girlfriend just told me she kissed someone else

Snatchy

OP - reading your second post made my blood boil a little bit (for you and also because I've been in a similar situation before!).

You sound like a nice chap. I would feel the exact same way as you have described if I were in your shoes (and indeed have done).

My solution would be to have a little selfrespect and drop this girl NOW without an explanation. I'm sure she'll figure it out and will either (a) get with this guy in which case you've done the right thing by not wasting any more time on her; or (b) come crawling, apologetically, back to you in which case you can string her along for a while, make her feel the annoyance you've felt (ie - teach her a lesson) and following her reaction, make a decision on whether to give her another chance.

But right now you need to offload her without further delay. If the two of you are to have a future, she needs to have respect for you and you need to earn it. You can't earn it without having it for yourself. The longer you allow this to continue, the more damage you're doing to your confidence. Don't let that happen.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for the replies.

We talked about it over the weekend and I let her know how disappointed I was by it all.

Since then I have pretty much cut contact other than a few texts.

I need to think about the whole relationship now and if its what I want.

I always did have suspicions that we were on different pages on some things, this seems to be one of them and a large one.

Also, for those that remember, this is the same girl from another thread that vanished for 15 hours (twice) while she was away skiing and I was lambasted on here for my attitude about it. Maybe the behaviour I mentioned above helps explain why I had the response that I did.

Some serious thought about the future in store.
Thanks again.

brinty

op again wrote: »

Thanks all for the replies.

We talked about it over the weekend and I let her know how disappointed I was by it all.

Since then I have pretty much cut contact other than a few texts.

I need to think about the whole relationship now and if its what I want.

I always did have suspicions that we were on different pages on some things, this seems to be one of them and a large one.

Also, for those that remember, this is the same girl from another thread that vanished for 15 hours (twice) while she was away skiing and I was lambasted on here for my attitude about it. Maybe the behaviour I mentioned above helps explain why I had the response that I did.

Some serious thought about the future in store.
Thanks again.

OP i hate to say this but you need to dump her. It very early in a relationship and these things happen. I know i've been there as i said to you with my now wife as we were on different pages but that was after almost a year together. From the sounds of it shes a girl who's more concerned about herself than you.

Looked this girl might be the girl of your dreams but if shes treating you like this now she'll walk all over you forever.

Believe me there's a girl out there for everyone and you just haven't found her yet.

Penny Tration

op again wrote: »

Thanks all for the replies.

We talked about it over the weekend and I let her know how disappointed I was by it all.

Since then I have pretty much cut contact other than a few texts.

I need to think about the whole relationship now and if its what I want.

I always did have suspicions that we were on different pages on some things, this seems to be one of them and a large one.

Also, for those that remember, this is the same girl from another thread that vanished for 15 hours (twice) while she was away skiing and I was lambasted on here for my attitude about it. Maybe the behaviour I mentioned above helps explain why I had the response that I did.

Some serious thought about the future in store.
Thanks again.

Op, what did you expect in your previous thread?A lot of people on that ththread said that your behaviour may lead her to back away from you and tbh it seems like that's exactly what's after happening. I'd imagine the responses you would have gotten on this thread would vastly differ from what's been said here, had you included that information at the start.

LegacyUser

This relationship seems doomed to me OP. I know you said you are going to think about this and see if it's what you want, but this is your second thread about her now and you're still unhappy and rightly so given the info in this thread.

I remember your other thread but you have to understand OP we all gave advice based on the info you gave us and honestly you didn't come across well at all in first thread.

The main thing now is, do you honestly want to continue down this path, like seriously, you're only seeing her a while and there's all this heartache happening already! I usually think when relationships are this messy only 3-6 months in, it's not a good sign.

If I was you I think I'd move on from this girl now.

dellas1979

Well, I know I wrote on your last thread. And despite the new information, I wouldnt change it. We can only go on what youve told us.

Well, now you are getting answers (even to your original question that you posted a few weeks ago) as time moves on.

It doesnt sound like she is as invested as you. Give it some more time and see what happens.

Czarcasm

dellas1979 wrote: »

Well, I know I wrote on your last thread. And despite the new information, I wouldnt change it. We can only go on what youve told us.

I stand by what I said in that thread too -

OP both of you sound too immature to be in a relationship.

