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Sleep Sex

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  • 24-03-2013 6:41pm
    #1
    PrincessPreach
    Registered Users Posts: 98 ✭✭


    So..I got really drunk last night and don't remember having sex with my boyfriend although apparently we did.

    We were talking about it over breakfast and he asked me an interesting question. If I fell asleep and he had sex with me, would that be considered sex without consent?

    Personally, I wouldn't mind if he did do it but maybe others would. Is there a legal standing on it? Is it a form of sexual assault? My bf said he wouldn't do it as he'd feel uncomfortable and unsure whether to even tell me or not but I wouldn't care and would just wish i was awake to enjoy it.

    What do you girls think? Or for any men out there, is this something you would do? Would you tell your gf afterwards?


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    #2
    Outkast_IRE
    Registered Users Posts: 7,515 ✭✭✭Outkast_IRE


    Honestly myself and the gf, have sleep sex regularily.
    Quite often neither of us will remember who initiated it. We had pretty much the same conversation and the concensus was that in a long term relationship its ok as long as theres no force used etc.

    There have been times when one of us has been very tired after a long week and would resist sleep sex when the other partner tried to initate it, and we do honestly feel that even though your "asleep" you do have some ability to resist or consent.

    However when alcohol etc becomes involved it does muddy the water as the sleep may be too deep to resist or consent

    I think its ok in a relationship as long as its understood by both parties.


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    #3
    PrincessPreach
    Registered Users Posts: 98 ✭✭PrincessPreach


    Outkast_IRE wrote: »
    Honestly myself and the gf, have sleep sex regularily.
    Quite often neither of us will remember who initiated it. We had pretty much the same conversation and the concensus was that in a long term relationship its ok as long as theres no force used etc.

    There have been times when one of us has been very tired after a long week and would resist sleep sex when the other partner tried to initate it, and we do honestly feel that even though your "asleep" you do have some ability to resist or consent.

    However when alcohol etc becomes involved it does muddy the water as the sleep may be too deep to resist or consent

    I think its ok in a relationship as long as its understood by both parties.

    We share the same view so. Glad to know other people think the same way.


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    #4
    PlainP
    Closed Accounts Posts: 714 ✭✭✭PlainP


    I'm a bit confused? Are you talking about having sex with someone while they are asleep which to me would mean that they don't know, and imo this would mean that without their consent it is rape.

    On the other hand waking up or getting woke up and having sleepy sex to me is completely different as both parties are aware and its consentual.


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    #5
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Personally I don't think it's ok to initiate sex with someone if they're asleep. Even if you're in a relationship you should still given the opportunity to say no first! Just because you're in a relationship doesn't automatically mean you're always 'up for it'.

    But if one person was to fall asleep in the middle of sex I think it's ok that the other person finishes the act... although I think that'd be kinda weird :P


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    #6
    wolfpawnat
    Registered Users Posts: 6,124 ✭✭✭wolfpawnat


    Have had it a few times with my partner. As long as it is not an abusive relationship I cannot see the harm in it, as long as the woman is on a form of contraception such as the pill or something, because the times it has happened, neither of us ever thought of condoms! Don't want an unplanned pregnancy where both people are wondering what the hell happened.


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    #7
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    Im not following, how can people have sex asleep? Surely sex is too physical to sleep through? (Im not talking about when alcohol is involved). Presumably you only mean when the woman is asleep? Or do you mean both? Do enlighten me!

    Anyway, I would consider it non consensual personally - although Im failing to see how it would work as a practical application!

    I cant say its something I ever really thought about. I like my partner to be engaged in the act with me, I wouldnt have any interest in having sex with him if he wasnt conscious. And I doubt he would be bothered having sex with my limp body either. I mean, we talk to each other and look at each other and engage with each other during sex, so if one person was asleep, whats the point? Is that not just using a warm body as a masturbatory device?

    Edited to add: Oh, have I got it wrong, are you just talking about sleepy sex as opposed to fully asleep sex?


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    #8
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    Errrrr. Ok.

    I would not have sex with someone who is asleep, that's kinda weird. I would do the unthinkable and just wake them up. *Le gasp*.

    If they're awake and reciprocating, but just can't remember it the next day, that's different.


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    #9
    PrincessPreach
    Registered Users Posts: 98 ✭✭PrincessPreach


    PlainP wrote: »
    I'm a bit confused? Are you talking about having sex with someone while they are asleep which to me would mean that they don't know, and imo this would mean that without their consent it is rape.

    On the other hand waking up or getting woke up and having sleepy sex to me is completely different as both parties are aware and its consentual.

