Farming and Relationships

onrail

Alright Lads,
A bit off the beaten track here, but I'm looking for some opinions and experiences people have had with holding a relationship/girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever while farming.
To tell my story, I'm working away from home but plan to return to the farm in 4 to 5 years. I had been going out with a lovely girl for 4 odd years before she finished it 6 months ago. It may be a bit of an over simplification , but one of the main reasons she gave me for ending it was that she didn't want to move back to with me to the farm, away from her career, friends etc. Its a fair enough reason when you think about it!

Its fair to say I was distraught at the time, because I'd lost someone who I'd planned to propose to. Over time the feeling actually got worse... Is a farming life and a relationship possible these days? Do I need to choose now whether I want a long term relationship or to take over the farm?
Thoughts/advice/experiences would be greatly appreciated... And sorry for the essay!

bob charles

onrail wrote: »

Is a farming life and a relationship possible these days?

IMV no, but everyone else will probably disagree with me. I know a good few of my friends could tell your story

Miname

they work if you want them to. just enjoy yourself for a while. i married a girl who wont even pet a dog. She does her thing and i do mine, even if she wears a suit and i'm usually wearing a cow sh1te overcoat. things will be rough for a good while (id say its happened most people on here) but you'll meet someone who will accept you (farm and all). Just dont panic.

darragh_haven

If I went back farming full time, my OH said that if she was brutally honest, it might be the beginning of the end of us. She has no rural background at all.
To summarise. Being a farmer does make it at least twice as difficult to have a long term relationship (and god knows, its hard enough as it is)

Nekarsulm

i have a friend who always swore by his "seven mile rule". If she lived further away than that, he reckoned it was'nt a runner. My advice, for what its worth, don't marry a woman who earns significantly more then you do.

Busted Flat.

onrail wrote: »

Alright Lads,
A bit off the beaten track here, but I'm looking for some opinions and experiences people have had with holding a relationship/girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever while farming.
To tell my story, I'm working away from home but plan to return to the farm in 4 to 5 years. I had been going out with a lovely girl for 4 odd years before she finished it 6 months ago. It may be a bit of an over simplification , but one of the main reasons she gave me for ending it was that she didn't want to move back to with me to the farm, away from her career, friends etc. Its a fair enough reason when you think about it!

Its fair to say I was distraught at the time, because I'd lost someone who I'd planned to propose to. Over time the feeling actually got worse... Is a farming life and a relationship possible these days? Do I need to choose now whether I want a long term relationship or to take over the farm?
Thoughts/advice/experiences would be greatly appreciated... And sorry for the essay!

Thank your lucky stars, the farm is still yours, unless you left behind a sprog.
Take care.

vermin99

To answer your question op i'd say so but it helps alot if they're from a rural background and knows it has to be done , there's some who move out from the city to live in the country and just stir trouble, like a one down the road moved out from dublin and rang the guards on a man spreading slurry because of muck on the road.some people are just pricks

mahoney_j

Farming and relationships can work if u want them to,you need to find a good work life balance.im 34 married with one child ,wife only has passing interest in farm but I involve her in it as much as I can ,I don't expect her to muck in and she appreciates that .dhe often comes down with our daughter to see how things are going.my work day in spring would be typically 06.30 to 18.00 and nos that cows are dried off its 08.30 to 17.00 .always make a point of having breakfast with them before she leaves for work and to be in before she's home where possible.i could work longer if I wanted but why???.its all about been organised

delaval

mahoney_j wrote: »

Farming and relationships can work if u want them to,you need to find a good work life balance.im 34 married with one child ,wife only has passing interest in farm but I involve her in it as much as I can ,I don't expect her to muck in and she appreciates that .dhe often comes down with our daughter to see how things are going.my work day in spring would be typically 06.30 to 18.00 and nos that cows are dried off its 08.30 to 17.00 .always make a point of having breakfast with them before she leaves for work and to be in before she's home where possible.i could work longer if I wanted but why???.its all about been organised

Wait till you have 4 at home and you'll be glad to stay in the yard ha!!!

