Platonic friendship???

im confused again · 30-01-2013 12:22am #1

I have an issue and I have no idea what to do.
I am going out with a wonderful woman. We are both seperated with ex's and children. We have only been going out for 8 months but everything is going so well. We get on so well together and I love her kids and she loves mine.

The thing is, she seems close to a work colleague. They got to lunch quite a lot and seem to talk about a lot of personal stuff together. Recently they had an overnight work conferance to attend. I spoke to her on the phone quite late before she was going to bed. The next day she told me that her work colleague had come to her hotel room and they had chatted till late into the night, in the hotel room as far as I know.

She is always honest with me and tells me everything. So I know nothing is going on but I think this is inappropriate. I mean, they are away on business, and end up in the same hotel room chatting until the early hours of the morning. Perhaps I am being old fashioned!! Am I??

Is this no longer inappropriate??

Am I over reacting or should I say something? I just think that if I did the same thing, she would not be comfortable with it.

He is married.

CaraMay · 30-01-2013 12:41am

Oh I am torn on this one... I don't think there should be an issue with her having male friends but I do admit it would make me uncomfortable that he was in her hotel room. Wonder what his genuine motivation was?

I think you have to trust her but keep your eyes open for this guy...

danslevent · 30-01-2013 4:48am

She did tell you about it, so don't worry.

Meauldsegosha · 30-01-2013 9:36am

im confused again wrote: »

Am I over reacting or should I say something? I just think that if I did the same thing, she would not be comfortable with it.

He is married.

Say what exactly? That they shouldn't be friends or you think it's inappropriate for him to be in her hotel room. That's not for you to say. She has probably known him a lot longer then she's known you. You have no cause to sat anything to her. She's been honest with you. Men and women can be platonic friends.

miamee · 30-01-2013 12:48pm

Why were you texting her if you thought she was gone to bed as a matter of interest?

If nothing happened between them that night - and you say you believe it didn't - then it is unlikely to happen in the future IMO.

Lorna123 · 30-01-2013 1:08pm

I just think that the whole thing is suspicious. Even if nothing happened I think it is inappropriate for your g/f to be telling you about this because she knows damn well it will worry you. It has the sounds of insecurity on her part. I would not like to hear something like that if I were dating someone. There is nothing you can do about it OP but I would not jump to the bait. I would ignore it, continue on with this relationship if it brings you happiness but if you feel that your o/h is now alienating you then have a chat with her about that and clear things up.

Meauldsegosha · 30-01-2013 1:11pm

im confused again wrote: »

I do feel you are right. I guess I'm a little scarred from a previous relationship where I trusted the person but she did cheat, even though we had what I thought was a really good relationship at the time. Although, not as good as the reltionship that I am now in.

You are right, men and women can be platonic friends but the statistics show that when there is a lot of 1 to 1 time, they more often than not turn into a sexual relationship. And situations like being in a hotel room only encourage/facilitate that transition.

I would like to add that during the time she was chatting she didn't answer my text messages, which was a first, and since that night her emotions seem to be a lot damper than they had been before that night.

Statistics can be twisted anyway to win an argument. You've obviously been hurt in the past but you should try not bring those insecurities into this relationship. You spoke to her on the phone before she went to bed so why did you keep texting her then. Your trust issues made you text her. She didn't do anything wrong. Have her emotions really damped or do you perceive it that way because you believe she has done something wrong?

CaraMay · 30-01-2013 1:48pm

You have to listen to your gut op... Why would she bother to have a fling with a married man when she has a good new relationship?

im confused again · 30-01-2013 1:59pm

Lorna123 wrote: »

I just think that the whole thing is suspicious. Even if nothing happened I think it is inappropriate for your g/f to be telling you about this because she knows damn well it will worry you. It has the sounds of insecurity on her part. I would not like to hear something like that if I were dating someone. There is nothing you can do about it OP but I would not jump to the bait. I would ignore it, continue on with this relationship if it brings you happiness but if you feel that your o/h is now alienating you then have a chat with her about that and clear things up.

Thanks, but rather than it being insecurity on her part, I think it is her just wanting to be completely honest with me, which I think in the long term is the best.

I guess it is a differance of oppinion over what is approriate and what is not. I would certainly never do something like that because I see it as being totally inappropriate.

thats life I guess, full of differance of oppinions.

Lorna123 · 30-01-2013 2:04pm

My guess is that she told you this to get a reaction from you. I feel your reaction is quite normal OP and is certainly the same kind of reaction that I would feel if my o/h had a married woman in his room late at night after a dinner party. So what's the best way to react to her in this situaiton ........ well, I think I would ignore it for now and if she continues to flaunt this kind of thing in your face then I would ask her to stop it if she wants to continue a relationship with you. It would appear to me that she wants you to know that another man finds her attractive. That is the message I read from this. No harm at all in having friends of the opposite sex but to have them in your room in the late hours of the night is not appropriate in my opinion. Nor is it appropriate for her to be telling you about it.

im confused again · 30-01-2013 2:22pm

My relationship with this woman is the best relationship I have ever had. I find her very easy to chat to and she is really easy going. I've really let this issue in on me now and I feel that I have to discuss it with her. Not accusing in any manner because I know nothing happend but I just want her to know how these situations make me feel.
Perhaps she thinks it was inapproriate too, and it just sort of happened, and by telling me it helped her feel better about it too.

