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Long termers TTC

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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,009 ✭✭✭bilbot79


    I understand where you are coming from. My penny's worth is to go for it. I completely understand what you mean when you say that you dont want it to be the one thing you didn't try.
    A few thoughts
    * Would it be a huge pressure on you as a male feeling you have to financially provide, do extra hours, take on extra roles for more pay?
    * Could Mrs. B get signed off sick leave, take a career break, leave of absence or something instead of giving her job up completely
    * Mentally, if it was me I'd find the days long at home. I'd have to much time to over think stuff. Could she join a library/ local group for stuff to do during the day like a walking group,book club, craft class anything at all to get out of the house?
    * I've had 5 IUIs and one IVF. I worked throughout the IUIs from first day of period to the dreaded result. I went sick from first day of my period with the IVF until after the awful result. All BFN but I did feel for myself being off work was much easier on my mental health.

    Have you both spoken to a GP about this, tryed acupuncture?
    Whatever you both decide stay strong and look after yourselves and your relationship together

    No pressure on me I don't think. Its actually my idea. I will feel better knowing she's in a better place and financially I just need to keep my head down in work plus sacrifice some dreams like moving house etc.

    We're gonna look into leave of absence. Talked about sick leave before but doctors don't seem keen.

    She tends to want to apply herself and I'm sure she'd take some kind of online course or something. We were talking today and we're on the fertility cliff now so it might be best to revert to the tried and tested 'me tarzan, you jane' modus operandi ie single income family.
    Physiologically it might be too much to ask of a near fortysomething person to juggle everything. Just for a few years while we have a chance left.

    I think there are ways of minimising the impact with the home person budgeting, managing the house and finances etc.


  • Registered Users Posts: 301 ✭✭Nerd Queen


    bilbot79 wrote: »
    No pressure on me I don't think. Its actually my idea. I will feel better knowing she's in a better place and financially I just need to keep my head down in work plus sacrifice some dreams like moving house etc.

    We're gonna look into leave of absence. Talked about sick leave before but doctors don't seem keen.

    She tends to want to apply herself and I'm sure she'd take some kind of online course or something. We were talking today and we're on the fertility cliff now so it might be best to revert to the tried and tested 'me tarzan, you jane' modus operandi ie single income family.
    Physiologically it might be too much to ask of a near fortysomething person to juggle everything. Just for a few years while we have a chance left.

    I think there are ways of minimising the impact with the home person budgeting, managing the house and finances etc.

    I think absolutely do whatever you feel you need to. You have a window in which you can really go for this so give it your all. Don't have regrets about what you didn't do.


  • Registered Users Posts: 94 ✭✭babydream


    How is everyone doing this week? I always find Christmas hard, this year ive no interest and just wish I could skip it altogether. Ive decided to stay away from family on the day itself and himself and myself are just gonna lock the door and eat crap and watch crap for the day.


  • Registered Users Posts: 35 CCCHIA


    babydream wrote: »
    How is everyone doing this week? I always find Christmas hard, this year ive no interest and just wish I could skip it altogether. Ive decided to stay away from family on the day itself and himself and myself are just gonna lock the door and eat crap and watch crap for the day.

    This is Exactly how I feel - Its like my feelings have been dulled/numbed and I couldn't care less. We miscarried in October - spontaneous pregnancy after 3 years of TTC, was just about to start a new IVF cycle - Anyway we should have been 12 weeks now and telling everyone our good news - I'm really not dealing with it - I'm teary and then angry and then just feeling so so so sorry for myself. Got my period again yesterday too.

    I wish we could lock ourselves away too but my husband just doesn't understand - he thinks we need to carry on as normal - I've told him that I'm finding it hard and don't want to even meet my friends over the xmas period but he just gets cross - we've everyone over to ours for xmas day too - maybe a distraction is good for me but I'm just tired of acting like i'm ok.


  • Registered Users Posts: 652 ✭✭✭GaGa21


    babydream wrote:
    How is everyone doing this week? I always find Christmas hard, this year ive no interest and just wish I could skip it altogether. Ive decided to stay away from family on the day itself and himself and myself are just gonna lock the door and eat crap and watch crap for the day.

