Can't afford to save

LegacyUser

I am so unhappy today. I have realised that there is a very real possibility that I will never be able to afford a new home. I pay €1350 per month in rent. My partner does not work and any money he does make, I never see it. He stays at home with our son. He is constantly complaining that he has "given up his career" to raise our child. It infuriates me because 1) he had no career - he was in construction, went to college, graduated and since then has been building the odd website. This he has done for 4 years. He has no real plan. He is happy to plod along the way things are. I pay all the household bills and am not able to save for a deposit for a house as a result. Honestly, I resent lining my landlords pockets. I feel like I am in a cycle of poverty because I cannot move up the ladder.

Some days I wish I had met someone else, that I didnt go out that night. I wish I met someone who was more driven and wanted to support his family.

My brother is an investment banker in the UK He owns a 4000 square foot house in a top end part of London. I am on 40k a year so would only get a mortgage for 160k. WTF can I buy with that? I had hoped to live in a house, not a poxy apartment. My mother pointed out that my dog is costing me a fortune because I have to rent a house with a garden and not rent a cheaper apartment. But in the area I am living you could only get a one bed apartment for 1100 anyway so...

My mother has offered that my son and I could live with her and I could save up for a deposit but she wont take my partner because she thinks he is a waster and she cant have my dog because she lives in an apartment. In 2 years living at home I could have saved up enough to have a deposit for a house but that would be 2 years living without my partner and listening to my mom going on about how much of a failure my life has been.

My partners mother lives abroad so we could live in her house but she lives down the country and I don't drive so I would need a lift into the bus every morning and a pick up every evening - thats 30 minute trip for my partner 2 times a day and an hour bus journey to Dublin to work. Its not really feasible.

I am a recovering alcoholic, I have been sober for 4 years but last night I drank a bottle of wine because I was so depressed with the way things have gone. I wont be drinking again because even when I was drunk I didn't feel happy, I just felt angry.

I need perspective, so I am looking for advice. What can I do to improve my situation?

StuckInACycleOfPoverty

StuckInACycleOfPoverty wrote: »

I am so unhappy today. I have realised that there is a very real possibility that I will never be able to afford a new home. I pay €1350 per month in rent. My partner does not work and any money he does make, I never see it. He stays at home with our son. He is constantly complaining that he has "given up his career" to raise our child. It infuriates me because 1) he had no career - he was in construction, went to college, graduated and since then has been building the odd website. This he has done for 4 years. He has no real plan. He is happy to plod along the way things are. I pay all the household bills and am not able to save for a deposit for a house as a result. Honestly, I resent lining my landlords pockets. I feel like I am in a cycle of poverty because I cannot move up the ladder.

Some days I wish I had met someone else, that I didnt go out that night. I wish I met someone who was more driven and wanted to support his family.

My brother is an investment banker in the UK He owns a 4000 square foot house in a top end part of London. I am on 40k a year so would only get a mortgage for 160k. WTF can I buy with that? I had hoped to live in a house, not a poxy apartment. My mother pointed out that my dog is costing me a fortune because I have to rent a house with a garden and not rent a cheaper apartment. But in the area I am living you could only get a one bed apartment for 1100 anyway so...

My mother has offered that my son and I could live with her and I could save up for a deposit but she wont take my partner because she thinks he is a waster and she cant have my dog because she lives in an apartment. In 2 years living at home I could have saved up enough to have a deposit for a house but that would be 2 years living without my partner and listening to my mom going on about how much of a failure my life has been.

My partners mother lives abroad so we could live in her house but she lives down the country and I don't drive so I would need a lift into the bus every morning and a pick up every evening - thats 30 minute trip for my partner 2 times a day and an hour bus journey to Dublin to work. Its not really feasible.

I am a recovering alcoholic, I have been sober for 4 years but last night I drank a bottle of wine because I was so depressed with the way things have gone. I wont be drinking again because even when I was drunk I didn't feel happy, I just felt angry.

I need perspective, so I am looking for advice. What can I do to improve my situation?

These are some pretty important points right there.

First, with regards to your partner - you're starting to resent him like crazy. I don't know whether it is deserved or not, but it should be a warning flag for anybody. He also seems to be resenting you too - "I'm missing out on a career to mind our son yada yada".

