Funniest things you've heard people say on a night out...

WanabeOlympian

We were out in the porter house one night and there was a group of D4 girls across from us. One of the lads went over to say hello and asked them 'sorry is that a mullingar accent I'm hearing?' ;-)

Caliden

Heard some bird say her oul lad was a top earner in KPMG, funny thing was he had left the place 3 years before.

Mad as a bad of spiders that one.

dodderangler

Hear this one all the time

I DO MMA
Always cracks me up

Where To

Here's an extra twenty euro for getting me home safely and comfortably.

RainMaker

dodderangler wrote: »

Hear this one all the time

I DO MMA
Always cracks me up

You mean UFC!

SEPT 23 1989

have you no homes to go to?

CardBordWindow

I think you've had enough.

dodderangler

RainMaker wrote: »

You mean UFC!

Only ever heard one lad say UFC and I hung him for it
I said you do know UFC is the actual organisation of best fighters in the world at mixed martial arts
The silence from him was deafening

ft9

Sure we'll only have one or two. Cracks me up every time.

Phoenix Lights

I didn't hear this on a night out rather somebody who I played football with years ago told me this story. Anyhow one new years eve, his dad had a bit too much to drink and told the family he was moving them out to Africa in the new year to work as missionaries !

dr.bollocko

Lets smash pissers.

castletownman

I've a friend who is liable to do or say anything when he has beer in him. His latest one was when we were in the resident's bar in a hotel during a recent weekend away and there was a hen party staying in the same hotel. One of the group was a large girl, and she was eating a packet of crisps. My friend stuck his head in when she was having a chat with two more of her friends and asked her with no shred of prior thought, but very audibly "Why are you so fat?"

I know it's probably a horrible thing to find funny, but in fairness we were all drunk at the time and she actually took it well. Asked him why he was so ugly

tipptopper

Overheard a group of lads in Rocky’s pub in nenagh one night a few years back, went along the lines of this;

Well the lord jaysus would ye look at the tits on that one, you could suck one and puck the other

Half the bar erupts in laughter at your man and he as red as beetroot, didn’t realise he said it so loud!

castletownman

castletownman wrote: »

I've a friend who is liable to do or say anything when he has beer in him. His latest one was when we were in the resident's bar in a hotel during a recent weekend away and there was a hen party staying in the same hotel. One of the group was a large girl, and she was eating a packet of crisps. My friend stuck his head in when she was having a chat with two more of her friends and asked her with no shred of prior thought, but very audibly "Why are you so fat?"

I know it's probably a horrible thing to find funny, but in fairness we were all drunk at the time and she actually took it well. Asked him why he was so ugly

So alcohol gives you the excuse to be a dick. Interesting.

have2flushtwice

tipptopper wrote: »

Overheard a group of lads in Rocky’s pub in nenagh one night a few years back, went along the lines of this;

Well the lord jaysus would ye look at the tits on that one, you could suck one and puck the other

Half the bar erupts in laughter at your man and he as red as beetroot, didn’t realise he said it so loud!

I was there, and I know the lad who said it! He was a regular till the price of the pint came down 5 cent. Jim didnt drop the price, and was asked why, he replied, "Well I never put it up the last time." the argument started and said fella left and moved 100 yards down the road!

admiralofthefleet

ARE YOU READY THERE LADIES AND GENTS PLEASE

Seans_Username

Where To wrote: »

Here's an extra twenty euro for getting me home safely and comfortably.

I know a guy who was really drunk one night and didnt have enough money to pay the taxi driver so he runs inside the house, looks around the sitting room and comes out with a tv and insists that the taxi driver take it as a payment.