Yeah I definitely need to talk to her about it.

Asbury Park · 30-01-2013 2:35pm

im confused again wrote: »

My relationship with this woman is the best relationship I have ever had. I find her very easy to chat to and she is really easy going. I've really let this issue in on me now and I feel that I have to discuss it with her. Not accusing in any manner because I know nothing happend but I just want her to know how these situations make me feel.
Perhaps she thinks it was inapproriate too, and it just sort of happened, and by telling me it helped her feel better about it too.

Yeah I definitely need to talk to her about it.

I would be very careful here. You say you trust her and that you believe nothing is going on. Then you spoke about being hurt in a previous relationship - maybe some feelings from that time are affecting how you think now. I'm not a great believer in platonic friendships between men and women, having experienced seen so many fail, but they do exist, especially among work colleagues because we spend more time at work than anywhere else and workplaces become like surrogate families.

P. Breathnach · 30-01-2013 2:38pm

Don't say anything that you might come to regret. I think that includes using the word "inappropriate". I don't see anything that suggests that you should have major concerns, and I think you should be careful about making what is probably a minor issue into a major one.

If other work colleagues were also in the same hotel, the fact that he was in her room late at night might have been noticed, and that could lead to unfortunate conclusions being drawn. That might be a concern.

In your place, I would be a little offended that she did not respond to your texts. I think you could raise that as a matter that troubled you.

Lorna123 · 30-01-2013 2:45pm

Not trying to be smart or anything like that, but if you completely trust her OP and you are one hundred per cent sure that nothing happened why did you even bother posting this?

If it was to be a concern that a colleague might see this man in your g/f room late at night this must surely be a signal that it is "inappropriate" behaviour ?

jdsk2006 · 30-01-2013 2:48pm

Your clearly uneasy with the visit to her room, I personally don't see the need for it either and yes I would find it totally inappropriate and disrespectful to your relationship. Your a new couple and still in the process of setting boundaries for your relationship and crossing these bridges as they present themselves. Talk to her and make it abundantly clear where your boundaries lie as regards this friendship......only worry if she dismisses your expectations and something similar happens again.

Just on a final note, I'm totally baffled as to why your partner would leave herself open to suspicion from her colleague's wife??? She was foolish to let that man into her hotel room no matter if she was single or not. I suspect this man is on the lookout for some fun.

P. Breathnach · 30-01-2013 3:40pm

im confused again wrote: »

...
There were inter-connecting doors so other colleagues would not have seen a thing.

That would trouble me: you don't get interconnecting rooms with the door between them unlocked unless you request them.

im confused again · 30-01-2013 3:51pm

But she was honest and told me everything, and that says a lot. I just need to explain to her that it made me uneasy, and that it's perhaps more my issues that it makes me uneasy than anything she has done

P. Breathnach · 30-01-2013 4:00pm

I'm starting to get a bad feeling about this. I presume that she told you they had interconnecting rooms. It would not have merited a mention unless the door between them was unlocked.

It's really strange that she told you that they had interconnecting rooms (for which somebody had to arrange the booking), that he was in her room late at night, and that she did not answer your texts while he was there.

And she told you this. Curiouser and curiouser.

Meauldsegosha · 30-01-2013 4:01pm

Lorna123 wrote: »

My guess is that she told you this to get a reaction from you. I feel your reaction is quite normal OP and is certainly the same kind of reaction that I would feel if my o/h had a married woman in his room late at night after a dinner party. So what's the best way to react to her in this situaiton ........ well, I think I would ignore it for now and if she continues to flaunt this kind of thing in your face then I would ask her to stop it if she wants to continue a relationship with you. It would appear to me that she wants you to know that another man finds her attractive. That is the message I read from this. No harm at all in having friends of the opposite sex but to have them in your room in the late hours of the night is not appropriate in my opinion. Nor is it appropriate for her to be telling you about it.

Do you know the woman's colleague? If not then you can not say if he finds her attractive or not, or that she is flaunting this kind of thing in the OP's face. Those kind of statements are not helpful and feed into the OP's insecurities and trust issues which are the real problem here and what needs to be addressed.

CaraMay · 30-01-2013 4:07pm

How did you find out about the connecting rooms?

I've been in hotels lately where you could open the door from either side so it's not totally true that the hotel need to do it.

Lorna123 · 30-01-2013 4:15pm

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Do you know the woman's colleague? If not then you can not say if he finds her attractive or not, or that she is flaunting this kind of thing in the OP's face. Those kind of statements are not helpful and feed into the OP's insecurities and trust issues which are the real problem here and what needs to be addressed.

No, I don't know any of the people concerned but it doesn't take Einstein to figure out what is going on here !!!

