GAY RELATIONSHIP AND INFIDELITY

emmbay

PLEASE READ! Cheated! Friendship! Trust! Betrayal!

I NEED HELP AND ADVICE!

Almost a year ago I started chatting to a guy online. When we first started chatting it was kind of not normal and it seemed he just wanted sex. I was just out of a short relationship and I was single and it said on his profile that he was too and I had no problem chatting to him because besides him talking dirty he did seem like a very nice guy.

On this site at the time i was chatting to guy #1 another guy #2 started chatting to me but it said on his profile that he was in a relationship which I completely accepted because the site was really to meet people close by and to make friends and he was new to the area. I don't have a social outlet and don't have any close friends so making friends online seemed like the best option for me.

I continued to chatting to both #1 and #2 but things seemed weird. Both of the guys lived in the same town and just being inquisitive I asked were in the town exactly it was because it is a big town. I soon figured that both #1 and #2 were actually in a relationship together. At the time I felt hurt with guy #1 because he had led me to believe something might happen no matter what it was and because he didn't admit from the get go that he wasn't single it hurt. I did let guy #2 know that I was chatting to his boyfriend and that he was being untrue to him by having on his profile that he was single and that he was sending pics and chatting unlike a person in a relationship should to someone else. Guy #2 seemed pissed off about it I wouldn't blame him and he deleted his profile and I didn't hear from him again. However, guy #1 continued chatting he changed his profile, said sorry and I forgave him as he said it was a mistake.

I continued chatting to #1 normally and as a friend and it was great and I loved texting him cos he honestly did seem genuine, even after what had happened. Anyway as time went on he seen how nice and genuine I was and I seen the same in him, it didn't bother me that he was in a relationship because he swore that he just wanted friends, and so did I.

After 3 months of chatting guy#1 asked could we meet in person and see how we got on. I agreed. I went and met him in a public area and we chatted and it was great, I was a little shy at first but i felt at ease because he seemed so understanding and tried his best to get me to talk. I felt like I had a connection with guy #1 from day one and we started hanging out more. I felt happy someone wanted to spend time with me and wanted to build a friendship which I so desperately needed.
But the worst happened, he made a move on me and I responded and we had sex. It felt so right even though he had a partner I still had a bond with him. Our friendship developed even further, I was seeing him at least once a week and not every time sex was involved, which made me believe it was more than that, which in my heart I knew it was. I let him into my life took down my guards and opened up to him about everything and he done the same to me, he even deleted his profiles eventually and admitted he was the happiest he had been ever, having his partner and me in his life and I was absolutely over the moon with it all.

He listened to me and understood everything about me, why I had the flaws I had and accepted me for that. He even said he loved me and I said it back because I truly do.

Guy #1 never hid the fact he was in love with his boyfriend and me and I didn't either. After awhile I met guy #2, he was lovely so quiet and caring and always trying his best even if it wasn't doing it right, but I liked him and cared about him to because he was part of my best friends life.

I started to spend a lot of time with both of them together cos it is what guy #1 wanted and I wanted it too because I was trying to prove to guy #2 I actually was his boyfriends best friend.

Then things started to go wrong.....

Guy #2 started chatting to me more on a social network site which I didn't mind cos he was part of my best friends life and we needed to get to know each other. We joked about and made sly comments but it was only a bit of fun and a joke. Then one day we were chatting and he mentioned something sexually and I responded with a sly comment and as a joke. Guy #1 had always told me that guy #2 had the same tendency to chat to guys dirty and was relatively inexperienced with guys and probably even though they were in a relationship. Guy #1 had even said he wouldn't mind if I was with guy #2, once he knew, because he trusted me and knew I wasn't some strange person that would put their health at risk, as guy #2 would probably go off and have unprotected sex.

I kept responding to guy to and still both of us made sly comments, then eventually one day when I was in their house studying alone with guy #2 there, he texted me from downstairs and was messing saying 'oh do you need a hand studying' I responded saying 'Ah sure why not' I knew it was innuendo that we were going to have sex and I knew guy #2 wanted it and I gave in.



My reason for giving in was because I love guy #1 i didn't want his boyfriend going off with some random person putting him at risk and obviously myself because I was in a sexual relationship with guy #1.

Me and guy #2 had sex we are both adults and we made that decision between both of us. The first time it happened I was so so hurt I had betrayed my best friend and I was afraid if I told him he would walk out of my life and I'd be back to square one and have nothing. I even was really moody with guy #1 i don't know what, probably just because I WAS ANGRY WITH MYSELF. It didn't happen between me and guy #2 once though, it happened on 3 occasions. The first two occasions were not pre-meditated to happen but in a sense they were because comments were made. The third time guy #2 just came and got into the bed beside me when I was sleeping and I let it happen. Each time I felt terrible I was betraying my best friend and I hated myself for it, but I thought in my head I was doing it for guy #1 as I was getting no pleasure out of doing it.

