sneaky male snip

hedgehog2

I was out with a friend of mine the other night and he casually says ohh I had a vascetomy last week.
His missus and himself have a young child and he absolutely hates being a parent.He never wanted children and it was always a bone between them.
There are many reasons lack of sleep,financials and he wants to emigrate in a yr with his job to the states.
She is keen to move but wants 2 more kids,he did not want to split with her so said he was away with work down the country,took some hols he had and had the snip.
He aint telling her either,I kind of see his point in it but feel she will rumble him.
Would you do this or just be open with the missus.

Ihatecuddles

I would be absolutely heartbroken to find out my partner did that. Thankfully we've discussed children and came to a compromise that we are both happy with. I would be so upset that he lied to me.

Do you think she'll find out? If she thinks she's having 2 more kids, I'm sure he'll be rumbled when she wants him to go for expensive tests or maybe IVF when it isn't working out and she wants to know why.

Spring Onion

hedgehog2 wrote: »

I was out with a friend of mine the other night and he casually says ohh I had a vascetomy last week.
His missus and himself have a young child and he absolutely hates being a parent.He never wanted children and it was always a bone between them.
There are many reasons lack of sleep,financials and he wants to emigrate in a yr with his job to the states.
She is keen to move but wants 2 more kids,he did not want to split with her so said he was away with work down the country,took some hols he had and had the snip.
He aint telling her either,I kind of see his point in it but feel she will rumble him.
Would you do this or just be open with the missus.

Teyla Emmagan

She will go ape**** when she finds out. And that's a really dishonest thing to do to someone you're supposedly in a relationship with, if it's true. Wait till she's discussing IVF by the end of the year and he has to come clean.

SV

Divorce/Break up in 3..2..1..

mloc123

Jesus... this sounds like a relationship that is really going to last.

Mrmoe

It will be awkward when she does become pregnant

highgiant1985

hedgehog2 wrote: »

He aint telling her either,

I can't wait till she announces shes pregnant again... my moneys on the best mate :D

Mince Pie

How can people not discuss this topic before committing and getting married! Its such a huge part of any relationship the wanting/not wanting children.
I broke up with my previous partner because of it. I didn't want kids and he knew from the off that that's how I felt then changed his mind a few years down the line.
Horrible situation.

highgiant1985

Mrmoe wrote: »

It will be awkward when she does become pregnant

ah damn it you beat me to it

meoklmrk91

I think it's a scumbag move, it's akin to a woman coming off their pill to get preggers without telling her partner. It's just bad form. Kids is just one of those things you can't compromise on, if he didn't want kids and she did then they are incompatible and that's the end of the road really. She is entitled to have more kids if she wants to just as he is entitled not to. It's trickery and its bad form.

MurdyWurdy

God, the poor woman. She'll be hoping to get pregnant every month and then will be disappointed when her period arrives, and then she'll start to worry what is wrong with her, and will probably subject herself to some pretty nasty and invasive tests.

What an inconceivably cruel thing to do to someone you are supposed to love

hedgehog2

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

She will go ape**** when she finds out. And that's a really dishonest thing to do to someone you're supposedly in a relationship with, if it's true. Wait till she's discussing IVF by the end of the year and he has to come clean.

Thing is he is so laid back about it thst he reckons she wont know and it wont hurt her.
The child was a pure fluke,she had thought no way she cud have kids as her sister has something wrong with her repo organs app its genetic.
Anyway they were not going down ivf route for expense and mainly disappointment.
This how he thinks he is in the clear and sees him bonding better or handling their only child in the with less frustration.
I still see him getting caught but he is remarkably good at avoiding these things

Sunnyisland

Well this relationship will end in kids tears...

Pen.Island

mauzo! wrote: »

I would be absolutely heartbroken to find out my partner did that. Thankfully we've discussed children and came to a compromise that we are both happy with. I would be so upset that he lied to me.

Do you think she'll find out? If she thinks she's having 2 more kids, I'm sure he'll be rumbled when she wants him to go for expensive tests or maybe IVF when it isn't working out and she wants to know why.

Not long ago you were single? Now you've been discussing kids with a "partner"?

SV

hedgehog2 wrote: »

Thing is he is so laid back about it thst he reckons she wont know and it wont hurt her.
The child was a pure fluke,she had thought no way she cud have kids as her sister has something wrong with her repo organs app its genetic.
Anyway they were not going down ivf route for expense and mainly disappointment.
This how he thinks he is in the clear and sees him bonding better or handling their only child in the with less frustration.
I still see him getting caught but he is remarkably good at avoiding these things

The only way a secret that big stays a secret is if only the person involved is in the know about it.
That isn't the case and it will come out, without a shadow of a doubt.