    CCCHIA wrote:
    This is Exactly how I feel - Its like my feelings have been dulled/numbed and I couldn't care less. We miscarried in October - spontaneous pregnancy after 3 years of TTC, was just about to start a new IVF cycle - Anyway we should have been 12 weeks now and telling everyone our good news - I'm really not dealing with it - I'm teary and then angry and then just feeling so so so sorry for myself. Got my period again yesterday too.

    I feel the same at Christmas the last few years. It's just not the same for me now.

    I had such a sad xmas last year that we have booked flights to go over to the UK to my sister next week. She has 4 kids, including my new niece that I've yet to meet! So I am excited and really looking forward to it now.

    Because to be honest, Christmas is all about the kids. And if I can't have my own, I want to share it with my nieces and nephews. Otherwise I would be sad and depressed Christmas morning, no matter how hard I try.

    All we can do is hope that 2019 will be our year and we might have either a pregnancy or new baby by next Christmas. That would be the best gift of all.

    Really hope you guys find a way to enjoy the time in some way.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,009 ✭✭✭bilbot79


    My wife was bawling with it the other day but this has been the latest in a few 'my life isn't as wonderful as it's supposed to be at Christmas time'

    Personally I find myself coping better as time goes on. That's not to say that constant failure isn't crap, I just don't want too wish my life away. I've genuinely accepted that my life is not as good as other peoples (in ttc terms) so I don't get as bothered as I used to.

    Don't mind Christmas being s*** either, got the canaries booked in January :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 94 ✭✭babydream


    CCCHIA wrote: »
    This is Exactly how I feel - Its like my feelings have been dulled/numbed and I couldn't care less. We miscarried in October - spontaneous pregnancy after 3 years of TTC, was just about to start a new IVF cycle - Anyway we should have been 12 weeks now and telling everyone our good news - I'm really not dealing with it - I'm teary and then angry and then just feeling so so so sorry for myself. Got my period again yesterday too.

    I wish we could lock ourselves away too but my husband just doesn't understand - he thinks we need to carry on as normal - I've told him that I'm finding it hard and don't want to even meet my friends over the xmas period but he just gets cross - we've everyone over to ours for xmas day too - maybe a distraction is good for me but I'm just tired of acting like i'm ok.

    My husband is the same, thinks we need to carry on as if we aren't going through this and then I get pi**ed off with him. I just put my foot down this time and said nope I'm not doing it!! Turned down every invite and am just going to stay at home. Tbh if we don't have kids in the future then we need to start getting use to Christmas just being us two.
    bilbot79 wrote: »
    My wife was bawling with it the other day but this has been the latest in a few 'my life isn't as wonderful as it's supposed to be at Christmas time'

    Personally I find myself coping better as time goes on. That's not to say that constant failure isn't crap, I just don't want too wish my life away. I've genuinely accepted that my life is not as good as other peoples (in ttc terms) so I don't get as bothered as I used to.

    Don't mind Christmas being s*** either, got the canaries booked in January :)

    Oh lucky you I could do with a nice trip away


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,009 ✭✭✭bilbot79


    babydream wrote: »
    My husband is the same, thinks we need to carry on as if we aren't going through this and then I get pi**ed off with him. I just put my foot down this time and said nope I'm not doing it!! Turned down every invite and am just going to stay at home. Tbh if we don't have kids in the future then we need to start getting use to Christmas just being us two.



    Oh lucky you I could do with a nice trip away

    Thank heavens for small Grace's ðŸ˜


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hey, going unreg as various people know who I am IRL...

    Wife and I have a daughter, who took a long time to conceive (though we did so naturally in the end after 14 months). We've now been trying again for #2 for a year and I'm running out of ways to pick her up again each month. We're due to "get the bad news" on Christmas day in this cycle and she's just so down about it already expecting the worst. There's only so many times you can say "we'll get there", "maybe next time", or "just keep doing all the right things and it will happen", etc. before it gets a bit hollow. It's kinda like anything I try to do to make it better is wrong. She's blaming herself, she's angry at all the people around her announcing their pregnancies... people who smoke, people who just seem to look at each other and a baby appears. On flip side one of her friends found out this year (who also started TTC when we were with our daughter) that they had run out of options, so she feels guilty that she's upset when we already at least have a daughter.

    I think I've become a numb to the whole process and it's just an endless cycle of hope and disappointment. I pretty much set my mind up for bad news so it doesn't hit as hard, but it does get harder the longer it goes on. We're now approaching how long it took us for our first daughter so I cling on to that, that we did it once, we can do it again... but what if we go past that milestone, where do we go from there. Ugh... I just need to vent. Feeling a bit helpless to help my wife. She needs to go through what she's going through and there's not much I can do about that.


