Why do men tend to be submissive in relationships?

Gin77

Gin77 wrote: »

A womans tear is worse than a thousand lashes.

I know its bad quoting yourself but being a dominant man myself and married to a submissive (at times) woman. Sometimes I can only throw my weight around to a point before I get a tear and then I'm the worst in the world and feel really bad.
So after 4 years of marriage 2 daughters I have learned to pick my battles carefully. I check with my wife about stuff as I never remember what plans she's told me about, as I'm so self absorbed. I still make all the big decisions and just can't be arsed about the little things.
My friends are the opposite whipped I would say, as they are genuinely afraid of their partners. But everybody's different.

mariaalice

I think an intelligent man will take the stance my husband has which is ( meant humorously by the way )




He says to me...I let you think you make all the decisions ....

OnTheCouch

mariaalice wrote: »

I think an intelligent man will take the stance my husband has which is ( meant humours by the way )




He says to me...I let you think you make all the decisions ....

I've heard this line be used by both men and women as it happens. Does this imply the power struggle is mainly in people's head?

mariaalice

We have a very even Steven relationship, I am very easy going and relaxed, he is very organised gives a lot of thought to decision, and very is thorough, so we balance each other which is good.

I think SOME men are happier to let women make a lot of decision for them because of a its is easier, they are bit lazy, they come from a back ground where their parents marriage was like that, some men are insightfully about them selves and provided they are not nagged are happy with the relationship.
I have heard men say I am my better self in a relationship.

The Corinthian

mariaalice wrote: »

He says to me...I let you think you make all the decisions ....

Reminds me of an old quote (can't remember by whom) that went; "diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have your own way".

mariaalice wrote: »

I think SOME men are happier to let women make a lot of decision for them because of a its is easier, they are bit lazy, they come from a back ground where their parents marriage was like that, some men are insightfully about them selves and provided they are not nagged are happy with the relationship.

I think that's unfair, also because you presume that men and women have the same priorities, that we want to make decisions on the same thing as women.

We defer the decision to what exact shade of off-white paint should be used for the kitchen, not because we're lazy but because we don't care.

It's like when you visit married friends for the first time; more often than not you have to endure the ritual of being shown around the house. It's rarely the 'man of the house' who pushes for this - in reality he just wants to do a beeline to the garage with his male counterpart to crack open a beer instead.

When we actually give a monkey's about something, you can be sure we'll be vocal in the decision making process.

um7y1h83ge06nx

I echo what a lot of the lads said, sometimes we just don't care, hence why some men sometimes appear submissive.

Taking a few examples from my own side of the fence:

* One weekend I was planning on heading to Dublin to meet up with a few friends and go on the beer. The GF wanted to come too and I steadfastly refused. The reason? She's not a big party animal so I knew a time would come in the night where she would be wanting to go home while I would like to stay out, forcing me to choose between her or the lads. In order to avoid an argument I stuck to my guns and explained my reasoning. She still didn't like it and was a bit p*ssed off, but I believe I avoided a worse situation.

* Loads of things just pass completely over my head though, I just have zero interest. At the moment we are trying to organise a series of framed photographs (8 or so of varying sizes and orientation) leading up the wall next to the stairs. I'm not too bothered about the positioning of the various frames at all and have to feign interest. On the other hand I'm much more interested in the photos used as most of them will probably be mine (agreed by both of us).

Being submissive in the true sense of the word in a relationship is bad though. I made that mistake in a previous relationship. It caused me to be unhappy, probably affected my self-esteem and caused my then girlfriend to lose respect for me. All in all, a bad situation.

mariaalice

The Corinthian dose have a point, however what about the not uncommon situations of men who are willing to do half the work involved in a relationship/ruining a home but will not take half the responsibility for the relationship/ruining a home.

For example men who let the woman take/make all the financial decisions, make all the decisions about the children/child care/education basically every thing to do with ruining the home, and are happy so long as they are given " pocket money" to go to the pub to meet the lads on Saturday night, they get away with by avoidance or by saying their partner is better at that sort of thing!!!
Or a man who said to me I would be a fat lazy B***** if I was on my own, she wont let me away with it, now he was happy to say that to woman but not to his male friends.

The Corinthian

mariaalice wrote: »

The Corinthian dose have a point, however what about the not uncommon situations of men who are willing to do half the work involved in a relationship/ruining a home but will not take half the responsibility for the relationship/ruining a home.