Foxhound38

She will go absolutely mad when she finds out (I say when because she will inevitably find out), and if she doesn't immediately de-bollock him at that time, she'll probably make him get it reversed.

Far better for him to just come clean about it and discuss the whole issue with her. It might be something they may well not be able to get passed. It's sort of a make or break issue unfortunately, there isn't much room for compromise when it comes to kids...

michellie

I also feel sorry for the child he has since he hates being a parent. Your friend doesn't come across as being a nice person

Mince Pie

Pen.Island wrote: »

Not long ago you were single? Now you've been discussing kids with a "partner"?

She's pregnant so shes obviously discussed it with her other half. I'm hoping this is right cos I believe I made her sick in the sandwich thread.
Its hardly the point anyway, this is about being deceitful in a heinous way to a partner.

Mince Pie

Foxhound38 wrote: »

She will go absolutely mad when she finds out (I say when because she will inevitably find out), and if she doesn't immediately de-bollock him at that time, she'll probably make him get it reversed.

Far better for him to just come clean about it and discuss the whole issue with her. It might be something they may well not be able to get passed. It's sort of a make or break issue unfortunately, there isn't much room for compromise when it comes to kids...

You can't "make" someone have a procedure.

Teyla Emmagan

hedgehog2 wrote: »

Thing is he is so laid back about it thst he reckons she wont know and it wont hurt her.
The child was a pure fluke,she had thought no way she cud have kids as her sister has something wrong with her repo organs app its genetic.
Anyway they were not going down ivf route for expense and mainly disappointment.
This how he thinks he is in the clear and sees him bonding better or handling their only child in the with less frustration.
I still see him getting caught but he is remarkably good at avoiding these things

That's terrible. Poor woman .

Pen.Island

Mince Pie wrote: »

She's pregnant so shes obviously discussed it with her other half. I'm hoping this is right cos I believe I made her sick in the sandwich thread.
Its hardly the point anyway, this is about being deceitful in a heinous way to a partner.

Porkies.

Fr_Dougal

Interesting to see the opinions voiced in this thread.

His body, his choice IMO.

hedgehog2

hedgehog2 wrote: »

I was out with a friend of mine the other night and he casually says ohh I had a vascetomy last week.
His missus and himself have a young child and he absolutely hates being a parent.He never wanted children and it was always a bone between them.
There are many reasons lack of sleep,financials and he wants to emigrate in a yr with his job to the states.
She is keen to move but wants 2 more kids,he did not want to split with her so said he was away with work down the country,took some hols he had and had the snip.
He aint telling her either,I kind of see his point in it but feel she will rumble him.
Would you do this or just be open with the missus.

Are they actually married?

He's a sociopath. He's going to put her through an emotionally devastating cycle of hope and disappointment, anxiety and upset, for as long as he can get away with it, rather than tell her what he's done. He's very likely going to ruin her life if he keeps it up long enough.

He's an absolute **** and he doesn't give a crap about anyone but himself if he's willing to put anybody through that.

liliq

Pen.Island wrote: »

Porkies.

Relevant?!

I'd go fu(king mental if my husband did that, it would be a potential deal breaker situation.
It's definitely something that should be discussed before marriage/ commitment. Then again, maybe they did discuss it and the kiddo they have changed the game. Sad, but possible.

electrobanana

I taught this thread was going to be about some kind of ninja circumcision story

hedgehog2

SV wrote: »

The only way a secret that big stays a secret is if only the person involved is in the know about it.
That isn't the case and it will come out, without a shadow of a doubt.

Ive been friends with him.for yrs and as far as I know the only one who knows the secret.
Why i had to post anonymous here as its been on my mind for a few days half amused at his cloak and dagger tactics but also a bit shocked.
Dare not mention it to my missus,he is under tremendous stress with work as he is corp lawyer and the baby at present is causing him to miss deadlines from the lack of sleep and he never operates like this.

Fr_Dougal

Fr_Dougal wrote: »

Interesting to see the opinions voiced in this thread.

His body, his choice IMO.

He's morally obligated to tell his partner. She's living under the assumption that they have mutual plans. He's perfectly entitled to do what he wants with his body. He's morally compelled to let his wife in on it though.

Mince Pie

Fr_Dougal wrote: »

Interesting to see the opinions voiced in this thread.

His body, his choice IMO.