Guy #1 told me everything about guy #2 and he loved that he could because he had no one else to talk about their relationship with. He had told me after me and guy #2 had done it that he found pictures of another guy on his phone and when he confronted him about it he admitted that he was texting other people and sending a receiving pictures. Guy #1 said to guy #2 that he needed to get something out of his system and he could do so by being with me because obviously guy #1 had trusted me to do it and I was informed by guy #1 that he had told him that. ULTIMATELY i was in shock I didn't wanna do it, it had happened before which I kept to myself and since it happened I kicked myself for it everyday, losing sleep and being constantly in bad form.

I had someone I shared absolutely everything with but I kept this a secret from him, I couldn't live with myself and I kept saying to guy #1 it ain't going to happen but in a way guy #1 wanted it to. He asked me to send him everything that guy #2 was saying and I did, well most of it because I had to leave out parts that refereed to me and guy #2 doing it already. I was gonna go do it again and make out to guy #1 that it happened it was the first time and tell him every single detail. I couldn't go through with it and either could guy #2 because he thought guy #1 was onto him and me, for the first 3 times. I was so glad he didn't want it again, which I did make out to guy #2 I was a bit unhappy about but I had to so he wouldn't suspect anything.

I was so hurt I knew I had betrayed the biggest part of my life. I needed to tell guy #1. So I did. He was so calm about it, almost too calm. His calmness turned into anger and he took it out on guy #2 by shouting and screaming and really scaring guy #2 he even scared himself he was that angry. He understood I was sorry and knew I had to tell him.

This has only just happened in the last day, the wounds of my betrayal are still fresh for guy #1 and I am hurting so much for doing it. I really don't know what to do and either does guy #1. He could walk out on both of us and if he does I am gonna be blamed by guy #2, his family, his friends and guy #1 family and friends. The both of us love guy #1 so much and we are willing to do anything to get him to forgive us. He is more hurt at me over it because I am supposed to tell him everything.

I really do not know what to do, I am hurting so much to the point of physically hurting myself and have no body to talk to about it as the only person I can talk to, guy#1 is angry with me. If anyone can offer some ADVICE I will be very grateful.

It's impossible to control who u fall in love with

Ten of Swords

Look I know you're hurting and there is no way to control who you fall in love with but you probably won't like my take on your situation.

If they are still a couple then the kindest thing you can do is leave them both alone.

Look at the basic facts, 1 cheated on his boyfriend with you. Then, much self pitying later, 2 cheated on his boyfriend with you.

There is plenty more i could say but i don't want to get too deep into this but you need to really look at yourself and decide if this is good for you too. To be honest they both seem like trouble, especially guy 1

jabarrett35

I'm sorry this has happened to you, don't hurt yourself. I hate to say this but #1 is a player! I'm not sure either of these men are your true friends at all. I'm not sure why #1 is angry he encouraged you to sleep with his bf, which on several levels is strange. I don't buy this I'd prefer it to be you than some random chap. Look they'll make up and I hate to say it but they'll blame you. You may love him but he I'm sure doesn't love you. You need to protect yourself and worry less about their feelings but concern yourself with yours. I'd take some time out from both of them distance can put perspective on things. I'm not so sure #1 didn't know you'd been sleeping with his bf. Does number 2 know his bf slept with you? Because if he's doesn't #1 is a real hypocrite if hasn't told his bf. If you want to speak to someone LGBT helpline is very good. But I'd step back. I've been involved in a complicated relationship so I know what it's like. I agree with Ten of Swords, number one is trouble with a capital T.

emmbay

Ten of Swords wrote: »

Look I know you're hurting and there is no way to control who you fall in love with but you probably won't like my take on your situation.

If they are still a couple then the kindest thing you can do is leave them both alone.

Look at the basic facts, 1 cheated on his boyfriend with you. Then, much self pitying later, 2 cheated on his boyfriend with you.

There is plenty more i could say but i don't want to get too deep into this but you need to really look at yourself and decide if this is good for you too. To be honest they both seem like trouble, especially guy 1

Yeah but he is in love with me too not just because he says it but he shows it, possibly more that he shows it to guy #2. He actually does everything for me. He said to me that he expected it from guy #2 but didn't expect it from me. I could leave them alone but he says he still wants me in his life. I don't know

jabarrett35

emmbay wrote: »

Yeah but he is in love with me too not just because he says it but he shows it, possibly more that he shows it to guy #2. He actually does everything for me. He said to me that he expected it from guy #2 but didn't expect it from me. I could leave them alone but he says he still wants me in his life. I don't know

You need to tell #1 to decide what he wants you or his bf. Otherwise you're just the third wheel. I still think you need to take time out from it all.