Second, as a recovering alcoholic you should know how easily it is to slip. A bottle of wine could lead on to more and more if you don't at least try to change your situation.

Your partner has to work - there's no other way about it. Is he on social welfare? I'm guessing building the odd website wouldn't bring in anywhere near enough funds for him. If he is, tell him that there are many courses available for him to get retrained in a career.

I'm a bit hesitant to give advice, because of the factors involved, but what I would say is maybe you should take your mother up on her offer. Stay with her, leave the dog with your partner. And give him an ultimatum that he needs to get on some sort of career path or that's the way it will stay. If both are working, then you should have none of those worries whatsoever.

Pawwed Rig

You seem very angry towards your partner. I would say it is not that unusual in Ireland for 1 parent to give up work to mind the child. That said it is often the mother but thankfully that is changing now.
What do you actually want? Do you need him to be the bread winner? Not everyone can be an investment banker and if his history is in construction I am sure you realise how difficult it would be to get a job there at this stage.

Buying a house is not the be all and end all. Renting is a perfectly reasible way to loive your life, albeit non traditional in an Irish sense.

LegacyUser

You see, I don't want him to be a stay at home dad. I want him to work. He has a degree - why doesn't he use it? We never sat down and discussed him not working and me going back to work. He just didn't get a job. He says he would much rather be working but I don't believe him. If that was the case he would be applying for jobs. Ok it mightn't be in the field that he wants to work in. I'm not working in the field I want to work in. But I have to support my son.

As for renting vs owning, what happens when I am an OAP? How am I supposed to pay for a nursing home if I don't have the house to use as collateral? I want the security of a house that in 20-30 years, I can call my own. My mother went off on a rant that having a mortgage means I would never be able to take time off work. But doesn't the same apply for renting? I can't take time off anyway because if i do the landlord will turf me out on my ear.

I have done the math and my mortgage would be 900 euro per month. As I am paying 1350 per month on rent I will actually be saving money and at least I will have something to show for all the money spent at the end of it. I might as well burn my money. I will see nothing for all the money spent on rent.

I am just so blue that I am stuck in a rut, I cant get onto the property ladder and my partner says I should just be happy because I have my son...

What a crock of s**t. I am happy I have my son, I love him more than anything.

I just want a stable future for him and right now, I don't see it.

I fcuked up royally in my 20s drinking, went back to college to change my career and then dropped out in third year because I realised I wasn't cut out for it - I am not really that smart - so I am a decade behind my friends on the career ladder. Top that off with the fact that they are all married or dating guys/gals that are hard workers. Ahhhhhhh! How could I be so stupid???

freshpopcorn

Well I get your angry with your partner but
if you want the relationship to last suggest returning to college/finding a different area of work/ remember tough if you do this you have to pay for child care.
Saying construction wasn't a career is a bit harsh.
Also your brother went down a different path to you. If he lost his job in the morning how long could he keep paying the bills for to keep his big house.
where your renting now sounds expensive so I think you might need to move further onto the commuter belt. This might mean you have to learn to drive.
I'd be more worried that your drinking again.

Pawwed Rig

StuckInACycleOfPoverty wrote: »

You see, I don't want him to be a stay at home dad. I want him to work. He has a degree - why doesn't he use it? We never sat down and discussed him not working and me going back to work. He just didn't get a job. He says he would much rather be working but I don't believe him. If that was the case he would be applying for jobs. Ok it mightn't be in the field that he wants to work in. I'm not working in the field I want to work in. But I have to support my son.

I think you need to have a serious chat with him and both be honest with what you want from life. Sounds like there is a communication breakdown.
You would of course have to consider childcare costs were he to work again.

denhaagenite

Don't be so hard on yourself- you're supporting a whole family! That takes far more hard work than uni, that's for sure. Can you return at some point to finish the academic work that you have done? Are you entitled to some kind of back to education allowance?

Well done for knocking the booze on the head, don't let this rut ruin all that. Where was your partner when slipped up last night? It does sound like you're more attached to the dog than him, is it just because you are unhappy with the situation as it stands or do you think there are deeper cracks in the relationship?