That's very true but don't make a commitment and have a child with someone if you don't want children. Unfair on the partner and the child.

goose2005

"a friend of mine"

sure

liliq

Fr_Dougal wrote: »

His body, his choice IMO.

If he did want kids, and she had had an abortion, would the same apply?

For what it's worth, I agree his body god choice, to an extent.
But *their* relationship, their family... His choice?

liliq

liliq wrote: »

But *their* relationship, their family... His choice?

Exactly. He's making the choice for her too, and she doesn't even know about it.

Pen.Island

liliq wrote: »

Relevant?!

I'd go fu(king mental if my husband did that, it would be a potential deal breaker situation.
It's definitely something that should be discussed before marriage/ commitment. Then again, maybe they did discuss it and the kiddo they have changed the game. Sad, but possible.

Relevant because someone posting ****e just to get thanks should be turfed out of here.

Foxhound38

Mince Pie wrote: »

You can't "make" someone have a procedure.

No, but she can make it a condition of her staying with him. Anyway, the point is it was a stupid, deceitful thing to do

hedgehog2

I should mention hecis a very good guy to anyone that knows him,its thecwork environment

Incredibly stressful cut throat working practices thatvhe just wants to rise to the top of his profession and most of these opportunities are in New York where schooling/baby costs are huge plus it would delay his promotion as she would want to wait around here with her mother and family for the 1st yr of the kid.

Mince Pie

hedgehog2 wrote: »

I should mention hecis a very good guy to anyone that knows him,its thecwork environment

Incredibly stressful cut throat working practices thatvhe just wants to rise to the top of his profession and most of these opportunities are in New York where schooling/baby costs are huge plus it would delay his promotion as she would want to wait around here with her mother and family for the 1st yr of the kid.

Surely he's been working towards this for quite sometime so rather being cut throat and deceitful with his partner he should have discussed his ambitions first before having a child.
He's entitled to do what he wants to his own body but he has an obligation to discuss it first now that their is already a child in the frame. Its now complicated and messy.

Sparklygirl

hedgehog2 wrote: »

I should mention hecis a very good guy to anyone that knows him,its thecwork environment

Incredibly stressful cut throat working practices thatvhe just wants to rise to the top of his profession and most of these opportunities are in New York where schooling/baby costs are huge plus it would delay his promotion as she would want to wait around here with her mother and family for the 1st yr of the kid.

Sounds like he will thrive in a cut throat environment.

Ihatecuddles

Pen.Island wrote: »

Not long ago you were single? Now you've been discussing kids with a "partner"?

We were on and off all year, mostly because I suffered pretty badly with depression and kept pushing him away. We've been very much 'on' for months. We're having a baby, so we discussed future children.

michellie

mauzo! wrote: »

We were on and off all year, mostly because I suffered pretty badly with depression and kept pushing him away. We've been very much 'on' for months. We're having a baby, so we discussed future children.

You don't need to explain yourself to anyone congrats on your baby x

minidazzler

michellie wrote: »

I also feel sorry for the child he has since he hates being a parent. Your friend doesn't come across as being a nice person

Why? his friend said before he had a kid he didn't want one? Are people supposed to just magically love being a parent because they have a kid?

seamus

hedgehog2 wrote: »

Incredibly stressful cut throat working practices thatvhe just wants to rise to the top of his profession and most of these opportunities are in New York where schooling/baby costs are huge plus it would delay his promotion as she would want to wait around here with her mother and family for the 1st yr of the kid.

He, him, his.

Sounds like he wants to be seen as a family man without actually having that annoying thing of a family holding him back, tbh.

Does his wife get any say? Or is his entire agenda to pursue his goals without considering the impact on others?

Cantona's Collars

michellie wrote: »

I also feel sorry for the child he has since he hates being a parent. Your friend doesn't come across as being a nice person

He sounds like a guy I know,they have one kid & the wife would love another but in her words "he barely has the patience for one let alone have another in the house",she sounded so down talking about it.The guy has a selfish "fook you" attitude about everything so it seems he's no different about kids.

I know if I carried on the same way,I'd be shown the door.The op's friend breached the trust of his missus by doing that behind her back,this is something that needed to be discussed at length first.

Dolbert

Fr_Dougal wrote: »

Interesting to see the opinions voiced in this thread.

His body, his choice IMO.