Totally agree; but only in certain circumstances.

To begin with, both genders seem to suffer from a certain level of 'cake-and-eat-it' approach to equality; some women want to be treated as equals where it comes to the work place, but will look for a male workmate to carry anything that weights more than a few kilos. Similarly, some men will expect rent to be paid 50-50, but still leave the bulk of the housework to the woman.

However, mariaalice, one thing that you're doing is repeatedly presuming that what is important to a woman in a relationship must be just as important to her man.

As per my earlier example, if a woman feels that the bathroom must be cleaned top to bottom every day and the man feels that once a week is sufficient and acts accordingly, does that mean he's lazy?

From her perspective yes, as he's not doing his share of the work, but in reality he's not doing his share of the work according to her standards and expectations. If a woman feels she should be the one to decide what those standard should be, then she's as guilty as the man who abdicates responsibility for it.

So he might be lazy. He might be just happy to abdicate responsibility. He might just want to have his 'cake-and-eat-it' in terms of gender roles. However, there are more reasons for why something may look like that on the surface.

iusedtoknow

Interesting topic.

We have a pretty even relationship to be honest. I love live music, my wife is not really that bothered but when I suggest going to a show, she always says yes and ends up enjoying it. I am the same with movies- i usually am happy enough to wait until it's on itunes, but if she really wants to see a film on the big screen (star trek for instance) I have no problem going.

The bigger things though, one of us leads, basically depending on how much of **** we give. Money rarely if ever comes into it. It is our money, not hers or mine. If i don't give a crap about something, but she does - she will take the initiative and come with a few suggestions, the one that is least worst to me (frames for instance) is usually the one that we go with.

I am never one for "happy wife, happy life" thinking - that leads to resentment, and I would be horrified if she thought "quiet husband, happy husband". I care about things, we have our own lives (within reason obviously) and certainly have our own opinions on things. We make the major decisions together (money, life plans etc) but when it comes to other things, it is usually decisions taken with the other person in mind.

OnTheCouch

Finnegan Lazy Jell-o wrote: »

I echo what a lot of the lads said, sometimes we just don't care, hence why some men sometimes appear submissive.

Taking a few examples from my own side of the fence:

* One weekend I was planning on heading to Dublin to meet up with a few friends and go on the beer. The GF wanted to come too and I steadfastly refused. The reason? She's not a big party animal so I knew a time would come in the night where she would be wanting to go home while I would like to stay out, forcing me to choose between her or the lads. In order to avoid an argument I stuck to my guns and explained my reasoning. She still didn't like it and was a bit p*ssed off, but I believe I avoided a worse situation.

I believe you made an excellent decision here, even though on the face of it, one could read hastily read the example and come to the conclusion that you were being a bit of a dick. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I start to think that boyfriends attempting to kill two birds with one stone leads to exactly the situation that I mentioned in my opening post, where the woman getting a little moody leads to a quick embarrassing exit.

It's easy to see how it happens, the boyfriend wants to spend quality time with his friends (and with men in this part of the world this more often than not means going for a few beers). But the girlfriend understandably doesn't want to be left out of a big social event and asks to come along. Now here comes the difficult part. Do you, as a man, decline (like in your example) and risk alienating your partner, plus leave her at home while you go out, which for some couples is a real no-no? Or on the other hand, do you gladly agree to her coming, only to turn up to find the lads drinking like fishes. You see them getting more and more drunk, the banter is flowing as much as the alcohol, a rounds system is in place and your girlfriend can't decide between ordering a Coke or judging whether the design on the menu should be changed to something more modern. So the poor boyfriend is stuck between a rock and a hard place, he doesn't want to alienate his lady but at the same time she can probably sense (women being generally very intuitive) he'd like to be participating in the banter and hard drinking, which can then make her feel uncomfortable and (such as in Finnegan Lazy Jell-o's example when she is not much of a party animal anyway) she then may want to leave early, which can lead to the awkward atmosphere that Legs.Eleven touched on earlier in the thread.

This is not to say that women in couples are to be dissuaded from going to the pub at all, far from it, but in my experience the dynamic is far better when there are a few couples there, like in a wedding environment. This way, the atmosphere will be considerably less 'laddish' and both the man and woman will feel more at ease. It is also the reason why there is a willingness from both the man and the woman to go out on single-sex nights from time to time. I just feel the one couple/many men group can often be tricky, even though clearly no one is being rude or in any way condescending to the single or couple of females present. The reverse may also be true, but I for many reasons (e.g. I feel I'd be in the way) have never really experienced this, so I will have to rely on other people's testimonies!

