smoking in house

owiseone

I have told my 18yr old he is not allowed to smoke anywhere in house. Don't want him smoking full stop but smokin in house is totally forbidden. He has started smoking in his bedroom even though he knows the rule so he's proven he has absolutely no respect for me. What can I do apart from kicking him out as this is not an option as he's in college and does not work.

T-K-O

I have to agree he is showing a total lack of respect for you. My 45 year old brother will not smoke in the presence of my parents.

Does he work? Do you finance him?

owiseone

he's no job. I give him money every week and pay for his travel fare to college, his phone credit, his clothes and yet he'd still argue with me that I don't give him enough - more proof that he has no respect at all for me. I don't want to see him homeless and that's the only reason I haven't made him leave because there's nowhere for him to go but the streets. I'm going to cut his money now because I'm not financing his smoking habit but I know that's going to cause a massive argument. I know what I'm meant to do, saying he's getting no money from me or saying he's out if he continues to break the rule is easier said than done.

mickgotsick

Could you approach it from a fire hazard stance? Below is a video from a nightclub that went up in flames and a lot of people died from it. It's quite a shocking and graphic video to watch, there was very little time for people to escape. It certainly made me think about fire safety a lot more since watching it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOzfq9Egxeo

Queen-Mise

owiseone wrote: »

I have told my 18yr old he is not allowed to smoke anywhere in house. Don't want him smoking full stop but smokin in house is totally forbidden. He has started smoking in his bedroom even though he knows the rule so he's proven he has absolutely no respect for me. What can I do apart from kicking him out as this is not an option as he's in college and does not work.

I would go with the zero tolerance approach. If he wants to smoke, that's fine he is an adult, it is his decision to make. He can smoke elsewhere but not within your four walls.

But this is your house, and the smell (even with the door closed) will go through the house & then there is the danger of second hand smoke.

If you are funding him going through college and he is bitching about not getting enough money still. Well then he can leave college, get a job, and fund himself through evening college.
It is no problem. You have better things to be doing with your money. I am sure they are some nice holidays you could be going on.

And he won't end up on the streets. He has friends that he can stay with, family maybe. Maybe if you kicked him out for a few night it might be enough for him to get a fright/respect.

He is 18 now, it is definitely time he learned that actions have consequences.

It is funny, you don't mind funding him through college, even though it will put a strain on your finances for the next 3/4 years. But disrespecting you in that time, is not in. You don't want them thanking you everyday, but respect and courtesy is an essential.

I'd go with tough love.

Maybe don't give him any money. Buy the bus pass, phone credit and give him a lunch (no problem with a nice lunch here) - hence he doesn't need any money. If he does want money, let him go earn it.

STURRIDGES LIPS

You should get him to stop smoking.

fleet

You won't be able to get him to stop smoking. That's for him to decide.

However, it's your house, so telling him no smoking on the property (house, garden where ever) is fine.

If he breaks the rule he loses his luxuries: phone credit, clothes money etc. Buy him his bus card and college sundries no matter what though, you don't want him having any excuse for not going.

If he continues to smoke, kick him out. A week or two scrounging a place to sleep from friends will have him begging to come back.

Most importantly you must not weaken your resolve. Forulate the rules and forfits (reasonable ones) and stick to them. Discuss them with someone else before talking to him, it can be easy to lose sight of what's reasonable when your emotions are involved.

Queen-Mise

fleet wrote: »

You won't be able to get him to stop smoking.

Most importantly you must not weaken your resolve. Forulate the rules and forfits (reasonable ones) and stick to them. Discuss them with someone else before talking to him, it can be easy to lose sight of what's reasonable when your emotions are involved.

At the end of the day - he is your son but also an adult.

So if your dad, brother, friend, etc was staying in your house & you requested they not smoke and they did. What would you do?

echo beach

This is just to test you. Let him get away with smoking in his room and soon he will be smoking in the living room and the kitchen as well. He may be an adult legally but inside he is an adolescent pushing the boundaries.
It is your house and you make the rules. If he isn't willing to comply with a perfectly reasonable request he won't get far in the world. Do him a favour and stick to your guns.

Moonbeam

I would buy him a bus/rail ticket every week or month and pay for anything that he needs directly stop giving him cash not because he is smoking but because of his complete lack of respect.

RealExpert

owiseone wrote: »

I have told my 18yr old he is not allowed to smoke anywhere in house. Don't want him smoking full stop but smokin in house is totally forbidden. He has started smoking in his bedroom even though he knows the rule so he's proven he has absolutely no respect for me. What can I do apart from kicking him out as this is not an option as he's in college and does not work.

