Life, perspective & moments that stop you in your tracks

Vojera

Thanks It's a very long time ago now (sixteen years!) but I still remember that moment more clearly than anything that came after. And my baby sister is still the baby, even though she's now 25!

Novella

I think I always thought I'd had those life experiences - the ones where you have sudden realisations, where everything seems clearer, or harsher, or truer, the ones where in a split second you're not who you used to be anymore - but I probably never did.

I probably never really did until my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. He was only 51 years old and he didn't know his wife. Sometimes he couldn't tell you if he had any children and often thought he was but a child himself. He was a wonderful family man - one who worked his fingers to the bone, whose entire world centered around giving us everything we needed and everything he thought we deserved. He wasn't the type of man who'd tell you he loved you or who showered you with affection, but you always knew you were loved because he showed you. He protected you.

He was a man who had hopes and dreams. A special, incredible man.

Sometimes when I'm driving home from work and it's just me in the car, no interruptions, I find my mind wanders. I think of the unspoken plans that little girls have with their dads - you know, walking them down the aisle on their wedding day - and I know that I won't have that. I recall jokes that he used to make, ones that were insignificant at the time, but that I would kill to hear again. I thought I had moments in life that made me understand everything a little better, but I never understood unfairness until this point.

beks101

Novella wrote: »

He was a man who had hopes and dreams. A special, incredible man.

Sometimes when I'm driving home from work and it's just me in the car, no interruptions, I find my mind wanders. I think of the unspoken plans that little girls have with their dads - you know, walking them down the aisle on their wedding day - and I know that I won't have that. I recall jokes that he used to make, ones that were insignificant at the time, but that I would kill to hear again.

I welled up reading this. Your father sounds so similar to mine, understated, unassuming, good to the bone, always quietly doing the right thing. A special man. I'm so sorry for what he and you all are going through.

I don't mean to be facetious at all, but sometimes I think that loss is a gift of its own. It changes us. It gives us the opportunity to see life, to see people in a way that we otherwise wouldn't. It slows us down, it stops the noise for a second - long enough to consider what actually matters.

I've reeled my way through this thread, contemplating the story after story of heartbreak, suffering, incredible loss, sadness and just inexplicable, random cruelty that visits the most wholesome of people. How literally five seconds is all it takes for a healthy, vibrant life to end. How fragile we are.

And yet, how strong we become in the face of that. How resilient the human spirit is, how it generously - miraculously - learns to embrace others, to reach out and to live a more thoughtful, compassionate life.

And I find myself coming back to these little moments, that are so easy to skip, or to forget, or to downplay as just the facets of every day life. Smiling at someone. Helping someone out. Stopping to talk when you're in a hurry. Making eye contact, initiating conversation, inviting a stranger onto your balcony just for the hell of it. Sharing experiences with a perfect stranger. Making time when you don't have it.

Making memories with people who might then have a marginally better day because of you, simply because none of us know when our time is up. And every life matters so so much.

Thank you all for being so generous with your stories.

ash23

I've spent my entire adulthood working hard towards a better standard of living. I was brought up fairly poor and after having a child at 20, I was determined she would have what she needed.
There were times when I cried my heart out over the constant financial struggle. I always aspired that things would be better next year or the year after.
Things felt like they were finally coming together last year. I met a lovely man, I had a better job, there was more money than week for a change and I recall sitting in the garden on a hot summer day thinking about how hard my 20s had been but 30 was upon me and my 30s were going to be so much better.

3 months after turning 30 I was diagnosed with MS. A month later my boyfriend broke up with me.
For a while I was just floored. I just didn't know what to do, what my future was now. I was all over the place, filled with regrets and anger. It just didn't seem fair. And it wasn't I suppose. Why me?
But then I got to thinking why not me? I'm no different to any other person who loses someone, who gets a disease, who suffers. Good people have bad things happen and I'm not exempt from it. And I certainly don't have the worst of it.

I can't say it's happily ever after. It's still a rollercoaster and the past 12 months have been the worst of my life. However, on reflection, I thought getting pregnant at 19 was the worst thing ever but turned out to be the best. Then I thought being cheated on and breaking up with my partner was the worst thing ever. But it was one of the best.

As for 30 - definitely worst year ever but who knows what it will bring, where it will take me and how I will feel about it in 10 years. Life is always changing and there's really not much we can do but go with it.

