Would you have a child on your own?

Emme

Are any of you single mothers and was that a conscious decision? If you are childless, fertile and want children, would you consider having a child on your own if you could afford to raise it?

I am asking this question because most women I know, regardless of age, find it difficult to meet a man who is willing to commit. This is not just with women over 35, but younger more fertile women as well including women in their 20s.

About 60% of the women I know with children are single mothers.

Some men do want to settle down and have children (the Gentleman's Club has a thread on it) but many others do not. It would seem that more women than men want children.

What do other people think? Is it a good idea for a woman to have a child on her own if she can't find a man who is willing to commit? She could have the child with a willing friend or through a sperm bank.

Malari

Emme wrote: »

Are any of you single mothers and was that a conscious decision? If you are childless, fertile and want children, would you consider having a child on your own if you could afford to raise it?

I am asking this question because most women I know, regardless of age, find it difficult to meet a man who is willing to commit. This is not just with women over 35, but younger more fertile women as well including women in their 20s.

About 60% of the women I know with children are single mothers.

Some men do want to settle down and have children (the Gentleman's Club has a thread on it) but many others do not. It would seem that more women than men want children.

What do other people think? Is it a good idea for a woman to have a child on her own if she can't find a man who is willing to commit? She could have the child with a willing friend or through a sperm bank.

I think more women know sooner than men know that they want children. I know very few women who change their minds, but many male friends who have said something along the lines of "I didn't really think I'd be having kids before, but now I think I'd like to"

It's something that's on the forefront of women's minds from when they hit puberty and their body reminds them every month that the default condition for a woman is pregnancy.

I have female friends who are on the tail end of fertility and do want to have kids. Yes, it would be great if they could do that with someone, but I suppose if it's such a strong overwhelming desire then why not have a kid on your own?

Itwasntme.

I don't want to have children and I doubt I will change my mind but if I did change my mind, then yes, I would have a child on my own if I couldn't find a willing partner.

username123

+1 to Itwasntme.

I dont think it would be a good idea to have a child with a willing friend. If I were going to have a child alone I would want it to be a totally anonymous donor.

I know a number of single mothers - none of them single parents by choice. I dont know any single fathers (as in, unmarried men with full custody of their child, I did know one, once, but he has since married).

From what I can tell with single mothers where the father is not involved at all (closest to the case of sperm bank), its difficult. Unless there is good family and friends support it seems like it can be quite a lonely existence. And its a lot of responsibility for one person. Harder to meet a new partner as well in some cases (although not in others).

I would applaud any woman who would choose to go it alone, but I think it would be a hard thing to do.

confuseddotcom

Possibly would go it alone. Might have to yet, might have no other choice in the matter. There was a Thread in TLL or elsewhere before and the gist of it seemed to me to be, that girls weren't overly willing to put having children as a high priority simply because of the reason of the biological clock ticktocking. Where-as the Thread in TGC seems to me, to give the gist that guys would be very willing to put have kids first before most other things.

Well they say opposites attract right?!? :pac:

Morag

The Saying 'It takes a Village to raise a Child' it true, so yes there are plenty of single parents out there who are doing a wonderful job but they don't do it alone, they have a support system of family, friends, child minders, ect.

Personally I would never have chosen to be a single parent, but I always knew if I had to be I am blessed with people who would love and support me and my children.

i was raised by a single mom, and lots of my friends are single parents.
in fact i dont know any of my friends that got married first, kids later.

i guess i always just assumed i would have kids, but now, in my late thirties, an one ectopic pregnancy later, single at the moment, i doubt i will ever have one.

but no matter how much i wonder and wish, there is no way i would be a single parent by choice. not unless i win the lotto!!

its just too hard.

DoozerT6

As someone who is pushing 40 and childless, this thought has crossed my mind.

I came to the conclusion that if I remain single and don't find a partner, then I will not have children. I just can't see my self voluntarily or knowingly becoming a single parent. I truly want a partner to share my life, and that would involve having children as part of a couple and sharing that responsibility. Add that to the fact that I live in a small apartment, (in negative equity), and would have no room for a child, and it just doesn't make sense.

It's not a decision that I made lightly and sometimes my heart is heavy, but I think it's the best decision for me.

