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No women friends
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21-01-2013 10:18am#1
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Eve_Dublin wrote: »You're saying women are bitches generally?
Well, that's how I feel, as generalising and politically incorrect as it is.
I feel like nice, genuine, warm women who aren't nasty, competitive, suspicious of other women and don't assume the worst of you are very few and far between. 0 -
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Well, that's how I feel, as generalising and politically incorrect as it is.I feel like nice, genuine, warm women who aren't nasty, competitive, suspicious of other women and don't assume the worst of you are very few and far between.
The majority of women I know and have encountered in my life have been like that. I've met a fair few bitches on the way, of course but I've also met a fair few pricks (male). Most of my friends are female. I've got a very different view of women to you, it would seem and I suppose I can't convince you otherwise if that's been your experience. I'm sorry that's the case.0 -
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I have very few female friends. The only ones I am close to live in different countries
Girls I was friends with from school and my late teens I fell out with, or we lost touch. I've experienced a lot of mean behaviour from them. I fell out with one friend for something she did to me, and other friends took her side and would talk about me and make it known I wasn't invited to hang out. Others I simply lost touch with, but was talked about and ignored after, even though that was a mutual lack of effort but I was the one left out then since I was no longer part of the group.
I know I could make a better effort to become friends with these girls again, but really I just couldnt be bothered with their drama and would find it hard to trust them again. I don't understand mean people at all!
But the few close friends I have are fantastic friends, despite being so far away! It really made me realise who is a genuine friend and who is a friend when it is convenient to them. So I wouldn't tar all women with the same brush. I used to ask if it was something wrong with me that I was losing all my friends, but really I just had bad luck in who I had met and became close too. I'd always make a genuine effort with anyone new I met and assume the best of them until I learned otherwise.0 -
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Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Regional East Moderators, Regional North West Moderators Posts: 12,526 Mod ✭✭✭✭
Join Date:Posts: 11725
That's what I used to think, but I've been accused of being unfriendly at work for 'doing my own thing', not being very interested in meeting up after work, not really telling them anything I was up to. They all think I'm sneaky and weird, when really, I knew we just didn't get along and I wanted to be polite, but keep my head down and get on with my life. There's a man at work who does that and nobody talks about him, but because I'm a woman, there seems to be this expectation that I owe them friendship or something.
These people made me feel very uncomfortable (constant b*tching about everything and everyone) and brought me down at a time in my life when I already have enough to worry about, so I tried my best to just not get involved but now apparently even that's rude.
Lunni, I have worked in a small company where the staff were all women and could be very b*tchy at times despite being lovely people most of the time. I'm assuming you are also in a small company/part of a small team. However, you still have to make an effort. Being aloof and not talking to them at all does make it appear that you don't want anything to do with them and it creates bad feeling in such a small team. Getting along with your co-workers is part and parcel of your job IMO and you need to make as much an effort to fit in with the team as with your actual work. There is no harm in chatting to them about what you watched on tv or saw in the cinema or a restaurant you visited at the weekend without giving anything too personal away. A lot of the time the b*tching that you have mentioned arises through stressful situations in the workplace IMO and is basically them letting off steam. It is not nice and can be uncomfortable if they are talking about someone you like but these women are work colleagues, not your friends and you are stuck with them for as long as you work there.
As regards other women outside of work, in my experience women are very open and friendly for the most part. It would be easier to make friends with one woman than a group of them. I don't know if any of your male friends have girlfriends but these might be a more likely source of female friends. Two of my closest friends are male and I love them to bits but there is something very different and special about female friends too. Next time you are out in a group (if this happens) make an effort to talk to one of the women alone and maybe see if there is something you have in common or if she'd like to go for coffee or to the cinema or meet you for a drink one evening
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I used to have few female friends and find it difficult to get on with girls.
Turns out I didn't like myself very much, and when I sorted that out I gained flocks of lady-mates and honestly I'm so happy now.
Not saying that's the case with you, OP. But I really felt I was deflecting the negative feelings I had about myself on other women. I found out that a lot of the people I previously had no time for struggled as much as I did and had the same fears and hopes. It can be easy to write people off, but everybody has something going on in their lives and their heads that you're not aware of.
This.
