girlfriend just told me she kissed someone else

LegacyUser

So last night, just after I told her that I thought I was falling in love with her my gf told me that a month ago she kissed another guy on a night out. Funnily enough I suspected something had happened that night but she denied/ignored it at the time.

We've only been seeing each other since Nov and this happened the week before Christmas, 2 days after she took me out for my birthday and the day before I stayed over for the first time.

She says it was nothing and just a stupid mistake when drunk, also that she didn't feel the same way about me back then as she does now, that we should focus on how we have felt about each other for the last month, when we have both developed very strong feelings for each other.

I don't know what to do or think. I didn't sleep at all last night and feel sick today. Am I over reacting? I just find myself thinking about her kissing and touching this guy...I can't bring myself to kiss her now, can barely look her in the eye tbh.

I always knew that she wasn't feeling as strongly as I was in the beginning, she was open about that and I was ok, that's normal, but I certainly didn't think that meant we would be kissing other people. She says she didn't go out looking for it, just a stupid thing that happened. But I spent the night reading back over the messages we exchanged around then, we were talking every day and pretty much a'll of that night. She was telling me that her friends were all asking about me and wanted to meet me. This stuff, coupled with my birthday 2 days before and us already having arranged for me to stay over for the first time the next night has me confused. To me that doesn't sound like someone who doesn't think they are in a serious relationship.
Is it just me?
Am I wrong here?
Do I just need to get over it and move on?

I feel like the foundations have been pulled from under me and the relationship. Clearly we are not where I thought we were, though things have been fantastic for the last month.

Apparently he was at her all night so she just gave in. They went to a party ( the whole group) but says nothing else happened.
She has met him since, again in a group and he tried again, she told him she is in a relationship. Why wouldn't she just have said that back then...

Sorry for the long post.

Typer Monkey

I understand the pain of betrayal and the analysing of every detail. I've been that soldier but I wonder why she told you this now? As you say it was very early days in your dating when it happened. It appears that since you began sleeping together or getting serious as such that she has been faithful. I really can't see what anybody gains from her sharing this information. I wonder why she blurted this information out in response to you telling her you loved her. Was it as a deflection, a smokescreen? If it were me I'd be focussing more on that

Tokyo

OP, I know what she told you isn't the nicest thing in the world to hear, but tbh, I get the feeling she wanted to get it off her chest now that things are getting more serious between you two. To be fair, she did openly tell you that she didn't feel as strongly as you did about things in the beginning, and it sounds very much like the two steps forward, one step back that can happen in that period of uncertainty. It was only three or four weeks into a "dating period" that she didn't have strong feelings for, she got drunk and kissed a guy. It happens.

Nobody can really tell you what to do here, it's really up to you to decide where you want to go from here. At the moment is sounds like you are beating yourself up, reading and re-reading text messages, making the whole thing bigger and bigger in your head. If it were me, and the girl seemed genuinely sorry, I'd let her know that it upset me, but I'd write it off as a teething problem, as long as I felt that it wouldn't happen again. She says that she has strong feelings for you, she says that those feelings have become stronger in the last month. You have to ask yourself whether you believe her. And if you do, if you are willing to let that go for one mistake.

LegacyUser

Op here again.
So we moved on from the last incident abd everything was great.
She was out last night and invited me in to meet her later. She had been out since lunch.
Anyway I got there abd she was hammered and decided to come out to meet me and go home.
On the way I found out that her friends had all left around 5 hours previously. Also that she had bumped into some other people, one of whom was the guy she kissed. He was after her again last night, asking was it serious with me, what could he do to be with her. He then invited her to go to another venue, with others, abd she was all on for going until I told her I was in town. In the taxi she let slip that he had been texting her but She didn't reply. Also that he had been complimenting her a'll night, abd that the two of them had been chatting alone about all this.

I don't know what to feel.

I think it's poor form to put herself in that situation when she was hammered. She doesn't remember anything about most of the night now. I actually feel a little sick. Whenever she goes out now I'm going to assume she has a good chance of meeting him and he will continue to chase her.

Any opinions or advice?

Stavro Mueller

Has she ever told the guy that she's not interested and to leave her alone?

maria34

Ah she loves drama does she? Telling you all these details etc. its even stressful to read all that stuff let alone to be in the situation.

Im pretty sure once you fall out with her she is quick over with this other lad.

People dont usually keep texting if they dont get answers or anything back. So she kinda encourages him does she?

GardenMadness

She seems to spend quite a lot of time "hammered" and doing stupid stuff on foot of that.

Has she a drinking problem or a personal responsibility problem?