You need to talk to him. Work out if you want him to stay or go, and if you want him to stay tell him that you are not happy being the sole earner and that he has to get a job. Owning a house isn't everything, but the rent you are paying on somewhere you don't want to live is completely ridiculous. Check around to see if there is somewhere cheaper available, and possibly look into houses instead of apartments. Are there any tax reliefs you might be entitled to?

Most important thing is to have a think about how the situation could improve- do some budget projections and show your partner that the way you're living is not sustainable and that he needs to cop on and take some responsibility. Also, tell him that it is his choice to be a stay at home parent, no- one is forcing him and that you are exhausted from shouldering the burden of the whole family.

Merkin

My partner does not work and any money he does make, I never see it. He stays at home with our son. He is constantly complaining that he has "given up his career" to raise our child. It infuriates me because 1) he had no career - he was in construction, went to college, graduated and since then has been building the odd website. This he has done for 4 years. He has no real plan. He is happy to plod along the way things are.

This is completely unacceptable. You both need to work. He needs to have a plan. Why isn't he proactively applying for jobs?

I pay all the household bills and am not able to save for a deposit for a house as a result. Honestly, I resent lining my landlords pockets. I feel like I am in a cycle of poverty because I cannot move up the ladder.

You need to forget about the ladder for now until you both sort yourselves out.

My brother is an investment banker in the UK He owns a 4000 square foot house in a top end part of London.

Comparing yourself to other people is a fast-track to feeling miserable. Don't do this to yourself. Your brother did very well, fair play to him.

My partners mother lives abroad so we could live in her house but she lives down the country and I don't drive so I would need a lift into the bus every morning and a pick up every evening - thats 30 minute trip for my partner 2 times a day and an hour bus journey to Dublin to work. Its not really feasible.

You have to make getting your driving license a priority. If your mother-in-law will let you live in her house then you would save a fortune. If the only obstacle in your way is the fact that you can't drive then you need to sort that out. Get your license!

I am a recovering alcoholic, I have been sober for 4 years but last night I drank a bottle of wine because I was so depressed with the way things have gone. I wont be drinking again because even when I was drunk I didn't feel happy, I just felt angry.

This is very worrying development. It's such a slippery slope. Please go back to AA, have you got a meeting near you? I'm afraid you could take on your entire drinking problem again and everyone starts with "just the one" bottle of wine. Please address this immediately.

LegacyUser

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Well I get your angry with your partner but
if you want the relationship to last suggest returning to college/finding a different area of work/ remember tough if you do this you have to pay for child care.
Saying construction wasn't a career is a bit harsh.
Also your brother went down a different path to you. If he lost his job in the morning how long could he keep paying the bills for to keep his big house.
where your renting now sounds expensive so I think you might need to move further onto the commuter belt. This might mean you have to learn to drive.
I'd be more worried that your drinking again.

I didn't mean that construction wasn't a career. He had left the industry and returned to college before the crash. But, when he left college he didnt even bother looking for work. He just went on unemployment benefit and built the odd website. It is a complete joke.

I have tried to get his family to say something to him but looks like they couldn't be bothered getting involved. Even for the sake of their grandson/nephew. They say that they dont want to get involved in it, its none of their business. Their brother/their nephew is none of their business? Honest to god that what they said. I don't understand some families. My mother and all my siblings were very clear about the fact that I would have to return to work after 6 months maternity leave for the sake of my son. I do not understand why no one in his family will pull him aside and tell him to sort his act out. They are all working, how can they think its grand for him not to?

I did suggest him to return to college - again and he did to retrain in computers but he didnt take it seriously and instead during study leave used it as time to study something that wasn't even on the course. FFS! no wonder he failed his exams.

He only applys for dream jobs. Never for a stepping stone job. Call centre work? Retail? Forget about it, hes too precious.

I wouldn't mind paying for childcare if he were working. Sure wouldn't his pay cover it?

But thats a good point, if i do move home then the money I am saving on rent would just go to child care so how in Christ am I supposed to ever be able to afford to save for a deposit? How does everyone else do it?

Cant afford a car, thats why I am not driving.

username123

You need to sit down and talk about your shared vision of the future. If its not the same vision or you feel that within the vision there is too much responsibility being placed on you - then you need to discuss that.

IMO he needs to work because (a) you dont want him being a stay at home dad and (b) he doesnt want to be a stay at home dad and (c) you are both under financial pressure.