Bodacious

hi OP,


Id say it totally depends on the person.. I was in uk for years and could never see any previous GF's here with me now but my plan always was to move home,


yet my best friend married a uk city girl and she home with him to take over the farm


My current GF is a professional but has farming background.. ours is more of a distance thing than the farming but we are working on it


my girlfriend does understand but at times .. silage season.. cows calving etc she can get frustrated with me.. farming isn't a 9-5 and she knows that but it doesn't stop her getting pissed off and hard to blame her at times

bob charles

delaval wrote: »

Wait till you have 4 at home and you'll be glad to stay in the yard ha!!!

4 wives! are you Islamic?

Muckit

If someone really loves you, they'll love you for YOU and all that entails. An obviously visa versa, you should love them for who they are.

Having my fair share of girling under my belt and now happily married, one thing I learnt is the lasting kinda love should be unconditional, not based on ultimatums that you can't live with.

It's natural to grieve the passing of a long term relationship, in some ways it's worse than the death of a loved one, because the person is still alive and your not a part of their life anymore. It's normal to feel lonely, especially around Christmas etc. You need to and you will eventually move on. Time time and more time. Keep yourself busy, keep contact with friends and get back out there. Plenty of lovely girls out there. Just make sure to have fun finding the right one.

Your in a rough patch. But things will get better. They did for me and they will for you too.

Farrell

OP, been there got the t-shirt. It was annoying at the time "smelly farmer" insults, but all worthwhile, as I married a great girl, who chips in, tries to be involved (although there's days, she prefer if we'd nothing to do), but it makes me appreciate her more.
I've friends married to girls who'd prefer if there was no farm, & others who get on with it, irrespective of background.
Don't give up, you don't know what's around the corner

severeoversteer

ye are trying to hold on to a wife or girlfriend ! ?

how do you get one in the first place?

alot of irish women are up their own hole

i know alot of decent men including myself who have been massively let down by the opposite sex

i dont know where to start so i wont bother thinking about it

clappyhappy

Hi op, would you consider getting involved on clubs in your area. Things like macra, tag rugby, drama, sport etc. at least then if you were to meet someone within those clubs they would have a basic understanding of farming life. Know 3 cousins who have met someone through macra clubs, either local or participating in competitions in other areas, two now married, other as good as.

Farrell

severeoversteer wrote: »

ye are trying to hold on to a wife or girlfriend ! ?

how do you get one in the first place?

alot of irish women are up their own hole

i know alot of decent men including myself who have been massively let down by the opposite sex

i dont know where to start so i wont bother thinking about it

Thing is not 2 give up, an older guy I worked with once told me "you've to kiss allot of toads before you find the princess, but it doesn't mean you can't have fun looking"
Only thing I'll say is, go out enjoy yourself, do the late nights & later mornings, don't go looking, it'll find you but you better be ready to grab with both hands when it does come.

iwantmydinner

Long time F&F lurker, first time poster.

OP, it can work, as others have said, you need to be organised and have your priorities straight. Most women worth your time will have a good deal of understanding for the demands of farming, even if they're not interested in the work or getting involved. (You wouldn't expect your OH to get involved in your work if you were, say, a car salesman or a dentist, so I don't knowwhy some people think a woman is uppity if she doesn't want to be involved in her fella's farm). However, it works both ways. If you think a girl deserves your time and you want to make it work, then you have to be willing to meet her half way and realise that the farm can't always come first.

As other posters have said, plenty of good women are more than willing to share their OH with a farm. G'luck!

PS to the poster who said Irish women are "up their own hole" - what does that even mean?!

keep going

No golden rule for it, things either work or they dont and I see and hear enough about non farming couples to know its not much different

Zr105

I say chin up and spend your time doing what you want to do and what you love doing! Go out have a laugh and you never know!

Sayin round here "whats for you, wont pass you"

I pretty much think it sums up life in general, you never know whats around the corner but if your ment to find it you will!

J.O. Farmer

Muckit wrote: »

If someone really loves you, they'll love you for YOU and all that entails andn obviously visa versa, you should love them for who they are.

Having my fair share of girling under my belt and now happily married, one thing I learnt is the lasting kinda love should be unconditional, not based on ultimatums that you can't live with.

It's natural to grieve the passing of a long term relationship, in some ways it's worse than the death of a loved one, because the person is still alive and your not a part of their life anymore. It's normal to feel lonely, especially around Christmas etc. You need to and you will eventually move on. Time time and more time. Keep yourself busy, keep contact with friends and get back out there. Plenty of lovely girls out there. Just make sure to have fun finding the right one.

