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Mother being really mean about my pregnancy
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27-12-2012 1:33pm#1
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Your mother is being rude, but I don't understand why you don't just get married if you want to be married either. 3 months is the notice you have to give, and it takes 150 euro. 1 months notice up north in newly and their registry office is the town hall, which is beautiful. It shouldn't take anyone long to save up 150 euro, unless you want some princess shindig.
Your mum is being very insensitive about it, but there are legal protections marriage offers a baby and both partners, which is probably what she is thinking about.
Your boyfriend won't automatically be the child's guardian. Your next of kin is your mum, not your boyfriend. If anything happens you during childbirth, the child's father has no legal relationship with the child whatsoever.
I don't know what the situation is with maintenance if your boyfriend decides he wants to leave you when the baby is 3 months old and not sleeping at night.
If he is killed suddenly, you will not inherit anything like death in service benefit, his parents will.
These are all the things running through her head. In reality, none of these are likely to happen at all, but she is your mum, so she thinks of all the million dangers and risks. It is part of being a parent, you will be having very similar over-protective thoughts shortly.
Maybe you could get engaged as you intend to marry anyway? That's what an engagement is... Intention to marry. That would probably settle her fears a good bit.0 -
Well, we both have large families, and a registry office just wouldn't cut it with anyone. Seriously, bad and all as my mother is about the pregnancy, she'd be ten times worse if we had a small wedding and didn't invite my second cousin's neighbour's dog. But we just cannot afford anything like that at the moment. I know what you are saying about the risks, but my partner's name will go on the birth certificate, we have an insurance policy in place if anything happens to either of us, and I am as sure as it is possible to be that he will not leave me or his baby, no matter how much crying there is.
Plus, like I said, it is not important to us, and at the end of the day it is our life. I don't want to "have" to have a wedding for anyone. I want to live my life my way... why is that so wrong?0 -
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I completely agree with you. Don't rush into anything to keep anybody else happy, even your mother. Do it when you are good and ready or not at all, if you don't want to.babymomma13 wrote: »Well, we both have large families, and a registry office just wouldn't cut it with anyone. Seriously, bad and all as my mother is about the pregnancy, she'd be ten times worse if we had a small wedding and didn't invite my second cousin's neighbour's dog. But we just cannot afford anything like that at the moment. I know what you are saying about the risks, but my partner's name will go on the birth certificate, we have an insurance policy in place if anything happens to either of us, and I am as sure as it is possible to be that he will not leave me or his baby, no matter how much crying there is.
Plus, like I said, it is not important to us, and at the end of the day it is our life. I don't want to "have" to have a wedding for anyone. I want to live my life my way... why is that so wrong?
I can see why you are sad, you just want your family to be as over the moon as you are. But just give her time. She will eventually come round,if not before the baby arrives, definitely when she meets her grandchild.
But yes, I do think you need to sit down with her and explain to her how down you are about this. You don't need this sort of stress or worry and you should be able to sit back and fully enjoy your pregnancy. I know it is hard, and easy for me to say, but do try and enjoy it. Its such a great, great time all the different movements and feelings you will begin to get as time goes on.
And finally, the very best of luck. I hope you and your mother can sort this out asap.0 -
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Vaguely worried you might need to know the legal functions of marriage.
Vaguely worried that I have given the impression that I'm an idiot...
We have already put an insurance policy in place, and have written wills (including provisions for future children). We jointly own our house, so no issue with inheritance tax, and have named each other as next of kin on bank accounts and pensions. As this is our first child, and I had not come across it before, I had no idea that naming the father on the birth certificate did not affect his legal standing in relation to that child, but the information on the Guardianship Act and the solicitor has been very helpful, thank you.0 -
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OP, my partners mother shed a little tear when we announced our pregnancy - and not out of joy.:p We felt about 16, not late thirties! But by the following morning she was grand again and soon after was very excited. Now she absolutely dotes on the baby, and is hinting for another
I dont think it was a particularly religious reason for her initial reaction, but she was expecting us to announce an engagement when we said we had news and just that it was probably drummed into her for the vast majority of her life that the "right" thing to do is get married first, and its hard to change those views. Certainly as little as 15 years ago in some rural areas an out of wedlock child was delicious gossip fodder. Parts of the country it probably still is!
We are getting the wedding hints from all sides too, but we will do it when it absolutely suits us. When the baby comes it will be a different story but right now if she is concerned about what the neighbours think usually, her mind is probably in overdrive at thinking about what they are going to gossip about her. Maybe she has looked down on unwed mothers locally and now thinks that the neighbours will be delighted to see her get her comeuppance?
