revenge?

Czarcasm

verodi wrote: »

So I decided I am not going to allow him to be in his daughter life anymore and his mum is not talking with him at the moment. I did use to tell me if he ever cheats on me I am not going to let him see the child anymore, which for me is fair he was having the time of his life and i was trying to get work, move and look after his daughter.

...

So my question is..do I go for revenge and punish them both or I will just stick with the idea that he is dead for me and my daughter?

OP I'll usually read an opening post like yours and try and empathise with where you're coming from. I can understand that your ex screwed you over, turned your life upside down, but what stood out for me too was the bit above in bold. Why would you have ever felt the need to say this to your boyfriend, your child's father? Was there other issues going on in the relationship?

"If you ever cheat on me you'll never see your child" are not the kind of things one partner says to another in a happy and healthy relationship!

You can try and convince yourself that your ex is "dead to you and your daughter" all you like, but -

a) Your ex isn't dead, and

b) You and your daughter are two separate individuals.


I'll be blunt OP and tell you straight out that you BOTH sound incredibly immature and selfish, and the only person I can empathise with in this situation is your two year old daughter who will suffer twice what you put your ex and his new girlfriend through if you carry on with these obsessive thoughts about revenge. It's wasted energy that you could be putting into making a better life for your daughter, who should be your real priority, not getting "revenge" on your ex.

What you're risking doing to your daughter OP and I've seen this, is turning her into a proper little man-hater, because the way you're talking now is exactly the same way as a girl I knew 14 years ago and her now 14 year old daughter, and the pair of them are almost like twins in their maturity level and their view of the opposite gender. It's despicable what this woman has turned her daughter into and you would be inflicting the same emotional damage on your daughter if you were to keep thinking the way you are about getting revenge on her father and "telling her the whole truth" when she's older.

The best thing you can do for you daughter is learn to forgive her father and learn to come to terms with the fact that nobody is perfect, that it didn't work out between you and her father but the one fantastic thing about your relationship is that you have a wonderful daughter together. Don't let her feel the same hurt you're feeling right now, none of this situation was her fault.

I would say to you too that you need to move out of your ex's parent's house. That's nothing but a toxic environment to bring your daughter up in when his mother isn't even talking to her own son. Think about the example that's setting for your daughter as she grows up. She won't stay a child forever and she will sense the fragmented family dynamics that are focussed around her, and whether you like it or not, no matter how much you or his mother blame your ex, your daughter is going to see herself as the common denominator and think all this is her fault.

Both you and your ex owe it to your daughter to sort out this mess before she's old enough to become aware of it and take on the burden that isn't hers to carry. You're all adults, you should be able to act like adults and set an example for your daughter instead of these childish, immature notions about "revenge".

beks101

macplato wrote: »

Op, you are mixing up two completely separate things here:

Thing no. 1 - Your relationship with your ex boyfriend.

Thing no. 2 - Your daughter's relationship with her father.

Your job as a mom is to encourage a healthy relationship between your child and her dad. You don't have to like him as a person, but if you want your child to grow up without major emotional issues, you need to respect your ex as your child's father.

He didn't treat you well, I admit, but unless you learn to be the bigger person here, and do whatever it takes to sort out your hostility towards him and let go of your desire for revenge, you will create a very unhappy child, who will grow up to be a very unhappy adult.

This is where the privilege of parenthood gets tested - can you sacrifice your pride for your child's happiness?

This may be the most important - and most true - post I've ever read in Personal Issues. Read it and re-read it OP.

OP, I can say as an adult that most people I meet have been fundamentally influenced and deeply affected by their early family life.

I've got friends who came from broken homes who are spending their adult dating lives seeking validation from men; I've got friends from homes where either parent was spoken ill of regularly in the family home due to that parent's own personal issue who grew up to have a skewed idea of what a healthy relationship is and struggle accordingly.

What you teach your child now about her father will affect her own self esteem, confidence, happiness, sense of security and world view as she grows older. And this isn't a lesson that can be untaught.

If you deprive her of her father, speak ill of him, make her feel like he just couldn't be aRsed spending time with her etc - she will grow up to believe all of these things. Do you want your child to believe she's not valuable enough to be worth her own father's time? That she was born out of hate, that you regret meeting the man who made her, that all men are dishonest, untrustworthy and a waste of time?

