Help .. Just pryed onto my 13 year old son FB Acc

lorrii

He has really explicit messages and her also . Pictures etc . This fella is so sweet etc ( so I taught !!) I'm so shocked here and I don't know what to do . Do I tell him what I saw and do I take his I pod away ( she lives far away ) what do I do .. He had a picture of his willy up and asking to see her boobies and he is tell her she makes him horny ! This fella still sits on my lap for a cuddle help pls

silly

oh my...

sending pics like that....not good, tell him they will come back to haunt him when he is older - nothing on the internet is private.
i'm sure if her father saw what he was sending he would have his guts for garters

January

Why weren't you monitoring his access before this???

Cut his access to the internet immediately and have a serious chat with him about what he's doing.

This is serious, if he's sending pics of himself to this girl and her parents find out and report it to the authorities he could be in trouble with them.

lorrii

silly wrote: »

oh my...

sending pics like that....not good, tell him they will come back to haunt him when he is older - nothing on the internet is private.
i'm sure if her father saw what he was sending he would have his guts for garters

Yes I agree . Have prepared myself for a chat . Don't want to humilliate him but he needs to know the dangers etc . He is WAY too young for this level ... My god I'm just in shock .. Thanks for your reply

Kikin

I'm not a legal expert but fairly sure several (quite serious) laws are being broken here. They are both minors.

ElleEm

lorrii wrote: »

Yes I agree . Have prepared myself for a chat . Don't want to humilliate him but he needs to know the dangers etc . He is WAY too young for this level ... My god I'm just in shock .. Thanks for your reply

I may be wrong, but I think it would be good for him to feel humiliated and embarrassed by you seeing this. It may teach him that sending stuff like this on the internet is rarely private and could be seen by anyone- including this girl's parents.
This should be a good reminder to you to restrict and monitor his internet use too. He is a child, and the internet is really not a place he should be wandering around alone in!

lorrii

January wrote: »

Why weren't you monitoring his access before this???

Cut his access to the internet immediately and have a serious chat with him about what he's doing.

This is serious, if he's sending pics of himself to this girl and her parents find out and report it to the authorities he could be in trouble with them.

He just met this girl on Halloween .. First kiss crush etc ..She's back home in another country now. they were texting each other and he was telling me he liked her and they were boyfriend / girlfriend . I taught it was sweet and cute etc .... I didn't know till now what was happening . I've always kept an eye on him .. Hence finding out this issue. Although your comment is telling me what to do etc your also blaming me for this . Sometimes kids do stuff that u only know about or can respond to after it happens. Do u have teenage kids ? Do u watch over them 24/7 .. ?

January

No I don't have teenage kids and I'm not blaming you at all for what has happened, believe me I was a teenager once, with a lot of access to the internet (not monitored at all) so I know what kids can get up to. I loathe seeing my little cousins on FB posting things and would love to scream at their parents to actually monitor what they are doing on there but unfortunately it falls on deaf ears with my family.

You need to speak to your son, right after school today. Teen Line might be a great place for advice on how to speak to him about it, if you start with a tirade he'll probably just shut you out completely.

lorrii

ElleEm wrote: »

I may be wrong, but I think it would be good for him to feel humiliated and embarrassed by you seeing this. It may teach him that sending stuff like this on the internet is rarely private and could be seen by anyone- including this girl's parents.
This should be a good reminder to you to restrict and monitor his internet use too. He is a child, and the internet is really not a place he should be wandering around alone in!

True ..
Need to get my head together . Thanks

lorrii

January wrote: »

No I don't have teenage kids and I'm not blaming you at all for what has happened, believe me I was a teenager once, with a lot of access to the internet (not monitored at all) so I know what kids can get up to. I loathe seeing my little cousins on FB posting things and would love to scream at their parents to actually monitor what they are doing on there but unfortunately it falls on deaf ears with my family.

You need to speak to your son, right after school today. Teen Line might be a great place for advice on how to speak to him about it, if you start with a tirade he'll probably just shut you out completely.

