know how to approach women properly. I looked at it as more of a nuisance than anything else. That is until he started to follow me around. I would be going about my daily business when I would get a text from him saying exactly where I was, what I was wearing etc. I could never see him but he could always see me. Often, I would be driving when I would get one of these messages and when I would look in my rearview mirror, there would be a car tailing me just far enough back that I couldn't make out his face. I would be too terrified to drive home for fear he would follow me to my door and would end up driving around for ages trying to lose him. I was finally realising that his behaviour was sinister, even though he never threatened me or directly approached me in person.

I went to the guards expecting them to roll their eyes at me but, to be fair to them, they took the matter very seriously. They told me to keep a note of everything that happened, which I did. They gave him a 'friendly warning' to cease contact with me but he continued. The local guard went up to him a second time and I don't know what he did or said to him but the guard rang me afterwards and told me that I'd have no more trouble from him and thankfully, I didn't. I later discovered that the same fella was a paranoid schizophrenic with a history of violent erratic behaviour :eek:

So yeah, I would advise you to go straight to the gardai. Make a note of everything that happens and tell your friends what's going on so that you will have them to support you. Let security know and ask them to keep an eye on you . As awkward as it sounds, try to have someone with you at all times when entering or leaving your apartment. This persons behaviour is escalating and he will not just go away or stop.

IrishEyes19

mike_ie wrote: »

If it's student accommodation then they have a duty of care towards your wellbeing - they, after all, placed you in the same apartment as this guy in the first place. The guy has obviously crossed the line from having a crush on you - he is obsessing over you, and has manhandled you on at least one occasion.

There's no if's or but's here - my first port of call tomorrow morning would be the college accommodation's office to explain the situation, outline each and every scenario as you have here and tell them that you feel threatened to the point where you can't leave your room without feeling under threat by him.

If they don't take you seriously, (and I can't imagine a scenario where they wouldn't), tell them that you would like to involve the Gardai directly, and immediately.

I completely agree with this, I would also tell your landlord/s that you will be contacting the Gardai and advising people not to stay there, its a threat that will hopefully make them shift their opinion as they wont want bad press at all. I had a similar situation with bad housemates during my undergraduate course and that approach worked. You should leave there, OP, he sounds really dangerous and the cutting incident is very alarming.

tinkerbell

OP, I'd be doing two things - go to your college authorities and going to the gardai to obtain a barring order from this guy. I'd be going to the gardai first so that they can start getting the barring order in place, then go to the college authorities. Do it all today. This is extremely serious - you have no idea what this guy will do next. Please go straight to the gardai today. Your safety is of major risk here. This guy is not just unstable, he is psychotic.

Neyite

Its stalking, pure and simple. If you report him, the authorities can get him the help he clearly needs, and protect you.

I know that Gardai are very sympathetic to situations like this. Please talk to them - you wont be getting the guy into any trouble by getting advice from the Gardai.

Chazz Michael Michaels

Write this whole thing down, try to remember dates and times of events. Then bring it to the Gardai.

ladygirl

OP

I manage a student complex and I can tell you now that if a student came to me speaking like this it would be taken VERY seriously. All students should feel safe in their own home. However as I often tell many parents and students (we can only take action on what we are aware of)

Also you should not have to go downstairs to speak to security - within our complex all Mobile numbers (mine included) are made available to students so that if they have an issue they can contact the office/security in confidence.

I also had an issue similar to this in college and not wanting to frighten you but after I declined his advances, he stalked, then the guy ended up in a psychiatric hospital. Even from there he continued to try and contact me so I also changed my number/email etc.

Please contact the college - in my incident I contacted a lecturer who was very helpful. The guy was in my class and the lecturer could see the shift in atmosphere...