  • Registered Users Posts: 94 ✭✭babydream


    ttcagain wrote: »
    Hey, going unreg as various people know who I am IRL...

    Wife and I have a daughter, who took a long time to conceive (though we did so naturally in the end after 14 months). We've now been trying again for #2 for a year and I'm running out of ways to pick her up again each month. We're due to "get the bad news" on Christmas day in this cycle and she's just so down about it already expecting the worst. There's only so many times you can say "we'll get there", "maybe next time", or "just keep doing all the right things and it will happen", etc. before it gets a bit hollow. It's kinda like anything I try to do to make it better is wrong. She's blaming herself, she's angry at all the people around her announcing their pregnancies... people who smoke, people who just seem to look at each other and a baby appears. On flip side one of her friends found out this year (who also started TTC when we were with our daughter) that they had run out of options, so she feels guilty that she's upset when we already at least have a daughter.

    I think I've become a numb to the whole process and it's just an endless cycle of hope and disappointment. I pretty much set my mind up for bad news so it doesn't hit as hard, but it does get harder the longer it goes on. We're now approaching how long it took us for our first daughter so I cling on to that, that we did it once, we can do it again... but what if we go past that milestone, where do we go from there. Ugh... I just need to vent. Feeling a bit helpless to help my wife. She needs to go through what she's going through and there's not much I can do about that.

    This is the place to vent we all have to do it somewhere and its great to have a safe place to do so.

    My husband sounds like you, he is always saying this will be our month, always looking on the bright side of things, while I get angry and upset. I just wallow in self pity for the first couple of days of my cycle before I give myself a kick up the a**.

    On Christmas day I was just so f**ked off with the world around me and I just lost the plot and let the husband have it. For me I felt he wasn't even that bothered about what we were going through as I never saw him upset or angry about the situation. Then he broke down and told me he was trying to be the strong one and pull me along.

    We are still going through this crap but I feel a lot better about that now that he has shown how he really feels, I truly feel we are now in this together and feel much closer to my husband since he finally let his emotions out to me.

    So I'm just saying maybe tell your wife how you are feeling and don't put on a show of bravery, it will bring you both closer.

    Best of luck with it all


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,356 ✭✭✭Lucuma


    bilbot79 wrote: »
    Hi folks.

    After 1 mc and 1 ectopic and God knows how many years ttc were thinking of taking Mrs out of the workplace to concentrate on health and stress relief etc. She's been developing unprecedented migraines and tension headaches and our situation just seems to get worse. It's a bold move and lots of money to be lost but we can make it work and TBH I don't want this to be the one thing we didn't try.

    What do you think? Is it overkill?

    I would go for it Bilbot. Definitely. Life is too short. Her health is no.1 priority not just for TTC. It makes perfect sense that the body would find it easier to conceive if it is as well rested and healthy as possible.


  • Registered Users Posts: 652 ✭✭✭GaGa21


    I'll believe it when I see it


    I know....but I can't help but feel hopeful now and a little bit happier going into 2019.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1 LittleMiss2019


    Hello,

    I have been a lurker here for many years now; I am in my 5th year of trying to conceive – yet to achieve success. I have considered posting on many occasions especially at this time of year when I know it is exceptionally difficult for all of us.

    This Christmas was especially tough, family occasions; births of babies and everywhere I look I see expectant mothers. We are both exhausted of the heartbreak every month. For me, I feel really low, lonely, sad, angry for a couple of days and then I have to perk up and do all I can to face into the new cycle with optimistim and positivity. It is getting tougher with each passing month.

    The 3 things that keep me going are:

    No 1. You all, and your posts of happy, sad and work in progress stories. Thank you for posting. You have no idea how many lurkers like me you are giving hope, inspiration and drive to. Thank you so much. X

    No 2. The success stories after years of trying, this gives hope.

    No 3. Positive thinking quotes from sources online which help try to stamp out the negative thinking that creeps in with every heartbreaking month.

    So I guess I just wanted to say – thanks for being there.

    As we head into a new year, I truly hope it is the year that will bring us all baby joy.