Hopefully at 40 I'll look back and at how my diagnosis changed me and hopefully it will be for the better. I am definitely more easy going now. And work no longer takes precedence over my personal life. I like my job but my priorities have changed. Perhaps that's the biggest lesson I've learned so far. I'm sure it won't be the last.

iwantmydinner

ash23, you have a great outlook. Best of luck with it all.

Legs.Eleven

ash23 wrote: »

As for 30 - definitely worst year ever but who knows what it will bring, where it will take me and how I will feel about it in 10 years. Life is always changing and there's really not much we can do but go with it.

Hopefully at 40 I'll look back and at how my diagnosis changed me and hopefully it will be for the better. I am definitely more easy going now. And work no longer takes precedence over my personal life. I like my job but my priorities have changed. Perhaps that's the biggest lesson I've learned so far. I'm sure it won't be the last.

I'm always struck by how strong you are, Ash. Your posts are always so full of sense and wisdom and are a pleasure to read.

osaurus

Many things have made me go 'wow' from the beautiful to the heart breaking and everything in between. I will do my best to share some memories.

Being able to help in the delivery of two babies. There is something very special about being present in this moment. A rush of emotion came over me; started with intense happiness, wonder, joy and then calm. Then repeat that again. Was so happy for the mother's and felt very privileged to be there. Despite only having met these ladies a few hours before, I was also so proud of them and their partners. It was great to come out and invite their partner in to see their child for the first time. Knowing this is the first day of someone's life was just amazing and felt privileged to be there to share in their joy.

A few years back my cousin was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer that had metastasised, he was 24. This was a dude I grew up with as a young fella who was both academically amazing and an incredible athlete. Basically this guy was someone I looked up to, he had it all in every sense of the word. Up until his diagnosis that is. Brain surgery, chemo, the works. He went from a 24 year old who'd just run a marathon the week before to a middle aged man in the space of 6 months. They lived over in the states and made their way back home for a 'visit'. He never complained or gave out and was surprisingly upbeat. The whole extended family all met up, hung out, ate and just shot the breeze. They then travelled to Lourdes which he told me after he wasn't that fond of. 3 months later there's an update on his facebook page saying his liver is shutting down and the doctors have given him 3 days to live. News everyone was expecting but we just put to the back of our minds. Myself and my da asked if there was anything we could do and they said if we could come visit it'd be great, just for a bit of support and he'd really like to see us. The next day we were on a flight over to California.

The person who greeted us, physically was a shell of who we saw 3 months ago. Barely able to walk, frail, bald. He looked like a man who was pushing 100 years old, at 24. Emotionally he was the same guy, demanding hugs, high fives and asking when were we going to the local pub. I was holding back tears, my da had to excuse himself and ran down the hall as he wasn't prepared. Gave him a hug but was so afraid I'd break him, could feel every bone in his back. It was a lame hug in retrospect. We hung out, played some mario kart 64 and just did normal things 24 year old lads did on lazy days. I was wheeling him around target in his wheelchair, we got stares everywhere we went but he didn't give a damn and neither did I.

He died 2 days later with his parents and siblings around him.

Even though I still question whether we should have went over or not, I still view it as a positive experience after much deliberation. Much like being there for the birth of someone, it's equally as special to be there for someone's death. To be there for them, not doing anything in particular, just being.

These experiences and many more make me grateful for what I have, everyday is a treat, even if it's a crap day it's still one extra day you get to experience. People tend to focus on the extremes, either crazy happy or really unfortunate events. I do my best to take time out of my day and appreciate the small things. Anyone notice the lovely sky we had Wednesday morning?

aimzLc2

osaurus wrote: »

These experiences and many more make me grateful for what I have, everyday is a treat, even if it's a crap day it's still one extra day you get to experience. People tend to focus on the extremes, either crazy happy or really unfortunate events. I do my best to take time out of my day and appreciate the small things. Anyone notice the lovely sky we had Wednesday morning?

