How would you handle this situation?

LegacyUser

What would you do? I have 2 children under the age of 10. My sister and boyfriend were visiting one evening. I had put the children to bed, but they never sleep straight away, so I often pop in and out of the sitting room to check they not getting up to mischief. This evening her boyfriend went to the toilet, I thought nothing of this. I was chatting, but as usual I thought to get up and check on the kids. When I came out of the sitting room, across the way, down the hall is their bedroom, the boyfriend is coming out. I initial gut reaction thought was 'what the hell are you doing in there', but because I did not expect this I said nothing and he did not offer an explanation as to why he went in, he just went back to sitting room and I went into the kids. I asked the kids, they gave no explanation. I have met him a few times previously and really liked him, but I wouldn't say I really know him. My kids really like him, because my sister and him are very good with them.
I understand the kids could have called him and wanted to talk to him, but he could have spoken to them from the hall because the end of the bunk bed met the doorway and kinda blocks it a little, so he had to kinda squeeze in and out of the room.
My dilemma is that in the current environment, I feel there are unwritten rules, people need to protect themselves as well as the children. If he was talking to them from the hallway, I would have been fine with that, but the fact that he went to the trouble of squeezing past the end of the bunk bed to get into room, has me concerned. He did not know that I check on the kids as regular as I do.
Though my sister is great with my kids, our relationship is not good, so I don't feel I can talk to her about this (the reason she was in my house was my mother was there). I have changed my plans for Christmas as to avoid them and I am planning on avoiding them until my kids are 18. They have called to my house since and received a very cold reception, which I am not proud of, but I don't know what else to do.
I don't want to talk to anybody about it, in case I am wrong about him, which I could be, but have no way of proving it either way. But I am finding the thoughts of having to avoid them over a long period of time stressful and they seem pretty solid not breaking up anytime soon. I would see them 2 or 3 times a year normally.

GreeBo

Sounds like you have decided he is a paedophile and are treating him as one, but are not willing to confront anyone about it.
I hardly think avoiding your sister for over 8 years is logical or practical.

Esoteric_

Instead of judging him instantly as a paedophile, talk to your children. It's not that difficult to ask 'So what happened when XXXX was in your room? Did he just come in to chat or did you call him in?'

Unless he has actually done something wrong, it's completely irrational to stay away from your sister until your children are adults.

Maybe mention to your sister that you don't think her boyfriend should be going into your kids' room when they're supposed to be going to sleep.

ABajaninCork

Did you ask the BF what he was doing in the children's room? If not, why not?? That's the first thing I would be doing.

Secondly - sit your kids down and TALK to them. Don't yell at them, ask leading questions or make accusations. Just ask them what happened when he went into the room. How long was he there for?

Why are you not willing or able to deal with the situation?

Avoiding your sister for something her bloke may or may not have done without explanation or finding out what happened is irrational to say the least. What are you going to tell your mother and sister when they ask (which they will)?

LegacyUser

@geebo: I did not confront him at the time because I was in shock, was not sure how to react.
@Abajanin
If I ask him about it, what do you think he will say? If he is a predator type, then he will deny it or make an excuse - if he is not, he will be very insulted and say he was in there for whatever reason, but how can I believe his answer anyway.

Secondly nothing would have to happen in the beginning predators break down barriers at first before actually committing any crimes e.g. going in children's rooms making them used to them being in there.

I always put myself in other's shoes when trying to work things out in my head and in the current climate and if i did not know people that well, I would not be caught dead in a child's room on my own and I am female.

@LyndaMcl:
I have asked my children why he was there and they said they did not know. I don't think it is wise to wait until he does something wrong.

ABajaninCork

guest123456789 wrote: »

@geebo: I did not confront him at the time because I was in shock, was not sure how to react.
@Abajanin
If I ask him about it, what do you think he will say? If he is a predator type, then he will deny it or make an excuse - if he is not, he will be very insulted and say he was in there for whatever reason, but how can I believe his answer anyway.

Secondly nothing would have to happen in the beginning predators break down barriers at first before actually committing any crimes e.g. going in children's rooms making them used to them being in there.

I always put myself in other's shoes when trying to work things out in my head and in the current climate and if i did not know people that well, I would not be caught dead in a child's room on my own and I am female.

