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Shocking actions or romantic?

  • 09-06-2013 7:21pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I'm 32 and have been single for a long time and focusing on my career - perhaps my long term single status is clouding my view here of what is considered normal, maybe I'm a bit cynical or unromantic.

    So I've been seeing this man who at first appears a really intelligent, together guy. We've been official for almost a year but lately some of his actions are striking me as a bit extreme, bizarre and downright embarrassing!

    Firstly, this is a man who has a very serious career, wears a suit, carries a brief case etc (wouldn't normally be relevant but I'd like you to get a picture)
    So when we first slept together after a couple of dates (by the way there was very little drink involved), I woke up and he told me he has a surprise for me.
    I was expecting breakfast or something but he brought me downstairs and outside onto MY road where I have lived for a number of years, and to my horror, showed me that he had spray painted our names and the date onto the path right in front of my house in huge writing. I was aghast but I'd had a wonderful night and he really is a charming man, he said something just came over him and he wanted to do something crazy so I laughed it off and jokingly (but really seriously told him he must clean it)

    A few weeks later we were in a maternity hospital visiting my friend who had just given birth (my friends are all very fond of him) and in the middle of the ward he started singing in a really loud operatic voice "this will be us one daaay" and doing theatrical actions and singing to women in the ward "what a beautiful baby, what a beautiful day" etc. Now I could tell my friend (who is way more laid back and "quirky" than I am) was MORTIFIED, so was I but again we kind of just laughed it off very awkwardly. Afterwards we were out to dinner and I brought it up, I just said wow you're a bit mad sometimes and he seemed a little embarrassed so I assured him it was not a deal breaker and I was very lucky to have him and that I loved him. He then stood up and and yelled "YEAH BABY" and poured his glass of wine into his mouth but spilling it around his face and shirt, laughing!
    I'm so upset writing this actually because it's like in these moments of madness I just don't know him, there are more of these examples, a lot more but I'm inwardly cringing so badly right now.

    I know a lot of you will most likely think I'm a right stick in the mud or I should take what I can get, I really like him but these things make me feel really embarrassed!!


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Actually sounds like my soon to be ex brother in-law. Unsurprisingly his behaviour just got worse over time and he attempted to garner more and more attention.

    Look - all is not lost here.
    Have one final chat this this guy - but lay it out straight his quirky nature is turning you off him in a big way and either he tones it down permanently or for both your sakes you are going to leave him get on with it and hopefully with someone who can appreciate his oddness.

    Not kidding here - there is bound to be someone who will love him for just who he is - it just isn't you. Question you have to ask yourself is can you see yourself married with kids with this joker - and can you put up with not just his actions but those of your children as they begin to ape him?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    OP, don't worry you don't come across as a stick in the mud at all. Tbh I would be very tolerant of quirky behaviour in all forms, but his behaviour is affecting you and that understandable, some of his actions are very overwhelming
    Do you know his friends and family well? How do they view his behaviour? Does this child like over excitement feature in other areas of his life outside of with you?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 ✭✭✭✭Esoteric_


    I wouldn't call his behaviour quirky at all.

    I'd call it bizzare and downright rude. He's embarrassing both you and other people, and by doing things in public, he's making other people uncomfortable, people who don't even know him!

    Have one final chat with him, and tell him exactly how his actions are affecting you. If he can't/won't change, you have to decide if you can live with those kind of strange instances for the rest of your life.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,907 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    The way you describe him reminds me of that Tom Cruise appearance on Oprah. I don't think anyone thought that was "quirky"!

    Whatever about his carry on just in front of you, his behaviour in the maternity ward was wholly inappropriate.

    I'd find myself avoiding people if I was going out with him, or avoiding you if you were me friend :( Sorry.

    You shouldn't have to feel embarrassed when in public with your partner.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 420 ✭✭CommanderC


    I think he sounds very sweet (I do agree a bit odd also) but very sweet and it sounds like he is crazy about you.

    Maybe he is a little bizarre, but fuuck what everyone else thinks- most people are down right selfish and rude ****ers (I work in a customer service role) so if he is a nice person and treats you well, then I would roll with the weirdness :)


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 ✭✭✭✭Esoteric_


    CommanderC wrote: »
    I think he sounds very sweet (I do agree a bit odd also) but very sweet and it sounds like he is crazy about you.