Think strongly about those things before you decide to enact petty revenge on this man, to make you feel a bit better about yourself, at your daughter's expense.

bp

Hi OP

I am glad to hear you have gained some perspective. It must be very difficult to separate your feelings of hurt from revenge. As others (and youself) have stated you need to give your daughter every opportunity to know her father and please please please try not to vilify him in front of her.

As she gets older she will sense your feelings and may turn against you because of it. I know you are mad and if you cannot stand to be in the same room as him have his parents (if they are talking) as a go between for drop offs and pick ups.

Let's not have another child grow up suffering because of their parents feelings for each other. I do see where you are coming from but your daughter needs someone to be the adult here.

Good luck and fair play on the job

Grayfoxy

verodi wrote: »

Hi all

Ok this is going to be a long post but I will try my best to keep it neat.
Almost one year ago my fiancee told me at the phone he doesn`t love me anymore(at the time I was back home doing exams in my home country).

I was in shock as I didn`t see it coming, I thought we have a nice relationship, a 11 month old baby at the time which we were so happy to have and just a happy family life.

I agreed to come back and take things slow, try to talk and see what happened but he wasn`t happy with anything I was saying so he decided to separate for good.

We had to give up our rented apartament and me and baby didnt have where to stay so his parents offered us to stay there untill we find something. It was a very hard time for me I didn`t understand at the time where all went wrong.

Meanwhile I found out little things, saw calls in the middle of the night to another number(landline bill) and I tried to ring this girl(only got the voicemail) and left her few messages.Funny enough he was ringing me back saying to leave the girl alone because she is just a friend, which was suspicious at the time but never had enough evidence to prove it.

Anyway I was still letting him see the child but he never had time for her, only recently he started taking her regularly.

So anyway going forward till 2 days ago when his mum told me that he brought one girl to the house(bare in mind he told everyone he was single for a whole year) and guess who she was...yes the same girl(if i can call her like that).

So I decided I am not going to allow him to be in his daughter life anymore and his mum is not talking with him at the moment .I did use to tell me if he ever cheats on me I am not going to let him see the child anymore, which for me is fair he was having the time of his life and i was trying to get work, move and look after his daughter.

For her I could have a lovely plan as well because he addmited now he did started seeing her before we broke up and she knew he has a family..which really its making her a s***.

So my question is..do I go for revenge and punish them both or I will just stick with the idea that he is dead for me and my daughter?

Hi Verodi,

If he did in fact cheat on you, he is a scumbag, no two ways about it, and she is no better knowing (if indeed she did know he had a family),

However, your child is also his child, and you have no right to keep him from seeing the child, nor the child from seeing him as an act of revenge, that is sick and disgusting.

You would be punishing him AND her, and that is simply not right. From what I see in your post, fair enough, he is an a**hole, but you have not mentioned about him being a bad father, having a drink/drug problem, being abusive, so effectively you want to use your daughter as a weapon against him for hurting you?

But let me put this straight, either the pair of you go to a solicitor to get maintenance/ custody days and so on set out, or family court, this will avoid potential problems in the future.

Stavro Mueller

verodi wrote: »

And for the people that are calling me hypocrite I hope you will never be in my shoes really...

The fact that you're misinterpreting the hypocrite comment goes to show how much you're confusing your break-up with your ex's rights to see his child. Reading back through your posts it would appear that he was a bit slow to step up to the fatherhood plate at the start and you were the one to push for that. Now that he is taking her regularly and possibly shaping up to be a good dad, you're turning around and trying to stop that? Sheesh - that makes you an even bigger hypocrite. If this observation stings, then so be it. The truth hurts.

Incidentally, do you get maintenance from him?

LegacyUser

Hi OP


I can completely understand you are angry and maybe just everything has gotten on top of you at the moment - understandable.

However, let me tell you a bit about my situation. I have posted about it anonymously before on threads similar to yours. I'm with my OH 3 years. He has a little daughter whom he had with a woman 7 years older than him. He hasnt seen his child since she was 6 months old.