    Little Miss Optimistic

    xxxxxx


  • Registered Users Posts: 82 ✭✭Fingersandtoes


    I'm glad Christmas is over and I'm one of the lucky ones. I've a girl who's five who was born to a very innocent Mammy and Daddy who knew nothing of the world of infertility. We've both been improving our diet/ lifestyle in the last year. I got a full blood test on everything possible recently. It showed a possible problem with my thyroid. So I'm waiting on an appointment with a consultant and then probably going to go down the IVF route this year.
    I actually only mentally feel ready to now after a few failed IUIs and a failed IVF in the space of six months in 2017.
    I have become so aware of so many couples I know of and through people that are in the same boat. I was in a pub one night over Christmas and I could count ten people all in the same pub that were having infertility problems. It was a quiet night in a rural pub. I was chatting to a male friend of mine who was finding it impossible to support his wife as he didn't know what to say. It opened my eyes to how men feel.
    It's a hard journey and definitely being honest with your partner will help.
    Hopefully this year will be a positive year for all of us.
    Thanks to all here for the support xx


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,123 ✭✭✭LCD


    Heard that a friend & his wife are expecting. He is 47 & his wife's age has never been confirmed, but judging by the gentle slagging he gives her, she is very close to 50.

    Not sure, if is assisted or natural (very strong hunch its assisted). Delighted for them.

    It's never too late & is always hope. Is just so bloody hard though.


  • Registered Users Posts: 301 ✭✭Nerd Queen


    Hope everyone had a nice christmas and new year! Here's to 2019 and new fresh slate! Or so I'm trying to convince myself!


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    babydream wrote: »
    This is the place to vent we all have to do it somewhere and its great to have a safe place to do so.

    My husband sounds like you, he is always saying this will be our month, always looking on the bright side of things, while I get angry and upset. I just wallow in self pity for the first couple of days of my cycle before I give myself a kick up the a**.

    On Christmas day I was just so f**ked off with the world around me and I just lost the plot and let the husband have it. For me I felt he wasn't even that bothered about what we were going through as I never saw him upset or angry about the situation. Then he broke down and told me he was trying to be the strong one and pull me along.

    We are still going through this crap but I feel a lot better about that now that he has shown how he really feels, I truly feel we are now in this together and feel much closer to my husband since he finally let his emotions out to me.

    So I'm just saying maybe tell your wife how you are feeling and don't put on a show of bravery, it will bring you both closer.

    Best of luck with it all

    Thanks for the reply. Yes, I think I can identify with your husband a bit. I'd swear you were my wife as we had a similar "breakthrough" of sorts where I finally caved a little. I think she had similar thoughts about me, that I wasn't that bothered by it all. We actually came out of that conversation a bit better which I'm glad of.

    Christmas came and went. It was good for the most part but still tough... including at one catch up with (her) friends (who all know) where one was making comments about how glad they are to be done having babies (in the context of passing on baby stuff to another friend expecting her first). The expectant friend then also passing comments about having no idea how quick it would be to get pregnant. New cycle started on Christmas Eve... so that was a low point. My wife is now entering the phase of expecting the worst in the coming days.... not helped by the fact that I found out I have to travel for the work during the next ovulation cycle (no baby for 2019 so). Trying to keep chin up. We've started the process of getting professional help... getting all the tests done. Everything is working perfectly on her side at least. Having a plan for the next few months will hopefully lift hopes again. I think this one in the next few days is going to be rough though.


  • Registered Users Posts: 94 ✭✭babydream


    How is everyone getting on so far with 2019?

    We have just moved house and I started a new job so lots of changes. We put off all TTC efforts until we got settled. Starting Puragon next cycle, 3 months of that and then if that's unsuccessful, starting IVF in September.

    Cant believe its been 3 years since we first started TTC :eek:


  • Registered Users Posts: 301 ✭✭Nerd Queen


    So after 3 years I got 2 positive HPT’s this morning 😱! Still in shock! I’ve had a bug the last week and I was in with my on/gyn last week who hadn’t seen a sign of the pregnancy so am a little cautious but here’s hoping! Bloods booked for Monday!


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  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Massive congratulations to you nerd queen. :D:D I'm fcuking delighted for you!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 301 ✭✭Nerd Queen


    Neyite wrote: »
    Massive congratulations to you nerd queen. :D:D I'm fcuking delighted for you!!

    Thanks - still stunned!