In saying that, its hard to get work these days and he would need to earn above a certain level to make it worthwhile for him to be working because once he works you will have childcare costs.

I think you should consider the situation re the dog. Im a huge animal lover and believe pets are members of the family, but I also think humans come first and you cannot have it that you are on the poverty line because of the costs of living in a place with a garden because of the dog. Think hard about this, you dont want to end up resenting the dog either, and its not fair on anyone, you, your son, your partner - if everyone is suffering because the dog dictates the living arrangements.

You know that you do not have to stay with a partner in a life that makes you unhappy. You can move on and go after the things in life that you want. That is allowed. You sound very frustrated and I dont blame you, the picture you paint is bleak. But you do have the power to change it.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

This is completely unacceptable. You both need to work. He needs to have a plan. Why isn't he proactively applying for jobs?



You need to forget about the ladder for now until you both sort yourselves out.



Comparing yourself to other people is a fast-track to feeling miserable. Don't do this to yourself. Your brother did very well, fair play to him.



You have to make getting your driving license a priority. If your mother-in-law will let you live in her house then you would save a fortune. If the only obstacle in your way is the fact that you can't drive then you need to sort that out. Get your license!



This is very worrying development. It's such a slippery slope. Please go back to AA, have you got a meeting near you? I'm afraid you could take on your entire drinking problem again and everyone starts with "just the one" bottle of wine. Please address this immediately.

Thanks for the honesty.

So forget about the property ladder I will never own a home. I am so depressed...

Living down the country and commuting to work and going to meetings both mean one thing - less time with my son. I already work a 40 hr week add commute 2 hrs a day = 50 hrs away from my son + a meeting a couple of meetings a week = 52-53 hrs away from my son. All because he wont work - it is so depressing.

I honestly think if we move to his mothers house he would definitely be happy to sit on his arse all day. He wouldnt have to listen to me complain about wasting all my money on rent. he could carry on drawing the dole and building the odd website... jaysus. I wish I could go back in time and get my friends to go to a different bar that night... If I hadnt met him, where would i be now

freshpopcorn

Just to add.
I am going to get slatted for this but it's sort of good you don't have a mortgage at the moment to be honest.
your in a relationship and you don't seem to be happy and your drinking could lead you to be in a worse situation than ever.

LegacyUser

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Just to add.
I am going to get slatted for this but it's sort of good you don't have a mortgage at the moment to be honest.
your in a relationship and you don't seem to be happy and your drinking could lead you to be in a worse situation than ever.

But what would a mortgage matter? We are not married, he would have no right to the assets if we were to split.

And the drinking could lead me to be in a worse place or it could just go away again... who knows? There are plenty of recovering alcoholics out there... believe me, you would be surprised at who is... your neighbour, the guy sitting opposite you in work. You wouldnt know... anyway far better to be a recovering alcoholic than a bar fly

Though you are right - the drinking is a sign that I must be unhappy... I just dont know what to do about making myself happy. hence, why I am looking for pointed advice.

StuckInACycleOfPoverty

StuckInACycleOfPoverty wrote: »

But what would a mortgage matter? We are not married, he would have no right to the assets if we were to split.

After 5 years of living together (or maybe it's less now) my understanding is that he would possibly have an entitlement.

Would you consider bringing the dog to the apartment anyway - I know people who live with dogs in apartments. You'd have to commit to walking out with the dog every time he needs to go out and bring him out for walks as well (with your son as some quality time?) but I don't think apartment necessarily = no dog, especially if it's on a temporary basis.

You also wouldn't need to spend 2 years there, you could do it temporarily as I said and it would give you some breathing space to consider your options. You seem a little fixated on the owning a house thing (which I freely admit is not something I ever understood myself) - maybe you could just find somewhere cheaper to rent without the pressure of dealing with everything at once.
You would also be in a better position to sit down and talk things through with your partner without that background stress, and figure out what the two of you want in life and if/how you can achieve it together, etc.

Pawwed Rig

StuckInACycleOfPoverty wrote: »

But what would a mortgage matter? We are not married, he would have no right to the assets if we were to split.

