predicament

LegacyUser

I met a wonderful woman online a few months ago. We hit it off immediately and exchanged emails for a few weeks before calling each other. We've a lot in common and within no time we became very good friends. She sent me photos and looked beautiful in them. I couldn't believe my luck.
Last week we eventually got to meet as she had been putting it off for quite some time. While she did look like her photos from the neck up, she was carrying a few extra pounds. Easily a stone overweight and I felt a bit betrayed as she had always given me the impression she was quite fit etc. She did comment that she it trying to lose weight and that it was put on during a difficult time in her life last year. I feel I've been put in a corner as we've been corresponding so long, it's awkward now to tell her that I feel let down by her figure. I could give her a month or so to lose the weight as she claims she's trying to but it would be even more difficult then to leave after that. It's a shame because everything else was so perfect. I'm not really sure what to do. Advice anybody?

anewme

"I could give her a month or so to lose the weight as she claims she's trying to"

You are not even in a proper relationship with this woman and you think you are in the position to give ultimatums?

P. Breathnach

Walk away now.

For her sake.

JustAThought

You're not in a relationship. You had a pen-pal.

Now you've seen her body you've decided you don't like or want her anymore.

What a waste & disappointment . For her.

Havermeyer

As has been said already, you're better off ending it now if you feel this way.

And, while she may not have been entirely truthful with you, your attitude isn't entirely stellar either.

I wouldn't be expecting too much sympathy, if I were you.

miamee

Is she no longer a beautiful, wonderful woman who you have lots in common with? Because you used all of those words to describe her above.

While I understand you are a little disappointed, one stone is not a huge amount so she can't be enormous compared to what you expected. If you genuinely think the size of her bum/tum is more important than her being wonderful and beautiful (your words) then as others have said, probably best to walk away so she is free to meet someone else.

ToffeeT

Shallow hal eat your heart out, you're not interested in her just in her looks, leave her be and let her find someone who's looking for a relationship not a trophy.

judgefudge

Couple of the above posts seem a little harsh. It's understandable that you are disappointed and feel a bit led on.

When it comes down to it you're not attracted to her (her body anyway). That's ok. What's not ok is getting into any kind of relationship with her in the hopes that she'll lose the weight. It just won't work and it'll be painful all around.

You may be corresponding for months but you are not in a relationship with this person, and you do not have any obligation to be. My best advice would be to just tell her you don't feel any chemistry (don't say why) and that it would be best to remain friends.

DoozerT6

miamee wrote: »

one stone is not a huge amount so she can't be enormous compared to what you expected.

Exactly. Honestly, you must be into very slim ladies if you think one extra stone on a person who was previously slim/average, is overweight. If it is, to your eyes, then you've obviously learned a lesson about yourself and what your expectations are and work from there. I

But if you really like this woman as a person, look around at some of the really grossly overweight people out there who have partners. How does she compare physically to them? Which would you, personally, rather have as your partner?

Having a few curves is not overweight, gertall. And if you do decide to end things with her, for God's sake DON'T tell her it's about her weight. No girl needs to hear that!!!!! Just tell her you didn't feel a spark when ye actually met up.

missjm

You met last week? How have things been since? Surely ye have made contact since then? I completely agree that if you're not attracted to her now then you shouldn't proceed (not romantically anyway).
Don't be shocked if she's not disappointed though. Women pick up on these things fairly quick and there's a good chance you gave off signals when you met her. There's also the chance she didn't find that you were all she hoped you'd be.

judgefudge

DoozerT6 wrote: »

Exactly. Honestly, you must be into very slim ladies if you think one extra stone on a person who was previously slim/average, is overweight. If it is, to your eyes, then you've obviously learned a lesson about yourself and what your expectations are and work from there.

Having a few curves is not overweight, gertall. And if you do decide to end things with her, for God's sake DON'T tell her it's about her weight. No girl needs to hear that!!!!! Just tell her you didn't feel a spark when ye actually met up.

