Am I a doormat?

FanadMan

I look after my elderly father. I babysit my friends pets. I help my friends whenever they ask. But as soon as I need a bit of help - am dropped on from a big height. And then the cycle starts all over again. I never complain but still nobody ever seems to want to help me.

Should I go postal on their collective behinds or stick to character and bend over and just take it?

Come on AH - load both barrels and let rip........need some laughs to cheer me up

DrumSteve

Have you ever lay in front of a door for people to walk on?

Ihatecuddles-old

You seem lovely

Maybe have a word with your friends, or try to be there for them in future, but not as much as you are now. If they say jump, don't say how high.

I'm sure they all appreciate it and realise they are taking advantage a bit.

jugger

your father is your father
f*ck the rest

Tom_Cruise

You look after your friends pets so your friends should look after your elderly father.

FanadMan

DrumSteve wrote: »

Have you ever lay in front of a door for people to walk on?

Have possibly paid for someone to do that.......






.......joking of course :P

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

FanadMan wrote: »

I look after my elderly father. I babysit my friends pets. I help my friends whenever they ask. But as soon as I need a bit of help - am dropped on from a big height. And then the cycle starts all over again. I never complain but still nobody ever seems to want to help me.

Should I go postal on their collective behinds or stick to character and bend over and just take it?

Come on AH - load both barrels and let rip........need some laughs to cheer me up

Here's your problem right here. Stop asking the seagulls for help.

Difference Engine

You sound like a nice guy, you're just not assertive. If it doesnt suit you to help someone out just say you can't. Don't justify or explain it just say no.

When you want help, say it straight out. Tell them I need this or I want that. They have no problem saying it to you.

Read a book on being assertive, there's loads out there.

the_syco

FanadMan wrote: »

I look after my elderly father. I babysit my friends pets. I help my friends whenever they ask. But as soon as I need a bit of help - am dropped on from a big height. And then the cycle starts all over again. I never complain but still nobody ever seems to want to help me.

Your father took care of you, and you now take care of him.

You take care of animals, but when you ask their owners for help, they ignore you? You should look for new friends.

Cupcake_Crisis

Stop helping people, bar your father.

When they ask why tell them you felt like they weren't there for you and you needed time to focus on your self.

long range shooter

Get a life

Killer Wench

FanadMan wrote: »

I look after my elderly father. I babysit my friends pets. I help my friends whenever they ask. But as soon as I need a bit of help - am dropped on from a big height. And then the cycle starts all over again. I never complain but still nobody ever seems to want to help me.

Should I go postal on their collective behinds or stick to character and bend over and just take it?

Come on AH - load both barrels and let rip........need some laughs to cheer me up

Time to find new friends.

Where To

I treat others like I expected to be treated myself. Quite often that means doing more for people than they would for me but i'm not bothered. If people think I'm a doormat so what? Fuvk them, do whatever you wanna do for people because you want to, what anyone else thinks is irrelevant.

FanadMan

Where To wrote: »

I treat others like I expected to be treated myself. Quite often that means doing more for people than they would for me but i'm not bothered. If people think I'm a doormat so what? Fuvk them, do whatever you wanna do for people because you want to, what anyone else thinks is irrelevant.

Bit of a pain when you are depending on them and they let you down at the last minute like happened me a few hours ago....which has probably ruined a rare weekend away for me.

Sad thing is that I alway treat others the way I would like to be treated - the only problem is those others treat me like the way they want to treat me...for whatever they can get and no worry about what I want.

Chuck Stone

Hey, I just met you
and this is crazy
give me your number
and mind my baby.

FanadMan

Chuck Stone wrote: »

Hey, I just met you
and this is crazy
give me your number
and mind my baby.

Ok, when would suit you?

Oh damn it......not again

B.A._Baracus

FanadMan wrote: »

I look after my elderly father. I babysit my friends pets. I help my friends whenever they ask. But as soon as I need a bit of help - am dropped on from a big height. And then the cycle starts all over again. I never complain but still nobody ever seems to want to help me.

Just as Jugger said: 'your father is is your father. Fuck the rest' - I agree so much.
Your father raised and provided for you. You have to have loyalty to him. As for the rest? To quote Jugger again... fuck them

policarp

There was a chap called FanadMan
Who worked and toiled for every one,
But when it came to time for pay
Phuck off, the only words he heard them say.
Next time they seek some help from you
Tell them go paddle their own canoe. . .

Ghandee

I'm black, flexible, and travel a lot.


I'm a mudflap.

Mr. CooL ICE

Step 1) Make stew/casserole out of your friends' pets
Step 2) Eat it together with your father
Step 3) Profit!

OP, because of your troubles, all I can offer is the elusive step 2. Remember to slow cook the meat

mconigol

Just learn to say no to your friends occasionally, they'll appreciate you more. You don't have to go from being a doormat to being a complete arse.