Chazz Michael Michaels

back again wrote: »

Op here again.
So we moved on from the last incident abd everything was great.
She was out last night and invited me in to meet her later. She had been out since lunch.
Anyway I got there abd she was hammered and decided to come out to meet me and go home.
On the way I found out that her friends had all left around 5 hours previously. Also that she had bumped into some other people, one of whom was the guy she kissed. He was after her again last night, asking was it serious with me, what could he do to be with her. He then invited her to go to another venue, with others, abd she was all on for going until I told her I was in town. In the taxi she let slip that he had been texting her but She didn't reply. Also that he had been complimenting her a'll night, abd that the two of them had been chatting alone about all this.

I don't know what to feel.

I think it's poor form to put herself in that situation when she was hammered. She doesn't remember anything about most of the night now. I actually feel a little sick. Whenever she goes out now I'm going to assume she has a good chance of meeting him and he will continue to chase her.

Any opinions or advice?

I read your first post and thought, not a big deal. Then I read this post and I think, get rid of her now.

Riesen_Meal

This is a warning sign of things to come man, get out now or she will break your heart....

Penny Tration

OP, have you asked her why she feels the need to spend time alone with somebody who is completely disrespecting her relationship? By hanging out with this guy, she is showing very little respect for your relationship, too.

Is it a possibility that she still is not serious about the relationship, perhaps sees it as convenient for the moment?

In my experience, somebody who only wants you and nobody else, would not be hanging around someone who wants to get together and disrespects the relationship so much.

Her drinking also seems to be an issue, since she's apparently drawn to this guy while 'hammered.' Why the need to get so drunk?

Tbh I don't see your relationship lasting while she's showing such a lack of love and respect.

Try talking to her if you like, but I wouldn't expect much in the way of change from her.

jms2013

Too much drama, I'd walk.

kittycati

Def too much drama and headwreck at such early stage in relationship..early days meant to be the best and shouldnt have to be dealing with this drama!!

Tokyo

mike_ie wrote: »

If it were me, and the girl seemed genuinely sorry, I'd let her know that it upset me, but I'd write it off as a teething problem, as long as I felt that it wouldn't happen again.

I refer back to my original post then. It seems that you gave her her chance, and wrote it off as long as you felt that it wouldn't happen again.

While nothing has physically 'happened', it now sounds like this girl feeds off attention, and will take that attention wherever she can get it. Unfortunately this is something you can only find out after being with a person for a little while, which you have. I'm not saying that she'll jump into bed with every guy out there, but she certainly seems to like being the centre of attention, and if you are not around, she finds it somewhere else.

I think that you guys need to sit down and you need to tell her how you feel about all this. I don't think that it's too much that she tells this guy to back off with the text messages, that she is in a relationship, nor is it too much that your relationship and your feelings be a topic of open discussion with this guy. To be honest, if she was genuinely sorry then these are things she wouldn't be doing anyways.

If after all of that, you can't find a way to meet in the middle somewhere, then it might be time to find someone that is more suited to you.

Rhotheta

OP get out now. She has a destructive personality, she will bring you down with her.

suicide_circus

drama queen attention whore by the sound of things op. get rid of her, she thrives on pathetic dramas and will almost certainly get "hammered" and cheat on you. she doesn't sound like she has the emotional maturity to be in a relationship yet. wish her well and tell her to give you a shout when she has grown up a bit.

Jaggy

OP, Boards has spoken. Be done with it!

brinty

Op could be teething problems,she could thriving on attention and you might be her first serious relationship. I had a similar situation with my now wife. Similar to you there was a guy in her social circle and he tried all this on. She broke up with me and ended up snogging him on a drunken night out. She realised then that he was a prick and I was the person for her.i didn't make it easy when she told me about what happened but I could see she'd seen what she done.
So hope it works out. If it's meant yo bd it'll happen.

LegacyUser

Heythis is the third time that I know of them meeting, they kissed they first, the second she told him she has a boyfriend. They were discussing how serious we were last night apparently.

Last night was the first I had heard about txt messages, apparently he was giving out that she hadn't replied and asking was I the reason. She also said something, when drunk, about after talking about me they talked about her. I think this was to make me jealous but I don't know, I'm going to go talk to her about it now and say that I think it's inappropriate behaviour and disrespectful to me. Basically now I don't trust her, even though nothing happened, that I know of. I don't trust her judgement when drunk and I have no interest in having to follow her around to check up.

Thanks

LegacyUser

If i I were you, I would get rid. I had a similar girlfriend, she loved the drama, she also enjoyed telling me her dilemmas with other guys asking her out etc etc

She felt just because she was informing me and being honest that she could then carry on these games with other guys etc

We started going out about nov and I had got rid off her by Jan. life is too short to be with people who love drama, jealousy and mind games

fullstop

maria34 wrote: »

Ah she loves drama does she? Telling you all these details etc. its even stressful to read all that stuff let alone to be in the situation.

Im pretty sure once you fall out with her she is quick over with this other lad.

People dont usually keep texting if they dont get answers or anything back. So she kinda encourages him does she?