Fentdog84

It dosent sound like she's really all that into you..she's left you enough little clues to safely come to that conclusion..i would say she's keeping her options open with this other fella and is definitely flattered by his interest at the very least..that shouldnt even be on her radar if she's commited to you..never mind make a mini drama from it..sure guys will always come up trying it on with her when she's out its human nature, but its her responsibility to tell them that she's taken..why does she feel the need to come to you and burden you with these kind of dilemmas...things that can only worry you but what you have no control over..I mean what are you supposed to do about it exactly? ban her from going out? confront the guy?get all upset and jealous??..as you said you cant and dont want to be keeping tabs on her all the time..thats too exhausting and hard work..she's clearly messing you about and i think you need to get out before she reduces you to a shell with her self centred behaviour..

Stavro Mueller

OP, you deserved the lambasting you got in the other thread so don't go thinking you've now justified it by telling the same story from a different angle.

If you were in a healthy relationship where you trusted her, I should hope you wouldn't be going up the walls because she wasn't in contact so much. As people repeatedly told you, she was on holidays, she was with her friends and she was out and about. What did you expect? I hope it's just her behaviour, that you have outlined since, which unleashed this excessive clinginess.

It sounds like she's wrecking your head. What exactly are you getting from this relationship? It has already led you to start two threads here (that we know of) and you don't trust her very much. Maybe it's time to finish this before it gets worse.

If your girlfriend had any respect for you, she'd have told this other guy to go away once she had sobered up. To me that means either she enjoys the attention and/or mind games or she's not as invested in this relationship as you are. Either way, it's probably time to finish things.

Meauldsegosha

op again wrote: »

Also, for those that remember, this is the same girl from another thread that vanished for 15 hours (twice) while she was away skiing and I was lambasted on here for my attitude about it. Maybe the behaviour I mentioned above helps explain why I had the response that I did.

Some serious thought about the future in store.
Thanks again.

OP people can only comment on the information you post. You weren't lambasted on the other thread, you were given (very good) advice based on the information you posted. And the same is happening with this thread. What exactly do you want to hear, that you're a great guy for putting up with a woman like your
girlfriend. Do you want us to tell you that you're some kind of hero or martyr for putting up with her?

Honestly what kind of future do you see with this woman? Why keep putting yourself through this? You have two choices 1) you break up with her and get on with your life or 2) you stay in a relationship with. If you stay with her you have to accept her for who she is, a flaky forgetful woman who flirts with people.

LegacyUser

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

OP people can only comment on the information you post. You weren't lambasted on the other thread, you were given (very good) advice based on the information you posted. And the same is happening with this thread. What exactly do you want to hear, that you're a great guy for putting up with a woman like your
girlfriend. Do you want us to tell you that you're some kind of hero or martyr for putting up with her?

Honestly what kind of future do you see with this woman? Why keep putting yourself through this? You have two choices 1) you break up with her and get on with your life or 2) you stay in a relationship with. If you stay with her you have to accept her for who she is, a flaky forgetful woman who flirts with people.

No, I wanted to get some advice on whether or not her behaviour is something that I just need to accept; its its my problem or hers, or somewhere in between.

I'm not at all looking to be called a hero, quite resent the implication actually.

I dont know what future I see with her, thats why Im on here looking for advice. I kinda thought that was the point of the forum. I happen to love her, but there are some issues that I'm unsure about. Are they fundamental or not, are they mine or hers?
Should I try to work on it or walk away now before I potentially get more invested and hurt in the long run; yunno the typical questions that people have when starting a new relationship.

I had figured out that I have two options myself, what I was looking for was some advice to help me choose.

LegacyUser

everyone was unanimous with their advice in the last thread and also again in this thread. To put it bluntly from what you have said - she doesnt have much commitment to you at all as harsh as this may sound

It seems she prefers the other guy and wants to see what will happen with him before she makes a decision with you once and for all. Even if nothing comes of this guy, this will likely repeat itself time and time again

You either accept this is how she will be and that you are not that important to her or you finish with her and get someone who will appreciate you more

LegacyUser

op again wrote: »

No, I wanted to get some advice on whether or not her behaviour is something that I just need to accept; its its my problem or hers, or somewhere in between.

I'm not at all looking to be called a hero, quite resent the implication actually.

I dont know what future I see with her, thats why Im on here looking for advice. I kinda thought that was the point of the forum. I happen to love her, but there are some issues that I'm unsure about. Are they fundamental or not, are they mine or hers?
Should I try to work on it or walk away now before I potentially get more invested and hurt in the long run; yunno the typical questions that people have when starting a new relationship.