I wouldn't be too sure of that. As the childs primary carer he may be given full custody (although it would be unusual in Ireland). In which case he gets to keep the house and you get to pay the mortgage.
You need to consider your options carefully. If you were male you would be definitely setting yourself up for a world of trouble and expense.

freshpopcorn

StuckInACycleOfPoverty wrote: »

But what would a mortgage matter? We are not married, he would have no right to the assets if we were to split.

And the drinking could lead me to be in a worse place or it could just go away again... who knows? There are plenty of recovering alcoholics out there... believe me, you would be surprised at who is... your neighbour, the guy sitting opposite you in work. You wouldnt know... anyway far better to be a recovering alcoholic than a bar fly

Though you are right - the drinking is a sign that I must be unhappy... I just dont know what to do about making myself happy. hence, why I am looking for pointed advice.

Cohabiting. He could have an entitlement to a properly you buy if your in a relationship for 5 years or so.

Merkin

Do you actually love your partner OP? Do you want to be with them?

LegacyUser

denhaagenite wrote: »

Don't be so hard on yourself- you're supporting a whole family! That takes far more hard work than uni, that's for sure. Can you return at some point to finish the academic work that you have done? Are you entitled to some kind of back to education allowance?

Well done for knocking the booze on the head, don't let this rut ruin all that. Where was your partner when slipped up last night? It does sound like you're more attached to the dog than him, is it just because you are unhappy with the situation as it stands or do you think there are deeper cracks in the relationship?

You need to talk to him. Work out if you want him to stay or go, and if you want him to stay tell him that you are not happy being the sole earner and that he has to get a job. Owning a house isn't everything, but the rent you are paying on somewhere you don't want to live is completely ridiculous. Check around to see if there is somewhere cheaper available, and possibly look into houses instead of apartments. Are there any tax reliefs you might be entitled to?

Most important thing is to have a think about how the situation could improve- do some budget projections and show your partner that the way you're living is not sustainable and that he needs to cop on and take some responsibility. Also, tell him that it is his choice to be a stay at home parent, no- one is forcing him and that you are exhausted from shouldering the burden of the whole family.

This is exactly how I feel. I am supporting the entire family and it is not fair. It really isn't. I have tried to sit him down 100's of times - ultimatums, coercion, being supportive... nothing works. Sometimes he gets motivated for a day or so but then he has me spell check every cover letter he sends... Yeah, I have a job too you know. He blames me for not helping him learn how to program. FFS no one helped me... you put the effort in, you learn. End of story. I am so exhausted of it now and I dont know how to get him to work. If i had a crystal ball and could see into the future then I could make an informed decision.

Mostly I just want a house.

And then what to do about the dog? Get rid of him? Jaysus... thats not right. The poor thing has done nothing wrong but I do resent him. All i see now is a mess maker when I look at him.

LegacyUser

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

I wouldn't be too sure of that. As the childs primary carer he may be given full custody (although it would be unusual in Ireland). In which case he gets to keep the house and you get to pay the mortgage.
You need to consider your options carefully. If you were male you would be definitely setting yourself up for a world of trouble and expense.

He isn't even a legal guardian.

That is so upsetting to hear. The only reason he is the childs primary carer is because he WONT WORK and so I have to. Believe me, its not like i want to go out and work and leave my son. He goes away every weekend to his mothers house down the country I honestly dont think he even misses my son when he is away. I havent spent a single night away from him.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Do you actually love your partner OP? Do you want to be with them?

Not today, I don't. I am just being honest. My dream of having a home to live in is looking further and further away and its all because he wont work.

I am so unhappy

Sleepy

Honestly, you seem like you'd leave your partner before you'd give up your dog.... not a good sign OP.

You're far from being alone in not being able to save for a deposit, there's thousands of us stuck in similar positions. Can you find a cheaper area to live in? 1350 seems quite high to me when your only real requirement is for a 2 bed with a garden.

First question: do you love your partner still? Or is he just a convenient child-minder that you put up / resent for not providing for you and your son? You don't mention a single positive trait or any degree of affection for him.

Once you've figured that out, it's time to sit down and discuss things with him. An entry-level position in most industries isn't going to be easy to get after a 4 year gap since doing his degree and, with the cost of childcare in this country, may actually result in your joint income being lower than it presently is while he gains his initial experience.

