Can't afford to save

Merkin

1. I dont want to go to AA meetings... they are full of whingy alcoholics... all that steps nonsense and god talk... would make you want to scrape your skin off with a sander...

So what are you going to do about the fact that your sank a bottle of wine last night after being in recovery for four years? I can't emphasise enough how much of a slippery slope this is. You did this because you feel unable to cope. Maybe go and talk to your GP or at least address this as an issue that could potentially spiral out of control before you know it.

2. Reevaluate my relationship - why? I am complaining that he doesn't work so doesn't help with the bills... if he had a decent income we could both work and we could save for a deposit for a house and a mortgage.

Not being funny but if your Auntie had balls she'd be your Uncle. The fact is he is not doing this and is unwilling to do this so what are you going to do about it? Nothing is changing, regardless of all the pleading and ultimatums. He is causing you more upset than happiness. THAT is why you need to reevaluate your relationship.

3. A house would save me money - 900 vs 1350 seems a no brainer to me...

You are being so naive about property buying. Right now you are the sole breadwinner. If you undertake a mortgage and you fall ill can you depend on your partner to support you and keep up with the mortgage repayments? Of course you can't. You're being very dogmatic about this and it seems your judgement is a little clouded as you don't seem to have thought the practicalities through at all - your problems aren't suddenly going to disappear because you've bought a house, on the contrary, especially when your relationship is so unstable.

StuckInACycleOfPoverty

StuckInACycleOfPoverty wrote: »

3. A house would save me money - 900 vs 1350 seems a no brainer to me...

If interest rates go up, which is as likely as anything else, it won't be 900 anymore.
If you become ill or in an accident or lose your job, you won't be able to pay it anymore. While renting, you could in theory at least move in with your mother or someone while you recover/job hunt - with a mortgage, you'll still owe the debt and it'll get bigger and bigger.

You haven't thought this through at all, I think, and are fixating on this one thing as the cure-all for all life's problems. Having a mortgage won't make your partner work, it won't make you rich, it won't make you happy. You need to take steps NOW to get yourself out of this rut. Sitting around wishing and thinking if only if only is not going to fix anything. Neither is a slide back into alcoholism, and neither is blaming your partner for you being miserable.

Meauldsegosha

StuckInACycleOfPoverty wrote: »

3. A house would save me money - 900 vs 1350 seems a no brainer to me... the thing about him taking the house and me getting visitation with my son scares the bejaysus out of me but he is down as living at his mothers house and not in the house I am renting... and it would stay that way...

Why don't you find a cheaper house to rent? This would allow you to save money.

StuckInACycleOfPoverty wrote: »

2. Reevaluate my relationship - why? I am complaining that he doesn't work so doesn't help with the bills... if he had a decent income we could both work and we could save for a deposit for a house and a mortgage.

Your fixation on buying a house is clouding your judgement here. You said your partner sits on his arse all day so does he do anything to help around the house, cook or clean. He even seems to resent that he is looking after your child. Do you actually love him or do you just want him to work so he can contribute to a deposit/house?

username123

Merkin wrote: »

Not being funny but if your Auntie had balls she'd be your Uncle. The fact is he is not doing this and is unwilling to do this so what are you going to do about it? Nothing is changing, regardless of all the pleading and ultimatums. He is causing you more upset than happiness. THAT is why you need to reevaluate your relationship.

^^ this.

I dont really understand why you would want to stay with someone that you have so little respect for and who fails to meet quite ordinary expectations of helping to support his family.

You know that you get what you settle for right? Youve settled for this, if its not what you want then stop whinging about how things could be different if you hadnt gone to the pub that night and start thinking about how to move on and find a better life.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the great replies while I was out at lunch.

My biggest fear I think is sticking in this wait and see rut I am in for another 3-4 years and nothing changes...

Like my pals in AA would say "if nothing changes, nothing changes" lol.

Look, this "rut" might just be the alcoholic "stinking thinking" or even my inability to do anything either way might be the alcoholic in me. I don't know...

I am not willing to take the recovering off the Alcoholic label.. fessing up to alcoholism and all the sobriety for the past 4 years was too much to throw away on one bottle of wine. So, I will leave the recovering part intact - for now.

