revenge?

verodi

Hi all

Ok this is going to be a long post but I will try my best to keep it neat.
Almost one year ago my fiancee told me at the phone he doesn`t love me anymore(at the time I was back home doing exams in my home country).

I was in shock as I didn`t see it coming, I thought we have a nice relationship, a 11 month old baby at the time which we were so happy to have and just a happy family life.

I agreed to come back and take things slow, try to talk and see what happened but he wasn`t happy with anything I was saying so he decided to separate for good.

We had to give up our rented apartament and me and baby didnt have where to stay so his parents offered us to stay there untill we find something. It was a very hard time for me I didn`t understand at the time where all went wrong.

Meanwhile I found out little things, saw calls in the middle of the night to another number(landline bill) and I tried to ring this girl(only got the voicemail) and left her few messages.Funny enough he was ringing me back saying to leave the girl alone because she is just a friend, which was suspicious at the time but never had enough evidence to prove it.

Anyway I was still letting him see the child but he never had time for her, only recently he started taking her regularly.

So anyway going forward till 2 days ago when his mum told me that he brought one girl to the house(bare in mind he told everyone he was single for a whole year) and guess who she was...yes the same girl(if i can call her like that).

So I decided I am not going to allow him to be in his daughter life anymore and his mum is not talking with him at the moment .I did use to tell me if he ever cheats on me I am not going to let him see the child anymore, which for me is fair he was having the time of his life and i was trying to get work, move and look after his daughter.

For her I could have a lovely plan as well because he addmited now he did started seeing her before we broke up and she knew he has a family..which really its making her a s***.

So my question is..do I go for revenge and punish them both or I will just stick with the idea that he is dead for me and my daughter?

Penny Tration

Ok, breaking up and cheating is horrible, but for god's sake do NOT use your child as a weapon like that. That's a really ddisgusting thing to do.

He and you broke up. He is allowed to date people. You need to accept that, to be blunt.

Tokyo

So.... you are going to effectively punish your daughter for the actions of her father, by eliminating him from her life? How long do you think it will take before she becomes bitter at you for doing so?

Taltos

OK OP I am going to put this simply.

You have NO rights telling your babies father that he and the child cannot see each other any more.
No rights - nada - none - zero - zilch.

Now - if you try to force this he may take you to court and sue for full custody. He may or may not win.
Either way - your relationship with this guy - whether he is a liar or not must have no bearing on the relationship he builds with his child.

Your child is not a pawn to be used by you or anyone to punish him. How would you feel if he did sue and win custody only to then deny you any visitation rights?

In terms of his mother telling you details on his personal life - she needs to stop doing that, she is risking her own relationship and you have to tell her that from today you cannot hear anymore tales.

RoadWars2013

OP - you don't own the child he is as entitled as you are to see his child. Just because use two have your issues don't use your daughter to get revenge.
That's bad for him and bad for her.

I hate hearing this women think they can control when men she there children (

zxcvbnm1

OP - you sound like an utter psycho.

Out of curiosity - what kind of revenge do you have in mind ? (Obviously not allowing your child see her dad is not even revenge in your head as this is the alternative to revenge )

miamee

I'm sorry to hear about the break up, OP. It sounds like he hasn't been very honest with you and been sneaking around behind your back which is childish and unkind.

However.

It is not ok to punish your daughter by keeping her away from her daddy. He might be a total idiot in your eyes but he is the only father she has. Just because he was a crap boyfriend to you at the end does NOT mean that he will be a crap dad.

verodi

OP here,
Sorry guys but a father is someone that raise you and takes care of you, not someone that visits you when he feels like.
He never had the child over night, he never bathed her, or wake up with her when she is sick...

I do understand where everyone is coming, I stayed in Ireland so they can her a relationship at least for the moment, please think that if it wasnt for his parents I would have gone back home with the child anyway and he was just fine with that so he can enjoy his moment.

I am sorry I cant accept it.

Penny Tration

If you cannot accept that you are completely wrong and frankly doing a horrible, nasty, childish thing, then I will bow out of this thread and wish you luck when it inevitably goes to court.

Tokyo

verodi wrote: »

OP here,
Sorry guys but a father is someone that raise you and takes care of you, not someone that visits you when he feels like.
He never had the child over night, he never bathed her, or wake up with her when she is sick...

I do understand where everyone is coming, I stayed in Ireland so they can her a relationship at least for the moment, please think that if it wasnt for his parents I would have gone back home with the child anyway and he was just fine with that so he can enjoy his moment.

I am sorry I cant accept it.

This has got NOTHING to do with your initial post. Like it or not the father has just as much right to be a part of his child's life as you are, at least in terms of being acknowledged as the kids father. Whether he decides to be a deadbeat dad or not, well the ball is in his court. But you effectively declaring him dead to your child because of YOUR issues with him..... that's not your call to make.

Meauldsegosha

Taking revenge on your ex or his girlfriend will only reflect badly on you. You will look childish and petty.

You can't stop your ex for seeing his daughter. Obviously you are upset at the moment but try to think of 5 or 10 years into the future. What are you going to say to your daughter when she finds out you kept her away for her father.