On my graduation day that lecturer came and spoke with me "off the record" about it and confessed that he too could see what a loose cannon the guy was. He himself admitted he was extremely worried at the time

Please approach the college, your accommodation complex office and the gardai. Also please tell your parents and friends as if they are aware of the situation they can and will help you in any way they can. My friends used to invite me to their house for the weekends if we stayed up in college (just because they knew I hated staying alone after that)

All the best OP
xxx

Fear Sneachta Ban

This is really scary. These kind of people really exist, in about 12 hours since the OP started this thread four other people have said they had similar stories. Obviously take the advice others have given with regards to going to the Gardaí, the college authorites, accomadation people etc but also if you could be extra careful until the authorities deal with this. Have someone walk home with you all the time, don't be alone in the apartment if at all possible. He's shown that he can get violent, just be careful until he's out of your life. Hopefully that will be very soon.

Est28

Also, as mentioned but some others but I forgot to add...

Speak to whoever is available in your college. Be it the housing people, campus security or take it higher if they don't understand the problems severity.

I found they take these things EXTREMELY importantly. I had the wrong impression that they might laugh or think it was a silly fight between teenagers. This was not the case at all when I spoke to them. Infact they had seen/heard different types of stories like this as it wasn't their first time around the block. They know what they are doing.

Also... it's not like school where you're "tattling" on someone and you both go to the principals office. In my case, this person was even getting access to off limits parts of the campus which I would be allowed go to due to my course.
They weren't immediately hauled out or anything, infact security was made aware of the person and they were monitored around campus. It's not like you have to stand next to them in the principals office, it's very different. You file the report and then they deal with it as they see fit, either they will directly speak to the person or will monitor their activity on campus closely.

Luckily in my case, the college side was sorted easily. I was close to most of my lecturers and their faculty and they knew there was some issues. They never acted like a teacher scolding anyone, they understood there was some disruption and helped me along. Quite a few of them knew of the person as she had made herself known to them one way or another but essentially just humored her behaviour then kept security or the authorities informed.

That's the college side.

Anyway, the big thing is, they'll do their best to make you feel bad and like you can't go telling anyone. You need to tell everyone you can.

Again, at first, they had convinced some people I was a nutter for spreading rumours but even some of her closer friends saw what she was like eventually and it was funny because quite a few of her old friends and co-workers have seen me out over the last few years and made a few comments and some even apologized as they had realised what had actually happened.

It'll def all work out. There's ways to deal with these people, unfortunately they do exist out there. Just remember that it's no normal or acceptable and whatever authorities are there to protect you.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, OP here again.

Thanks to everybody who replied. I didn't explain myself properly in the first post because there was a lot to include:

I did indeed explain the situation to both the security guards in my accommodation and the lady over the college accommodation after my experience at the table quiz. The security guards were very helpful and said that they would keep a close eye on me and advised me to inform the accommodation officer about the situation.

The accommodation officer, as I found out, is not the most pleasant person and made out that I was basically making a mountain out of a molehill/ being overly dramatic at first. I showed her the bruising on my wrist and she wrote down the incidents that had occurred but she couldn’t promise that he would be moved from the apartment block. She was taking it seriously at least at this point. She sent me an email later on in the week and said that he denied the above incidents, although admitted to the self-harm - but said that was nothing to do with me.

^This experience is exactly why I did not go to the Gardaí. I was very upset afterwards because I felt like she didn’t believe me. It seems hard to believe, but it's the truth.

My close friends all know, as one of them even witnessed the self-harm incident and also the other saw the Valentine’s card. They're all great a support, I'm lucky to have them.

l'm definitely going to go to the Gardaí now after reading everybody’s advice (thank you all btw), I kept the card and presents, have the Facebook messages, the picture of my wrist, the note he put under my door etc. all of which can back up my story. My Mam and Dad don’t know because I don’t want to cause them unnecessary worry. I hope that it's taken more seriously than it was by the accommodation officer, hopefully it will be. I'll go in the morning.

Tokyo

OP, glad to hear that you are taking action on this. Even though the Gardai may not be able to do anything immediately, a call or two from them may be enough to scare him straight, and the incidents so far will be on record should you need to go to the Gardai again in the future. It may be no harm to bring a friend with you to the police station as witness to back up your story.

Bad form on the Accommodation Officer for not taking your complaint seriously - it's vital that students in your situation feel that they can contact their accommodation officer and be treated with understanding. I'd consider contacting your students union office about this and let them know, and perhaps get them to say something - it may be the kick in the ass that the accommodation office needs to take these complaints more seriously in the future.

