How long did it take you to get over a bad breakup?

Shelga

Hello ladies 2 weeks into a bad breakup and have been thinking, what was your worst breakup and how long did it take you to get over it?

Over it meaning you don't compare every guy (or girl!) you meet to him (or her), you properly fancy other people again, you don't think about him all the time, you stop being so apathetic to life :P

And does it get easier or harder the older you get? I'm 26 and this is the first time my heart has been smashed to smithereens We were only together properly for 1.5 years but ouch, it hurts bad. How do you distract yourself and move on?

Let the inspirational stories begin! :cool:

Addle

Any day now!

I believe that you really can't get over someone fully until you move on to someone else.

Time is a great healer.

gg2

We ended up getting back together, but for the time we were apart it was incredibly difficult, mainly as I didn't believe the relationship was over.... Long long story..... Anyway the only thing that I felt was any good for me was trying my best to get on with life, not dwelling on it and being really really good to myself (a lot of pampering and working on myself and my confidence)... I did meet other fella's while we were apart, but my heart just wasn't in it. They weren't under any illusions though either. Just look after yourself and it will get easier

Emme

Addle wrote: »

Any day now!

I believe that you really can't get over someone fully until you move on to someone else.

Time is a great healer.

That's all very fine and dandy but lots of women end relationships and never meet anyone else. This is particularly true for older women who have been dumped. However, it is a lot harder for older women to get over a bad breakup than for younger women.

All you can do is take up a new hobby or immerse yourself in a fitness routine, that worked for me in the past but nothing works now.

Xxhaylsxx

My long term relationship (5 years) ended in early December. At first it was extremely difficult I could not get him off my mind and was feeling down constantly. Xmas was especially hard.

But I did eventually get up and dust myself early January. I have immersed myself in healthy eating, fitness and meeting friends and I feel better than ever. I have a much brighter outlook now. And if I do think of my ex it doesnt hurt my heart so much. I know I am getting there.

For me jumping into another relationship wont work as it would only be hiding the heartache. I am sure I will find someone eventually but right now I am just more than happy concentrating on me and making me feel happier and more confident.

Its true time heals all wounds (well most anyway!) It will get easier!

seosamh1980

Took me two years to get over my worst break up. First love, together from 13 to 18. Spent the first year traumatised, kissing lots of guys, dated a few, slept with a few, nobody compared to him. Months 12-18 were spent mostly single, accepting it was over for definite. Months 18-24 I was in a much better place, didn't compare anyone to him, didn't think of him "in that way" any more (began looking on it all fondly), 26 months later I met my next boyfriend. Within 3 years I was good friends with the first ex again, and we have been ever since.

The second guy, the one that was a more serious relationship, more likely heading towards forever (shudders at the thought now), was going down the pan for 4-5 months at the end, I met my now husband 6 weeks after it properly ended

Babooshka

Emme wrote: »

That's all very fine and dandy but lots of women end relationships and never meet anyone else. This is particularly true for older women who have been dumped. However, it is a lot harder for older women to get over a bad breakup than for younger women.

All you can do is take up a new hobby or immerse yourself in a fitness routine, that worked for me in the past but nothing works now.

No offence to you, but the advice like "quick, quick, take up a hobby, get out quick and meet new people before you turn into an old spinster, quickkkkk!!" (although you may not mean it to sound like that) is something that, yep, while it might work short term and even get you into another relationship quicker, doesn't actually solve the issue. The issue being heartbreak. It's ok to sit with the heartbreak for a while, it's ok to feel like utter crap for a while, you won't die from it and your heart will mend.

The fitness thing is a good idea just to keep you on an even keel, I used to walk miles while crying and listening to music and it helped. It takes as long as it takes, a different length of time for everyone. They (I dunno who I read it somewhere or saw it on a crap film or something!) say there's a rule that it takes about a third of the length of time you were with someone to get over them, i don't know how true that is, except that i was with someone for 8 yrs, split up with him and it took me about 2 years to fully get over it, which is 25% of the time, so maybe its close, I dunno, just that it does eventually get better.

26 is also not old...just saying

Emme

Babooshka wrote: »

No offence to you, but the advice like "quick, quick, take up a hobby, get out quick and meet new people before you turn into an old spinster, quickkkkk!!" (although you may not mean it to sound like that) is something that, yep, while it might work short term and even get you into another relationship quicker, doesn't actually solve the issue. The issue being heartbreak. It's ok to sit with the heartbreak for a while, it's ok to feel like utter crap for a while, you won't die from it and your heart will mend.