Although I will say, also from personal experience, that women in long-term relationships generally show less of a tendency to go out 'hard boozing' in the same way that men do (or would like to if they are not being kept under the thumb by their partner:D) No, in all seriousness, I find girls you happen to meet on a night out tend to be single - not always, but usually. Whereas men, especially those who don't drop their friends after starting a relationship, still like to go out and drink quite a bit, even if they are perfectly happy with their girlfriend. Taken girls seem to socialise more during the day from what I can make out.

So yes, I think ultimately you avoided a worse situation by telling her no, even though she may not have been too happy with you initially.

OnTheCouch

The Corinthian wrote: »

We defer the decision to what exact shade of off-white paint should be used for the kitchen, not because we're lazy but because we don't care.

It's like when you visit married friends for the first time; more often than not you have to endure the ritual of being shown around the house. It's rarely the 'man of the house' who pushes for this - in reality he just wants to do a beeline to the garage with his male counterpart to crack open a beer instead.

When we actually give a monkey's about something, you can be sure we'll be vocal in the decision making process.

I would also agree with this, even as someone who is quite interested in fashion/appearance, I would not really be that bothered at which precise shades are chosen for walls and so on, so would automatically let her choose. Unless she had terrible taste, but that's somewhat irrelevant here and has luckily never happened to me yet!

As The Corinthian says, I find men will be quite vocal about things they truly care about, even to the point of being extremely stubborn if they don't get their way.

Legs.Eleven

OnTheCouch wrote: »

I believe you made an excellent decision here, even though on the face of it, one could read hastily read the example and come to the conclusion that you were being a bit of a dick. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I start to think that boyfriends attempting to kill two birds with one stone leads to exactly the situation that I mentioned in my opening post, where the woman getting a little moody leads to a quick embarrassing exit.

It's easy to see how it happens, the boyfriend wants to spend quality time with his friends (and with men in this part of the world this more often than not means going for a few beers). But the girlfriend understandably doesn't want to be left out of a big social event and asks to come along. Now here comes the difficult part. Do you, as a man, decline (like in your example) and risk alienating your partner, plus leave her at home while you go out, which for some couples is a real no-no? Or on the other hand, do you gladly agree to her coming, only to turn up to find the lads drinking like fishes. You see them getting more and more drunk, the banter is flowing as much as the alcohol, a rounds system is in place and your girlfriend can't decide between ordering a Coke or judging whether the decor on the menu should be changed to something more modern. So the poor boyfriend is stuck between a rock and a hard place, he doesn't want to alienate his lady but at the same time she can probably sense (women being generally very intuitive) he'd like to be participating in the banter and hard drinking, which can then make her feel uncomfortable and (such as in Super_Sonic's example when she is not much of a party animal anyway) she then may want to leave early, which can lead to the awkward atmosphere that Legs.Eleven touched on earlier in the thread.

This is not to say that women in couples are to be dissuaded from going to the pub at all, far from it, but in my experience the dynamic is far better when there are a few couples there, like in a wedding environment. This way, the atmosphere will be considerably less 'laddish' and both the man and woman will feel more at ease. It is also the reason why there is a willingness from both the man and the woman to go out on single-sex nights from time to time. I just feel the one couple/many men group can often be tricky, even though clearly no one is being rude or in any way condescending to the single or couple of females present. The reverse may also be true, but I for many reasons (e.g. I feel I'd be in the way) have never really experienced this, so I will have to rely on other people's testimonies!

Although I will say, also from personal experience, that women in long-term relationships generally show less of a tendency to go out 'hard boozing' in the same way that men do (or would like to if they are not being kept under the thumb by their partner:D) No, in all seriousness, I find girls you happen to meet on a night out tend to be single - not always, but usually. Whereas men, especially those who don't drop their friends after starting a relationship, still like to go out and drink quite a bit, even if they are perfectly happy with their girlfriend. Taken girls seem to socialise more during the day from what I can make out.

So yes, I think ultimately you avoided a worse situation by telling her no, even though she may not have been too happy with you initially.

Obviously it depends on the woman in question and it'd have to depend on whether she's a socialiser or not. Even though I'm in a relationship, I'd party till the last hour with the rest of them.

clairefontaine

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

Obviously it depends on the woman in question and it'd have to depend on whether she's a socialiser or not. Even though I'm in a relationship, I'd party till the last hour with the rest of them.

