Mother being really mean about my pregnancy

shinny

OP, first off congratulations on your great news. Please try to enjoy that.

Second, is your mother generally domineering with you or do you have a good relationship, aside from this?

Because, that will be important in how you handle this going forward. If she's used to getting her own way with you, telling you (her children) what to do, etc, then she feels she has the "right" to do this.

I think you need to "woman up" (hate this term, but it's applies well here!) and speak your mind; Firmly, but honestly. You are going to be a parent yourself, so you need to be strong now. I wouldn't tell her that she's jeopardising her future with you, baby and partner, but she needs to know she's hurt you with these antiquated views.

If you generally have a good relationship then I'm willing to bet she'll listen. If it's always been a tense one then you might just have to accept that you cannot change her mind and move on from that. It won't be good for you, or the baby, to be around that thinking.

Nervous Nigel

It's worth noting that her mother's views aren't quite as rare as some people may think.

I know a number of seemingly reasonable and "modern" people who hold strong views about children being "born out of wedlock".

Perhaps the OP should also be prepared for disappointing reactions from others?

Neyite

OP, my partners mother shed a little tear when we announced our pregnancy - and not out of joy.:p We felt about 16, not late thirties! But by the following morning she was grand again and soon after was very excited. Now she absolutely dotes on the baby, and is hinting for another

I dont think it was a particularly religious reason for her initial reaction, but she was expecting us to announce an engagement when we said we had news and just that it was probably drummed into her for the vast majority of her life that the "right" thing to do is get married first, and its hard to change those views. Certainly as little as 15 years ago in some rural areas an out of wedlock child was delicious gossip fodder. Parts of the country it probably still is!

We are getting the wedding hints from all sides too, but we will do it when it absolutely suits us. When the baby comes it will be a different story but right now if she is concerned about what the neighbours think usually, her mind is probably in overdrive at thinking about what they are going to gossip about her. Maybe she has looked down on unwed mothers locally and now thinks that the neighbours will be delighted to see her get her comeuppance?

But, you need to get tough with her. I would suggest that every time she makes a comment, you should address it. You are an adult and her job rearing you is done. I would actively avoid her company and be candid about why, letting her know that her attitude is damaging your relationship with her.

eviltwin

I had a similar experience with my own family, mind you I was only a teenager at the time and had been with my other half 3 months :P It got so bad I had to leave home, it was very sad and difficult but once my daughter was born everyone fell in love with her and all was forgiven.

I think a lot of it was driven by the whole unmarried mother bit, my mother is very religious and while she was always very kind to other people in the area who had babies outside marriage it was only when it happened to me that she went postal. I didn't realise until then she had very high standards for her own kids.

My relationship with my mother has never been the same since though, as much as I can understand her worries I never really came to terms with her nasty comments to me and my husbands family. She is really good with my daughter now and they get on well but I wish I had addressed it early on and been a bit more forceful and maybe things would have been different.

babymomma13

She is generally quite controlling... manipulative, really. She is the all-time greatest expert in the use of the guilt-trip. The problem is that my siblings generally give in to her, but she and I have always managed to butt heads on things. A couple of years ago, I had to (politely) ask her to stop opening my post that was still arriving at her house, but it all ended in a big row before she would listen. She regularly asks me what my salary is, or how much I have in my bank account, as though I am not to be trusted, but, honestly, I am genuinely a responsible person.
She is nasty about my friends, who are all lovely people, I think mostly because she knows that I have talked to them about her over the years, and she hates that - she told me that they were not invited back for food after my dad's funeral, while my siblings all had their friends there. I'm sure my friends thought that I was bonkers for not inviting them, some of whom had travelled long distances to be there, but I couldn't bring myself to tell them why.

She has done so many horrible things to me over the years, and every time, if I tried to stand my ground, she would just sulk until my dad couldn't take it any more, and he would ask me to talk to her, and then I would, and she would act the martyr and cry until I'd apologise for upsetting her. And so on and so on.

Diziet wrote: »

How are people to know their behavour is not on unless we tell them? If nothing is said then they assume, quite rightly, that we are in agreement.

I couldn't agree more. But now that she is mourning the loss of my dad, I really have to tread carefully. My siblings would go mental at me if I said anything to upset her... although she is allowed to say what she wants to upset me. It's hard to know if I would get anywhere even if I did say anything, so I am tempted to just keep my distance from her. On the other hand, I feel like I need to stand up for myself, and my partner, and my child, but I think the repercussions could be huge. At the same time, I do not want my child anywhere near any of that. EVER.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Thank you so much for your advice and support - I know none of us know each other, but it really means a lot.

babymomma13

Neyite wrote: »

OP, my partners mother shed a little tear when we announced our pregnancy - and not out of joy.:p We felt about 16, not late thirties!