I had figured out that I have two options myself, what I was looking for was some advice to help me choose.

OP - everyone IS giving you advice, we cant choose for you! I think you've been given quite a lot of good advice this stage, so you should ponder over it. But I sincerely mean this - I hope you make the right decision. I also hope you dont end up back here with another thread, unhappy again. That's not a smart comment towards you either, I do mean it in a genuine way.

brinty

Hey OP Again..

I think everyone has been giving you solid advice here and the consensus is that you should leave well enough alone. You deserve better.

I know you said you're in love..trust me your not..its a couple of months, its infatuation...trust me i thought i was in love manys a time when with someone but it wasn't until i meet my now wife (and we got over our troubles) that i knew for certain i was in love

I know you mentioned you'd had it out with her and left it at that bar a few texts, is there any progress or has she tried to get in touch and try and make a go of it or talk it out.

Penny Tration

op again wrote: »

No, I wanted to get some advice on whether or not her behaviour is something that I just need to accept; its its my problem or hers, or somewhere in between.

I'm not at all looking to be called a hero, quite resent the implication actually.

I dont know what future I see with her, thats why Im on here looking for advice. I kinda thought that was the point of the forum. I happen to love her, but there are some issues that I'm unsure about. Are they fundamental or not, are they mine or hers?
Should I try to work on it or walk away now before I potentially get more invested and hurt in the long run; yunno the typical questions that people have when starting a new relationship.

I had figured out that I have two options myself, what I was looking for was some advice to help me choose.

I'll try not to be too harsh, because I think the post I quoted is quite reasonable.

Op, I think the problem lies with both of you. You are (in my opinion!) quite clingy and come across as very defensive (note how you did not tell anyone about your previous thread until you got answers which suited your own opinion here). She is a bit flighty and doesn't sound as though the relationship is something she is committed to. Whether that is a result of your overbearing behaviour while she was on holiday is something I'll leave you to consider.

Ultimately, you are not compatible in the slightest. She obviously isn't too happy with the relationship, or she wouldn't be off getting attention from this guy. You're obviously not happy either because you're making threads seeking advice.

It shouldn't be such hard work. Some people are unfortunate in that some curve balls get thrown their way right in the beginning of a relationship, making it much more work than the first 6 months of a relationship should be.

The issues here though are entirely of your (plural) own doing.

For both your sakes, walk. This isn't love, not what you're describing.

Stavro Mueller

op again wrote: »

No, I wanted to get some advice on whether or not her behaviour is something that I just need to accept; its its my problem or hers, or somewhere in between.

The only person who can make that decision is you I'm afraid. It's your relationship and it's up to you to decide what's acceptable or what's not. For what it's worth, I don't feel your girlfriend's behaviour is doing you any good whatsoever. You can't keep tabs on her 24/7 so either you're going to have to trust her or learn to live with the stress of not knowing what she's doing when she's not with you.

I don't know what future I see with her, that's why I'm on here looking for advice. I kinda thought that was the point of the forum. I happen to love her, but there are some issues that I'm unsure about. Are they fundamental or not, are they mine or hers?

I don't think anyone can give you definitive advice on this. None of us knows you and we can only go on any information you give us. While I think both of you are at fault to some extent, I think she is far more to blame.

Going back to that holiday she took: it's not good that you still can't see why people were "lambasting" you for being so clingy. It's not normal behaviour to be so incredibly needy and stressed.

On the other hand, I can understand why. She's making you insecure as hell. Let's be honest here. When she was off on holiday, you were concerned that she'd cheat on you again, weren't you? I don't buy that falling in a ditch nonsense for one minute.

She doesn't appear to have done anything to assure you that she has learned from her previous mistakes. If she had, you'd not give two hoots about this bloke who's after her.

Out of interest, what did she have to say when she got back from the holiday?

Should I try to work on it or walk away now before I potentially get more invested and hurt in the long run; yunno the typical questions that people have when starting a new relationship.

Again, nobody can answer that. Without being smart, none of us has a crystal ball. What sorts of conversations have you had with your girlfriend about these issues? I think the stress test here is how worried you feel if she goes out on a night with her friends and you're sat at home. Or if she went off again on another holiday and didn't text for a day - can you live with the stress of that. Do you trust her? If there is no trust, there is no relationship.