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,091 ✭✭✭catrionanic


    Nerd Queen wrote: »
    So after 3 years I got 2 positive HPT’s this morning 😱! Still in shock! I’ve had a bug the last week and I was in with my on/gyn last week who hadn’t seen a sign of the pregnancy so am a little cautious but here’s hoping! Bloods booked for Monday!

    That is absolutely amazing news. I bet you feel like you've lost control of your brain! Well done you. Enjoy all the excitement and wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy.


  • Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,919 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    Congratulations Nerd Queen! That’s amazing news!!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 652 ✭✭✭GaGa21


    Hope you all have got through this weekend ok. I have been an emotional wreck attending a Christening yesterday and looking at Mother's Day posts on my feed today. Times like this are hard...


  • Registered Users Posts: 82 ✭✭Fingersandtoes


    Nerd Queen, massive congratulations to you both.

    I know today was a hard day for everyone. Stay positive and look after your mental health


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,009 ✭✭✭bilbot79


    Mrs Bilbot and I moved clinics as well as her giving up work for at least a year. We did a PGS cycle producing 3 embryos, 2 of which are not viable (too many chromosomes etc) and the other has to be retested however the feeling is it will be bad too.

    Given the story so far and this new information there is a sense now that we can't make a baby together and the conversation will turn to alternatives like egg donation.

    It's a bitter pill to swallow after so much Investment of time, effort and turmoil. I'm gutted for my wife as after all this she deserves to carry her own child but probably won't now. I've told her whatever she wants to do next I will go along with it, be it donated egg or no child at all.

    The only positives are that the PGS has potentially saved us the heartache of 3 miscarriages. There's also the sense that even with an outcome of failure at least the process might end and we can move on with our lives.


  • Registered Users Posts: 301 ✭✭Nerd Queen


    bilbot79 wrote: »
    Mrs Bilbot and I moved clinics as well as her giving up work for at least a year. We did a PGS cycle producing 3 embryos, 2 of which are not viable (too many chromosomes etc) and the other has to be retested however the feeling is it will be bad too.

    Given the story so far and this new information there is a sense now that we can't make a baby together and the conversation will turn to alternatives like egg donation.

    It's a bitter pill to swallow after so much Investment of time, effort and turmoil. I'm gutted for my wife as after all this she deserves to carry her own child but probably won't now. I've told her whatever she wants to do next I will go along with it, be it donated egg or no child at all.

    The only positives are that the PGS has potentially saved us the heartache of 3 miscarriages. There's also the sense that even with an outcome of failure at least the process might end and we can move on with our lives.

    Wishing you and mrs bilbot all the best with whatever path you choose!


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,091 ✭✭✭catrionanic


    bilbot79 wrote: »
    Mrs Bilbot and I moved clinics as well as her giving up work for at least a year. We did a PGS cycle producing 3 embryos, 2 of which are not viable (too many chromosomes etc) and the other has to be retested however the feeling is it will be bad too.

    Given the story so far and this new information there is a sense now that we can't make a baby together and the conversation will turn to alternatives like egg donation.

    It's a bitter pill to swallow after so much Investment of time, effort and turmoil. I'm gutted for my wife as after all this she deserves to carry her own child but probably won't now. I've told her whatever she wants to do next I will go along with it, be it donated egg or no child at all.

    The only positives are that the PGS has potentially saved us the heartache of 3 miscarriages. There's also the sense that even with an outcome of failure at least the process might end and we can move on with our lives.

    I've been following your story for quite some time now, and I'm so sorry to hear you've not had better news. You sound like such a strong couple, and such a devoted husband. You are also very good at staying positive and seeing the bigger picture.

    Whichever road you choose to go down, I wish you the best. And if you do go the egg donor route, just know that just because the baby wouldn't be biologically your wife's child, it really wouldn't matter. She would be carrying the baby, giving birth to it, raising him or her with all her family values and morals, and would be the mother is every way that matters.

    Best of luck to you both.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 119 ✭✭Farmerstatia


    Hi everyone.

    So we were ttc for a few years.
    Had four eggs frozen .
    One fresh cycle which failed.
    One frozen transfer which resulted in our now 8 mth old boy called teddy.

    Got scan yest and cleared to start on day two of cycle next month for another frozen transfer.
    To say we are excited but yetnervous is an understatement...

    Hope everyone is getting on good through this hard process ...
    Baby dust to all and prayers


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