Good luck.

Holsten

You should 100% contact someone higher up in the college about the actions of the Accommodation Officer.

Terrible behavior.

sligoface

OP you probably should tell your parents, do they not know why you had to move? If you were my daughter I'd be having a word with the accommodation officer, they need to be making an effort to sort this out. Unfortunately some adults don't give young people proper respect, even in situations where they should be, and young women like yourself may have less experience dealing with people like that and often can be fobbed off more easily. Also, do you have any neighbors in your flats you are friends with? If not, try and get to know some, so you can knock on their door if your flatmates are gone and the guy is creeping around again.

Taltos

I would also tell your parents.
Main reason being is that you may benefit from some independent legal advice - sometimes people need a little prodding to do the right thing. Threat of legal action can be a great motivator... (Can be but not always, in your case though I think there may be other avenues eg restraining order etc...).

Go with someone to the gardai, if you are nervous talking to a male you can ask to speak to a woman garda. But lay it all out for them - show the timeline, witnesses, action you have taken. Let them know how scared you are and steps you have taken (accommodation officer).
As mike_ie said they may not be able to do something immediately, but you need to stay in regular contact, build the relationship and follow through. Equally this guy could have form or they might be able to do something immediately...

Again though - talk to your folks and get independent legal advice. As above the college have a duty of care and they need to be reminded of that...

Stavro Mueller

Holsten wrote: »

You should 100% contact someone higher up in the college about the actions of the Accommodation Officer.

Terrible behavior.

As well as going to the guards, I recommend you do this. I had a sneaking fear the accommodation person would have an attitude like this. I happen to know someone who has had recent experience of on campus accommodation and has found the manager extremely unhelpful and hostile.

Definitely report this guy to the college authorities. If nothing else, they should be afraid of you suing their ass off for negligence. That is aside from their duty of care etc.

LegacyUser

I had an AWFUL experience when I reported harassment to my college. The head honcho acted like he was the defense attorney on a tv show, twisting my words and insinuating I had been asking for it. He was unbelievably sexist and biased and had clearly made his mind up about the case before he'd met me. And to top it all off, he actually said "these are our least favourite cases to deal with. You do know that if anything DID happen, it would be too late and we couldn't change that?". Basically, bugger off, I don't want to deal with you.

In his case I think it was 75% ideology and 25% laziness, but I wonder if your woman is frightened to deal with him because he has mental health issues. It might be that they're so scared of stepping a foot wrong that they'd rather try to silence you and hope it goes away. Or she might just be a horrible, callous person. Either way, these people should NOT be responsible for student welfare and you, the victim of unwanted advances, must be their priority.
Please don't let her make you feel small or hysterical, you really aren't.

I have to agree with the people who say you should tell your parents, because even if they can't do much about the guy (sometimes I long for a big band of beefy brothers) they can help defend you against this nonsense, and you deserve to have your good name defended. You'd probably do anything for a quiet life right now, but you're actually being mistreated twice, once by the guy and once by the college, and once you're safety is established you are going to feel pretty feckin hurt and angry about that. These things do affect you, and your work.
I wish I had gone after that guy, because I hate to think that that is how he'll deal with other women like me. If your parents' support (and, lets face it, greater authority) helps you defend yourself and get heard higher up in the college, then I really think you should consider that. No-one likes to kick up a fuss but injustice is injustice.

But first and foremost, talk to the guardaí, check in with security, tell your friends and make sure you have a support network around you. There are loads of people who would be very willing to help protect you if they knew what you were going through. Give people the chance and most of the time they'll do right by you

Chazz Michael Michaels

Tell your parents. Seriously.

Merkin

Please tell your parents OP. I'm so close to mine but I hid what was happening from them until something really bad happened. Don't do that. I said this in my earlier post and I can't emphasise how important it is. I also said in my post to contact college authorities - I didn't mean an Accommodation Officer, they're only bothered with Admin and aren't much use. I'd be going straight to the Dean or your Head of Department, someone who has a duty of care to you and who can also invoke the help of the guards on your behalf if you like. It is a college matter also after all.