That's exactly how I felt!

Neyite wrote: »

her mind is probably in overdrive at thinking about what they are going to gossip about her. Maybe she has looked down on unwed mothers locally and now thinks that the neighbours will be delighted to see her get her comeuppance?

I definitely think that she is worried about what people will say, but more because she's heard other people say things in the past, not so much that she would have said it. For all her faults, I have to say she's not a gossip.

Neyite wrote: »

But, you need to get tough with her. I would suggest that every time she makes a comment, you should address it. You are an adult and her job rearing you is done.

I think you are right, I just have to stay calm when doing it..!

Neyite

babymomma13 wrote: »

But now that she is mourning the loss of my dad, I really have to tread carefully. My siblings would go mental at me if I said anything to upset her... although she is allowed to say what she wants to upset me. It's hard to know if I would get anywhere even if I did say anything, so I am tempted to just keep my distance from her. On the other hand, I feel like I need to stand up for myself, and my partner, and my child, but I think the repercussions could be huge. At the same time, I do not want my child anywhere near any of that. EVER.

You dont need to have a big showdown though, or instigate a big "discussion" with her, just keep your distance (pregnancy requires lots of rest ) and if you are with her and she says something mean, just reply "well, your grandchild is very much wanted by John* and I" or "you've already made your feelings very clear, Mam, and we are not interested in hearing any more about it" or "Yes, Dad may have been disappointed, but he would have respected the fact I'm an adult living my own life and making my own decisions" just reply in an even tone of voice, or even pointedly not respond at all, just pause after a remark is made and pointedly change the subject.

babymomma13

eviltwin wrote: »

my mother is very religious and while she was always very kind to other people in the area who had babies outside marriage it was only when it happened to me that she went postal.

I think my mother is exactly the same. She wouldn't criticise other people, but she wants something different for her own kids. She would have mentioned her preferences over the years, but I really thought that the unmarried mother bit was more out of concern that one of us would have to drop out of school or college because of a pregnancy and then our "life would be ruined". But I'm 36, and settled, and have a job, and a pension, and a ticking clock...

babymomma13

Neyite wrote: »

You dont need to have a big showdown though, or instigate a big "discussion" with her, just keep your distance (pregnancy requires lots of rest ) and if you are with her and she says something mean, just reply "well, your grandchild is very much wanted by John* and I" or "you've already made your feelings very clear, Mam, and we are not interested in hearing any more about it" or "Yes, Dad may have been disappointed, but he would have respected the fact I'm an adult living my own life and making my own decisions" just reply in an even tone of voice, or even pointedly not respond at all, just pause after a remark is made and pointedly change the subject.

That's great advice, thank you

eviltwin

babymomma13 wrote: »

I think my mother is exactly the same. She wouldn't criticise other people, but she wants something different for her own kids. She would have mentioned her preferences over the years, but I really thought that the unmarried mother bit was more out of concern that one of us would have to drop out of school or college because of a pregnancy and then our "life would be ruined". But I'm 36, and settled, and have a job, and a pension, and a ticking clock...

Has she ever given you a reason why she is not happy? My sister had her first baby at 30, in a good job, good relationship but again not married, my mother was very upset again. I know from talking to my sister that my mother was concerned that being unmarried made the relationship less secure and that we were more likely to end up as single mums as a result.

I think that fear we would end up raising the kids on our own was another factor for her.

I ended up marrying the father of my daughter, we had a second baby a year after our wedding. I was secretly looking forward to being back in the good books being "respectable" and all but she was still unhappy. Turns out she was really annoyed we had gone for a civil wedding rather than a church one, she doesn't really think its a real marriage. Seems with some parents you can't win. Try not to let it spoil your pregnancy though x

WaltKowalski

I know a lot of grandparents whose immediate reaction to news like yours was similar to your mothers, but once babies arrived, the grandparents all quickly reverted to their doting role.
A baby is a blessing, and i bet your mother will turn once she see's introduced to her grandchild.
Best wishes.

babymomma13

eviltwin wrote: »

I ended up marrying the father of my daughter, we had a second baby a year after our wedding. I was secretly looking forward to being back in the good books being "respectable" and all but she was still unhappy. Turns out she was really annoyed we had gone for a civil wedding rather than a church one, she doesn't really think its a real marriage. Seems with some parents you can't win.