I am going to put a pin in this issue for today and sit down this evening and work out with a pen and paper where are my expenditures... Having you guys point out the problems with my thinking have really helped. I really appreciate it and I will see if I can cut back somehow... maybe I can have my cake and eat it too... just today I can't see the wood for the trees... perhaps... or maybe I am just deluding myself

Big Bag of Chips

Can I just say, you sound (and obviously are) very unhappy in your relationship. If you want to buy a house it seems you want to buy it on your own and not have your bf have any claim to it? You are angry at yourself for getting with him. You are angry at your friends for going to that bar. You are angry at your brother and sister because they seem to have it all "sorted"...

For the most part we make our own paths in life. You chose to go out with your bf! Your friends didn't force that. You had a baby with him. You moved in with him. Ok, now it's not living up to your expectations, but it's your fault you are still there!!

If you don't want to be with him why not move? If you want to buy a house but don't want him to have a claim on it, why not end the relationship, move in with your mother, save your deposit and then buy the house alone? Why the plan of living with your mother for 2 years, and then going back to him to buy the house?? It sounds like you don't want to be with him, but you think you need to be with him in order to attain your "dream" that your siblings seem to have - house, family etc..

From your last post you seem to have calmed down a bit :P. That's good. We all have bad days. We all get frustrated and annoyed. And usually we come out the other side of it with a clearer head and a better idea of what we want/need to do next.

I think sorting out your relationship should be priority above figuring out where to cut back, or how to save more etc. Because even if you do all that, and your relationship doesn't improve, you're still going to be stuck in a crappy situation.

ABajaninCork

My 2c's worth...

OP - You need to STOP looking at what other people have and what they do. You think it's all rosy as you're outside looking in. You don't know what goes on behind those four walls. My mother always told me: 'Never look at what other people have. You don't know how they came by it'. If you did, I would bet everything I have that they have as much if not more worry than you! Negative equity, property tax, water rates are just a few of the things springing to mind at the moment. I would also bet they're living paycheck to paycheck. If they were unlucky enough to buy in the boom, how do you know they're not already in arrears? How do you know your brother living in his fcuk off house in London isn't already struggling with the bills and living in fear of being made redundant? Banking isn't exactly a 'safe' industry right now!

You're also looking at house buying in a very simplistic way. OK - so you've got the deposit. Mortgage has been arranged. And BTW - I wouldn't be so sure of getting one either if you buy alone. Banks are MUCH more cautious about lending, and will only lend 75-80% of the purchase price at a push. As you're a single mother, I seriously doubt you will pass the stress test anyway. You then have to pay stamp duty, searches, solicitor's fees, moving fees. You'll also want to buy a few bits for the house - washing machine, fridge, freezer, beds, cooker, soft furnishings. You got money for all that?

Then the roof might leak. Boiler breaks down. You have damp. All of these are necessary repairs and aren't cheap. Again - you got money put aside for that??

I'm with Merkin here. Start by addressing your alcohol lapse. That is the most important thing. You also need to address your situation with your partner. Work out what you want. Work out what HE wants. If the two aren't compatible - WALK!! You're young and can start again.

And learn to drive! You have so many more options in life and work if you can drive...

Good luck!

Merkin

My biggest fear I think is sticking in this wait and see rut I am in for another 3-4 years and nothing changes...

The positive to be seen in all of this is that every single issue you mention IS within your capacity to change. That's a good start. If you decide to go it alone and put your head down then you probably can achieve your dreams but it will have to mean some pretty big life changes. Decide what it is you really want and then go for it.

I am not willing to take the recovering off the Alcoholic label.. fessing up to alcoholism and all the sobriety for the past 4 years was too much to throw away on one bottle of wine. So, I will leave the recovering part intact - for now.

Fair enough, I wouldn't for one moment underestimate what happened last night though. I feel you're glossing over it a little. Recovery takes bloody hard work and engaging in things you might not like. So I would seriously reconsider AA. My fear would be that the sneaky little voice in your head will say "look at me, I had a bottle of wine last week and was fine, maybe I can have the occasional one here and there". It doesn't work like that and you know it doesn't. This is your absolute top priority now - staying in recovery.

Where was your partner last night when you opened the wine incidentally?