This is a very serious matter and needs to be dealt with accordingly. PLEASE gather all the evidence and file a report today - just because that subwitted numpty of an accommodation officer was so wholly incompetent and stupid doesn't mean everyone else will be. Go the cops today and tell your parents and please make college officials aware of what is going on.

Emme

Holsten wrote: »

You should 100% contact someone higher up in the college about the actions of the Accommodation Officer.

Terrible behavior.

Trinity has a dedicated person who looks after student discipline, the job title is Junior Dean. This person looks into alleged breaches of discipline by students. If there is an equivalent in your college it might be worthwhile approaching him/her but go to the Gardai first. It would be best to approach the Gardai and Junior Dean equivalent while there are still bruises on your wrist.

The campus accommodation manager is being negligent and this should be brought to the attention of your college.

Big Bag of Chips

When I was late teens and early 20s I'd often be in situations where I'd think.. I won't bother my parents. Nothing as serious as your situation, but small things like waiting 3 hours for a taxi at 2 and 3 o'clock in the morning. I thought I was doing the right thing by not bothering them.

Now I am a parent, and I see it from a whole different perspective. And if you ever become a parent yourself you would be distraught if you knew your child was going through something like you are, but didn't want to bother you with it.

Please tell them. I'm guessing one phone call to the accommodation officer from either your father or mother will completely change her tune! She still might think you are over reacting and making a mountain out of a molehill, but she will do something about it.

You keeping quiet is what is allowing all this to continue. He is continuing because nobody is challenging him, and the accommodation officer has already forgotten about you because you didn't push it further.

I cannot imagine how scared you must be on a daily basis. Go to the Gardaí, bring one of your friends with you as support and a witness. Go back to the accommodation officer after you've been to the Gardaí, bring your friend too, and tell her because she didn't take you seriously you had no choice but escalate it, and that the Gardaí ARE taking it seriously. Then tell your parents.

This can be stopped. But it won't be stopped without you having to make a bit of a fuss, and telling various relevant people, unfortunately.

December2012

Tell your parents.

Tell the Gardai.

Tell somebody over the accommodation officer.

CaraMay

December2012 wrote: »

Tell your parents.

Tell the Gardai.

Tell somebody over the accommodation officer.

Definitely. Your mental and physical health is the most important thing here.

Lollipops23

OP, there's no way your parents wouldn't want to know this.

When I was 18/19 I had some problems with an ex-nothing as serious as what's happening to you, but enough that I was nervous (non stop calls, texts implying he wanted to hurt himself etc) and when my parents found out they insisted I tell them every time there was an incident. At one stage they wanted me to swap phones with my older (and very large!) brother for a day so he could have words!

Seriously, you're going through something that is not your fault and is extremely stressful. They would want to know about it.

sopretty

This guys behaviour is escalating. I really hope guards help

freshpopcorn

Go to the Gardai OP. The accomdation people won't like having them sniffing around the place so it might make them act and help you out a bit more.
Also, you might have to be convising to the gardai about the issue and that its really effecting you because without hard core evedience/the guy admitting he's wrong there is little they can do to him. You'd have the whole thing written down with them though. Also a scare from the gardai migh make this guy back down.

sopretty

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Go to the Gardai OP. The accomdation people won't like having them sniffing around the place so it might make them act and help you out a bit more.
Also, you might have to be convising to the gardai about the issue and that its really effecting you because without hard core evedience/the guy admitting he's wrong there is little they can do to him. You'd have the whole thing written down with them though. Also a scare from the gardai migh make this guy back down.

I thought they introduced stalking legislation a few yrs back? Sharon ni bheolain is going through similar.

Call me Al

Please talk with your family.

As a parent I would hate to think either of my children would be experiencing something as frightening as this and just didn't want to bother us. our job as parents is to protect them from harm and that doesn't just stop when they reach 18.

Then go to the gardai. Your parents may even want to go with you,but ultimately that's your choice.

Neyite

I echo what the others say about telling your parents. In my twenties, I went through a tough time and never told them. My mother was really hurt and felt I didn't trust her, when really, I didn't want to worry her. over 15 years later I still hear her going on about it.