Legs.Eleven

I wouldn't only because I know I wouldn't be able to handle it on my own. I'd be a useless single mam, I think. Not that kinda woman. I have the utmost respect for all single parents. It takes a certain kinda ballsy, brave person to be one. Perhaps if it worked out that way I'd learn to deal with it but I wouldn't choose that fate for myself.

meeeeh

I agree with that. My partner works a lot. Very often he is up before they are awake and still working long after they are in bed. And it's very hard sometimes. Yet on Sundays or Saturdays I can get an hour in bed when he is minding them or I can pop out without pushing a pram and trying to stop four years old to jump on the road. Bf's family offer great support, it's also great when we visit my parents and they take the kids for couple of hours.

I have huge respect tor single parents. There is nobody to take turns at night if the child is sick. Nobody at home if you need to pop out to a shop to get a carton of milk, nobody to watch kids when you are sick. I admire single parents but I would never want to be one. And I love my family more than anything.

metaoblivia

I actually know someone who got pregnant via an anonymous sperm donor and just had the baby last week. She's 40, has never been married, has no current partner and just wanted a baby. It's a lot of work, especially as she only works part time and doesn't have a whole lot of money. But she seems very happy with her decision.
For me, it's only something I would consider if I felt I was financially stable enough for it. Children and babies in particular are a lot of work, even with a partner. So if I were going it alone, I'd have to be convinced that I had the finances to cover us both, and that includes childcare while I'm at work and all that jazz. I'm 31 and single, so I suppose there's still time for me, but honestly, even now, I look at kids and just think how much of a challenge they are to raise and how costly they are. I thought I'd be more broody at this stage in life, but I'm still of the mindset that if the circumstances are right, then it will happen, and if the circumstances are not right then it won't.

blacklilly

I definitely want to have children, I'll just have to wait and see if I meet someone who I want to have children with. However if I was still single at 35 and my fertile years were disappearing before my eyes I've no doubt I would be sadden and possibly even a little bitter at the thought of not having a child but I would not intentionally bring a child into the world on the basis that the child would never know who their father was (i.e anonymous sperm donation).
The majority of single mothers (with no involvement from the father) did not intend it to be that way.
I believe every child/person has a fundamental right to know who their mother and father is, although I know it doesn't always work out that way. We all inherently want to know where we come from and our roots, to deliberately choose to prevent a person access to this information is not good IMO.

CathyMoran

It is all hypothetical to me as I have two young children that were born to me and my husband in our late 30's. I do know that I always wanted to be a mother and if I had been single and had enough money to support a child I would have gone for it.

username123

blacklilly wrote: »

We all inherently want to know where we come from and our roots, to deliberately choose to prevent a person access to this information is not good IMO.

Dunno how much I agree with this. I know a few adopted people who have absolutely zero interest in finding out who their birth parents are. Even though I do know who my parents were, I cant say I have any particular interest in my "roots" - except maybe to distance myself from them as my family was hugely dysfunctional.

vitani

I'm a single parent. It was partly by choice, I guess, as the father made it very clear from the start that he wanted nothing to do with us but I chose to continue on with the pregnancy anyway.

It is tough, but I'm lucky to have a lot of support which makes it easier. The day to day stuff is fine, especially as I never had any experience of having another parent around to help, so I've nothing to compare it to. But it would be nice to have someone else as invested in your child as you are. I also feel inadequate sometimes as going to places as a 'family day' really just consists of me going somewhere alone with a toddler. And there's the little things too that make it hard - like, I don't have anyone to take photos of me and my daughter. And I feel constantly under obligation to everyone who helps me out in terms of looking after her, which makes me reluctant to ask for help as much as I could. I'm also worried about the future effects on her, and whether not having a father around will cause emotional distress.

Financially, it's tough, and this is probably the biggest difficulty. I'm trying to save up to get my own place, but realistically, this won't happen for years. I also worry that I won't meet anybody, because it's so hard finding the time to have a relationship when you're a single parent, especially when you already feel guilty enough over working full time.

Having said all of that though, if the choice came down to doing what I'm doing or never having children at all, I'd do what I'm doing. It's tough but then, so am I.

Ectoplasm

This is something that I've actually given serious thought to. I'm mid thirties, reasonably financially stable and I do want kids...but I am very much single at the moment with no major inclination to change that status. I am lucky in that I am very close to my family and I know they'd support me 100% if it was something I chose to go ahead with.

I also have a long time friend who, like me, is single by choice but he would love to be a father and has even hinted at co-parenting in the past. Unfortunately, I would worry that that kind of arrangement could end up being very complicated and I think I would lean towards anonymous donation for that reason.