My wife was a stay-at-home mother ever since our daughter was born for this exact reason: with two kids we couldn't afford for her to work. Even with both of our kids in school, were we to pay for childminding, account for the tax differences of me not being able to use her tax credits etc. there'd be nothing left of her income. Add on travel costs, maintaining a work wardrobe, staff parties / leaving dos etc. and it would have cost us money for her to have a job. Just this month she's started to mind a friend of a friends daughter for a few days a week and it's made a considerable difference to our financial circumstances (actually opened a savings account for the first time in the 6 years we've been together!).

Could your partner make a go of his websites endeavors if he marketed himself a little? It would be an ideal way for him to earn some income whilst not having to give up his role as care-giver to your son. On the other hand, construction is beginning to pick up a little again, though presumably the wages on offer are far lower than they once were so you'll need to do the maths as to whether it's worth him trying to find work in that industry again...

How else can you improve your situation?

Try to worry less about your brothers success or how you compare to others, focus on enjoying your own life. Obviously it's worth exploring if you could negotiate a pay raise, get some overtime or find more lucrative employment, seeing if there are bills you can bring down by moving service providers, downgrading packages, substituting Sky subscription for a one-off installation of a freeview receiver, shopping in Lidl/Aldi and planning your meals for the week etc. Most of the country are doing this to one extent or another so it's no sign of being a failure. Maybe you've done all that already but in my experience it's a bit of an ongoing job to really stay on top of it.

burnhardlanger

You're stuck in a cycle of poverty but you're earning 40k a year?
I am confused. What would you define as not being in poverty?

Owning a house? Keeping up with the Joneses?

From reading your posts it seems that your OH is a feckless, good for nothing layabout who you resent bitterly. Which is not healthy for a relationship.

StuckInACycleOfPoverty

StuckInACycleOfPoverty wrote: »

Not today, I don't. I am just being honest. My dream of having a home to live in is looking further and further away and its all because he wont work.

I am so unhappy

OP did you get with him because you viewed him as a means to buying a house?

LegacyUser

burnhardlanger wrote: »

You're stuck in a cycle of poverty but you're earning 40k a year?

Yes - I am what they call teh squeezed middle and I doubt I am the only one

I am confused. What would you define as not being in poverty? [/QUOTE] - making ends meet, being able to save for a deposit so I could buy a house...

burnhardlanger wrote: »

Owning a house?

Yes please [/QUOTE]

burnhardlanger wrote: »

Keeping up with the Joneses?

- please! Perhaps if I had had my head screwed on during my 20s this could be my worry... but sadly, no... today the security of a house would be enough..

burnhardlanger wrote: »

From reading your posts it seems that your OH is a feckless, good for nothing layabout who you resent bitterly. Which is not healthy for a relationship.

I do resent him. Isn't that horrible? My sister is my age and has a daughter my sons age. She is married and has her mortgage paid off. Her husband has a 2 bed that he rents out so that mortgage is covered. They are having their second child this year.

Why is this guy motivated to work but my OH is not?

If I earned less, I would probably get more support from the government. Currently I get childrens allowance and thats it but

Merkin

StuckInACycleOfPoverty wrote: »

Not today, I don't. I am just being honest. My dream of having a home to live in is looking further and further away and its all because he wont work.

I am so unhappy

I think you're a little too fixated on owning a house. Surely the gargantuan bubble that burst in a spectacular fashion in recent years should have taught you that?

In any event, if you were in a position to buy a house you'd be papering over some pretty massive cracks. You don't seem to love your partner. You resent your dog. Your being bled dry financially because you live with a n'er do well who has no interest in supporting his partner and child and yet your main preoccupation is with owning a house.

I would get all my other ducks in a row before even thinking of purchasing a property.

Your two main priorities now should be:

1. Go to AA. You relapsed. Sort this out immediately.

2. You need to totally reevaluate your relationship and its future. Decide if you actually want to be with your partner and if you love them enough to build a future together.

Forget about the house for now. Forget trying to keep up with the Jones's and get your life together before undertaking a commitment like owning a property.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

OP did you get with him because you viewed him as a means to buying a house?

No, I got with him for many reasons... I stayed with him because he is a kind person.. we had things in common and we still do. Also, despite not bringing in an income he is a good person but he talks an awful lot of shíte... honestly, you would think he was a venture capitalist the way he goes on...