The next time I needed her, she was amazing.

Yes they will be concerned, and yes they might rip that Admin woman a new one . But they will listen to your fears, and your thoughts and remind you of the strengths that they know you have in you when you need it most.

I'm reading a thread on another forum at the moment asking "have you ever unwittingly known or socialised with a psychopath?", and its pretty scary the stories that are being told of meeting/ dating people that just seemed "off" and some years later they are in the news for a horrendous rape/assault/ murder and the poster realises how close they came to danger.

So make a big fuss, and dont be fobbed off. This is what will keep you safe.

ahnow

Hi OP, just wanted to tell you, we actually just covered this in college yesterday, once you report the harassment to your university, and they don't take the appropriate action, they are legally responsible for the consequences. Dont let this drop. Get all the help you can.

cloudatlas

I would go to the 'Welfare Officer' in the students union after going to the Gardai. The head of accommodation shouldn't be allowed to get away with such poor handling of the situation, you have evidence and witnesses after all. They have put you in jeopardy by refusing to remove him.

Some other poor girl could get the same shoddy treatment the next time. In addition to this it sounds like the stalker needs serious professional help, her attitude is helping nobody.

Est28

Glad to hear the OP will go to the guards.

One serious part of my situation was that whatever the girl was doing to me, she was essentially denying everything and then going and telling people that I was doing to her... all the things she was doing to me.

So the earlier you get your spoke in about it, the better. Before he even has a chance to go on the defensive, make sure people know and if friends and parents know too then you have full backing.

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, OP here again,

I went to the Gardaí yesterday morning with my friend (who had witnessed the cutting incident) and filed a complaint against him. I had everything written down in a timeline, even small things and gave them all the physical evidence that I had kept. They said if he denied everything when speaking to the college accommodation officer, he would probably do it again but they said in most cases when they give the perpetrator a warning, they stop. They said to keep a note if anything else does happen. The female garda advised me to move out of the accommodation, that in this case I could get my money back and they would step in if there was any trouble with that. There were other little things but it was a bit of a blur. They were very good I must say and handled the situation a lot better.

I'm going to tell my parents tonight when I'm home for the weekend. I don't know why but I feel kind of ashamed of myself. I know I haven't done anything wrong and I'm not sorry for him or anything, he's probably unwell, but the entire situation makes me feel sick to my stomach. With my friends I told them/ or they witnessed the events as it went along and with the Gardaí the environment was very formal and it was just easier to distance myself from the situation. Telling my parents makes me feel weird though, ashamed as I described it before. I always seem to attract weird people. The entire situation reminds me of an incident when I was quite young. A middle aged couple started renting a house beside my Grandad's, he would mind me for a couple of hours after school. The guy next door used to have a dog and I was allowed go into their garden and play with it. He invited me in one really hot day around April for a drink. Then he asked me did I want to watch the TV and I said yeah. He put me on his lap and started stroking my hair and I started to get uncomfortable. I went to move from his lap but his grip tightened on me. Then the front door banged and he pushed me off and I fell onto the ground grazing my knees on the carpet. His wife came in and she gave me this horrible look as if I had done something wrong and barked at him why I was there and he started stumbling over his words. I just walked out and ran back into my Grandad's house. I was going to tell him but I was really frightened and again, really ashamed of myself. The next day I didn't go outside into the back yard. The shop was only two minutes up the road so my Grandad brought me into buy some sweets to cheer me up, when we were inside he got talking to a friend and I was looking at the magazines when the guy next door approached me. My Grandad had his backed turned to me so he didn't notice, I was really frightened. He was nice at first but still looked worried, he asked me had I said anything and I shook my head and he said I was better off not doing that. If I told my parents they would be angry at my Grandad for not looking after me properly and I wouldn't be allowed stay at his anymore. He patted me on the head and walked out. They moved a few of weeks after the incident but I never told anyone that because of the way he made me feel. And I have the same feelings surfacing again. Other stuff like some old guy followed me around a shop for ages when I was 13 and me and my sister ran all the way back home. Just stuff that unsettles me really.