As hard as it seems at the moment you have to take a step back, calm down and forget about revenge. Also if his mother tries to tell you things about him amd his girlfriend ask her to stop.

December2012

You can judge him all you like but you are wrong to think it is ok to stop him seeing his child.

He left you.

And the fact that you are considering being so spiteful and vengeful May be part of the reason why. What you are thinking of doing is not the thoughts of a calm and rational person, instead it is being manipulative and using a child as a chess piece.

verodi

Well excuse me all didn`t know this was going to turn out like this as in everyone getting angry ...It was just something that was in my head with the revenge thats why I wanted to see what other people think, wasnt a big thing, but I hate women like her and obviously men like him ).

And no I am not mad I am just someone that was hurt , betrayed and angry that my child will never grow up with both of parents, because one of them decided to cheat.The truth is that there is no more commitment these days and he admitted that he didnt expect life to be that hard when you have a child...but anyway thanks everyone for your thoughts.

Johnner101

He is probably only a kid by the sounds of things .

The fact that his mum took you and the baby in makes me think that this guy probably is too immature to look after you guys and his mum feels guilty\ashamed of his actions and she stepped in


It might be a few years before this guy grows up and he will probably want to be a kid for a few more years yet

You should try focus on yourself and your kid and try build a life for yourself and just hope this guy wants to be some sort of father to his kid in the future

Stavro Mueller

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Obviously you are upset at the moment but try to think of 5 or 10 years into the future. What are you going to say to your daughter when she finds out you kept her away for her father.

^^ This

I hope you aren't as poisonous as this normally because if you are, I pity your daughter. I understand you're very bitter over what happened but it does not give you the right to be judge, jury and executioner.

If your ex doesn't want to be bothered with his daughter, then that's a whole other issue. But if he wants to play a part in her life and to help bring her up, then who are you to deny him that right? You hate him because he was a crap partner. That is not the grounds to judge him on how good a father he may be.

Sorry guys but a father is someone that raise you and takes care of you, not someone that visits you when he feels like.
He never had the child over night, he never bathed her, or wake up with her when she is sick...

I'd love to hear your ex's side of this. Maybe he's keeping his distance because of the way you've been behaving? If he's not used to small children he might be nervous of being alone with her. And if he senses that you're waiting for an excuse to twist the knife, he may prefer to stay away for now.

Chara1001

My God OP,

A horrible thing to have happen to you, you're absolutely right- you're hurt so obviously your daughter should be kept away from her father. At least until you meet someone and you're not upset about him anymore.

Is this what you want to hear? Because I have no idea why you've written that post.

Do not think for one minute you can come here and get validation from us strangers that using your daughter as a tool to exact petty revenge for yourself is justifiable.
Its not about just you and your feelings, and your pride, and what you can accept or not.
Do you see harming your daughter a suitable price to pay for your hurt feelings?
Because that's what you're going to do. To be abandoned as you were with a young baby is a disgusting thing to do- but guess what- so is this

Meauldsegosha

verodi wrote: »

And no I am not mad I am just someone that was hurt , betrayed and angry that my child will never grow up with both of parents, .

You child can grow up with both parents. They may not live in the same house but they can both be present in her life. If you stop you're daughter from seeing her father then you are responsible for her not having both parents in her life.

It is understandable that you are hurt and angry and generally decisions made when feeling like that are bad decisions. Take some time before you make a final decision that will ultimately hurt your daughter.

Stavro Mueller

verodi wrote: »

Well excuse me all didn`t know this was going to turn out like this as in everyone getting angry ...It was just something that was in my head with the revenge thats why I wanted to see what other people think, wasnt a big thing, but I hate women like her and obviously men like him ).

And no I am not mad I am just someone that was hurt , betrayed and angry that my child will never grow up with both of parents, because one of them decided to cheat.The truth is that there is no more commitment these days and he admitted that he didnt expect life to be that hard when you have a child...but anyway thanks everyone for your thoughts.

Maybe having a reality check will stop you and your vile plan in its tracks. You might hate people like your ex and his woman but many people hate parents who deliberately keep their children away from their fathers (or mothers). How would you feel if your ex took your daughter away to another country and refused to let you have her back?

And you are being an utter hypocrite with your second paragraph. If you deny your ex access to your daughter then you are truly making sure she won't grow up with both parents. Two loving parents who live apart are a hell of a lot better than two warring ones who are together.

Oh, and your ex isn't the first person to admit that they didn't realise life would be so hard when they had a child. It's not a hanging offence - you're just looking for excuses to keep your daughter away

macplato

Op, you are mixing up two completely separate things here:

Thing no. 1 - Your relationship with your ex boyfriend.

Thing no. 2 - Your daughter's relationship with her father.

Your job as a mom is to encourage a healthy relationship between your child and her dad. You don't have to like him as a person, but if you want your child to grow up without major emotional issues, you need to respect your ex as your child's father.

He didn't treat you well, I admit, but unless you learn to be the bigger person here, and do whatever it takes to sort out your hostility towards him and let go of your desire for revenge, you will create a very unhappy child, who will grow up to be a very unhappy adult.