@LyndaMcl:
I have asked my children why he was there and they said they did not know. I don't think it is wise to wait until he does something wrong.

If I ask him about it, what do you think he will say? If he is a predator type, then he will deny it or make an excuse - if he is not, he will be very insulted and say he was in there for whatever reason, but how can I believe his answer anyway.

Looks as though you've made up your mind without even making cursory inquiries. Fair enough. But HAS he done anything wrong? If anything, you should have set boundaries in the first place like LyndaMcL says. You should tell ANY visitors that they are not to go in the children's rooms if they're in bed. It's common sense anyway.

It seems to be you are unwilling to handle the situation, but would rather keep dodging your sister and her BF, until the kids turn 18. How practical is that?? I understand your need to protect your kids, but if I'm honest, I don't understand your stance.

LegacyUser

ABajaninCork wrote: »

If I ask him about it, what do you think he will say? If he is a predator type, then he will deny it or make an excuse - if he is not, he will be very insulted and say he was in there for whatever reason, but how can I believe his answer anyway.

Looks as though you've made up your mind without even making cursory inquiries. Fair enough. But HAS he done anything wrong? If anything, you should have set boundaries in the first place like LyndaMcL says. You should tell ANY visitors that they are not to go in the children's rooms if they're in bed. It's common sense anyway.

It seems to be you are unwilling to handle the situation, but would rather keep dodging your sister and her BF, until the kids turn 18. How practical is that?? I understand your need to protect your kids, but if I'm honest, I don't understand your stance.

As I said, I would think it common sense not to be going into children's rooms when they are in bed, I shouldn't have to say that. I am not sure what rock he was under when all this sh1t hit the news and everybody nowadays are more careful with how they behave around children. I don't think I am overreacting I said if he spoke to them from the hall, that was fine, there was no need for him to go to the trouble of literally squeezing past the end of the bunk beds to get into the room, the kids could hear him just as good from end of bunk bed as the side of bunk bed. So I can't think of any reason he would need to go into their room.

Big Bag of Chips

If he and your sister are very good to your kids, then he might have just heard them talking and popped in to say hello.

I think it's a litttle bit unhealthy that your first (and only) impression is that he is a predatory paedophile and you want nothing to do with him or your sister anymore.

I would be more inclined to think it was a bit naive of him to go into their room rather than having any malicious intent behind it.

At the end of the day it's up to you what you do, but you have asked "how would you handle this situation?" - I would use the opportunity to talk to my kids about being able to tell me anything. And it doesn't matter if someone asks them to keep a secret that they didn't like, it is always ok to tell me. I don't think I'd necessarily assume he was up to anything.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If he and your sister are very good to your kids, then he might have just heard them talking and popped in to say hello.

I think it's a litttle bit unhealthy that your first (and only) impression is that he is a predatory paedophile and you want nothing to do with him or your sister anymore.

I would be more inclined to think it was a bit naive of him to go into their room rather than having any malicious intent behind it.

At the end of the day it's up to you what you do, but you have asked "how would you handle this situation?" - I would use the opportunity to talk to my kids about being able to tell me anything. And it doesn't matter if someone asks them to keep a secret that they didn't like, it is always ok to tell me. I don't think I'd necessarily assume he was up to anything.

My sister has being going out with this guy for about 2 years and I have met them about 5 or 6 times when visiting my parent, during these visits I would be in the kitchen chatting to whoever and my sis and her BF would be playing with my kids in the sitting room, which I thought was sweet, because aside from my sis and I not seeing eye to eye, this did not affect her relationship with my kids.

So, after bedroom incident, I kinda put that out of my mind, thought I would make sure it would not happen again and forgot about it. But at the next encounter at my parent house, I again was in kitchen and one of my children was in sitting room watching cartoons. My sis and her BF got up late and came down stairs. My sis came into the kitchen to have her breakfast as I thought her BF would do, but he stayed in the sitting room. I really was not thinking anything wrong but when I went into sitting room, he was sitting right next to my child and she was sitting on edge of the seat looking uncomfortable. Now there were loads of seats in the room and most people would pick an empty one and not sit right next to someone else. So I asked my child later on why she was sitting on edge of seat so uncomfortable looking and she said 'she was shy'. I told her she could always move away if she was uncomfortable not to worry about other people.
So why would he stay in sitting room watching cartoons instead of coming into kitchen to speak to adults and have breakfast? My gut was telling me there is something funny here not my head. My head is saying I don't want to deal with this, this is stressful and I could be wrong.
So, am I getting from your replies that I should say it to him, because if there is some sort of consensus on that I will think about doing that? Should I say it to my sis? I am not sure if she would know what to do or have the emotional maturity to deal with this.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I would be more inclined to think it was a bit naive of him to go into their room rather than having any malicious intent behind it.