Sorry, I know that hasn't anything really to do with the situation now and everybody has been so helpful already (much appreciated), but how will I approach the situation with my parents? Tell one first to settle the nerves and then the next one? Certain parts of the story I would find difficult saying to them.

Neyite

Tell both of them together. Start with the fact that you have had to make a complaint to the gardai regarding a flatmate and that they need to be aware of the details. Then tell them, letting them process it in their own time.

What happened when you were young will resurface, as its previous un-dealt with trauma - its similar feelings of fear that you experienced now and then, but you didnt have the adult knowledge or language to explain then why it made you uncomfortable or scared. Kids dont have words for those things. Now you do, so you go back in your mind to make sense of it. So, when you are thinking about it, identify those feelings and name them - it will help.

Can you access counselling in college? I think it might be worthwhile to help you process all that is going on right now.

Lisha

Op everyone else Here has given you excellent advice. You have coped wonderfully by calmly and with help of friends asking for Garda help.
I can't add anything but I just wanted to reach out and wish you luck.
That memory that has resurfaced needs to be dealt with . Be glad you had a lucky escape but the fear and the later realisation if the danger you were in will take its toll.
Talk to your gp or college and they should be able yo recommend a good counsellor.
I wish you well op

Merkin

You've no reason to be ashamed OP, in fact I think you've been remarkable, very brave and dignified in the manner in which you have dealt with all of this. How you are feeling is a natural reaction to an unnatural situation however so please don't be hard on yourself.

You have done the right thing. Bullies and predators (like your Grandad's neighbor) are depending on the people they prey on to keep their silence and you m'dear are standing up to him - well done!!

Your parents love you, they'll be glad you told them. If there is a hint of trouble from him again, get straight back on to the cops. I hope this is the last you hear from him and I hope you are ok xx

hfallada

One thing I can't understand is why in student accommodation that they are mixed. In trinity halls for TCD students none of the dozens of apartments are mixed. My parents are landlords and I can't think of any time his college students were mixed out of choice. Girls even in there thirties still want accommodation with other girls.

OP I seriously don't buy they can't refund your money. If you life is in danger how can they can continue to expect you to live there? Im sure if you threatened verbally one of the security guards you would be gone in the morning. But you are constantly harassed by someone in your own apartment and they expect you to get on with it.

The accommodation officer sounds like she doesnt know the seriousness of the situation or simply chooses to ignore it. Get your tutor involved. Her/his job is to make your college experience pleasant. I think your tutor is probably your best opinion. I would also tell your parents. Because I imagine you will eventually tell them.

But honestly op I don't know how you expect to do well in college if you have to look over your shoulder constantly. You have years of college left and the problem isn't going to go away on its own.

December2012

Well done OP.

I'm guessing that you are being reminded of the childhood incident because the groomer used manipulation and fear to stop himself getting into trouble and keep his access to you from his end.

Your stalker has used the same tactics here.

But you're not a child any more, and you spoke up this time.

When we are in a position that we experienced in the past our memories an come flooding back as if we are re experiencing that situation again.

I suggest that you start off by telling your parents all about the stalking and harassment.

Maybe print out your post or a list so you can keep all the information out to tell them.

They will want to help you.

But they will also want to know why you didn't tell them, and their fear for you and shock at getting the news may make them sound as if they are angry at you for not telling them.

They're not - they're angry at themselves for not making sure you could tell them anything. (Although I don't suggest you say this to them!). But bear it in mind.

Then tell them why you felt ashamed and couldn't tell them - because of the childhood experience you had.

Deep breaths and take comfort in the fact that the more you tell people, the more you'll be protected.

Big Bag of Chips

You can tell your parents what you are comfortable telling them. You don't have to go into specific details if you don't want to. As Neyite suggests you can tell them you've had to make a complaint to the Gardaí and give them the rough details. You might find the more you tell them, the easier it will become to tell them more.

Of course you feel embarrassed. Of course you feel some sort of shame, even though you know you have done nothing wrong. That is completely natural, and is why so many people keep quiet when something bad happens them.