    Maybe he is a little bizarre, but fuuck what everyone else thinks- most people are down right selfish and rude ****ers (I work in a customer service role) so if he is a nice person and treats you well, then I would roll with the weirdness :)

    If he's doing things that he KNOWS embarrass and shame her, he's not 'treating her well.'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 915 ✭✭✭judgefudge


    CommanderC wrote: »
    I think he sounds very sweet (I do agree a bit odd also) but very sweet and it sounds like he is crazy about you.

    Maybe he is a little bizarre, but fuuck what everyone else thinks- most people are down right selfish and rude ****ers (I work in a customer service role) so if he is a nice person and treats you well, then I would roll with the weirdness :)

    I also think he sounds like a sweet/nice guy. But he clearly doesn't know how to handle himself in public. I'd have a chat if you really like him and see it he's aware of how he comes across.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 91 ✭✭Maga


    Exotic + bipolar?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,528 ✭✭✭ShaShaBear


    The fact that you said he felt embarrassed when you confronted him on his behaviour would suggest to me that it might be rather put on. Perhaps he is doing it in a desperate attempt to appear funny, witty, and whimsical to you and yours? I imagine someone who behaved in this way naturally would have been more confused or perplexed when you brought it up.

    I know a man who is just like this. He's very flamboyant, loud, loves to say things in his very booming voice that are embarrassing to get people's attention and is more than overly and publicly romantic. He also puts this on to disguise the fact that he has some emotional and relationship issues that he is terrified of people knowing about (just to clarify he is actually straight).

    Perhaps you could try to approach him in a gentle and polite way and tell him that his public theatrics, while amusing the odd time, can go a little over the top, and that you love him just fine without him having to make all this extra effort to amuse you? If it really is put on, he'll probably be relieved to be able to tone it down. If by any chance it's natural to him, he'd be inclined to ask what you are talking about, or he'll tell you that's the way he's always been (in which case you can essentially like it or lump it :( )


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 420 ✭✭CommanderC


    Esoteric_ wrote: »
    If he's doing things that he KNOWS embarrass and shame her, he's not 'treating her well.'

    I don't think he KNOWS at the time though.

    It sound's like that at the time he is doing these things, he has the best intentions i.e he wants to show her how much he loves her.

    This is him, this is his personality.......

    The things the OP's boyfriend is doing just sound like a lot of effort to do..... if you are purposely doing them to embarrass and shame. I mean, I don't think you could/would keep it up.

    I sounds to me like his actions are just natural (this is kind of hard to explain).....so what can be done here....change his personality ?


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭ash23


    I think it's a compatibility thing. Some people would find it endearing and funny. Some would find it embarrassing and off-putting.
    Personally I hate having attention drawn to myself and I would die on the spot if someone did what you mentioned.

    I've always thought that you can't change someone and I don't think you can change him. It's just who he is.
    You need to decide if you can tolerate it. You can ask him to tone it down but he may get carried away again and again and again. Because it's who he is. But can you continue with the relationship if he embarrasses you? That's the million dollar question.......


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 ✭✭✭✭Esoteric_


    CommanderC wrote: »
    I don't think he KNOWS at the time though.

    It sound's like that at the time he is doing these things, he has the best intentions i.e he wants to show her how much he loves her.

    This is him, this is his personality.......

    The things the OP's boyfriend is doing just sound like a lot of effort to do..... if you are purposely doing them to embarrass and shame. I mean, I don't think you could/would keep it up.

    I sounds to me like his actions are just natural (this is kind of hard to explain).....so what can be done here....change his personality ?

    I'm not saying that he's purposely trying to embarrass or shame her, I highly doubt he'd do that. But she's already told him how she feels about these actions, and he continues to act this way, so he KNOWS he's embarrassing her and acts that way anyway, showing disregard for her feelings.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,859 ✭✭✭m'lady


    I'm sorry but I'd definitely find his actions very, very odd and attention seeking. Perhaps it's an insecurity issue and he's *trying* to be funny or perhaps that's just his way?
    As what other posters have said he's embarrassing you and has had no regard for your feelings at all, and that is what my problem would be to be honest.. I'd sit him down and show him this thread, tell him if he doesn't cop on then he can be the funny SINGLE guy and then move on.. Otherwise you will be constantly waiting for him to have a 'funny turn' which will really stress you out and in turn make you really resent him..