He then ran back in and comes out with an acoustic guitar and hands it to him as an apologetic payment for not having money. As if the tv was't enough... The guitar was worth €300 too

WanabeOlympian

One for the road, and one for the one that was never rode. :P

admiralofthefleet

castletownman wrote: »

I've a friend who is liable to do or say anything when he has beer in him. His latest one was when we were in the resident's bar in a hotel during a recent weekend away and there was a hen party staying in the same hotel. One of the group was a large girl, and she was eating a packet of crisps. My friend stuck his head in when she was having a chat with two more of her friends and asked her with no shred of prior thought, but very audibly "Why are you so fat?"

I know it's probably a horrible thing to find funny, but in fairness we were all drunk at the time and she actually took it well. Asked him why he was so ugly

your 'friend' is not someone i would want to associate with

Sadderday

The DJ is crap tonight
Do you come here often
He's a grenade
Going for a kebab after
I've a tattoo on my ar'se
chug the pints - loser gets a kick in the sack
A Heffer
Just a quiet one
If she asks, I stayed in yours, right?
Do these do take out?
My mate thinks your alright
Have you got a chewing gum?
Sunday is the new Saturday
Your taking the piss mate
Why did you bother ironing it if your just going to be taking it off
need me billies

summerskin

Was out about 20 years ago with a load of friends, and one of them wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

he'd just got his first cashcard from the bank, at the age of about 19, and wasn't sure about how to use it, so asked us for help.

We told him to put his card in, and then enter his PIN. Then he said "what do i do next?" I said "just let the machine know how much money you want" thinking the screens were self explanatory.

Instead he leaned over and shouted "Fifty quid please" into the ATM....

blaze1

"Yor ma sideways"

mackeire

Man: id give her one.
Woman: i wouldnt go near you if you were the last man on earth.
Man: i was marking you out of 10 you fat bitch.

Made me laugh.

who_me

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

have you no homes to go to?

That was said so often it just merged with the background noise. The barman at our local had to resort to "Get out you big fat bastards" to get anyone's attention.

Sadderday

Last orders: can i have ; 4 pints, 4 shots of tequila, 4 double vodkas and 2 redbull

clappyhappy

Posted this before, but worth posting again. Some years ago myself and a few friends were out for a meal, decided afterwards to go across to hotel bar for a few drinks.
On the same night there was a macra na feirime dinner dance on. One of the lads at it took a shine to one of my friends, she had no interest.
Anyway as the night went on he kept trying to chat her up, offer her a dance etc, while at the same time getting more drunk. After another shot at trying to attract her, he turned around and said "do you ate hay?"my friend looked at him puzzled, again he repeated himself rather loudly, "do you ate hay?"my friend said "no I do not eat hay". Your man turned around and said "well you're the first fůcking cow that I know that doesn't".
Funniest thing we ever heard, and most of the bar heard also.
Can't beat a macra dance for a few unique characters.

Sadderday

(from a bloke to red haired girl in a smoking area)

'Here, do ya read books?'

'yeah???'

'Have ya red pubes?'

Tonto86

Was at a house party with the missus on new years. There was a sheepish lookin lad with his new girlfriend. She was tellin him how she was gonna play with his ass later. Then she went picking out stuff to put up where it don't belong.... she got all the way up to a giant novelty lighter.

Poor lad would be getting parts in John Wayne movies

Drakares

dodderangler wrote: »

Hear this one all the time

I DO MMA
Always cracks me up

+1.. What the hell is with this?!

"I used to do MMA".. I'd still kick the shít out of you so I'm not sure if you want a fight or a compliment?! Good lad! :pac:

Tombo2001

clappyhappy wrote: »

Posted this before, but worth posting again. Some years ago myself and a few field were out for a meal, decided afterwards to go across to hotel bar for a few drinks.
On the same night there was a macra na feirime dinner dance on. One of the lads at it took a shine to one of my friends, she had no interest.
Anyway as the night went on he kept trying to chat her up, offer her a dance etc, while at the same time getting more drunk. After another shot at trying to attract her, he turned around and said "do you ate hay?"my friend looked at him puzzled, again he repeated himself rather loudly, "do you ate hay?"my friend said "no I do not eat hay". Your man turned around and said "well you're the first fůcking cow that I know that doesn't".
Funniest thing we ever heard, and most of the bar heard also.
Can't beat a macra dance for a few unique characters.