Yeah, I fear it would be the same with us. My partner was not raised catholic (actually, he's now an atheist), and I am very much lapsed, so our wedding definitely wouldn't be in a church.

....man, just wait until we get on to the subject of a christening... :eek:

Thanks for the good wishes

Hannibal Smith

people have an awful habit of making a pregnancy about them. you're pregnant...its great happy news....relish in the joy of it all and to hell with all the begrudgers ...whether they be your mother or not. this time is about you....your first pregnancy really is special and your mother was there herself so should know that.

I honestly wouldn't entertain any negativity and would be quite firm with her about it. are your siblings married with children?

tinkerbell

babymomma13 wrote: »

Vaguely worried that I have given the impression that I'm an idiot...
We have already put an insurance policy in place, and have written wills (including provisions for future children). We jointly own our house, so no issue with inheritance tax, and have named each other as next of kin on bank accounts and pensions. As this is our first child, and I had not come across it before, I had no idea that naming the father on the birth certificate did not affect his legal standing in relation to that child, but the information on the Guardianship Act and the solicitor has been very helpful, thank you.

OP, I may be wrong here but being joint owners of the house still means inheritance tax if something happens to one of you because you are not married.

Back to your mother, you need to just tell her that her behaviour is ridiculous and insulting. And you should get married on your own terms, you are in your mid 30s and allow your mother to dictate the type of wedding you'll have? You're well able to make your own decisions at this stage of your life.

johnayo

OP, I think you have this situation under control. Seems like you are well able to stand up for yourself, and you have it well Sussed. These situations usually takes cool heads to resolve the issue.
Best of luck with your pregnancy. This is a very special time in your own and your partners lives and don't let anyone interfere with this.

Hannibal Smith

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, I may be wrong here but being joint owners of the house still means inheritance tax if something happens to one of you because you are not married.

Back to your mother, you need to just tell her that her behaviour is ridiculous and insulting. And you should get married on your own terms, you are in your mid 30s and allow your mother to dictate the type of wedding you'll have? You're well able to make your own decisions at this stage of your life.

it would depend if the house was owned as joint tenants or tenants in common...the former means no inheritance tax because she would acquire the property on survivorship as opposed to inheritance....if you own as the latter there wpyld be inheritance tax. your solicitor will be able to tell you how you are registered.

babymomma13

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

it would depend if the house was owned as joint tenants or tenants in common...the former means no inheritance tax because she would acquire the property on survivorship as opposed to inheritance....if you own as the latter there wpyld be inheritance tax. your solicitor will be able to tell you how you are registered.

It's definitely the first one, we discussed that with the Solicitor when we bought it.
Thanks for the info!

Lucy and Harry

I think if you live in a house 5 years they cant get you for tax when you inherit property.
I was left my Grans house and because I lived there I paid nothing.

There are ways around things and a solicitor will help you with these legal loop holes.

eviltimeban

Congrats on the baby! You've such an exciting, rewarding, and bloody tiring time ahead of you, that you should only be thinking of yourself, your partner, and your baby.

My mother was once like that, quite controlling and wanting to know everything. Not in a mean or manipulative way, but in a way that meant she "had" something on everyone. My brother would go along and tell her all his news, like EVERYTHING; and she would be more or less helping raise his children, much to the chagrin of his wife! She is/was very much a "what'll people think" kind of person.

I took a different approach and pretty much cut her out of any decisions, reasons for doing things, never asked for advice etc; because I knew if I did I would never hear the end of it and would be under control forever. There's plenty of resources for new mums out there - websites, books, friends etc. And it worked. We've an OK relationship now, when its in small doses - all it needs to be. She sees her grandkids, babysits for us etc, but that's it. I don't involve her in any big decisions.

Anyway the issue with the wedding - please please please get married the way YOU want to, not the way your mother wants you to! And if she doesn't like it, then she's the one with the problem, not you. I compromised in ways on my wedding day (for both sets of mothers in fairness) and I don't look back on the day with much fondness - I don't even have a copy of the video. I would've much preferred to do it a different way. But that's history.

If her attitude isn't softening or changing then you need to cut her out. Tough love and all that.

Your life is about to shift in a way you'd never imagine - when that little baby arrives you can either have your mother at your door every day with more "advice", or you can bask in the glory that will be your little family, doing things your way, learning the hard, yet ultimately more rewarding, way.

You could always elope to solve the legal issues regarding the baby - that doesn't mean going to Vegas, it just means getting married without anyone knowing. Get some of your closest friends to witness it and there, its done.

Lucy and Harry

I got married in Cyprus and it was great.You can even go to Rome and get married.Leave the relatives at home they will only moan and grown.