It's a hard life when your natural face is a b**ch face

shoos

Does anyone else have this problem?

I've been working in the service industry the last year or so and I'm starting to lose track of the amount of times someone has accused me of being standoffish because of my facial expression. Whereas whenever it happens, I'm honestly just in the middle of a daydream. Or my mind will be completely blank. In my case my natural facial expression seems to fall somewhere on a spectrum between bitchiness and anxiousness.

I had someone say to me "Nevermind, I'll ask someone who will actually want to help me" when I haven't said or done a thing other than look up at them. Nothing on my mind at the time, perfectly willing to be of assistance.

I've also had colleagues constantly ask me "What's wrong?! What's happened?!" when there is nothing going on at all. When someone asks them why they asked me they just go, "Her face".

It's starting to get me down to be honest. Since I'm working in an environment with lots of customers and co-workers I'm around people constantly and the thought that I seem to have lost total control over how people interpret me, my personality and my emotional state is really worrying.

I posted this in tLL as I'd love to hear if anyone else has experienced this! Not looking for advice or anything, I'll just start grinning like a lunatic 24/7 to try combat it I suppose, but would love to hear other ladies' stories. Fingers crossed I'm not the only one!

Blush_01

Nice to know I'm not alone!

It turns out my "thinking" face apparently looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp, so when I'm deep in thought I look like I don't want to be disturbed. I didn't realise this until, in my first job out of college, I was pulled into a meeting by my supervisor about my facial expression. She hated me anyway, but my face was part of the problem. I faced a computer screen all day, and apparently I was "giving off an unapproachable vibe" - though I'd bend over backwards to help anyone I could. It got to the point where I started getting paranoid about my face. So I pasted on a fake smile, and over time I think my face has settled into more of a smile when I'm thinking (or not thinking, as the case may be). I also now smile when I'm annoyed or upset and in a public setting. I'm sure at times it slips, but it's more my "public" face now.

It's terrible, because at the end of the day, you don't see your own face, so you don't know that you're making "the face". Likewise, people are judging you without ever even approaching you. That's not exactly fair!

I feel your pain, I'm not suggesting that my solution is the best for you, but it might help to smile when you find yourself drifting, so you smile while you drift, and people don't see you as closed off?

Uneducated theory: I think it comes from being naturally on the introverted end of the social interaction spectrum, though we push ourselves to be extroverts to fit with societal requirements or personal expectations, because I don't necessarily want to be interrupted, but I still want to help if I can.

tomthetank

Dolbert

I wonder if this happens to men, or is it just women who are expected to look pleasant and cheery all the damn time.

pwurple

Can you aim to change industry and use it to your advantage. I'm no Miss Smiley either. It works out alright for me. People take me seriously in a male dominated workplace where others get completely disregarded.

Service industry really expects that constant smiley welcoming american thing.

Das Kitty

It has its advantages.

You know the way people like to give unwanted advice to new mothers? Or how people just go up and feel pregnant women's tummies? Or just ask rude questions about your fertility?

Never happens to me.

Well once on that last one.

It does happen to guys too. My brother in law looks surly and is quite shy, so he tends to let people approach him. They rarely do as at first glance he looks like he wouldn't want to be talked to. He's a lovely warm chap and quite handsome too. It's funny though, when he takes my son out for a walk he's always talking to him and actively smiling and he's been approached a lot. Got some phone numbers too.

Not G.R

Das Kitty wrote: »

Or how people just go up and feel pregnant women's tummies?

:eek: Is this a thing??

Roesy

Not G.R wrote: »

:eek: Is this a thing??

Yes! People who wouldn't normally give you a hug when they meet you can suddenly turn into bump rubbers. Sometimes just a quick rub and occasionally a two handed full bump feel!

Chattastrophe!

Not G.R wrote: »

:eek: Is this a thing??

It's feckin weird. Thankfully it hasn't happened to me all that much. A couple of times, I rubbed their tummies in return, just to freak them out (it worked! )

IvyTheTerrible

I've a serious case of the bitch-face. I'm not in the service industry but I do think it has had an impact on me making friends, because I just look miserable pretty much all the time, even if I'm not sad or not thinking of anything. Photos taken when I'm not posing are the pits.

Morgase

Seems like there's a lot of us with the Bitchy Resting Face! That video made me laugh, but now my face is back to its normal frowniness

Wish I had a quid for every time I had to say "No, nothing's wrong, that's just my face".