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,163 ✭✭✭stargazer 68


    m'lady wrote: »
    I'm sorry but I'd definitely find his actions very, very odd and attention seeking. Perhaps it's an insecurity issue and he's *trying* to be funny or perhaps that's just his way?
    As what other posters have said he's embarrassing you and has had no regard for your feelings at all, and that is what my problem would be to be honest.. I'd sit him down and show him this thread, tell him if he doesn't cop on then he can be the funny SINGLE guy and then move on.. Otherwise you will be constantly waiting for him to have a 'funny turn' which will really stress you out and in turn make you really resent him..

    I have to agree OP - I was cringeing even reading your post and you say there are others events?? Sorry I couldnt live with wondering what idiotic stunt he is going to pull next. What happens when you take him to a work or family function - I would be sitting on the edge of my seat the whole time. Maybe thats just me but still ...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    I think it's already been mentioned but he's not bipolar by any chance is he? During a high episode, sufferers of the illness can act quite, well manically, as well as a bit off-the-wall and impulsively. Do you think he could be manic depressive?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 275 ✭✭Forever Hopeful


    Merkin wrote: »
    I think it's already been mentioned but he's not bipolar by any chance is he? During a high episode, sufferers of the illness can act quite, well manically, as well as a bit off-the-wall and impulsively. Do you think he could be manic depressive?

    I was thinking along these same lines. Op, his behaviour isn't normal. In fairness to you, you are very tolerant (I'd have run for the hills as that would put me off). There could be some hidden mental issue there.


  • Posts: 0 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Anna High Dove


    Lax flax, don't post again in the thread please, your contributions are not helpful


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,971 ✭✭✭_Whimsical_


    I think this guy falls into one of two categories, he is either suffering from a mental illness like bipolar or he has a serious social issue. If he falls into the latter category and hasn't learned and understood what is socially appropriate by this age I doubt it will suddenly dawn on him now. I really don't think you can impose your notion of appropriate on someone else in a firm chat either. If they don't have a natural instinct how to behave in certain situations they'll have no chance following a list of dictates set out by you.

    As time goes by can you see yourself trusting him to accompany you to family occasions, funerals, workdo's without a knot in your stomach over whether he can handle himself in an appropriate manner? If the answer is no you have a stressful time ahead if you stay with him.

    There will probably be someone out there for him. Someone who'll be charmed by a whimsical outlandishness and feel little regard for social convention themselves. It wouldn't be my style but it takes all sorts.If it's not your style I'd spare yourself the heartache and get out while you can.
    Oh and I'd be gentle about it, he does sound a little unstable.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,282 ✭✭✭thefeatheredcat


    There's a few posts I'd agree on - it sounds to me like his behaviour is a deliberate distraction and general avoidance of dealing with circumstances and in having a more meaningful, personal discussion and communication about how he feels about you.

    After an intimate night he spray paints your names (very teenage sort of stunt, but kind of cute in its own way and not as bad as the others), in a maternity ward singing and declaring things as if to extract the idea out of people's head about wink wink it'll be you next wink wink so it's not said by others so can't make him feel uncomfortable and the third example you used about what I would see as your declaration of your feelings a non response to what you said, but a different response to deflect from what you have said.

    It's bad communication on a personal level re whatever he feels and I would be left with the impression that there is some sort of insecurity and inability to communicate feelings there but a need to act out something instead to deflect the situation he is uncomfortable with.

    I agree with ShaShaBear a more gentle approach is needed; if it is just masking an insecurity or general emotional and relationship issues through behaviour if approached confrontationally he might get very negatively defensive about it but he needs to know that he doesn't have to act that way and that you are open to communicate with on what could be to him very delicate emotional matters that might require a bit of patience for him to open up about.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    I dont think its fair that this guy is getting called odd etc and internet diagnosed as possible bi-polar. There could be many reasons for his actions, but it is him. "Social norm"? That depends on the person. Who is anyone to tell anyone else what is normal?

    Social norms are boxes for people, who perceive themselves as "normal", to put others in, who are infact insecure in their own thoughts and are projecting onto others.

    OP, if it is becoming a deal breaker, and youve been honest with him, and HE doesnt see a problem, there isnt a lot more you can do. You cant change him. You shouldnt have to change him to what you consider acceptable.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 420 ✭✭CommanderC


    I'm honestly shocked by how many people are labelling this guy as having some kind of issue or mental problem :/

    He might just not be affected by what strangers think about him.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,859 ✭✭✭m'lady


    CommanderC wrote: »
    I'm honestly shocked by how many people are labelling this guy as having some kind of issue or mental problem :/

    He might just not be affected by what strangers think about him.