    I'm not talking about sleepy sex, I'm talking about having sex with someone while they are fully asleep. My bf said he did it once with his ex gf. They were drunk and she fell alseep. She apparently didn't mind.
    It's a bit of a weird one andi can understand why some people may not be comfortable with it but honestly I wouldn't care.


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    #10
    Joe Hart
    Closed Accounts Posts: 358 ✭✭Joe Hart


    username123 wrote: »
    Im not following, how can people have sex asleep? Surely sex is too physical to sleep through? (Im not talking about when alcohol is involved). Presumably you only mean when the woman is asleep? Or do you mean both? Do enlighten me!

    Anyway, I would consider it non consensual personally - although Im failing to see how it would work as a practical application!

    I cant say its something I ever really thought about. I like my partner to be engaged in the act with me, I wouldnt have any interest in having sex with him if he wasnt conscious. And I doubt he would be bothered having sex with my limp body either. I mean, we talk to each other and look at each other and engage with each other during sex, so if one person was asleep, whats the point? Is that not just using a warm body as a masturbatory device?
    It's a strange one. You are semi concious and it doesn't register in your memory very strong. Bit of craic but it always worried me if it happened with someone I didn't know so well. I always told my partner if that happened then they might have to vouch for me in court!


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    #11
    frogstar
    Registered Users Posts: 709 ✭✭✭frogstar


    I dont think in your case op it is sleep sex. I think you were too drunk to remember. Totally different.

    My partner would regular initiate sex while HE is asleep. I dont mind as we both always wake up in time!


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    #12
    PrincessPreach
    Registered Users Posts: 98 ✭✭PrincessPreach


    username123 wrote: »
    Is that not just using a warm body as a masturbatory device?

    Well yes it is I suppose, but that doesn't bother me, almost turns me on in a way. If you're 100% comfortable with someone I don't see why you'd care.


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    #13
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    PrincessPreach wrote: »
    I'm not talking about sleepy sex, I'm talking about having sex with someone while they are fully asleep. My bf said he did it once with his ex gf. They were drunk and she fell alseep. She apparently didn't mind.
    It's a bit of a weird one andi can understand why some people may not be comfortable with it but honestly I wouldn't care.

    Wow :eek:

    Did she fall asleep during? If she was fully unconscious prior to it beginning Id consider it rape.


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    #14
    PlainP
    Closed Accounts Posts: 714 ✭✭✭PlainP


    PrincessPreach wrote: »

    I'm not talking about sleepy sex, I'm talking about having sex with someone while they are fully asleep. My bf said he did it once with his ex gf. They were drunk and she fell alseep. She apparently didn't mind.
    It's a bit of a weird one andi can understand why some people may not be comfortable with it but honestly I wouldn't care.

    Wouldn't be for me then so I'm with username on this one. It would bother me and I would definitely feel violated but if it works for some people in relationships well each to their own and all that.


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    #15
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    PrincessPreach wrote: »
    She apparently didn't mind.

    And if she did mind? Your BF would be considered a rapist, technically he is.


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    #16
    PrincessPreach
    Registered Users Posts: 98 ✭✭PrincessPreach


    MagicMarker wrote: »
    And if she did mind? Your BF would be considered a rapist, technically he is.

    lol, I'm going out with a rapist!


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    #17
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    PrincessPreach wrote: »
    Well yes it is I suppose, but that doesn't bother me, almost turns me on in a way. If you're 100% comfortable with someone I don't see why you'd care.

    Id care because I like to be able to consent or not to having sex on each occasion that I have it. There isnt just a blanket free for all on my body in my relationship. Id find it creepy if my partner was having sex with my unconscious body without me even knowing. That would be rape imo.

    I think there might have been a case in the UK recently where a woman successfully prosecuted her ex for rape for doing this to her for years, he has been drugging her and raping her and filming or taking pictures of it (thats how she found out).


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    #18
    PrincessPreach
    Registered Users Posts: 98 ✭✭PrincessPreach


    username123 wrote: »
    Id care because I like to be able to consent or not to having sex. Id find it creepy if my partner was having sex with my unconscious body without me even knowing. That would be rape imo.

    I think there might have been a case in the UK recently where a woman successfully prosecuted her ex for rape for doing this to her for years, he has been drugging her and raping her and filming or taking pictures of it (thats how she found out).

    But what if I've consented to him being able to have sex with me whenever he wants? Then it's different imo. But that case is awful, the poor woman, i'm glad she won the case but it's completely different.