Papa_Bear

Dolbert wrote: »

I wonder if this happens to men, or is it just women who are expected to look pleasant and cheery all the damn time.

Bloody sure it does. In my younger days, people and especially women in pubs etc would say to me "cheer up it'll never happen" and i'd say "it just did luv/mate". Very anoying. So 8 years ago I grew a beard:D - it's not so bad now. plus I'm and old git now at 40 so people don't want to talk to me that much.

Recently I was out with a mate of mine who is only 3 years younger and while at a burger stand this girl in fron of us said to my mate "is he your da" (refering to me):eek: Well the mate was more annoyed then me - guess i'm used to it by now.

I tried an experiment a few weeks back and wore my glasses out for a night. Results were impressive to say the least - got more looks than I did in years! or mayber I was just seeing better:D

Try wearing glasses.

cantdecide

Das Kitty wrote: »

It does happen to guys too. My brother in law looks surly and is quite shy, so he tends to let people approach him. They rarely do as at first glance he looks like he wouldn't want to be talked to. He's a lovely warm chap and quite handsome too.

This is quite like me ('specially the handsome bit :pac:). Being a big guy with a beard and shaved head does have a habit of people defensive. I have friends who admit that they didn't think I was mild mannered as I am and others who thought I was "intimidating". I often find it tough when in new work situations for example when people seem to think treating me like I'm a jerk is perfectly acceptable. I think I have a face that doesn't lend itself to charm or charisma. Young children seem to be particularly shy around me at first. I think if I smiled more in public, they'd send the men in white coats.

I've accepted my "bitch resting face" and it's true, there are advantages. Chuggers, for example!

Jack Skellington

I was actually thinking of starting a thread on this somewhere but yeah I'm a guy and I get all sorts. Cheer up, smile it might never happen, you don't look happy, you look bored, where you out last night?

I'd say nearly every time I get it I'm in a pretty laid back/ neutral mood, and it is annoying sometimes, but it never happens with close friends.

What irks me more is that if I saw a shop worker or whatever who didn't look the happiest the last thing I'd want to do is comment on their mood, it's none of my business as long as they're polite.

confuseddotcom

I think I have a natural deer-caught-in-headlights-face. It's worse than biatch-face i.m.o. 'cos at least with biatch-face it makes ya look like you're a tough cookie not to be messed with. But with d-c-i-h-face I constantly look like I'm recovering from botox or something! I do often get told "I look like" I'd make a great Teacher! :rolleyes::D So I must look a bit Teacher-y as well.

My resting face looks blank and empty-headed. People think I'm thick. I think I'd prefer bitchface, at least it adds character.

Mars Bar

I don't think I have bitchy resting face but I had a lecturer who had the ultimate bitchy resting face. It took me quite a while to warm up to her but she was very nice when I got to know her. She took no **** as a lecturer though.

cantdecide

Candie wrote: »

My resting face looks blank and empty-headed. People think I'm thick.

I'm sure they quickly realise their error.

GalwayGuy2

Hmmm, it might effect women more than men. Women are a bit more social, so it might become a bit more obvious, and be open to more comment.

ash23

I have it - when I used to work in bars people were always telling me to cheer up or asking what had happened or why I was in bad form.

Now I work in a call centre. Problem solved!

Ave Sodalis

I don't have bitch face but I do have miserable face. Apparently, my natural face must look like the whole world has fallen down around me. If I had a euro for the amount of times someone has told me to cheer up or smile a bit more... complete strangers who don't know me...
I either have had something happen to me or it's just my face. Neither of which warrant the comment "Cheer up, it might never happen!" *shudder* Most of the time, there's nothing wrong with me until they say that.

cantdecide

cantdecide wrote: »

I'm sure they quickly realise their error.

It's not that quick.

Stench Blossoms

If someone asks me a question or says something to me that I'm not expecting I apparently have a look of 'Who the hell do you think you are?'

It's the butt of a lot of jokes between my friends and work colleagues.