Thanks .. I didn't know about teen line so thanks for that .. I actually rang parent line this morning and spoke to someone about it and yes need to talk to him .. Dreading it to tell u the truth ..

ElleEm

lorrii wrote: »

True ..
Need to get my head together . Thanks

Don't beat yourself up. You have learnt from this how to proceed, and your son will most certainly learn from it. January's advice about calling Teenline is a good one. You don't want to argue with him and teach him to hide what he is doing.

You want to open the lines of communication, discuss acceptable behaviours online and it will also allow for discussions on sex, natural desires and the age of consent.

Gambas

January wrote: »

This is serious, if he's sending pics of himself to this girl and her parents find out and report it to the authorities he could be in trouble with them.

Interest to know, what laws and what authorities?

lorrii

ElleEm wrote: »

Don't beat yourself up. You have learnt from this how to proceed, and your son will most certainly learn from it. January's advice about calling Teenline is a good one. You don't want to argue with him and teach him to hide what he is doing.

You want to open the lines of communication, discuss acceptable behaviours online and it will also allow for discussions on sex, natural desires and the age of consent.

Totally agree . Thank you for your time and thoughts on this ..you've helped a lot cheers

cali_eire

Obviously, this isn't great behavior but I think you have to keep things in perspective a little also. He is at "that age" when we all started to think a lot about sex because we had a lot of hormones pumping through us. He needs to know that it isn't appropriate for him to be sending messages like this but at the same time to make him feel humiliated about his only sexuality isn't the way to go. In my opinion you will loose any chance of keeping an open dialogue with him going forward if he feels overly shamed and he will only try to hide things from you even more. This doesnt mean you have to be his best friend but I think acting like the parish priest wont get you anywhere either.

lorrii

cali_eire wrote: »

Obviously, this isn't great behavior but I think you have to keep things in perspective a little also. He is at "that age" when we all started to think a lot about sex because we had a lot of hormones pumping through us. He needs to know that it isn't appropriate for him to be sending messages like this but at the same time to make him feel humiliated about his only sexuality isn't the way to go. In my opinion you will loose any chance of keeping an open dialogue with him going forward if he feels overly shamed and he will only try to hide things from you even more. This doesnt mean you have to be his best friend but I think acting like the parish priest wont get you anywhere either.

Thanks for that . We have a great relationship and I'm worried about damaging the trust .I think I'll turn off the wi fi (say it's broke)and chat to him as much as possible about what's going on and see what he tells me and see where that brings us . Thanks for your advise

ElleEm

lorrii wrote: »

Thanks for that . We have a great relationship and I'm worried about damaging the trust .I think I'll turn off the wi fi (say it's broke)and chat to him as much as possible about what's going on and see what he tells me and see where that brings us . Thanks for your advise

You are worried about damaging the trust yet you are willing to lie to him? Don't do this.
You want him to be open and honest with you so practice what you preach!
Tell him you saw something that concerned you on his Facebook page. Ask does he know what you could be referring to. He may say yes or he may deny it. Ask does he know WHY you would be concerned, and go from there.
He may argue that you invaded his privacy, but you are within your rights as his parent to monitor his internet usage. I know nothing about computers, but I know there are safety things you can do to restrict sites and things. Maybe look into it, and maybe only allow him to use it in a common room in the house (no internetin bedroom).

biggebruv

just tell him stuff like that could find its way onto youtube or something and be seen by millions of people

unrealistic I know but scare him LOL

sending pics of your body to people you wont be in contact with in few years from now is never good full stop

on the other hand theres no face to go with the willy so he could say its not him LOL

why would this even be on his facebook page anyways wont he have other friends who will see the pics??

iv heard of doing this through txting but facebook WTF!!

Ironman76

Ouch!

If it was me (I have a teenage son too) I would cut off internet access for a week. Then make the excuse that someone was complaining that explicit images were being posted from your IP address. I certainly wouldn't bring it up with him. The humiliation would be unbearable at that age.

Result
1 - He will sweat it out a bit but when you don't bring it up again he'll assume you never found out.
2 - You still get to make your point.
3 - As other posters have said he will know nothing is private on the internet and posting stuff like that is taken very seriously. Lesson learnt.