Or if one party gets tired go home. You don't have to do EVERYTHING together.

Legs.Eleven

clairefontaine wrote: »

Or if one party gets tired go home. You don't have to do EVERYTHING together.

And that too!! Exactly!!

tupac_healy

Lelantos wrote: »

Its called: Wanting a quiet life

I was going to post this word for word! Herself makes the decisions about the house, holidays, restaurants all that sort of thing...


Basically the things I have little interest in starting an argument over!!!

OnTheCouch

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

Obviously it depends on the woman in question and it'd have to depend on whether she's a socialiser or not. Even though I'm in a relationship, I'd party till the last hour with the rest of them.

Fair play to you for doing so and this is the way it should be. However, I will still contend that you, as a woman in a steady relationship, would be in a minority doing the above. Maybe not a small minority, but a minority all the same.

clairefontaine wrote: »

Or if one party gets tired go home. You don't have to do EVERYTHING together.

Agree with you, but you would be shocked just how many couples who, other than for work purposes, essentially are together the whole time. It genuinely amazes me how they don't have the urge to strangle the other, because in public at least, they do seem to be joined at the hip.

I will add that this extreme togetherness in couples seems to be a lot more prevalent in England than Ireland for whatever reason. One of my friends from over there for instance, since the day before his wedding over eight years ago now, has not spent a night away from his wife. Now you could argue that this is very romantic on his part and/or she may have serious insecurity issues, but to me it would seem overly suffocating. One particular incident that would have been quite amusing had it not been extremely dangerous, was when severe snowfall one morning stopped all the trains from running. This meant that my friend was stranded at his place of work and looked like he would have to either get a hotel in the vicinity for the night or, (much more likely), stay at his parents' house which was just down the road. But no, the wife, ignoring all warnings not to drive unless it was ABSOLUTELY necessary, (the snow had fallen very quickly) took the car and went on the 90 minute round trip to pick him up. We were all flabbergasted. But on the other hand, they both seem very happy together so maybe this pays off for them.

I certainly don't think it would work for me, I would be very much of the 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' school of thought and certainly need a good bit of my own space in a relationship. Mind you, different strokes for different folks and all that, so if both parties are willing to be that close all the time and still remain in love, well who can begrudge them.

Meangadh

tupac_healy wrote: »

I was going to post this word for word! Herself makes the decisions about the house, holidays, restaurants all that sort of thing...


Basically the things I have little interest in starting an argument over!!!

I do understand that to a point in that these aren't life or death decisions, but it is nice to feel that your partner/husband/boyfriend has helped in some way. Otherwise it can feel like the woman is on her own and just dragging the man along. It can feel quite lonely to always be the one who makes the decisions, even if they are only little ones.

There's wanting a quiet life and there's avoiding dealing with things purely because it's easier. If both parties took that stance, a couple would never go anywhere.

Rev Hellfire

Meangadh wrote: »

If both parties took that stance, a couple would never go anywhere.

Both parties typically do take that stance. They have at times different priorities and each accommodates the other.

The Corinthian

Meangadh wrote: »

I do understand that to a point in that these aren't life or death decisions, but it is nice to feel that your partner/husband/boyfriend has helped in some way.

You're presuming that both will generally have simelar opinions - otherwise it won't feel like your partner/husband/boyfriend has helped in some way, but that they're forever objecting and otherwise blocking yours.

Consider that out of all the decisions, both parties will feel strongly enough with about 10% of them to want their say and with 3% they're going to have differing opinions. Now imagine that 10% becomes 100% - what do you think happens to that 3% disagreement? Feel nice?

And you're also presuming your partner/husband/boyfriend has the same priorities as you. Are you going to be as involved in whether you install an 802.11 n comparable router in the home, or maybe just stick with the older 802.11 g model? Or what sports channel cable package should be signed up to? Which power drill should you buy for work around the home? What graphics card should you buy?

Do you feel strongly about all of these things? Or is it that only men should have to prioritize the things that women prioritize?

Otherwise it can feel like the woman is on her own and just dragging the man along. It can feel quite lonely to always be the one who makes the decisions, even if they are only little ones.

That says more about the woman's insecurities than anything about the man or the relationship, TBH.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0SVG6SgirE

There's wanting a quiet life and there's avoiding dealing with things purely because it's easier. If both parties took that stance, a couple would never go anywhere.