Mother of child did just like you are proposing to do. He had a few one night stands with her and she promised him she was on the pill blah blah blah. Long story short (and they are both to blame) she fell pregnant. He was only 20 when this happened and thought the best thing to do would be to start a relationship with this woman. Be there for her and the baby.

When the baby was 3 months old, he told her he couldn't do the relationship thing with her, but that he would always be there for the baby no matter what. She flipped. Long story short, she fecked off, changed her number, and cancelled his direct debit of maintenance to her bank account. That's the last time he saw either of them, he's no idea where they are.

I'm stuck on the other side of this all the while, and believe me I constantly think about it.

What if I ran into her sometime? Would I recognise his child? If himself and I have kids they will have a half sister whom they might never know? How would I tell my kids that? Would they resent me and him for not doing more to gain access? Will his daughter be told all sorts of horrible untrue things about her father? Will she turn up at his door when she's 18? If I'm still with him, how am I going to deal with that?

I have tried and tried to help him, but I think he is that cut up about it, we dont even mention her name. It is totally swept under the carpet and I absolutely hate it. It's an unspoken thing with us, even though I always think about it and it goes without saying that he always thinks about it too.

You cannot be like this woman. And if you do go ahead with your plan, I pity your child.

You will be selfish to do this. And I wouldnt be one bit surprised if Karma comes back and bites you on the ass.. You would certainly deserve it. You cannot play with a child's life like that.

I dont even know my OH's ex, but I can tell you now, I will never forgive her for taking his child away.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, if your family support is at home in your own home country, then I don't think people could blame you if you moved home to that support. Being a single parent is tough, but it's really tough when you are at war with the father, yet depending on his family to support you, in a foreign country.

BUT if you do move home, you cannot do so with the threat of "you'll never see your daughter again". You have to do it with leaving him every chance and every opportunity to maintain a relationship with his child. If he doesn't take up that opportunity, then that is not your fault, and you can be proud that you've always had your daughter's interests at heart, even if he hasn't. You cannot force him to be in his daughter's life... but you CANNOT force him out of her life. Whether or not he is part of her life, must be down to him.

Why make it easy for him? Why make it easy for him to walk away and blame you? Your daughter will not be a baby forever. She will grow up to be a child, teenager and eventually an adult who will ask questions. Wouldn't you prefer to say "I left the door open", rather than "I took you and told him he'd never see you again".

Your relationship with him didn't work out. I wouldn't necessarily blame the other woman... if your relationship was strong she would have been irrelevant. Your relationship was eventually going to come to an end either way (Sorry, to say). You are not going to be the perfect family unit - but that doesn't mean it has to be "all or nothing" for your daughter.

If you need to move home, then do so. But make sure you leave the door open for him to have contact/visits. You can come back on holidays etc.

verodi

OP here, thanks everyone for input...
Someone was asking why I told him that if he ever cheats Ill take away the child...it was before 1-2 months we separated, the was keep telling me how his best friend is cheating on his girlfriend with some work colleague(looking back I think it was himself doing that and testing the water).Because if we ever agreed on something it was that if the time will come and one of us will want out of relationship we better sit down and have a chat then cheating, he did cheat on numerous time on his ex girlfriend so i never wanted to be like that.

So anyway no I am not trying to be a B****, there is many more things in the middle but thats all in the past now and the fact is that i took my own life in my hands and concentrated on raising my daughter and build a better future for both of us, when it would have been so easy to fall into a big depression, start drinking or god knows what.I was depressed for a long time but fortunately my daughter kept me going.
And still people think is ok these days to not commit to anything, is the same that you see a gorgeous girl/guy on the street and true you cant deny someones beauty but if everyone will think like my ex and take a step further then just looking/innocent flirting then im telling you will the world will be full of children that will not have a proper family.., I don`t know I have probably grew up with different values...

And to come to the conclusion I told him i want to meet him to talk about our daughter, in the end all i care is her and I want to give him the chance to show me I was wrong and that he wants actually to be in her life, so it will be a certain schedule from now on every week, because since i moved he only took her 4 nights in 3 months and then if thats going to happen that means his priority and responsibility is her as well and ill be happy with that if not then I tried...

