Shocking actions or romantic?

ford2600

All the situations op mentions are emotionally charged. IMHO this man is scared out of his wits and unable to deal with said situations in a normal mature manner.
If I'm laughing and joking people won't realise I'm so scared...
Have a serious chat. Expect lots of tears..

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for the replies!
With the mixture of views I'm still left confused but one thing I know for sure is I'm not comfortable with the behaviour, it's not my natural reaction so I really can't change that.

The weird thing is, the behaviour is so far from what he is like. He's soft spoken, quite shy and reserved. his friends and family have all commented that I've really brought him out of his shell. One minute we can be talking about the weather and the next he'll burst into song or twirl me around out on the street or start beeping his horn saying how happy he is, then almost instantly seems embarrassed by his actions and it's his remorse (along with the shock) that always really throws me and makes me uncomfortable. It's like a "tick" or something! Somebody mentioned the Tom Cruise moment, oh my god you've no idea how many times I've thought that that's exactly how he behaves sometimes!!

We were walking over O'Connell Bridge one day and saw a beggar, I was rooting in my bag for some change when I looked up to see him doubled over as if he'd just ran a marathon, I instantly thought he was having a heart attack but he was actually sobbing, saying I was amazing and that it wasn't fair that we were so happy and this man was homeless. Honestly, even the poor man begging was embarrassed.
I'm sure I sound very cruel here, I think it's great that he's so kind, I really do but breaking down and sobbing in a busy street just seems irrational to me.

However, another side to the coin. I was having trouble in work one day with my manager not doing the correct ground work for a project, which ended up making me look foolish to clients (not unheard of in my line of work and really not a huge deal) I was chatting to him saying oh I wanted the ground to swallow me up etc. He sent me a couple of texts throughout the day saying "how could she do that to you", "I can't stop thinking about how horrible you must have felt" etc. I made light of it and brushed it under the carpet but when he came over that evening I said how was your day and he said his entire day had been totally ruined when he learned I had been upset.

Later on I was making dinner and he was pacing around the kitchen ranting and raving about my boss banging his fists on my counter tops saying how could she then when I made it clear that it was a total over reaction (which it truly was) so then as if he'd had a light switch moment he started saying how I should give up work, we each should sell our homes and move away.

We were watching a film with a few friends and it was nice and quiet and relaxed until there was a reference to the main character cheating on his wife and he stood up and started shouting at the TV "Come on man don't do it, think about your wife and kids, it wont be worth it, ah come on!" etc, the friends we were visiting had kids in bed so he quickly got hushed and yet again it was laughed off and comments like oh at least you know he'll be faithful, but it did leave an really awkward atmosphere.

I wish I could give good descriptions of his day to day, placid, lovely, kind behaviour.
I do honestly think there is something underlining, I do really love him and his beliefs etc but now how unpredictable he can be when something goes against his moral code.

tigerblob

He sounds really unbalanced and unpredictable, OP, and it sounds like you just want a quiet life. Maybe you guys just aren't compatible.

m'lady

Op after reading your most recent post I have to say this.. I think if you do decide to end things between you both that you should tread carefully and I'd even go so far as saying have a friend with you..

This guy is unpredictable and you really don't know how he will react. I'm really not trying to scare you, but I would hate not to say it and something should happen. I agree with the above poster, there are compatibility issues amongst (many) other things.. Just play safe

dellas1979

Well, you see, every person is different. most of the things you described, I wouldnt bat an eyelid at. Sounds like he is being true to his feelings. Its an honest way to be. That is not to say you wouldnt find it uncomfortable. That said, if he was doing something I was uncomfortable with, I would just say it out and be honest to my feelings/boundaries. In a little way, you almost seem a little scared by him (or not predicting his actions).

An option is to sit him down and explain your boundaries/what you expect his behaviour to be like. See what happens. But I would not be surprised if he just couldnt do it, based on who he is.

Magicmatilda

His reactions seem irrational to me. It's like he has the correct sentiment but takes it to extremes. I think it would annoy me more than anything. Like the thing about him getting so upset over an issue you had in work. I imagine you would like him to sympathise but he completely over reacted and then made it about him by saying it had ruined his day. It probably hadn't even ruined your day !! Yeah I don't think I could deal with it. He sounds to me a bit fragile or unhinged. Have you called him on it and how does he react?

a posse ad esse

I don't think his actions are romantic. Romantic would be him taking you away for the weekend in the countryside or to Paris or Venice. His behaviour is irrational. Perhaps he does not have much experience in relationships? He is acting more like a teenager with his first crush than an adult.

I am sorry OP, I couldn't help but cringe and feel embarrased for you reading your posts. I don't know what to tell you as you have told him about his behaviour being embarassing and uncomfortable, you are better off ending it. I suggest having someone around when doing it as suggested from another poster.

thefeatheredcat

I don't know OP to be honest. It comes across to me that with having come out of his shell a bit, he is having difficulty controlling his emotions during an adjustment in his life?

I can understand being emotionally overwhelmed and feeling for another person, such as the man who was homeless or people suffering or having experienced an awful event. Some stuff from the last years have left me bawling my eyes out and I should mention, my life wasn't a happy place either and full of transformation, with changes including psychological and emotional. Even in a happier place, some stuff would still leave me feeling emotionally overwhelmed and compassionate.