emmbay

jabarrett35 wrote: »

I'm sorry this has happened to you, don't hurt yourself. I hate to say this but #1 is a player! I'm not sure either of these men are your true friends at all. I'm not sure why #1 is angry he encouraged you to sleep with his bf, which on several levels is strange. I don't buy this I'd prefer it to be you than some random chap. Look they'll make up and I hate to say it but they'll blame you. You may love him but he I'm sure doesn't love you. You need to protect yourself and worry less about their feelings but concern yourself with yours. I'd take some time out from both of them distance can put perspective on things. I'm not so sure #1 didn't know you'd been sleeping with his bf. Does number 2 know his bf slept with you? Because if he's doesn't #1 is a real hypocrite if hasn't told his bf. If you want to speak to someone LGBT helpline is very good. But I'd step back. I've been involved in a complicated relationship so I know what it's like. I agree with Ten of Swords, number one is trouble with a capital T.

He knows himself he is being a hypocrite, he just can't admit it. But, I know I did hurt him though because I did make out that I expect the truth in everything which is why I couldn't keep it from him. I am upset, we all are to be honest, but I am just gonna see what happens, he is still my friend I do care about him he obviously won't trust me again and it has actually nothing to do with sex, its just the fact he didn't know and I kept it from him.

Ten of Swords

Then he should do the decent thing and end his relationship with 2. What you're doing is cruel and i suspect you're both being played by 1

emmbay

jabarrett35 wrote: »

You need to tell #1 to decide what he wants you or his bf. Otherwise you're just the third wheel. I still think you need to take time out from it all.

I actually think his bf feels like the third wheel most of the time, they sit there in silence with each other. I am a very quiet person but I still try and make conversation. I don't really want to be the cause of a relationship that has been doomed from the beginning for breaking up cos I am gonna be the worst person in the world and be hated by all their family and friends for it. I am gonna let the dust settle and see what happens. I am still friends with guy #1 nothing will change that. Sex just had to go and complicate everything like it always does.

emmbay

Ten of Swords wrote: »

Then he should do the decent thing and end his relationship with 2. What you're doing is cruel and i suspect you're both being played by 1

What am I doing that is cruel?

Ten of Swords

Repeatedly having sex with 1 knowing full well he has a boyfriend. I guess its ok though, since you had a connection, Im sure 2 is cool with that.

jabarrett35

Ten of Swords wrote: »

Repeatedly having sex with 1 knowing full well he has a boyfriend. I guess its ok though, since you had a connection, Im sure 2 is cool with that.

Thinking about, once you knew #1 had a bf you should have laid down some ground rules. Do you really want to have a relationship with someone that talks dirty to other men behind your back because as night follows day he'd be on Grindr with a new profile. People don't change. You feel more guilty but frankly you're all as bad as each other though #1 is the main game player in this mènage à trois.

emmbay

Ten of Swords wrote: »

Repeatedly having sex with 1 knowing full well he has a boyfriend. I guess its ok though, since you had a connection, Im sure 2 is cool with that.

#2 knows and has always known, he is too afraid to say anything cos he doesn't want to lose his security, because that is all their relationship is based on. He even said to me that if he was to leave he would have no house, car, money and he'd be on his own.

emmbay

jabarrett35 wrote: »

Thinking about, once you knew #1 had a bf you should have laid down some ground rules. Do you really want to have a relationship with someone that talks dirty to other men behind your back because as night follows day he'd be on Grindr with a new profile. People don't change. You feel more guilty but frankly you're all as bad as each other though #1 is the main game player in this mènage à trois.

I did lay down ground rules and then I made him delete his profiles on everything, but it happened. It's nothing to do with sex

jabarrett35

emmbay wrote: »

#2 knows and has always known, he is too afraid to say anything cos he doesn't want to lose his security, because that is all their relationship is based on. He even said to me that if he was to leave he would have no house, car, money and he'd be on his own.

Well what #1 is doing is just plain cruel I'm sorry. He sounds more like a house boy than a bf. I feel sorry for him to be frank.

Annasopra

emmbay wrote: »

Yeah but he is in love with me too not just because he says it but he shows it, possibly more that he shows it to guy #2. He actually does everything for me. He said to me that he expected it from guy #2 but didn't expect it from me. I could leave them alone but he says he still wants me in his life. I don't know

You asked for help and advice. It seems to me that you are not listening to or accepting the help and advice though.

emmbay

jabarrett35 wrote: »

Well what #1 is doing is just plain cruel I'm sorry. He sounds more like a house boy than a bf. I feel sorry for him to be frank.