Beautifully put.Your post really touched me, such a sad yet also uplifting story. Thank you so much for sharing ,i'm going to come back to it when i want some inspiration

osaurus

aimzLc2 wrote: »

Beautifully put.Your post really touched me, such a sad yet also uplifting story. Thank you so much for sharing ,i'm going to come back to it when i want some inspiration

It took me a long time to come to that point of view. Was angry for a long while, or what I thought was anger. Anger won't get you anywhere, it's a vicious circle. You can't change the past and in a lot of circumstances you can't change the course of events but you can chose to react in a healthy or unhealthy fashion.

Glad you took something from it

Hooked

I was catching up on an old box set of the Firefighter dramedy 'rescue me' the other night. I've always loved the show as my dad is a retired firefighter and the carachters in the show, the banter, slagging and camaraderie remind me of my dad and his crew.

Anywhooo... It's the series finale and it starts with Lou (the lieutenant of the group) leading a homily to his dead brothers. The climax of the penultimate episode was a huge fire, explosion and them all caught in a no way out scenario.

Lou's words from the altar just stirred something in me. Maybe the fact that he's a fireman, bears more than a passing resemblance to my dad or just seeing the families gathered and all the firehouse funeral fanfare.

The twist being that it was Lou who had died in the fire. And all the others survived. His worlds at the altar were about him, not from him.

It just hit me like a tonne of bricks.

One day I'm possibly going to be at that altar... Telling my 3 brothers what an amazing man my dad was. Recalling some of dads own stories of the fire house. And there'll be the firefighter guard of honour with so many familiar faces, strangely my best friend is now a fireman. The stop outside the firehouse (Dad lives quite close and oddly you'd pass it anyways going from funeral home to cemteary). The silent salute and old engine outside.

In that moment, lying on the couch, watching tv, I was never more greatful for the man my dad is, what he has sacrificed for us - and the fact I get to see him so regularly to enjoy his company. But at the same time realising... Death comes to us all.

Not just my dads mortality. We really should make the most out of life and enjoy the company of loved ones while they're still here. Work stresses, bills and other nonsense didn't seem as important going to bed that night.

mahamageehad

Reading this thread has put me on the verge of tears at times. Beautiful stories.

I thought I had nothing to contribute until last night. I can't even explain why I was so affected by this event but it really hit me hard. I guess that's kinda the point of this thread though.

My grandmother passed away about two months ago in hospital. My mother was her carer for years and has been finding it very tough. She was a very sick old lady who went downhill very quickly at the end, but it was a blessing as she was in so much pain and so confused with dementia and Alzheimer's. However she had had a long happy life and a big healthy loving family which made her luckier than most.

Last night I was out having a few drinks with my mother and aunt when I noticed a lady starting to strip herself on a stool in the pub. She was crying and she had one shoe off and one leg of her tights off and she was struggling with the other shoe, flashing the pub. It was already closing time and the lights in the pub were on, there were about 20 people there. I felt I had to go over and help this woman.

When I got to her she was just sobbing about how she wanted to go home. I crouched beside her and held her knees and tried to calm her. At this stage her sister (? not sure but they looked alike) came in from the smoking area and started crying as well (she was fairly well on it as well), asking the girl what she was doing and telling her to cop on. It turns out that this lady, who was only just 50, has been dealing with severe dementia and Alzheimer's for years. She didn't know where she was or didn't seem to notice the other people in the pub, she was just crying like a lost little girl for home. She didn't appear to know the sister at first.

She had gotten one boot off earlier but the zip on the second was broken and she had tried to pull the tights off around the shoe.Her tights were completely wrapped and caught around her boot and she was obviously agitated by them. At this stage the second lady told me a taxi was outside. I had to cut the tights from around her boot and help her put her other shoe on so she could walk out to the taxi. All the time she's still crying for someone to take her home and the other girl is crying for her to get up.

At this point it seems that the first lady cannot even remember how to walk. We gently lift her but she can't see to move her legs. After a minute another lady joins in and we manage to start her walking. Once we walk the few short steps to the taxi she can't even lift her leg into the car and has to be helped with that as well. Once I was sure she was in the taxi safe I went back to my family.