I would be like you and be totally against children smoking but he is going to do it anyway so I think you may as well let him at least you know what he is smoking.After all he is 18 and maybe you should lighten up just a little.Tell him smoking in the bedroom is completely out of the question due to the safety of everyone else in the house.
Enjoy the time you have left with him as a family under the same roof.Dont even think about throwing him out he will probably move out in a couple of years anyway and you would be sorry.
Im dreading the day mine are going to move out oldest is now 20 and shes quite content so far........long may it last
PS: She does not smoke but her room looks like a bar come drapery store

CrazyRabbit

My brother used to smoke when he visited me despite me asking him not to. When I approached him with a fire extinguisher (the foam type), pulled the pin and aimed it at him, he knew I was serious.

No idea if that's helpful for you though.

To be honest, the smoking is a secondary issue. The biggest issue is the lack to gratitude and respect. For someone who has dedicated 18+ years of your life to him, you deserve better.

aknitter

You provide everything in the house, if he's going to act like a child treat him like one - take his bedroom door off its hinges and only replace it if he stops smoking, just to reinforce that this is your house. Alternatively you can always take the power cords off his computer/games console/tv and hide them. Yes it will cause a huge argument but if this is the battle you choose to fight, go all in and win. But he's being such a child

spurious

Just give him his bus ticket and sandwiches for college. No extra money. If he wants to fund smoking and other expensive futile activities, he can go clean people's cars or something.

guppy

spurious wrote: »

Just give him his bus ticket and sandwiches for college. No extra money. If he wants to fund smoking and other expensive futile activities, he can go clean people's cars or something.

This. My daughter lives away for college and I give her what I consider a small amount each week. This is enough for her to feed herself with, and socialise a little, but by god, she makes it stretch!

She's back home for summer soon, and I'll be cutting her off. The money I usually give her will go to saving for next years fees etc. She still hasnt made a move towards getting a job though, so I'll be stripping the bathroom of shower gel etc (the rest of us will have wash bags to bring in daily) to show her nothing comes for free. I've also instructed my family not to sub her.

Maybe this sounds ridiculous, but I feel she needs to learn the value of things. Why should I work 40 hours a week and give her money so she can live a life of leisure all summer long off my hard work?

If you stop giving your son money, he'll have to find another way. So what if there are arguments? You're the one in charge, you set the rules. He won't leave, he knows he won't get it better than it is at home.

[Just fyi, I'm not a parent]

I'd figure out how much money he gets in an average week. Then I'd sit down with him and explain to him that every time you smell smoke in his room you're going to give him 9.30 (or whatever his brand of smokes costs) less every week from now on, and that it'll never go back up to the original amount. So if you catch it twice in a week, it'll be almost 20 quid less every week in future. If he works his way down to 0 per week, you'll stop buying him something (e.g. if you pick up credit for him, food that he's the only one in the house eating, paying for gym fees or whatever). After that stop doing things for him - lifts in the car or tidying up or whatever. If he still manages to smoke in the room, throw him out on his ear.

That way the punishment is directly related to smoking, and he can see over time that he's going to have to permanently live with the consequences.

Call Me Jimmy

Despite your obvious and informed wish to have him go through college, the best threat besides kicking out of house is to tell him flat out that he can get a job now if he doesn't like it. Always worked for me, hence I'm still in college :P

He probably thinks you wouldn't let him do that, but if I was a parent I'd rather a child grew up with cop on than a piece of paper. It stands to a person much more.

JyesusChrist

guppy wrote: »

This. My daughter lives away for college and I give her what I consider a small amount each week. This is enough for her to feed herself with, and socialise a little, but by god, she makes it stretch!

She's back home for summer soon, and I'll be cutting her off. The money I usually give her will go to saving for next years fees etc. She still hasnt made a move towards getting a job though, so I'll be stripping the bathroom of shower gel etc (the rest of us will have wash bags to bring in daily) to show her nothing comes for free. I've also instructed my family not to sub her.

Maybe this sounds ridiculous, but I feel she needs to learn the value of things. Why should I work 40 hours a week and give her money so she can live a life of leisure all summer long off my hard work?

If you stop giving your son money, he'll have to find another way. So what if there are arguments? You're the one in charge, you set the rules. He won't leave, he knows he won't get it better than it is at home.

Easier said than done to get a job. If she cant get a job why not get her to do some jobs around the house like cleaning and what not so she can (god forbid) have some shower gel?

JyesusChrist

true-or-false wrote: »

[Just fyi, I'm not a parent]

I'd figure out how much money he gets in an average week. Then I'd sit down with him and explain to him that every time you smell smoke in his room you're going to give him 9.30 (or whatever his brand of smokes costs) less every week from now on, and that it'll never go back up to the original amount. So if you catch it twice in a week, it'll be almost 20 quid less every week in future. If he works his way down to 0 per week, you'll stop buying him something (e.g. if you pick up credit for him, food that he's the only one in the house eating, paying for gym fees or whatever). After that stop doing things for him - lifts in the car or tidying up or whatever. If he still manages to smoke in the room, throw him out on his ear.