Even this annoys me; if the kids are awake, is it really that naive to go into their bedroom to say hello and/or have a bit of a banter with them? Despite what newspapers might want you to believe, there isn't a paedophile lurking at every corner.

I have two nieces, and sometimes when I visit my brother/sister-in-law, they might already be in bed; if I were to use the bathroom upstairs and hear that they were still awake, I wouldnt think twice about going in to see them. I have done, in fact. To be honest, this kind of hysteria worries me; it seems these days very adult male is not to be trusted around children alone.

OP, to suggest - to even insinuate - that someone is a paedophile is the worst thing you can do to anyone, and unless you have a fairly solid base of evidence (which it's clear you don't - you havent even spoken to your kids about it) I would think long and hard about what you do or say next.

I actually find it bizarre that you'd even come to this conclusion, unless your sister's BF has given you reason to believe he's a very shady character or something. Furthermore, I think it would be grossly unfair to deprive your children of contact from their aunt and her boyfriend, considering you have mentioned they all get along so well. To hazard a guess, if they get on that well, would it not make sense for him to call into see them?

Everything aside, I understand you only what to ensure your children are free from harm at all times; but this needs to work on a rational level. Talk to your children and let them know they can always talk to you, otherwise you're just going to have to wrap them up in cotton wool for the rest of their lives and drive yourself crazy.

ABajaninCork

guest123456789 wrote: »

My sister has being going out with this guy for about 2 years and I have met them about 5 or 6 times when visiting my parent, during these visits I would be in the kitchen chatting to whoever and my sis and her BF would be playing with my kids in the sitting room, which I thought was sweet, because aside from my sis and I not seeing eye to eye, this did not affect her relationship with my kids.

So, after bedroom incident, I kinda put that out of my mind, thought I would make sure it would not happen again and forgot about it. But at the next encounter at my parent house, I again was in kitchen and one of my children was in sitting room watching cartoons. My sis and her BF got up late and came down stairs. My sis came into the kitchen to have her breakfast as I thought her BF would do, but he stayed in the sitting room. I really was not thinking anything wrong but when I went into sitting room, he was sitting right next to my child and she was sitting on edge of the seat looking uncomfortable. Now there were loads of seats in the room and most people would pick an empty one and not sit right next to someone else. So I asked my child later on why she was sitting on edge of seat so uncomfortable looking and she said 'she was shy'. I told her she could always move away if she was uncomfortable not to worry about other people.
So why would he stay in sitting room watching cartoons instead of coming into kitchen to speak to adults and have breakfast? My gut was telling me there is something funny here not my head. My head is saying I don't want to deal with this, this is stressful and I could be wrong.
So, am I getting from your replies that I should say it to him, because if there is some sort of consensus on that I will think about doing that? Should I say it to my sis? I am not sure if she would know what to do or have the emotional maturity to deal with this.

Yes. You must talk to both. Speak to your sister first, then approach the pair of them together.

Big Bag of Chips

But you don't know who sat down first OP, you weren't in the room. He could have sat on the seat, and your child could have gone over and perched awkwardly on the corner beside him. Kids do it all the time. Mine will even squash in between me and the arm of the couch and perch on the corner of the cushion, when there is a whole empty seat beside me. Nieces/nephews/friend's kids all tend to sit on top of me (and others!).

Maybe he didn't come into the kitchen because he is picking up on the fact that you don't like him.

There are any number of maybes here...

But you are only thinking along one line.

LegacyUser

@jamrach. I appreciate you obviously have a good relationship with your brother,sil and their kids, your are a close family member. I have close family members that would do the same as you and I don't have a problem. This person is not close he is practically a stranger to me and my kids, my kids have taken to him because he is my sis BF, I trust my sis on her choice of BF, but these few incidents in the light that he is a stranger to me and my kids more or less, have given me a fright (for want of a better word).