The fitness thing is a good idea just to keep you on an even keel, I used to walk miles while crying and listening to music and it helped. It takes as long as it takes, a different length of time for everyone. They (I dunno who I read it somewhere or saw it on a crap film or something!) say there's a rule that it takes about a third of the length of time you were with someone to get over them, i don't know how true that is, except that i was with someone for 8 yrs, split up with him and it took me about 2 years to fully get over it, which is 25% of the time, so maybe its close, I dunno, just that it does eventually get better.

26 is also not old...just saying

I wasn't referring to 26 year olds in particular. It might be hard for the OP now but she has a good chance of meeting someone else if she's 26. I still think she should look after herself and take up some hobbies. What's the point of getting into a rut, eating Haagen Dazs and getting fat over someone who isn't worth it?

When I said break-ups are harder for women the older they get I was trying to put break-ups in perspective. At 28 I ended a 2 year relationship and it seemed like the end of the world but I recovered and met somebody else in a little over a year. I split up with him in my early 30s and that was much harder than the break up I had at 28. I'm in my early 40s now and haven't had a relationship longer than a year since then because I haven't been able to meet somebody who wants a relationship.

When a woman is younger there's always the chance of finding another relationship no matter how bad the break-up, when she's older that option isn't there.

Babooshka

Emme wrote: »

I wasn't referring to 26 year olds in particular. It might be hard for the OP now but she has a good chance of meeting someone else if she's 26. I still think she should look after herself and take up some hobbies. What's the point of getting into a rut, eating Haagen Dazs and getting fat over someone who isn't worth it?

.....

When a woman is younger there's always the chance of finding another relationship no matter how bad the break-up, when she's older that option isn't there.

True, but it isn't about getting fat over someone who isn't worth it, it's about healing your own heart, for yourself, in whatever way that is authentic to yourself. I don't disagree with you about the taking up hobbies bit, it's a good idea to move onto after the initial sad time, the OP is only 2 weeks in. I just meant that it's the cure all that everyone throws around at someone who's heart broken, and that sometimes it's ok for just a little while to go down into the dumps and feel the pain because it actually serves a purpose, before shaking ones self down and moving on.

Your last comment is of your personal experience, but you don't know that, you're still living, you could meet someone tomorrow...so there's options, may seem like less but there's options.

Tyrone Shoes

Shelga wrote: »

Hello ladies 2 weeks into a bad breakup and have been thinking, what was your worst breakup and how long did it take you to get over it?

Over it meaning you don't compare every guy (or girl!) you meet to him (or her), you properly fancy other people again, you don't think about him all the time, you stop being so apathetic to life :P

And does it get easier or harder the older you get? I'm 26 and this is the first time my heart has been smashed to smithereens We were only together properly for 1.5 years but ouch, it hurts bad. How do you distract yourself and move on?



Let the inspirational stories begin! :cool:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" (by Elananor Roosevelt).
It's always yourself that you need to patch back together, mend your dignity after you finally sever that bond which was infected and making your soul suffer. My distraction was surrounding myself with art, nature and family and people who I know love me. The fault you can attach to yourself or the other but if there's something to be learned then keep that nugget and disregard the rest. Always keep your heart open for love don't compare. All easier said than done but the worst I had was the last and I'm into my 40's. I think it was the worse for my ego but for the heart the worst is always the first time (the first cut is the deepest)
I was physically & emotionally abused gradually over many years it took me 7 months before I felt healed and ready to release all the negativity in order to be receptive to a new beginning with somebody new. There's always going to be alarm bells but that much is a suitable survival instinct which has lead me towards a healthier choice in relationships.

fallen01angel

Went through the worst breakup of my life over 2 and a half years ago,to my shame I'm still not over it,but I know that's because we still work together so I have to see him everyday.....and his carry on is a slap in the face.But now at least I know I made the right decision and life is so much better with him not being it!!

fallen01angel

fallen01angel wrote: »

Went through the worst breakup of my life over 2 and a half years ago,to my shame I'm still not over it,but I know that's because we still work together so I have to see him everyday.....and his carry on is a slap in the face.But now at least I know I made the right decision and life is so much better with him not being it!!

If you can see that, you're probably more over him than you think. It's got to be harder when you see them all the time though.

Legs.Eleven

Emme wrote: »

When a woman is younger there's always the chance of finding another relationship no matter how bad the break-up, when she's older that option isn't there.

There is a chance. Course there's a chance!

Lucyfur

Emme wrote: »

When a woman is younger there's always the chance of finding another relationship no matter how bad the break-up, when she's older that option isn't there.

