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Woman horrified that husband has a **** every day, writes to the Times about it
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Rub deep heat on the meat and veg when he gets his urges and he'll soon learn to associate those urges with the burning shame they deserve.Evillemachine wrote: »Maybe a tad harsh - perhaps a clothes peg attached to his filthy thing while he contemplates his fould deeds.
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Yes it is. If someone has a mental block about something, that is a problem in their head and unless they a) admit they have a problem and b) want to address it, nobody else will ever be able to help them.
And in this case, factious or otherwise, that mental block is religion, namely the Catholic Religion, cure. ban all religion.
IE then we won't HAVE to obey our government either.
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Sorry for this......
But what's he been wiping himself with every morning? And how has he been getting rid of the evidence without her finding out for 20 years ?.....
That's a lot of Kleenex....
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Well banana skin is good, I'm told, have yet to try that actually, every day? I suppose, asuming this is not a hoax, she probably washed every day, sheets and underwear, made no difference to her and she was NOT [apparently] looking out for signs, or, as I type she sis notice signs and ignored them, but now saw the same signs from her son ~@ ?0 -
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I was away on a football trip once where we all had to share rooms, two to each room.
Anyway, one of the lads laid out his kit before going to bed, but the next morning he couldn’t find his socks anywhere.
Turned out his roommate had decided to have a quiet **** during the night and used the socks to clean himself afterwards……they were the only thing he could find in the dark….the socks were eventually found on the ground outside directly beneath the hotel window.
Seriously, the last thing on a blokes mind after a nice **** is washing towels.
Haha! I would have loved to have seen the face of the owner of the socks when he found out what happened to them.
This conversation has put me in mind of something I used to ask my Scottish-Canadian boyfriend off and on back when we were an item.
Since we lived an hour and a half apart by car, I once emailed him a message called 'The Scotsman's Guide to Lovemaking' (see below for the guide)and one weekend together and after our morning shower we did the 'deed' (again) before we headed out for the day. For a laugh and since it needed a wash anyway, I passed him my nightie. The look on his face was priceless when he realized what I had just done. I was pretty much giggling all day.
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THE SCOTSMANS GUIDE TO LOVE MAKING
PREPARATION
Friday night is very much love-night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional aphrodisiac 12 pints, a white pudding supper and 3 pickled onions - his mind is set on one thing - LOVE! Or as he says, 'Ma nookie!'
His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion, 'Any chance of ma hole?'
The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, 'Awa tae fcuk, ya bampot, ye!'
FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his lightly soiled Y-fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, 'Here we go, here we go, here we go.' Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher. This is a classic
example of alcohol-induced double vision.
INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's member is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self-esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as, 'Ya useless bastard,' or possibly, 'I'll tell ye wan thing...it never happens tae ra Milkman.'
FELLATIO
Oral is a great favorite of the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, 'How'd ye like tae pit yer teeth roon this Daphne?' Although the lady's name is not Daphne, she will nod willingly and point suggestively to her falsies smiling happily on the bedside tumbler. 'Guan yersel,' she says, 'jist dinnae bother me.'
DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, 'fcuk me, I've shoat ma load.' If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her that she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.
An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women like to be spoken dirty to, says such things as, 'sh!te, arsehole.' The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if she should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, 'Are you sure its in?' given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, 'Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man.' Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, wipes his dick on her nightie falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.0 -
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