Sounds like she does. I had an ex like this, when she was out without me she used to tell me about this and that fella chatting her up and telling her she was the most beautiful girl in the bar etc. I was young at the time so it didn't bother me too much but thinking back it is a childish way to be acting and seemed like she wanted me to be jealous. Be very wary OP

Cork selfbuild

op again wrote: »

Heythis is the third time that I know of them meeting, they kissed they first, the second she told him she has a boyfriend. They were discussing how serious we were last night apparently.

Last night was the first I had heard about txt messages, apparently he was giving out that she hadn't replied and asking was I the reason. She also said something, when drunk, about after talking about me they talked about her. I think this was to make me jealous but I don't know, I'm going to go talk to her about it now and say that I think it's inappropriate behaviour and disrespectful to me. Basically now I don't trust her, even though nothing happened, that I know of. I don't trust her judgement when drunk and I have no interest in having to follow her around to check up.

Thanks

Reading the thread I was like ok, happened early on, it happens, all cleared up now...

But from your second post, I personally would be done with it, as this will continue, she will get drunk and this person or that person was saying this or that and she just gave in and hooked up with them, trust for me is when people are out drinking, most important, alcohol changes people, OH and I, have full trust with each other when we are out separately, we have a life together and our own lives...

We both love going out together but also with our friends and a lot of the time both groups of friends all go out together, if a seed of doubt is sowed this early on, it will forever eat you up, as I'd imagine your pretty close to a place now that you will not trust her out alone, this will eat you up, cause unnecessary fights and drive a wedge between you both.

I would take some time for yourself and work out can you deal with this drama, if not then you have your answer...

missjm

This girl is toxic and her behaviour will do nothing for your self esteem going forward. Move on. I wouldn't invest anymore in this relationship to be honest.

kittycati

Def move on..k at beginning she kissed someone else..not good move but forgivable. .but cmon like, no need to keep dragging it up..if she truly liked you she wouldn't give the other fella the time of day..discussing things with him???..you are worth far more than that..she doesn't deserve you whatsoever!

To Need a Woman

Well if I suspected something from Christmas, I would have come down on her like a pile of bricks until I got an answer out of her... instead of waiting until she told me herself. I'd never tell a girl I love though; because you need to have the upper hand. the only good thing of you doing so is that you found out the truth about that night. At least she told you though, at least she needed to tell you. Perhaps she couldn't live with a lie... and that's a good thing.

Relationships can be great, but I've always viewed them as a game. You're competing with your partner... there are certain things that you can't share with her

Reminds me of <video snipped by mod>

Chazz Michael Michaels

To Need a Woman wrote: »

Well if I suspected something from Christmas, I would have come down on her like a pile of bricks until I got an answer out of her... instead of waiting until she told me herself. I'd never tell a girl I love though; because you need to have the upper hand. the only good thing of you doing so is that you found out the truth about that night. At least she told you though, at least she needed to tell you. Perhaps she couldn't live with a lie... and that's a good thing.

Relationships can be great, but I've always viewed them as a game. You're competing with your partner... there are certain things that you can't share with her

Reminds me of <video snipped by mod>

You really have the wrong idea...

To Need a Woman

Chazz Michael Michaels wrote: »

You really have the wrong idea...

Where did I go wrong?? Anyway, how did ye guys meet?

Chazz Michael Michaels

To Need a Woman wrote: »

Where did I go wrong?? Anyway, how did ye guys meet?

Any relationship that is a game, isn't a relationship. I don't understand the second question.

Tokyo

To Need a Woman - I appreciate that you are a new member here, but I would like you to read the forum charter before posting here again. In particular, the nature of the RI forum being what it is, all advice given should be mature, constructive and helpful towards the OP. Posts along the lines of "Anyway, how did ye guys meet?" don't meet that criteria. Additionally, links to video clips or embedded video clips are banned in this forum.

Please read the charter thoroughly, as breaches of the charter are taken particularly seriously in the PI/RI forums, and do result in infractions and bans.


Chazz Michael Michaels - if you have an issue with something posted here, please use the 'report post' feature in future, rather than posting in-thread about it.

Regards,
Mike

To Need a Woman

Chazz Michael Michaels wrote: »

Any relationship that is a game, isn't a relationship. I don't understand the second question.

Do you really think that you could reveal everything about the way you feel to your partner(current issue aside) without looking weak? Show them you like them, but always hold back a bit.. it will keep them wanting more. I'm not so sure about just coming out and telling them you love them. I definitely wouldn't reveal everything about myself to a girl I felt strongly about. I'd fear I might regret it.

But I DO think you should reveal any new thoughts or questions you have about the actual thread issue to your gf[if possible, in a way that doesn't make it seem like you're dwelling on it too much(again, it's a game)]

It's usually a game until you get married, you just mightn't realise it yet.... and hopefully, neither does she!

Tramps Like Us

OP you should dump her, you'll only end up hurt and be worrying every time you she goes out without you

Sgt Pepper 64

Shes disrespecting you, dump her and get your dignity back