Look after your dad though.

tritium

Look after your father as others have said

As for the rest, sometimes rejection I good for the soul (in other words, tell them to politely fcuk off every now and again)

Next time the friend who just let you down comes looking for something, just tell them you haven't had any 'you time' in a while and you're too busy having some peace and quiet to help

coolhull

policarp wrote: »

There was a chap called FanadMan
Who worked and toiled for every one,
But when it came to time for pay
Phuck off, the only words he heard them say.
Next time they seek some help from you
Tell them go paddle their own canoe. . .

Good effort, but I reckon Seamus Heaney can sleep easy.

--Kaiser--

You sound like a nice guy with **** friends TBH

Apolloyon

The problem is that when we're children we're told it's rude to say No. When we're teenagers we're told that it's anti-social and immature to say No. And these thoughts stick with us for many years when we're adults. The reality is, that it is perfectly fine to say No. You can turn things down or refuse to do things without being rude, anti-social and immature. And people will actually respect you more in the long run.

miamee

As others have said, say no once in a while. When you do lots of things for people with no problem and no complaint, they begin to take you for granted.

Annasopra

FanadMan wrote: »

I look after my elderly father. I babysit my friends pets. I help my friends whenever they ask. But as soon as I need a bit of help - am dropped on from a big height. And then the cycle starts all over again. I never complain but still nobody ever seems to want to help me.

Should I go postal on their collective behinds or stick to character and bend over and just take it?

Come on AH - load both barrels and let rip........need some laughs to cheer me up

Tell your friends that it's not possible to look after your father and their pets and the other needs they have.

Therefore you can't look after their pets or other needs.

FueledbyCoffee

I have the same problem - I find it hard to say No, feel like I'm letting people down. Am working on it though as I have been let down badly and also taken for granted many times in the past with me fuming but other people not even realising the way they are acting is out of order. I would stretch myself and go out of my way to accommodate them just to please.

Some people just take, take, take and sometimes you have to look out for yourself the same way as they do. Help by all means if it suits you but if it doesn't don't be afraid to say No.

laugh

jugger wrote: »

your father is your father
f*ck the rest

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

Stop helping people, bar your father.

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Just as Jugger said: 'your father is is your father. Fuck the rest' - I agree so much.
Your father raised and provided for you. You have to have loyalty to him.

tritium wrote: »

Look after your father as others have said

Unless your father is a cunt in which case fuck him too!

Son Of A Vidic

FanadMan wrote: »

Am I a doormat?

No.

A sheep?...Yes.

Dravokivich

A lot of people here are advising you to throw in the occasional "No." Wouldn't be too in a rush to do so myself.

All you've mentioned is that at times you feel they don't share any of the support with you, that you've helped provide them.

Nothing in the OP mentioned you were overwhelmed by the the help you have done for your friends. You just need to discuss with them how you feel on it at times when you need their help. If you can't feel you are able discuss this with them, you should be thinking more of what the relationship is about to you with these people without consideration of the favours you've done for them. Going from someone who is supportful, helpful and approachable, to someone who is an occasional shut out, is not the way to go about doing it. You will not address the issue with your friends by doing that, but merely ignore it.

Cupcake_Crisis

Dravokivich wrote: »

A lot of people here are advising you to throw in the occasional "No." Wouldn't be too in a rush to do so myself.

All you've mentioned is that at times you feel they don't share any of the support with you, that you've helped provide them.

Nothing in the OP mentioned you were overwhelmed by the the help you have done for your friends. You just need to discuss with them how you feel on it at times when you need their help. If you can't feel you are able discuss this with them, you should be thinking more of what the relationship is about to you with these people without consideration of the favours you've done for them. Going from someone who is supportful, helpful and approachable, to someone who is an occasional shut out, is not the way to go about doing it. You will not address the issue with your friends by doing that, but merely ignore it.

But surely if his friends notice a change in his behavior it could open up a dialogue, then the op could explain that he feels he's not getting the support he should be? I know personally i'd feel like a knob for just bringing the subject up seemingly unprovoked.

Dravokivich

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

But surely if his friends notice a change in his behavior it could open up a dialogue, then the op could explain that he feels he's not getting the support he should be? I know personally i'd feel like a knob for just bringing the subject up seemingly unprovoked.

Going for extremes such as saying no and shutting out on them sporadically isn't needed. It's an over dramatic and childish action to take.

Cupcake_Crisis

Dravokivich wrote: »

Going for extremes such as saying no and shutting out on them sporadically isn't needed. It's an over dramatic and childish action to take.

He doesn't have to shut them out, he just has to say 'im sorry, but i can't help you right now', i wouldn't see that as childish.

aujopimur

Stick the oul lad in a home, and start hanging around unwashed in your friend houses, cadjing food, drink and a place to sleep.

Teyla Emmagan

Give us more examples of how your friends have let you down OP, so that we may judge them even more harshly.

We need details here.

Dravokivich

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

He doesn't have to shut them out, he just has to say 'im sorry, but i can't help you right now', i wouldn't see that as childish.

It does nothing other than to ignore the problem. Which is nothing but childish.