To be fair the OP said she's "easily a stone overweight". Not that she had curves, that she's overweight. I myself am not that attracted to men who are overweight. It's physically more appealing for some people to have a partner who is physically fit. A stone overweight is substantial enough to put someone off. I have curves and I'm not overweight. I hate that excuse.

All he's saying here is that he is disappointed, she led him on and made him think she was smaller. Which happens a lot on the Internet.

I don't think you are to blame here OP. but since you don't fancy her, don't settle for her.

Stavro Mueller

Besides, any woman who is carrying more weight than she'd like to is well aware of the fact. It wouldn't surprise me if she was wishing she was that stone lighter all week. She probably has figured out that it's a deal breaker by now anyway. Don't be cruel. Just tell her you don't think it's going to work and leave it at that.

LegacyUser

I think some of you are misreading what I am saying.
I am normally attracted to women who are around a size UK 10. This woman when she turned up was at least a 12. I can't change what I'm attracted to.
However, I am making allowances given that she admitted she was slightly larger than I expected and is trying to do something about it.
I just feel if I dropped her now and she does lose weight, I could be cutting my nose off to spite my face and regret it. I don't want to think I passed up on a potential stunner.
She oozes of personality and is very very sweet.

blatantrereg

I've met a few women online. Most of them turned out to be heavier than in their photos. Even ones who were probably bang on ideal weight or a little under in person. I would pretty much assume that they would be heavier than in pics if I were you and meeting someone again.

Your problem isn't to do with being superficial or whatever. The problem is that you've bought into the idea of a relationship with her prematurely by the sounds of things. You can't really know what someone is like from online correspondence alone, and you can't really know whether there would be chemistry between you without meeting in person either.

If you're not attracted to her then leave it off. Never stay with someone just because you hope they might change, or think you can change them. It's not cruel to ditch her because she's chunky. She put herself in that position by pretending not to be chunky. And I agree it was deceitful of her to take things to the stage where you seem to have really bought into the idea of being with her, before revealing she does not look like her pics. Personally I would feel manipulated and tricked in your position; certainly not like I needed to apologise for anything if I just walked away.

If some guy put pics up of himself 10 years ago, everybody would criticise him for it. But everybody has to be so precious about women and their weight. It's nonsense. In very occasional cases there are medical reasons for being overweight. But almost everyone who is overweight is just a bit too indulgent of themselves at the end of the day. It's not something you have to ignore when it comes to personal relationships, and deceit is certainly not something to ignore either.

judgefudge

gertall wrote: »

I think some of you are misreading what I am saying.
I am normally attracted to women who are around a size UK 10. This woman when she turned up was at least a 12. I can't change what I'm attracted to.
However, I am making allowances given that she admitted she was slightly larger than I expected and is trying to do something about it.
I just feel if I dropped her now and she does lose weight, I could be cutting my nose off to spite my face and regret it. I don't want to think I passed up on a potential stunner.
She oozes of personality and is very very sweet.

Well ok I have to inform you that a size 12 is a healthy weight, not "easily a stone overweight". So your OP was misleading.

And if you don't fancy this woman because she's one dress size bigger than you usually like then you obviously don't care about her personality that much.

Let her go

CaraMay

If she is petite then a size 12 is very highly likely overweight.

People can debate what's overweight or not for weeks but the problem is the op doesn't fancy her. All he needs to do is finish with her and move on.

username123

gertall wrote: »

I think some of you are misreading what I am saying.
I am normally attracted to women who are around a size UK 10. This woman when she turned up was at least a 12. I can't change what I'm attracted to.
However, I am making allowances given that she admitted she was slightly larger than I expected and is trying to do something about it.
I just feel if I dropped her now and she does lose weight, I could be cutting my nose off to spite my face and regret it. I don't want to think I passed up on a potential stunner.
She oozes of personality and is very very sweet.

And what if she dropped that stone, stayed the "stunner" for a year, and then slowly gained it, and more again?

If you base a relationship on what someone looks like or an ideal you want them to look like you will be sorely disappointed. Beauty fades, people age, bodies change with childbirth, illness, menopause, infirmity. You will never be happy if thats all you base a relationship on. It will be a constant disappointment.