That's just what I would do. Easy for everyone else to say about trust but seriously. .

Michael D Not Higgins

Ironman76 wrote: »

Ouch!

If it was me (I have a teenage son too) I would cut off internet access for a week. Then make the excuse that someone was complaining that explicit images were being posted from your IP address. I certainly wouldn't bring it up with him. The humiliation would be unbearable at that age.

Result
1 - He will sweat it out a bit but when you don't bring it up again he'll assume you never found out.
2 - You still get to make your point.
3 - As other posters have said he will know nothing is private on the internet and posting stuff like that is taken very seriously. Lesson learnt.

That's just what I would do. Easy for everyone else to say about trust but seriously. .

Would a teenager buy that? Who would be complaining? Facebook or the ISP?

January

Gambas wrote: »

Interest to know, what laws and what authorities?

We don't know which country this girl is from, so don't know which exact authorities or laws, but as they are both minors and he (and/or she) has sent naked pictures of himself to her could be classed as child porn.

screamer

I don't think that prying into a teenagers account and then telling them that will build any trust. You might be allowed to do it because you are his parent, but that doesn't make it right, at least not in his eyes. Monitoring any FB account is OK if you have agreed the ground rules from the start, otherwise, this is going to look like a major breach of trust and you don't want that to define your relationship.

In your position, I would sit down with him, and yes, some lying is needed, that someone you know or work with... yada yada has a child who got into some serious trouble over their facebook account and what they posted on it. So, you would like to check his facebook account to make sure it's all OK. If he doesn't agree, then take it off line. I bet he'll want to use it, and I bet he'll take down the photos that he posted up. Also, you need to build in those rules, that either you can "friend" him to see what he is posting, or you can have access to his account whenever you wish to check it's all OK. No agreement to check, no fb account, no ground rules, no fb account. You need to take control without damaging the trust your child has in you.

Good luck, I only have a small child, dreading when they get older.

Pat Mustard

January wrote: »

We don't know which country this girl is from, so don't know which exact authorities or laws, but as they are both minors and he (and/or she) has sent naked pictures of himself to her could be classed as child porn.

Scary but correct, I think.

http://garda.blackhallpublishing.com/index.php/2013-05-31-05-54-16/subject-index/220-sexual-offences/1507-child-trafficking-and-pornography-act-1998

I don't know what the likelihood is of this happening, but somebody goes to the Guards or HSE over this, the potential fallout could be very nasty indeed.

I'd cut off all internet from the house immediately and indefinitely. I'd also make sure that the young fella closed down his currently known facebook and email accounts.

You can't afford to take chances with your children.

Ironman76

Michael D Not Higgins wrote: »

Would a teenager buy that? Who would be complaining? Facebook or the ISP?

I'm not an IT expert but you can report stuff to FB etc etc. I was just saying what i would do. I think both kids should be cut a break here. We all did mad stuff in our teens.

zl1whqvjs75cdy

Just a note OP might be worth looking into some more sophisticated ways of blocking his online activities than turning off the wifi. You'd be amazed how quickly kids learn to work around tech problems that confront them.

Kikin

Gambas wrote: »

Interest to know, what laws and what authorities?

Presuming OP is in Ireland, on their side he's technically producing and distributing child porn, on her side she's in possession of child porn. All extremely serious offenses in any jurisdiction.

meoklmrk91

I would be disconnecting the router and hiding it, not as punishment but so you can protect him from doing stuff like this, he could get in trouble over this.

I wouldn't be skirting around it, I would tell him the truth, that you saw what he had sent to that girl and explain to him how serious this is and how much trouble he could potentially get in. I know this kind of thing is difficult to bring up, especially when he is the age he is, he probably will be mortified, but if you want him to be honest with you then you have to be honest with him.

I think eventually you could allow him back online under the condition that he only goes on the Internet in the living room or somewhere he can be monitored and I would be doin spot checks of his FB account as well for quite a while.

kippy

OP, this kinda thing lays ahead for a lot of us here and I have to say I'm not looking forward to dealing with the mixing of modern technology, peer pressure and the hormones of a teenager. I've a good few years to wait yet.