This is where the privilege of parenthood gets tested - can you sacrifice your pride for your child's happiness?

verodi

Op Here,
I am actually glad I wrote here ..I got some perspective and I see things clearer now...I will take a step back and think what is best for my child, at the end of the day she is everything to me. If when she will grow up and want to know the truth about her dad i will tell her everything and then she will be able to take a decision for herself.

SScope

Hi OP,

I understand that you are hurt and I agree that what your ex did to YOU was a ****ty thing to do.

That said using your daughter as leverage or holding her to ranson to get back at her father is as bad if not worse than what has been done to you. I was on the other side of this as my sons mother (who needed things with me and I had full contact with my son until he was 4) decided that I couldn't see him if I went through with my wedding. My son knew my then fiancé, my family and we had a great routine that I never once changed or missed.

Now I had to go to court (and while this did take what seemed to me forever) and I got proper visitation through the court it really didn't have to be that way. Also while I lost out on a few months with my son and it hurt, do you want to guess who the really hurt person was in the whole thing??? My son who was told I didn't want to see him as I didn't love him anymore. I still have to (in my mind) make up for this every time I see/talk to him.

You are only going to hurt your daughter with your actions and in the long run this could/will make her resent you for it.

verodi

And for the people that are calling me hypocrite I hope you will never be in my shoes really...

Ann84

HI OP,

I am very sorry to hear what has happened to you, your ex sounds like a pretty selfish guy! The good news is, he is not your problem anymore and the best revenge on either of them is each other, a cheater and the girl who cheated with a new Dad, I'm sure they will be very happy together!
Now, your life has changed a lot, and you have 2 choices, spend your life looking at him and being bitter.., or look at yourself and finding your happiness!
It can't be nice living with his parents, even if they are lovely, it must be a constant reminder of him... You need to get out and onto your own two feet. Take baby steps, give yourself 6 months to get a home set up, then step 2, get a formal access AND maintenance arrangement in place... (this can be done through mediation if both people agree!)
Then, step 3, start a new life for yourself... Try to get some nights off, you'll need them to meet new people, maybe even a lovely New boyfriend!

I give this advice from experience, I was exactly where you are almost, and it's horrible! I am 4 years on, share parent with my horrible ex (who is a great dad but still a complete arse in my eyes!) and I have met a lovely guy who is nothing like my ex!
I know it's easy to get so angry looking at him off having a new life, so don't... Get yourself a new life too, baby steps!

Mind yourself

macplato

verodi wrote: »

Op Here,
I am actually glad I wrote here ..I got some perspective and I see things clearer now...I will take a step back and think what is best for my child, at the end of the day she is everything to me. If when she will grow up and want to know the truth about her dad i will tell her everything and then she will be able to take a decision for herself.

That sounds good, OP. Just please remember, that the nature of your relationship with your ex is very different to your daughter's relationship with him. She doesn't need to know the intimate details of what happened between the two of you, not now, not even when she grows up. Let her get to know him as a dad, not as her mother's useless ex. Let her make up her own mind about him.

Chara1001

Op,

I don't know if it helps you to hear that you're not alone. I am also a single mother like you and I became single when the baby was a few weeks old. He's now almost 18 months and the relationship between his father and I isn't great.

You've got to be able to separate your relationship with your ex from your daughters' relationship with her father, I think that's the main thing. Even though he treated you abhorrently and it was a terrible thing to do to you, her relationship with her father is completely outside that. Do you see what I mean?

Even though I would prefer my ex to be out of my life entirely, he can't be because he wants a relationship with his son, and I could never ever deprive him of that. It would just be too much of a terrible thing to do and as angry as I might ever be with him, my conscience could never let me.
I guess you're extremely angry and hurt, it's totally understandable from what has happened, and I'm really glad to hear you're rethinking your awful idea.

Best thing to do is move on and let him go also.
Good luck

LegacyUser

Hi Verodi,

I often read boards.ie but rarely reply unless I feel cannot not reply! Your post is one I felt I had to reply to.

I'm sorry to hear of the pain you've gone through and are still going through and I can't imagine how hard it's been for you. I'm guessing the reactions you have received here seem harsh to you but when it comes to using your daughter to get revenge against her father, it's simply wrong and not fair on your daughter and deep down you probably know that's true. Forget about him for a moment and think about what's best for your daughter. I understand how you must feel having gone through so much and I want to share my thoughts.

I have no doubt you feel great anger against your ex and rightly so. First I want you to think of yourself; look at how much you have achieved. You've made the brave move of coming to live in a foreign country where you've made a successful life for yourself, you've got a beautiful daughter, you've passed your exams, got yourself a job... and survived all that stress and all the bad stuff with your ex! Now that tells me you are a very strong and clever person. Think about that for a while. Take encouragement by looking of all the successful things you've made happen for yourself. Now, if you've done all that it tells me you can do just about anything you set your mind to. You will get through all this pain of what your ex did. It's not right and it's not fair on you and your daughter and he doesn't deserve to have either of you in his life but it's not as simple of denying him and your daughter a relationship.

In the end, you will have to facilitate them having a relationship..whether he plays his part to make that happen is up to him. If you can get your head around this and accept it then I suggest you try to handle this by being as civil and mature about it as you can. Ultimately to handle it that way it will make it easier for all 3 of you..and from your point of view the key is that it will make things easier for you.