Precious flower

YES,YES AND YES! Glad to know there are others who suffer from this. According to friends and family my resting face ranges from depressive looking bored to angry. Only a few days ago I came down stairs for breakfast and was standing in front of the worktop glancing through the paper. Can't remember what my mother asked me, but I replied in an amicable voice and my mum was surprised telling me I had a face like thunder and she nearly afraid to speak to me and I was feeling completely fine! My mum once said to me in a restaurant that I looked like ''I had the whole world on my shoulders'' when I was just sitting there waiting for the food! haha God my face must be something else!! God only knows what people who don't know me think! Think I've more of a depressed than angry face though (lucky me - not why can't I just have a normal face!)


It's so frustrating having a face like that because I'm always aware that I may have that expression on and therefore am always making an effort to be all smiley at the time which can be so tiring, but at the same time I'm afraid people won't want to approach me if I have the resting face on.
Gotten the ''smile it might never happen'' and ''are you feeling okay?'' ''is something the matter'' and I've been perfectly fine, I've just relaxed my face.

Was out one night with a friend and she was asking me was I bored because I looked bored, but I was grand, I was just relaxed and the unpleasant expression appeared when I was relaxed! Because of that for the rest of the night I felt I had to be all smiles and it's so exhausting!

I'm really a nice person and I would do anything to make people around me happy and I always like people to like me, but with my face and the fact that I can't be fairly quiet sometimes, I wonder sometimes about what people who don't know me think!!

username123

Candie wrote: »

My resting face looks blank and empty-headed. People think I'm thick. I think I'd prefer bitchface, at least it adds character.

Me too. One eyelid naturally droops slightly more than the other, it's not that noticeable, except when I'm tired or have my rest face, so I look a bit drunk too!

username123

username123 wrote: »

Me too. One eyelid naturally droops slightly more than the other, it's not that noticeable, except when I'm tired or have my rest face, so I look a bit drunk too!

Oh no

Next time it occurs to me that I'm sitting there looking dim and vacant, I'll remind myself it could be worse. I could look dim, vacant, AND drunk!

username123

Candie wrote: »

Oh no

Next time it occurs to me that I'm sitting there looking dim and vacant, I'll remind myself it could be worse. I could look dim, vacant, AND drunk!

Exactly

Femme_Fatale

Anyone I've ever thought looked sour also acted sour. I don't think I've ever decided someone was sour based on their face alone.

cantdecide

Femme_Fatale wrote: »

Anyone I've ever thought looked sour also acted sour. I don't think I've ever decided someone was sour based on their face alone.

Agree with you there. I would never make judgements about someone's character until I interact with them. I just assume if someone has their barriers up they don't want to be disturbed. It wouldn't occur to me to chime in with some stupid statement like 'it may never happen'.

Apparently I do a stare when I'm relaxed and listening to someone talking.
Been asked a few times "why are you staring at me like I've two heads?" when I was happily listening away

Hmmm...

mathepac

shoos wrote: »

... somewhere on a spectrum between bitchiness and anxiousness. ...

more commonly ka anxiety

Sauve

mathepac wrote: »

more commonly ka anxiety

Mod

Correcting someones grammar is unnecessary and unwelcome here.

Colonel Panic

I get this a lot. Was Christmas shopping with my sister and she kept thinking I was bored and or annoyed but that's just my default face!

I get it in work too, when I'm concentrating on work I look pissed off, but I love doing what I do!

Lia_lia

Ha! I used to get this a lot when I was a teenager. Worked in a hotel and constantly got the "smile, love" etc.. So then I made it a point to look smiley most of the time and it doesn't really happen anymore.

Also made me realise that many girls who I assume are bitches just have the face and are actually lovely

Spoonman75

I'm a guy and I used to get this a lot when I was in my 20's. I don't get it as much now because those around me know my form. OP, I understand your discomfort with this. I've had to deal with the "Cheer up, it might never happen" line countless times. Once had a guy square up to me and say "You'd better change your attitude...." he left it hang for a minute.

On one occasion, I got the "Cheer up, it might never happen" line and I put on the surliest face I could summon and replied "Yeah, thanks. That makes me feel so better" This got him really riled up and he said "What's your f*****g problem" so I replied "Here I am wondering when I'm going to lose my virginity and you come out with that!

He cocked his head to one side and had the look of a very confused dog.

There's no talking to some people.

If they can't take a joke like that, they are the problem.

fillefatale

'Smile love it can't be that bad' - told to me by a passing man on the street I don't know how many times - Its not any of his business telling me to smile, also he doesn't know whats going on in my personal life. How patronizing is it to call a woman 'love', grrr. Bitchy resting face is here to stay! I smile when I mean it.

beks101

fillefatale wrote: »

'Smile love it can't be that bad' - told to me by a passing man on the street I don't know how many times - Its not any of his business telling me to smile, also he doesn't know whats going on in my personal life. How patronizing is it to call a woman 'love', grrr. Bitchy resting face is here to stay! I smile when I mean it.

