Mother being really mean about my pregnancy

babymomma13

Over Christmas, I told my family that my boyfriend (of four years) and I are having a baby. We are not married yet, but we do intend to get married one day; I am 36, so we decided to start a family before getting married, just because we were worried about fertility, birth defects, etc., and as far as we are concerned, it just isn't important to be married before we have children.
I thought that it would be exciting news to share at Christmas, but my mother was really horrible about it. She never even congratulated us. Instead, she said that my (deceased) father would have been disgusted with me, something which really, really hurt.
She said that my partner and I should be married, and, later, when the rest of my relatives seemed excited about the news, she very firmly said that they were just saying nice things, but that she knows them much better than I do, and, in reality, nobody is impressed, and that I wasn't to delude myself.
I was in a ten-year relationship that broke down in my thirties, and I really thought that I would never meet anyone, never mind have children, but I was so lucky to meet a really amazing guy, fall in love, and I genuinely feel so blessed that we are having this baby, but my own mother - someone who should support me - has just stomped all over my joy. My siblings, who initially were excited for us, seem to be backing away from us now, and are avoiding all discussions about it. Any time I was discussing it with my relatives over Christmas, my siblings would just walk away (normally not something they would do - we're usually all in each other's faces). My mother keeps trying to tell my partner and I how and where to get engaged, and even had my siblings suggesting things and seperately pushing both me and my partner to get a ring.
I feel so hurt about this. This is my first child. It should be a happy, exciting (although nerve-wracking) time. I knew it might take my mother a little while to get used to the idea, but I really thought that she would see that my partner and I are committed to each other, and that we just don't want to give up on having children purely because we have to save up for and plan a wedding, which would take time we don't have. Instead of calming down, she seems to be getting worse, and now she's influencing other people.
Most of all, I feel so bad for my child, and how this might affect him/her later on. Has anyone else gone through this? Any advice, please? I am so hurt and angry, but I don't know how to handle it.

Jogathon

I think you need to sit down with her and tell her how upset you are. Explain how happy you are to be pregnant, especially after having a hard breakup in your 30's and not knowing if you would ever have a child. Also, explain how your boyfriend and yourself are forever, and marriage will come, just at your pace, not hers.

And end it by stating that this baby is coming, and that you need her for advice and positive friendship.

And then you need to call to your sisters and brothers and do the exact same thing.

Diziet

Your mother may be disappointed but she is being rude and hurtful. You could make it clear to her that her behaviour is jeopardising her relationship with you, your boyfriend and her future grandchild, then stop reacting to it. Tell her that you will get married in your own good time, that her obvious disapproval is making you very unhappy, but that you are not prepared to change your plans. Or just ignore her altogether and concentrate on your relationship and future child, but that is not giving her a chance to make things better.

There is little we can do to influence other people's behaviour, all we can do is affect out own behaviour and set boundaries. I wish you all the best.

babymomma13

Thanks for your comments, I'll try to talk to her, but I don't think she'll listen. She says that she's just looking out for me and that I don't understand the way things are. I just feel so sad about it all.

pwurple

Your mother is being rude, but I don't understand why you don't just get married if you want to be married either. 3 months is the notice you have to give, and it takes 150 euro. 1 months notice up north in newly and their registry office is the town hall, which is beautiful. It shouldn't take anyone long to save up 150 euro, unless you want some princess shindig.

Your mum is being very insensitive about it, but there are legal protections marriage offers a baby and both partners, which is probably what she is thinking about.

Your boyfriend won't automatically be the child's guardian. Your next of kin is your mum, not your boyfriend. If anything happens you during childbirth, the child's father has no legal relationship with the child whatsoever.

I don't know what the situation is with maintenance if your boyfriend decides he wants to leave you when the baby is 3 months old and not sleeping at night.

If he is killed suddenly, you will not inherit anything like death in service benefit, his parents will.

These are all the things running through her head. In reality, none of these are likely to happen at all, but she is your mum, so she thinks of all the million dangers and risks. It is part of being a parent, you will be having very similar over-protective thoughts shortly.