OP, I thought of this on the way home. When I arrived to Spain 3 and a half years ago, I didn't know anyone here, so made a beeline to the ex pat bar in the city where all the ex pat teachers hang out. The first thing the American barman said to me was, "The Spanish are assholes. Don't bother with them". I kept going to this bar (to make friends...it was the only place at that time that I could as I don't work with anybody) and I kept hearing the same thing.
Over time I realised that it had nothing to do with the Spanish and everything to do with them. They'd alll "fled" to Spain leaving their countries and leaving behind some very messed up situations (divorces, drug dealing etc.) and they're were all essentially functioning alcoholics. Nice people but they didn't like themselves very much.
I found it hard to get started here. I came here without so much as a place to live or even a job. I hadn't even been to Spain before that. Madrid is a large city and city life is hard enough as it is without the different language and not knowing a single person to contend with. It was a really difficult first 6 months or so. My confidence was shot as I took the fact that I couldn't get settled quickly to heart and I wondered what was wrong with me and I found myself projecting my frustration with myself on the whole population (48 million people...I hated them all).
I look back now and laugh but I'll be honest, on the days I don't feel great about myself, I once again blame the citizens of this city.
What I'm trying to say is it's completely illogical to discount the whole population of a country as "assholes" never mind 3.5 billion people on this planet. The Spanish, as it turned out, possess national traits that grate on me but there's as many good and bad people here as anywhere.
Whoopsy asked you if you felt superior to these women but you said that you, in fact, feel inferior. Could it be that you're projecting your own insecurities on a whole gender and discounting them before you even give them a chance?
Can't you see how irrational to put all of us in the same category? Of course there are bitches but unfortunately, arseholes tend to be the loudest in this world. As Beks said, you have to see what the common denominator is in these interactions like I did. I worked on myself, got a bit more self belief and became more open to people here as a result....I'm even going out with one of the arseholes now
This is just my thought. I genuinely think it's a pity you see women this way. I've had my moments in the past (no one is perfect) and I've been called a bitch for things I've said and done on occasion (on here sometimes too) but generally speaking, I'm a good person and generally treat people with respect. If I was judged on every mistake I've made, I'd be a very lonely person as a result. I'm better as I've got older, in fact, more forgiving of others and their faults because I'm more aware of my own.
I've often got people wrong; making judgements about them without knowing them only to discover they're decent skins underneath it all and many of them have even become my frineds. We're only human, OP. No one is perfect and most PEOPLE are good, men and women.
I'd say be honest with yourself. Are you happy with yourself? Do you accept yourself as you are? I believe it's only then that you can be accepting of others. That's what I learned anyway.0 -
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OP, I was struck by your lack of empathy with women who have really severe periods in another thread, and the way you dismissively said "If you can afford a holiday, you can afford to take measures for painful periods" so if that's any insight into your attitude, well maybe you need to examine your own behaviour around women.
I never believe "It's everyone else, not me" stuff. How come I know countless women who are nothing like what you describe? I do agree women are more likely to be catty than men, but I don't subscribe to that to the point that I start believing it about every woman.
Meh, says more about you than all the women whom you don't know but say such things about anyway. If you're a woman also, well... seems to fit with your theory.ALL women are b*tches, I agree with you....its a fact!
They are jealous, rude, spiteful, the list goes on and on and on..... 0 -
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I guess the one common factor in all of these friendships is that we discuss the personal & that's how we become a support to each other as such - just last night I spent two hours on Skype talking to my best female friend , both "venting" about the guys we're seeing because we'd had sh1tty weeks respectively & needed to voice our angst to someone. We were laughing about the lads, thinking "they're probably down the pub talking about yesterday's match oblivious to the absolute headfcuk they're putting us through" but that's just the value of our friendship - we share, we emote, we bond over our need to understand our relationships.
It's not "being bitchy" or putting others down or any number of negative female traits you seem to have concocted in your head, it's finding a safe place to release some pent up emotions & trying to make sense of our lives in the knowledge that someone else understands and cares.
