bf cancelled our date because his ex is coming over to talk

maria34

thanks for advice.

Esoteric_

So, his ex, who he dumped right before seeing you, came over to his house, he cancelled on you to see her, and according to him, she still wants him.

You'd be a fool if you trusted him that nothing happened.

I don't have an issue with a boyfriend being friends with exes, but to cancel a date with his girlfriend to see a lady who apparently still wants him is completely out of line.

maria34

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EoghanIRL

maria34 wrote: »

he dumped her around the same time we met yes. i know im fool. dont know why he even told me.

i told him to choose losing me or meeting his sick (well seriously sick) ex, then he chose her and said he understands if i tell him to get lost.

he asked me many times during our conversation, what i will do decide before he met her. obviously to find out if i say no go feck off, then he will have another one on the go straight away.

You should tell him to get lost . It's clear that he has some feelings for her if he's going to meet with her . He should be focused on you not her .

maria34

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Esoteric_

It's sad that she's sick, truly it is. I don't wish illness on anybody.

But YOU should be his priority, not her.

You gave him an ultimatum (not something I generally agree with, but hey ho), and he chose her. Her. Not you.

He chose her. You know where his feelings lie.

maria34

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meeeeh

I don't know. He could just lie you that he has to work. I don't know how serious sickness is but I hope I wouldn't just send somebody who is in serious trouble away because of a date with someone else. It sounds hard but sometimes we give priority to people who are not the closest to us if they need us more. Or he could be just playing with you. If you like him then you should have serious conversation with him in person about the situation. If you are not that fussed about him then spare yourself the drama.

It's very hard to judge from what you wrote. For me it would very much depend on the seriousness of the illness. It's perfectly ok in my book to cancel date because of someone who has cancer but not because of some runny nose. I'm using extremes to make a point that it all depends on circumstances. In any case I'd ask him straight if he still has feelings for her. Just as a side note. People sometimes have nobody to turn to and maybe your bf is one of the few people she can talk to. There is too little info in your post to judge if he is being disrespectful to you or just decent towards another human being.

Edit: I didn't see the subsequent posts. I still stand by my opinion.

maria34

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strobe

maria34 wrote: »

yes that illness is really really serious, not a runny nose.

I dont mean this to sound harsh, but if that is the case I think you'd be extremely selfish and childish in holding this against him in any way.

If anything I'd think far far worse of someone that would turn away a seriously ill person who showed up on their doorstep for support because they wanted to keep a date with me.

Jesus... why would anyone want to be with someone that would contemplate doing something like that?

meeeeh

maria34 wrote: »

yes my bf is somebody like this alright. he has told me many times how ppl have turned to him. once a lady who was beaten up by her husband rang him when we were together and at first he didnt take her call. he explained me who and what and i told him to talk to her as that woman was abused in her marriage.

yes that illness is really really serious, not a runny nose.

I wouldn't do anything hasty then. But I think that people who help everybody can be just as hard to be with as cheaters. There is always another worthwhile cause around the corner and it can be very lonely in relationship with someone who helps everybody.

If I was given an ultimatum by someone I was seeing for two months, to choose them over someone with a terminal illness who asked for my help, I would have absolutely no problem in choosing the latter as it would indicate to me what kind of a person they may be.

Esoteric_

Deleted User wrote: »

If I was given an ultimatum by someone I was seeing for two months, to choose them over someone with a terminal illness who asked for my help, I would have absolutely no problem in choosing the latter as it would indicate to me what kind of a person they may be.

Not to disagree with your point at all (because we all have differing opinions, of course ), but the poster never said anything about the lady's illness being terminal. She just said 'serious.'

Esoteric_

Esoteric_ wrote: »

Not to disagree with your point at all (because we all have differing opinions, of course ), but the poster never said anything about the lady's illness being terminal. She just said 'serious.'

She mentions she doesn't have long left.

Esoteric_

Deleted User wrote: »

She mentions she doesn't have long left.

My apologies, I obviously missed that.

ash23

You said "she won't last long" so im taking it to mean her illness is terminal. If so then of course he is going to meet her. What sort of person would he be if she called him for help and he turned her away so he could go on a date?

maria34

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You're going out with a guy eight weeks and have already asked him can ye take a break. That's madness. I'm sorry to say it OP but you sound quite high maintenance and if he is the type of person who helps a lot of people perhaps you are not suited to one and other and maybe someone who will devote all their attention to just you would make a better partner for you.

