Shocking actions or romantic?

LegacyUser

I'm 32 and have been single for a long time and focusing on my career - perhaps my long term single status is clouding my view here of what is considered normal, maybe I'm a bit cynical or unromantic.

So I've been seeing this man who at first appears a really intelligent, together guy. We've been official for almost a year but lately some of his actions are striking me as a bit extreme, bizarre and downright embarrassing!

Firstly, this is a man who has a very serious career, wears a suit, carries a brief case etc (wouldn't normally be relevant but I'd like you to get a picture)
So when we first slept together after a couple of dates (by the way there was very little drink involved), I woke up and he told me he has a surprise for me.
I was expecting breakfast or something but he brought me downstairs and outside onto MY road where I have lived for a number of years, and to my horror, showed me that he had spray painted our names and the date onto the path right in front of my house in huge writing. I was aghast but I'd had a wonderful night and he really is a charming man, he said something just came over him and he wanted to do something crazy so I laughed it off and jokingly (but really seriously told him he must clean it)

A few weeks later we were in a maternity hospital visiting my friend who had just given birth (my friends are all very fond of him) and in the middle of the ward he started singing in a really loud operatic voice "this will be us one daaay" and doing theatrical actions and singing to women in the ward "what a beautiful baby, what a beautiful day" etc. Now I could tell my friend (who is way more laid back and "quirky" than I am) was MORTIFIED, so was I but again we kind of just laughed it off very awkwardly. Afterwards we were out to dinner and I brought it up, I just said wow you're a bit mad sometimes and he seemed a little embarrassed so I assured him it was not a deal breaker and I was very lucky to have him and that I loved him. He then stood up and and yelled "YEAH BABY" and poured his glass of wine into his mouth but spilling it around his face and shirt, laughing!
I'm so upset writing this actually because it's like in these moments of madness I just don't know him, there are more of these examples, a lot more but I'm inwardly cringing so badly right now.

I know a lot of you will most likely think I'm a right stick in the mud or I should take what I can get, I really like him but these things make me feel really embarrassed!!

Taltos

Actually sounds like my soon to be ex brother in-law. Unsurprisingly his behaviour just got worse over time and he attempted to garner more and more attention.

Look - all is not lost here.
Have one final chat this this guy - but lay it out straight his quirky nature is turning you off him in a big way and either he tones it down permanently or for both your sakes you are going to leave him get on with it and hopefully with someone who can appreciate his oddness.

Not kidding here - there is bound to be someone who will love him for just who he is - it just isn't you. Question you have to ask yourself is can you see yourself married with kids with this joker - and can you put up with not just his actions but those of your children as they begin to ape him?

daisybelle2008

OP, don't worry you don't come across as a stick in the mud at all. Tbh I would be very tolerant of quirky behaviour in all forms, but his behaviour is affecting you and that understandable, some of his actions are very overwhelming
Do you know his friends and family well? How do they view his behaviour? Does this child like over excitement feature in other areas of his life outside of with you?

Esoteric_

I wouldn't call his behaviour quirky at all.

I'd call it bizzare and downright rude. He's embarrassing both you and other people, and by doing things in public, he's making other people uncomfortable, people who don't even know him!

Have one final chat with him, and tell him exactly how his actions are affecting you. If he can't/won't change, you have to decide if you can live with those kind of strange instances for the rest of your life.

Big Bag of Chips

The way you describe him reminds me of that Tom Cruise appearance on Oprah. I don't think anyone thought that was "quirky"!

Whatever about his carry on just in front of you, his behaviour in the maternity ward was wholly inappropriate.

I'd find myself avoiding people if I was going out with him, or avoiding you if you were me friend Sorry.

You shouldn't have to feel embarrassed when in public with your partner.

CommanderC

I think he sounds very sweet (I do agree a bit odd also) but very sweet and it sounds like he is crazy about you.

Maybe he is a little bizarre, but fuuck what everyone else thinks- most people are down right selfish and rude ****ers (I work in a customer service role) so if he is a nice person and treats you well, then I would roll with the weirdness

Esoteric_

CommanderC wrote: »

I think he sounds very sweet (I do agree a bit odd also) but very sweet and it sounds like he is crazy about you.

Maybe he is a little bizarre, but fuuck what everyone else thinks- most people are down right selfish and rude ****ers (I work in a customer service role) so if he is a nice person and treats you well, then I would roll with the weirdness

If he's doing things that he KNOWS embarrass and shame her, he's not 'treating her well.'

judgefudge

CommanderC wrote: »

I think he sounds very sweet (I do agree a bit odd also) but very sweet and it sounds like he is crazy about you.

Maybe he is a little bizarre, but fuuck what everyone else thinks- most people are down right selfish and rude ****ers (I work in a customer service role) so if he is a nice person and treats you well, then I would roll with the weirdness

I also think he sounds like a sweet/nice guy. But he clearly doesn't know how to handle himself in public. I'd have a chat if you really like him and see it he's aware of how he comes across.