Lorna123 · 30-01-2013 4:22pm

Okay, OP, so this woman had a married colleague in her room late at night, with interconnecting doors between the rooms that were not locked ! You think this is inappropriate and I certainly think it is too, so you got my opinion on this.

Now you are trying to convince yourself that you are the one at fault here by daring to think that it is inappropriate !!! I don't need to comment any further. I wish you the best of luck with this.

shalalala · 30-01-2013 4:32pm

OP I find this completely inappropriate!

witchqueen · 30-01-2013 4:47pm

I dont think you have anything to worry about OP. She told you, right? If there was more going on or if she's aware that her colleague fancies her she wouldn't have said a word, simple! She trusts you and wants you to trust her this is why she's honest. If you make it a big sublect, she might not tell you the next time because it's bothering you so much. To be honest if I was in your position I'd rather know what's going on than having it hidden not to hurt my feelings and perhaps find out by accident. They are work colleagues probably most of what was spoken was work related anyway. I have male friends and I love spending nights chatting with them, either out drinking or at the house and nothing ever happened, they are friends.

jdsk2006 · 30-01-2013 5:24pm

Don't chicken out. Follow your instincts always they are there to protect you

P. Breathnach · 30-01-2013 5:39pm

The big thing in her favour is that she told you he was in her room.

The things I don't like the sound of is that they had interconnecting rooms and that she ignored texts from you while he was in her room.

I would be interested in knowing who organised the room reservations, and I think you are entitled to know why she did not reply to your texts.

One possibility is that this man hopes for more than just friendship, and that she is failing to see that. Does she know his wife?

Goldenlady · 30-01-2013 10:24pm

Hi OP,

I can understand your concerns, but from my point of view, I think this is just a friendship. I worked in a very male dominated industry for 8 years, met my OH there (now ex!) but I had so many male friends and was constantly meeting them for lunch, or dinner after work and would often be away for nights with work and end up having drinks or end up in rooms chatting, it was always just friendly. The excitement of staying in hotels wears off after a while and its nice to have company.......

My ex trusted me completely and had no reason not to, it was always just a friend ship thing with any of my colleagues......

Hope your talk goes well, just mention to her it makes you feel uncomfortable

best of luck
x

a fat guy · 30-01-2013 10:34pm

If it was me I wouldn't look too much into it.

Although if she knows that you have trust issues then she's either an idiot or trying to make you clingy.

P. Breathnach · 31-01-2013 11:51am

I'm not keen on building small things up so that they become crises. But you seem to be quite troubled by what happened and I think you would find it quite difficult to shrug it off.

Sometimes when we try to discuss difficulties the conversation gets out of control and what might be a minor hurt leads to a major row. You probably have some idea of how skilled you are at preventing a small difference from becoming a big one. The fact that you are here to discuss your concerns suggests to me that you do not feel confident that you have that sort of skill. But if you have as good a relationship as you report, I am sure that she has some idea of how difficult it might be for you to deal with some types of problem, and should be prepared to help you through a discussion of things that bother you.

Think about leading gently into discussing your worries. I think you have, in terms of how you customarily deal with one another, a small but legitimate complaint that she did not reply to your goodnight texts. Tell her that, and that you felt some disappointment about it. That's the easy part. Where it goes from there is potentially difficult, so you should be prepared for a range of possibilities.

To be blunt, I am still troubled (on your behalf) by the interconnecting rooms. It seems probable to me that it was not a chance occurrence, but that somebody arranged it. If she did, I would question her judgement; if he did, I would question his motives.

CaraMay · 31-01-2013 1:17pm

How dud the issue around the connecting rooms come up again and why did she mention about meeting her friend again? I'm just confused whether or not ye talked about it op

P. Breathnach · 31-01-2013 1:39pm

im confused again wrote: »

I'm not sure who booked the rooms, there was a group of people, I do know that my girlfriend didn't book them because she thought it peculiar that they were interconnecting rooms, and she was being genuine.

I think you should be reassured that she thought it peculiar.

For some reason I don't feel half as worried today about things.

Good. Your feeling that her emotions were different after that night must have been a misinterpretation on your part, arising from your worries.

Not sure why, but I still want to get the message across that I thought it was inappropriate in a non accusing subtle way.

That's really tricky! As you can see from some responses in this thread, not everybody thinks it was inappropriate. I'm not sure where I stand on the matter of his being in her room late at night: it's an issue that has never come on to my agenda, as Herself would consider such a thing inappropriate, and it simply would not arise.

It looks to me as if you should not have any trust issues with her, that she is being very open with you. I am suspicious about his motives (perhaps suspicious is too strong a word; cautious might be better).

One thing I have learned: if you are critical of somebody's friends or friendships, you are venturing into a minefield.

She is about to change jobs, so a circumstance like this is unlikely to happen again. Suck it up on the basis that none of us knows for sure what is appropriate or inappropriate. Settle for a mini-moan about her failure to respond to your texts (and keep it mini!).

Platonic friendship???

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