I didn't know the girl, still don't, but seeing someone that young affected so horribly by something like that just really hit me. At the time I didn't cry or get upset, I just wanted to help but I felt an overwhelming sadness like a weight on me. It really just changed your perspective and made me reevaluate things. I mean I know at times little problems can seem impossible but it's nothing compared to this girl. To be fair I have no idea if it's episodic or if she's always like that but she certainly shouldn't have been in a pub. I don't think she was drinking as there was a coke on the table. It's just so unbelievably sad. From looking at her last night I think she will probably be in full time care before long. I was completely floored by someone that young having Alzheimer's that bad. My grandmother was nowhere near that bad and she was 30 years or so older. This will be in the back of my head for a long time.

iwantmydinner

mahamageehad wrote: »

Reading this thread has put me on the verge of tears at times. Beautiful stories.

I thought I had nothing to contribute until last night. I can't even explain why I was so affected by this event but it really hit me hard. I guess that's kinda the point of this thread though.

My grandmother passed away about two months ago in hospital. My mother was her carer for years and has been finding it very tough. She was a very sick old lady who went downhill very quickly at the end, but it was a blessing as she was in so much pain and so confused with dementia and Alzheimer's. However she had had a long happy life and a big healthy loving family which made her luckier than most.

Last night I was out having a few drinks with my mother and aunt when I noticed a lady starting to strip herself on a stool in the pub. She was crying and she had one shoe off and one leg of her tights off and she was struggling with the other shoe, flashing the pub. It was already closing time and the lights in the pub were on, there were about 20 people there. I felt I had to go over and help this woman.

When I got to her she was just sobbing about how she wanted to go home. I crouched beside her and held her knees and tried to calm her. At this stage her sister (? not sure but they looked alike) came in from the smoking area and started crying as well (she was fairly well on it as well), asking the girl what she was doing and telling her to cop on. It turns out that this lady, who was only just 50, has been dealing with severe dementia and Alzheimer's for years. She didn't know where she was or didn't seem to notice the other people in the pub, she was just crying like a lost little girl for home. She didn't appear to know the sister at first.

She had gotten one boot off earlier but the zip on the second was broken and she had tried to pull the tights off around the shoe.Her tights were completely wrapped and caught around her boot and she was obviously agitated by them. At this stage the second lady told me a taxi was outside. I had to cut the tights from around her boot and help her put her other shoe on so she could walk out to the taxi. All the time she's still crying for someone to take her home and the other girl is crying for her to get up.

At this point it seems that the first lady cannot even remember how to walk. We gently lift her but she can't see to move her legs. After a minute another lady joins in and we manage to start her walking. Once we walk the few short steps to the taxi she can't even lift her leg into the car and has to be helped with that as well. Once I was sure she was in the taxi safe I went back to my family.

I didn't know the girl, still don't, but seeing someone that young affected so horribly by something like that just really hit me. At the time I didn't cry or get upset, I just wanted to help but I felt an overwhelming sadness like a weight on me. It really just changed your perspective and made me reevaluate things. I mean I know at times little problems can seem impossible but it's nothing compared to this girl. To be fair I have no idea if it's episodic or if she's always like that but she certainly shouldn't have been in a pub. I don't think she was drinking as there was a coke on the table. It's just so unbelievably sad. From looking at her last night I think she will probably be in full time care before long. I was completely floored by someone that young having Alzheimer's that bad. My grandmother was nowhere near that bad and she was 30 years or so older. This will be in the back of my head for a long time.

Wow. Just reading that has made me very grateful for my and my family's health.

MugMugs

Vojera wrote: »

I don't know if this counts, but I remember very distinctly the moment I stopped being a child. It stands out to me until this day.

When I was twelve my dad died in a car accident along with his brother. It happened in the early hours of the morning, but my sister and I happened to be staying in our granny's house (on our mum's side) that night.

I'm a six foot seventeen stone bald man and you just made me cry!

A lot of these stories run deep but your story made me physically weep..... first time in a very long time !

Ambersky

It is near Christmas and I know that this time brings back many memories for a lot of people as well as highlighting our happiness it can also highlight our unhappiness and our losses.
I think there is a sadness and a beauty in this thread which is also bringing out expressions of empathy and kindness. It reminds me of a poem called Kindness that expresses beautifully the interconnectedness of us all, our vulnerability and the gift we carry having been through loss. I hope some of you find this comforting, it is a sad poem but it is also hopeful in a real true no sugar coating kind of way.
If you dont like poetry just stop reading now

Kindness
Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

http://www.poets.org/m/dsp_poem.php?prmMID=23309

I LOVE it ambersky

Ambersky

HUGE hug to you whoopsadaisydoodles

I don't think it's a sad poem at all by the way. Is it wrong that it made me smile and made my heart happy? I'm weird.

beks101

Ambersky wrote: »

Kindness

This is beautiful and reminds me of my mother, who has endured great suffering, loss and pain in her life and is the kindest, most compassionate and loving human being I have ever met.