Don't let him win by turning you into a bitter person. There is an expression in English that goes; "the best revenge is living well"! Take that as your plan for "revenge". Live a full, happy life. Make the things you dream about happen....you're certainly capable of it. Someday you will look back at all the crap that your ex put you through and you know what..it won't upset you. It will be in the past and you will be so happy living the life that you want that it won't bother you. I'm not saying what he did doesn't matter. His actions are hurtful and a total betrayal. He certainly doesn't deserve someone as good as you and ultimately that's his loss. I know you're feeling pain and you need to do whatever you need to do to deal with it. Get whatever support you need, talk to family, friends or whoever can help. Read books on people who've been in your situation and come through it and take what can help you from that. Be kind to yourself. It's tough now but it will get better. Please don't stay bitter. It won't help you and it will transfer onto your daughter. I'm sure you don't want your daughter to grow up with a pessamistic view of life.

I've gone on long enough so I'll finish up by saying I wish you well. Try to be optimistic, things will get better :-)

Ave Sodalis

verodi wrote: »

And for the people that are calling me hypocrite I hope you will never be in my shoes really...

OP, you were called a hypocrite because you said you wanted your daughter to have both parents whilst wanting to take her father away from her. That would be hypocritical. It's not an insult, that just is what it is.

There are many people in your shoes. Being a single parent generally has no negative effects on the child unless you show your hatred for the father to the child (taking the father away would do this). Only then (as well as not making sure the child knows parents aren't getting back together) will it cause problems, as the child becomes conflicted. I am the daughter of a single mother and I know many others so see how it pans out for each type of mother-father relationship and how it handled.

hoodwinked

verodi wrote: »

Op Here,
I am actually glad I wrote here ..I got some perspective and I see things clearer now...I will take a step back and think what is best for my child, at the end of the day she is everything to me. If when she will grow up and want to know the truth about her dad i will tell her everything and then she will be able to take a decision for herself.

op its pretty obvious you are hurt and angry right now, you HAVE to see past that.


as a child of divorced and at war parents, it really messed me up, each one used me as a weapon to hurt the other, and it left a pretty destructive path in its wake,

but one thing i want to say to you is, children are not stupid, they grow up, when i asked my mum the awkward questions "why doesn't my dad live with us? (around 7 or 8 years old)" "why did my dad leave(around 11 or 12 years old)" "when did your relationship with him break up? (i was around 15)"

she either blew me off or fobbed me off with answers that wouldn't make me hate him, and i hated her, i always felt like it was her fault he left, i was wrong only at 21 years of age (with help from a counsellor i was seeing for other issues) did i put 2 and 2 together and got 4.

i was 21, at 18 i tried to build a relationship with him and he started filling my head with crap, on top of my previous problems it wreaked havoc, so i didn't put it together when him and my step mum were claiming they met 19 years ago, in fact they still claimed they 'got together' the year before i was born, (and i was an accident with a shotgun wedding following)

so no please don't tell your child everything, my mother never did and it was the best thing she ever did for me. at the time i blamed her (again other issues were at play here so don't feel like your child will hate you)

but children aren't stupid, they grow up, they learn right from wrong and your child will make their own mind up when presented with the facts and will love you more for protecting them.

verodi

Op here, what I want everyone to understand is that when he decided leave us he knew I was going to go home, because l have no family here, and he was just fine with that even offered to pay for the tickets so didnt make any effort to keep his daughter here but because I said i want him in her life and his parents offered to help as they love her very much I decided to stay despite was only me that knew how hard it was.

Thank God I stayed focus, I started a course, found a place for me and my daughter after 8 months and finally I secured a very good job, which I am all grateful for I know that there are people in a much worse situation then mine.

But still I felt so much anger when I found out he cheated and I feel that if i wasnt pushing and wanted him to have a relation with his daughter, I wouldnt have been in Ireland anyway.

Eeden

It is entirely possible to separate from someone and yet not use your child as a pawn in your war.

You have to realise that while you are better off without your partner, your child still benefits so much from having two parents who are involved with them (unless the other parent is violent or dangerous in some other way).

It's not easy. It means that you have to deal with a person that you would rather cut out of your life. But it's SO important for your child -- you just have to do it.

It also means - very definitely - that you cannot say bad things about your ex to your child, or in any other way imply bad things about them, including rolling your eyes, sighing exasperatedly whenever their name is brought up, etc. You just can't let bitterness show. It's not fair to your child.

Tokyo

verodi wrote: »

And for the people that are calling me hypocrite I hope you will never be in my shoes really...

For sure, I hope so too. But re-read your initial post, and you have to understand why people thought you were being hypocritical by wanting to hurt somebody who hurt you, by using your child as the weapon to do just that. Your later posts show a lot more sign of reason, and for that I'm glad, for you and your child.

I'm not one for using proverbs to solve all of lifes problems, but one proverb that has held true all of my life is this:

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves"

Should you decide to invest your energy in hurting your ex, sure, you might succeed in getting revenge, but you'll find that you'll end up hurting yourself too in the process, and, in your case, your child as well. Surely it's better to invest that energy in raising your child as well as you can, and allowing her father to be part of her life so that she at least knows what it is like to have two parents, even though they aren't together?