Maga

Exotic + bipolar?

ShaShaBear

The fact that you said he felt embarrassed when you confronted him on his behaviour would suggest to me that it might be rather put on. Perhaps he is doing it in a desperate attempt to appear funny, witty, and whimsical to you and yours? I imagine someone who behaved in this way naturally would have been more confused or perplexed when you brought it up.

I know a man who is just like this. He's very flamboyant, loud, loves to say things in his very booming voice that are embarrassing to get people's attention and is more than overly and publicly romantic. He also puts this on to disguise the fact that he has some emotional and relationship issues that he is terrified of people knowing about (just to clarify he is actually straight).

Perhaps you could try to approach him in a gentle and polite way and tell him that his public theatrics, while amusing the odd time, can go a little over the top, and that you love him just fine without him having to make all this extra effort to amuse you? If it really is put on, he'll probably be relieved to be able to tone it down. If by any chance it's natural to him, he'd be inclined to ask what you are talking about, or he'll tell you that's the way he's always been (in which case you can essentially like it or lump it )

CommanderC

Esoteric_ wrote: »

If he's doing things that he KNOWS embarrass and shame her, he's not 'treating her well.'

I don't think he KNOWS at the time though.

It sound's like that at the time he is doing these things, he has the best intentions i.e he wants to show her how much he loves her.

This is him, this is his personality.......

The things the OP's boyfriend is doing just sound like a lot of effort to do..... if you are purposely doing them to embarrass and shame. I mean, I don't think you could/would keep it up.

I sounds to me like his actions are just natural (this is kind of hard to explain).....so what can be done here....change his personality ?

ash23

I think it's a compatibility thing. Some people would find it endearing and funny. Some would find it embarrassing and off-putting.
Personally I hate having attention drawn to myself and I would die on the spot if someone did what you mentioned.

I've always thought that you can't change someone and I don't think you can change him. It's just who he is.
You need to decide if you can tolerate it. You can ask him to tone it down but he may get carried away again and again and again. Because it's who he is. But can you continue with the relationship if he embarrasses you? That's the million dollar question.......

Esoteric_

CommanderC wrote: »

I don't think he KNOWS at the time though.

It sound's like that at the time he is doing these things, he has the best intentions i.e he wants to show her how much he loves her.

This is him, this is his personality.......

The things the OP's boyfriend is doing just sound like a lot of effort to do..... if you are purposely doing them to embarrass and shame. I mean, I don't think you could/would keep it up.

I sounds to me like his actions are just natural (this is kind of hard to explain).....so what can be done here....change his personality ?

I'm not saying that he's purposely trying to embarrass or shame her, I highly doubt he'd do that. But she's already told him how she feels about these actions, and he continues to act this way, so he KNOWS he's embarrassing her and acts that way anyway, showing disregard for her feelings.

m'lady

I'm sorry but I'd definitely find his actions very, very odd and attention seeking. Perhaps it's an insecurity issue and he's *trying* to be funny or perhaps that's just his way?
As what other posters have said he's embarrassing you and has had no regard for your feelings at all, and that is what my problem would be to be honest.. I'd sit him down and show him this thread, tell him if he doesn't cop on then he can be the funny SINGLE guy and then move on.. Otherwise you will be constantly waiting for him to have a 'funny turn' which will really stress you out and in turn make you really resent him..

stargazer 68

m'lady wrote: »

I'm sorry but I'd definitely find his actions very, very odd and attention seeking. Perhaps it's an insecurity issue and he's *trying* to be funny or perhaps that's just his way?
As what other posters have said he's embarrassing you and has had no regard for your feelings at all, and that is what my problem would be to be honest.. I'd sit him down and show him this thread, tell him if he doesn't cop on then he can be the funny SINGLE guy and then move on.. Otherwise you will be constantly waiting for him to have a 'funny turn' which will really stress you out and in turn make you really resent him..

I have to agree OP - I was cringeing even reading your post and you say there are others events?? Sorry I couldnt live with wondering what idiotic stunt he is going to pull next. What happens when you take him to a work or family function - I would be sitting on the edge of my seat the whole time. Maybe thats just me but still ...

Merkin

I think it's already been mentioned but he's not bipolar by any chance is he? During a high episode, sufferers of the illness can act quite, well manically, as well as a bit off-the-wall and impulsively. Do you think he could be manic depressive?

Forever Hopeful

Merkin wrote: »

I think it's already been mentioned but he's not bipolar by any chance is he? During a high episode, sufferers of the illness can act quite, well manically, as well as a bit off-the-wall and impulsively. Do you think he could be manic depressive?

I was thinking along these same lines. Op, his behaviour isn't normal. In fairness to you, you are very tolerant (I'd have run for the hills as that would put me off). There could be some hidden mental issue there.