Esoteric_

OP, I'm not trying to be rude here, but you're disregarding absolutely every piece of (good!) advice you've been given here. You clearly have it set in your mind that this man is a sexual predator, with seemingly NO basis for this assumption.

If you're not willing to follow what appears to be pretty unanimous advice, why are you posting here? Like, what do you expect to get? We're not going to tell you that he's a paedophile just to satisfy the (frankly, irrational) ideas you have.

LegacyUser

i felt compelled to pipe in here as feel this is getting overly one sided

i agree it is sad that there is so much fear out there, a lot of it not rational.

BUT, the reality is that the OP feels something is not quite right. A parent's instinct counts for something here and I don't believe she is wrong for finding this behaviour at least a cause of suspicion.

I agree ignoring the man and her sister are not the solution, but the reality is that she shouldn't be waiting for solid evidence before she acts here. she is completely correct about how grooming begins.

However, it is essential that you talk to your sister OP. Be tactful about it, don't accuse him of anything, but she needs to be put on notice. if there is something inappropriate about this guys behaviour it is likely that she has noticed it too. if she thinks the whole thing is ridiculous, that is fine, you can continue to set your boundaries and protect your kids as you see fit. no matter how upset you think she may be, it is important that you communicate your concerns.

I'm saying all of this knowing full well that this guy could be the nicest guy in the world, and he will probably be upset when he hears what you think. But reasonable people should understand that a mother's first priority is her children's safety.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

@Lynda. I am posting here because I need to talk to somebody about this. I need to get my thoughts out of my head and see what people think. I cannot talk to anybody else about this. This is the only way I can get it clear in my head. So why don't you come down off your high horse and just respond with some good advise.

LegacyUser

It may be possible that your children are picking up on your odd behaviour/hostile vibes towards this man, and are acting accordingly?
Kids are fairly clued in, they know when their mum is her normal self& when her guard is up.
An isolated unexplained incident does not a predator make. Keep the lines of communication with your children open, certainly, but do not ask them "leading" questions (an example would be- "Don't you think it strange that X came into your room?", as opposed to "How come X was in your room?") Again, children will often reflect back what they think you want to hear. So if you're projecting this guy in a negative light, they too will begin to look on him with suspicion.
As for the sitting room story, I well remember as a girl of that age having "crushes" on older guys& acting awkwardly. It really could be that innocent.
If you've only met the guy 2-3 times in the last year, you actually don't know him that well AT ALL. Maybe if you did, it might set your mind at ease a bit more? There's an element of "stranger danger" to the whole thing at the moment.
Why not just say directly to him, on his own, "Look, there's been something that's been bothering me since your visit to my house, I should have brought it up, but why were you in that room?" And leave that question open in the air for him to answer. His response should tell you all you need to know.

woodoo

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Maybe he didn't come into the kitchen because he is picking up on the fact that you don't like him.

That was my first thought, some people are shy and not particularly comfortable in their in laws house, children tend to be more easy to deal with in them situations.

He should not have went into the room most adult men these days know to well about the hysteria and would never do that. Its very sad but i wouldn't even let someone elses child sit on my knee or take them anywhere or spend any time alone with them. Your reaction to this man proves me right. Its a pity but that seems to be the way these days.

LegacyUser

woodoo wrote: »

That was my first thought, some people are shy and not particularly comfortable in their in laws house, children tend to be more to easy deal with in them situations.

He should not have went into the room most adult men these days know to well about the hysteria and would never do that. Its very sad but i wouldn't even let someone elses child sit on my knee or take them anywhere or spend any time alone with them. Your reaction to this man proves me right. Its a pity but that seems to be that way these days.

I was perfectly nice to him up to this point, it was after this that I began to think that I need to be more careful.
Hysteria, this is an interesting word, because I get the feeling that just because I am picking up on behaviour that is nowaday's not socially normal for people who are not so well known to the family and I am anonymously asking for advice, I am being hysterical and perhaps other mothers in my situation who have nowhere to turn in this kind of situation, will now be afraid to look for advise because they are afraid they will be labelled hysterical (and I am constantly second guessing myself about this). Are there no professional organisations that I could talk to about this who could guide me on how to best deal with my situation.