Maybe you could get engaged as you intend to marry anyway? That's what an engagement is... Intention to marry. That would probably settle her fears a good bit.

babymomma13

Well, we both have large families, and a registry office just wouldn't cut it with anyone. Seriously, bad and all as my mother is about the pregnancy, she'd be ten times worse if we had a small wedding and didn't invite my second cousin's neighbour's dog. But we just cannot afford anything like that at the moment. I know what you are saying about the risks, but my partner's name will go on the birth certificate, we have an insurance policy in place if anything happens to either of us, and I am as sure as it is possible to be that he will not leave me or his baby, no matter how much crying there is.
Plus, like I said, it is not important to us, and at the end of the day it is our life. I don't want to "have" to have a wedding for anyone. I want to live my life my way... why is that so wrong?

Gee_G

babymomma13 wrote: »

Well, we both have large families, and a registry office just wouldn't cut it with anyone. Seriously, bad and all as my mother is about the pregnancy, she'd be ten times worse if we had a small wedding and didn't invite my second cousin's neighbour's dog. But we just cannot afford anything like that at the moment. I know what you are saying about the risks, but my partner's name will go on the birth certificate, we have an insurance policy in place if anything happens to either of us, and I am as sure as it is possible to be that he will not leave me or his baby, no matter how much crying there is.
Plus, like I said, it is not important to us, and at the end of the day it is our life. I don't want to "have" to have a wedding for anyone. I want to live my life my way... why is that so wrong?

I completely agree with you. Don't rush into anything to keep anybody else happy, even your mother. Do it when you are good and ready or not at all, if you don't want to.
I can see why you are sad, you just want your family to be as over the moon as you are. But just give her time. She will eventually come round,if not before the baby arrives, definitely when she meets her grandchild.
But yes, I do think you need to sit down with her and explain to her how down you are about this. You don't need this sort of stress or worry and you should be able to sit back and fully enjoy your pregnancy. I know it is hard, and easy for me to say, but do try and enjoy it. Its such a great, great time all the different movements and feelings you will begin to get as time goes on.

And finally, the very best of luck. I hope you and your mother can sort this out asap.

pwurple

babymomma13 wrote: »

Plus, like I said, it is not important to us, and at the end of the day it is our life. I don't want to "have" to have a wedding for anyone. I want to live my life my way... why is that so wrong?

Nothing wrong whatsoever. When you said in your original post that

we do intend to get married

I didn't think declaring that intention would be much of a leap, but it does put you on a bit of a wedding treadmill alright, and you do have some other stuff to think about now.

Time heals a lot, she will get over it when the baby arrives. Maybe a chat with her will sort it out.

She is probably right about the extended family... I have seen that myself. Two-faced yokes will be all nice to your face, and be insulting you behind your back. It is the way some people are. They see single mothers as being a scourge on society, the cause of all lifes ills, instead of realising that things are not that black and white. She will just have to suck it up, you can't change those people.

ElleEm

OP, your mother is out of order and it's terrible, cos you obviously want her to be involved, but her negativity will suck the excitement out of it for you.
If she starts on again, remind her politely that if she hasn't anything nice to say, not to say anything at all. If I was you, I just wouldn't discuss the pregnancy with her til she is ready to be nice about it. She is probably just shocked, and will hopefully come 'round.

On a side note, putting your partner's name on the baby's birth cert still doesn't give him any rights to the child. In Ireland's archeic legal system, a man only has automatic rights over a child if he is married to the mother at the time of the birth. Regardless of your intention to stay with your boyfriend forever, in the eyes of the law, he will have as much rights over the child as your nextdoor neighbour! Get the forms organised to fill out the second your baby is born. Your relationship with your guy is a completely separate to the legal relationship he has with his kid. Sorry for going off topic, I just feel really strongly that unmarried men are respected as parents in the eyes of the law, (and for the protection of your little baby should anything happen to you).

babymomma13

ElleEm wrote: »

On a side note, putting your partner's name on the baby's birth cert still doesn't give him any rights to the child. In Ireland's archeic legal system, a man only has automatic rights over a child if he is married to the mother at the time of the birth.

Oh my god, I'd no idea, are you serious?! I would definitely want him to have the same rights as me, sure that's ridiculous! Thanks for letting me know, I'll look into it straight away.

ElleEm

babymomma13 wrote: »

Oh my god, I'd no idea, are you serious?! I would definitely want him to have the same rights as me, sure that's ridiculous! Thanks for letting me know, I'll look into it straight away.

I know! Google it. It's in the Gaurdianship of Infants Act.

babymomma13

ElleEm wrote: »

I know! Google it. It's in the Gaurdianship of Infants Act (1969).