Edit: apologies, I know I'm making a big assumption based on little info, it's just how it appears from your posts

meeeeh

That is why nuns make good charity workers. There si no family to neglect. I don't know how often your bf does this but the problem with those situations, if they happen too often, is that you can't even complain because you are "selfish bitch" then. It's a fine balance though because I wouldn't think much of somebody who would tell to a person that really needs them to call over in three days when there is opening in their calendar.

djimi

The guy wants to meet up with a former girlfriend who is seriously, and possibly terminally, ill; Im sorry but I have no idea where your issue lies here? Its not exactly like he is lying and meeting up with an old flame behind your back; its a pretty exceptional circumstance. To be honest, if I was in his shoes and I thought my gf was denying such a request, it would be me who would be asking should the relationship continue.

December2012

My 2c.

You're going out two months, so you should not be his priority. You are in a special position, but the rest of his personal life does not stop just because he started going out with you.

If a person calls and asks to talk about something serious, I think it's up to him to decide if he's going to talk to the person or not. For me, this would be okay whether or not the person was an old friend, an ex, a colleague or whomever. You talk every day and you're upset over this one time? I think you're too demanding.

You then find out that this person is an ex who has (I assume) cancer, and you're still upset with your boyfriend.

He did tell you the truth, presumably because he had nothing to hide and did nothing wrong. Yet you are still upset at him.

You're not coming across in a very mature light.

If you were already considering breaking up with him (contradicting the "seriousness" you assume your two month relationship should be), then maybe you should follow through with that and get off this guys case.

michellie

Am I the only one who finds it strange that a girl with a terminal illness would be running around after a fella she was with for only a few weeks instead of spending time with her family or someone who didn't just dump her while she was sick ?

maria34

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Typer Monkey

Just to offer another POV, my ex told me that his ex had a very serious illness to explain his continued contact with her as he knew no one could possibly have a problem with him supporting a girl who was very sick and needed help and support. The reality was that she wasn't sick, he was still seeing her and his lie covered any phone contact I may see.

I'm not saying that your boyfriend is as sociopathic as my ex but just throwing it out there

Meauldsegosha

maria34 wrote: »

Yes michellie, thats my point too. We were friends with him before so i know it wasnt longer than that and he told me loads of stuff about their "relationship". She never ever had a bf before..

So are the three of you all friends then? If she is a friend of yours, would you not know if she was sick?

maria34

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Meauldsegosha

maria34 wrote: »

No no i dont know her and never met her.

But you said "we were friends with him before so I know it wasn't longer".

Who was friends with who? If she has been friends with him a long time and they also had a romantic relationship, I don't see the problem with him talking to her if she is sick.

December2012

Point is you can't judge him by what the ex does.

But if you're not into it, and you don't sound like you are, then end it for the real reason.

maria34

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

But you said "we were friends with him before so I know it wasn't longer".

Who was friends with who? If she has been friends with him a long time and they also had a romantic relationship, I don't see the problem with him talking to her if she is sick.

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Meauldsegosha

maria34 wrote: »

No i was friends with him. She doesnt live even near us so no they were not friends, they started to date straight away without being friends.

It seems very strange then. Some men like to play the hero role which he seems to be doing here. You have been dating him two months if you aren't happy with the situation finish now.

ash23

Maybe it ended amicably. I'm still friends with my ex and we catch up now and then. I've a couple of exs on facebook and I'm in limited contact but they would all have contacted me when I was diagnosed with a serious illness just seeing how I was.

I happen to have good friends and family that I could turn to when I needed them. But some people don't. Anyway, it's just one meetup, one conversation. It's actually really difficult to open up to your family when you're ill, about your own worries and fears. Because they are also worried and afraid you tend to end up trying to reassure them. Maybe she just wants to meet up with someone who is a good listener but not overly invested in the situation. Someone she can be honest with and not have to hold back with.

It might seem strange but I'd imagine that nobody can predict what they would do or who they would want to talk to until they are actually in that situation themselves.

ibarelycare

This all sounds a bit fishy to me tbh. Why wouldn't he just return your phonecall or even text you to tell you why he couldn't meet you, instead of waiting until late that night to call? He hasn't told the ex anything about you, why?