It brings that quote to mind: "Always be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."

I don't think there's anything more important in life than to truly see each other.

Thank you for posting.

MauraTheThird

This is not as pretty, as moving or as touching as other stories but it's a moment that I can pinpoint to being the turning point in my life.

When I was in fifth and sixth year in school, I suffered pretty bad depression. Friends turned against me, I couldn't handle the stress of the academic pressure of my school and my parents couldn't help/didn't want to help. I spiraled deeper and darker into myself and became a hollow shell of myself; blank, incapable of emotions, void of happiness and told no-one because no-one cared.

I began self-harming as a way of feeling something, but never for anyone to see, or for it to be any worse. I just wanted to know, that the real me was in there somewhere. It truely was a coping mechanism. That behind this facade and mask I put up, there was someone who still hurt underneath.

In sixth year, it got worse. I didn't want to just hurt anymore, I wanted to stop being. Friends didn't give a ****, family didn't know what to do and it was taking every ounce of energy to keep going and not to just end it all. I looked at every tree branch, every belt, every bottle of pills as an escape route, out of this place where living wasn't just enough anymore. I couldn't see the light in the darkness and just felt like "well, if they don't care about me, why should I?". I knew deep down, the Maura who saw beauty in everything, who loved everyone, who wanted life more than anything was still there and I didn't want to lose her so I sought out the help I needed by myself because anyone I turned to, turned me away.

With help, I realised that the people who I considered friends, whom I had helped through similar situations, simply couldn't help, or didn't want to. I realised that feeling like I did wasn't wrong considering everything but it had to change.

Why was I letting people who didn't care about me, hurt me emotionally, psychologically and in turn made me hurt myself physically?
Why was I contemplating ending a life I had barely started living, experiencing, enjoying because of some girls who decided to make me feel that way?
Why wasn't I giving myself the chance to do all the things I wanted to do; to travel, to fall in love, to begin a career I'd love, to have kids, to get married, to live happily ever after?
Why did I not care enough to save me?

I made a decision to stop.

I stopped depending on my friends for support that they couldn't give me, or didn't want to. I stopped using my boyfriend as an emotional crutch. I put my all into my counselling sessions and the at-home activities to help my mind improve and to see I was someone worth caring about. It was a long up-hill battle, I spend hours sopping in my sessions, I felt emotionally drained from all the soul searching I had to do to solve the crux of my problems.
But slowly, I realised that I was worth something, I was someone, there were still people in school who asked me to lunch every day, wanted to be my friend and still cared. Each of these small moments was a mini-victory in the "stay here, stay alive" camp. Dawn was coming.

I picked a course that would help me to help others, within my capabilities that would allow me to escape the friends who didn't care and would allow me to live out the sort of life I dreamed of. And despite everything, and how sad I felt, I achieved my own goal in life: Pharmacy in UCC.

When moving to Cork, I was terrified that a repeat of what had happened at home would occur. I was mistaken. I was welcoming into a core group of friends who seemed to love me for who I was from the get-go. This gave me the happiness to know that everything that had happened was not entirely my fault.

People had chosen to make me hate myself. They chose to make my life a misery.

And since then, I have not looked back.
I am in a course I love, with friends I adore, a new boyfriend who knows everything and loves me regardless and I sit here crying that I got that epiphany that I actually was worth something, because otherwise I would be another teenager lost to the depths of depression.

Daisies

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I don't think it's a sad poem at all by the way. Is it wrong that it made me smile and made my heart happy? I'm weird.

I feel the same way, it's very much a "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" poem.

osaurus

Since people mentioned poetry, this is in line with the thread believe it or not. Sort of tradition for me to watch this before placement. It is quite emotional so be careful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VrZE8MCnIA

loubian

MauraTheThird wrote: »

This is not as pretty, as moving or as touching as other stories but it's a moment that I can pinpoint to being the turning point in my life.