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    #19
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    PrincessPreach wrote: »
    But what if I've consented to him being able to have sex with me whenever he wants? Then it's different imo. But that case is awful, the poor woman, i'm glad she won the case but it's completely different.

    Then thats your own business I suppose. Dont understand it myself, but each to their own and all that.


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    #20
    openup
    Registered Users Posts: 121 ✭✭openup


    PrincessPreach wrote: »
    lol, I'm going out with a rapist!

    But you literally are? That's really not that funny.

    I think it is ok to initiate sexual activity with someone who is asleep provided you've discussed it before hand, but if they don't wake up and you keep doing it and actually have sex with them, then they haven't consented and its rape.

    I honestly can't get my head around this, not remembering having sex is one thing but the idea that someone would be ok with another person just having sex with them while they're asleep/pass out is very weird (unless you've pre-consented, but even then...).


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    #21
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    PrincessPreach wrote: »
    lol, I'm going out with a rapist!

    Is this the same guy that you have stated on another thread likes to expose himself to strange women?


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    #22
    Bassboxxx
    Registered Users Posts: 608 ✭✭✭Bassboxxx


    I'm just wondering, to the people who would consider having sex with a sleeping partner rape...

    If you woke up and your partner was gone to the shops in your car, would you consider them a car thief??

    Now I know sleeping with someone and taking their car is a bit different...but so is being branded a rapist and a car thief.......


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    #23
    PrincessPreach
    Registered Users Posts: 98 ✭✭PrincessPreach


    openup wrote: »
    But you literally are? That's really not that funny.

    I think it is ok to initiate sexual activity with someone who is asleep provided you've discussed it before hand, but if they don't wake up and you keep doing it and actually have sex with them, then they haven't consented and its rape.

    I honestly can't get my head around this, not remembering having sex is one thing but the idea that someone would be ok with another person just having sex with them while they're asleep/pass out is very weird (unless you've pre-consented, but even then...).

    Having sex with some random person while they are asleep is rape yes. If someone fell asleep at a party for example and someone had sex with them then it's rape but surely if it's your partner who loves you then it's ok??


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    #24
    openup
    Registered Users Posts: 121 ✭✭openup


    PrincessPreach wrote: »
    But what if I've consented to him being able to have sex with me whenever he wants? Then it's different imo. But that case is awful, the poor woman, i'm glad she won the case but it's completely different.

    But you can't. That's why it's illegal to rape someone even if their you wife (should be spouse, but I'm pretty sure in Ireland men can't *legally* be raped, which is disgraceful)


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    #25
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    Bassboxxx wrote: »
    Now I know sleeping with someone and taking their car is a bit different...

    Just a tad.


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    #26
    fred funk }{
    Registered Users Posts: 6,827 ✭✭✭fred funk }{


    Surly there's presumed consent in a long term relationship? Calling someone a rapist because he slipped one in while his other half is asleep madness.


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    #27
    PrincessPreach
    Registered Users Posts: 98 ✭✭PrincessPreach


    fred funk }{ wrote: »
    Surly there's presumed consent in a long term relationship? Calling someone a rapist because he slipped one in while his other half is asleep madness.

    Exactly, can't believe people take it so seriously


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    #28
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    fred funk }{ wrote: »
    Surly there's presumed consent in a long term relationship? Calling someone a rapist because he slipped one in while his other half is asleep madness.
    Is it not okay in a short term relationship? At what point is it okay if neither party have actually discussed it yet?

    If I'm with someone for 2 months, she's asleep and I'm horny and sleep sex has never been discussed, can I just jump on and ride the carousel?


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    #29
    PrincessPreach
    Registered Users Posts: 98 ✭✭PrincessPreach


    Judging by some of the responses on this thread my boyfriend isn't the only rapist in a relationship


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    #30
    Dtp79
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,097 ✭✭✭Dtp79


    PrincessPreach wrote: »

    Having sex with some random person while they are asleep is rape yes. If someone fell asleep at a party for example and someone had sex with them then it's rape but surely if it's your partner who loves you then it's ok??
    I'm pretty sure it's a condition called sexomnia. I kid you not


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    #31
    openup
    Registered Users Posts: 121 ✭✭openup


    fred funk }{ wrote: »
    Surly there's presumed consent in a long term relationship? Calling someone a rapist because he slipped one in while his other half is asleep madness.

    I'm absolutely stunned by this thread! There is never presumed consent! Silence is not consent. I mean, if people in LTRs get presumed consent how far can you take that? People who are dating? People who've slept together before? People who both clearly want to have sex with each other? If somebody in asleep you are forcing yourself on them.


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