As Rev Hellfire pointed out, it's not black and white, as men generally will make their views known when it's something that they do consider important or a priority, just as women will. Just because both are not involved in every decision together, doesn't imply both are not involved in any decision together.

Legs.Eleven

OnTheCouch wrote: »

Fair play to you for doing so and this is the way it should be. However, I will still contend that you, as a woman in a steady relationship, would be in a minority doing the above. Maybe not a small minority, but a minority all the same.

I think it's different in Ireland though. In my experience, women in Ireland will be out socialising regardless of whether they're with someone or not(when they have kids it's different, obviously). I've seen the "I want to go home early" girlfriends among Maltese, Italian, Spanish and American women (among others) who wouldn't be big pub-goers and drinkers but not Irish women!! Even at their own weddings I've seen Irish women sit up for most of the night with the guests continuing the party.

Edit: As an Irish woman with a Spaniard, he'd be the one wanting to go home at a reasonable-ish hour. It could be his age as well now in fairness but he doesn't have the desire to stay out as late as I do.

tupac_healy

Meangadh wrote: »

I do understand that to a point in that these aren't life or death decisions, but it is nice to feel that your partner/husband/boyfriend has helped in some way. Otherwise it can feel like the woman is on her own and just dragging the man along. It can feel quite lonely to always be the one who makes the decisions, even if they are only little ones.

There's wanting a quiet life and there's avoiding dealing with things purely because it's easier. If both parties took that stance, a couple would never go anywhere.

Ah yes, but your overlooking the 'great idea babe, lets do that!' standard response to suggestions

Meangadh

Why does that say more about the woman's insecurities? I absolutely understand and accept all the other stuff you say- especially the bit about people's priorities (which by the way I don't think is even simply a man/woman thing, I'd certainly have different priorities than a lot of my other female friends that would probably be more in line with my male friends!). They don't have to be all the same (in fact it'd be weird if they were).

But wanting your partner's support in the things that are important to you does not show insecurity. I would have thought support was one of the most basic things in a relationship. Sure, some of the things might be a bit trivial, but if it's important to the happiness of one person in the relationship then I think the other person owes it to them to row in on it. I'm not saying that men have to be super enthusiastic or anything, just supportive enough to express an interest.

Obviously the most important thing is that the bigger decisions are made together, and if that's happening in a relationship chances are things will be ok. I just think it's nice when people (both men and women) support their partners in the small things too. Maybe men just think that by letting the women have their way (even if they don't care either way anyway) that this is showing support, I don't know!

The Corinthian

Meangadh wrote: »

Why does that say more about the woman's insecurities?

Because if you start jumping to negative conclusions - feeling like you're on your own and just dragging your man along - when there are clearly more reasonable explanations, that even you admit you can rationally see, then that's because you're insecure in the relationship.

I absolutely understand and accept all the other stuff you say- especially the bit about people's priorities (which by the way I don't think is even simply a man/woman thing, I'd certainly have different priorities than a lot of my other female friends that would probably be more in line with my male friends!). They don't have to be all the same (in fact it'd be weird if they were).

No one thinks it's a man-woman thing - men and women may tend to have different priorities, but ultimately it's a person-person thing. We're all different.

But wanting your partner's support in the things that are important to you does not show insecurity.

When you feel on your own because they don't it's insecurity. Sure you might like or want it (I note you used the word 'want' rather than 'like', btw), but you can't expect to get everything you like or want in life.

When the tables are turned, I can tell you that women are just as capable of leaving us to make decisions all on our own too - but you don't hear us moping about how we 'feel like we're on our own' when we do.

I would have thought support was one of the most basic things in a relationship.

Sure it is, as is spending time together - but does that mean that you have to spend 24/7/365 together?

The point is what is reasonable in a relationship. If you start having issues with unreasonable, or as you called them "trivial", things then you have a problem, not them.

Maybe men just think that by letting the women have their way (even if they don't care either way anyway) that this is showing support, I don't know!

No, we just don't care. More accurately, we have no interest in the particular issue and are happy to let our other halves make the decision on it. They're they're grown-ups and more than capable to do so.

If they really need our input - they can't make a final decision or need a different set of eyes on it - then of course we'll chip in, but for us the idea that you have to, even if you have nothing practical to contribute and absolutely no interest is bizarre and a waste of time.

