No women friends

Lunni

I'm a woman. As the title says, I have no women friends. Some acquaintances, but all my close friends are men. I've been trying so hard to make women friends my entire life, but there must be something wrong with me because I just.don't.get.women.

I remember in primary school being confused by how mean most of the girls were. I've always been very straightforward and open, so I could never understand why so many girls were nice to your face and then horrible behind your back. Why would you bother? I also found that they would apply their standards to you and assume you were as calculating, manipulative and mean as they were. One example that stands out is when I accidentally knocked into a girl in the canteen and her drink smashed on the floor. She immediately called me a b*tch and said I'd done it to get back at her for doing the same thing to me several months earlier (didn't even remember that incident!) and most of the canteen agreed. I was just gobsmacked that anyone would even think like that. It was an accident and that was that.

I've found that long after primary school, most of the women I meet still act like that. My last job had a lot of women and I was really keen to fit in and get to know them, so I accepted an offer to join a small group in the pub after work. What a mistake - it was just one long b*tchfest, tearing apart everyone else in the company. I made my excuses after an hour and left, feeling totally drained. I'm sure they then b*tched about me. The issue is, if you join in with it, you feel crap and if you try to ignore it, they think you're snobby. I'm having a really stressful time at work atm - I have Fridays off for personal reasons and the other women at work think I'm calculating and engineered having Fridays off so I can have a long weekend every week. It hadn't even occurred to me that they'd think that. I wouldn't.

So...I just have lots and lots of male friends. It's getting to the stage now where I'm ready to stop even trying to be friends with women. I know not all women are b*tches, but many, many women seem to be. And overly concerned with the pettiest, silliest things, which is a character trait I abhor. Is it something I'm doing wrong? I watch films and TV shows with women who genuinely care about each other, trust each other, have loads of fun together and it makes me feel so sad. I had a few lovely friends in college, but that was 6 years ago and we're in different countries now. I haven't met anyone I've 'connected' with since then!

the_syco

Lunni wrote: »

Is it something I'm doing wrong?

Not really. I know of a few women who prefer male friends, as females tend to be what you describe. In saying that, they have maybe one or two female besties, but they're mainly childhood friends.

Wibbs

I've had about equal numbers of men and women mates(male here) and none of the women were like that. I've certainly known women as you describe, but just as someone could say "men are just into sport and pubs" they were only a subset of the whole. That said and as a woman mate once said to me, maybe I'd tend to see the "bitchy" stuff less precisely because I'm a bloke? Thinking back one mate I haven't seen in years was a bit like that with other women, but not around men. For the record I've also known men to act like this. Less so, but I reckon that's down to a bigger fear of being physically called on it.

Eve_Dublin

the_syco wrote: »

Not really. I know of a few women who prefer male friends, as females tend to be what you describe. In saying that, they have maybe one or two female besties, but they're mainly childhood friends.

You're saying women are bitches generally?

Lunni

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

You're saying women are bitches generally?

Well, that's how I feel, as generalising and politically incorrect as it is. I feel like nice, genuine, warm women who aren't nasty, competitive, suspicious of other women and don't assume the worst of you are very few and far between.

Eve_Dublin

Just out of curiosity OP, did you go to an all girls school?

I must be really lucky, I know so many genuinely nice women who don't tear each other or anyone else apart for sport.

Maybe make more of an effort OP so that you're seeing things from the inside rather than standing outside and judging out of context. Or just try make nicer friends.

Women (and men) seem to get nicer and more tolerant as they get older. Don't write off half the human population on the basis of a few.

Eve_Dublin

Lunni wrote: »

Well, that's how I feel, as generalising and politically incorrect as it is. I feel like nice, genuine, warm women who aren't nasty, competitive, suspicious of other women and don't assume the worst of you are very few and far between.

The majority of women I know and have encountered in my life have been like that. I've met a fair few bitches on the way, of course but I've also met a fair few pricks (male). Most of my friends are female. I've got a very different view of women to you, it would seem and I suppose I can't convince you otherwise if that's been your experience. I'm sorry that's the case.

Lunni

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Just out of curiosity OP, did you go to an all girls school?

No, it was a mixed school.

Candie, it's funny you should say that because I've found that women get even worse as they get older. Middle-aged women are the bane of my life at the minute, at work! Bitter, moany, negative, judgemental, rude... when the boss said my colleagues were all middle-aged women, I was expecting maybe a few 'mammy' types who would be friendly and warm, but they're horrible.

Princess Peach

I have very few female friends. The only ones I am close to live in different countries

Girls I was friends with from school and my late teens I fell out with, or we lost touch. I've experienced a lot of mean behaviour from them. I fell out with one friend for something she did to me, and other friends took her side and would talk about me and make it known I wasn't invited to hang out. Others I simply lost touch with, but was talked about and ignored after, even though that was a mutual lack of effort but I was the one left out then since I was no longer part of the group.