Except what you're describing is positive and caring. Not at all the kind of b*tching I'm talking about. 'Who does she think she is, cutting her hair like that?' or 'would she not have ironed that shirt?'Lunni, I have worked in a small company where the staff were all women and could be very b*tchy at times despite being lovely people most of the time. I'm assuming you are also in a small company/part of a small team. However, you still have to make an effort. Being aloof and not talking to them at all does make it appear that you don't want anything to do with them and it creates bad feeling in such a small team. Getting along with your co-workers is part and parcel of your job IMO and you need to make as much an effort to fit in with the team as with your actual work. There is no harm in chatting to them about what you watched on tv or saw in the cinema or a restaurant you visited at the weekend without giving anything too personal away. A lot of the time the b*tching that you have mentioned arises through stressful situations in the workplace IMO and is basically them letting off steam. It is not nice and can be uncomfortable if they are talking about someone you like but these women are work colleagues, not your friends and you are stuck with them for as long as you work there.
I always have chatted about the weekend, suggested films to see, bars to visit, shops to check out. Apparently that's not good enough.Eve_Dublin wrote: »
Over time I realised that it had nothing to do with the Spanish and everything to do with them. They'd alll "fled" to Spain leaving their countries and leaving behind some very messed up situations (divorces, drug dealing etc.) and they're were all essentially functioning alcoholics. Nice people but they didn't like themselves very much.
Funny you should bring up Spain because that's where I am and all my colleagues have that anti-Spanish attitude and they too are all 'escaping' something from back home. I've had the last 4 months of trying to defend the Spanish against my colleague's opinion that they're stupid, arrogant, ignorant, rude lazy and that it's all their own fault the country is a mess.What I'm trying to say is it's completely illogical to discount the whole population of a country as "assholes" never mind 3.5 billion people on this planet. The Spanish, as it turned out, possess national traits that grate on me but there's as many good and bad people here as anywhere.
Whoopsy asked you if you felt superior to these women but you said that you, in fact, feel inferior. Could it be that you're projecting your own insecurities on a whole gender and discounting them before you even give them a chance?
Can't you see how irrational to put all of us in the same category? Of course there are bitches but unfortunately, arseholes tend to be the loudest in this world. As Beks said, you have to see what the common denominator is in these interactions like I did. I worked on myself, got a bit more self belief and became more open to people here as a result....I'm even going out with one of the arseholes now
I'd say be honest with yourself. Are you happy with yourself? Do you accept yourself as you are? I believe it's only then that you can be accepting of others. That's what I learned anyway.
I get your point...I know it's illogical. Yes, I am happy with myself as a person. I think I'm a nice person. I'm not fake, I don't b*tch, always willing to lend a hand etc. I know I'm far from perfect which is why I let a lot of stuff go in other people. For God's sake, my colleague used to moan about Irish people and how thick they are and how they can't speak proper English, knowing full well I'm Irish, and I still tried to be polite and diplomatic!Well you certainly fulfilled your own prophecy there lol what do you expect if you go in to any situation where there are 'middle aged women' with a stereotype of middle aged women , and an insulting and unimaginative one at that - ''mammy types'' ???!!!!
Not surprised you're experiencing negativity at the moment :P
Could you be any more nickpickey? It was meant in a positive way - as in I was expecting these women to be mature, caring, wise, positive, like the few middle-aged women I'm close to and adore (such as my MIL). I wasn't expecting bitter, nasty, judgemental, childish people. Most of my colleagues are less mature than the kids I teach. One of them asked for 2 days off next week to make it 'fair' because I have 2 days off next week. I'm going to be in the hospital!OP, I was struck by your lack of empathy with women who have really severe periods in another thread, and the way you dismissively said "If you can afford a holiday, you can afford to take measures for painful periods" so if that's any insight into your attitude, well maybe you need to examine your own behaviour around women.
I never believe "It's everyone else, not me" stuff. How come I know countless women who are nothing like what you describe? I do agree women are more likely to be catty than men, but I don't subscribe to that to the point that I start believing it about every woman.
Meh, says more about you than all the women whom you don't know but say such things about anyway. If you're a woman also, well... seems to fit with your theory.
To be honest, that post struck a nerve with me because the poster said something about wishing for early menopause, which I found pretty offensive, even in jest. I haven't had a period in years. I really don't know if I'll be able to have children. When I did have periods, they were very heavy and painful, but that's absolutely nothing compared to NOT having them. I don't think early menopause is really an OK thing to 'wish' for on a women's forum, just because your period is going to arrive during your holiday, so perhaps I'm not the only one 'lacking in empathy'?
Any woman I know who is that bothered, has gone on the pill or another type of treatment to postpone or get rid of their periods. Yes, I did see that post as very 'drama queeny' and insensitive, but I do realise a lot of that is my own issue.0 -
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