I've never understood the amount of people who take offence to that line. I usually just take it the way it was intended, as harmless, well-meaning banter.

Sure, it could be the case that your mother just died or you just have a default p1ssed off face, but it's still only a randomer trying to put a smile on your face with a tired old line, no harm intended.

sligoface

beks101 wrote: »

I've never understood the amount of people who take offence to that line. I usually just take it the way it was intended, as harmless, well-meaning banter.

Sure, it could be the case that your mother just died or you just have a default p1ssed off face, but it's still only a randomer trying to put a smile on your face with a tired old line, no harm intended.

I disagree, the person saying it has no idea what is going on in your life. Also if you aren't actually sad it just makes you self conscious about how you look.

It definitely happens to men also, get it a lot. When living in the states I was walking home alone one night and a drunk homeless man slurred at me 'Smile brother, can't be that bad!' That was the only time that line actually made me smile, I thought holy crap how miserable must I look if I'm bummin' out the bums!

beks101

sligoface wrote: »

I disagree, the person saying it has no idea what is going on in your life. Also if you aren't actually sad it just makes you self conscious about how you look.

I don't read that deeply into it, I just see it as a lighthearted and playful, albeit unimaginative and slightly inept way of trying to cheer up a seemingly sad face.

IME usually it's said by someone who usually makes small talk with strangers anyway, like those people who give out free hugs or high five random people. Annoying, yes often, but hardly something to get riled about.

And of course there are a million and one disappointing to devastating things that could have happened to anyone on any given day, but I don't think people should be in the habit of tip-toeing around strangers just because they may be dealing with tragedy either.

Legs.Eleven

sligoface wrote: »

I disagree, the person saying it has no idea what is going on in your life. Also if you aren't actually sad it just makes you self conscious about how you look.

It definitely happens to men also, get it a lot. When living in the states I was walking home alone one night and a drunk homeless man slurred at me 'Smile brother, can't be that bad!' That was the only time that line actually made me smile, I thought holy crap how miserable must I look if I'm bummin' out the bums!

I get it said to me now and then and I don't suffer from bitchy resting face. Usually has the opposite affect to you and puts a smile on my face. I don't think people mean to offend.

Design78

I get the "smile it may never happen love"and if anything is going to put you in a bad mood its a stranger in the street saying this to you.
I've also been told I look like a guard, on the plus side I have never been mugged or pick pocketed :-)

loubeelou

I've got a face that always looks guilty. If something bad has happened everyone will automatically point the finger at me. Couple that with a personality that always assumes responsibility, i get blamed for sh1t that happens when i wasn't even around.... And i always seem to accept it.....It's unfortunate!!

Ilyana 2.0

I have a face that betrays my every emotion. When my bitch face is on, it's there for a reason!

On the flip side, a man beside me on a train told me that I looked very content with myself. I was just staring out the window listening to music but it must have been obvious that I was happy enough.

So I guess it's a blessing and a curse!

Fukuyama

Design78 wrote: »

I get the "smile it may never happen love"and if anything is going to put you in a bad mood its a stranger in the street saying this to you.
I've also been told I look like a guard, on the plus side I have never been mugged or pick pocketed :-)

During my first week of college I made a few friends. Months later a couple of them confided in me that they thought I was really pi55ed off or something when they first saw me. It's just that I'm normally either in deep thought or totally spaced out and I resort to this default sour puss.

I've had the guard thing too when I've my hair short. Walking through a park and this shifty looking skanger is standing on a bend in the path beside some trees and a fence. Starts walking purposefully towards me.

I think "Right...get ready" and he goes "Have ye got a smoke bud?". I'm still thinking he's trying to distract me or something... I say no. Then he just laughs and says "Ah, grand. I didn't want a smoke. I thought you were a guard walking over." He nods at other blokes on the other side of a spiked fence doing something with a car parked behind a warehouse.Presumably trying to either rob it or rob something from it.

Not exactly a genius, nor criminals of the year. Apparently the modus operandi for evading plain clothes guards is to ask them for a smoke....