    And if that's the case then he's not affected by what his girlfriend thinks/feels when he embarrasses her, which I think is a major problem to be honest.. Part of being in a relationship is caring about the other person, and not disregarding their feelings..


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    m'lady wrote: »
    Part of being in a relationship is caring about the other person, and not disregarding their feelings..

    With that theory, then the same could be applied to her.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,859 ✭✭✭m'lady


    dellas1979 wrote: »
    With that theory, then the same could be applied to her.

    What? Sit and cringe when he embarrasses her, most of us like a laugh but by what the op has said he's really going over the top and not listening to her at all!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    She doesnt have to sit there and cringe, as you put it, if she thinks that his behaviour is that embarassing.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 ✭✭✭✭Esoteric_


    dellas1979 wrote: »
    She doesnt have to sit there and cringe, as you put it, if she thinks that his behaviour is that embarassing.

    So, what do you suggest she do? She's already spoken to him, tried to laugh along, what other option is left?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,321 ✭✭✭Brego888


    What struck me from reading the op is that this guy has bipolar who experiences elated/manic type symptoms when stressed or excited


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 ✭✭✭✭Esoteric_


    This 'bipolar' comment thing is annoying me tbh.

    Acting like a gobshíte doesn't equal bi-polar.

    I'm bi-polar. I was diagnosed at 17 (I'm now 24). I have it under control and have even been off medication for a year. BEFORE it was under control, I might have been batshít crazy, but I sure as hell didn't act like the OP's partner. Acting like an idiot is not an instant sign of bi-polar disorder, it's a sign of attention seeking.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,907 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Can we all stop with the online diagnosis please.

    There is no possible way from a few lines of a post, that anyone here can diagnose Bipolar Disorder. Even if you have completed the necessary years of college, associated study, psychiatry placement and final exams.

    And I'm guessing if any posters here are indeed qualified pscyhiatrists, then they wouldn't be so reckless as to try to make an online diagnosis.

    If anyone is unsure have a read of this.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,799 ✭✭✭✭Akrasia


    This guy just seems like he has a quirky sense of humour and plenty of self confidence. If a character in a romantic comedy did these things he would be seen as loveable and passionate and would probably win the girl in the end.

    OP. assuming the rest of your relationship works, do you honestly think a little bit of harmless and well intentioned mischief is worth ending the whole relationship?

    Nobody is perfect. all relationships need compromise


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,457 ✭✭✭ford2600


    All the situations op mentions are emotionally charged. IMHO this man is scared out of his wits and unable to deal with said situations in a normal mature manner.
    If I'm laughing and joking people won't realise I'm so scared...
    Have a serious chat. Expect lots of tears..


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you all so much for the replies!
    With the mixture of views I'm still left confused but one thing I know for sure is I'm not comfortable with the behaviour, it's not my natural reaction so I really can't change that.

    The weird thing is, the behaviour is so far from what he is like. He's soft spoken, quite shy and reserved. his friends and family have all commented that I've really brought him out of his shell. One minute we can be talking about the weather and the next he'll burst into song or twirl me around out on the street or start beeping his horn saying how happy he is, then almost instantly seems embarrassed by his actions and it's his remorse (along with the shock) that always really throws me and makes me uncomfortable. It's like a "tick" or something! Somebody mentioned the Tom Cruise moment, oh my god you've no idea how many times I've thought that that's exactly how he behaves sometimes!!

    We were walking over O'Connell Bridge one day and saw a beggar, I was rooting in my bag for some change when I looked up to see him doubled over as if he'd just ran a marathon, I instantly thought he was having a heart attack but he was actually sobbing, saying I was amazing and that it wasn't fair that we were so happy and this man was homeless. Honestly, even the poor man begging was embarrassed.
    I'm sure I sound very cruel here, I think it's great that he's so kind, I really do but breaking down and sobbing in a busy street just seems irrational to me.

    However, another side to the coin. I was having trouble in work one day with my manager not doing the correct ground work for a project, which ended up making me look foolish to clients (not unheard of in my line of work and really not a huge deal) I was chatting to him saying oh I wanted the ground to swallow me up etc. He sent me a couple of texts throughout the day saying "how could she do that to you", "I can't stop thinking about how horrible you must have felt" etc. I made light of it and brushed it under the carpet but when he came over that evening I said how was your day and he said his entire day had been totally ruined when he learned I had been upset.

    Later on I was making dinner and he was pacing around the kitchen ranting and raving about my boss banging his fists on my counter tops saying how could she then when I made it clear that it was a total over reaction (which it truly was) so then as if he'd had a light switch moment he started saying how I should give up work, we each should sell our homes and move away.