Your in a rough patch. But things will get better. They did for me and they will for you too.

Muckit has put it better than I ever could. I am similar to you young and working away from home during the week with the plan of returning as soon as a job comes up. I can't make a living full time farming. I'm single but hope that some day I'll meet the right girl.
And when I do she will need to accept the farm as part of who I am. She may have something which is part of who she is and I will need to accept that. Point is if she couldnt accept the farm as part of who you are then shes not the girl for you.

case 956

I going out with a girl fir over 2yrs and she from outside town but uncles farm, she loves to get involved in rearing calves and milking sometimes and always asks how was my day no matter what I doing and get involved in helping with decisions (sales reps hate when she asks questions)... anyway op you will find the right girl will just take time and she too will accept who you are

munkus

You can see why women would be hesitant about going out with a farmer. The hours that have to be put in on a farm are mental compared to other professions, and little enough money for it.

They also feel that they are a secondary priority to the farm....... And they'd be right :-)

I went out with a few girls during and after college and I knew myself that they'd never adapt to the way of life. Keep plugging away and you will find one who will. I'm one of the lucky ones here as well and hopefully we'll be building at home in the next year or two.

okiss

I would give some advice from a woman's point of view in regards to farming and relationships.

If you meet a woman you like you you have to be prepared to make some changes and to spend time together. You need to remember that your life is about more than the farm, the cattle ect.
If you know it is important to her that you go to some event as a couple make sure that you have someone who can do the farm work for that day/night off. No woman wants to go to every social event on there own telling people he could not come or is late due to milking ect.
Also if your in a relationship you have to be prepared to go away for a night, weekend or on holidays. As someone said here that life is about balance.

Try and have some other interests outside of the farm. A few years ago a friend of mine went out a farmer. Every Sat night she would get nearly word for word what the Farmers Journal said that week about eu grants ect.

If you meet a woman who you like be honest about what you want from your life long term ie marriage/family and not just your plans over x period of time with the farm. Also if you are working on a family farm you have to be prepared to have an adult conversation about the farm long term with your parents.

I know farming parents that over a period of time have there son/daughter doing more of the work, giving advice when asked and let them make more decisions about what to do with the farm for a number of years until they sign the farm over. I also know other farmers who think there children should be happy to work for x amount of week on the farm. They refuse to make a will which can leave a right mess to sort out and a large tax bill to pay when they die.

If you are going to build a house on the farm make sure you the land you build the house on is in your own name. Also be honest about your own set up.
Don't be afraid to have a conversation about what you both want after you get married - your wife might have no interest in doing outdoor farm work but could be happy doing the paper work which may not be your strongest point.
You need to remember that all relationships require give and take and that the farm/what you want can't be first always.

moy83

I think farming and relationships can work as good as any other type job .
Farming has its good points as much as bad points . Rolling in the hay , a nice work environment , when kids come along the hours can be flexible enough to drop and collect from school .
Fair enough things do tend to pop up out of the blue like calvings but thats just part of the job and plenty of office people these days are working longer and away from home more than they used to aswell

If you really love someone , their job shouldnt be the decider or should it ?

kevthegaff

was going out with a foreign girl for 2 years upto last february, ive met a fair few since, im only starting to enjoy the singles life again. time is the best healer

delaval

bob charles wrote: »

4 wives! are you Islamic?

Mormon or is it Moron?

epfff

My wife is a towny
She never really looks out at farm now
Allthough she sometimes asks lines of questions like a kid about general farm stuff
When she came first she used to be out with me all the time On tractor after stock etc
She used to be like the kids next door when it was silage time up @n the tractors
She always refused to gather or come with me to factory with stock although she eats more meat than me she claims to be happy in her ignorance.
the one big thing herself and her friends find strange is that she could have no-one or 10 for dinner any day especially round silage tilling or slurry time(lucky mum is still catering for most of that)
She isn'. Fond of the fact that I don't have quitting time and am reluctant to be away for any long period
But after all that I Think she loves the whole package of country life

MFdaveIreland

onrail wrote: »

Alright Lads,
A bit off the beaten track here, but I'm looking for some opinions and experiences people have had with holding a relationship/girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever while farming.
To tell my story, I'm working away from home but plan to return to the farm in 4 to 5 years. I had been going out with a lovely girl for 4 odd years before she finished it 6 months ago. It may be a bit of an over simplification , but one of the main reasons she gave me for ending it was that she didn't want to move back to with me to the farm, away from her career, friends etc. Its a fair enough reason when you think about it!