Czarcasm

verodi wrote: »

So I decided I am not going to allow him to be in his daughter life anymore and his mum is not talking with him at the moment. I did use to tell me if he ever cheats on me I am not going to let him see the child anymore, which for me is fair he was having the time of his life and i was trying to get work, move and look after his daughter.

...

So my question is..do I go for revenge and punish them both or I will just stick with the idea that he is dead for me and my daughter?

OP I'll usually read an opening post like yours and try and empathise with where you're coming from. I can understand that your ex screwed you over, turned your life upside down, but what stood out for me too was the bit above in bold. Why would you have ever felt the need to say this to your boyfriend, your child's father? Was there other issues going on in the relationship?

"If you ever cheat on me you'll never see your child" are not the kind of things one partner says to another in a happy and healthy relationship!

You can try and convince yourself that your ex is "dead to you and your daughter" all you like, but -

a) Your ex isn't dead, and

b) You and your daughter are two separate individuals.


I'll be blunt OP and tell you straight out that you BOTH sound incredibly immature and selfish, and the only person I can empathise with in this situation is your two year old daughter who will suffer twice what you put your ex and his new girlfriend through if you carry on with these obsessive thoughts about revenge. It's wasted energy that you could be putting into making a better life for your daughter, who should be your real priority, not getting "revenge" on your ex.

What you're risking doing to your daughter OP and I've seen this, is turning her into a proper little man-hater, because the way you're talking now is exactly the same way as a girl I knew 14 years ago and her now 14 year old daughter, and the pair of them are almost like twins in their maturity level and their view of the opposite gender. It's despicable what this woman has turned her daughter into and you would be inflicting the same emotional damage on your daughter if you were to keep thinking the way you are about getting revenge on her father and "telling her the whole truth" when she's older.

The best thing you can do for you daughter is learn to forgive her father and learn to come to terms with the fact that nobody is perfect, that it didn't work out between you and her father but the one fantastic thing about your relationship is that you have a wonderful daughter together. Don't let her feel the same hurt you're feeling right now, none of this situation was her fault.

I would say to you too that you need to move out of your ex's parent's house. That's nothing but a toxic environment to bring your daughter up in when his mother isn't even talking to her own son. Think about the example that's setting for your daughter as she grows up. She won't stay a child forever and she will sense the fragmented family dynamics that are focussed around her, and whether you like it or not, no matter how much you or his mother blame your ex, your daughter is going to see herself as the common denominator and think all this is her fault.

Both you and your ex owe it to your daughter to sort out this mess before she's old enough to become aware of it and take on the burden that isn't hers to carry. You're all adults, you should be able to act like adults and set an example for your daughter instead of these childish, immature notions about "revenge".

beks101

macplato wrote: »

Op, you are mixing up two completely separate things here:

Thing no. 1 - Your relationship with your ex boyfriend.

Thing no. 2 - Your daughter's relationship with her father.

Your job as a mom is to encourage a healthy relationship between your child and her dad. You don't have to like him as a person, but if you want your child to grow up without major emotional issues, you need to respect your ex as your child's father.

He didn't treat you well, I admit, but unless you learn to be the bigger person here, and do whatever it takes to sort out your hostility towards him and let go of your desire for revenge, you will create a very unhappy child, who will grow up to be a very unhappy adult.

This is where the privilege of parenthood gets tested - can you sacrifice your pride for your child's happiness?

This may be the most important - and most true - post I've ever read in Personal Issues. Read it and re-read it OP.

OP, I can say as an adult that most people I meet have been fundamentally influenced and deeply affected by their early family life.

I've got friends who came from broken homes who are spending their adult dating lives seeking validation from men; I've got friends from homes where either parent was spoken ill of regularly in the family home due to that parent's own personal issue who grew up to have a skewed idea of what a healthy relationship is and struggle accordingly.

What you teach your child now about her father will affect her own self esteem, confidence, happiness, sense of security and world view as she grows older. And this isn't a lesson that can be untaught.

If you deprive her of her father, speak ill of him, make her feel like he just couldn't be aRsed spending time with her etc - she will grow up to believe all of these things. Do you want your child to believe she's not valuable enough to be worth her own father's time? That she was born out of hate, that you regret meeting the man who made her, that all men are dishonest, untrustworthy and a waste of time?

Think strongly about those things before you decide to enact petty revenge on this man, to make you feel a bit better about yourself, at your daughter's expense.

bp

Hi OP

I am glad to hear you have gained some perspective. It must be very difficult to separate your feelings of hurt from revenge. As others (and youself) have stated you need to give your daughter every opportunity to know her father and please please please try not to vilify him in front of her.

As she gets older she will sense your feelings and may turn against you because of it. I know you are mad and if you cannot stand to be in the same room as him have his parents (if they are talking) as a go between for drop offs and pick ups.

Let's not have another child grow up suffering because of their parents feelings for each other. I do see where you are coming from but your daughter needs someone to be the adult here.

Good luck and fair play on the job

Grayfoxy

verodi wrote: »

Hi all

Ok this is going to be a long post but I will try my best to keep it neat.
Almost one year ago my fiancee told me at the phone he doesn`t love me anymore(at the time I was back home doing exams in my home country).