Brilliant, thanks. That's the most bonkers thing I've ever heard...!

foodaholic

Your partner can sign a guardianship form in front of a solicitor http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/cohabiting_couples/legal_guardianship_and_unmarried_couples.html

Lucy and Harry

At 36 you can make your own choices and I would have done the same.Just enjoy yourself and the experience of having a baby with the man you love.Your mammy may be old fashioned or just worrying your boyfriend will leave you.Having a baby is a great thing and do not let her spoil
things.Be happy and save your money and do not waste it on a wedding and party for your family.Keep it for the baby and buy nice things.All the best and enjoy it.

As for the guardianship my grandparents brought me up and were my legal grandparents so I think it is easy to get done.If my Grandparents could do it the father of your baby should get it easy.

the_syco

babymomma13 wrote: »

my mother was really horrible about it. She never even congratulated us. Instead, she said that my (deceased) father would have been disgusted with me

Christ, what a b|tch!

babymomma13 wrote: »

She says that she's just looking out for me and that I don't understand the way things are.

The way things are? More like the way things were!

Inform her that it's no longer the 1950's where women got kicked out of a job when they married, shunned by the neighbours for having a child outside wedlock, etc, etc.

Is your mum one of those "mass every day, what will the neighbours think" type of people?

BostonB

Babies, weddings, are highly emotive with people, and families. Its not always smooth sailing. I don't really understand people not being happy for you though. They can be happy but give you the practicalities as people have done above.

I don't see a rush to be married, certainly do it on your own terms. No need to have a big wedding, or spend a fortune either. At the same not sure why you'd wait either, if its something you want to do.

stock>

You have one life live it as you feel is right for you...............

If your domineering mother still feels she controls you at this stage of your life nothing will ever please her and of course she would want you to stay married for the child's sake should anything go wrong after the vows...............

You could call her bluff and agree to get married in the North in a registry office......but not in a church or other religious building.......

micky mouse

Dont be worrying about any of that old stuff.Know a couple just like you,not married and pregnant.Her mother going on and on and on:o:oAnd as soon as the baby was born took to it like a duck to water.The dotting granny now no mention of any wedding now;)Good luck in your pregancy

jill_valentine

I can't believe anybody would be so awful as to rob you of your excitement at such a happy time. Get married, or not, at your own pace. That's your own decision, and you don't have to answer to anybody about it. How awful, I'm really sorry.

She'll get over it, but jaysus if she wasn't your mam...

ulyssescohen

I appreciate the mother's perspective - although not behavior.

However, Diziet, this is bad advice, and will only make matters much worse. This would make he situation worse, not better

Diziet wrote: »

Your mother may be disappointed but she is being rude and hurtful. You could make it clear to her that her behaviour is jeopardising her relationship with you, your boyfriend and her future grandchild, then stop reacting to it. Tell her that you will get married in your own good time, that her obvious disapproval is making you very unhappy, but that you are not prepared to change your plans. Or just ignore her altogether and concentrate on your relationship and future child, but that is not giving her a chance to make things better.

There is little we can do to influence other people's behaviour, all we can do is affect out own behaviour and set boundaries. I wish you all the best.

username123

You are old enough to make your own decisions without needing mammys approval for it.

I understand that you would like her to be happy for you but you cannot control other people and if she wants to behave in such a mean spirited manner, then leave her at it. Id just get on with things myself if I were you and surround myself with people who were happy for me and not behaving in such a judgemental way.

Who cares what your relations or anyone else thinks? Its only what you and your partner think that matters.

Your mother does not sound like a nice person and clearly she still has some measure of control over you and your life if her opinion on this is causing you such upset, and on the subject of a wedding too. You need to cut the apron strings tbh, and get on with your own life, you dont need to live in the shadow of a negative judgemental mammy.

Nervous Nigel

How come you're surprised at your mother's reaction? Presumably you were well aware of her views on such things before you decided to have a baby?

babymomma13

Nervous Nigel wrote: »

How come you're surprised at your mother's reaction? Presumably you were well aware of her views on such things before you decided to have a baby?

I knew she'd prefer it if we were married, but I'd no idea she would be this awful, especially since she knows & likes my partner so well, and knows that we are committed to each other. In particular, what she said about my dad really felt like a kick in the stomach.

Nervous Nigel

babymomma13 wrote: »

I knew she'd prefer it if we were married, but I'd no idea she would be this awful, especially since she knows & likes my partner so well, and knows that we are committed to each other. In particular, what she said about my dad really felt like a kick in the stomach.