I honestly feel sorry for many parents of teens nowadays in these circumstances. Generally the kids are far more techie than the parents and while it's all well and good to advise parents to better "monitor" what their kids do, or block them altogether, using technology, very few parents have the wherewithall to outsmart the kids. For a length of time any way.

Bearing that in mind and bearing in mind that they will generally find a way I hope to get through this phase in my kids life by:
1. Trying as best as I can to bring them up as well as I can, making sure they have respect for themselves and others.
2. Making sure they are aware of the dangers of the internet, how it is monitored, how nothing is private and the implications of using it for situations such as this.
3. Where possible ensuing that ALL internet access in the home - up until a certain age at least, is done via a computer in a shared "public" - monitored area of the house. Strict rules are implemented and enforced about what can be accessed and appropriate behavior online at home.
4. Keeping an eye, as much as possible, on what they are doing to the extent as having access to their usernames and passwords for various sites.
5. Enforcing strongly any in-appropriate behaviour and facing head on with them and issues that I think will crop up.

That's all well and good many will say, but its about ALL most parents CAN do without extra technical knowledge.

endacl

OP, you need to be absolutely firm on this.

Don't forget the 'delete' function for the pictures on FB. Then close the account.

LegacyUser

Ironman76 wrote: »

Ouch!

If it was me (I have a teenage son too) I would cut off internet access for a week. Then make the excuse that someone was complaining that explicit images were being posted from your IP address. I certainly wouldn't bring it up with him. The humiliation would be unbearable at that age.

Result
1 - He will sweat it out a bit but when you don't bring it up again he'll assume you never found out.
2 - You still get to make your point.
3 - As other posters have said he will know nothing is private on the internet and posting stuff like that is taken very seriously. Lesson learnt.

That's just what I would do. Easy for everyone else to say about trust but seriously. .

Going unreg for this one...

I understand you completely freaking out... but if I were you, I would do exactly as this poster has suggested.

I got up to mischief in my youth over the internet and now I am absolutely RED-FACED remembering it. It's almost unbearable to remember!

If you admit to prying - that's it, your trust is broken! The scare that would come from you receiving a "complaint" of explicit images would be more than enough to have deterred me. At that time, I like your son thought if something was sent over "private messaging" it was "private" :eyes: How naive I was...

I'm sure I'm not the only one to have ever done this, and your son's not an anomaly but to protect him, you need to keep his trust and by saying you got the complaint it will in some way let him learn for himself the dangers of (literally) exposing yourself on the internet. Big brother is always watching. And he remembers. Even when you forget.

yellow50HX

I don't want to be telling you your business, not a parent of a teenage kid (yet) but if you want to convince him how easy it is to see what's on the net you only need to say that you could view them, just imagine about her side of the thing. If this is on his phone or her phone then anyone can see it, just like you. You say you came across it from your own profile. I am still amazed how many people, mostly adults have personal stuff up on public profiles that anyone can see.

Anyway you can try approaching it from the innocent/ignorant of internet side rather then saying you were prying. Just remind that anyone in his school can see that too and that it could be used to bully him.

Jesus life was so much more simple before camera phones and the internet.

spurious

Disclaimer: Not a parent but have dealt many times with teenagers in similar situations.

Whatever about the technical end of things and banning or not banning access to social networking sites, you need to have a chat with him about respect. Respect for himself, respect for girls, respect for you in terms of what he does or does not do on your internet connection.

He needs to know that no, not every one of his friends is up to what they claim to be up to; no, sending pictures of his genitals does not make him a grown up and just because his friends are all doing it, or claim to be, doesn't make it right for him to do.

There is also the possibility of the 'frighten him' approach, with stories of what is on the internet stays up there and legislation about the possible repercussions of disseminating obscene pictures and/or photos of underage people.

I think the respect chat might be the best way forward. I would not lie about how you saw the things on facebook and explain to him that it is your job to make sure he is safe and it's a good thing you checked as he was leaving himself open to all sorts of trouble.