Honestly, if we don't care about a topic, would you prefer we fake interest long enough to allow you to make the same decision you'd have made without us?

If so, you're insecure.

Meangadh

The Corinthian wrote: »

Honestly, if we don't care about a topic, would you prefer we fake interest long enough to allow you to make the same decision you'd have made without us?

If so, you're insecure.

Fair enough. I'd probably just get to a point where I'd stop making the decisions then if it was always being left up to me. I'd find it too hard to always be the one doing things.

iusedtoknow

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

I think it's different in Ireland though. In my experience, women in Ireland will be out socialising regardless of whether they're with someone or not(when they have kids it's different, obviously). I've seen the "I want to go home early" girlfriends among Maltese, Italian, Spanish and American women (among others) who wouldn't be big pub-goers and drinkers but not Irish women!! Even at their own weddings I've seen Irish women sit up for most of the night with the guests continuing the party.

Edit: As an Irish woman with a Spaniard, he'd be the one wanting to go home at a reasonable-ish hour. It could be his age as well now in fairness but he doesn't have the desire to stay out as late as I do.

Ha! I'm married to a Spanish woman, and I am usually the one that wants to go home early-ish, especially when we are back in Barcelona as I can only do so many up till 6am dancing nights out (1 per week is enough for me, she can keep going thursday->saturday, though in fairness as we go back to visiti now, it is getting rarer).
I usually head back by 3am and let her finish up with our mates.

OnTheCouch

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

I think it's different in Ireland though. In my experience, women in Ireland will be out socialising regardless of whether they're with someone or not(when they have kids it's different, obviously). I've seen the "I want to go home early" girlfriends among Maltese, Italian, Spanish and American women (among others) who wouldn't be big pub-goers and drinkers but not Irish women!! Even at their own weddings I've seen Irish women sit up for most of the night with the guests continuing the party.

Edit: As an Irish woman with a Spaniard, he'd be the one wanting to go home at a reasonable-ish hour. It could be his age as well now in fairness but he doesn't have the desire to stay out as late as I do.

Perhaps. A lot of my experiences/friends are from outside of Ireland (especially England) so my view may be different from someone who has lived many years here.

clairefontaine

Meangadh wrote: »

Fair enough. I'd probably just get to a point where I'd stop making the decisions then if it was always being left up to me. I'd find it too hard to always be the one doing things.

I would too. I would get tired of being asked to make decisions for someone else or met with a wall of indifference. I'd feel like their mammy. No thanks.

This isn't gender specific though, I think lots of people would get fed up with it.

iptba

Meangadh wrote: »

I do understand that to a point in that these aren't life or death decisions, but it is nice to feel that your partner/husband/boyfriend has helped in some way. Otherwise it can feel like the woman is on her own and just dragging the man along. It can feel quite lonely to always be the one who makes the decisions, even if they are only little ones.

Thanks for sharing this. It is useful to get an insight into things like this.

Personally, I'm inclined to think there is something to the phrase "Men* are from Mars, women from from Venus" so am interested in hearing where women are coming from.

*heterosexual men.

Legs.Eleven

iusedtoknow wrote: »

Ha! I'm married to a Spanish woman, and I am usually the one that wants to go home early-ish, especially when we are back in Barcelona as I can only do so many up till 6am dancing nights out (1 per week is enough for me, she can keep going thursday->saturday, though in fairness as we go back to visiti now, it is getting rarer).
I usually head back by 3am and let her finish up with our mates.

Yeah in fairness, the Spanish wouldn't be great examples of women that want to go home early. They out-party me most of the time. ;-)

The Corinthian

clairefontaine wrote: »

I would get tired of being asked to make decisions for someone else or met with a wall of indifference. I'd feel like their mammy.

Might not come down to passivity or sloth on the part of your partner though, there's actually a far more common, I suspect, reason why this happens and why such behaviour may make some feel insecure about their relationship:

You have little or nothing in common.

It's actually amazing how many people are together like this. Maybe they get together because of superficial, sexual attraction. Maybe because they want to do the family thing. But beneath that there's nothing - take away those few commonalities and there's nothing they could even talk about.

Most curious example of this was with a business associate I knew in the nineties. Both he and his wife had alcohol problems and eventually they decided to tackle this and quit drinking.

While they were successful in dealing with the mutual alcoholism, they also discovered before long that going out and getting plastered together was the only thing they had in common.

So they split.