But man you can't help who you fall in love with. He says he loves both of us the same and for different reasons and he does show it too. But I really don't know. I am best just to let it settle, i don't blame either of them even though it might seem like someone is to blame. It wasn't per-mediated by any of us really

jabarrett35

emmbay wrote: »

I did lay down ground rules and then I made him delete his profiles on everything, but it happened. It's nothing to do with sex

I didn't mean those sort of ground rules one that meant you weren't going to sleep with someone else's bf. What business is it of yours if he's on Grindr he's not your bf? I think you've over step the boundaries here sure he actively encouraged it. It's all gone bang now and you being a basically nice man feels guilty.Let's be frank you want him as your bf.

emmbay

mango salsa wrote: »

You asked for help and advice. It seems to me that you are not listening to or accepting the help and advice though.

I am listening I'm just saying what I think

emmbay

jabarrett35 wrote: »

I didn't mean those sort of ground rules one that meant you weren't going to sleep with someone else's bf. What business is it of yours if he's on Grindr he's not your bf? I think you've over step the boundaries here sure he actively encouraged it. It's all gone bang now and you being a basically nice man feels guilty.Let's be frank you want him as your bf.

Who is the nice man?
And no way do I want him as my boyfriend.

jabarrett35

emmbay wrote: »

Who is the nice man?
And no way do I want him as my boyfriend.

You're the nice guy. So what do you want then? Why on earth would you go through all this unless you wanted him for yourself? I don't understand what you want to happen. If you don't want him as a bf I'd distance myself from the situation. Because one of those men are going to blame you if they break up. I suspect #2 will.

baby and crumble

I am exhausted just reading the 1st post! And they say lesbians like relationship drama!!!

Look, op. Surely you can see this is a big mess. Unless everyone is completely fine with an open relationship/ a three way relationship then this whole situation can only end horribly. And obviously nobody is or you wouldn't be here asking for advice.

You say you can't help who you fall in love with, and that's fair enough. You can, however, control your actions, and it seems like none of you do. You knew from teh start these guys were in a relationship yet you still had sex with them both. What did you expect to happen? More importantly, what do you want to happen now? Because all the advice in te world isn't going to help unless you know what you want.

If you want an easy life, then get rid of both of them out of your life. I really doubt that you'll be able to go back to being friends without a massive undercurrent happening. That will only lead to messy, messy things.

If you want one of them as your monogamous bf then pick and tell them. Anything else is just unfair to them and you.

If you think an open relationship/ three way relationship would work, offer it as a possibility.

Clearly these guys aren't breaking up, even though their relationship is clearly broken and based on a massive power imbalance. One guy not even able to leave because he'd have no money? Te other guy scaring everyone through his aggression and shouting? Not healthy. In my opinion op I'd run, and run far. It'll all end in tears.

Annasopra

emmbay wrote: »

I am listening I'm just saying what I think

There's a difference between listening and hearing. You seem very defensive about the situation when people offer you advice. That seems to me like you are hearing but not listening.

jabarrett35

baby and crumble wrote: »

I am exhausted just reading the 1st post! And they say lesbians like relationship drama!!!

Look, op. Surely you can see this is a big mess. Unless everyone is completely fine with an open relationship/ a three way relationship then this whole situation can only end horribly. And obviously nobody is or you wouldn't be here asking for advice.

You say you can't help who you fall in love with, and that's fair enough. You can, however, control your actions, and it seems like none of you do. You knew from teh start these guys were in a relationship yet you still had sex with them both. What did you expect to happen? More importantly, what do you want to happen now? Because all the advice in te world isn't going to help unless you know what you want.



If you want an easy life, then get rid of both of them out of your life. I really doubt that you'll be able to go back to being friends without a massive undercurrent happening. That will only lead to messy, messy things.

If you want one of them as your monogamous bf then pick and tell them. Anything else is just unfair to them and you.

If you think an open relationship/ three way relationship would work, offer it as a possibility.

Clearly these guys aren't breaking up, even though their relationship is clearly broken and based on a massive power imbalance. One guy not even able to leave because he'd have no money? Te other guy scaring everyone through his aggression and shouting? Not healthy. In my opinion op I'd run, and run far. It'll all end in tears.

I completely agree I'd head for the hills and stay there for awhile. I was played by someone like that they make you think they love you they really only love themselves. I only slept with one of them but when he wanted to make a change in his life guess who got the push?! They are probably quite happy in their dis functional relationship.

emmbay

baby and crumble wrote: »

I am exhausted just reading the 1st post! And they say lesbians like relationship drama!!!

Look, op. Surely you can see this is a big mess. Unless everyone is completely fine with an open relationship/ a three way relationship then this whole situation can only end horribly. And obviously nobody is or you wouldn't be here asking for advice.

You say you can't help who you fall in love with, and that's fair enough. You can, however, control your actions, and it seems like none of you do. You knew from teh start these guys were in a relationship yet you still had sex with them both. What did you expect to happen? More importantly, what do you want to happen now? Because all the advice in te world isn't going to help unless you know what you want.