In this instance of your work, it comes across like being quite angry on your behalf, defensive and protective..... He probably thinks you should be treated better with more respect perhaps because of his perception of you, deserving better. But his reaction is an extreme, perhaps he misunderstood your reaction to it and took it as face value?

I get the impression of someone who hasn't found their feet emotionally and is emotionally not in control. Perhaps the behaviour is a reflection of that and it is temporary; perhaps this is just as he is, always. It's almost in some ways a cross between his own anxieties and issues blurring with projections of how he feels towards you and it's come out like this mess of rather random and unpredictable outbursts. People who are that random and unpredictable, which can be seen as fun for the perceived spontaneity and impulsiveness, can be scary too at the same time because you never know how they will react unless there is a basic foundation of predictability.

I think if there is an underlying issue for the behaviour and lack of emotional control resulting in the behaviour, it is something ye need to talk about on a deeper level. I would still think behind it is something like a inability to communicate feelings, a need to deflect or create a distraction, an emotional or relationship issue, something that is a round about kind of way of reacting to something without the something ever being addressed.

I don't think anyone would expect you to be comfortable with that; the differences even from your examples from separate posts are extreme where it seems like there's an edge with him that may or may not be a part of him, or simply a process he is going through.

What is probably going to be the only answer for you is how you feel at the time of his varying behaviour and what your emotional reaction is.

homerjay2005

CommanderC wrote: »

I'm honestly shocked by how many people are labelling this guy as having some kind of issue or mental problem

He might just not be affected by what strangers think about him.

exactly. people are over analyzing this completely. signing a few songs and using spray paint ONCE is not a sign of a mental illness.

he seems to me to be a bit childish and i think with some good solid feedback from the OP, it can be sorted.

but jeez, some people watch too much dr phil on here.

sbsquarepants

homerjay2005 wrote: »

exactly. people are over analyzing this completely. signing a few songs and using spray paint ONCE is not a sign of a mental illness.

he seems to me to be a bit childish and i think with some good solid feedback from the OP, it can be sorted.

but jeez, some people watch too much dr phil on here.

You gotta love Dr. Phil!:D

But seriously, it's not an over reaction to say this guy just ain't right! Crying when you see a beggar is not normal behaviour, screaming and roaring in restaurants is not normal behaviour and so on. This is a professional adult, not some hormonal teenager, and even then it would be extremely strange behaviour.
My initial thoughts were some sort of mental problem or he's on drugs of some sort. Whatever it is, romantic it is not! He's clearly not in any sort of control of his emotions and i personally wouldn't particularly like to be around somebody like that. I certainly wouldn't want to date someone like that.

December2012

I don't know if the man has problems.

Maybe you and he are just incompatible.

But I would say that some things he does are okay, if a little to the extreme.

Eg it's ok to be somber about world problems, unfairness, homelessness, your partner being upset in work, to be elated about love.

However it seems like he has a problem with the execution - he goes too far. Maybe he is just a very sensitive person. As in he is aware to senses and emotions.

Eg it would be lovely if he put your names and dates spelled out in flowers. That's romantic. Spray paint is romantic but also causes a problem.

Talk to him about intensity but watch out - maybe you embarrass him sometimes!

ivytwine

UnromanticOPHere wrote: »

Honestly, even the poor man begging was embarrassed.
.

That really says it all to me. This guy sounds just completely irrational. It's perfectly human to get upset about the fact that some people don't have homes and we still have that level of poverty in society, but jesus, what good was he doing to anyone?

This kind of behaviour would drive me up the wall. Go volunteer with Focus Ireland, don't stand on O'Connell Bridge crying about it. There has to be something underlying this. I think you need to try one last time to have a talk with him. The spray paint thing was kind of cute and exuberant, but what if he gets into one of his twirly moods while driving along the M50?

There seems to be a fundamental incompatibility here. You seem a sensible and grounded person, while this guy just isn't. His behaviour would be cute in a romantic comedy, yes, but thankfully we live in a different universe.

Being with someone so completely unreliable, when you don't know if he's going to freak out, you have to filter what you tell him, and you can't rely on him for support because he makes your problems all about him: it wouldn't be for me, and it's not even remotely romantic.
Have a chat with him and see if there is anything underlying or solvable, but it would have to go completely for me personally to be happy, and probably you too

daisybelle2008

UnromanticOPHere wrote: »

The weird thing is, the behaviour is so far from what he is like. He's soft spoken, quite shy and reserved. his friends and family have all commented that I've really brought him out of his shell. .

OP, all the examples of weird behaviour centre around you and your relationship. It doesnt appear that he is generally a quirky guy, it just seems to apply to you. He appears overly dependent and more than unhealthily obsessed with you.
Is this his first serious relationship?
TBH I am not sure if this is normal romance or unhealthy obsession for him OP. Cute and romantic could soon become insecure, controlling and dysfunctional.
You seem to have your head screwed on OP, just really figure out if there is a healthy balance and independence in the relationship. Like another poster I think things could get messy if you split up, I don't think he'd cope we'll.

Forever Hopeful

Apologies for this but this reminds me if an episode of Friends with Alec Baldwin being OTT with his reactions to everything. Had to mention it.

Ultimately OP, you have to trust your guy on this. The beggar story would have tipped me over the edge.

It's extreme and like other posters have said, could be (not saying it will be) extreme in a negative way. Can you talk to him about how this makes you feel?

Have you spoken to your friends/ family? They know you best and can help advise.