Its fair to say I was distraught at the time, because I'd lost someone who I'd planned to propose to. Over time the feeling actually got worse... Is a farming life and a relationship possible these days? Do I need to choose now whether I want a long term relationship or to take over the farm?
Thoughts/advice/experiences would be greatly appreciated... And sorry for the essay!

Sorry to hear about that, I think you need to subtly show them the advantages to living on a farm , some will appreciate the way of life, others will scurry of to the city

Sharpshooter82

I do believe relationships can work. I'm lucky that my wife is from a farming background. Now saying that she wouldn't be out in the yard everyday but is well able to feed calves and help me move stock if required which is a great help at busy times.

bbam

Nekarsulm wrote: »

i have a friend who always swore by his "seven mile rule". If she lived further away than that, he reckoned it was'nt a runner. My advice, for what its worth, don't marry a woman who earns significantly more then you do.

I'm not sure about that advice.
My mrs only works half time and still earns more than I do, it's no problem at all, don't see how it could be, unless your feeling intimidated in some way??

She's also from a farming background so will help inject an animal or stand in a gap if I ask her to. She'll check on animals when I'm away.

Mulumpy

My wife hasn't any interest in farming but would help out if needed. She has more than enough to do rearing our too young kids anyway. She's a local girl so that's a big help because shes very close to her family. Im gone alot with farm and job so she has an outlet to turn to. I organise myself to be finished by seven most evenings and take nearly every second sunday off. Shes a patient woman so that helps alot.

biddy2013

alot of ye say your oh has very little interest in farming, do you have an interest in what they do, oh drives a lorry i couldnt care where he is going or what part he needs for the lorry goes in one ear and out the other, he is the same about the farm

moy83

biddy2013 wrote: »

alot of ye say your oh has very little interest in farming, do you have an interest in what they do, oh drives a lorry i couldnt care where he is going or what part he needs for the lorry goes in one ear and out the other, he is the same about the farm

Good point biddy , my wife works in the maternity dept and I couldnt care what happens in there . She wouldnt be too interested in what goes on at the farm really either and that suits both of us

jimmydkid

It's a lot harder to meet some one in the countryside you could be lucky but there is a reason you see so many bachelors in rural areas, I think you have to be flexible , farming is a business it's not your life (if it is your life you need to get out more) I see a lot of people who move up and down the country and around the world to be with there partners its just the norm nowadays. Make sure you put your own happiness and quality of life before your job, life is short make the best of it !

bbam

biddy2013 wrote: »

alot of ye say your oh has very little interest in farming, do you have an interest in what they do, oh drives a lorry i couldnt care where he is going or what part he needs for the lorry goes in one ear and out the other, he is the same about the farm

I'd be interested enough in her work. I'd help her with PC stuff, I've designed systems for her that have been adopted by other hospitals. Don't get me wrong, I'd hate to do her job. Equally she would always ask about stock silage or prices.

My advice is don't try and be the norm, don't try and emulate what other people have or say you need to have. When it happens you'll make your own situation work Things will work much better if your honest and upfront.

onrail

Thanks so much for the replie everyone, nice to hear some optimism for a change!

Marooned75

Compromise if ya have that ya have a start

towzer2010

bbam wrote: »

I'm not sure about that advice.
My mrs only works half time and still earns more than I do, it's no problem at all, don't see how it could be, unless your feeling intimidated in some way??

She's also from a farming background so will help inject an animal or stand in a gap if I ask her to. She'll check on animals when I'm away.

Neither am I. Why on earth would that be a problem. I only wish my wife earned treble what I earn.

Onrail as most people have said it is possible to meet someone who will accept the farm part but it might mean searching for a while but that could be also be true about a lot of other professions. My wife always gives out about the amount of time I spend farming but I try to make it up to her by spending time at something she wants to do. Its all about give and take.