When I was in fifth and sixth year in school, I suffered pretty bad depression. Friends turned against me, I couldn't handle the stress of the academic pressure of my school and my parents couldn't help/didn't want to help. I spiraled deeper and darker into myself and became a hollow shell of myself; blank, incapable of emotions, void of happiness and told no-one because no-one cared.

I began self-harming as a way of feeling something, but never for anyone to see, or for it to be any worse. I just wanted to know, that the real me was in there somewhere. It truely was a coping mechanism. That behind this facade and mask I put up, there was someone who still hurt underneath.

In sixth year, it got worse. I didn't want to just hurt anymore, I wanted to stop being. Friends didn't give a ****, family didn't know what to do and it was taking every ounce of energy to keep going and not to just end it all. I looked at every tree branch, every belt, every bottle of pills as an escape route, out of this place where living wasn't just enough anymore. I couldn't see the light in the darkness and just felt like "well, if they don't care about me, why should I?". I knew deep down, the Maura who saw beauty in everything, who loved everyone, who wanted life more than anything was still there and I didn't want to lose her so I sought out the help I needed by myself because anyone I turned to, turned me away.

With help, I realised that the people who I considered friends, whom I had helped through similar situations, simply couldn't help, or didn't want to. I realised that feeling like I did wasn't wrong considering everything but it had to change.

Why was I letting people who didn't care about me, hurt me emotionally, psychologically and in turn made me hurt myself physically?
Why was I contemplating ending a life I had barely started living, experiencing, enjoying because of some girls who decided to make me feel that way?
Why wasn't I giving myself the chance to do all the things I wanted to do; to travel, to fall in love, to begin a career I'd love, to have kids, to get married, to live happily ever after?
Why did I not care enough to save me?

I made a decision to stop.

I stopped depending on my friends for support that they couldn't give me, or didn't want to. I stopped using my boyfriend as an emotional crutch. I put my all into my counselling sessions and the at-home activities to help my mind improve and to see I was someone worth caring about. It was a long up-hill battle, I spend hours sopping in my sessions, I felt emotionally drained from all the soul searching I had to do to solve the crux of my problems.
But slowly, I realised that I was worth something, I was someone, there were still people in school who asked me to lunch every day, wanted to be my friend and still cared. Each of these small moments was a mini-victory in the "stay here, stay alive" camp. Dawn was coming.

I picked a course that would help me to help others, within my capabilities that would allow me to escape the friends who didn't care and would allow me to live out the sort of life I dreamed of. And despite everything, and how sad I felt, I achieved my own goal in life: Pharmacy in UCC.

When moving to Cork, I was terrified that a repeat of what had happened at home would occur. I was mistaken. I was welcoming into a core group of friends who seemed to love me for who I was from the get-go. This gave me the happiness to know that everything that had happened was not entirely my fault.

People had chosen to make me hate myself. They chose to make my life a misery.

And since then, I have not looked back.
I am in a course I love, with friends I adore, a new boyfriend who knows everything and loves me regardless and I sit here crying that I got that epiphany that I actually was worth something, because otherwise I would be another teenager lost to the depths of depression.

This is very similar to my life and only last year did I find the help i needed and I have found myself again, i know I am worth something. So proud of us for reaching that realisation

beks101

I read through this thread from start to finish last night.

A friend of mine has died. Suddenly, inexplicably.

This brilliant, hilarious, spectacularly witty, fun-loving ALIVE man is now dead and I don't know why. How can someone so alive be dead? Where is he? WHY is he dead?

I understand the physical cause but emotionally, spiritually, mentally, in my heart and my soul and everything I know to be true about the world, I am bereft.

The last time I saw him we danced all night. He bummed fags off me and we ran from pillar to pillar to shelter from the pouring rain on Toronto island. We talked about Canada and life and love and work and how none of them made sense but there we were anyway, living through them and drunkenly trying to make sense of everything.

He tried in vain to teach me how to balance a pint on my head.

His infectious spirit. Slagging me playfully over every little word that came out of my mouth. Knocking on my hotel door to give me back my phone which my drunken head had left in the lobby. Marvelling at how he remembered the number. That smiling head. That smart, brilliant head. What the fcuk has happened.

Bumping this out of the blue for anyone else who may be bereft for any reason. Sitting here with tears that won't stop coming, empty tears. I have found some comfort in this thread. And in time might find some meaning where there appears to be none.