I was in shock as I didn`t see it coming, I thought we have a nice relationship, a 11 month old baby at the time which we were so happy to have and just a happy family life.

I agreed to come back and take things slow, try to talk and see what happened but he wasn`t happy with anything I was saying so he decided to separate for good.

We had to give up our rented apartament and me and baby didnt have where to stay so his parents offered us to stay there untill we find something. It was a very hard time for me I didn`t understand at the time where all went wrong.

Meanwhile I found out little things, saw calls in the middle of the night to another number(landline bill) and I tried to ring this girl(only got the voicemail) and left her few messages.Funny enough he was ringing me back saying to leave the girl alone because she is just a friend, which was suspicious at the time but never had enough evidence to prove it.

Anyway I was still letting him see the child but he never had time for her, only recently he started taking her regularly.

So anyway going forward till 2 days ago when his mum told me that he brought one girl to the house(bare in mind he told everyone he was single for a whole year) and guess who she was...yes the same girl(if i can call her like that).

So I decided I am not going to allow him to be in his daughter life anymore and his mum is not talking with him at the moment .I did use to tell me if he ever cheats on me I am not going to let him see the child anymore, which for me is fair he was having the time of his life and i was trying to get work, move and look after his daughter.

For her I could have a lovely plan as well because he addmited now he did started seeing her before we broke up and she knew he has a family..which really its making her a s***.

So my question is..do I go for revenge and punish them both or I will just stick with the idea that he is dead for me and my daughter?

Hi Verodi,

If he did in fact cheat on you, he is a scumbag, no two ways about it, and she is no better knowing (if indeed she did know he had a family),

However, your child is also his child, and you have no right to keep him from seeing the child, nor the child from seeing him as an act of revenge, that is sick and disgusting.

You would be punishing him AND her, and that is simply not right. From what I see in your post, fair enough, he is an a**hole, but you have not mentioned about him being a bad father, having a drink/drug problem, being abusive, so effectively you want to use your daughter as a weapon against him for hurting you?

But let me put this straight, either the pair of you go to a solicitor to get maintenance/ custody days and so on set out, or family court, this will avoid potential problems in the future.

Stavro Mueller

verodi wrote: »

And for the people that are calling me hypocrite I hope you will never be in my shoes really...

The fact that you're misinterpreting the hypocrite comment goes to show how much you're confusing your break-up with your ex's rights to see his child. Reading back through your posts it would appear that he was a bit slow to step up to the fatherhood plate at the start and you were the one to push for that. Now that he is taking her regularly and possibly shaping up to be a good dad, you're turning around and trying to stop that? Sheesh - that makes you an even bigger hypocrite. If this observation stings, then so be it. The truth hurts.

Incidentally, do you get maintenance from him?

LegacyUser

Hi OP


I can completely understand you are angry and maybe just everything has gotten on top of you at the moment - understandable.

However, let me tell you a bit about my situation. I have posted about it anonymously before on threads similar to yours. I'm with my OH 3 years. He has a little daughter whom he had with a woman 7 years older than him. He hasnt seen his child since she was 6 months old.

Mother of child did just like you are proposing to do. He had a few one night stands with her and she promised him she was on the pill blah blah blah. Long story short (and they are both to blame) she fell pregnant. He was only 20 when this happened and thought the best thing to do would be to start a relationship with this woman. Be there for her and the baby.

When the baby was 3 months old, he told her he couldn't do the relationship thing with her, but that he would always be there for the baby no matter what. She flipped. Long story short, she fecked off, changed her number, and cancelled his direct debit of maintenance to her bank account. That's the last time he saw either of them, he's no idea where they are.

I'm stuck on the other side of this all the while, and believe me I constantly think about it.

What if I ran into her sometime? Would I recognise his child? If himself and I have kids they will have a half sister whom they might never know? How would I tell my kids that? Would they resent me and him for not doing more to gain access? Will his daughter be told all sorts of horrible untrue things about her father? Will she turn up at his door when she's 18? If I'm still with him, how am I going to deal with that?

I have tried and tried to help him, but I think he is that cut up about it, we dont even mention her name. It is totally swept under the carpet and I absolutely hate it. It's an unspoken thing with us, even though I always think about it and it goes without saying that he always thinks about it too.

You cannot be like this woman. And if you do go ahead with your plan, I pity your child.

You will be selfish to do this. And I wouldnt be one bit surprised if Karma comes back and bites you on the ass.. You would certainly deserve it. You cannot play with a child's life like that.

I dont even know my OH's ex, but I can tell you now, I will never forgive her for taking his child away.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, if your family support is at home in your own home country, then I don't think people could blame you if you moved home to that support. Being a single parent is tough, but it's really tough when you are at war with the father, yet depending on his family to support you, in a foreign country.

BUT if you do move home, you cannot do so with the threat of "you'll never see your daughter again". You have to do it with leaving him every chance and every opportunity to maintain a relationship with his child. If he doesn't take up that opportunity, then that is not your fault, and you can be proud that you've always had your daughter's interests at heart, even if he hasn't. You cannot force him to be in his daughter's life... but you CANNOT force him out of her life. Whether or not he is part of her life, must be down to him.