Whether or not the story about the ex is true, it sounds to me like he's trying to get rid of you, without having to do the dumping himself. He said it's fine if you tell him to get lost, so he doesn't seem that bothered.

Either way, you do come across as needy and low in confidence, and I think it's something you need to work on.

ShaShaBear

..... Are you sure he actually broke up with her when he started seeing you?

Few points here -

How do people know that she hasn't also gone to her family? Sometimes we need other people to talk to, especially outside of the family, when it comes to serious things. Everybody does it. It can be much easier to talk to these people rather than our family. You don't know her family situation either; it could be a toxic environment.

I have to echo what whoopsie said here, OP. You kinda messed up a little. You knew the girl was terminal, you knew the guy was the sort of one that would go out on a limb for somebody, and yet you still gave him an ultimatum. If you did that to me, especially after only two months, I'm sorry, but I'd show you the door.

Boofle

sunflower27 wrote: »

I was just about to say the same thing.

Girl mad about guy, guy not interested; girl finds out she has terminal illness and contacts guy. Whoah! Sounds incredibly odd.

If I found out I had a terminal illness, I can tell you now the last person I would be thinking about is a guy that told me he did not want a relationship with me.

And also, if he is that quick to say 'I understand if you want to tell me to get lost' then he doesn't sound overly bothered with you, OP. I'msorry, but he isn't begging you to hang in there, is he?

You come across as needy, and lonely and I think that is the real issue here.

It is OK to feel lonely, we all do at times, but it sounds to me like you need to work on that, fill your own life with things and not be depending on some guy to make you happy.

That is not going to be an easy feat, but until you do, I think you are going to feel anxious and needy - and that is never a good look on any woman.

I always recommend this book, but get it and read it: Women who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.

I think it would help you a lot. Take care xx

Excellent post; I couldn't agree more!

LittleBook

maria34 wrote: »

im a really trusting person

Maria, I assume this is a different guy to the one you posted about a few months ago? The one who said he fancied you one minute but just wanted to be friends the next?

Frankly, I don't know what's going on in this current situation but the common denominator between this thread and your last thread is you.

To answer your question "what should I do?" ... maybe you need to take some time away from men and take care of yourself for a while. It could be that you are TOO trusting, you do seem to throw yourself headlong into relationships after a short time. Maybe you're putting too much pressure on too early.

I think you should let this guy go and do whatever the hell it is he needs to do and take some time, a few months, to think about what you want and need before you embark on another relationship.

maria34

ShaShaBear wrote: »

..... Are you sure he actually broke up with her when he started seeing you?

.

If someone turns up outside his house, do you really think he's going to turn them away because it's messy? I'm sure if you actually pushed it, he would have arranged something. You only asked him once, did you try asking him again?

maria34

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Meauldsegosha

maria34 wrote: »

I have asked him few times but he always came to mine for some reason or another.

And these both days she stayed from lunchtime till midnight at least (maybe overnights dont know didnt ask) problably so much to talk about.

I have been thinking to ask him to take a break so thats what i will suggest. All the good happy feeling is gone from my side anyway.

Well there are obviously other issues in your relationship if you are thinking of taking a break after two months. Why don't you take a complete break and finish with him. The beginning of a relationship should be happy, fun and carefree. Yours just seems to be a lot of hassle.

How do you know how long she was there or both days?

maria34

[Deleted User] wrote: »

How do you know how long she was there or

maria34

maria34 wrote: »

He told me that himself.

Have you been in constant contact with him since the he first told you about the ex? Are you texting him/calling him a lot?

maria34

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Have you been in constant contact with him since the he first told you about the ex? Are you texting him/calling him a lot?

U mean since she was over? Yes after that he rang me. We werent in contact while she was there. No texts no ph calls.

ibarelycare

Taking a break is silly after 2 months. If you're not happy just break up with him altogether.

maria34

Yes breaking up definitely now as i found out she spend all that free day with him and all night too as i found out (somebody told me) and he didnt reply my text about how it was going. Thanks guys!

CaraMay

Don't even bother having a chat with him. Just walk away and don't look back.

maria34

CaraMay wrote: »

Don't even bother having a chat with him. Just walk away and don't look back.

Yeap thats even better idea. I understand all the friend helping a friend when she has hard time, but comforting that long and letting other person to worry is out of order.