I know I could make a better effort to become friends with these girls again, but really I just couldnt be bothered with their drama and would find it hard to trust them again. I don't understand mean people at all!

But the few close friends I have are fantastic friends, despite being so far away! It really made me realise who is a genuine friend and who is a friend when it is convenient to them. So I wouldn't tar all women with the same brush. I used to ask if it was something wrong with me that I was losing all my friends, but really I just had bad luck in who I had met and became close too. I'd always make a genuine effort with anyone new I met and assume the best of them until I learned otherwise.

the_syco

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

You're saying women are bitches generally?

I'm saying that the women I know found other women to be bitchy. As a whole, I don't notice it, but they tell me that women would nice as pie to each other, but when one leaves (to goto the bathroom, for example), the other women would bitch about her.

Personally, I find this odd, but before it pointed out to me, I didn't see it.

I've come across many a bitch in my time, particularly when I was a teenager. However, I know very few of the women you describe and the ones I do, simply aren't my friends. I've no interest in associating with people (male or female) who carry on like that.

I really cannot stand these "women are bitches" generalisations - in honesty, I hate any sort of generalisation. I particularly don't understand them when they are made by a person who is in the group they are generalising about. You are a woman, so therefore you know that not all woman are like this. You just need to find people you are more compatible with, it's not about gender.

Are you hoping that this thread will somehow change your mind about women?

Gauge

Lunni wrote: »

So...I just have lots and lots of male friends. It's getting to the stage now where I'm ready to stop even trying to be friends with women. I know not all women are b*tches, but many, many women seem to be. And overly concerned with the pettiest, silliest things, which is a character trait I abhor. Is it something I'm doing wrong? I watch films and TV shows with women who genuinely care about each other, trust each other, have loads of fun together and it makes me feel so sad. I had a few lovely friends in college, but that was 6 years ago and we're in different countries now. I haven't met anyone I've 'connected' with since then!

If that's how you view a lot of women, it's really not surprising you are having difficulty making female friends... I'd imagine most women can sense your disdain for them a mile away and it's probably putting them off.

I'm not attacking you OP but... you say you want to meet nice, genuine, warm women. Well, like attracts like. Nice, warm, women aren't going to want to be in the company of someone who has already written them off as you do in your post. You may not think it's obvious but in my experience with women who claim they are unable to get along with other women for the most part, their attitude and generalisations are usually completely obvious to everyone around them and it's extremely off putting.

Don't cut out 50% of the population based on what you've experienced with a few bad apples. There are countless great, pleasant and interesting women/ potential friends out there but they're not going to come looking for you- you need to make an effort as well.

pinkstars

ALL women are b*tches, I agree with you....its a fact!
They are jealous, rude, spiteful, the list goes on and on and on.....

Lunni

Deleted User wrote: »

I've come across many a bitch in my time, particularly when I was a teenager. However, I know very few of the women you describe and the ones I do, simply aren't my friends. I've no interest in associating with people (male or female) who carry on like that.

I really cannot stand these "women are bitches" generalisations - in honesty, I hate any sort of generalisation. I particularly don't understand them when they are made by a person who is in the group they are generalising about. You are a woman, so therefore you know that not all woman are like this. You just need to find people you are more compatible with, it's not about gender.

Are you hoping that this thread will somehow change your mind about women?

I honestly feel like a different species and have done since I was a child. I have no interest in associating with people like that either, but it's very hard to know how to deal with it when you HAVE to be around them. I generally just avoid them, but then you get the whispering and comments about being snobby and rude.

I just wanted to know if anyone else experienced the same thing and how they dealt with/fixed it.

Gauge wrote: »

If that's how you view a lot of women, it's really not surprising you are having difficulty making female friends... I'd imagine most women can sense your disdain for them a mile away and it's probably putting them off.

I'm not attacking you OP but... you say you want to meet nice, genuine, warm women. Well, like attracts like. Nice, warm, women aren't going to want to be in the company of someone who has already written them off as you do in your post. You may not think it's obvious but in my experience with women who claim they are unable to get along with other women for the most part, their attitude and generalisations are usually completely obvious to everyone around them and it's extremely off putting.

Don't cut out 50% of the population based on what you've experienced with a few bad apples. There are countless great, pleasant and interesting women/ potential friends out there but they're not going to come looking for you- you need to make an effort as well.

To be honest, it's in my character to assume the best of people, so I do. And I get burned time and time and time again. I've given up sharing anything in any way personal, because it always gets back to me and clearly has been spread around and gossiped about. Perhaps it is a vicious circle - I can tell when someone isn't to be trusted, so I'm on guard, so I'm not myself, so I'm not overly friendly, so others think I'm rude - but I can't see any way out of it.

