Why do men tend to be submissive in relationships?

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

A few observations:


- I have noticed the phenomenon you're talking about, OP, where the woman takes the lead but I've also noticed that the men are happy as pig in shyte to take that role generally speaking. The woman takes charge with all the organisational stuff and he just goes along with it. Personally I'd hate to be a woman like that or a fella like that but if they're happy....

- I've come across genuine naggy women in my life but again they've been enabled to carry on that way by the boyfriend remaining passive. Not justifying her behaviour but often with these kinds of relationships you're going to find a certain kind of man. It's up to you whether you want to remain in a relationship or not and obviously they do. Perhaps all the good stuff balances it out.

- I find men as they get older are happier than women to give up their friends and social life. That's why men are often more isolated and lacking friends as they get much older. I see it with my dad and my step-mam. She has a massive group of friends whereas he's got one or two good mates but is happy to spend most of time either with her or alone. My own boyfriend is the same. He's 10 years older than me (43) and since meeting me, he's become less social. I'm the one who has try and convince him to get off his hole (in the nicest possible way) and meet his friends or else he'll lose them.

I find often men use the woman as an excuse for not going out when it often comes down to them preferring to stay in themselves. I hate that. I hate the idea that a man portrays a woman as a nag and has him under his thumb because the stereotype about women exists so people believe it. Horrible way to portray your girlfriend when it isn't the case at all (this isn't my situation but an observation of other couples).

-I've noticed the phenomenon too of couples in a group where the girl gets stonky and wants to go home. I personally wouldn't take that from anyone and I can never understand why the man does. Uncomfortable for everyone involved including the friends.

- Overall though, most couples I know have the balance. I most definitely have that in my own and couldn't stand it any other way. I'm not the dominant type but I'm not a walk-over either and he'd be the very same. Most, if not all, of my friends are the same.

I do see the couples you're referring to, OP but I wouldn't presume they're not happy. As you said yourself, you've no idea what's going on between two people and we only get to see a fraction of their time together when they socialise and even then they're probably not being how they'd normally be. Women are all too often portrayed as nags in the media etc which I hate and it's often not justified in the slightest - people with no back bone pulling out the stereotypes. Many women often become that in a relationship and it's horrible to see but often men become passive and child-like in relationships allowing this to happen and letting the woman sort out his mess (metaphorically and literally) Whatever floats your boat, I suppose.


I will say though: don't take your friends' word for it when they say their girlfriend won't allow them to do something - often it's just an excuse.

Excellent post, thanks for your contributions Legs.Eleven. In many ways you actually articulated many of the points I wanted to make much better than I did myself, especially looking at the situation from a female perspective on how men act within a relationship. As a heterosexual man myself, this is something I'll never be fully privy to. I wouldn't say I agree with you 100 percent in everything you say, but you certainly provide many moments of clarity, where I found myself thinking 'Yes, that's exactly how I would have put it.'

I think from a young age, many men just feel it's much easier to let the woman organise everything for them, especially if they're fairly laid back anyway. The big problem is, as you mention, is that they retreat into a juvenile-like state once more and let the woman decide pretty much everything that is to do with the couple. I have even seen girlfriends ordering for their significant other in restaurants and when I say this I don't just mean order what the guy normally chooses, rather order what she thinks he should have. He reverts back to an infant-like state of mind and she acts out the role of his mother. As you say, I cannot really begin to see the attraction, but there you go.

The greater question I suppose in this case is why do such relationships last? I mean clearly the man doesn't mind this, but what about the woman? We all are led to believe that females are attracted to strong, masculine, independent, virile men, but someone in the above example would be the antithesis of this image. I suppose it goes to show you cannot rely on stereotypes, unless the woman herself is lacking in options, which is where the frustration may come from with the man being overly passive.

Your point about a couple leaving abruptly being stressful for the friends is also accurate. In these scenarios, there always seems to be a few minutes after the couple have departed where there is a clear tangible sense of 'was that down to us?' and everyone remains quieter than normal during this time.

However, what most resonated with me was how you said that men drop their friends when they get older and are in a relationship. With my female friends, within reason, if I give them enough notice, even the ones with children, will come out on a regular basis - usually dragging their husband/bf along with them. My male friends on the other hand (and bear in mind I am 31 so bit younger than your boyfriend), have for a good while now left it up to me to arrange all our social meet ups. In fairness, most of them don't decline when I offer, but when it is constantly you making all the running it can get a bit tiring/frustrating. This is especially pertinent when you decide not to contact anyone for once and woefully watch the minutes tick by knowing that an invitation for that night is not going to be forthcoming any time soon. One can observe a clear change in their thinking, where the other half not just comes ahead of the friends, but is essentially their only social outlet. Now I have mentioned that I worryingly enough have seen elements of this happening to me as well in relationships, so perhaps I am a little bit of a hypocrite, but it really shocks me how much these people change from the social animals they were in their early twenties. Like you, I also see this in my parents, my mother has a solid group of 20 or so friends whom she sees at least once a week, my father, although having quite a lot of friends, would only tend to see them every six months or a year.

There must be something biological behind it, ie when a man has a mate, all his attention and resources are focused towards her and the friends are left behind. One good friend in particular, he recently broke up with his girlfriend after a seven year relationship, where I hardly saw him at all during this time. Merely a few days later he was on to me about when we should meet up and so on. This leaves me very ambivalent, on the one hand I am glad to see him, but you start thinking, well am I just his Plan B?

I will try to remember what you said also about the girlfriend being used as an excuse! This is a shame, because it gives the girls a bad name, plus it leads others to think the man is being dominated in the relationship which may (as I see from many of the replies here) not actually be the case.