I just want to be using my income to pay off a mortgage instead of handing it over to a stranger so he can remodel his kitchen

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

I think you're a little too fixated on owning a house. Surely the gargantuan bubble that burst in a spectacular fashion in recent years should have taught you that?

In any event, if you were in a position to buy a house you'd be papering over some pretty massive cracks. You don't seem to love your partner. You resent your dog. Your being bled dry financially because you live with a n'er do well who has no interest in supporting his partner and child and yet your main preoccupation is with owning a house.

I would get all my other ducks in a row before even thinking of purchasing a property.

Your two main priorities now should be:

1. Go to AA. You relapsed. Sort this out immediately.

2. You need to totally reevaluate your relationship and its future. Decide if you actually want to be with your partner and if you love them enough to build a future together.

Forget about the house for now. Forget trying to keep up with the Jones's and get your life together before undertaking a commitment like owning a property.

Thanks Merkin,

Good kick up the arse as usual...

1. I dont want to go to AA meetings... they are full of whingy alcoholics... all that steps nonsense and god talk... would make you want to scrape your skin off with a sander...

2. Reevaluate my relationship - why? I am complaining that he doesn't work so doesn't help with the bills... if he had a decent income we could both work and we could save for a deposit for a house and a mortgage.

3. A house would save me money - 900 vs 1350 seems a no brainer to me... the thing about him taking the house and me getting visitation with my son scares the bejaysus out of me but he is down as living at his mothers house and not in the house I am renting... and it would stay that way...

username123

Forget the house buying for a minute. If you were in a relationship where you felt loved and supported and were in love with your partner you wouldnt be fixated on a house solving all your problems. I have a mortgage, on an apartment, and its crap. Id rather be renting than stuck with massive negative equity.

You need to sort out the things that are making you unhappy. Stop wishing his family would tell him to work, or that he would magically want to work.

He isnt working and you have already begged, pleaded, cajoled - so take action. Move out and move on and stop wasting your life wishing you could make your partner be a different person.

Sleepy

username123 wrote: »

Forget the house buying for a minute. If you were in a relationship where you felt loved and supported and were in love with your partner you wouldnt be fixated on a house solving all your problems. I have a mortgage, on an apartment, and its crap. Id rather be renting than stuck with massive negative equity.

Second this. Owning a home is a distant dream for me and my wife right now and it's far from the end of the world.

Yes, it's incredibly frustrating being part of the "squeezed middle class" but it's really not worth getting bitter about. It's simply the reality we have to endure.

What you don't have to endure is a relationship that makes you miserable. Financially, you're likely to be even worse off without your partner (am I right is suspecting that this is all that's keeping you with him?) but that might well be worth putting up with in order to find happiness elsewhere.

ladygirl

Hi OP

If I were you at the moment I would move home with your mother. Yes its for two years approx - but for the sake of the two years you are putting yourself in a better position towards achieving your goal of buying a house.

Your other half can also use this time to sort himself out with work etc as to be honest he is just LAZY - simple as..Can he not work evening shifts so as both of you are working without the need of childcare costs (my mother did this while we were children so as to help support the household financially). But your partner would prob never agree to that - why?? - as he is LAZY!!!!!

Move to your mothers, Pay child fees care as it will be still be cheaper than your current rent/bills combination. With regards the dog - can you organise a foster home for him for the two years or possibly put him up for adoption with a forever home as unfortunately you cannot afford him at the moment.

You can get out of this viscous circle but major changes are to be made for this to be possible. Also your relationship with your partner is one which I would reconsider - he does not care about helping you support your family or home.

Magicmatilda

Firstly you seem to be completely minimising your relapse. You describe yourself as a recovering alcoholic but when you drink you can delete the recovering bit. You also mention both needing to get to meetings and also not wanted to go to meetings. So in a bit confused. Do you actually not want to drink because if not then you need to get help with your recovery as it is not working now.

As for owning a house - is that really the issue? If someone gave you a house tomorrow but everything else stayed the same would you be happy?

All I can recommend is that you see a counsellor. There are plenty of low cost and free services out there.

Btw, AA is not all about god, it is about a power greater then yourself, which you define yourself.