My mum had a shockingly bad marriage. It took her a loooong time to recover. Then she had another relationship and while it was fine, it wasn't going to go anywhere.

Now, at the ripe old age of 62, she has fallen in love. They are like a pair of teenagers and she has a constant spring in her step

pow wow

Over 12 months I'd say and strangely I only felt totally over him when he got married. He rarely crosses my mind now, nor has he since he got married. I guess he stopped being the 'what if' because he made a permanent choice, and it wasn't me

beks101

Addle wrote: »

Any day now!

I believe that you really can't get over someone fully until you move on to someone else.

Time is a great healer.

Nah I've done it. The ex turned me right off men as a species for a while and I still managed to get over him Just sort of started to care less and less, think about him less and less to the point where my brain just didn't have room for him anymore. It can be done, but not overnight

ash23

My first long term relationship of 6 years ended and I was fairly distraught. I know I stopped thinking about him every day by about 6 months later but I was still nowhere near getting into another relationship although I did have a few flings for distraction. I focussed on friends and family and my social life.

After about 3 years I felt ready to get into a serious relationship and almost 4 years after the breakup I met someone and got into my first proper relationship since the breakup.
That ended after a year and within 7 months I was in another relationship.

So it depends on the relationship, the length of it, how it ended (6 year one ended with lies, cheating and anger - the next one ended amicably).

JumpShivers

I've been wanting to post here for a while, stupid feelings kept getting the better of me...

It took me about 18 months. Every single day I pined for him, wanted him, whatever. I still remember how I felt when he ended it, how raw it felt, the subsequent days after, that summer, that year. It's hard to believe that it's nearly been three years since it finished. Not because Oh, I miss him and it has been that long, but Oh, it's been three years since I was destroyed emotionally, but yet, I somehow pulled myself through it.

I'm not sure how I did, though. I briefly saw people that summer and after, but nothing ever serious. I found it hard to forget things, I still remember telling him to never get his heart broken after we had broken up.. Just small stuff that would destroy me if I knew he was heartbroken by another girl, himself. He was my absolute best friend and genuinely, I do not know what did happen between us, other than him finishing it without a reason. I don't want to know the reason, to be honest. I think the fact that our whole friendship was destroyed, rather than the relationship, is what broke me. We were friends before a relationship, throughout and then, it was all broken down to not having spoken in months, or not seeing eachother in 2.5 years.



I rambled a bit :pac: but it did help me to think about things. I find it hard to talk about. I am in a relationship at the moment that I'm happy with, and I wouldn't change it. If I had to go through that amount of heartbreak though, again.. :pac:

emmabrighton

JumpShivers wrote: »

I've been wanting to post here for a while, stupid feelings kept getting the better of me...

It took me about 18 months. Every single day I pined for him, wanted him, whatever. I still remember how I felt when he ended it, how raw it felt, the subsequent days after, that summer, that year. It's hard to believe that it's nearly been three years since it finished. Not because Oh, I miss him and it has been that long, but Oh, it's been three years since I was destroyed emotionally, but yet, I somehow pulled myself through it.

I'm not sure how I did, though. I briefly saw people that summer and after, but nothing ever serious. I found it hard to forget things, I still remember telling him to never get his heart broken after we had broken up.. Just small stuff that would destroy me if I knew he was heartbroken by another girl, himself. He was my absolute best friend and genuinely, I do not know what did happen between us, other than him finishing it without a reason. I don't want to know the reason, to be honest. I think the fact that our whole friendship was destroyed, rather than the relationship, is what broke me. We were friends before a relationship, throughout and then, it was all broken down to not having spoken in months, or not seeing eachother in 2.5 years.



I rambled a bit :pac: but it did help me to think about things. I find it hard to talk about. I am in a relationship at the moment that I'm happy with, and I wouldn't change it. If I had to go through that amount of heartbreak though, again.. :pac:

My breakup was the same. Years ago now. The hardest part of the break up - was the destruction of our friendship - once I knew it was over with no chance of recovery it took about 3 years to really feel like I wasn't missing something.

I remember wishing that we never started going out because of the heart wrenching loss of our friendship. I remember sobbing so much I couldn't breathe. I remember not eating and never feeling hungry. I remember not being able to sleep. I remembering living with hope that I would receive a text from him that day. I remember living for the day I would see him - once every two weeks. I remember trying to stay awake when he was in the bed beside me because I knew when morning came he would be gone again and I would be empty.

I remember dating other people just to prove to him that I had moved on - even though I really hadn't. I remember going out doing new stuff - just so he could see I was fun and he might decide I was worth taking back. I remember every desperate attempt I made to prove to him that I was good enough to be with. I was 23. It crushed me. I kept myself in a terrible limbo for 2 years after the breakup because I couldn't let go. I remember the night before he was leaving to go to Australia for the year, we sat together and cried.

I have no idea why he cried. I know he loved me but he was choosing to leave me, he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. We were the only connection that existed between us. If he let go, we would never come back together. It is not like my friends were his friends. I cried because I knew this spelled the end, I suppose that is why he cried too. He missed me in Oz but not enough to make things work and by the time he came home I had moved in with someone else. Stupid, I know. I wanted to show him that I had lived when he was away. I was angry at him and there was no way back.

Thinking back we were only really together as a couple for 3 years. The last year was a slow decline. We were friends for two years before and friends with benefits for 2-3 years after the breakup.

So my mourning lasted longer than the relationship but I count the years before when I had met my best friend and my soul mate and the pathetic shadow I had become after the breakup too...

So thats 2 years as friends, 3 years together, 2 years as friends with benefits, 1 year with him in oz with chance of relationship after and then 3 years to pat myself down before moving on.


I can honestly say that I only really began to heal a year or so after we stopped texting or talking. That is five years ago now.

GreenerGrasss

When my bf broke up with me, I was extremely distraught and heartbroken despite only being together a short time. I followed the advice of close friends and cut all ties, wiped him off social networks. It was still very hard to move on. I often self sabotaged the process by checking up on him on FB o-0

A couple of months later, I started going on casual dinner dates but nothing came of it. Then a month after, we got back together. I had to forgive him and myself for mistakes made by the both of us to be able to move forward in the relationship. It can take months or years but eventually life goes on.

silly

I got over all my ex's and crushes when I met my now husband. Then he broke my heart - more so that i ever thought possible. I lost 2 stone in 2 weeks, I was like a bloody zombie - turns out he wasnt doing so great either and we got back together, got married and had a child. We are very happy now. But I do wonder - how long would I have been zombiefied without him. Surely I would have got over it eventually. I certainly couldnt go on as I was. My sister brought me to the cinema. I just shivered through the whole thing, it was horrible, it was too soon for me to "take my mind off him". I needed to grieve.
I hope you are doing ok OP. Its a tough time, but you will be fine.

we'llallhavetea

i've never actually gone through a break up where there wasnt a great sense of relief at the end. i know how to pick em!

Dark Phoenix

god Emmabrighton your post the first bits it just sums me up right now. Ive just broken up with my partner and best friend after 9 years together and being friends for a year before that.
I literally cracked the other day ive never cried so much my heart literally hurt , i couldnt breathe. I beged him to stay, begged him to try fix things, to let me change. He just didnt want to know.
Right now I just feel numb and lost and lonely. I feel like no one else will ever want me. I feel like im gonna just grow up to be a crazy cat lady because the person i thought id grow old with doesnt want me anymore.
what I am most scared of is that it hasnt fully hit me yet because i feel eerily calm and still now (unless my mother is drugging my tea with valium). I cried myself hoarse for two days and couldnt even eat. Im still yet to leave the house or face the outside world but im terrified that there is some big second wave of grief to come where this all hits me. He was the first person i'd ring when i was happy or sad or scared or something happened. he was my first thought in the morning and last thought at night

emmabrighton

Hi DarkPhoenix

And right this minute you know exactly where he is, what he is doing and for how long... because you lived inside each others heads and hearts. You know his timetable better than you know your own.

I am sorry you are going through this. I really am. Remember it takes time to get over this loss. It is a bereavement. You are in shock and you are grieving. It is really like someone just died, well it was for me. Surround yourself with people who love you - your mom will be great for starters. Remember if it all becomes to much to cope with... go to your GP.

Dark Phoenix wrote: »

He was the first person i'd ring when i was happy or sad or scared or something happened. he was my first thought in the morning and last thought at night

Me too, but try not to ring him now telling him how sad you feel because he is the only person who really "understands you"... because it will just hurt you more in the long run. He might even listen and tell you it will all be ok. My ex did, but I took that to mean - "This is a phase and we will get back together" and not "You will get over it and move on". Use your mom as a sounding board, your siblings and your friends cos thats what they are there for. You can repay the favour down the line.

And just on a happier note. I met someone else who is courageous, honest and caring and we now have a beautiful son who I never want to be without and who makes me so happy every day that my heart could burst with joy.

Dark Phoenix

thank you for taking the time to reply it means a lot. I havent contacted him since he left and Im refusing to let myself even go there. My mum will remove the phone from me anyway! Im sure as time goes on I will want to but I need to be strong and to realise thats not going to help me. Thankfully he hates social media so i wont be tortured by seeing pics of him online etc.

ive at least learned this week that I havent lost my friends thank god for that. And my family are amazing.

Shelga

Wow, interesting stories. It's good to hear of other ladies who've experienced this pain, and have come out the other side.

I'm doing better than I was a few weeks ago, although it's still really hard. I'm trying to focus my energies on what I want to achieve this year in terms of work and living situation- I think it's easy to hide behind a relationship to avoid dealing with other aspects of life that you maybe don't find so fulfilling

Do we really 'need' someone else to make us happy? Personally, I don't think I would ever be truly happy and content long-term without a partner in my life. Does that make me a failure who is lacking in independence, or is a life partner just a fundamental need that most of us have? And round and round the questions go in my head...

DarkPhoenix I hope you are feeling a bit better. Hug!

lost22

New user to boards and my first post.. last monday my now ex bf called into house and bang knocked me for 6.. `I want to talk about us' he said. And that was it... hit a rough patch last october but things were back on track and we were getting on brilliantly... I didn't see this coming to be honest. Now I'm here on my own ( I moved here to be with him) all my friends are his friends which is awkward plus they haven't been in contact since they heard. Which says alot really I s' pose. He's calling sunday to collect his stuff (6yrs worth) Such a horrible feeling of loneliness but more over heartbreak.

sunshine and showers

I just listened to Taylor Swift's Red without thinking about my ex in a sad way. BOOM! Took me months, but I'm definitely over him. I have been for a bit, but this is like an official seal!

It's horrible. It feels like it'll never ever get better. But it really does. Hang on in there. x


Edit: Yes, I listen to Taylor. I am a cliche, but I love her. She knows all the feelings!

deelite

Bad breqk up 20ish years ago - before mobiles, emails, Facebook etc., and I thought I'd never get over him.. not sure how long it took. I didn't know I was over him until he asked me to get back together about six months after the split (no I didn't - even though I was tempted). On the flip side I can't listen to Jon Secanda "Just Another Day" even now...too many painful memories.

lost22

Thx sas... it's a horrible situation. Can't even listen to the radio in case I'll be in floods. Thank u for the positivity though.

sunshine and showers wrote: »

I just listened to Taylor Swift's Red without thinking about my ex in a sad way. BOOM! Took me months, but I'm definitely over him. I have been for a bit, but this is like an official seal!

It's horrible. It feels like it'll never ever get better. But it really does. Hang on in there. x


Edit: Yes, I listen to Taylor. I am a cliche, but I love her. She knows all the feelings!

CaliforniaDream

I've just come out of a 10 year relationship and Im heartbroken. I didn't want this and would love to get back together.
We've been texting everyday and doing stuff together. It's been a lot of fun but tonight i realised I'll never get over him if we keep doing it. I'm clinging onto hope we'll get back together.
It's hard because we don't have family or many friends here because we emigrated together so we really rely on each other.

I want to be with him so much but I know it's time to let go. I can't imagine not feeling like this but I know eventually I will.

It sucks to love someone who doesn't love you.

Aidric

CaliforniaDream wrote: »

It's hard because we don't have family or many friends here because we emigrated together so we really rely on each other.

I was in a similar situation with my ex-girlfriend. We broke up after 5 years together. She is Czech and was in Ireland for the first 4 years of our relationship. We then moved to Prague and split up one year later. I can relate to the feeling of complete isolation given that all my closest friends and family were all back home and telephone conversations don't quite cut it in situations like this.

The immediate aftermath of the break up was extremely trying and isolating. After 5 years you have built up dreams and ambitions for the future, marriage, kids and all the rest. Then suddenly it's ripped from you at a moments notice. That adjustment takes a lot of time, for me it took a year. I dated many girls in the intervening period but the whole exercise was empty. I was also in the situation of living in the apartment we shared after she moved out. That meant the connection was never quite broke.

Thankfully I got a transfer in my job to another country and it was a big step in the healing process. It's almost impossible to let go fully after you have invested 5 years to a relationship. It is possible to move on though and time alone will reveal that. A new relationship gives a different perspective and a form of closure.

x Purple Pawprints x

I've been keeping an eye on this thread and I just want to say that you're all so strong. Even those of you who have recently gone through a break-up, you're stronger than you think and you will get there.

Last night I had my "Eureka!" moment. I saw a photo of my ex on his sister's Facebook page and had a weird thought: "Oh I remember him..." Such a contrast. Last January I thought I couldn't live without him and that being on my own was the worst thing in the world, but look at me now. It was odd looking at him knowing he used to mean the world to me and now he means nothing. We were together for two years and we broke up just over a year ago, that's how long it took. It was completely out of the blue but I can see now, we never would have worked out.

midlandsmissus

I was broken up with two weeks ago. I hate that how you're supposed to act is the absolute opposite to how you do feel, i.e.you should look cool and strong and never contact them when in reality you're a mess.

I texted him a week later to ask him would he reconsider,(as it was a shock to me) he said he needs to be on his own at the moment. Of course now I feel stupid for texting him, but Im human maybe I should lighten up on myself.

I am blaming myself a lot too, did anyone self blame after the break up. I cant seem to stop blaming myself.

What sucks is how some-one can be the closest to you then they can turn so quickly and you can get absolute coldness and distance from the same person. It is a sad time

I'm going to try and focus on rebuilding myself.

Jaycro

It's different for everyone I suppose and no one can really compare how much they loved one person vs how much someone else loved another. I'm late 30's and had my first taste of real heartbreak 3 years ago. I did what a lot of others on here did, jumped into other relationships after a few months but in the back on my head I was killing time until I got back with my ex. Not fair at all on the girls I dated and it didn't turn out as I planned. It doesn't help that we work close to each other so can't really break that connection but it's amazing how the months can go by and you haven't moved on. I decided enough was enough late last year and went to counselling. The counsellor told me she feels it can take 5 years to get over a broken heart. It wasn't what I wanted to hear at all but being 3 years down the road and still not where I want to be in can relate. We can all put on he brave face in public and when talking to friends but I found it really difficult to truly believe the relationship was over in my heart.

Anyway, hope it doesn't take the OP that long but best of luck.

dellas1979

I think if a person meant a lot to you and you are the break-upee, it can certainly feel like very similar emotions to bereavement.

And most of us know, a breavement to a close one doesnt really go away, but it certainly can get easier.

I guess the fact of bereavement is that they are gone. And instantly you know you will not see them again. Might take a little time to process that.

While a break up, the person is still walking around and you can still harbour some (false) hope. The denial part can really stick sometimes.

I think thats why everyone advises that you cut all contact with a person when you are the break-upee. To give yourself a chance to break out of the denial part.

I broke up with my ex nearly 6 years ago. I had been living in his house and had moved to be there.

To be honest, it wasn't a bad break up, it was the right thing for both if us, and I did feel a certain amount of relief when it was over.
But, I did love him and it took me at least a year to feel anyway normal and back to myself.
It was 18 months before I even kissed another man.

But it was all for the best and the time it took to get over the relationship and get back to ' being me ' was honestly time well spent.
And that wasn't even a ' bad ' break up.

UnicornPuke!

The longest was probably close to a year, he was the first boy I loved and I held a torch for him even while seeing another boy. The worst thing is that due to family connections to his family he will always be in my life so I knew I couldn't keep pining after him.

With lots of songs and general socializing eventually my heart stopped aching and I felt better. I actually have a friendship with him now and things are fairly good.

You will be able to move on it just takes time.

Dark Phoenix

Dark Phoenix wrote: »

god Emmabrighton your post the first bits it just sums me up right now. Ive just broken up with my partner and best friend after 9 years together and being friends for a year before that.
I literally cracked the other day ive never cried so much my heart literally hurt , i couldnt breathe. I beged him to stay, begged him to try fix things, to let me change. He just didnt want to know.
Right now I just feel numb and lost and lonely. I feel like no one else will ever want me. I feel like im gonna just grow up to be a crazy cat lady because the person i thought id grow old with doesnt want me anymore.
what I am most scared of is that it hasnt fully hit me yet because i feel eerily calm and still now (unless my mother is drugging my tea with valium). I cried myself hoarse for two days and couldnt even eat. Im still yet to leave the house or face the outside world but im terrified that there is some big second wave of grief to come where this all hits me. He was the first person i'd ring when i was happy or sad or scared or something happened. he was my first thought in the morning and last thought at night

its been 7 hours and 16 days...... well actually no its been about 3 weeks or so. I am not great but I am still here. I spent a while in my parents, I let my mum feed me and taught her how to use the internet for productive things like looking up funny pictures of cats, I caught up with friends, I went back to work, I kept myself too busy and too tired to think about anything that happened. I was and still am very grateful for the advice and support on here.

I also above all else learned that my ex is an awful cold person. he has done things since he left that astounded me from emailing me a week after he left to sort out finances (like seriously I was bawling, he was checking what money he could have half of!?). His emails have a business like tone as if he is speaking to a colleague about a meeting. he came and collected all his stuff barely a week after he left. He left a week before the rent on our house was due, left me to pay the entire amount of rent myself on a weeks notice and then asked for half his rent deposit back!!. the reaction of my family and friends made me finally realise that he has issues and than as much as this sucked I am better off away from anyone who can behave like this. I have not texted or called him as I wouldnt give him the satisfaction. I replied to his emails in the same manner as he wrote them. I told him to take what he wanted. I refused to be drawn into any argument over money or posessions.

I still am worried that I will never find someone else as I mentally still dont think of myself as 'single' and it feels wrong to try and talk to guys, something I am always useless at anyway. To be honest I dont think I will ever be able to trust anyone else fully anyway, that damage is done.

Above all else I have learned I am stronger than I thought and that being independent is so valuable sometimes.

CaliforniaDream

Dark Phoenix wrote: »

I still am worried that I will never find someone else as I mentally still dont think of myself as 'single' and it feels wrong to try and talk to guys, something I am always useless at anyway. To be honest I dont think I will ever be able to trust anyone else fully anyway, that damage is done.

Above all else I have learned I am stronger than I thought and that being independent is so valuable sometimes.

It's been about 7 weeks since my relationship ended and I can't even think about someone else. I'm not letting myself get over it as I'm still holding onto the idea of us getting back together. I wish I could just ignore these feelings and work on moving on.
I'm not sure I'll trust anyone enough to commit again which sucks as I don't want to be alone. But I have a hard time letting people in as it is.

I have yet to learn that I am strong and can't see the good side of being alone yet. I do envy people that seem to take it in their stride.
I think I miss not having my friends around and I'm pretty much going through this alone. Would love to move back home at the moment.

Sauve

Seven weeks is such a short time, it really is. Five weeks after I came out of a long term relationship I went on a date, thought I was ready, over him, and ready to move on.
Looking back on that now, it's hilarious. It was more that I didn't know myself well enough to do that than not being over him because that happened very quickly.

Take your time, get back to being you, be comfortable being alone (can't stress this enough), flirt, snog, dance, concentrate on your friendships. There's so much to learn about you as an individual, rather than the you that was part of a couple

Chattastrophe!

I may be cruel, cold and heartless. But I was ready for dating as soon as I broke up with my then-fiance. Even though we'd been together for around seven years.

It kind of felt like there was no point in throwing away everything we had together just to become some sort of hermit.

So I made myself do it.

And only maybe six months afterwards, I met a really great guy (through Boards, as it happens!), and we're now together two years and have the most beautiful baby boy.

In my case I broke up with the guy, and it was coming a while, so I guess it was easier to move on.

beks101

Sauve wrote: »

Seven weeks is such a short time, it really is. Five weeks after I came out of a long term relationship I went on a date, thought I was ready, over him, and ready to move on.
Looking back on that now, it's hilarious. It was more that I didn't know myself well enough to do that than not being over him because that happened very quickly.

Oh this is so true and I see it all the time - people whose heads are spinning after the trauma and pain of a break-up and they take the textbook dating advice of "getting out there" well before their head is on the right way for it.

I remember doing it after getting my heart shattered to pieces maybe four weeks before. While on a night out with all my ex and I's mutual friends - himself showed up with the new girl I strongly suspected he was dating - PDA central all night (insensitive fcuktard that he was) - and in forcefully turning my head in the other direction, I happened upon a lovely guy who I spent the night chatting with.

At that stage with the breakup and then this sudden ex-and-his-new-bird encounter I could barely have told you my own name for the post-trauma of it all, but I tried to put my best foot forward with this new guy, went on a few dates, responded to the text messages and phone calls, let him kiss me, hold my hand yada yada til I got to the stage where it was just "NO. CAN'T DO IT" and I had a complete emotional breakdown.

It was a tough lesson to learn, and I regret the hurt that my actions inflicted on this lovely, sweet guy who really just came along at the worst possible time. But it taught me to listen to myself and not try to auto-pilot my way passed emotional pain out of fear, or anger, or pride, or loneliness, or "I'll show the b@stard" or whatever it is that makes us jump head-first into situations that we're not at all ready for.

I see it happen all around me all the time too - Lord knows I've dated my share of stuck-on-their-exes men, and I've seen so many friends get messed around by them (both men and women) too.