Esoteric_

guest123456789 wrote: »

@Lynda. I am posting here because I need to talk to somebody about this. I need to get my thoughts out of my head and see what people think. I cannot talk to anybody else about this. This is the only way I can get it clear in my head. So why don't you come down off your high horse and just respond with some good advise.

I already gave good advice, just to point out.

At the end of the day, there's very little else that any of us can say. You won't talk to him, because you 'know' he'll deny anything. You won't talk to your sister because things are fraught between you both. You've already spoken to your kids. What else can you do except cut contact with them, for something which could be nothing?

And I'd appreciate you not insulting me when I'm trying to help, thanks.

LegacyUser

wait a sec wrote: »

i felt compelled to pipe in here as feel this is getting overly one sided

i agree it is sad that there is so much fear out there, a lot of it not rational.

BUT, the reality is that the OP feels something is not quite right. A parent's instinct counts for something here and I don't believe she is wrong for finding this behaviour at least a cause of suspicion.

I agree ignoring the man and her sister are not the solution, but the reality is that she shouldn't be waiting for solid evidence before she acts here. she is completely correct about how grooming begins.

However, it is essential that you talk to your sister OP. Be tactful about it, don't accuse him of anything, but she needs to be put on notice. if there is something inappropriate about this guys behaviour it is likely that she has noticed it too. if she thinks the whole thing is ridiculous, that is fine, you can continue to set your boundaries and protect your kids as you see fit. no matter how upset you think she may be, it is important that you communicate your concerns.

I'm saying all of this knowing full well that this guy could be the nicest guy in the world, and he will probably be upset when he hears what you think. But reasonable people should understand that a mother's first priority is her children's safety.

Best of luck.

Thank you, I really appreciate your post. I will take what you have said on board.

LegacyUser

OP am I right I assuming your a single mum? What kind of male role models do your kids have around them? Have you brothers or your dad etc around them? I ask because my friends two kids when they were younger tended to act very clingy and sometimes awkward around any male visitors. She's a single mum and an only child who lived a good 3 hours from her parents. Her kids had no contact with their dad or any other major male role model in their lives so when male visitors came over they tended to be clingy to them. I stayed one night with my BF at the time who wasn't good with kids and he complained the youngest followed him everywhere and wanted him to go play with him in his room just the two of them. Your kids may well have latched on to your sisters BF but have picked up on your dislike and are worried about getting in trouble with you. They may well have been taking that night and called him in and he just didn't think, or maybe they dropped something off the bunk or were doing something they shouldn't have and asked he not tell mammy. Do you know anything about this guy? Does he come from a small or big family? Is he just use to being round lots of kids and doesn't think anything of it? Or is not use to being around kids and doesn't know what's inappropriate. Or as others have said he's picked up on your dislike for him and maybe thinks the way to win you over is to be good with the kids.

I'm not trying to mock your reaction to this OP but it does seem a very OTT and kids are very quick to pick up on that. Talk to you sister, it's really the only option here as your approach of cutting them out is just not a solution. Also talk to your kids, you can't wrap them in wool forever OP but you can make sure they know then can talk to you about anything if they need to.

woodoo

OP just keep a good tight eye on him and see how things go. But don't go spreading rumours about him on such flimsy evidence.

LegacyUser

Can't log in wrote: »

OP am I right I assuming your a single mum? What kind of male role models do your kids have around them? Have you brothers or your dad etc around them? I ask because my friends two kids when they were younger tended to act very clingy and sometimes awkward around any male visitors. She's a single mum and an only child who lived a good 3 hours from her parents. Her kids had no contact with their dad or any other major male role model in their lives so when male visitors came over they tended to be clingy to them. I stayed one night with my BF at the time who wasn't good with kids and he complained the youngest followed him everywhere and wanted him to go play with him in his room just the two of them. Your kids may well have latched on to your sisters BF but have picked up on your dislike and are worried about getting in trouble with you. They may well have been taking that night and called him in and he just didn't think, or maybe they dropped something off the bunk or were doing something they shouldn't have and asked he not tell mammy. Do you know anything about this guy? Does he come from a small or big family? Is he just use to being round lots of kids and doesn't think anything of it? Or is not use to being around kids and doesn't know what's inappropriate. Or as others have said he's picked up on your dislike for him and maybe thinks the way to win you over is to be good with the kids.

