Am I a doormat?

Cupcake_Crisis

Dravokivich wrote: »

A lot of people here are advising you to throw in the occasional "No." Wouldn't be too in a rush to do so myself.

All you've mentioned is that at times you feel they don't share any of the support with you, that you've helped provide them.

Nothing in the OP mentioned you were overwhelmed by the the help you have done for your friends. You just need to discuss with them how you feel on it at times when you need their help. If you can't feel you are able discuss this with them, you should be thinking more of what the relationship is about to you with these people without consideration of the favours you've done for them. Going from someone who is supportful, helpful and approachable, to someone who is an occasional shut out, is not the way to go about doing it. You will not address the issue with your friends by doing that, but merely ignore it.

But surely if his friends notice a change in his behavior it could open up a dialogue, then the op could explain that he feels he's not getting the support he should be? I know personally i'd feel like a knob for just bringing the subject up seemingly unprovoked.

Dravokivich

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

But surely if his friends notice a change in his behavior it could open up a dialogue, then the op could explain that he feels he's not getting the support he should be? I know personally i'd feel like a knob for just bringing the subject up seemingly unprovoked.

Going for extremes such as saying no and shutting out on them sporadically isn't needed. It's an over dramatic and childish action to take.

Cupcake_Crisis

Dravokivich wrote: »

Going for extremes such as saying no and shutting out on them sporadically isn't needed. It's an over dramatic and childish action to take.

He doesn't have to shut them out, he just has to say 'im sorry, but i can't help you right now', i wouldn't see that as childish.

aujopimur

Stick the oul lad in a home, and start hanging around unwashed in your friend houses, cadjing food, drink and a place to sleep.

Teyla Emmagan

Give us more examples of how your friends have let you down OP, so that we may judge them even more harshly.

We need details here.

Dravokivich

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

He doesn't have to shut them out, he just has to say 'im sorry, but i can't help you right now', i wouldn't see that as childish.

It does nothing other than to ignore the problem. Which is nothing but childish.

Cupcake_Crisis

Dravokivich wrote: »

It does nothing other than to ignore the problem. Which is nothing but childish.

You ignored my second post, it could lead to a conversation as to why he's he's stopped being there for everyone all the time.

Also, how is it childish to just say no every now and then?

Dravokivich

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

You ignored my second post, it could lead to a conversation as to why he's he's stopped being there for everyone all the time.

Also, how is it childish to just say no every now and then?

I didn't. This is something bothering him, not his friends.

In my initial response I mentioned:

"If you can't feel you are able discuss this with them, you should be thinking more of what the relationship is about to you with these people without consideration of the favours you've done for them."

If there is value held by the OP for these relationships, He should speak out to his friends about it and anything that bothers him within them. Trying to play subtly is a foolish move because a point to be made by doing so, is easily missed and lessens the value to a relationship.

Saying no for the sake of it as opposed to being unable to help out doesn't address the issue. As I've mentioned previously, it just ignores it.

Hippies!

FanadMan wrote: »

I need a bit of help...nobody ever seems to want to help me.

You seem a bit needy tbh.

Pottler

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

Stop helping people, bar your father.

When they ask why tell them you felt like they weren't there for you and you needed time to focus on your self.

"Da, you're barred. Everyone else, fcuk off. I'm having some me time. It may involve coke and hookers, don't come knocking".

Cee-Jay-Cee

Refuse any more requests for help from your so called friends. To be honest they don't sound much like friends and take you for granted. Your dad is different and if he needs looking after then that's what you have to do.

Stephen P

I feel like I'm used a lot of the time. Sister-in-law is forever asking for help with her iPhone, I feel like saying if you don't know how to use it why the fu<k did you buy it? These days I try to be as sort as possible with the answer, she rarely asks me now. The next time she upgrades her phone I'll be telling her to try and do it herself.
The OH's family ask a lot of me too and they pay me with dinners.
My New Years resolution is to try get people help themselves, maybe you should try that OP? Point them in the right direction and leave it at that.

WoollyRedHat

Vocalise that it's a two way street, but there's a one way traffic flow, and you ain't happy with that.

holystungun9

I'm not the best for advice but in this case, if you are well endowed in the chest hair department, then shave Welcome into it.

boomtown123

OP - i think you maybe the male version of me.