Why make it easy for him? Why make it easy for him to walk away and blame you? Your daughter will not be a baby forever. She will grow up to be a child, teenager and eventually an adult who will ask questions. Wouldn't you prefer to say "I left the door open", rather than "I took you and told him he'd never see you again".

Your relationship with him didn't work out. I wouldn't necessarily blame the other woman... if your relationship was strong she would have been irrelevant. Your relationship was eventually going to come to an end either way (Sorry, to say). You are not going to be the perfect family unit - but that doesn't mean it has to be "all or nothing" for your daughter.

If you need to move home, then do so. But make sure you leave the door open for him to have contact/visits. You can come back on holidays etc.

verodi

OP here, thanks everyone for input...
Someone was asking why I told him that if he ever cheats Ill take away the child...it was before 1-2 months we separated, the was keep telling me how his best friend is cheating on his girlfriend with some work colleague(looking back I think it was himself doing that and testing the water).Because if we ever agreed on something it was that if the time will come and one of us will want out of relationship we better sit down and have a chat then cheating, he did cheat on numerous time on his ex girlfriend so i never wanted to be like that.

So anyway no I am not trying to be a B****, there is many more things in the middle but thats all in the past now and the fact is that i took my own life in my hands and concentrated on raising my daughter and build a better future for both of us, when it would have been so easy to fall into a big depression, start drinking or god knows what.I was depressed for a long time but fortunately my daughter kept me going.
And still people think is ok these days to not commit to anything, is the same that you see a gorgeous girl/guy on the street and true you cant deny someones beauty but if everyone will think like my ex and take a step further then just looking/innocent flirting then im telling you will the world will be full of children that will not have a proper family.., I don`t know I have probably grew up with different values...

And to come to the conclusion I told him i want to meet him to talk about our daughter, in the end all i care is her and I want to give him the chance to show me I was wrong and that he wants actually to be in her life, so it will be a certain schedule from now on every week, because since i moved he only took her 4 nights in 3 months and then if thats going to happen that means his priority and responsibility is her as well and ill be happy with that if not then I tried...

As for the BIMBO that he is with...I am not going to do anything,the father agreed never to bring her in the childs life so I guess she is safe for the time being .

Big Bag of Chips

verodi wrote: »

the father agreed never to bring her in the childs life so I guess she is save for the time being .

You're still going wrong! Did you ask for this? Did he "agree"? What if he ends up marrying her? You cannot control his relationship with his daughter. Much as it might hurt you, you cannot control who he introduces to his child.

If you are serious about him being a father to her, then you have to trust him to be a father.

Nobody sets out to be a single parent. Looking down your nose at others who might not have the same "values" as you, isn't very nice. It doesn't matter about your values... You are now a single parent. It can happen anyone at anytime... As you are now aware. Would you have preferred to continue on a sham of a relationship just so it all looked perfect and respectable to others on the outside? Would you have been happy to stay with this fella for the next 50 years?

You have a long long road ahead of you. Your daughter is 2.. you have at least 16 years of having him in your lives. Even beyond that. At the moment you are hurt and angry. Which is understandable. In time you will accept that this relationship didn't work out as you planned, and you will feel less angry.

For the moment try to see the bigger picture. Try to see this time next year. 5 years time. 15 years time etc... And try not to do anything now, that you will come to be embarrassed about or regret in a few years.

verodi

I am not looking down on anyone but that doesnt mean that i have to agree with everyone...

Yes he said this and for the moment I am not going to allow this, would you want me to welcome her in our life and tell my daughter what a lovely person she is please let's not go that far away...

And of course is wrong to stay with someone just for the sake of child, as I was saying I never saw it coming and I asked him why he never had a reason till few days ago.
Fair enough if you don't love someone anymore u sit them down and tell them, you dont do that kind of things...

CaraMay

He probably told the girl he was single... Not sure why you are so nasty towards her. She didn't let you down.

verodi

CaraMay wrote: »

He probably told the girl he was single... Not sure why you are so nasty towards her. She didn't let you down.

No she did knew, me and my daugher used to shop there ) and i tried to confront her but she was afraid to talk back then..and that will tell you what kind of person she is..but sure you are right he is the first to blame but she is no saint

Big Bag of Chips

verodi wrote: »

would you want me to welcome her in our life and tell my daughter what a lovely person she is

You don't have to tell your daughter anything....... She's 2!!!

Anyway, I'm going to bow out of this thread now, as I think you don't really want advice from people. You want an outlet to vent.

I'm glad you have moved on from looking for revenge, although it doesn't sound like you really have.

I wish you well for the rest of your life, as I already said, you have a long road ahead of you.

December2012

You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hostility with the fact that you cannot separate these two - separate - situations you are in.

Situation 1. You and your ex have a child.

Situation 2. - your ex left you and is with another woman.

There is no overlap here. How we parent can be different to the rest of our lives.

You think what you are saying is best for your child, but it isn't. You are setting her up for a lifetime of managing your impossible expectations that she too will hate her father for cheating on you.

No matter what he will be her father for the rest of her life. You have input over how she feels about the situation.

Go to a therapist to sort out your hurt over the loss of your relationship.

Don't take it out on your child or her father.