    We were watching a film with a few friends and it was nice and quiet and relaxed until there was a reference to the main character cheating on his wife and he stood up and started shouting at the TV "Come on man don't do it, think about your wife and kids, it wont be worth it, ah come on!" etc, the friends we were visiting had kids in bed so he quickly got hushed and yet again it was laughed off and comments like oh at least you know he'll be faithful, but it did leave an really awkward atmosphere.

    I wish I could give good descriptions of his day to day, placid, lovely, kind behaviour.
    I do honestly think there is something underlining, I do really love him and his beliefs etc but now how unpredictable he can be when something goes against his moral code.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 262 ✭✭tigerblob


    He sounds really unbalanced and unpredictable, OP, and it sounds like you just want a quiet life. Maybe you guys just aren't compatible.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,859 ✭✭✭m'lady


    Op after reading your most recent post I have to say this.. I think if you do decide to end things between you both that you should tread carefully and I'd even go so far as saying have a friend with you..

    This guy is unpredictable and you really don't know how he will react. I'm really not trying to scare you, but I would hate not to say it and something should happen. I agree with the above poster, there are compatibility issues amongst (many) other things.. Just play safe


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    Well, you see, every person is different. most of the things you described, I wouldnt bat an eyelid at. Sounds like he is being true to his feelings. Its an honest way to be. That is not to say you wouldnt find it uncomfortable. That said, if he was doing something I was uncomfortable with, I would just say it out and be honest to my feelings/boundaries. In a little way, you almost seem a little scared by him (or not predicting his actions).

    An option is to sit him down and explain your boundaries/what you expect his behaviour to be like. See what happens. But I would not be surprised if he just couldnt do it, based on who he is.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 601 ✭✭✭Magicmatilda


    His reactions seem irrational to me. It's like he has the correct sentiment but takes it to extremes. I think it would annoy me more than anything. Like the thing about him getting so upset over an issue you had in work. I imagine you would like him to sympathise but he completely over reacted and then made it about him by saying it had ruined his day. It probably hadn't even ruined your day !! Yeah I don't think I could deal with it. He sounds to me a bit fragile or unhinged. Have you called him on it and how does he react?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 136 ✭✭a posse ad esse


    I don't think his actions are romantic. Romantic would be him taking you away for the weekend in the countryside or to Paris or Venice. His behaviour is irrational. Perhaps he does not have much experience in relationships? He is acting more like a teenager with his first crush than an adult.

    I am sorry OP, I couldn't help but cringe and feel embarrased for you reading your posts. I don't know what to tell you as you have told him about his behaviour being embarassing and uncomfortable, you are better off ending it. I suggest having someone around when doing it as suggested from another poster.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,282 ✭✭✭thefeatheredcat


    I don't know OP to be honest. It comes across to me that with having come out of his shell a bit, he is having difficulty controlling his emotions during an adjustment in his life?

    I can understand being emotionally overwhelmed and feeling for another person, such as the man who was homeless or people suffering or having experienced an awful event. Some stuff from the last years have left me bawling my eyes out and I should mention, my life wasn't a happy place either and full of transformation, with changes including psychological and emotional. Even in a happier place, some stuff would still leave me feeling emotionally overwhelmed and compassionate.

    In this instance of your work, it comes across like being quite angry on your behalf, defensive and protective..... He probably thinks you should be treated better with more respect perhaps because of his perception of you, deserving better. But his reaction is an extreme, perhaps he misunderstood your reaction to it and took it as face value?

    I get the impression of someone who hasn't found their feet emotionally and is emotionally not in control. Perhaps the behaviour is a reflection of that and it is temporary; perhaps this is just as he is, always. It's almost in some ways a cross between his own anxieties and issues blurring with projections of how he feels towards you and it's come out like this mess of rather random and unpredictable outbursts. People who are that random and unpredictable, which can be seen as fun for the perceived spontaneity and impulsiveness, can be scary too at the same time because you never know how they will react unless there is a basic foundation of predictability.

    I think if there is an underlying issue for the behaviour and lack of emotional control resulting in the behaviour, it is something ye need to talk about on a deeper level. I would still think behind it is something like a inability to communicate feelings, a need to deflect or create a distraction, an emotional or relationship issue, something that is a round about kind of way of reacting to something without the something ever being addressed.