Lax flax, don't post again in the thread please, your contributions are not helpful

_Whimsical_

I think this guy falls into one of two categories, he is either suffering from a mental illness like bipolar or he has a serious social issue. If he falls into the latter category and hasn't learned and understood what is socially appropriate by this age I doubt it will suddenly dawn on him now. I really don't think you can impose your notion of appropriate on someone else in a firm chat either. If they don't have a natural instinct how to behave in certain situations they'll have no chance following a list of dictates set out by you.

As time goes by can you see yourself trusting him to accompany you to family occasions, funerals, workdo's without a knot in your stomach over whether he can handle himself in an appropriate manner? If the answer is no you have a stressful time ahead if you stay with him.

There will probably be someone out there for him. Someone who'll be charmed by a whimsical outlandishness and feel little regard for social convention themselves. It wouldn't be my style but it takes all sorts.If it's not your style I'd spare yourself the heartache and get out while you can.
Oh and I'd be gentle about it, he does sound a little unstable.

thefeatheredcat

There's a few posts I'd agree on - it sounds to me like his behaviour is a deliberate distraction and general avoidance of dealing with circumstances and in having a more meaningful, personal discussion and communication about how he feels about you.

After an intimate night he spray paints your names (very teenage sort of stunt, but kind of cute in its own way and not as bad as the others), in a maternity ward singing and declaring things as if to extract the idea out of people's head about wink wink it'll be you next wink wink so it's not said by others so can't make him feel uncomfortable and the third example you used about what I would see as your declaration of your feelings a non response to what you said, but a different response to deflect from what you have said.

It's bad communication on a personal level re whatever he feels and I would be left with the impression that there is some sort of insecurity and inability to communicate feelings there but a need to act out something instead to deflect the situation he is uncomfortable with.

I agree with ShaShaBear a more gentle approach is needed; if it is just masking an insecurity or general emotional and relationship issues through behaviour if approached confrontationally he might get very negatively defensive about it but he needs to know that he doesn't have to act that way and that you are open to communicate with on what could be to him very delicate emotional matters that might require a bit of patience for him to open up about.

dellas1979

I dont think its fair that this guy is getting called odd etc and internet diagnosed as possible bi-polar. There could be many reasons for his actions, but it is him. "Social norm"? That depends on the person. Who is anyone to tell anyone else what is normal?

Social norms are boxes for people, who perceive themselves as "normal", to put others in, who are infact insecure in their own thoughts and are projecting onto others.

OP, if it is becoming a deal breaker, and youve been honest with him, and HE doesnt see a problem, there isnt a lot more you can do. You cant change him. You shouldnt have to change him to what you consider acceptable.

CommanderC

I'm honestly shocked by how many people are labelling this guy as having some kind of issue or mental problem

He might just not be affected by what strangers think about him.

m'lady

CommanderC wrote: »

I'm honestly shocked by how many people are labelling this guy as having some kind of issue or mental problem

He might just not be affected by what strangers think about him.

And if that's the case then he's not affected by what his girlfriend thinks/feels when he embarrasses her, which I think is a major problem to be honest.. Part of being in a relationship is caring about the other person, and not disregarding their feelings..

dellas1979

m'lady wrote: »

Part of being in a relationship is caring about the other person, and not disregarding their feelings..

With that theory, then the same could be applied to her.

m'lady

dellas1979 wrote: »

With that theory, then the same could be applied to her.

What? Sit and cringe when he embarrasses her, most of us like a laugh but by what the op has said he's really going over the top and not listening to her at all!

dellas1979

She doesnt have to sit there and cringe, as you put it, if she thinks that his behaviour is that embarassing.

Esoteric_

dellas1979 wrote: »

She doesnt have to sit there and cringe, as you put it, if she thinks that his behaviour is that embarassing.

So, what do you suggest she do? She's already spoken to him, tried to laugh along, what other option is left?

Brego888

What struck me from reading the op is that this guy has bipolar who experiences elated/manic type symptoms when stressed or excited

Esoteric_

This 'bipolar' comment thing is annoying me tbh.

Acting like a gobshíte doesn't equal bi-polar.

I'm bi-polar. I was diagnosed at 17 (I'm now 24). I have it under control and have even been off medication for a year. BEFORE it was under control, I might have been batshít crazy, but I sure as hell didn't act like the OP's partner. Acting like an idiot is not an instant sign of bi-polar disorder, it's a sign of attention seeking.

Big Bag of Chips

Can we all stop with the online diagnosis please.

There is no possible way from a few lines of a post, that anyone here can diagnose Bipolar Disorder. Even if you have completed the necessary years of college, associated study, psychiatry placement and final exams.

And I'm guessing if any posters here are indeed qualified pscyhiatrists, then they wouldn't be so reckless as to try to make an online diagnosis.

If anyone is unsure have a read of this.

Akrasia

This guy just seems like he has a quirky sense of humour and plenty of self confidence. If a character in a romantic comedy did these things he would be seen as loveable and passionate and would probably win the girl in the end.

OP. assuming the rest of your relationship works, do you honestly think a little bit of harmless and well intentioned mischief is worth ending the whole relationship?

Nobody is perfect. all relationships need compromise