revenge?

verodi

Hi all

Ok this is going to be a long post but I will try my best to keep it neat.
Almost one year ago my fiancee told me at the phone he doesn`t love me anymore(at the time I was back home doing exams in my home country).

I was in shock as I didn`t see it coming, I thought we have a nice relationship, a 11 month old baby at the time which we were so happy to have and just a happy family life.

I agreed to come back and take things slow, try to talk and see what happened but he wasn`t happy with anything I was saying so he decided to separate for good.

We had to give up our rented apartament and me and baby didnt have where to stay so his parents offered us to stay there untill we find something. It was a very hard time for me I didn`t understand at the time where all went wrong.

Meanwhile I found out little things, saw calls in the middle of the night to another number(landline bill) and I tried to ring this girl(only got the voicemail) and left her few messages.Funny enough he was ringing me back saying to leave the girl alone because she is just a friend, which was suspicious at the time but never had enough evidence to prove it.

Anyway I was still letting him see the child but he never had time for her, only recently he started taking her regularly.

So anyway going forward till 2 days ago when his mum told me that he brought one girl to the house(bare in mind he told everyone he was single for a whole year) and guess who she was...yes the same girl(if i can call her like that).

So I decided I am not going to allow him to be in his daughter life anymore and his mum is not talking with him at the moment .I did use to tell me if he ever cheats on me I am not going to let him see the child anymore, which for me is fair he was having the time of his life and i was trying to get work, move and look after his daughter.

For her I could have a lovely plan as well because he addmited now he did started seeing her before we broke up and she knew he has a family..which really its making her a s***.

So my question is..do I go for revenge and punish them both or I will just stick with the idea that he is dead for me and my daughter?

Penny Tration

Ok, breaking up and cheating is horrible, but for god's sake do NOT use your child as a weapon like that. That's a really ddisgusting thing to do.

He and you broke up. He is allowed to date people. You need to accept that, to be blunt.

Tokyo

So.... you are going to effectively punish your daughter for the actions of her father, by eliminating him from her life? How long do you think it will take before she becomes bitter at you for doing so?

Taltos

OK OP I am going to put this simply.

You have NO rights telling your babies father that he and the child cannot see each other any more.
No rights - nada - none - zero - zilch.

Now - if you try to force this he may take you to court and sue for full custody. He may or may not win.
Either way - your relationship with this guy - whether he is a liar or not must have no bearing on the relationship he builds with his child.

Your child is not a pawn to be used by you or anyone to punish him. How would you feel if he did sue and win custody only to then deny you any visitation rights?

In terms of his mother telling you details on his personal life - she needs to stop doing that, she is risking her own relationship and you have to tell her that from today you cannot hear anymore tales.

RoadWars2013

OP - you don't own the child he is as entitled as you are to see his child. Just because use two have your issues don't use your daughter to get revenge.
That's bad for him and bad for her.

I hate hearing this women think they can control when men she there children (

zxcvbnm1

OP - you sound like an utter psycho.

Out of curiosity - what kind of revenge do you have in mind ? (Obviously not allowing your child see her dad is not even revenge in your head as this is the alternative to revenge )

miamee

I'm sorry to hear about the break up, OP. It sounds like he hasn't been very honest with you and been sneaking around behind your back which is childish and unkind.

However.

It is not ok to punish your daughter by keeping her away from her daddy. He might be a total idiot in your eyes but he is the only father she has. Just because he was a crap boyfriend to you at the end does NOT mean that he will be a crap dad.

verodi

OP here,
Sorry guys but a father is someone that raise you and takes care of you, not someone that visits you when he feels like.
He never had the child over night, he never bathed her, or wake up with her when she is sick...

I do understand where everyone is coming, I stayed in Ireland so they can her a relationship at least for the moment, please think that if it wasnt for his parents I would have gone back home with the child anyway and he was just fine with that so he can enjoy his moment.

I am sorry I cant accept it.

Penny Tration

If you cannot accept that you are completely wrong and frankly doing a horrible, nasty, childish thing, then I will bow out of this thread and wish you luck when it inevitably goes to court.

Tokyo

verodi wrote: »

OP here,
Sorry guys but a father is someone that raise you and takes care of you, not someone that visits you when he feels like.
He never had the child over night, he never bathed her, or wake up with her when she is sick...

I do understand where everyone is coming, I stayed in Ireland so they can her a relationship at least for the moment, please think that if it wasnt for his parents I would have gone back home with the child anyway and he was just fine with that so he can enjoy his moment.

I am sorry I cant accept it.

This has got NOTHING to do with your initial post. Like it or not the father has just as much right to be a part of his child's life as you are, at least in terms of being acknowledged as the kids father. Whether he decides to be a deadbeat dad or not, well the ball is in his court. But you effectively declaring him dead to your child because of YOUR issues with him..... that's not your call to make.

Meauldsegosha

Taking revenge on your ex or his girlfriend will only reflect badly on you. You will look childish and petty.

You can't stop your ex for seeing his daughter. Obviously you are upset at the moment but try to think of 5 or 10 years into the future. What are you going to say to your daughter when she finds out you kept her away for her father.

As hard as it seems at the moment you have to take a step back, calm down and forget about revenge. Also if his mother tries to tell you things about him amd his girlfriend ask her to stop.

December2012

You can judge him all you like but you are wrong to think it is ok to stop him seeing his child.

He left you.

And the fact that you are considering being so spiteful and vengeful May be part of the reason why. What you are thinking of doing is not the thoughts of a calm and rational person, instead it is being manipulative and using a child as a chess piece.

verodi

Well excuse me all didn`t know this was going to turn out like this as in everyone getting angry ...It was just something that was in my head with the revenge thats why I wanted to see what other people think, wasnt a big thing, but I hate women like her and obviously men like him ).

And no I am not mad I am just someone that was hurt , betrayed and angry that my child will never grow up with both of parents, because one of them decided to cheat.The truth is that there is no more commitment these days and he admitted that he didnt expect life to be that hard when you have a child...but anyway thanks everyone for your thoughts.

Johnner101

He is probably only a kid by the sounds of things .

The fact that his mum took you and the baby in makes me think that this guy probably is too immature to look after you guys and his mum feels guilty\ashamed of his actions and she stepped in


It might be a few years before this guy grows up and he will probably want to be a kid for a few more years yet

You should try focus on yourself and your kid and try build a life for yourself and just hope this guy wants to be some sort of father to his kid in the future

Stavro Mueller

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Obviously you are upset at the moment but try to think of 5 or 10 years into the future. What are you going to say to your daughter when she finds out you kept her away for her father.

^^ This

I hope you aren't as poisonous as this normally because if you are, I pity your daughter. I understand you're very bitter over what happened but it does not give you the right to be judge, jury and executioner.

If your ex doesn't want to be bothered with his daughter, then that's a whole other issue. But if he wants to play a part in her life and to help bring her up, then who are you to deny him that right? You hate him because he was a crap partner. That is not the grounds to judge him on how good a father he may be.

Sorry guys but a father is someone that raise you and takes care of you, not someone that visits you when he feels like.
He never had the child over night, he never bathed her, or wake up with her when she is sick...

I'd love to hear your ex's side of this. Maybe he's keeping his distance because of the way you've been behaving? If he's not used to small children he might be nervous of being alone with her. And if he senses that you're waiting for an excuse to twist the knife, he may prefer to stay away for now.

Chara1001

My God OP,

A horrible thing to have happen to you, you're absolutely right- you're hurt so obviously your daughter should be kept away from her father. At least until you meet someone and you're not upset about him anymore.

Is this what you want to hear? Because I have no idea why you've written that post.

Do not think for one minute you can come here and get validation from us strangers that using your daughter as a tool to exact petty revenge for yourself is justifiable.
Its not about just you and your feelings, and your pride, and what you can accept or not.
Do you see harming your daughter a suitable price to pay for your hurt feelings?
Because that's what you're going to do. To be abandoned as you were with a young baby is a disgusting thing to do- but guess what- so is this

Meauldsegosha

verodi wrote: »

And no I am not mad I am just someone that was hurt , betrayed and angry that my child will never grow up with both of parents, .

You child can grow up with both parents. They may not live in the same house but they can both be present in her life. If you stop you're daughter from seeing her father then you are responsible for her not having both parents in her life.