I'm sorry that your mother's making you feel so bad. I'm just surprised that you weren't really aware of her conservatism. Best of luck.

Nonoperational

Unfortunately there are quite a number of people in Ireland who have these notions and "morals" so entrenched in them that no matter who, what, where or when they will not be for changing.
In her eyes she is right and it's a black and white issue. Unfortunately it's unlikely to get easier quickly, but as things progress, things will thaw. Eventually when ye are married and she has a grandchild it will quite possibly be completely forgotten about. Best of luck with everything.

pwurple

Oh my god, I'd no idea, are you serious?! I would definitely want him to have the same rights as me, sure that's ridiculous!

Vaguely worried you might need to know the legal functions of marriage.

In a long term relationship, people tend to want a few legalities ironed out. Mainly the roles their parents now hold, get transferred to their partner. Marriage is a mechanism for doing these automatically, but you can get a solicitor to sort some of them out for you.

1) Consent, next of kin. You probably want eachother to hold these roles now. Solicitor can do something here.
2) Taxation. Some differences when married. Might make a difference depending on your situation. You can run the numbers here. http://www.deloitte.ie/tc/
3) Inheritance. Automatically goes to parents, so make a will to fix that.
4) Inheritance tax. Unmarried people pay 25% tax on any inheritance, spouses inherit tax free. Can't do this one without the marriage I'm afraid.
5) Guardianship of children. As mentioned earlier in thread, solicitor can do this.

So, while you are at the solicitors getting the gaurdianship sorted, make sure the two of you make wills, and do something for medical consent and next of kin.

Let your mum know that's all in hand and she will be somewhat reassured I'd say.

LegacyUser

You definitely need to have a good talk with your mother about this. Try to get a sense of whether this is likely to simply blow over in time. If so- then just wait it out! If not, then you need to ask yourself how you feel about allowing your child to grow up in contact with that sort of negativity, or if perhaps it could even escalate. Some of what you've described is extremely hostile behavior.

If you don't like the look of that future, you need to consider making it clear to your mother that either she can have a positive part to play in your child's life, or she will see very little of her grandchild. It's something of an ultimatum, and probably a very stressful prospect. But you're about to start something- a brand new family. Are you going to allow that to be compromised from day one?

Hopefully, she'll come to understand that there's something more at stake here than some very dusty old principles. The reality of her grandchild being born might be enough in itself to make her put it aside. Anyway, I hope it works out well for you!

babymomma13

pwurple wrote: »

Vaguely worried you might need to know the legal functions of marriage.

Vaguely worried that I have given the impression that I'm an idiot...
We have already put an insurance policy in place, and have written wills (including provisions for future children). We jointly own our house, so no issue with inheritance tax, and have named each other as next of kin on bank accounts and pensions. As this is our first child, and I had not come across it before, I had no idea that naming the father on the birth certificate did not affect his legal standing in relation to that child, but the information on the Guardianship Act and the solicitor has been very helpful, thank you.

babymomma13

the_syco wrote: »

Is your mum one of those "mass every day, what will the neighbours think" type of people?

Actually, no, that's the crazy thing! She only goes to mass now and again, but she definitely cares way too much about what the neighbours think. Stupid thing is, I don't think there's a neighbour left that doesn't have an "illegitimate" child in the family...

Lingua Franca

Congratulations, babymomma! I hope everyone in your real life comes round for you soon. We're all delighted for you.

Diziet

ulyssescohen wrote: »

I appreciate the mother's perspective - although not behavior.

However, Diziet, this is bad advice, and will only make matters much worse. This would make he situation worse, not better

To be honest I have found that when I have been up front with close family (without being rude) the sky did not fall in and the behaviour improved. My mother (who I love to bits but can be very trying at times) had my sister wound up to the extent that she has had time off work with stress. It was only when my sister took a deep breath and told her not to do certain things that were upsetting her that the situation improved. My mother never tried the same tactics with me because I tend to say straight away if something is not accep[table to me. There is no need to have an argument, but a 'please don't do this, it is very upsetting' is straightforward enough. How are people to know their behavour is not on unless we tell them? If nothing is said then they assume, quite rightly, that we are in agreement.

None of us is in the OP's shoes, these are only personal opinions. I am sure the OP is perfectly capable of choosing the best course of action for her and her family.