I haven't made a final decision but I do think of it more lately. Should I choose to go ahead with it, I'd hope that my child wouldn't, as mentioned above, feel deprived of knowledge of their father but it is another element to consider. It is a massive decision and one I won't undertake lightly!

LadyMayBelle

Yes, I would. I am in a LT relationship and while I do hope someday we will have children, if we broke up in the morning and I hadnt another partner who wished for kids, I would definetly try a donor. I think it's a gift to be a mother and Id hate not to have the opportunity. So many women have rasied children as lone parents brilliantly.

blacklilly

username123 wrote: »

Dunno how much I agree with this. I know a few adopted people who have absolutely zero interest in finding out who their birth parents are. Even though I do know who my parents were, I cant say I have any particular interest in my "roots" - except maybe to distance myself from them as my family was hugely dysfunctional.

Depending of the country these children were adopted from they should have access to certain information regarding their parents (or just their mother perhaps). I think sometimes we under estimate how important it is for a child to know their father. Now I know there are bad fathers etc (as there are bad mothers) but that doesn't negate the fact that a child has a right to know who their parents are.
I know I'll probably get hammered for saying this but I think its somewhat selfish to delibertly choose to have a child through say annoyomous sperm donation. I would like to reiterate that what I am saying is not directed towards any single mother (or parent for that matter), I am specifically talking about where the absolute intention is for the child to never have access to their fathers information.

username123

blacklilly wrote: »

Depending of the country these children were adopted from they should have access to certain information regarding their parents (or just their mother perhaps). I think sometimes we under estimate how important it is for a child to know their father. Now I know there are bad fathers etc (as there are bad mothers) but that doesn't negate the fact that a child has a right to know who their parents are.

They point I was making is that they are not interested in finding out the information - they dont want to know.

blacklilly wrote: »

I know I'll probably get hammered for saying this but I think its somewhat selfish to delibertly choose to have a child through say annoyomous sperm donation. I would like to reiterate that what I am saying is not directed towards any single mother (or parent for that matter), I am specifically talking about where the absolute intention is for the child to never have access to their fathers information.

I cant agree with the above. So long as a child is raised with love and respect in a nurturing environment (of any parentage - single mother, single father, heterosexual couple, homosexual couple), I dont think its particularly relevant where the biological material came from.

blacklilly

username123 wrote: »

I cant agree with the above. So long as a child is raised with love and respect in a nurturing environment (of any parentage - single mother, single father, heterosexual couple, homosexual couple), I dont think its particularly relevant where the biological material came from.

Ok, you're obviously entitled to your opinion on this but even for basic health reasons (putting beside any emotional reasons) it is important to know the medical health of our parents

eviltwin

I don't think I would.

Maybe its because I have kids and I know the work that goes into raising them. Its hard even when you have someone sharing it, I can't imagine what it must be like to be solely responsible. I'm a bit too selfish to take on that by myself, I love my "me time" too much. Its great to be able to go off for the day or the night knowing the kids are with their dad. I wouldn't have the family support to fall back on so if I did it alone I would be totally on my own.

I don't think its selfish to have a child without a partner and I think I would rather have a father who was a donor than one who just didn't give enough of a damn about me to stick around.

pwurple

I wouldn't.

I wouldn't chose to raise a child alone. I'd cope if it happened, but I wouldn't chose it.

I think I might end up resenting the child at some point for the lack of freedom which would ensure. Not all children get along with their parents all the time. There's a lot of heartache when kids get to being teenagers and everything is thrown in your face... it's not going to be a series of glossy scenes from The Gilmore Girls.

meeeeh

I'm thinking that a lot of people who have kids wouldn't do it on their own if they had a choice. I'm sure none of us would give them back but it is hard work.

username123

blacklilly wrote: »

Ok, you're obviously entitled to your opinion on this but even for basic health reasons (putting beside any emotional reasons) it is important to know the medical health of our parents

Is this really important though? My parents both died in an accident (they werent old) and I dont really know their medical history, its never been an issue for me. Ive told doctors that I dont know if there is x,y or z in the family history and they just shrug.

I can see how its useful alright, but its not necessary.

donaghgirl

im a single mother, of 3 kids, and im having my fourth, yet again on my own.i didnt plan the pregnancy, i dont depend on others for support or help as they are my responsibility. the 3 i have are perfectly fine without their fathers involved. unfortunately the one im having now was from an illegal immigrant(who lied to me about his status?) ,he was since caught and returned to his country, but has threatened to come bk n take me to court , to either let him bk in the country , or he wants my baby in his country, so i really wish i had kept my mouth shut and never told him about the baby, as i now have the stress of being a single mum to cope with and the threat of abduction in future,what a mess! i would say chose the father carefully if u choose to go it alone!

blacklilly

username123 wrote: »

Is this really important though? My parents both died in an accident (they werent old) and I dont really know their medical history, its never been an issue for me. Ive told doctors that I dont know if there is x,y or z in the family history and they just shrug.