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

The positive to be seen in all of this is that every single issue you mention IS within your capacity to change. That's a good start. If you decide to go it alone and put your head down then you probably can achieve your dreams but it will have to mean some pretty big life changes. Decide what it is you really want and then go for it.



Fair enough, I wouldn't for one moment underestimate what happened last night though. I feel you're glossing over it a little. Recovery takes bloody hard work and engaging in things you might not like. So I would seriously reconsider AA. My fear would be that the sneaky little voice in your head will say "look at me, I had a bottle of wine last week and was fine, maybe I can have the occasional one here and there". It doesn't work like that and you know it doesn't. This is your absolute top priority now - staying in recovery.

Where was your partner last night when you opened the wine incidentally?

He was out with my son. I had finished it by the time they got home. I know its so pathetic that I did it but I dont want to waste my evenings going to meetings... its not like I can knock into one down the road. The nearest one I know of would take 40 mins to get to so thats 2 1/2 hours out of my day. Anyway this "local" meeting is full of raving lunatics... honestly, i was never able to empathise with any of them. People always go on about how they made such great friendships at these meetings but to be honest, I never met a single person at one of those meetings that I wanted to be friends with... it might have just been a bad group but I really did hate it... not my cup of tea at all...

Emme

bluewolf wrote: »

After 5 years of living together (or maybe it's less now) my understanding is that he would possibly have an entitlement.

AFAIK If a cohabiting couple has children together the period after which one would have an entitlement to the other's property is two years. So if you buy a property now and your boyfriend moves into it with you he may have a claim on it. I assume he is the father of your child.

Owning a property isn't the be all and end all. People in this country bought property during the boom years thinking they would have something for their old age and all they got was negative equity and massive debt. Some bought property on the commuter line thinking they could trade up but are now stuck with the property, a massive mortgage and a hellish commute. The OP should count her blessings.

OP, focus on staying sober and getting your driving test. You may not own a mansion in London like your brother but you're not in negative equity either. You have more choices than many people

You could take up your mother's offer and leave the dog with your partner
You could move into a cheaper apartment near public transport and put the money you've saved into a pension for yourself
You could encourage your partner to find work but who would mind the child and your dog while you are both at work?

Are you and your partner compatible? You sound ambitious and you like to have something to show for your hard work while your boyfriend sounds laid back and less materialistic. You may have different values and that might impact on the future of your relationship.

Merkin

StuckInACycleOfPoverty wrote: »

He was out with my son. I had finished it by the time they got home. I know its so pathetic that I did it but I dont want to waste my evenings going to meetings... its not like I can knock into one down the road. The nearest one I know of would take 40 mins to get to so thats 2 1/2 hours out of my day. Anyway this "local" meeting is full of raving lunatics... honestly, i was never able to empathise with any of them. People always go on about how they made such great friendships at these meetings but to be honest, I never met a single person at one of those meetings that I wanted to be friends with... it might have just been a bad group but I really did hate it... not my cup of tea at all...

It's not pathetic. That's the nature of addiction unfortunately, it just never really goes away. I was a committed smoker and quit a 30-a-day-habit and I know if I so much as lipped a fag I'd be taking on my entire addiction again. It is what it is. The AA is not a social club, you're not there to make friends so it doesn't really matter what you think of other members.

And I think 2.5 hours for a few sessions over the next few weeks is a small ask compared to all the hours you will lose if you sink back into your addiction.

If you don't mind my saying, all your posts are peppered with excuses. You won't move down the country because you won't drive. You won't drive because you don't have a car. You won't save money by fostering your dog because you refuse to. And now you won't attend AA because it would take up precious time out of your day and you don't like the people.

An awful lot of your problems are solvable but you have to put the work in. It seems that a lot of the obstacles are of your own creation.

username123

Merkin wrote: »

If you don't mind my saying, all your posts are peppered with excuses. You won't move down the country because you won't drive. You won't drive because you don't have a car. You won't save money by fostering your dog because you refuse to. And now you won't attend AA because it would take up precious time out of your day and you don't like the people.

+1.

Reading your posts reminds me of my deceased alcoholic - not recovering - father. An excuse for everything. Everything was someone elses fault or there was some silly reason why he couldnt do things.