That way the punishment is directly related to smoking, and he can see over time that he's going to have to permanently live with the consequences.

Thats a good idea. Wont be anyone's fault but his own if you are forced to kick him out. No offence but he sounds like a douchbag.

Orion

JyesusChrist wrote: »

No offence but he sounds like a douchbag.

There is absolutely no need for name calling. Please don't do it again.

JyesusChrist

Orion wrote: »

There is absolutely no need for name calling. Please don't do it again.

Apologies.

cloud493

I'd have to agree with most other people. Zero tolerance on smoking in the house. I've recently quit smoking myself cos of the outrageous costs behind it, and although I might sound hypocritical, its a nasty habit to pick up. I look after my little sister pretty much 24/7 now, and the basic principle of say, giving her pocket money only after she's tidied her room, stripped her bed sheets etc, works pretty well. Your house, your rules. If he doesn't like it, tough.

reeta

" take his bedroom door off its hinges" thats a great idea as it would have a huge effect on him. Besides being embarrassed in front of his frieds because he has no door on his bedroom, it would reinforce the idea that it is "your house" and you call the shots !

Demosthenese

Annoying smoke habit - cut off the money used to buy them - problem more or less solved. He either gets off his backside and gets the cash to supply his habit OR doesn't smoke. Win win.

BTW - love the tough love post - sambos and bus ticket. Love it.

qwertytlk

Cut his money then because smoking is massively expensive. 20cigarettes are €9.40,if he is smoking 20 a day that is just under €70 a week!!

Imo if he is able to afford this then he has too much cash.

If he wants to smoke then let him pay for It himself. Tell him to get a part time job. If he was working 20hours a week he would earn €200 per week maximum. Let him take €70 a week out of that for cigarettes on top of paying for clothes,travel,phone bill etc and i reckon he would soon think of giving up.
I think it would also teach him the value of money since he doesn't think you give him enough,which from whAt you have said is ludicrous. does he not know how lucky he is to have you supporting him the way you are! I would give anything to be in that position. There are times i don't eat so my son has enough and all i want Is to get back to college and get a good job etc but i cant afford it. The lack of respect on all levels from his smoking in the house to his complete lack of appreciation for all you do and give him is just ridiculous and downright insulting to you.

Seriously all the above is coming from a smoker so in my 20's and i can say he is so so lucky. Give him my number if he wants some home truths!!!

Calgary22

its called being a parent would you rather your daughter left school and went on the dole? there is no summer jobs for people are age in Ireland. sooner parents realize this the better.

Koptain Liverpool

There's no need to do anything as drastic as kicking him out of the house.
As others have said you need to really firmly tell him that its your house your rules. This doesn't seem to have worked so refuse to give him any money unless he promises to not smoke in the house. Give him his bus fare only for college but not a penny more. He can eat at home.

If he smokes again then repeat but hold off giving him money again for longer.

I'm 32 and smoke outside my parents house. I always have done because they won't tolerate me doing otherwise and its a matter of respect.
It isn't a big deal at all for him to smoke outside so by refusing to do so he's completely giving you the two fingers.

Koptain Liverpool

Calgary22 wrote: »

its called being a parent would you rather your daughter left school and went on the dole? there is no summer jobs for people are age in Ireland. sooner parents realize this the better.

Sorry to burst your bubble but parental responsibility ends when children turn 18. Anything your parents provide for you after that is optional and not an entitlement. It should be appreciated!

T-K-O

Calgary22, you just made my day. Thank you

T-K-O

Ok as you appreciate your parents support this thread is not an issue for you. Would you expect the same treatment from your parents if you were acting the goat. The answer is NO.

Not the way to motivate? I would suggest the guy in question needs to grow up and motivate himself.

wolfpawnat

I have funded myself since the day I was old enough to work at 16 (although that was in the boom, when there were jobs). As soon as I was finished school I left my mothers electively. Your son has it too comfy. Zero tolerance is the only way. Take off the door. It is not in anyway harmful to him except to his pride if his friends come over. He is 18. He should be grateful you are doing so much. Many of us would have given our right arm to have a parent like you looking after us! I hope he cleans around the housework to at least help earn the money you spend on him every week. My son is 4 and he has chores for his sweeties/new toys!

Your house, your rules OP. If he does not like it, he knows where the door is. It is coming to the summer holidays now, he may leave for a while, but come September when he knows he needs college money, if he doesn't have it himself (which if he is trying to live on little or no income) he will be a very quite little dog with his tail between his legs back to your front door. Best of luck.