Good story that....

"myself and a few field were out for a meal"

Is that a typo or is it actually a slang word...

Penn

"See yer wan over there? I went up to her and I said 'Do you sleep on your belly, and if not, can I?' Haha, talk to you fella!"

Some random bloke who came up to me outside a bar in Salou, said that and walked off.

Sadderday

pwwwhhhhhaaaawwwww .... i'd do her damage

Sadderday

dont drink that, DONT DRINK THAT.. yer woman over there got sick in it

Sadderday

I've a naggin in me bra - i just put it on the loosest

nice1franko

Are ye a ladybird or a dirtbird?

http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-ash3/s160x160/61433_567010563325360_1094856479_a.jpg

Sadderday

nice1franko wrote: »

Are ye a ladybird or a dirtbird?

http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-ash3/s160x160/61433_567010563325360_1094856479_a.jpg

that ones from love/hate

Sadderday

goin ta drain the monster

castletownman

Seeing as my first one went down like a lead balloon (unsurprisingly), I just remembered another story.

Was in a pub in town one Friday afternoon after a half day in work and it wasn't that busy but there were a few regulars there goading one of their mates who was fanatical about cycling. Taking the piss out of him saying that he is no good at cycling and that he needs stabilisers and stuff like that. He retorted that he had a top of the range bike at home, proper cycling gear and everything. Lads kept messing with him to the point were he downed his pint and left. Anyway, who comes back into the pub some fifteen minutes later, only the man they were jeering, dressed head to toe in his cycling gear, wheeling his bike in by his side. It was one of the more surreal things I've seen whilst having an afternoon pint.

Sadderday

castletownman wrote: »

Seeing as my first one went down like a lead balloon (unsurprisingly), I just remembered another story.

Was in a pub in town one Friday afternoon after a half day in work and it wasn't that busy but there were a few regulars there goading one of their mates who was fanatical about cycling. Taking the piss out of him saying that he is no good at cycling and that he needs stabilisers and stuff like that. He retorted that he had a top of the range bike at home, proper cycling gear and everything. Lads kept messing with him to the point were he downed his pint and left. Anyway, who comes back into the pub some fifteen minutes later, only the man they were jeering, dressed head to toe in his cycling gear, wheeling his bike in by his side. It was one of the more surreal things I've seen whilst having an afternoon pint.

i'd say ya'd have to be there....

Sadderday

whats the story with whats her face?

LoonyLovegood

"You can come back to mine, but you'll have to be quiet, it's my aunt's house"

jonnyfingers

A good few years ago when in the queue outside a, now closed, well known Waterford night club, the bouncer shouted out that anyone who's out celebrating their Junior Cert results should queue at the other side of the door as there was a special discounted entry price for them.

About twelve lads were delighted with themselves and left to queue up at the other side of the door. The bouncer then turned to them and said "You're all underage, f*** off, you're not getting in!".

Absolutely brilliant.

homemadecider

On the way into town one night, I was sitting on the DART opposite a group of young guys heading out on the piss.

Guy 1: Lads, seriously, would any of you do gay porn for one million euro?

Guy 2: Ah yeah, I totally would! Sure for that money you could buy a thousand women and get them to lick the gay off you.

Nearly split my sides trying not to laugh.

channro

"Isn't it mad how they got a gorilla to play the drums for that Cadbury's ad?"

wobzilla1

A mate of mine who was working in a butchers at the time went up to a young one and offered to Bone and roll her for a fiver

clappyhappy

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Good story that....

"myself and a few field were out for a meal"

Is that a typo or is it actually a slang word...

Sorry, typo, should be friends!!!

jammywammy

wobzilla1 wrote: »

A mate of mine who was working in a butchers at the time went up to a young one and offered to Bone and roll her for a fiver

Ah brilliant