Mod

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Lunni

Lunni wrote: »

I honestly feel like a different species and have done since I was a child.

Do you feel that you are superior to most women? it's a genuine question by the way.

Perhaps it is a vicious circle - I can tell when someone isn't to be trusted, so I'm on guard, so I'm not myself, so I'm not overly friendly, so others think I'm rude - but I can't see any way out of it.

I don't trust a lot of people, but there is never a need to not be friendly towards them. You don't have to tell people anything about yourself, just be nice, that's all it takes and it's the easiest thing in the world. You can be friendly to people without being their friends.

Das Kitty

I used to have few female friends and find it difficult to get on with girls.

Turns out I didn't like myself very much, and when I sorted that out I gained flocks of lady-mates and honestly I'm so happy now.

Not saying that's the case with you, OP. But I really felt I was deflecting the negative feelings I had about myself on other women. I found out that a lot of the people I previously had no time for struggled as much as I did and had the same fears and hopes. It can be easy to write people off, but everybody has something going on in their lives and their heads that you're not aware of.

Lunni

Deleted User wrote: »

Do you feel that you are superior to most women? it's a genuine question by the way.

No, just different. I spent most of my life feeling inferior because I couldn't understand/didn't fit in with other women but now I've realised that I am who I am.

I don't trust a lot of people, but there is never a need to not be friendly towards them. You don't have to tell people anything about yourself, just be nice, that's all it takes and it's the easiest thing in the world. You can be friendly to people without being their friends.

That's what I used to think, but I've been accused of being unfriendly at work for 'doing my own thing', not being very interested in meeting up after work, not really telling them anything I was up to. They all think I'm sneaky and weird, when really, I knew we just didn't get along and I wanted to be polite, but keep my head down and get on with my life. There's a man at work who does that and nobody talks about him, but because I'm a woman, there seems to be this expectation that I owe them friendship or something.

These people made me feel very uncomfortable (constant b*tching about everything and everyone) and brought me down at a time in my life when I already have enough to worry about, so I tried my best to just not get involved but now apparently even that's rude.

Eve_Dublin

Lunni wrote: »

I honestly feel like a different species and have done since I was a child. I have no interest in associating with people like that either, but it's very hard to know how to deal with it when you HAVE to be around them. I generally just avoid them, but then you get the whispering and comments about being snobby and rude.

I just wanted to know if anyone else experienced the same thing and how they dealt with/fixed it.



To be honest, it's in my character to assume the best of people, so I do. And I get burned time and time and time again. I've given up sharing anything in any way personal, because it always gets back to me and clearly has been spread around and gossiped about. Perhaps it is a vicious circle - I can tell when someone isn't to be trusted, so I'm on guard, so I'm not myself, so I'm not overly friendly, so others think I'm rude - but I can't see any way out of it.

But it's sounds like you wrote most women off a long time ago, so when you meet one, you expect the worst, not the best. That what I'm getting from your posts.

And how can you tell if someone is not to be trusted? The vicious circle from where I'm standing is the fact that you expect the worst, you're on guard, you seem rude and women around you react to that. What do you think?

Dolbert

Lunni wrote: »

That's what I used to think, but I've been accused of being unfriendly at work for 'doing my own thing', not being very interested in meeting up after work, not really telling them anything I was up to. They all think I'm sneaky and weird, when really, I knew we just didn't get along and I wanted to be polite, but keep my head down and get on with my life.

If you don't make any effort with women, then they won't make any effort with you, simple as that. People (not just women) can pick up very easily if you've dismissed them from the get-go.

Lunni

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

But it's sounds like you wrote most women off a long time ago, so when you meet one, you expect the worst, not the best. That what I'm getting from your posts.

And how can you tell if someone is not to be trusted? The vicious circle from where I'm standing is the fact that you expect the worst, you're on guard, you seem rude and women around you react to that. What do you think?

I can generally tell when I tell them something personal and it gets back to me a day later from someone else! That's how I can tell! Time and time and time again, I assume the best of someone only to have it come back and bite me in the arse. I tried really hard with this woman from work and it turns out she was taking everything I said, twisting it and telling the other women. Same story as just about every other place I've ever worked.

Daisy78

No there isn't anything wrong with you. I totally relate to what you are saying and I think maybe your post is being misinterpreted as a "all women are bitches" bashing exercise which I don't think that us what you are saying. I'm a fairly easygoing laid back woman in my thirties and I find it difficult to make female friends. I have often found myself excluded from groups of women because I don't engage in bitching, gossiping or dragging people down for no reason. This is NOT to say all women are like this but a sizeable portion are. Men I find are more forgiving of each others flaws and tend to accept people as they are - I work in a male dominated environment so I see this first hand. They tend to adopt a more live and let live attitude than women imo.