For now you are telling your parents so that you have their support in helping you deal with your accommodation. So, if you don't want to, you don't have to go into too much detail. But having them know will ease the pressure on you.

Good luck, now that more people know and are on your side it will make you feel more in control, and safer.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. Yeah there's a college counsellor there alright. I definitely will look into it. Thanks again.

@hfallada: Taken directly from the accommodation website: (College Name Removed) Campus Accommodation apartments consist of 3, 4 and 5 bedroom apartments. We endeavour to put first year students together similar to putting second, third and fourth year students together. We try to mix apartments equally between males and females.

There were only a few apartments which were all male or all female. Anyway, I lived with two guys and a girl last year and it was no bother. Same with a lot of my siblings and friends in other colleges, they've all lived in mixed accommodation so I don't understand why you find it so strange.

In the terms and conditions, which I signed at the beginning of the year, it stated that unless I found someone to fill my room I would not be given back my money. As a good few people have dropped out as it is, there's still a few rooms to be filled so if I left I'd forfeit the money but because of the circumstances I will be looking to get that money back to move to safer accommodation which I see as my right, especially if they can't get rid of him.

Merkin

Yes, mixed accommodation is the norm in all university accommodation. Where I attended Uni, single sex accommodation was normally favoured by Muslims where gender segregation is a requirement but otherwise mixed.

Tokyo

hatful_of_hollow wrote: »

In the terms and conditions, which I signed at the beginning of the year, it stated that unless I found someone to fill my room I would not be given back my money. As a good few people have dropped out as it is, there's still a few rooms to be filled so if I left I'd forfeit the money but because of the circumstances I will be looking to get that money back to move to safer accommodation which I see as my right, especially if they can't get rid of him.

Absolutely. That would apply more to changes of heart or disgruntles housemates, not a girl who is finding herself stalked and assaulted by her housemate. There isn't an accommodation clause in the world that states that you have to stay in an unsafe environment. It would be a legal and PR disaster of the highest magnitude if, after this situation, you weren't refunded the remainder of your money. Again, to reenforce what everyone else has been saying, this is where letting a parent know is advantageous. The accommodation office might jump up and take notice a lot quicker if a parent is looking across their desk, rather than a student.

CaraMay

Well done op. I know it's early days yet and you are coping amazingly but it may be a good idea to do some counselling to help you put the childhood incident and this flat mate incident behind you?

The Red Shoes

hatful_of_hollow wrote: »

In the terms and conditions, which I signed at the beginning of the year, it stated that unless I found someone to fill my room I would not be given back my money. As a good few people have dropped out as it is, there's still a few rooms to be filled so if I left I'd forfeit the money but because of the circumstances I will be looking to get that money back to move to safer accommodation which I see as my right, especially if they can't get rid of him.

Absolutely. I lived in Res as a mature student a few years ago and one of my flatmates was a pig. When he'd have friends over the walks would be covered in beer and furniture overturned. Eventually he broke the front door and hallway glass after a fight with his girlfriend. NOTHING close to the same scale as your story and we (3 of his flatmates) all moved out at Christmas and got full refunds. There are absolutely no grounds for them withholding your deposit. I think it's best to approach them as if it's a formality.

I am so, so sorry you've had to experience this OP. I think you're handling things so bravely and maturely. I have no doubt your parents will be proud to have raised you so well when you tell them x

LegacyUser

hatful_of_hollow wrote: »

In the terms and conditions, which I signed at the beginning of the year, it stated that unless I found someone to fill my room I would not be given back my money. As a good few people have dropped out as it is, there's still a few rooms to be filled so if I left I'd forfeit the money but because of the circumstances I will be looking to get that money back to move to safer accommodation which I see as my right, especially if they can't get rid of him.

OP terms and conditions go both ways - the college needs to provide you with a safe living environment which they've failed to do. You tired resolving the issue by speaking to him, that didn't work, you tired moving to a different apartment, that didn't work, you've done enough to try and resolve the issue. Proof you've brought the issue to both the college, even if the housing officer failed horribly in doing their job, and the Gardai's attnetion is enough proof for you to move and get your money back.