I think the lady in question would be better off with someone who likes her for who she IS not what she looks like.

Stavro Mueller

gertall wrote: »

I think some of you are misreading what I am saying.
I am normally attracted to women who are around a size UK 10. This woman when she turned up was at least a 12. I can't change what I'm attracted to.
However, I am making allowances given that she admitted she was slightly larger than I expected and is trying to do something about it.
I just feel if I dropped her now and she does lose weight, I could be cutting my nose off to spite my face and regret it. I don't want to think I passed up on a potential stunner.
She oozes of personality and is very very sweet.

Fair enough - you like what you like and nobody should condemn you for that.

But you do sound somewhat superficial. Let's say she does shed the weight and turns into the stunner you so desire. Then down the line she gets pregnant and doesn't get back to being the size you want for a while? Or if she gets older and has trouble keeping her figure or gets saggy boobs. What then?

Chucky the tree

Get rid OP. Being overweight I think is a huge turn off. Not just looks wise either. Also she has said she knows she's been overweight for a year so giving her a month to lose it probably won't make any difference. The fact she's still overweight after at least a year should tell you everything you need to know.

judgefudge

CaraMay wrote: »

If she is petite then a size 12 is very highly likely overweight.

She'd have to be pretty small. I'm 5'6 (just above average height for a woman), size 12 and my BMI is 22.5. Well within the healthy range. I'm not saying it's impossible that she's overweight, but on average size 12 women aren't. And even if she is, I seriously doubt it's more than a stone overweight.

To be honest the OP just sounds like he wants a "stunner" and her personality is secondary.

Esoteric_

OP, don't bother making allowances and waiting to see if she loses the weight.

She might lose it, but then a few years down the line, she might gain it back. She might get a few wrinkles, a few stretch marks from losing/gaining weight, etc.

You're not attracted to her. 1 stone is not a huge amount of weight to either lose or gain. If she gained it back, a year from now, would you dump her or decide that you're once again not attracted to her?

Leave her to find somebody who appreciates her as she is and doesn't intend to wait and see if she loses weight.

I'm a size 14, and was previously a size 24. I'm still losing weight, and my goal weight will have me at in or around a size 10. However, if I was dating somebody and found out that they were waiting for me to hit that size 10 target, I'd dump them in a heartbeat. If somebody wants me, they can fancy me as I am now, or I don't want them.

Waiting around to see if she loses weight is just a kick in the teeth to her. It's like saying 'you're not good enough unless you're thin.'

And if she's a size 12, unless she's around 5 feet tall, I doubt she's 'easily a stone overweight.'

newuser30

OP are you very much into fitness? Most men wouldn't notice a stone or the difference of 1 dress size on a woman unless they are very fit and toned themselves. Im struggling to understand your fixation on her weight because it doesn't sound that much, so it must of been very obvious, was she wearing something very unflattering for her shape? Has the weight collected on one area and looks disproportionate? It could of been something as simple as wrong choice of outfit. I think you are being very shallow.

However if you are very fit,then you aren't going to be attracted to someone is not, you won't be a good match, so let her go find someone who isn't so critical of her body.

ToffeeT

gertall wrote: »

I think some of you are misreading what I am saying.
I am normally attracted to women who are around a size UK 10. This woman when she turned up was at least a 12. I can't change what I'm attracted to.
However, I am making allowances given that she admitted she was slightly larger than I expected and is trying to do something about it.
I just feel if I dropped her now and she does lose weight, I could be cutting my nose off to spite my face and regret it. I don't want to think I passed up on a potential stunner.
She oozes of personality and is very very sweet.

I think you're just trolling, there's only a few inches in the difference, seriously if you think a size 12 is over weight you need your head examined.

Taltos

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beks101

Women lie about their weight, men lie about their height, Online Dating 101.

I don't get why you're putting so much stock on this one - so you're not attracted to her, why not just move on and learn a lesson from it, instead of creating imaginative ultimatums and conditions for pursuing things further.