It can be disappointing when a potential friendship goes pear shaped over this type of behaviour. My advice would be true to yourself, open up to others when you feel ready and don't cut yourself off from meeting new female friends because that would be a sad place to end up all because of s few bad experiences. There are some smashing women out there, it just takes the right circumstances and a bit of effort to meet them.

JaManSnowFlake

A quote from a meme I read the other day:

"Don't try and understand women, women understand women and they ****ing hate each other"

Lunni

Dolbert wrote: »

If you don't make any effort with women, then they won't make any effort with you, simple as that. People (not just women) can pick up very easily if you've dismissed them from the get-go.

Sometimes I can just see (such as in this case, at my current job) when there's no way we're ever going to get along. I'm never going to get along with someone racist, xenophobic, rude, who can't stop talking about others behind their back and who just makes me feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I have spent the last 4 months making an effort to chat on the metro, but it just leaves me feeling crap and drained and awful about myself.

Wouldn't it have been better to have completely avoided these people from the get go? That's what the man did. He got a bike and cycling to work because it was so toxic. I tried to put up with it and ignore it and look where it got me.

Lunni

Daisy78 wrote: »

No there isn't anything wrong with you. I totally relate to what you are saying and I think maybe your post is being misinterpreted as a "all women are bitches" bashing exercise which I don't think that us what you are saying. I'm a fairly easygoing laid back woman in my thirties and I find it difficult to make female friends. I have often found myself excluded from groups of women because I don't engage in bitching, gossiping or dragging people down for no reason. This is NOT to say all women are like this but a sizeable portion are. Men I find are more forgiving of each others flaws and tend to accept people as they are - I work in a male dominated environment so I see this first hand. They tend to adopt a more live and let live attitude than women imo.

It can be disappointing when a potential friendship goes pear shaped over this type of behaviour. My advice would be true to yourself, open up to others when you feel ready and don't cut yourself off from meeting new female friends because that would be a sad place to end up all because of s few bad experiences. There are some smashing women out there, it just takes the right circumstances and a bit of effort to meet them.

I think this is it. Live and let live, not picking people apart for the sake of it.

I will try to continue being positive and trying to meet nice people.

cantdecide

I've often had similar feelings. Both in terms of how I've viewed myself and how I've viewed the world but it wasn't directed to one gender. I'm pretty quiet and reserved for the most part I've often struggled to gain rapport with people and I still struggle with new people. Others can be very openly distrustful of quiet people. However, I've been lucky enough to make some really wonderful friendships with some really nice people who I would consider above all that bitterness and nastiness that you describe. It seems the world has less and less room for quiet, genuine, down-to-earth types.

My theory is that some just demand higher standards for themselves but lack the outgoingness to put themselves across in a way that can win others over. IME, people with true confidence would never participate in this kind of intrigue and unfortunately, not everyone falls into this category. In life, you will have days when you feel like this all could swallow you up.

I can only offer the suggestion that your experience comes down to bad luck. Please don't write anyone off because of their gender.

Gauge

I don't think the problem is do with sex. It is about how people relate to each in groups.
Your work crew probably have very little to bond over, as individuals. So for the kind of person who need to compete/have social power. Bitching is a fast track to create a sense of rapport. People gets sucked in, because they are no real bonds in the first place.
By not partaking, your excluded, and an easy target.
What goes around come around. I seriously doubt any of these people, will have worthwhile friendships in 5 years time. More pity them, if they do.

It is not that men don't have these situations. I think they are less apparent, because they don't tend to talk about them as much.
Also like the man in work, your excluded from being involved based on your sex. Your just not seen as competition.

If you want to make women friends, follow your interests. Bond with individuals who you have something in common with.
Forget about trying to navigate group politics.
If people want to try and make a point, by complaining about your polite lack of involvement.
That is their problem.

Gauge wrote: »

Well, like attracts like.

I don't think there is much truth in that.
Bitchy, manipulative, controlling types.
Need soft, "can't see any badness" type people to put with them, let them have free reign.

meeeeh

Did you by any chance open a topic about your co-workers in personal issues? Anyway it doesn't matter if you did or didn't.

Your ramble here is complete nonsense. For whatever reason my best friends are male (we just clicked) but not because all women are bitches or some other ridiculous argument. I was bullied a bit by boys, never by girls and I never had any problems with my female classmates or coworkers. When you start thinking it's anybody but you, it just might be you. Besides what does it matter what gender are your friends? If they are male, so what, you are lucky enough that you have many friends and leave it at that.

Wibbs

meeeeh conjecture about a posters history elsewhere on Boards is not on, especially if it's concerning PI

meeeeh

Sorry didn't mean anything by it, it just seemed very familiar to me.