Cant move to a cheaper apartment because of the dog.
Cant save for a house because yer man doesnt work.
Cant go to AA because its too far and dont like anyone there.
Why would I be reevaluating my relationship when I only want him to want to work?

I think you probably need some kind of medical or professional intervention for your own behaviour and your inability to take responsibility for your choices. You come across as though you have unhealthy thought processes. You have been given plenty of good advice here yet youve ignored all of it or made more excuses.

What did you want from the thread?

Knine

StuckInACycleOfPoverty wrote: »

He isn't even a legal guardian.

That is so upsetting to hear. The only reason he is the childs primary carer is because he WONT WORK and so I have to. Believe me, its not like i want to go out and work and leave my son. He goes away every weekend to his mothers house down the country I honestly dont think he even misses my son when he is away. I havent spent a single night away from him.

I feel sorry for your partner. He does have a job. He is looking after your son. Is it not Our son? Have you actually looked into Creche or childcare fees? They don't come cheap. You don't have to worry about dressing, feeding a young child before you leave the house or pickups or drop offs, a sick child who can't go to childcare...........

It all seems to be about you.

denhaagenite

Knine wrote: »

I feel sorry for your partner. He does have a job. He is looking after your son. Is it not Our son? Have you actually looked into Creche or childcare fees? They don't come cheap. You don't have to worry about dressing, feeding a young child before you leave the house or pickups or drop offs, a sick child who can't go to childcare...........

It all seems to be about you.

Yes, we all know childcare of course is a fulltime responsibility, but it is not a job. A job in this context means that you earn money. Money that pays for childcare, which would probably be affordable if her partner worked. Yes there are situations where the child needs to stay at home sick but most workplaces are understanding of this, and having a job entitles you to vacation days which can be taken if they aren't understanding about it. No-one would ever leave the house if it was too much trouble to feed or dress their children before school/ crèche/ whatever. What excuses does this guy plan to use once the child starts school?

Having a stay at home parent is not something that most families can afford when they have to pay €1350 per month on rent. It would be a different situation if they had more than one child but it's ridiculous, he's got a degree that he's not using and is complaining about "having" to stay at home when in truth he just can't be bothered which can't be a nice attitude for the child anyway. The OP is being realistic, there is no sense in berating her for this, or for using language that's not fluffy and loving enough to describe the situation that's causing her current state of mind.

OP, what kind of things have you considered to improve your money situation? Have you checked out crèche prices in the area? Are there houses within commutable distance that you have looked into? Do you have a driving licence? Is your partner in receipt of any social welfare payments? If so, is he contributing to bills etc? If not, why not? You do need to try and start looking at things from a different perspective if you want to change things, it's not going to happen if you sit and stew and do nothing. It might not be easy, but staying the way you are will be much harder in the long run.

Knine

denhaagenite wrote: »

Yes, we all know childcare of course is a fulltime responsibility, but it is not a job. A job in this context means that you earn money. Money that pays for childcare, which would probably be affordable if her partner worked. Yes there are situations where the child needs to stay at home sick but most workplaces are understanding of this, and having a job entitles you to vacation days which can be taken if they aren't understanding about it. No-one would ever leave the house if it was too much trouble to feed or dress their children before school/ crèche/ whatever. What excuses does this guy plan to use once the child starts school?

Having a stay at home parent is not something that most families can afford when they have to pay €1350 per month on rent. It would be a different situation if they had more than one child but it's ridiculous, he's got a degree that he's not using and is complaining about "having" to stay at home when in truth he just can't be bothered which can't be a nice attitude for the child anyway. The OP is being realistic, there is no sense in berating her for this, or for using language that's not fluffy and loving enough to describe the situation that's causing her current state of mind.

OP, what kind of things have you considered to improve your money situation? Have you checked out crèche prices in the area? Are there houses within commutable distance that you have looked into? Do you have a driving licence? Is your partner in receipt of any social welfare payments? If so, is he contributing to bills etc? If not, why not? You do need to try and start looking at things from a different perspective if you want to change things, it's not going to happen if you sit and stew and do nothing. It might not be easy, but staying the way you are will be much harder in the long run.

Looking after a child full time can be a hell of a lot more demanding then many jobs.