As for the BIMBO that he is with...I am not going to do anything,the father agreed never to bring her in the childs life so I guess she is safe for the time being .

Big Bag of Chips

verodi wrote: »

the father agreed never to bring her in the childs life so I guess she is save for the time being .

You're still going wrong! Did you ask for this? Did he "agree"? What if he ends up marrying her? You cannot control his relationship with his daughter. Much as it might hurt you, you cannot control who he introduces to his child.

If you are serious about him being a father to her, then you have to trust him to be a father.

Nobody sets out to be a single parent. Looking down your nose at others who might not have the same "values" as you, isn't very nice. It doesn't matter about your values... You are now a single parent. It can happen anyone at anytime... As you are now aware. Would you have preferred to continue on a sham of a relationship just so it all looked perfect and respectable to others on the outside? Would you have been happy to stay with this fella for the next 50 years?

You have a long long road ahead of you. Your daughter is 2.. you have at least 16 years of having him in your lives. Even beyond that. At the moment you are hurt and angry. Which is understandable. In time you will accept that this relationship didn't work out as you planned, and you will feel less angry.

For the moment try to see the bigger picture. Try to see this time next year. 5 years time. 15 years time etc... And try not to do anything now, that you will come to be embarrassed about or regret in a few years.

verodi

I am not looking down on anyone but that doesnt mean that i have to agree with everyone...

Yes he said this and for the moment I am not going to allow this, would you want me to welcome her in our life and tell my daughter what a lovely person she is please let's not go that far away...

And of course is wrong to stay with someone just for the sake of child, as I was saying I never saw it coming and I asked him why he never had a reason till few days ago.
Fair enough if you don't love someone anymore u sit them down and tell them, you dont do that kind of things...

CaraMay

He probably told the girl he was single... Not sure why you are so nasty towards her. She didn't let you down.

verodi

CaraMay wrote: »

He probably told the girl he was single... Not sure why you are so nasty towards her. She didn't let you down.

No she did knew, me and my daugher used to shop there ) and i tried to confront her but she was afraid to talk back then..and that will tell you what kind of person she is..but sure you are right he is the first to blame but she is no saint

Big Bag of Chips

verodi wrote: »

would you want me to welcome her in our life and tell my daughter what a lovely person she is

You don't have to tell your daughter anything....... She's 2!!!

Anyway, I'm going to bow out of this thread now, as I think you don't really want advice from people. You want an outlet to vent.

I'm glad you have moved on from looking for revenge, although it doesn't sound like you really have.

I wish you well for the rest of your life, as I already said, you have a long road ahead of you.

December2012

You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hostility with the fact that you cannot separate these two - separate - situations you are in.

Situation 1. You and your ex have a child.

Situation 2. - your ex left you and is with another woman.

There is no overlap here. How we parent can be different to the rest of our lives.

You think what you are saying is best for your child, but it isn't. You are setting her up for a lifetime of managing your impossible expectations that she too will hate her father for cheating on you.

No matter what he will be her father for the rest of her life. You have input over how she feels about the situation.

Go to a therapist to sort out your hurt over the loss of your relationship.

Don't take it out on your child or her father.

LegacyUser

A word of warning for your own future OP:

My father had a **** childhood. Not abusive, not in poverty, but crap all the same. He betrayed my mother, which she decided to tell me on my 16th birthday. I hated him for about 5 years, I mean could barely look at him. I totally took my mothers side - because that was the only side I heard. He never tried to excuse himself, he never talked about it.

Since I grew up, I realised that while what he did was wrong, my mother was wrong in different ways. Not to the same extent; but she wanted to stay together, but yet killed him forever over his betrayal. And decided to tell me 'on the day you're an adult'.

I'll never forget the way she emotionally blackmailed him forever, I'll never forget the way she told me - or when she told me, and I'll never forgive her for poisoning my mind against my father. Ever. I've got over what I knew he did years ago; but I still hvent got over how she tried to drag me into it / play 'sides'. That one isn't going away: she tried her best to emotionally manipulate and play on the fears of a child. I can't ever forgive that. Ever. So no matter what my dad did, she is the one I won't trust, I won't forgive, and I can't love.

CaraMay

Think on OP wrote: »

A word of warning for your own future OP:

My father had a **** childhood. Not abusive, not in poverty, but crap all the same. He betrayed my mother, which she decided to tell me on my 16th birthday. I hated him for about 5 years, I mean could barely look at him. I totally took my mothers side - because that was the only side I heard. He never tried to excuse himself, he never talked about it.

Since I grew up, I realised that while what he did was wrong, my mother was wrong in different ways. Not to the same extent; but she wanted to stay together, but yet killed him forever over his betrayal. And decided to tell me 'on the day you're an adult'.

I'll never forget the way she emotionally blackmailed him forever, I'll never forget the way she told me - or when she told me, and I'll never forgive her for poisoning my mind against my father. Ever. I've got over what I knew he did years ago; but I still hvent got over how she tried to drag me into it / play 'sides'. That one isn't going away: she tried her best to emotionally manipulate and play on the fears of a child. I can't ever forgive that. Ever. So no matter what my dad did, she is the one I won't trust, I won't forgive, and I can't love.

Op ignore this post at your peril.

Stavro Mueller

OP, one of my friends grew up without her father in her life. It was something that she was conscious of in school and made her feel different. What really became an issue for her was the way her mother behaved. She refused to tell her anything about who her father was and when she did, she told lies. Kids aren't stupid. In the end it blew up into a massive issue over the mother's behaviour, rather than who her father actually was.

I don't know what sort of relationship you have with your ex's parents but if you go down this road you're going to stir up that nest of hornets too. They might not be speaking to their son at the moment but blood is thicker than water. You'd better budget for finding somewhere else to live and having to pay for people to mind your daughter when you're on your course.

ivytwine

Hey OP

My mother and father split when I was one. My dad met someone else- eventually my mother did too.

I loved my dad's girlfriend, she was great. My mother and her got on really well too.

But she was never my mother- I only had one of those.

I am 24 now and do you know why I have a good relationship with both my parents?

Because they had the maturity to realise that **** happens. People break up. That the child is the most important person in the equation, not the drama between the adults. The commitment comments in your earlier post? Bull. Total and utter bull.

Only a couple of decades ago in this country marriage was for life. And there were couples who, by the time they were in their 70s, held so much resentment and bitterness for each other that they didn't speak. I am sure every poster in this thread knows of one of example of this kind of dynamic.

Or if a girl fell pregnant her kid would be thrown in with nuns and treated like crap for its entire life, because of the 'shame' of how it was conceived. Meanwhile the mother would spend her life doing free labour for the state. All of this is common knowledge by the way.

Maybe people don't work as hard on their relationships anymore and that is a problem, however I'm glad we have the freedom to leave bad relationships.

You and your ex both sound immature and not a good match. However that doesn't mean that you can't be good parents. It does require growing up.

And as every other poster on this thread has said, that means forgetting revenge, keeping your dignity and putting your child first.

There's another Irish phrase- taking the high road. It means keeping your dignity in the face of insults and not descending to their level. You would be well advised to heed it.

ennis81

green_screen wrote: »

Ok, breaking up and cheating is horrible, but for god's sake do NOT use your child as a weapon like that. That's a really ddisgusting thing to do.

He and you broke up. He is allowed to date people. You need to accept that, to be blunt.

If only more people actually realised this and stopped screwing children up. You do not have the right to hinder your child's relationship with their father no matter what the circumstances of your break up were. I understand you are hurting but don't hurt your child

clairefontaine

I have not read the whole thread and am replying to OP.

This is the hurt talking and this hurt will pass. Do not make decisions on the basis of temporary feelings. There are long term consequences to consider, ones you might never imagine.

Right now, in the throws of new motherhood, it is exhausting and isolating. This leaves no time to get perspective or to heal. It would actually do all of you a lot good if he took the child more so you can get some headspace.

Ireland is the only place I have ever seen a single mother spat on. I think those old residues of tertiary status are still at play, lingering in the air, and you might feel this is where he has put you.

If you are choosing to distance yourself and the child because you need that time to heal, that is one thing, or if it is because you have serious concerns about the welfare of the baby in his company, that is also one thing.