    I don't think anyone would expect you to be comfortable with that; the differences even from your examples from separate posts are extreme where it seems like there's an edge with him that may or may not be a part of him, or simply a process he is going through.

    What is probably going to be the only answer for you is how you feel at the time of his varying behaviour and what your emotional reaction is.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,346 ✭✭✭✭homerjay2005


    CommanderC wrote: »
    I'm honestly shocked by how many people are labelling this guy as having some kind of issue or mental problem :/

    He might just not be affected by what strangers think about him.

    exactly. people are over analyzing this completely. signing a few songs and using spray paint ONCE is not a sign of a mental illness.

    he seems to me to be a bit childish and i think with some good solid feedback from the OP, it can be sorted.

    but jeez, some people watch too much dr phil on here.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,812 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    exactly. people are over analyzing this completely. signing a few songs and using spray paint ONCE is not a sign of a mental illness.

    he seems to me to be a bit childish and i think with some good solid feedback from the OP, it can be sorted.

    but jeez, some people watch too much dr phil on here.

    You gotta love Dr. Phil!:D

    But seriously, it's not an over reaction to say this guy just ain't right! Crying when you see a beggar is not normal behaviour, screaming and roaring in restaurants is not normal behaviour and so on. This is a professional adult, not some hormonal teenager, and even then it would be extremely strange behaviour.
    My initial thoughts were some sort of mental problem or he's on drugs of some sort. Whatever it is, romantic it is not! He's clearly not in any sort of control of his emotions and i personally wouldn't particularly like to be around somebody like that. I certainly wouldn't want to date someone like that.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    I don't know if the man has problems.

    Maybe you and he are just incompatible.

    But I would say that some things he does are okay, if a little to the extreme.

    Eg it's ok to be somber about world problems, unfairness, homelessness, your partner being upset in work, to be elated about love.

    However it seems like he has a problem with the execution - he goes too far. Maybe he is just a very sensitive person. As in he is aware to senses and emotions.

    Eg it would be lovely if he put your names and dates spelled out in flowers. That's romantic. Spray paint is romantic but also causes a problem.

    Talk to him about intensity but watch out - maybe you embarrass him sometimes!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,114 ✭✭✭ivytwine


    Honestly, even the poor man begging was embarrassed.
    .

    That really says it all to me. This guy sounds just completely irrational. It's perfectly human to get upset about the fact that some people don't have homes and we still have that level of poverty in society, but jesus, what good was he doing to anyone?

    This kind of behaviour would drive me up the wall. Go volunteer with Focus Ireland, don't stand on O'Connell Bridge crying about it. There has to be something underlying this. I think you need to try one last time to have a talk with him. The spray paint thing was kind of cute and exuberant, but what if he gets into one of his twirly moods while driving along the M50?

    There seems to be a fundamental incompatibility here. You seem a sensible and grounded person, while this guy just isn't. His behaviour would be cute in a romantic comedy, yes, but thankfully we live in a different universe.


  • Posts: 0 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Anna High Dove


    Being with someone so completely unreliable, when you don't know if he's going to freak out, you have to filter what you tell him, and you can't rely on him for support because he makes your problems all about him: it wouldn't be for me, and it's not even remotely romantic.
    Have a chat with him and see if there is anything underlying or solvable, but it would have to go completely for me personally to be happy, and probably you too


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008



    The weird thing is, the behaviour is so far from what he is like. He's soft spoken, quite shy and reserved. his friends and family have all commented that I've really brought him out of his shell. .

    OP, all the examples of weird behaviour centre around you and your relationship. It doesnt appear that he is generally a quirky guy, it just seems to apply to you. He appears overly dependent and more than unhealthily obsessed with you.
    Is this his first serious relationship?
    TBH I am not sure if this is normal romance or unhealthy obsession for him OP. Cute and romantic could soon become insecure, controlling and dysfunctional.
    You seem to have your head screwed on OP, just really figure out if there is a healthy balance and independence in the relationship. Like another poster I think things could get messy if you split up, I don't think he'd cope we'll.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 275 ✭✭Forever Hopeful


    Apologies for this but this reminds me if an episode of Friends with Alec Baldwin being OTT with his reactions to everything. Had to mention it.

    Ultimately OP, you have to trust your guy on this. The beggar story would have tipped me over the edge.

    It's extreme and like other posters have said, could be (not saying it will be) extreme in a negative way. Can you talk to him about how this makes you feel?

    Have you spoken to your friends/ family? They know you best and can help advise.


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