January

yellow50HX wrote: »

I don't want to be telling you your business, not a parent of a teenage kid (yet) but if you want to convince him how easy it is to see what's on the net you only need to say that you could view them, just imagine about her side of the thing. If this is on his phone or her phone then anyone can see it, just like you. You say you came across it from your own profile. I am still amazed how many people, mostly adults have personal stuff up on public profiles that anyone can see.

Anyway you can try approaching it from the innocent/ignorant of internet side rather then saying you were prying. Just remind that anyone in his school can see that too and that it could be used to bully him.

Jesus life was so much more simple before camera phones and the internet.

They never mentioned that they could see it from their profile.

Miss_diagnosis

OP I Feel your pain. I too have a 13 year old and a couple of weeks ago I found a condom in his wallet. he swore it was his mates (how often I used that one myself) and after sneaking a read of his instant messages with his friends turns out he was actually telling the truth.But it just seems to be one thing after another with him lately. He too seems so sweet and innocent. awkward position your in but I don't think banning the internet or turning off the wifi (I assume he has a phone he can access internet on anyway) is your solution.Confront him and tell him you seen what was on his facebook.most likely he will be so embarrassed he wont do it again.

.jacksparrow.

Miss_diagnosis wrote: »

OP I Feel your pain. I too have a 13 year old and a couple of weeks ago I found a condom in his wallet. he swore it was his mates (how often I used that one myself) and after sneaking a read of his instant messages with his friends turns out he was actually telling the truth.But it just seems to be one thing after another with him lately. He too seems so sweet and innocent. awkward position your in but I don't think banning the internet or turning off the wifi (I assume he has a phone he can access internet on anyway) is your solution.Confront him and tell him you seen what was on his facebook.most likely he will be so embarrassed he wont do it again.

Fair play to him for been sensible, teens are gonna have sex but at least he is using protection.

masti123

As long as his face isn't in the picture I don't see any problem with it, sure I was doing the same at his age

endacl

masti123 wrote: »

As long as his face isn't in the picture I don't see any problem with it, sure I was doing the same at his age

At the risk of stating the bleeding obvious, well of course you don't see anything wrong with it if you were doing the same thing...

Aineoil

As Spurious said....have a chat with him.

Jezek

Blue Crystal wrote: »

Am I the only one that thinks he did nothing wrong??

You should be glad

Even if morally you don't disagree, surely you can see that the possibility of a criminal record/sex offender registers etc are not good? Also, you probably are in a small minority of people that don't realise why this is wrong.

BetterThanThou

I'd say you'll have to be honest, tell him due to this incident you'll want to check his Facebook and if he doesn't like that he can stop using it. Tell him if he doesn't give you access to his Facebook account then he can't use the internet at all. And also give him a talk about safe sex and the consequences of having a child at a young age, as even if you can stop him from having sex now, it will happen in the next few years anyway. At his age, he almost definitely knows why he shouldn't do it, but he's still doing it anyway. When I was that age, I did similar things and my only fear was one of my parents or family members finding out despite knowing what I was doing wrong and why I shouldn't do it.

Peanut Butter Jelly

I as a teenager myself can understand what your son's mindset is. I also know that at 13 I was able to bypass most of the blocks that were on the national school laptops when I went back there during the Summer. One thing you can do which is inconspicuous is to simply take the fuse out of the plug for the wifi modem. There will be no electricity to it and it's the last thing that anybody would think of.

byhookorbycrook

Just stopping the wifi is not the way to deal with this. You need to sit down and have a serious talk. Children very often do not realise that once something is on the internet, that it can and does go anywhere. Even taking down the pictures doesn't mean you eliminate them.

CrazyRabbit

Disconnecting the wifi is akin to telling a child to never cross a road. It's better to show them how to be safe than to leave them ignorant.

Peanut Butter Jelly

I posted about what I thought was the best way to turn off the Wifi if that is the route the OP wants to go down. I didn't talk about talking to the child as I'm only 17 and not actually a parent. I totally think that it should be done, especially with what has been sent between the two of them, but I simply couldn't say how.