But if you are doing it for revenge, you can be guaranteed you will be stabbed with your own dagger.

Neyite

The best revenge here is your own happiness.

Its clear from your posts that you are still not fully over your ex, and his horrible betrayal of you. That's understandable and likely you were doing grand until you realised the other woman is on the scene, and it confirmed your suspicions at the time.

Think about what she has got here. She gained a cheat, a liar and a crap dad. She will wonder about every woman that he is in contact with, after all, she knows he cheated on you with her. Even if they got engaged, or had a child, she still knows he is capable of that. Not much of a prize there really. So dont worry about revenge on her - she's got him. I think that is revenge enough. And maybe you can have a little private smug smile when he does the same to her.

It would make them look much better if you are painted as the crazy ex, and glosses over his crap parenting and cheating. Every time you get worked up about their relationship, it tells him you still care about him. Don't let that happen. Keep your dignity, your pride and your self respect. .

Down the line, it may very well be that he could be living with her, and when your daughter goes to stay with them, especially if there are more children. You will want your daughter treated equally, kindly and loved in their home - so you never need to be friends with her, or even like her, but its in your child's best interests.

If you need to move home to get support, then do so. You are unmarried so he has few rights to his child legally. But I would urge you here to be generous and fair with regard to access and visitation. Remember your child has grandparents that did nothing wrong, who would be devastated if they didn't ever see her.

verodi

OP here.
I am thankful for all the advice.
I think I was so hurt because for a while everyone thought i was paranoid thinking that he would ever cheat.

But everyone is right, I could not take him away from his daughter, I want him to be in her life thats why I stayed here and I know no one else would replace her dad. All I want from him is to be a good father and without pushing from me or family he would never take the child over night. Because the child is minded by his mum while I am in work he thinks is ok to see her every second day for 1 hour.
I dont agree with that because that means I never actually get a brake from everything, I have no time for anything except work and parenting.
In the last 3 week he took her one night per week, but he refuses to take her in weekends and I am telling him I need as well time to enjoy myself and so, and his answer was well I hope you are not looking for a relationship or thinking to start a family, which I think is unfair.
And yes maybe the best revenge for her is him, we still slept together till may-june or so, and he was always trying for something when meeting up...so I mean yeah she can keep him plus the fact that he told everyone he is single for 1 year makes me feel actually sorry for her .

So yes I am hoping he will take seriously parenting from now on because in the end we both made her and he needs to grow up and realize that, but I am not sure that will happen...and in that case I can say at least I have tried.

verodi

Hmm...logging in after few years...seeing this post and I am actually cringing . Thank you again for all the constructive advice

Yellow pack crisps

Give the woman a break! She is hurt and all her expectation she had of a family unit has been taken away from her. Looking after a new born on your own can make anyone get angry and resentful.

Op

When you find your own happiness this won’t seem like a big deal. Rather than anchor your own anger into your ex do the opposite! Encourage him to take care of his child, get proper access, get a routine that gives you a free few days per week to focus on yourself. Get out and have a social life, date, have fun and get to know yourself again,he wasn’t for you, it happens, your chance kiss happiness is important to you, your adult relationship with her father is of no business to her. Never speak ill of him in her company because nations will always speak loudest to your daughter. Forming memories, positive memories is what she needs and will cherish. Best of luck and a hug.

Caranica

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Give the woman a break! She is hurt and all her expectation she had of a family unit has been taken away from her. Looking after a new born on your own can make anyone get angry and resentful.

Op

When you find your own happiness this won’t seem like a big deal. Rather than anchor your own anger into your ex do the opposite! Encourage him to take care of his child, get proper access, get a routine that gives you a free few days per week to focus on yourself. Get out and have a social life, date, have fun and get to know yourself again,he wasn’t for you, it happens, your chance kiss happiness is important to you, your adult relationship with her father is of no business to her. Never speak ill of him in her company because nations will always speak loudest to your daughter. Forming memories, positive memories is what she needs and will cherish. Best of luck and a hug.

It's a 4 year old thread

Yellow pack crisps

Jaysis!

verodi

well thank you anyway , that is exactly what I did in the end.