It is understandable that you are hurt and angry and generally decisions made when feeling like that are bad decisions. Take some time before you make a final decision that will ultimately hurt your daughter.

Stavro Mueller

verodi wrote: »

Well excuse me all didn`t know this was going to turn out like this as in everyone getting angry ...It was just something that was in my head with the revenge thats why I wanted to see what other people think, wasnt a big thing, but I hate women like her and obviously men like him ).

And no I am not mad I am just someone that was hurt , betrayed and angry that my child will never grow up with both of parents, because one of them decided to cheat.The truth is that there is no more commitment these days and he admitted that he didnt expect life to be that hard when you have a child...but anyway thanks everyone for your thoughts.

Maybe having a reality check will stop you and your vile plan in its tracks. You might hate people like your ex and his woman but many people hate parents who deliberately keep their children away from their fathers (or mothers). How would you feel if your ex took your daughter away to another country and refused to let you have her back?

And you are being an utter hypocrite with your second paragraph. If you deny your ex access to your daughter then you are truly making sure she won't grow up with both parents. Two loving parents who live apart are a hell of a lot better than two warring ones who are together.

Oh, and your ex isn't the first person to admit that they didn't realise life would be so hard when they had a child. It's not a hanging offence - you're just looking for excuses to keep your daughter away

macplato

Op, you are mixing up two completely separate things here:

Thing no. 1 - Your relationship with your ex boyfriend.

Thing no. 2 - Your daughter's relationship with her father.

Your job as a mom is to encourage a healthy relationship between your child and her dad. You don't have to like him as a person, but if you want your child to grow up without major emotional issues, you need to respect your ex as your child's father.

He didn't treat you well, I admit, but unless you learn to be the bigger person here, and do whatever it takes to sort out your hostility towards him and let go of your desire for revenge, you will create a very unhappy child, who will grow up to be a very unhappy adult.

This is where the privilege of parenthood gets tested - can you sacrifice your pride for your child's happiness?

verodi

Op Here,
I am actually glad I wrote here ..I got some perspective and I see things clearer now...I will take a step back and think what is best for my child, at the end of the day she is everything to me. If when she will grow up and want to know the truth about her dad i will tell her everything and then she will be able to take a decision for herself.

SScope

Hi OP,

I understand that you are hurt and I agree that what your ex did to YOU was a ****ty thing to do.

That said using your daughter as leverage or holding her to ranson to get back at her father is as bad if not worse than what has been done to you. I was on the other side of this as my sons mother (who needed things with me and I had full contact with my son until he was 4) decided that I couldn't see him if I went through with my wedding. My son knew my then fiancé, my family and we had a great routine that I never once changed or missed.

Now I had to go to court (and while this did take what seemed to me forever) and I got proper visitation through the court it really didn't have to be that way. Also while I lost out on a few months with my son and it hurt, do you want to guess who the really hurt person was in the whole thing??? My son who was told I didn't want to see him as I didn't love him anymore. I still have to (in my mind) make up for this every time I see/talk to him.

You are only going to hurt your daughter with your actions and in the long run this could/will make her resent you for it.

verodi

And for the people that are calling me hypocrite I hope you will never be in my shoes really...

Ann84

HI OP,

I am very sorry to hear what has happened to you, your ex sounds like a pretty selfish guy! The good news is, he is not your problem anymore and the best revenge on either of them is each other, a cheater and the girl who cheated with a new Dad, I'm sure they will be very happy together!
Now, your life has changed a lot, and you have 2 choices, spend your life looking at him and being bitter.., or look at yourself and finding your happiness!
It can't be nice living with his parents, even if they are lovely, it must be a constant reminder of him... You need to get out and onto your own two feet. Take baby steps, give yourself 6 months to get a home set up, then step 2, get a formal access AND maintenance arrangement in place... (this can be done through mediation if both people agree!)
Then, step 3, start a new life for yourself... Try to get some nights off, you'll need them to meet new people, maybe even a lovely New boyfriend!

I give this advice from experience, I was exactly where you are almost, and it's horrible! I am 4 years on, share parent with my horrible ex (who is a great dad but still a complete arse in my eyes!) and I have met a lovely guy who is nothing like my ex!
I know it's easy to get so angry looking at him off having a new life, so don't... Get yourself a new life too, baby steps!

Mind yourself

macplato

verodi wrote: »

Op Here,
I am actually glad I wrote here ..I got some perspective and I see things clearer now...I will take a step back and think what is best for my child, at the end of the day she is everything to me. If when she will grow up and want to know the truth about her dad i will tell her everything and then she will be able to take a decision for herself.

That sounds good, OP. Just please remember, that the nature of your relationship with your ex is very different to your daughter's relationship with him. She doesn't need to know the intimate details of what happened between the two of you, not now, not even when she grows up. Let her get to know him as a dad, not as her mother's useless ex. Let her make up her own mind about him.

Chara1001

Op,

I don't know if it helps you to hear that you're not alone. I am also a single mother like you and I became single when the baby was a few weeks old. He's now almost 18 months and the relationship between his father and I isn't great.

You've got to be able to separate your relationship with your ex from your daughters' relationship with her father, I think that's the main thing. Even though he treated you abhorrently and it was a terrible thing to do to you, her relationship with her father is completely outside that. Do you see what I mean?

Even though I would prefer my ex to be out of my life entirely, he can't be because he wants a relationship with his son, and I could never ever deprive him of that. It would just be too much of a terrible thing to do and as angry as I might ever be with him, my conscience could never let me.
I guess you're extremely angry and hurt, it's totally understandable from what has happened, and I'm really glad to hear you're rethinking your awful idea.

Best thing to do is move on and let him go also.
Good luck

LegacyUser

Hi Verodi,

I often read boards.ie but rarely reply unless I feel cannot not reply! Your post is one I felt I had to reply to.

I'm sorry to hear of the pain you've gone through and are still going through and I can't imagine how hard it's been for you. I'm guessing the reactions you have received here seem harsh to you but when it comes to using your daughter to get revenge against her father, it's simply wrong and not fair on your daughter and deep down you probably know that's true. Forget about him for a moment and think about what's best for your daughter. I understand how you must feel having gone through so much and I want to share my thoughts.

I have no doubt you feel great anger against your ex and rightly so. First I want you to think of yourself; look at how much you have achieved. You've made the brave move of coming to live in a foreign country where you've made a successful life for yourself, you've got a beautiful daughter, you've passed your exams, got yourself a job... and survived all that stress and all the bad stuff with your ex! Now that tells me you are a very strong and clever person. Think about that for a while. Take encouragement by looking of all the successful things you've made happen for yourself. Now, if you've done all that it tells me you can do just about anything you set your mind to. You will get through all this pain of what your ex did. It's not right and it's not fair on you and your daughter and he doesn't deserve to have either of you in his life but it's not as simple of denying him and your daughter a relationship.

In the end, you will have to facilitate them having a relationship..whether he plays his part to make that happen is up to him. If you can get your head around this and accept it then I suggest you try to handle this by being as civil and mature about it as you can. Ultimately to handle it that way it will make it easier for all 3 of you..and from your point of view the key is that it will make things easier for you.

Don't let him win by turning you into a bitter person. There is an expression in English that goes; "the best revenge is living well"! Take that as your plan for "revenge". Live a full, happy life. Make the things you dream about happen....you're certainly capable of it. Someday you will look back at all the crap that your ex put you through and you know what..it won't upset you. It will be in the past and you will be so happy living the life that you want that it won't bother you. I'm not saying what he did doesn't matter. His actions are hurtful and a total betrayal. He certainly doesn't deserve someone as good as you and ultimately that's his loss. I know you're feeling pain and you need to do whatever you need to do to deal with it. Get whatever support you need, talk to family, friends or whoever can help. Read books on people who've been in your situation and come through it and take what can help you from that. Be kind to yourself. It's tough now but it will get better. Please don't stay bitter. It won't help you and it will transfer onto your daughter. I'm sure you don't want your daughter to grow up with a pessamistic view of life.

I've gone on long enough so I'll finish up by saying I wish you well. Try to be optimistic, things will get better :-)

Ave Sodalis

verodi wrote: »

And for the people that are calling me hypocrite I hope you will never be in my shoes really...