How would you feel about a woman coming off the pill without telling her partner? Is it still 'her body, her choice'? Someone else making your reproductive choices for you is not cool.

hoodwinked

hedgehog2 wrote: »

I should mention he is a very good guy to anyone that knows him,its the work environment

no. just no!

i am getting really sick of this "i know he's doing domething ****ty, but everyone who knows him say he's a good guy" ****e being thrown about lately.


i have done things i am not proud of in my life( i am sure most of us have), and as a result i would never call myself a good person, i am a person who is trying to do the right thing these days,

in my opinion " a good person" is a person who does good things, all the time.

what this guy is doing is NOT good, lying to and deceiving your spouse is not something "a good person" does!

wolfpawnat

I just cannot understand why anyone would be with a person with such a fundamental different opinion to them. Kids are not like a pet that can be rehomed if things get that bad. They are human beings, to have one and hate it is horrible beyond description. She and the baby would be better off if he was out of the picture. She could either raise the child in a one parent loving home or find a guy happy to do the job and have a few kids with her. And the OP can go about his childless life (so long as he took care of financial obligations).

If someone does not want to have kids, they are perfectly entitled to not have them, and they are more than entitled to get tubes tied or get a snip, but to do it behind their partners back is sick. That poor woman is fully convinced she is in a happy marriage and that in a year or more she can think of having another baby. Seldom do those thoughts just evaporate. This will NOT remain hidden and he will NOT come out of this looking good. That could affect a career too surely, deceitful and dishonesty???

anncoates

minidazzler wrote: »

Are people supposed to just magically love being a parent because they have a kid?

No, but it kinda helps if you don't become a parent if that's the case.

kowloon

Candie wrote: »

Exactly. He's making the choice for her too, and she doesn't even know about it.

The argument you'll get being that if she decided not to have a child he has no say in it: 'her body, her choice'.

Personally I think it's BS and any relationship with a secret, even an open disagreement, that large is doomed. I feel terrible for a child who is seen as a burden.

Gordon

Dolbert wrote: »

How would you feel about a woman coming off the pill without telling her partner? Is it still 'her body, her choice'? Someone else making your reproductive choices for you is not cool.

It depends on whether or not a condom is used... In your example, coming off the pill could potentially create a human life, which is a completely different case of not creating a human life, so you can't compare scenarios.

While I think he's being wrong in not discussing this (it will be found out tho), it's not the same as, for example, reversing a vasectomy without telling his partner.

Cantona's Collars

hoodwinked wrote: »

no. just no!

i am getting really sick of this "i know he's doing domething ****ty, but everyone who knows him say he's a good guy" ****e being thrown about lately.


i have done things i am not proud of in my life( i am sure most of us have), and as a result i would never call myself a good person, i am a person who is trying to do the right thing these days,

in my opinion " a good person" is a person who does good things, all the time.

what this guy is doing is NOT good, lying to and deceiving your spouse is not something "a good person" does!

+1

A guy who lived in the same town as me was seen as "a sound fella" cos he trained kids at soccer & was "good craic with the lads",behind closed doors he used to beat 7 shades out of his missus,everyone knew it but nobody said anything 'cos he was a "nice fella".
What people display in public can be very different from the character they are at home.This fella sounds like an ass.

Gannicus

highgiant1985 wrote: »

I can't wait till she announces shes pregnant again... my moneys on the best mate :D

My Money is on the O/P. :D

meoklmrk91 wrote: »

I think it's a scumbag move, it's akin to a woman coming off their pill to get preggers without telling her partner. It's just bad form.

I agree that he is being a keniving [EMAIL="b@st@rd"]b@st@rd[/EMAIL] and he deserves a good kicking to do that to a girl. She'll be looking forward to having another baby only for it never to happen.

However, that's not the same as a woman coming off their pill to get preggers without telling her partner.

Sneakly bringing a baby into the world without a guy knowing is worse than a guy derpriving a girl of a baby of one. If she secretly got pregnant she is for lack of a better term trapping him in her life whether it be romantically or finacially or even parentally. If a girl finds out the bloke secretly got a vasectomy then she can walk away and find someone who wants kids.

I think he should just come out and tell her.
The OP's mate should just end things and let her find happiness elswhere.

hedgehog2

I actually feel like showing him this thread now but I think its too late he has had the procedure done do whats done is done.
I reckon he can easily live with the deceit and probably knows its wrong but for the sake of keepin the marriage its best this way now.
Sure she will get over it he reckons and I know she enjoys the spoils he can provide her,she likes to stay home with the baby and he earns well so I think she would never go it alone and he sees it this way.
Someone was going to be disappointed in this situation and maybe he just took pre emptetive measures,i really am on the fence a bit,dide with the friend r think from an outsider who does not know his generous side or that he really is a decent guy.