If you want an easy life, then get rid of both of them out of your life. I really doubt that you'll be able to go back to being friends without a massive undercurrent happening. That will only lead to messy, messy things.

If you want one of them as your monogamous bf then pick and tell them. Anything else is just unfair to them and you.

If you think an open relationship/ three way relationship would work, offer it as a possibility.

Clearly these guys aren't breaking up, even though their relationship is clearly broken and based on a massive power imbalance. One guy not even able to leave because he'd have no money? Te other guy scaring everyone through his aggression and shouting? Not healthy. In my opinion op I'd run, and run far. It'll all end in tears.

Are u a woman cos that's the best advice I've gotten outta this. Guy #1 has said atleast it will be easier for us to be together. I don't want him to leave me or his already bf.. It's really what society thinks tbh but thanks anyway.

emmbay

jabarrett35 wrote: »

I completely agree I'd head for the hills and stay there for awhile. I was played by someone like that they make you think they love you they really only love themselves. I only slept with one of them but when he wanted to make a change in his life guess who got the push?! They are probably quite happy in their dis functional relationship.

I understand

Meangadh

I don't know if I've ever posted in this forum before (so, hi!) but this came up on the homepage so I'm just replying with my tuppence worth.

I absolutely agree that you need to seriously consider removing both of these people from your life. The whole thing sounds completely toxic and life is too short to be dealing with this. Your first post alone is difficult to keep up with; never mind anything else that's going on.

These guys don't seem to know what they want from each other, and you in the mix is almost even giving them an excuse for not sorting their stuff out. Maybe they do even want an open relationship, but by very virtue of the fact that you're posting here looking for advice, it seems to me that you don't need the hassle of being stuck in the middle of them.

Obviously I don't know any of you and there could be far more to it than I am getting here, but my advice would be to go out and find something far less complicated for yourself. Just seems like too much work for something that doesn't seem like it's good for you anyway.

emmbay

jabarrett35 wrote: »

I completely agree I'd head for the hills and stay there for awhile. I was played by someone like that they make you think they love you they really only love themselves. I only slept with one of them but when he wanted to make a change in his life guess who got the push?! They are probably quite happy in their dis functional relationship.

It was actually probably the same person

floggg

OP I don't know where to begin on this cluster **** of an arrangement you've ended up in.

I'm going to guess that you are perhaps a bit young and not that experienced at the dating game.

Anyway, this has been a mess from day one. The two lads clearly have an extremely dysfunctional relationship, and how you let yourself get so tangled up in it is beyond me.

The fact that they have both caught each other chatting to guys online with a view to meeting them, and now both slept with the same guy means that (a) they are less likely to break up now and (b) are not capable of nor expecting a normal monogamous relationship.

Which is bad for you if you have an ideas about getting with Guy 1.

I'd also point out that while you think you have a connection with him and that he genuinely loves you, considering the background to this story he seems to be a very manipulative type of person and can't be taken at face value.


He started chatting with you online looking for sex while in a relationship, got caught but still persuaded you to be friends with. Starting having sex with you anyway, and integrated you into his life. Encouraged you to have sex with his boyfriend (or at least gave you the greed light). Asked to see messages between you and so knew there was something going on. Then got angry when he found out that the thing he said you could do happened.

And now you feel guilty about this and are worried that you will be the bad guy - even though the two of them cheated with you and had varying degrees of knowledge about what was going on?

Added to the fact that you allowed all this to happen, and found yourself having sex with guy 2 even when you say you didn't really want to.

It seems you are being manipulated by them both and don't even realise it.

It seems to me they have more issues between them then the RTE guide, they are both to carrying degrees manipulative and deceitful, clearly incapable of a monogamous and respectful relationship and are just trouble all around.

And that you are perhaps rather naive and innocent and will believe anything your are told as long as it's what you want to hear.

If you stay involved with these two in either way, you'll get hurt. Even if they break up and you get with guy A, he'll likely end up cheating on you at some point. He may even convince you to agree to it.

You can stay friends but you'll likely fall back into bed with him the first time he tries it.

And you can try the whole open relationship thing but these guys can't be trusted to obey the rules, clearly don't communicate effectively enough for that to work and you probably aren't mature are savy enough for that type of relationship even it was functional - which this one isn't.

Honest advice here is cut and run, and go spend so time about how you landed yourself in this and what you want out of a relationship.

baby and crumble

emmbay wrote: »

Are u a woman cos that's the best advice I've gotten outta this. Guy #1 has said atleast it will be easier for us to be together. I don't want him to leave me or his already bf.. It's really what society thinks tbh but thanks anyway.

I am, but lots of people are giving you the exact same advice. And more importantly I am removed from the situation. I can see it for what it is- really messed up!