OP, you were called a hypocrite because you said you wanted your daughter to have both parents whilst wanting to take her father away from her. That would be hypocritical. It's not an insult, that just is what it is.

There are many people in your shoes. Being a single parent generally has no negative effects on the child unless you show your hatred for the father to the child (taking the father away would do this). Only then (as well as not making sure the child knows parents aren't getting back together) will it cause problems, as the child becomes conflicted. I am the daughter of a single mother and I know many others so see how it pans out for each type of mother-father relationship and how it handled.

hoodwinked

verodi wrote: »

Op Here,
I am actually glad I wrote here ..I got some perspective and I see things clearer now...I will take a step back and think what is best for my child, at the end of the day she is everything to me. If when she will grow up and want to know the truth about her dad i will tell her everything and then she will be able to take a decision for herself.

op its pretty obvious you are hurt and angry right now, you HAVE to see past that.


as a child of divorced and at war parents, it really messed me up, each one used me as a weapon to hurt the other, and it left a pretty destructive path in its wake,

but one thing i want to say to you is, children are not stupid, they grow up, when i asked my mum the awkward questions "why doesn't my dad live with us? (around 7 or 8 years old)" "why did my dad leave(around 11 or 12 years old)" "when did your relationship with him break up? (i was around 15)"

she either blew me off or fobbed me off with answers that wouldn't make me hate him, and i hated her, i always felt like it was her fault he left, i was wrong only at 21 years of age (with help from a counsellor i was seeing for other issues) did i put 2 and 2 together and got 4.

i was 21, at 18 i tried to build a relationship with him and he started filling my head with crap, on top of my previous problems it wreaked havoc, so i didn't put it together when him and my step mum were claiming they met 19 years ago, in fact they still claimed they 'got together' the year before i was born, (and i was an accident with a shotgun wedding following)

so no please don't tell your child everything, my mother never did and it was the best thing she ever did for me. at the time i blamed her (again other issues were at play here so don't feel like your child will hate you)

but children aren't stupid, they grow up, they learn right from wrong and your child will make their own mind up when presented with the facts and will love you more for protecting them.

verodi

Op here, what I want everyone to understand is that when he decided leave us he knew I was going to go home, because l have no family here, and he was just fine with that even offered to pay for the tickets so didnt make any effort to keep his daughter here but because I said i want him in her life and his parents offered to help as they love her very much I decided to stay despite was only me that knew how hard it was.

Thank God I stayed focus, I started a course, found a place for me and my daughter after 8 months and finally I secured a very good job, which I am all grateful for I know that there are people in a much worse situation then mine.

But still I felt so much anger when I found out he cheated and I feel that if i wasnt pushing and wanted him to have a relation with his daughter, I wouldnt have been in Ireland anyway.

Eeden

It is entirely possible to separate from someone and yet not use your child as a pawn in your war.

You have to realise that while you are better off without your partner, your child still benefits so much from having two parents who are involved with them (unless the other parent is violent or dangerous in some other way).

It's not easy. It means that you have to deal with a person that you would rather cut out of your life. But it's SO important for your child -- you just have to do it.

It also means - very definitely - that you cannot say bad things about your ex to your child, or in any other way imply bad things about them, including rolling your eyes, sighing exasperatedly whenever their name is brought up, etc. You just can't let bitterness show. It's not fair to your child.

Tokyo

verodi wrote: »

And for the people that are calling me hypocrite I hope you will never be in my shoes really...

For sure, I hope so too. But re-read your initial post, and you have to understand why people thought you were being hypocritical by wanting to hurt somebody who hurt you, by using your child as the weapon to do just that. Your later posts show a lot more sign of reason, and for that I'm glad, for you and your child.

I'm not one for using proverbs to solve all of lifes problems, but one proverb that has held true all of my life is this:

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves"

Should you decide to invest your energy in hurting your ex, sure, you might succeed in getting revenge, but you'll find that you'll end up hurting yourself too in the process, and, in your case, your child as well. Surely it's better to invest that energy in raising your child as well as you can, and allowing her father to be part of her life so that she at least knows what it is like to have two parents, even though they aren't together?