Sweet Rose

I was one of those people who coasted through life with the sense that everything was going my way. I had a lovely family, lovely friends, a good job and a great boyfriend at the time. I had the time and money to go on holidays, nice restaurants and buy the clothes I liked. I never knew real pain or loss, outside of my grandparents passing.

Then in 2010, it felt like things started to unravel. I broke up with my boyfriend, who I still think will be the love of my life. I was utterly heartbroken and used to cry myself to sleep for 6 months after the breakup. No one understood how low I felt and why but in the end I got myself through it and it did make me a stronger person.

The following year was by far the lowest in my life. My mother was my rock, she was ways there for me when I needed it. We were programmed the same way and we had the same sense of humour. I still haven't met a person who made me laugh so much.

In April of that year, she was diagnosed with cancer and died 3 months later. It was the most horrendous thing I've ever gone through. The feeling of being in the depths of despair and see my mother suffer so much was hell. She suffered a stroke during chemo and she couldn't speak to us in the month before her passing. This I will never come to terms with. How did she feel, what was she thinking, what could have made her final few weeks more comfortable for her. I will never know.

I cannot say I'm the same person now as I was before I lost my mother. I'm better and I'm worse. I feel I'm more compassionate and I can see things from other people's perspective. Unfortunately I feel I cannot let myself get too close to people as I think oh something will happen them and I'm be left on my own again.

Hopefully in time, I will heal a bit more. I've learnt, as my mother used to say but now it makes complete sense... Yesterday is history, today is a present and tomorrow is a mystery. Live, love and appreciate today. Life can change in the blink of an eye.

Sweet Rose

Oh Beks, I'm sorry I didn't read to the end of the thread and I had already posted my bit. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. Life really is so strange and can change in a flash. That's why you have to seize the moment and enjoy everyone and everything in your life today.

I hope you get some strength from this thread and from your great memories of him. Life is just so damn precious.

LegacyUser

Hello,

I think the more you see contradictions and complexity in life the more you realize it has meaning.

He was alive and now he is not. It's these moments that urge you to think of the reality of life. It's strange how perhaps only a funeral might make you think of the reality of life.

A lot of people think they live in the real world. Doing the practical things everyday. The necessary things that have their own value.

When i read your post I thought I am a flawed human being, still figuring it out myself. What could I say that would be wise, inspiring and most vitally of comfort to this person?

Moments like this force us to articulate things a lot of people don't say often or think about coherently and not so personally.
The only wisdom I can offer is this. These moments offer us the opportunity to be better people. To look deeper and to feel deeper.

It's a way to inspire you to love deeply those around you and to realize what is important about them and other people. It forces you to look at life really look at it's beauty and it's ugliness. It gives you the right to have those silly yet paradoxically important chats at midnight. And know it is more real than hard concrete. And then a few months later help someone through the less poetic viscerally physical ugliness of cancer barefaced. And both extremes feed something into the other, meaning. One gives the other meaning. Up gives down meaning.

What's your trigger ? What is your jump off point? What makes you ask the big questions?


Intense focus, thought, and the pursuit of excellence are certainly part of what it takes to be a success, but they can be applied to anything. Something that makes you think about the world, and your own life, in the most challenging way.


Life requires tunnel vision sometimes and a bit of detachment and sometimes you need to stop and look around.The more you see life as something complicated and full of contradictions the better you will understand yourself.

Your friend was unique. His life and his loss of life have made you look around at the world and ask big questions with huge feelings behind them. You might think about things easy to ignore otherwise. Give it your time. Let it consume your thoughts.

You will perhaps tell your children about him. You tell them about your summer and they will tell their children. I was always the type to ask for people's stories. You remember him.


It's life and it's the human world, I’ve been told easy is not the norm here.

There is something bigger than the mundane , there is magic and art and love and life and death. There is in other words to be fully human.

Some people see it only at times like these or they see it better.

Yes he was alive and now he is not. I'm so very very sorry. It's now you're feeling the real pain of love, even platonic love. But it will make your life truly lived.

And you answer all these questions. And still you need a hug more than anything from someone who gives great hugs.

I wish I could give you one. I may be daft but I give great hugs.

HUGS EVERYONE xxx