Contributing to bills? By the fact that the OP has no childcare fees her partner is contributing hugely to the household. Creche fees could well cost more then the rent being paid. If the OP ends up as a single parent how will she manage rent & childcare fees?

Not every employer is sympathetic to sick children especially when a child in a creche environment catches everything going. I personally would much prefer my child be minded by a parent then a creche chain or unrelated childminder. Has the OP considered the child in any of this or the fact there are not many construction jobs available at the minute.

denhaagenite

Knine wrote: »

Not every employer is sympathetic to sick children especially when a child in a creche environment catches everything going. I personally would much prefer my child be minded by a parent then a creche chain or unrelated childminder.

So would everyone, but it's not always possible. Reality bites. It is highly unlikely that a full time wage in the field that the OPs partner has a degree in would be less than crèche costs. Not to mention that keeping them at home for the first 4 years of their lives will stop them from building up immunity to coughs, colds etc and from learning from the other children through play- you're just kicking the can down the road for when they have to go to school, and I can imagine missing days in school might be more problematic than creche. As I said before, if it was that difficult to work and have children, no one would do it.

Knine wrote: »

Contributing to bills? By the fact that the OP has no childcare fees her partner is contributing hugely to the household. Creche fees could well cost more then the rent being paid. If the OP ends up as a single parent how will she manage rent & childcare fees?

This may be so but both parents need to contribute to the raising of the child, and while it's not nice to talk about finances we all have to do it. She hasn't got two pennies to rub together after paying rent, bills, food, health insurance probably, but he's got €130 odd a week to do whatever he likes with? Nice for him that the childcare is so lucrative. He's also got a few nixers with his website design business don't forget. If she was a single parent she would most likely be entitled to court ordered maintenance and would not have to feed and put a roof over her partner's head. I am not suggesting that she leave him at all, I am just addressing Knine's question.

Knine wrote: »

...there are not many construction jobs available at the minute.

Read the OP, he worked in construction but this is not the area his degree is in.

Idle Passerby

You're fixating on the negative. It does you no good to compare yourself with others who appear to be better off, its just making you bitter and resentful. That's not going to help you get out of the situation your in.

The first solution that springs to mind is learn to drive so you can give up the expensive rented house and move to your partners mothers house in the country.

But since it actually sounds like you don't want to be with your partner anymore, maybe that's not the best idea after all. He seems like a Monday-Friday Au Pair more than anything else. If you were to break up with your partner would the cost of childcare be greater or less than the cost of supporting him?

Sorry to be harsh but you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Sit down and work out where all your money is going. Stop spending on things that aren't necessary and try to find cheaper alternatives for the necessities.

Have you considered that when you own a house you will have more besides the mortgage to worry about?

MagicMarker

OP, it sounds like your mother has given you your solution here. You dump the BF and move in with her, quick as a flash all of your financial problems disappear. It doesn't sound like you particularly like your BF and it doesn't sound like he's your sons biological father, so what exactly is stopping you?

I would say though that you seem to have an unhealthy obsession with buying a house though.

Knine

Lol at the OP being able to go to court to get maintenance....... with little or no income how much exactly do you think a judge is going to order her (ex) partner to pay? I have been down that route so know exactly what I am talking about. Even when they do have a job, they pay very little towards the child's actual costs.

So she would still have rent to pay and very likely have to pay childcare too.

The issue I'm seeing is that the OP does not realise or seem any way grateful that her partner is looking after 'her' child. Instead she is bitter and resentful. It is a handy number getting up for work in the morning when you have someone else looking after the child. Altogether different when you have to do it yourself or do drop offs before you even leave for work.

I agree with Idle Passerby. Stop being so negative, sit down and decide if you want to be with your partner who seems to be your babysitter and if you do maybe discuss with him what options you can come up with that suits everybody. Maybe you could take parental leave a couple of days per week while he works and then you will see that childcare is not such a walk in the park.

Xidu

Build a garage firstly and move in the garage, and then build the main house.

Supercell

OP, does your partner know how to drive?
Get a cheap reliable second hand car - see the motors forum for "bangernomics", and get him to teach you how to drive or if he doesn't know get lessons.
You will be able to live rent free and thus save for a house and also open up a world of opportunities for you and him that you both don't have without transport. Personally i think money spent on that now would be money well spent. You could borrow some off your mother if she will lend to you until you live in your partners house and can pay her back, lessons are not massively expensive compared to living rent free.