But, you need to get tough with her. I would suggest that every time she makes a comment, you should address it. You are an adult and her job rearing you is done. I would actively avoid her company and be candid about why, letting her know that her attitude is damaging your relationship with her.0 -
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babymomma13 wrote: »But now that she is mourning the loss of my dad, I really have to tread carefully. My siblings would go mental at me if I said anything to upset her... although she is allowed to say what she wants to upset me. It's hard to know if I would get anywhere even if I did say anything, so I am tempted to just keep my distance from her. On the other hand, I feel like I need to stand up for myself, and my partner, and my child, but I think the repercussions could be huge. At the same time, I do not want my child anywhere near any of that. EVER.
You dont need to have a big showdown though, or instigate a big "discussion" with her, just keep your distance (pregnancy requires lots of rest) and if you are with her and she says something mean, just reply "well, your grandchild is very much wanted by John* and I" or "you've already made your feelings very clear, Mam, and we are not interested in hearing any more about it" or "Yes, Dad may have been disappointed, but he would have respected the fact I'm an adult living my own life and making my own decisions" just reply in an even tone of voice, or even pointedly not respond at all, just pause after a remark is made and pointedly change the subject. 0 -
my mother is very religious and while she was always very kind to other people in the area who had babies outside marriage it was only when it happened to me that she went postal.
I think my mother is exactly the same. She wouldn't criticise other people, but she wants something different for her own kids. She would have mentioned her preferences over the years, but I really thought that the unmarried mother bit was more out of concern that one of us would have to drop out of school or college because of a pregnancy and then our "life would be ruined". But I'm 36, and settled, and have a job, and a pension, and a ticking clock... 0 -
You dont need to have a big showdown though, or instigate a big "discussion" with her, just keep your distance (pregnancy requires lots of rest) and if you are with her and she says something mean, just reply "well, your grandchild is very much wanted by John* and I" or "you've already made your feelings very clear, Mam, and we are not interested in hearing any more about it" or "Yes, Dad may have been disappointed, but he would have respected the fact I'm an adult living my own life and making my own decisions" just reply in an even tone of voice, or even pointedly not respond at all, just pause after a remark is made and pointedly change the subject.
That's great advice, thank you 0 -
babymomma13 wrote: »I think my mother is exactly the same. She wouldn't criticise other people, but she wants something different for her own kids. She would have mentioned her preferences over the years, but I really thought that the unmarried mother bit was more out of concern that one of us would have to drop out of school or college because of a pregnancy and then our "life would be ruined". But I'm 36, and settled, and have a job, and a pension, and a ticking clock...
Has she ever given you a reason why she is not happy? My sister had her first baby at 30, in a good job, good relationship but again not married, my mother was very upset again. I know from talking to my sister that my mother was concerned that being unmarried made the relationship less secure and that we were more likely to end up as single mums as a result.
I think that fear we would end up raising the kids on our own was another factor for her.
I ended up marrying the father of my daughter, we had a second baby a year after our wedding. I was secretly looking forward to being back in the good books being "respectable" and all but she was still unhappy. Turns out she was really annoyed we had gone for a civil wedding rather than a church one, she doesn't really think its a real marriage. Seems with some parents you can't win. Try not to let it spoil your pregnancy though x 0 -
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I ended up marrying the father of my daughter, we had a second baby a year after our wedding. I was secretly looking forward to being back in the good books being "respectable" and all but she was still unhappy. Turns out she was really annoyed we had gone for a civil wedding rather than a church one, she doesn't really think its a real marriage. Seems with some parents you can't win.
Yeah, I fear it would be the same with us. My partner was not raised catholic (actually, he's now an atheist), and I am very much lapsed, so our wedding definitely wouldn't be in a church.
....man, just wait until we get on to the subject of a christening... :eek:
Thanks for the good wishes 0 -
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babymomma13 wrote: »Vaguely worried that I have given the impression that I'm an idiot...
We have already put an insurance policy in place, and have written wills (including provisions for future children). We jointly own our house, so no issue with inheritance tax, and have named each other as next of kin on bank accounts and pensions. As this is our first child, and I had not come across it before, I had no idea that naming the father on the birth certificate did not affect his legal standing in relation to that child, but the information on the Guardianship Act and the solicitor has been very helpful, thank you.
OP, I may be wrong here but being joint owners of the house still means inheritance tax if something happens to one of you because you are not married.
Back to your mother, you need to just tell her that her behaviour is ridiculous and insulting. And you should get married on your own terms, you are in your mid 30s and allow your mother to dictate the type of wedding you'll have? You're well able to make your own decisions at this stage of your life.0 -
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Hannibal Smith wrote: »
it would depend if the house was owned as joint tenants or tenants in common...the former means no inheritance tax because she would acquire the property on survivorship as opposed to inheritance....if you own as the latter there wpyld be inheritance tax. your solicitor will be able to tell you how you are registered.
It's definitely the first one, we discussed that with the Solicitor when we bought it.
Thanks for the info! 0 -
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