LegacyUser

A word of warning for your own future OP:

My father had a **** childhood. Not abusive, not in poverty, but crap all the same. He betrayed my mother, which she decided to tell me on my 16th birthday. I hated him for about 5 years, I mean could barely look at him. I totally took my mothers side - because that was the only side I heard. He never tried to excuse himself, he never talked about it.

Since I grew up, I realised that while what he did was wrong, my mother was wrong in different ways. Not to the same extent; but she wanted to stay together, but yet killed him forever over his betrayal. And decided to tell me 'on the day you're an adult'.

I'll never forget the way she emotionally blackmailed him forever, I'll never forget the way she told me - or when she told me, and I'll never forgive her for poisoning my mind against my father. Ever. I've got over what I knew he did years ago; but I still hvent got over how she tried to drag me into it / play 'sides'. That one isn't going away: she tried her best to emotionally manipulate and play on the fears of a child. I can't ever forgive that. Ever. So no matter what my dad did, she is the one I won't trust, I won't forgive, and I can't love.

CaraMay

Think on OP wrote: »

A word of warning for your own future OP:

My father had a **** childhood. Not abusive, not in poverty, but crap all the same. He betrayed my mother, which she decided to tell me on my 16th birthday. I hated him for about 5 years, I mean could barely look at him. I totally took my mothers side - because that was the only side I heard. He never tried to excuse himself, he never talked about it.

Since I grew up, I realised that while what he did was wrong, my mother was wrong in different ways. Not to the same extent; but she wanted to stay together, but yet killed him forever over his betrayal. And decided to tell me 'on the day you're an adult'.

I'll never forget the way she emotionally blackmailed him forever, I'll never forget the way she told me - or when she told me, and I'll never forgive her for poisoning my mind against my father. Ever. I've got over what I knew he did years ago; but I still hvent got over how she tried to drag me into it / play 'sides'. That one isn't going away: she tried her best to emotionally manipulate and play on the fears of a child. I can't ever forgive that. Ever. So no matter what my dad did, she is the one I won't trust, I won't forgive, and I can't love.

Op ignore this post at your peril.

Stavro Mueller

OP, one of my friends grew up without her father in her life. It was something that she was conscious of in school and made her feel different. What really became an issue for her was the way her mother behaved. She refused to tell her anything about who her father was and when she did, she told lies. Kids aren't stupid. In the end it blew up into a massive issue over the mother's behaviour, rather than who her father actually was.

I don't know what sort of relationship you have with your ex's parents but if you go down this road you're going to stir up that nest of hornets too. They might not be speaking to their son at the moment but blood is thicker than water. You'd better budget for finding somewhere else to live and having to pay for people to mind your daughter when you're on your course.

ivytwine

Hey OP

My mother and father split when I was one. My dad met someone else- eventually my mother did too.

I loved my dad's girlfriend, she was great. My mother and her got on really well too.

But she was never my mother- I only had one of those.

I am 24 now and do you know why I have a good relationship with both my parents?

Because they had the maturity to realise that **** happens. People break up. That the child is the most important person in the equation, not the drama between the adults. The commitment comments in your earlier post? Bull. Total and utter bull.

Only a couple of decades ago in this country marriage was for life. And there were couples who, by the time they were in their 70s, held so much resentment and bitterness for each other that they didn't speak. I am sure every poster in this thread knows of one of example of this kind of dynamic.

Or if a girl fell pregnant her kid would be thrown in with nuns and treated like crap for its entire life, because of the 'shame' of how it was conceived. Meanwhile the mother would spend her life doing free labour for the state. All of this is common knowledge by the way.

Maybe people don't work as hard on their relationships anymore and that is a problem, however I'm glad we have the freedom to leave bad relationships.

You and your ex both sound immature and not a good match. However that doesn't mean that you can't be good parents. It does require growing up.

And as every other poster on this thread has said, that means forgetting revenge, keeping your dignity and putting your child first.

There's another Irish phrase- taking the high road. It means keeping your dignity in the face of insults and not descending to their level. You would be well advised to heed it.

ennis81

green_screen wrote: »

Ok, breaking up and cheating is horrible, but for god's sake do NOT use your child as a weapon like that. That's a really ddisgusting thing to do.

He and you broke up. He is allowed to date people. You need to accept that, to be blunt.

If only more people actually realised this and stopped screwing children up. You do not have the right to hinder your child's relationship with their father no matter what the circumstances of your break up were. I understand you are hurting but don't hurt your child

clairefontaine

I have not read the whole thread and am replying to OP.

This is the hurt talking and this hurt will pass. Do not make decisions on the basis of temporary feelings. There are long term consequences to consider, ones you might never imagine.

Right now, in the throws of new motherhood, it is exhausting and isolating. This leaves no time to get perspective or to heal. It would actually do all of you a lot good if he took the child more so you can get some headspace.

Ireland is the only place I have ever seen a single mother spat on. I think those old residues of tertiary status are still at play, lingering in the air, and you might feel this is where he has put you.

If you are choosing to distance yourself and the child because you need that time to heal, that is one thing, or if it is because you have serious concerns about the welfare of the baby in his company, that is also one thing.

But if you are doing it for revenge, you can be guaranteed you will be stabbed with your own dagger.