Regarding the rest of it, you need to sit down with your partner and give him a verbal kick up the ass from the sounds of things and tell him to man up and start pulling his weight around the house, what kind of example is he setting to your kid?

MouseTail

I don't think moving to the rent free place will provide any additional motivation for him to work or seek work. In fact you may be right OP, he will get even more comfortable.

Its not about him contributing by being a stay at home parent. That only works if it is a choice, and done with good grace. This man moans about minding the child, resents it, yet still makes no effort to find work.

Its time for one final ultimatum, and mean it this time.

denhaagenite

Knine wrote: »

Lol at the OP being able to go to court to get maintenance....... with little or no income how much exactly do you think a judge is going to order her (ex) partner to pay? I have been down that route so know exactly what I am talking about. Even when they do have a job, they pay very little towards the child's actual costs.

So she would still have rent to pay and very likely have to pay childcare too.

The issue I'm seeing is that the OP does not realise or seem any way grateful that her partner is looking after 'her' child. Instead she is bitter and resentful. It is a handy number getting up for work in the morning when you have someone else looking after the child. Altogether different when you have to do it yourself or do drop offs before you even leave for work.

I agree with Idle Passerby. Stop being so negative, sit down and decide if you want to be with your partner who seems to be your babysitter and if you do maybe discuss with him what options you can come up with that suits everybody. Maybe you could take parental leave a couple of days per week while he works and then you will see that childcare is not such a walk in the park.

OK, you seem to think I'm attacking your way of living- I'm not. I know nothing about you. The OP has asked for some advice (not you, wouldn't dream of giving anyone advice unless they asked for it) and I'm trying to oblige. I think it would be easier for her to work hard for herself and her child rather than herself, her child and her child's father at the moment, as it is making her resentful. He's working for himself and the smallie, but not the whole family.

I think that for a relationship to survive, both people need to pull their weight which, by the sounds of things, he's not. He needs to remember his partner, not just behave like he's doing her a favour by looking after the little one. They never discussed one of them being a stay at home parent, she never had a choice. I'm pretty sure that she would love to have the opportunity to find out for herself how difficult being a full time parent is, but he has decided for both of them that a) there is going to be a stay at home parent and b) it's going to be him.

Merkin

MagicMarker wrote: »

OP, it sounds like your mother has given you your solution here. You dump the BF and move in with her, quick as a flash all of your financial problems disappear. It doesn't sound like you particularly like your BF and it doesn't sound like he's your sons biological father, so what exactly is stopping you?

Did I miss something MM? I thought they were both parents of the child?

OP, I'm worried about you and am afraid that you have hit the bottle again...:(

Knine

denhaagenite wrote: »

OK, you seem to think I'm attacking your way of living- I'm not. I know nothing about you. The OP has asked for some advice (not you, wouldn't dream of giving anyone advice unless they asked for it) and I'm trying to oblige. I think it would be easier for her to work hard for herself and her child rather than herself, her child and her child's father at the moment, as it is making her resentful. He's working for himself and the smallie, but not the whole family.

I think that for a relationship to survive, both people need to pull their weight which, by the sounds of things, he's not. He needs to remember his partner, not just behave like he's doing her a favour by looking after the little one. They never discussed one of them being a stay at home parent, she never had a choice. I'm pretty sure that she would love to have the opportunity to find out for herself how difficult being a full time parent is, but he has decided for both of them that a) there is going to be a stay at home parent and b) it's going to be him.

It is not actually my way of living!

I think there appears to be a huge breakdown in communication. The OP needs to sit down & talk to her partner!

lollsangel

OP I want to tell you my story. I was 21 when I bought my house, 23 when I got married, and 25 when I had enough and walked away. We had no kids, but he didnt want to work, clesning the house was womens work, and I wasnt allowed a car, he was seriously abusive mentally and verbally mostly. I had paid the lions sharebof the mortgage, utility bills, repairs etc as I workedas many hours as I could to make ends meet. I would also easily swallow a bottle of vodka when things got tough, hey it numbed how I felt inside right! I got 15k back (14k after id paid solicitors fees) not a great deal really.