I don't know what society has to do with this tbh. You don't want to break up with him or have him break up with his bf, so what's the option? If a mutual arrangement would work by all means give it a go- but prepared for it all to go tits up and turn into a total car crash. Not, I hasten to add, because it's a triple relationship, but because you are pretty niaive and these two guys are completely disfunctional.

Dr. Shrike

To be honest, it's best to see this as no-one's fault but your own.

Sounds harsh, but when you're older/wiser you'll realise how much your own emotions will fool you into getting exactly what they want, even if it messes your life up.

If you thought you *just* wanted to be friends with that guy, then that's clearly nonsense. Some part of you wanted to be in a relationship with him and that makes your own emotions untrustworthy.

The sooner you realise you have to keep as close an eye on your own feelings, as any two-faced man in real life, the sooner you'll begin avoiding all this silly drama.

emmbay

floggg wrote: »

OP I don't know where to begin on this cluster **** of an arrangement you've ended up in.

I'm going to guess that you are perhaps a bit young and not that experienced at the dating game.

Anyway, this has been a mess from day one. The two lads clearly have an extremely dysfunctional relationship, and how you let yourself get so tangled up in it is beyond me.

The fact that they have both caught each other chatting to guys online with a view to meeting them, and now both slept with the same guy means that (a) they are less likely to break up now and (b) are not capable of nor expecting a normal monogamous relationship.

Which is bad for you if you have an ideas about getting with Guy 1.

I'd also point out that while you think you have a connection with him and that he genuinely loves you, considering the background to this story he seems to be a very manipulative type of person and can't be taken at face value.


He started chatting with you online looking for sex while in a relationship, got caught but still persuaded you to be friends with. Starting having sex with you anyway, and integrated you into his life. Encouraged you to have sex with his boyfriend (or at least gave you the greed light). Asked to see messages between you and so knew there was something going on. Then got angry when he found out that the thing he said you could do happened.

And now you feel guilty about this and are worried that you will be the bad guy - even though the two of them cheated with you and had varying degrees of knowledge about what was going on?

Added to the fact that you allowed all this to happen, and found yourself having sex with guy 2 even when you say you didn't really want to.

It seems you are being manipulated by them both and don't even realise it.

It seems to me they have more issues between them then the RTE guide, they are both to carrying degrees manipulative and deceitful, clearly incapable of a monogamous and respectful relationship and are just trouble all around.

And that you are perhaps rather naive and innocent and will believe anything your are told as long as it's what you want to hear.

If you stay involved with these two in either way, you'll get hurt. Even if they break up and you get with guy A, he'll likely end up cheating on you at some point. He may even convince you to agree to it.

You can stay friends but you'll likely fall back into bed with him the first time he tries it.

And you can try the whole open relationship thing but these guys can't be trusted to obey the rules, clearly don't communicate effectively enough for that to work and you probably aren't mature are savy enough for that type of relationship even it was functional - which this one isn't.

Honest advice here is cut and run, and go spend so time about how you landed yourself in this and what you want out of a relationship.

Thanks for your advice. My head is all over the place as you can imagine. I know I'm not to blame in any of this they are both grown men and are responsible for their own actions as am I and I hold my hands up to that. Thanks

emmbay

Dr. Shrike wrote: »

To be honest, it's best to see this as no-one's fault but your own.

Sounds harsh, but when you're older/wiser you'll realise how much your own emotions will fool you into getting exactly what they want, even if it messes your life up.

If you thought you *just* wanted to be friends with that guy, then that's clearly nonsense. Some part of you wanted to be in a relationship with him and that makes your own emotions untrustworthy.

The sooner you realise you have to keep as close an eye on your own feelings, as any two-faced man in real life, the sooner you'll begin avoiding all this silly drama.

Oh ofcourse I got to put my hands up and admit I got into this situation and I done what I done. I'm responsible for my actions and I ain't some silly teenager.

emmbay

baby and crumble wrote: »

I am, but lots of people are giving you the exact same advice. And more importantly I am removed from the situation. I can see it for what it is- really messed up!

I don't know what society has to do with this tbh. You don't want to break up with him or have him break up with his bf, so what's the option? If a mutual arrangement would work by all means give it a go- but prepared for it all to go tits up and turn into a total car crash. Not, I hasten to add, because it's a triple relationship, but because you are pretty niaive and these two guys are completely disfunctional.

Thanks anyway. Whatever happens I am prepared for it I do realise every action has repercussions. Thanks

emmbay

Dr. Shrike wrote: »

To be honest, it's best to see this as no-one's fault but your own.

Sounds harsh, but when you're older/wiser you'll realise how much your own emotions will fool you into getting exactly what they want, even if it messes your life up.