I can see how its useful alright, but its not necessary.

I'm sorry to hear about your parents. My point I suppose is that you have the chance to get to know your parents, you knew who your mother and your father was and becuase of that I'm gusessing you also know your relatives etc.
We all have a father and mother, that will never change. I am just not comfortable with the idea of choosing to ensure that your child never knows who their father is. We complain so often about men who don't take responsibility, yet in ways we are now delibertly taking the responsibility away from them.

eviltwin

blacklilly wrote: »

I'm sorry to hear about your parents. My point I suppose is that you have the chance to get to know your parents, you knew who your mother and your father was and becuase of that I'm gusessing you also know your relatives etc.
We all have a father and mother, that will never change. I am just not comfortable with the idea of choosing to ensure that your child never knows who their father is. We complain so often about men who don't take responsibility, yet in ways we are now delibertly taking the responsibility away from them.

Donors make that choice to donate. They know they are not going to have a relationship with their child. Its not comparable to men who are denied access to their kids. Also its not just single people who have babies via donors, many couples who have trouble conceiving need to resort to egg or sperm donations.

blacklilly

eviltwin wrote: »

Donors make that choice to donate. They know they are not going to have a relationship with their child. Its not comparable to men who are denied access to their kids. Also its not just single people who have babies via donors, many couples who have trouble conceiving need to resort to egg or sperm donations.

I'm just trying to stay on topic, i.e "would you have a child on your own".
I am aware the donors know what they are entering into however thechild has no choice on the matter, they are being born into a world where they will never know who their father is due to the decision made by their mother, this is my main point.

seenitall

A single mother here, not by choice. While I wouldn't change my little one for the world (and so I wouldn't change the circumstances that brought her into my life), I wouldn't like to go through the same thing again. The first years were very tough, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I felt exhausted and vulnerable. I clearly remember a moment of epiphany: "Oh, I see now, this is why people do it in pairs."

^^ And this is all with my child's father in the picture, seeing her regularly (granted, though, I've no other family here).

I really haven't a clue how people who parent all alone cope with it all.

There is also a change in status that happens and that needs mental adjustment. You have gone from being either a single woman, or sometimes a coupled-up woman, (as in my case), i.e. a 'normal' person, to something outside the norm, a single mum. It's a huge change, people start feeling sorry for you, you can see it in their eyes. You can be as strong as an ox, but this will get to you, it will affect your self-perception.

Things are much better now, she is a bit older now (7 soon) and everything starts to get easier, logistics, communication, everything; and I finally feel that I can reclaim a bit of my old life back, particularly the social aspect of it, going out a bit more, just doing my own thing and not feeling guilty about it, that sort of thing.

I'd love to give her a sibling but it is, of course, due to biological realities, looking less likely the older I get; and "you can't hurry love, you just have to wait..." so this seems to be it (that is, unless there is some kind of miracle - which it would have to be, considering my romantic track record - in store, in the relatively near future, lol).

I'm all for donor sperm and eggs for the people who feel it is the right choice for them, however for myself, I wouldn't go near it, and I'll tell you why not. A few years ago, when I was at an all time low (see first paragraph), I committed the stupidity of going into online dating in that state of mind. Needless to say, it turned out to be a catalogue of disasters, however it was a sharp learning curve. One of the guys that I met turned out to be an obsessive, stalkerish nutter, texting, calling, e-mailing, sending gifts, long, long after we were as done as done can be (this only became apparent when I broke up with him though; he wasn't the worst of them btw, but this time I'll stick with his cheering tale ); I inadvertently discovered that he was into all kinds of weirdness in the bedroom dept, which he had carefully hidden from me, so all in all, the 'relationship' didn't last long. The point is though, that, by his own admission, he was a sperm donor. There are most probably his babies out there somewhere, despite the fact that this is a weirdo with a capital W, and I hate to say it but I wouldn't wish him on any sane woman. I most certainly would not want to have a child with his DNA. I'm sorry if this may come across as callous or insensitive, but the mere thought fills me with claustrophobic dread.

I guess I am lucky enough to be able to muse thus, when I did have my baby with the man who I did love at the time, and who I fancied the pants off; he is not a good 'husband material' (as I found out) but he did turn out to be a good father material, in addition to being tall, handsome and smart as a whip. No regrets there, none at all. Even with all the siht that went on between us.

DNA matters. (At least it does to me.)

If I ever have another baby, I want that experience again: love, attraction, passion, wanting to procreate with that particular man because no-one else will do. I deserve that, a good man deserves that, and a baby deserves that.

If I can't have that, then I won't have another child.

username123

blacklilly wrote: »

I'm sorry to hear about your parents. My point I suppose is that you have the chance to get to know your parents, you knew who your mother and your father was and becuase of that I'm gusessing you also know your relatives etc.
We all have a father and mother, that will never change. I am just not comfortable with the idea of choosing to ensure that your child never knows who their father is. We complain so often about men who don't take responsibility, yet in ways we are now delibertly taking the responsibility away from them.

Actually, I dont really know my relations. I have no relationship with any of them. I certainly dont know any of their medical histories!

Just as an aside, I dont know how much information is provided with sperm donation, it might be the case that you get some medical history? And the donors do choose to donate, they know that they will not be involved later. A woman is not taking the responsibility away from them. Children have no choice about anything to do with their parentage - we are all accidents of biology in that sense.

Id rather if I knew that my father was an anonymous sperm donor than some waster who just ran off and left my mother pregnant with no forwarding address if you know what I mean.

MurdyWurdy

No, I wouldn't do it by myself. I had a difficult first few months of pregnancy and tbh, couldn't look after myself at all. My husband did everything, including putting me in the shower and washing me because I just couldn't do it myself sometimes. I had to give up work at about 5 months pregnant. If that's what I'm like when pregnant then it just makes me think how difficult it would be do to by yourself and how much I wouldn't like it or be any good at it. My hat goes off to single parents out there who do do it by themselves. It must be very difficult and they have my utmost respect.

In saying that, I didn't know pregnancy would be like that before getting pregnant so maybe if you had asked me this questions 9 months ago I might have given a different answer and felt more capable of being pregnant and raising a child alone.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Das Kitty

I have one child and another on the way and I would never have chosen to do it on my own.

I never had a huge drive to get pregnant and have babies in the way that my friends speak about, but I did want to have a family with my husband and that means doing the pregnancy/baby thing.

I don't have a huge support structure. Yes, the grandparents don't mind taking care of our little guy from time to time, but most of the time my husband and I are on our own. Even when our guy was first born, there were very few offers to take him for an hour or two, or offers of meals. Not that I would expect that really, but I've seen others get that from their nearest and dearest since, and I've provided it for friends myself.

Even though I am married and my husband is very involved, I did find having a small child incredibly isolating. I can only imagine how much worse it would have been had I been on my own.

LadyMayBelle

Youve put a different stint on this for me Das Kitty, yesterday I said 'yes, yes, I would etc' but I thought about it in more depth last night and seeing your post reminded me. I dont really have anyone over here that I could call on, and even though Id hope that having a child might open my circle to meeting other mums, I couldnt gaurantee. Food for thought.

Emme

seenitall wrote: »

There is also a change in status that happens and that needs mental adjustment. You have gone from being either a single woman, or sometimes a coupled-up woman, (as in my case), i.e. a 'normal' person, to something outside the norm, a single mum. It's a huge change, people start feeling sorry for you, you can see it in their eyes. You can be as strong as an ox, but this will get to you, it will affect your self-perception.

Thanks for all the interesting replies everyone. This one stood out because the poster considers herself outside the norm on account of being a single mum. This is sad, I think she is far from being outside the norm. How dare people feel sorry for her, they should mind their own business if they're not going to do something useful!

I think that being single after a certain age or divorced is viewed with the same type of pity - for some people the only "norm" for a woman over 35 is to be married with children.

I actually think that being a single mum is becoming the norm. Here's an article from the Daily Mail. It's not the best of sources but it reflects the topic here:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2333553/Rise-single-mother-As-women-say-consider-solo-parenthood-meet-moms-making-new-normal.html

CathyMoran

I personally think that it is possible with one but if you are lucky enough to have twins I imagine that it would be difficult. Also, you would have to make sure that you had enough money to do it - children are very expensive and childcare in Ireland is very dear. Children get lots of bugs in their first few years and you would need to alllow for taking days off randomy if they are excluded from childcare due to illnesses such as conjunctivitis etc...you can also expect lack of sleep for a few years due to children waking up at night - we still have not got past that stage...

Having said that I love them and they have made me happier than I could ever imagine but I have a great very supportive spouse,

clairefontaine

I dont want to be nitpicky but there is a considerable difference between being a single parent where the parents are unmarried but both involved and a very very single parent where the child has no contact with the other parent. Its not just that there is no division of labour (Or arguments over decisions depending on how you look at it) but also a lot of wound licking and tough questions to answer, particularly around identity and why they only have one parent.

It can be painfull.

wolfpawnat

I am pregnant with no2 and I am 90-95% of the time on my own. My partner is always studying or doing work experience, often away for over a week at a time. Neither child planned and absolutely toss all of a support network. No family in Leinster, let alone Dublin and we are lucky to get an hour or two while I went for a scan and other than that, my partner has not been to a single appointment with me. He has been gone for two weeks and only saw him for a few hours last weekend because we made the trip to him.

I have to say at the moment it is very hard as I am so tired and a 4 yo is energy zapping. But overall I cope alright when on my own. Probably better than when himself is here most times, but that said, when we get time together, he is a great father.

Most single mom's I know have support networks, if not with family then with friends. But I cannot imagine for one minute it is easy. Even though it is seldom, I still have daddy here late at night if needed.

His sister is 20 years older than him and was considering for a while having children via donor, only her bítch of a mother talked her out of it, same as talking her out of good relationships (interfering cow) I personally think there is only one person can make that choice and that is the person themselves. Some women want kids, some want them only under certain conditions (financially stable, married, etc) some never want them. If I come to my late 30's and one of my best friends comes to me saying she is going it alone with a donor or if she is made a single mom by other means, I would nigh on move her in with us to help. Support is essential.

Da Shins Kelly

I think I could cope if it happened accidentally, but I wouldn't choose it. I have never been one of those people who dreamed of having a big family and the whole lot, but if the right person came along I think I would probably have children. It's not something I want so badly though that I would choose to go it alone no matter what.

iguana

Like Cathy, it's hypothetical to me as I am married with a child but if things had worked out differently then yes, I absolutely would have had a child alone if that was what felt like my only option. I don't think I could have been truly happy in life if I hadn't become a mother. Right now I'm 95% a single mother in practical terms as my husband was in a bad car crash 3 months ago and needed/still needs quite a bit of treatment and as a result is living with his parents in Dublin while I live in Limerick with our son. When I do see him, tbh, it's a lot more work than when I'm alone. On the otherhand my parents are nearby, so they help me out a lot but at night or when they are away, which they are every second weekend, it's all down to me and while it's very, very tiring (especially as my baby is at the point where he can't yet crawl but wants me to help him stand and bounce all the time) I know that even if I had to do it alone for the next 20 years, it would be worth it as I'm happier and more content than I've ever been.

inocybe

iguana wrote: »

Like Cathy, it's hypothetical to me as I am married with a child but if things had worked out differently then yes, I absolutely would have had a child alone if that was what felt like my only option. I don't think I could have been truly happy in life if I hadn't become a mother. Right now I'm 95% a single mother in practical terms as my husband was in a bad car crash 3 months ago and needed/still needs quite a bit of treatment and as a result is living with his parents in Dublin while I live in Limerick with our son. When I do see him, tbh, it's a lot more work than when I'm alone. On the otherhand my parents are nearby, so they help me out a lot but at night or when they are away, which they are every second weekend, it's all down to me and while it's very, very tiring (especially as my baby is at the point where he can't yet crawl but wants me to help him stand and bounce all the time) I know that even if I had to do it alone for the next 20 years, it would be worth it as I'm happier and more content than I've ever been.

sorry about your husband, and hope he gets well soon. However being a lone parent is not just about doing all the childcare yourself. The mental aspect can be much worse, it's the emotional support that makes all the difference in the world. Being able to discuss your child, solve his problems, celebrate his achievements with someone who loves him as much as you. It can be soul-destroying to go through everything alone.

hedgehog2

A child needs both a male and female to rear them in my opinion.
If the influence is balanced the child will be guided with the knowledge from both parents and take these into their character.
Its very hard for a single male or female to equal this balance.
I do feel sorry for single parents as they must shoulder the entire burden of parenthood and anyone choosing to have a child on their own is really asking for one huge challenge that not everyone is capable of pulling off successfully regardless of money.

clairefontaine

inocybe wrote: »

sorry about your husband, and hope he gets well soon. However being a lone parent is not just about doing all the childcare yourself. The mental aspect can be much worse, it's the emotional support that makes all the difference in the world. Being able to discuss your child, solve his problems, celebrate his achievements with someone who loves him as much as you. It can be soul-destroying to go through everything alone.

Yes very much so. Its also very sad when they dont know what they look like or their names are or their profession and cant participate in school conversations and projects around family and heritage.

The division of labour and finance is a huge aspect to it of course, but the psychological and social outputs of single parenting to both parent and child are hard to imagine unless you are walking that path.

Also if the child has conflict with the parent they have no one to go to for help or an outside perspective. If your parents are divorced you can call up dad and offload but if its just you and mom you are stuck handling it alone. Big burden for a kid.

hedgehog21

Hope your hubby is better soon.
I could never do it, partly cause I don't want to have kids but if I ever changed my mind I want it to be a stable happy relationship and I just haven't found that yet.

ash23

I'm a single parent. I would love another child but I wouldn't have one again by myself for a number of reasons.

I had a tough pregnancy, missed work a lot. It was a huge financial strain and it was very stressful even though I had the support of my family.

The early days were a nightmare. Doing ALL the nights and days by myself, being 100% responsible for this little baby.....it's scary, exhausting and I had a lot of complications after the birth so I wasn't in the whole of my health for it.

It's isolating. Baby/child goes to bed at 7pm and that's it. You're in for the night. Alone. You can't go to the shop or for a walk. You can't visit friends or go out. If you want to then you have to arrange sitters or friends to call over to you. It gets very lonely and very depressing.

As she got older I went back to work. Trying to pay decent childcare and provide a home and everything a child needs on one wage is really tough. You'd need a really good salary not to struggle.
Kids get more expensive when they get older too. You go from being able to buy a little outfit for a tenner to having a pair of decent shoes cost 50 or 60 quid. My girl is now in womens shoe sizes and it's a big shock to the system.

You feel damned a lot of the time. If you work, you're missing out on a lot of time with them. I almost lost my last job because I couldn't and wouldn't do overtime. I felt that my daughter had one parent who was working full time, she was at enough of a loss without not having me in the evening and weekends too. I found another job which is far more family friendly. But I still miss things like sports day, bake sales etc. I just don't have enough time off to make everything and I know it bothers her sometimes.

I was diagnosed with MS recently and now I am worried for her future. As she is an only child, I worry about how I will provide for her to go to college. I worry she will feel obliged to look after me and will be afraid to leave me on my own.

I am also aware that the rejection by her father might very well impact on her as she gets older. I was rejected by my father and I know I never had the same self esteem and confidence as other girls my age who had doting daddies. I think a lot of self worth, especially regarding men, comes from a father figure. My daughter doesn't have that and while I try to instill confidence and self worth, I do worry about what she will be like as a teen.


So the long and short of it is, being a single parent is do-able and probably preferable to not having any children for those who want them. But it's not easy or straightforward and there are a lot of things to be considered.

iguana

inocybe wrote: »

sorry about your husband, and hope he gets well soon. However being a lone parent is not just about doing all the childcare yourself. The mental aspect can be much worse, it's the emotional support that makes all the difference in the world. Being able to discuss your child, solve his problems, celebrate his achievements with someone who loves him as much as you. It can be soul-destroying to go through everything alone.

That's why I said on a practical level, I know there is a difference on other levels. Though even if he wasn't there at all, I'd have my parents to share all that. They are incredibly hands on in that way (and even though that can sometimes be a mixed blessing) I know that if I had made a decision to have a child alone, I'd have them to share the child's life with.

lazygal

No, I wouldn't plan to have a child on my own. I know things can happen but it wouldn't be a conscious choice. I knew I wanted children, but I also knew I wanted to be married to someone who wanted them too. We had a baby after just over a year of marriage.

I didn't find it too hard, but that's due to the fact we're joint parents. I know some women who are single parents in all but name (husband working away, working long hours or plain not contributing to parenting) and I would have found that very difficult. I wouldn't and don't expect my parents to pick up the slack - I feel they have raised their family and to expect them to give me dig outs because of a choice I made is something I'd think was very selfish. I've seen grandparents taken for a complete ride by single and non single parents, and we are very aware that our children are our responsibility, sure its lovely to have the extended family around but for fun, not the hard graft of child rearing.

I think I've found going back to work a lot easier knowing we can work out childcare between the two of us - we do an early morning/early pick up system that means both of us are able to work fulltime. I like that I can head out for a night knowing we don't have to organise babysitters, and he can keep up with his friends. Financially I'd have found things a lot tougher too. I have a good, secure, fairly well paid job but I'd be up **** creek money wise if I was paying the full whack myself.

No I wouldn't do it by choice. I am married with a young child and support is invaluable IMO.
Some get it from parents and other family.
Others pay for cleaners, crèches, minders etc. But mums need support, whether it's paid for or not.

One child is manageable in terms of getting time out from parenting but two or more change that.

hairyprincess

I'm another single parent. I went from being single to being married to back to being single and I'm now in a relationship again.

The father of my eldest refused to be involved, and still does eleven years later. This breaks my heart. And as she gets older it gets harder. I'm afraid that they will never get the chance to know each other. That he will always ignore her existence, or he will die and she will never get the opportunity to have a relationship with him, or to make the choice not to. It kills me that someone who has no involvement in her life has such an influence in it; in that, because he is not around it has clouded her judgement of men.

So with the knowledge that he wasn't going to be around (but always hoping he would) I chose to go it alone.

Years later I met a man and got married, a bit too hurriedly. The marriage ended on a sour note when I was in the early stages of pregnancy with my second child. We went to marriage counselling and it made me realise that our marriage was not going to be saved. So again, I chose to go it alone. He's involved in our childs life and we have a functional relationship.

My current relationship is a guy my own age (mid thirties), no major relationship history to speak of. He was coming into the relationship with no baggage while I carried the history of failed relationships/marriage, 2 kids and all the associated difficulties. It frightened him at first, so much so that we broke up for nine months but we are back together almost a year and we, and the kids are very happy.

The day to day stuff with the kids is difficult. I come from a big family but we wouldn't be close. So it's hard to get babysitters at times. Currently I'm a full time student (on summer holidays at the moment, yay!) and I have a babysitter nearby who is happy to take what payment I can afford to give her. I try to do whatever I need to do alone while the kids are at school. The youngest is in playschool at the moment so she's only in until 12.30 any day. Though she will be starting big school in Sept so it'll make life a bit easier.

While some people would find my life difficult, it's grand for me. It is what it is, and I just get on with it. I'm a strong person, and I will do whatever I need to do to make sure my kids aren't marginalised because of my and my exes choices.

iguana

lazygal wrote: »

I wouldn't and don't expect my parents to pick up the slack - I feel they have raised their family and to expect them to give me dig outs because of a choice I made is something I'd think was very selfish. I've seen grandparents taken for a complete ride by single and non single parents, and we are very aware that our children are our responsibility, sure its lovely to have the extended family around but for fun, not the hard graft of child rearing.

I'm not talking about my parents doing childcare. Just emotional support. I never ask anyone to look after my son as I have no need nor desire to be away for him. If I'm at their house or they're at mine obviously I might ask them to watch him while I use the bathroom/hang out washing. My mum and I walk all of our dogs together so one of us can control the dogs, while the other pushes the pram, which is a big help as I'd find dog and pram walks difficult. And we often go shopping together or they throw my name in the pot if I'm at their house. So there is some practical help certainly but no taking advantage. What is a huge help is that they love him and have a huge interest in him, almost as much as I do. My mother will remind me about something I might have been thinking of doing with him. Both my parents are as excited as I am if he learns a new skill.

lazygal

iguana wrote: »

I'm not talking about my parents doing childcare. Just emotional support. I never ask anyone to look after my son as I have no need nor desire to be away for him. If I'm at their house or they're at mine obviously I might ask them to watch him while I use the bathroom/hang out washing. My mum and I walk all of our dogs together so one of us can control the dogs, while the other pushes the pram, which is a big help as I'd find dog and pram walks difficult. And we often go shopping together or they throw my name in the pot if I'm at their house. So there is some practical help certainly but no taking advantage. What is a huge help is that they love him and have a huge interest in him, almost as much as I do. My mother will remind me about something I might have been thinking of doing with him. Both my parents are as excited as I am if he learns a new skill.

I am talking about childcare, and as I said, parents who take advantage. I see it in my extended family, where grandparents are run ragged and won't say no even though they aren't able for it because adult children won't make other arrangements. My mum was and is great at giving me a hand on occasion and taking the baby for the odd afternoon to give me a breather, but no way would I expect anything more than that - a lot of parents seem to think their extended families should contribute big time and I don't like that mentality. I'm talking more about using grandparents for long term full or part time childcare - I think the emotions can be played upon big time.