FanadMan

laugh wrote: »

Unless your father is a cunt in which case fuck him too!

He can be from time to time lol

Alice1

That is so disappointing FanadMan. I imagine you don't get away very often.
I'm sort of with Drakovich on this. Saying "no" is an option, however, I don't really think it would be in your nature.
Having said that, caring for an aged parent is very demanding, will probably become more so with the passage of time and you need to have a break every now and again.
Can you discuss with your friends why they let you down when you need help? It wouldn't be specially easy but it might wake them up a wee bit - cos it sounds like they take you for granted.

Cathyht

This happens fairly easily, you get on with the jobs no-one else wants. Everyone knows you're 'reliable', but they are so busy in their wonderful lives, and used to using that 'busy' excuse, they are like Teflon Men and Women when it comes to doing chores. Believe it or not they tell themselves things like: Oh well OP is there minding the Da all the time anyway, he may as well do this too, and Oh, he's good at that sort of (mundane, boring, being at home thing). Yet they don't really think of you as quickly for the parties, presents, holidays. I had children fairly young, so my siblings who were childfree, with glittering careers sort of had me in the 'capable, sensible dependable for ****ty jobs' person box, while they were off having wonderful free lives.

What really works is this: When they ask you to do Boring Thankless Task, you may or may not reply yes, but whether you do it or not, you ALWAYS say this: I am glad you called/rang because I was just going to call you to do----Place Your Sh!tty Job Here. (Make sure to have a few up your sleeve for surprise callers too) It could be anything, from (for those ringing with small inconveniences) something like sourcing good price furniture, or asking them to pick up something on their way to you. For those with Bigger Offloading you ask things like painting your bathroom, organising and cooking at a BBQ or a party for you or Da, to minding your father overnight, bringing him for appointments - whatever. It is the nicest possible way to even things out, balance the relationship. And they really, really think twice before unloading unpleasant jobs on you. Stand firm, if you do the smallest thing for them, make sure they do something for you.

StinkyMunkey

People will use you as a doormat only if you let them. Sit down and think about why is it you always say yes, then try get your head around saying no.

Some people are selfish and way to self absorbed, even if you turn around and tell them how you feel - they just wont care.

I know people like that which you have described, they are not being selfish to you out of spite or because they dislike you, its simply because your an easy target. They would probably disown you for refusing them, and find anyother easy target. That said fuk em, the world is full off people looking for kind hearted easy going people like yourself as friends.

Looking out for your own interests once in a while is not selfish or childish. Everyone deserves a break from the day to day life taht can become tedious.

Like people have said - your dad is your dad after all, you only have one , look after him, but at the same time sit down and explain that you also have a life to lead.

Kylo Ren

Yes you bloody are. And you better stay like that too!

Cathyht

Keno 92 wrote: »

Yes you bloody are. And you better stay like that too!

Ingrats

ifeelill

Chuck Stone wrote: »

Hey, I just met you
and this is crazy
give me your number
and mind my baby.

And all the other AH'ers, think your crazy , But here's my number, and grilled cheese maybe ?

Abi

FanadMan wrote: »

I look after my elderly father. I babysit my friends pets. I help my friends whenever they ask. But as soon as I need a bit of help - am dropped on from a big height. And then the cycle starts all over again. I never complain but still nobody ever seems to want to help me.

Should I go postal on their collective behinds or stick to character and bend over and just take it?

Come on AH - load both barrels and let rip........need some laughs to cheer me up

Your elderly father is completely different. As somebody else said here, he took care of you, so taking care of him is the right thing to do.

Everyone else? Make yourself unavailable, stop being a 'yes' man and allowing people to take advantage of your good nature. As it stands, yes you are a doormat to everyone with the exception of your father.

Agent Mug

FanadMan wrote: »

I look after my elderly father. I babysit my friends pets. I help my friends whenever they ask. But as soon as I need a bit of help - am dropped on from a big height. And then the cycle starts all over again. I never complain but still nobody ever seems to want to help me.

Should I go postal on their collective behinds or stick to character and bend over and just take it?

Come on AH - load both barrels and let rip........need some laughs to cheer me up

Get new friends but keep the doormat, oh and by the way my new friend, I have two big guard dogs chain up out the back, you can have them for a few days, they would love to meet your old friends, but keep your father indoors okay.