There are a million and one people I *could* be attracted to if they had a better sense of humour, were taller, had a different build etc...I won't be sticking around to "try to change" any of them, aside from how obviously arrogant that is, it's also futile. You either fancy her as she is now, or you don't.

If you don't, you walk away. And next time, don't wait so long before you meet someone.

jimd2

gertall wrote: »

I met a wonderful woman online a few months ago. We hit it off immediately and exchanged emails for a few weeks before calling each other. We've a lot in common and within no time we became very good friends. She sent me photos and looked beautiful in them. I couldn't believe my luck.
Last week we eventually got to meet as she had been putting it off for quite some time. While she did look like her photos from the neck up, she was carrying a few extra pounds. Easily a stone overweight and I felt a bit betrayed as she had always given me the impression she was quite fit etc. She did comment that she it trying to lose weight and that it was put on during a difficult time in her life last year. I feel I've been put in a corner as we've been corresponding so long, it's awkward now to tell her that I feel let down by her figure. I could give her a month or so to lose the weight as she claims she's trying to but it would be even more difficult then to leave after that. It's a shame because everything else was so perfect. I'm not really sure what to do. Advice anybody?

Troll.

kathy2

Imagine if she said yeah okay I don't like him because of some tiny negotiable flaw real or imaginary like your personality!!!

Taltos

jimd2 - please refer to our charter and site faq. It is considered a breach to accuse an OP of being a troll. We have very clear guidelines on what to do but posting as you have done is considered off topic and is an actionable post which can and does regularly result in bans being issued.

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fermanagh_man

Your best bet is to stay friends, providing her feelings about you arent to strong to make it hard for her

wallycharlo

gertall wrote: »

...While she did look like her photos from the neck up, she was carrying a few extra pounds...

I think a lot hinges here on what the exact delta is between the pictures which she shared with you and her current figure.

If it really is just a few extra pounds then it should be no real issue, and to be expected and allowed for really. If on the other hand it's a considerable difference, then I would feel deceived by this, and would have expected for her to tell me that the photos which she was sharing were not recent.

As to whether or not she is actually overweight or not, you cannot judge this by dress size, the only way to do this is consider Body Mass Index.

allym

Just on the size thing, I'm 5 1 and at a 10 I'm a perfectly fine and healthy weight, however earlier this year I was a good bit heavier,a size 12 and definitely overweight. So at my height the difference in size really is noticeable, whereas in someone taller it wouldn't be at all.

OP if you're not attracted to her you can't help that, but I would say don't throw it away just yet. Attraction can grow overtime and you might find that if you meet again her personality might make her more attractive to you. Of course it may not, but I'd give it more time.

ToffeeT

allym wrote: »

Just on the size thing, I'm 5 1 and at a 10 I'm a perfectly fine and healthy weight, however earlier this year I was a good bit heavier,a size 12 and definitely overweight. So at my height the difference in size really is noticeable, whereas in someone taller it wouldn't be at all.

OP if you're not attracted to her you can't help that, but I would say don't throw it away just yet. Attraction can grow overtime and you might find that if you meet again her personality might make her more attractive to you. Of course it may not, but I'd give it more time.

Seriously!!! don't be encouraging him she deserves better.

Ickle Magoo

ToffeeT,

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donutheadhomer

DoozerT6 wrote: »

Exactly. Honestly, you must be into very slim ladies if you think one extra stone on a person who was previously slim/average, is overweight. If it is, to your eyes, then you've obviously learned a lesson about yourself and what your expectations are and work from there. I

But if you really like this woman as a person, look around at some of the really grossly overweight people out there who have partners. How does she compare physically to them? Which would you, personally, rather have as your partner?

Having a few curves is not overweight, gertall. And if you do decide to end things with her, for God's sake DON'T tell her it's about her weight. No girl needs to hear that!!!!! Just tell her you didn't feel a spark when ye actually met up.

Would it not be best to tell her the truth

Neyite

Thread Closed.

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