I just kept walking and dialed 999... Didn't hang around tho.

blacklilly

Well I've been told I have a very serious face and that I walk around with a "thick head" haha. I've been told to smile, cheer up, told that things can't be that bad and told that I look very unapproachable (maybe that's why I'm single) numerous time by strangers, all men. I remember once one commented on my serious face which made me laugh and he then told me I should smile more because I've lovely teeth!

My serious face is something which I'm very conscious (probably doesn't help matters) of but I think I'd look like a complete weirdo if I were to walk around with a smile on my face.

I'm glad there are many more with this serious face condition:D

Dilly.

beks101 wrote: »

And of course there are a million and one disappointing to devastating things that could have happened to anyone on any given day, but I don't think people should be in the habit of tip-toeing around strangers just because they may be dealing with tragedy either.

in fairness I don't think restraining yourself from commenting on a strangers emotional state is tip toeing around!

Miss Behaviour

I immediately get an overwhelming urge to punch people in the face when they use that "Smile, it might never happen" line on me!!! :mad:

xzanti

I definitely have 'bitchy resting face' and I'm delighted there's a name for it now :pac:

Thought it was just me.. Thank God

Borboletinha

shoos wrote: »

Does anyone else have this problem?

I've been working in the service industry the last year or so and I'm starting to lose track of the amount of times someone has accused me of being standoffish because of my facial expression. Whereas whenever it happens, I'm honestly just in the middle of a daydream. Or my mind will be completely blank. In my case my natural facial expression seems to fall somewhere on a spectrum between bitchiness and anxiousness.

I had someone say to me "Nevermind, I'll ask someone who will actually want to help me" when I haven't said or done a thing other than look up at them. Nothing on my mind at the time, perfectly willing to be of assistance.

I've also had colleagues constantly ask me "What's wrong?! What's happened?!" when there is nothing going on at all. When someone asks them why they asked me they just go, "Her face".

It's starting to get me down to be honest. Since I'm working in an environment with lots of customers and co-workers I'm around people constantly and the thought that I seem to have lost total control over how people interpret me, my personality and my emotional state is really worrying.

I posted this in tLL as I'd love to hear if anyone else has experienced this! Not looking for advice or anything, I'll just start grinning like a lunatic 24/7 to try combat it I suppose, but would love to hear other ladies' stories. Fingers crossed I'm not the only one!

Great thread, I thought I was the only one!! Ive lost counts how many times Ive been told by people that before they got to know me they thought I was a b*itch, a stuck up c*nt, you get the idea... I also worked with customer service but never had any problems cause being aware of my "facial issues" I always made an effort to smile all the time. Literally all the time!! Costumers love smiles, its disarming no matter what your face is.

Lol, bitchy resting face, love it!

Soft Falling Rain

Right with you OP. When I was working in the social care sector I was constantly asked "Why are you so sad?" and "You don't want to be here do you?"

Of course, I was perfectly happy in the job, but my "default" expression so to speak wasn't very welcoming apparently. When I voiced my annoyance to my manager, she responded by saying "well maybe you should work on that."

So, that is one of the biggest lessons I learnt in the job and in my life in general really; always smile, because god forbid you'd end up giving the wrong impression to some sensitive soul. :rolleyes:

czechlin

I've met a few girls with a bitch face over the years, who turned out to be really lovely and I just got the wrong impression. That taught me the lesson and I don't judge any more unless I get to know the person better. But I understand how irritating all the stated comments can be.

I "suffer" from the opposite - the friendly face. You might not believe it but it can get frustrating too. I get stopped by people asking for directions (and all sorts of other questions) no matter which city/country I'm in, I get stopped by charity fundraisers/mormons and the likes all the time. I attract weirdos and drunks (especially in public transport). This could go on.
I didn't know what it was until one day I hopelessly shouted at a Concern worker "why me!?" and he said it - "you have a friendly face". So since then I tried to work on a bitch face, or at least not so friendly one. I have tactics for fundraisers now, I can say no to people better and I can throw a dirty look. I can look a bit grumpy at times. But that's as far as it goes.
I thought I managed quite well until last year I had an argument with a friend and while shouting at him "I'm so angry with you right now" he started laughing away "What!? That's your angry face!? I can't take you seriously because you look cute." I frowned and gave up.
I think it might be getting better with age though as I was told recently I looked a bit serious when deep in thought :cool: