Funny sayings

Frigga_92

I see there is a thread resurrected about funny insults so I thought I would start a thread about funny sayings. I did a quick search but couldn't see a similar thread.

<Snip> has quite a neck on her, she chances her arm with so many things but yet she always manages to get away with it and it drives everyone mad.
We were chatting about this again yesterday and <snip> came out with this gem <snip>:

"If she fell out the window, up the way she'd go" :pac:

Do you have any funny sayings to share?

vicwatson

No

Banjo String

I accidentally my funny saying, the whole thing.

keith16

My grandad used to say:

"If you're going to be hung for stealing the lamb....you might as well conquer the Universe"

The Backwards Man

If you want the winter to pass quick, buy dear kent land.

131spanner

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog!

Sir Arthur Daley

If it don't fit don't force it.

MonaPizza

My uncle when talking about a certain brassy and voluptuous woman said "she'd fcuk a town down and laugh at the ruins."

jimgoose

From my father:

He'd take the eye out of your head, and persuade you blind you look better without it!

El Weirdo

From a thread in here recently, I think:

"I wouldn't get off of her 'til I felt the baby crowning."

Merkin

My beloved granny used to have a great saying but I am going to change the name of the person because I think this person actually did exist:

"He was as ugly as Paul O'Riordan who died of shame"

Merkin

Or referring to someone who was cross eyed:

You didn't know if he was looking at ya or looking for ya!

dmc17

WikiHow wrote: »

If it don't fit don't force it.

"If you don't force it, it won't fit"

wazky

When looking at an aesthetically pleasing behind

"I would get up in the middle of the night just to look at it".

dodderangler

She'd chew an apple through a letter box

Merkin

She'd eat her dinner out of a drawer (if they were stingy)

Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo

"She wasn't just the fattest girl I've ever riden, she's the fattest girl I've ever seen." :pac:

wazky

When you are in a relationship but still surveying the field.

"I might be on diet but I can still look at the menu."

jaggiebunnet

Merkin wrote: »

Or referring to someone who was cross eyed:

You didn't know if he was looking at ya or looking for ya!

He had one eye going to the shops and the other one coming back with the change

murpho999

wazky wrote: »

When you are in a relationship but still surveying the field.

"I might be on diet but I can still look at the menu."

Isn't it "You can look at the menu once you eat at home"?

jaggiebunnet

murpho999 wrote: »

Isn't it "You can look at the menu once you eat at home"?

I thought it was "It doesn't matter where i get the appetite so long as I go home hungry"

Merkin

jaggiebunnet wrote: »

He had one eye going to the shops and the other one coming back with the change

Comedy gold

Czarcasm

wazky wrote: »

When looking at an aesthetically pleasing behind

"I would get up in the middle of the night just to look at it".

Something similar, her father in "Bridget Jones' Diary" -


"I like a woman with an arse you can park your bike in and balance a pint of beer on"


From my old man when I was growing up -


"Hands out of your pockets, a good engineer never has his hands in his pockets"

"If you can't baffle them with science, blind them with bullshìt"


And il's not too often you can say it about a Guinness nowadays but -

"Dere's 'atin' 'n' drinkin' in daaah"

- Me, before I attended intensive speech therapy and elocution classes to work the bogger out of me

OrgasmicBaz

jaggiebunnet wrote: »

He had one eye going to the shops and the other one coming back with the change

One blew east, one blew west

BillyMitchel

He's sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish shop.

BUBBLES1978

Id eat a nuns arse through a convent wall

sweating like a paedophile in a sweet shop

id lick him all over like a new born calf....:D..

Mariasofia

A lot of eye ones but...
Tis all fun and games til someone loses an eye :-D

drake70

I read this somewhere:

"Grinning like a necrophiliac in a morgue"

...The Light Fantastic by Terry Pratchett

Sam Kade

If there was work in the bed he'd sleep on the floor.

Czarcasm

Mariasofia wrote: »

A lot of eye ones but...
Tis all fun and games til someone loses an eye :-D

"He'd take the white out of your eye and come back for the pupil"

wazky

Mariasofia wrote: »

A lot of eye ones but...
Tis all fun and games til someone loses an eye :-D

Tis all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.

Shane.C

"if you can't lift her don't shift her"

"He's a face on 'em like a bushted wellington hoi"

SEANoftheDEAD

"He's as mad as a bag of spiders" -a personal favorite when said with the right accent.

"She has a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp"

stoeger

Im so hungry Id eat the balls of a low flying duck

downwesht

If he was a ghost he wouldn't give ya a fright...!

Was in a queue in my Super-valu one day and heard 2 old dears wondering about the young guy cashier..

"Mary, is he gay?" said one gesturing towards the lad.

"He is" said Mary, "but he doesn't know it yet"

Priceless.

uch

About a Lovely Girl,,,,,,

"I'd drag me Balls over two miles of broken Glass to sniff a Photograph of her dirty knickers"

Yeah_Right

i like referring to babies as fcuk-trophies

Push Pop

It's not the length of the nail but the belt of the hammer

120_Minutes

"if I had a garden full of mickeys i wouldnt let her look over the wall"

"sweating like Fritzl on cribs"

Funkfield

"She looked like someone lit her head on fire and bate it out with a shovel"

"I wouldn't ride her into battle!"

"I'd ride her like a bike with no brakes!"

"I'm so hungry I'd eat a scabby child through a gate"

leonidas83

Yeah_Right wrote: »

i like referring to babies as fcuk-trophies

WTF??

TheMza

Her face would make an onion cry!

Shane.C

the Fcuk trophies, is insinuating of on completion of sexual intercourse, the resulting trophy being a baby.

At least i fcuking hope so!

stoeger

Im so hungry Id eat the balls of a low flying duck

Conall Cernach

My mother has some strange ones that are peculiar to Lurgan, Co. Armagh. Someone giving away a movie is called Sally Creaney e.g. "this is a good bit, that boy there is the killer." "Arrgh shut up Sally Creaney."
Another one is if someone repeatedly asks the time you call them Bru Donegan or even if you are asking the time yourself. "What time is it now, Bru Donegan?"
Presumably these were real people.

Mariasofia

That I may before I mightnt.....????
:-D

Captain Havoc

For those of you (unlike me, obviously) who are not well hung:
It's not the size of the wand that matters, it's about the magic it produces.

When I got a job as a bar manager, my mate congratulated me with this:
It's like leaving Gary Glitter in charge of a creche.

I'm so hungry, I'd eat the hind legs off the lamb of God.

stoeger

It might be small love but iv an ares like a sowing machine

jimboblep

id eat a mile of her **** just to see where it came from

John T Carroll

"It wouldnt pull a soldier off your sister"

Panic E

Merkin wrote: »

You didn't know if he was looking at ya or looking for ya!

jaggiebunnet wrote: »

He had one eye going to the shops and the other one coming back with the change

One eye looking at ya and the other one looking for ya!