If you thought you *just* wanted to be friends with that guy, then that's clearly nonsense. Some part of you wanted to be in a relationship with him and that makes your own emotions untrustworthy.

The sooner you realise you have to keep as close an eye on your own feelings, as any two-faced man in real life, the sooner you'll begin avoiding all this silly drama.

Oh ofcourse I got to put my hands up and admit I got into this situation and I done what I done. I'm responsible for my actions and I ain't some silly teenager.

emmbay

floggg wrote: »

OP I don't know where to begin on this cluster **** of an arrangement you've ended up in.

I'm going to guess that you are perhaps a bit young and not that experienced at the dating game.

Anyway, this has been a mess from day one. The two lads clearly have an extremely dysfunctional relationship, and how you let yourself get so tangled up in it is beyond me.

The fact that they have both caught each other chatting to guys online with a view to meeting them, and now both slept with the same guy means that (a) they are less likely to break up now and (b) are not capable of nor expecting a normal monogamous relationship.

Which is bad for you if you have an ideas about getting with Guy 1.

I'd also point out that while you think you have a connection with him and that he genuinely loves you, considering the background to this story he seems to be a very manipulative type of person and can't be taken at face value.


He started chatting with you online looking for sex while in a relationship, got caught but still persuaded you to be friends with. Starting having sex with you anyway, and integrated you into his life. Encouraged you to have sex with his boyfriend (or at least gave you the greed light). Asked to see messages between you and so knew there was something going on. Then got angry when he found out that the thing he said you could do happened.

And now you feel guilty about this and are worried that you will be the bad guy - even though the two of them cheated with you and had varying degrees of knowledge about what was going on?

Added to the fact that you allowed all this to happen, and found yourself having sex with guy 2 even when you say you didn't really want to.

It seems you are being manipulated by them both and don't even realise it.

It seems to me they have more issues between them then the RTE guide, they are both to carrying degrees manipulative and deceitful, clearly incapable of a monogamous and respectful relationship and are just trouble all around.

And that you are perhaps rather naive and innocent and will believe anything your are told as long as it's what you want to hear.

If you stay involved with these two in either way, you'll get hurt. Even if they break up and you get with guy A, he'll likely end up cheating on you at some point. He may even convince you to agree to it.

You can stay friends but you'll likely fall back into bed with him the first time he tries it.

And you can try the whole open relationship thing but these guys can't be trusted to obey the rules, clearly don't communicate effectively enough for that to work and you probably aren't mature are savy enough for that type of relationship even it was functional - which this one isn't.

Honest advice here is cut and run, and go spend so time about how you landed yourself in this and what you want out of a relationship.

Thanks for your advice. My head is all over the place as you can imagine. I know I'm not to blame in any of this they are both grown men and are responsible for their own actions as am I and I hold my hands up to that. Thanks

floggg

emmbay wrote: »

Thanks for your advice. My head is all over the place as you can imagine. I know I'm not to blame in any of this they are both grown men and are responsible for their own actions as am I and I hold my hands up to that. Thanks

Can I ask what you are going to do?

orionm_73

I know I'm not to blame in any of this they are both grown men and are responsible for their own actions as am I and I hold my hands up to that. Thanks

Not sure I follow this, you say you know you're not to blame but then say you hold your hands up to that?

Whatever happens I am prepared for it

Rather then let whatever happens just happen, I'd take the advice of previous posters and walk away. Accepting 'whatever happens' sounds to me like you are really hoping to have Guy #1 as your boyfriend. Even if that did happen do you think he won't continue to chat to other guys online? Also ask yourself if there are any other guys he is in contact with right now

emmbay

floggg wrote: »

Can I ask what you are going to do?

I am just going to stand up for what I done and face the facts that it is wrong.

With the lads I will just play it by ear. If guy 1 wants to talk I'll listen. I know if someone is telling the truth or are they are just telling me want I want to hear.
If he wants he can sort it with his bf himself I do see clearly that they have a huge problem and there relationship won't last and if it does last it's only because they are afraid that they will lose there security of having a house, car and money etc.
It is a huge learning curve for me and obviously I will learn from my mistakes atleast now I know I can be open with someone and if they don't like me that is their problem

emmbay

orionm_73 wrote: »

Not sure I follow this, you say you know you're not to blame but then say you hold your hands up to that?



Rather then let whatever happens just happen, I'd take the advice of previous posters and walk away. Accepting 'whatever happens' soundsotop me like you are really hoping to have Guy #1 as your boyfriend. Even if that did happen do you think he won't continue to chat to other guys online? Also ask yourself if there are any other guys he is in contact with right now

I am not the one to blame for what happened their was two of us involved. I hold my hands up to what happened means I ain't gonna lie about it.. I ain't gonna end up with him because I don't want to even if I do love him and care

emmbay

orionm_73 wrote: »

Not sure I follow this, you say you know you're not to blame but then say you hold your hands up to that?