MFdaveIreland

manys a farm has came to an abrupt end with wifes not showing interest, more often than not trickles down to the kids, seen it too many times, they behind every great man is a great woman, dunno if its applicable,

CrazyKatie

MFdaveIreland wrote: »

manys a farm has came to an abrupt end with wifes not showing interest, more often than not trickles down to the kids, seen it too many times, they behind every great man is a great woman, dunno if its applicable,

Is it a wife that farmers want or a business partner? Sometimes both peoples expectations can be mismatched. A wife shouldn't necessarily have to have an interest in the farm, but it helps. In the same way that it helps if farmers have interests outside the farm and don't always put the farm before their wife and chrildren.

freedominacup

onrail wrote: »

Is a farming life and a relationship possible these days?

I don't know how the dating/meeting someone for the first time works now but I assume it's all relative. My wife is a dairy farmers daughter, she can milk, herd, assist at calving, drive tractors handle a jeep and trailer with a full load of cattle on and the most she has ever done on my farm is give a hand moving youngstock to an out farm we have that's a couple of hundred yards from the main block. She's far better qualified than I am and is just getting her career re-established after 10 years part-time and contract stuff when the kids were small. We have a similar income but unless harvest 2020 delivers big time she'll have the much bigger salary before I'm much older which is no concern to me. She accepts that calving and harvest can cause late nights but she knows damn well when these jobs are going on and does not accept late finishing at other times unless there's a good reason. She expects that I make time for family stuff, matches, plays, PT meetings, holidays etc. The farm is somewhere you work, plenty of things have to come before it, remember that and you should have no more difficculty than the next guy meeting someone and developing a relationship.

agriman27

Yeah I hope to meet a woman who will understand farming and commitment to my farm. If I meet girls who seem to disapprove of farmers instantly I tend to walk away, I find some girls even farmers daughters have a narrow minded view of farming as drudgery . I know that a the minute my work life balance would need to improved,I tend to get sucked into the work which i know is a big no no with the ladies. I would change willingly if I met a girl I like though all work and no play and all that :pac:

dove2011

I am a farmers daughter - to be honest I have no interest in farming- I had no brothers so we used to be dragged down to "mind a gap" ... I used to hate it but now have an interest.
I have dated farmers & never had an issue. I think I would be quite happy to end up with a farmer. Ideally the farmer would live near me & where I work so I dont have to change my life for them!

DulchieLaois

Macra is your best bet if you want to be a girl who is into the country living - hence why they join the organisation , i know 3 guys who met women this way and both sides are happy cause they know that they 1 thing in common

AntrimGlens

dove2011 wrote: »

I am a farmers daughter - to be honest I have no interest in farming- I had no brothers so we used to be dragged down to "mind a gap" ... I used to hate it but now have an interest.
I have dated farmers & never had an issue. I think I would be quite happy to end up with a farmer. Ideally the farmer would live near me & where I work so I dont have to change my life for them!

How many acres did you say you had? :D Someone give Charliebull a shout to get over here.

Bullocks

dove2011 wrote: »

I am a farmers daughter - to be honest I have no interest in farming- I had no brothers so we used to be dragged down to "mind a gap" ... I used to hate it but now have an interest.
I have dated farmers & never had an issue. I think I would be quite happy to end up with a farmer. Ideally the farmer would live near me & where I work so I dont have to change my life for them!

Lots of young lads mad to get into farming but have no land , could be a great match !

dove2011

Bullocks wrote: »

Lots of young lads mad to get into farming but have no land , could be a great match !

Ha ha- was hoping to combined both farmers- as I am the only "country spirited daughter" in my family

Dunedin

Bodacious wrote: »

my girlfriend wife does understand but at times .. silage season.. cows calving etc she can get frustrated with me.. farming isn't a 9-5 and she knows that but it doesn't stop her getting pissed off and hard to blame her at times

I could write a book on this one................ generally goes well but she always manages to pick my busiest times to suggest a weekend away :D:D:D

freedominacup

Dunedin wrote: »

I could write a book on this one................ generally goes well but she always manages to pick my busiest times to suggest a weekend away :D:D:D

Then you need to get your retaliation in first and go away with her before you get busy.

Sami23

Work full time and farm part time myself and always seem to be rushing in the evenings to get the jobs done to get in and spend time with the missus which I also want. It's hard to make time for both I find. Rush, rush, rush.
Does anyone else feel similar to this and what way do ye work it ?

Charliebull

freedominacup wrote: »

Then you need to get your retaliation in first and go away with her before you get busy.

a man of experience