Cupcake_Crisis

Dravokivich wrote: »

It does nothing other than to ignore the problem. Which is nothing but childish.

You ignored my second post, it could lead to a conversation as to why he's he's stopped being there for everyone all the time.

Also, how is it childish to just say no every now and then?

Dravokivich

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

You ignored my second post, it could lead to a conversation as to why he's he's stopped being there for everyone all the time.

Also, how is it childish to just say no every now and then?

I didn't. This is something bothering him, not his friends.

In my initial response I mentioned:

"If you can't feel you are able discuss this with them, you should be thinking more of what the relationship is about to you with these people without consideration of the favours you've done for them."

If there is value held by the OP for these relationships, He should speak out to his friends about it and anything that bothers him within them. Trying to play subtly is a foolish move because a point to be made by doing so, is easily missed and lessens the value to a relationship.

Saying no for the sake of it as opposed to being unable to help out doesn't address the issue. As I've mentioned previously, it just ignores it.

Hippies!

FanadMan wrote: »

I need a bit of help...nobody ever seems to want to help me.

You seem a bit needy tbh.

Pottler

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

Stop helping people, bar your father.

When they ask why tell them you felt like they weren't there for you and you needed time to focus on your self.

"Da, you're barred. Everyone else, fcuk off. I'm having some me time. It may involve coke and hookers, don't come knocking".

Cee-Jay-Cee

Refuse any more requests for help from your so called friends. To be honest they don't sound much like friends and take you for granted. Your dad is different and if he needs looking after then that's what you have to do.

Stephen P

I feel like I'm used a lot of the time. Sister-in-law is forever asking for help with her iPhone, I feel like saying if you don't know how to use it why the fu<k did you buy it? These days I try to be as sort as possible with the answer, she rarely asks me now. The next time she upgrades her phone I'll be telling her to try and do it herself.
The OH's family ask a lot of me too and they pay me with dinners.
My New Years resolution is to try get people help themselves, maybe you should try that OP? Point them in the right direction and leave it at that.

WoollyRedHat

Vocalise that it's a two way street, but there's a one way traffic flow, and you ain't happy with that.

holystungun9

I'm not the best for advice but in this case, if you are well endowed in the chest hair department, then shave Welcome into it.

boomtown123

OP - i think you maybe the male version of me.

FanadMan

laugh wrote: »

Unless your father is a cunt in which case fuck him too!

He can be from time to time lol

Alice1

That is so disappointing FanadMan. I imagine you don't get away very often.
I'm sort of with Drakovich on this. Saying "no" is an option, however, I don't really think it would be in your nature.
Having said that, caring for an aged parent is very demanding, will probably become more so with the passage of time and you need to have a break every now and again.
Can you discuss with your friends why they let you down when you need help? It wouldn't be specially easy but it might wake them up a wee bit - cos it sounds like they take you for granted.

Cathyht

This happens fairly easily, you get on with the jobs no-one else wants. Everyone knows you're 'reliable', but they are so busy in their wonderful lives, and used to using that 'busy' excuse, they are like Teflon Men and Women when it comes to doing chores. Believe it or not they tell themselves things like: Oh well OP is there minding the Da all the time anyway, he may as well do this too, and Oh, he's good at that sort of (mundane, boring, being at home thing). Yet they don't really think of you as quickly for the parties, presents, holidays. I had children fairly young, so my siblings who were childfree, with glittering careers sort of had me in the 'capable, sensible dependable for ****ty jobs' person box, while they were off having wonderful free lives.

What really works is this: When they ask you to do Boring Thankless Task, you may or may not reply yes, but whether you do it or not, you ALWAYS say this: I am glad you called/rang because I was just going to call you to do----Place Your Sh!tty Job Here. (Make sure to have a few up your sleeve for surprise callers too) It could be anything, from (for those ringing with small inconveniences) something like sourcing good price furniture, or asking them to pick up something on their way to you. For those with Bigger Offloading you ask things like painting your bathroom, organising and cooking at a BBQ or a party for you or Da, to minding your father overnight, bringing him for appointments - whatever. It is the nicest possible way to even things out, balance the relationship. And they really, really think twice before unloading unpleasant jobs on you. Stand firm, if you do the smallest thing for them, make sure they do something for you.

StinkyMunkey

People will use you as a doormat only if you let them. Sit down and think about why is it you always say yes, then try get your head around saying no.

Some people are selfish and way to self absorbed, even if you turn around and tell them how you feel - they just wont care.

I know people like that which you have described, they are not being selfish to you out of spite or because they dislike you, its simply because your an easy target. They would probably disown you for refusing them, and find anyother easy target. That said fuk em, the world is full off people looking for kind hearted easy going people like yourself as friends.

Looking out for your own interests once in a while is not selfish or childish. Everyone deserves a break from the day to day life taht can become tedious.

Like people have said - your dad is your dad after all, you only have one , look after him, but at the same time sit down and explain that you also have a life to lead.

Kylo Ren

Yes you bloody are. And you better stay like that too!