Now I rent, have 2 beautiful 4 year olds, and a loving partner, couldnt be happier. I went back working parttime last October. Hopefully someday we will have the m8ney to buy a house, we're saving slowly. As for my drinkingm the day I found out I was pregnant was the day I decided to stop drinking, and except for one binge after some family issues haven't touched it.

you need to re evaluate your relationships and decide where you want to go

Neyite

I think you need to stop focusing on the things that you cant change - like your partners laziness, or your brothers wealth, because its a waste of time and energy and will only bring you down and ultimately lead you back to drinking.

So what if your brother is loaded? He chose to live this way and made choices in life that got him where he is today. He may have found going to London when he was younger scary and daunting and lonely, but he took the leap, and worked hard to get where he is today. You chose to live your way - you chose 4 years ago to meet someone who stopped work around the same time your relationship began, and still, you chose to have a child with him, what, 18 months ago? But instead of acknowledging that you chose these things in life, that you made your own bed so to speak, you resent him for being the person he has always been since you've known him. You cant change someone, which it seems is what you want here. They can only change themselves.

You can choose to leave your partner, and maybe find someone who is ambitious and hard-working to share a mortgage with.
You can choose to re-home pets to give you more choice in rental accommodation.
You can choose to remain a non-driver which restricts your living arrangements even further.
You can choose to up-skill to help you get a higher salary to qualify for a bigger mortgage.

Or you can choose to stay where you are, simmering with resentment and feeling other people are to blame for your life choices and feeling bitter with at the success that others have worked for that has seemed to pass you by.

ncmc

Hi OP, there is a lot going on in your posts so it’s hard to know where to start. I think the most worrying aspect of all your posts is that you drank a bottle of wine a couple of nights ago. I strongly suggest you seek help about this. You say you don’t like AA but there are other avenues you could go down. There is a very good non drinkers forum here on Boards, there are a lot of recovering alcoholics there, so that might be a place to start. Please just don’t let it slide, you have done so well to remain sober so long, please address this slip up.

The second issue is your relationship with your partner. You have to ask yourself if you want to be with him as things stand now because quite frankly it sounds like you are very resentful of him and there isn’t much love or respect for him coming across in your posts. While I totally agree with other posters who have said that staying at home minding a child is work and that agreement works for some people, that decision needs to be agreed between both partners and the pros and cons carefully weighed up. It’s not acceptable for one person to decide they don’t want to work and that’s that. You mention website design, that’s something he could be doing in evenings and weekends, so there is no reason why he can’t contribute financially towards the household. I can see where you are coming from, he sounds like he is a bit lazy and it sounds like this view is shared by your mother, so you really need to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you want to be with this man long term. If not, you need to leave him, it’s not healthy to bring up a child in a situation where the parents are at each others throat.

The other issue is your living arrangements. I think the best solution is the one of moving in to his mothers house. That way you get to keep your family together (including dog!) and you get to live rent free. The issue would be extra travel time and costs. The costs are not significant compared to the rent you are currently paying, you could pick up a car quite cheaply and lessons shouldn’t cost you too much. Of course there are petrol, insurance, tax etc, but you’d be saving €1300 per month on rent, Your car should not cost more than €500 per month. The extra traffic times are a disadvantage, but you just have to look at it as a short term problem towards your greater goal.

The next issue is your obsession with home ownership which I think is a bit naïve. It comes across to me that you are gathering all the other issues in your life and making it all about home ownership. A huge amount of people can’t afford to own their own home at the moment, but you are so lucky in that you have the chance to save towards a deposit by living in you MIL house. Most people don’t have that option. You need to carefully think about home ownership though, you say the mortgage is ‘only’ €900, you also need life insurance, home insurance and property tax which will add at least €100 to that and then there is the issue of maintenance on your own home. I can see why you would want to own your own home, but you shouldn’t allow it to become the be all and end all.

To be honest, you come across as quite a negative person, rather than seeing solutions, you see problems, you look at others around you and compare yourself unfavourably to them. That’s pointless, you don’t know what issues they have in their life.

TL/DR

Seek help for your relapse
Decide once and for all if you want to be in a relationship with your partner
Get going on driving a car and move into MIL house
Stop being so negative and look at the solutions rather than the problems