Addle

You seem to have no problems getting dates!
You're so lucky.
It's difficult to move on when you've no one to move on to.

Sauve

Addle wrote: »

You seem to have no problems getting dates!
You're so lucky.
It's difficult to move on when you've no one to move on to.

It's not luck at all, and sometimes I wish it was that easy!
I make the first move with at least half of the guys I've been on dates with, if not more. I mightn't always ask them out, but I'll be sure and let them know I like them.
Life is too short not to, tbh

lost22

I think I'm going thru hell... posted here a month ago about bf calling it off after 6 yrs! He came to collect his stuff (but didnt) we talked alot and decided to give it a go.... I don't believe this.... came off night duty this morning and he rang to say he was calling in (normal enough) and bang again... he loves me BUT can't see a future for us.... totally thrown again... the last few wks have been great together(the best ever) can't understand how he can go from lying in bed telling me he loves me and how he doesn't want
a future without me to saying this this morning.

I don't know what to think... I really am totally shocked

gg2

lost22 wrote: »

I think I'm going thru hell... posted here a month ago about bf calling it off after 6 yrs! He came to collect his stuff (but didnt) we talked alot and decided to give it a go.... I don't believe this.... came off night duty this morning and he rang to say he was calling in (normal enough) and bang again... he loves me BUT can't see a future for us.... totally thrown again... the last few wks have been great together(the best ever) can't understand how he can go from lying in bed telling me he loves me and how he doesn't want
a future without me to saying this this morning.

I don't know what to think... I really am totally shocked

I really don't know what to say to you, I still have that fear in me that my OH will do this again. I love him and trust him, but he suffers a bit from his nerves and can sometimes take things out on the relationship. The main thing is I believe in us, BUT if were to do it again, I would be gone, you cannot be played like that. Please just find the strength from somewhere and let him go. He lost you once, he should know right now whether he wants to loose you again.

TerrorFirmer

I was going out with a girl for over a year - and I know a year seems like a short time, but I had been brilliant friends with her for several years prior and we have a lot of history - dating her was one of the best thing to ever happen me. She dumped me a few weeks ago totally out of the blue, as in literally a day after she'd stayed over and everything seemed perfect. Still feeling totally lost, have these constant feelings of humiliation and foolishness that I thought it was a happy ever after thing and then this happens. Life is not good right now.

TerrorFirmer

TerrorFirmer wrote: »

I was going out with a girl for over a year - and I know a year seems like a short time, but I had been brilliant friends with her for several years prior and we have a lot of history - dating her was one of the best thing to ever happen me. She dumped me a few weeks ago totally out of the blue, as in literally a day after she'd stayed over and everything seemed perfect. Still feeling totally lost, have these constant feelings of humiliation and foolishness that I thought it was a happy ever after thing and then this happens. Life is not good right now.

Poor you .
Be kind to yourself and don't dwell too long on details. Feel better soon.

poundapunnet

I'm six months out of a long term relationship, and on a good day I'm up and dressed before I think of them, still have the occasional crying/drinking jag or fit of rage and have to fight the urge to make an angry phone call I get really frustrated at myself for still being like this, but when I think of the state I was in a few months ago I'm actually a bit proud of myself. Time is healing, it's just taking ages.

Looking back, I did LET myself fall to pieces in the aftermath, I would have done myself a better service by being tougher on myself in the beginning and forcing myself to be social and active etc, and, very importantly, cutting off contact immediately. Hindsight's 20:20 though, innit.

Hugs to anyone going through a break-up, it's the worst.

redappple

I will never for the rest of my life ever forget how devastatingly heartbroken I was when my first love broke my heart after a 4 year relationship. It was one of the worst things I've ever had to go through, and depending on the seriousness of the relationship it really is like the grief of losing someone - you are grieving. Took me around 1.5 - 2 years to fully get over it.

I could ramble on for hours about the pain but my advice is:
- don't take their calls or texts(if they are contacting you ask them to please give you your space and not contact), try not to call or text him, don't Facebook stalk him, etc
- spend time with friends, family and loved ones (Mum's can be especially great in this situation)
- go out on a night out - you may cry on the dance floor (as I did) but you would have cried at home anyway
- concentrate on the problem aspects of the relationship rather than all the good stuff/times (hard I know)
- you may end up being friends in the future but for now cut contact so that you can give yourself a chance to heal

Oh and I remember when I was going through it thinking I will never feel normal again. I did. Plus as it was my first love I thought in life you would only ever have 'one great love' and that I would never love anyone like I loved him. Again (thankfully!) I was wrong!

I can't stress how important it is to cut contact.