Rather then let whatever happens just happen, I'd take the advice of previous posters and walk away. Accepting 'whatever happens' soundsotop me like you are really hoping to have Guy #1 as your boyfriend. Even if that did happen do you think he won't continue to chat to other guys online? Also ask yourself if there are any other guys he is in contact with right now

I am not the one to blame for what happened their was two of us involved. I hold my hands up to what happened means I ain't gonna lie about it.. I ain't gonna end up with him because I don't want to even if I do love him and care

orionm_73

If you don't want to end up with him then walk away. Trying to be friends with him hasn't worked in the past, despite you setting rules, he made a move on you. Why would you think he will respect any rules you set down in the future?

floggg

emmbay wrote: »

I am just going to stand up for what I done and face the facts that it is wrong.

With the lads I will just play it by ear. If guy 1 wants to talk I'll listen. I know if someone is telling the truth or are they are just telling me want I want to hear.
If he wants he can sort it with his bf himself I do see clearly that they have a huge problem and there relationship won't last and if it does last it's only because they are afraid that they will lose there security of having a house, car and money etc.
It is a huge learning curve for me and obviously I will learn from my mistakes atleast now I know I can be open with someone and if they don't like me that is their problem

What age are you OP? And how long are you out?

emmbay

orionm_73 wrote: »

If you don't want to end up with him then walk away. Trying to be friends with him hasn't worked in the past, despite you setting rules, he made a move on you. Why would you think he will respect any rules you set down in the future?

People do change. But I actually am confused

emmbay

floggg wrote: »

What age are you OP? And how long are you out?

I'm 21 been out ten years. Actually never been in lol

floggg

emmbay wrote: »

I'm 21 been out ten years. Actually never been in lol

And what age are these guys?

emmbay

floggg wrote: »

And what age are these guys?

Both 25

floggg

emmbay wrote: »

Both 25

Well they are old enough to have their **** together by now.

You might not think so but you're still fairly young and naive.

I think you are best off staying well clear. You might think you can tell when people are honest or not, but clearly this guy has talked you into a very ****ed up situation.

You've exercised pretty poor judgment in this as well, so I would say that it's just safest to avoid.

However ultimately it's up to you.

But just prepare yourself for when it all goes wrong.

emmbay

floggg wrote: »

Well they are old enough to have their **** together by now.

You might not think so but you're still fairly young and naive.

I think you are best off staying well clear. You might think you can tell when people are honest or not, but clearly this guy has talked about you into a very ****ed up situation.

You've exercised pretty poor judgment in this as well, so I would say that it's just safest to avoid.

However ultimately it's up to you.

But just prepare yourself for when it all goes wrong.

Yeah I understand and thanks

jabarrett35

How long have they been together? I have the feeling your not the first person #1 has played. Because you've been played you know? As my friend said to me you need to learn scumbag 101. That's what he is a scumbag, he sleeps with you and then basically pimps out his bf to you who does that?! The fact you slept with both of them wasn't the greatest of ideas. Like everyone else has told you head for the hills. However it's ultimately your decision to make. It is however a train wreck of a situation.

emmbay

jabarrett35 wrote: »

How long have they been together? I have the feeling your not the first person #1 has played. Because you've been played you know? As my friend said to me you need to learn scumbag 101. That's what he is a scumbag, he sleeps with you and then basically pimps out his bf to you who does that?! The fact you slept with both of them wasn't the greatest of ideas. Like everyone else has told you head for the hills. However it's ultimately your decision to make. It is however a train wreck of a situation.

I don't think it was intentional to play me but obviously I have been as everyone is saying that and I do see it. I never imagined it would escalate to the way it did. I know for a fact I'm not the first but he has said the difference is he actually cares about me and has shown it in things he has done. I'm not deluded that he isn't being a **** to his bf in the first place by doing what he has done but is it not possible for people to fall in love if you are in a relationship.. I'm probably contradicting myself hugely

jabarrett35

emmbay wrote: »

I don't think it was intentional to play me but obviously I have been as everyone is saying that and I do see it. I never imagined it would escalate to the way it did. I know for a fact I'm not the first but he has said the difference is he actually cares about me and has shown it in things he has done. I'm not deluded that he isn't being a **** to his bf in the first place by doing what he has done but is it not possible for people to fall in love if you are in a relationship.. I'm probably contradicting myself hugely

I'm a lot older than you and I got played by a chap. So don't beat yourself up too much. Mine told me that he'd been leading me on which in my book takes it to another level of scumbaggery altogether I think. I've the feeling he does love you but not in the way a person wants to be loved. He has manipulated you and that's was from the get go. At 25 he's unlikely to change I'm afraid.