Will I ever accept being gay?

LegacyUser

Hey,

Just wanted to chime in and say that my older brother is also gay, he came out first, and we are my parents only children so I can understand some of what you're going through there. It's a little different because I've never heard my parents say anything about wanting grandkids, but I did feel like I was trapped in his shadow. I felt he had made things even harder for me because I wouldn't just be telling them that I was gay anymore, I'd be telling them that both of their sons are gay, which felt like a lot of extra pressure.

That made it harder to accept myself for a time but I eventually realised that my happiness had to come before anyones elses expectations, and my parents of all people would want to see me happy. So I bit the bullet and told them just after I graduated college. They responded by saying "That's ok, we're glad you felt you could tell us". Life has gone on as normal since and they've been very welcoming to my boyfriend, treating him as part of family since day one.

You don't owe your parents grandkids, you owe it to yourself to be happy.

Pai Mei

Not to sound blunt but "it was not meant to be" is just a way for you to put this whole "being gay" thing out of your mind again. All members on boards are here to give you advice but ultimately it is up to you. Things will "pan out" the way you decide to let them pan out and continued denial is only going to make it worse for you in the future.

Annasopra

willblackberry wrote: »

I have being getting a lot of hassle off an admin on this site because I posted here when I was younger and I didn't really take the advice back then. I explained that I wanted to start a fresh with this new account and be open and give being gay and getting a bit of advice a really go at this time. It looks like it was not meant to be and I don't know how things will pan out for me.
I would like to thank all the people who did give advice tough and that trued there best.

Apologies folks

The OP is a rereg

normal lad

mango salsa wrote: »

Apologies folks

The OP is a rereg

The guy was only looking for advice why had he to close his account? From his opening post is was obv he is going through a tough time....why didn't u let him get a bit of help instead of taking out the black book...


p.s. don't ban me

Annasopra

normal lad wrote: »

The guy was only looking for advice why had he to close his account? From his opening post is was obv he is going through a tough time....why didn't u let him get a bit of help instead of taking out the black book...


p.s. don't ban me

Sorry moderation is never discussed on thread. He closed the account himself. I can't answer any further questions on this.

jaydoxx

For anyone looking for a very casual gay bar, and I'm not being paid to say this btw but the Pantibar, although run by the most fabulous drag queen in the country is always very low key as far as clientele. And they have a pool table, the measure of a good bar as far as I'm concerned haha

Unsurewhattodo

Hi Will, I know you've closed your account but perhaps you're still checking this thread. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. You remind me of a friend of mine only he's mid-30s.

He first experimented at 19, came out to friends and siblings, kissed a number of guys, had a short relationship and then explained it away as drug induced experimentation. Only dated girls for a few years.

Then mid-20s he decided as the urges had not gone away to explore things more fully. Sought out a gay flatmate, began dating a friend of his, they were together for two/three years, came out again, brought the boyfriend home to meet the parents as a "friend", met his boyfriends parents & siblings, put him through emotional hell, dumped him, and identified as bisexual with a preference for women. Only dated women for a few years.

Now he's broken up with his girlfriend of a few years and is identifying as gay for the third time. Once again he's told his friends and family and is dating men. Hopefully, he's closer to accepting himself this time.

At 19 he worried about acceptance from friends but they're all still there fifteen years later. At 25 he worried about his parents but although he's never had an open conversation with them about it (they'd be very respectful of privacy and wouldn't bring it up) his dad did pull him aside at the time of his boyfriend's visit and tell him that they loved him and were proud of him regardless of anything (he knew he meant his sexuality though not actually mentioned).

So why is he 34 and still struggling? Well he says it's telling his parents, he says it's telling people from work (I work with him, genuinely no one would be negative, if anything very supportive) ... I think the most difficult thing is to accept yourself. He still hasn't fully done so. He's known since his teens that he likes men, he has acknowledged numerous times over the years that he doesn't really find women attractive at all (and has to imagine men when having sex with a woman), his friends support him, his family supports him ... But he doesn't want to be gay. Unfortunately, he's caused tremendous hurt to the men and women who've loved him over the years. Most particularly his recent girlfriend who's also mid-30s and had no idea!

Maybe being gay wasn't what you'd imagined for yourself. Maybe it's not how you'd ideally view your future. Maybe the stereotypes associated with it are not how you see yourself. Forget about parents, friends etc.. that's the easy stuff ... if they love you then they'll just want to see you happy. BUT start to open your mind a bit. You sound like a lovely person. There is absolutely nothing wrong with who or how you are. You can have a wonderful, happy future that you'll be proud of or you can make yourself and others miserable living a lie.

lyinghere

Hey, pity your account is closed it may have been handy to have some contact with some of the lads on here wihout having to always post publicly. I know having communication with what was at the time of my coming out relative randomers encouraging me via boards was a help. Now I consider these randomers friends and we go for beers and communicate via facebook like I do with my straight friends. I no longer need a gaydar account to chat to gay lads in same situation and don't need to associate with the many sleazebags only after one thing on there. What I'm trying to say is that I also used to find the idea of being gay being very weird but little things like having normal communication with a fairly normal bunch of lads in the same situation was and is a major help.

You say you are looking for a straight acting kind of gay bar, have you considered going along to the next meet organised on here, you will meet gay lads in a straight environment which may make it seem less intimidating, if you feel comfortable join them heading to gay bar after. The time you went with your mates you were not able to maybe wander around and see what other sort of people were about you were right down in the thick of it by the sounds of things!

Some of the people I have came out to made the exact same derogatory remarks that you say you hear constantly and they definitely did not care once I told them, things won't change that much so consider at least talking to one of them. One of the lads I recently told had not so long ago made some very derogatory remarks but once he knew he was very supportive, he just didn't realise he we was making fun of his mate, I've helped change his attitute to gay people. As I'm not completely out and supposedly very straight acting I still hear the derogatory remarks, it used to ruin my day but now that I've sort of come to terms with everything I dont really care too much.

It's a tricky situation with your brother but it can't be changed. I know you don't get on great but is there any way you can try talk about this with him, it would lighten the load on your mind, just a suggestion.

I think you have got loads of good advise already but I just wanted to add my support , in its simplest terms for my situation which I feel is quiet similar to yours only that I dwelled on it for an extra 3 years , I had to ask myself can I see this predicament changing in time and realised its not going to change so I may as well get on with it, its much easier said than done I understand but I hope you consider tackling this one anyhow. you mentioned you thought you were going to do it after Christmas only for your brother - I reckon you can get back to that with support . Then you can get on with life as normal. I also hope you can maybe get back on here with a new account or something to let us know how your getting on.