I'm not trying to mock your reaction to this OP but it does seem a very OTT and kids are very quick to pick up on that. Talk to you sister, it's really the only option here as your approach of cutting them out is just not a solution. Also talk to your kids, you can't wrap them in wool forever OP but you can make sure they know then can talk to you about anything if they need to.

No I am not a single Mom, they have a fantastic Dad and they are age 4 and 6, so too young for crushes. They have no idea about how I feel towards this person.

LegacyUser

woodoo wrote: »

OP just keep a good tight eye on him and see how things go. But don't go spreading rumours about him on such flimsy evidence.

Thank you.

CarMe

OP I don't think a lot of the posters have been fair to you. You're children are under ten so they've been on this earth a good long time and Im presuming you've never before had these feelings about a man around them, I think that in itself says a lot. Never under estimate gut instinct, my friend was abused by her uncle and another friend by a neighbour and like this the parents later admitted they never felt quite right about them. You've no solid evidence, I should bloody hope not and certainly don't wait until you do!!
I really hate this insinuation that's it's weird that you automatically think peadofile, seems so old Ireland, don't talk about the fact the fact they exist and people are continuously coming out and saying they were abused now and the horrible fact is people will be coming out with the very same sad stories when our kids are adults too OP so do whatever it takes to keep your children safe and I commend you on not brushing your niggling feelings under the carpet. This man is probably lovely, though what you've outlined would ring alarm bells for me to be honest.
When you address this I would do it with your sister alone and explain to her exactly how you feel and why.

GreeBo

CarMe wrote: »

I really hate this insinuation that's it's weird that you automatically think peadofile, seems so old Ireland, don't talk about the fact the fact they exist and people are continuously coming out and saying they were abused now and the horrible fact is people will be coming out with the very same sad stories when our kids are adults too OP so do whatever it takes to keep your children safe and I commend you on not brushing your niggling feelings under the carpet. This man is probably lovely, though what you've outlined would ring alarm bells for me to be honest.

It is weird to automatically assume someone is something as heinous as a paedophile! Logically there are far more people who are not paedophiles than who are and deciding that someone is one on the "evidence" that the OP has shared so far is pretty poor imo, especially considering what would happen to this man if the OP's "feelings" became public knowledge.

Having children doesnt give you the right to support irrational behaviour.


We had a thread on here before about an inlaw accusing someone of being a paedophile and making inappropriate advances towards their children. There are very serious legal implications involved where this is heading OP, you need to get this resolved one way or another, pussy-footing around doing nothing will achieve precisely that, nothing.

Either move on or bring it up, either way it must come to a head and be resolved for everyones sake.

LegacyUser

GreeBo wrote: »

It is weird to automatically assume someone is something as heinous as a paedophile! Logically there are far more people who are not paedophiles than who are and deciding that someone is one on the "evidence" that the OP has shared so far is pretty poor imo, especially considering what would happen to this man if the OP's "feelings" became public knowledge.

Having children doesnt give you the right to support irrational behaviour.


We had a thread on here before about an inlaw accusing someone of being a paedophile and making inappropriate advances towards their children. There are very serious legal implications involved where this is heading OP, you need to get this resolved one way or another, pussy-footing around doing nothing will achieve precisely that, nothing.

Either move on or bring it up, either way it must come to a head and be resolved for everyones sake.

I would just like to point out that, I am not trying to frighten men into not interacting with children. Men are as important in children's lives as women and I have had very wonderful, loving and caring men in my life. My Dad's friends used to always talk to me and try and have a laugh with me when I was a kid. I appreciated that and enjoyed that and I would hate to think that men would be afraid to have fun and interact with children nowaday's.
My point is as a parent it is my job to protect my children and the adult's around us need to facilitate me in doing that. This person who will always remain anonymous and there is no worries about legal issues as I am only on here looking for advise on how best to move forward. He who is most likely naive in his actions, need to realise that they have a responsibility to help me in keeping my children safe. Therefore when I put my children to bed, which should be the safest place on the planet for them, then no unauthorised person should cross the threshold of their bedroom.

LegacyUser

CarMe wrote: »

OP I don't think a lot of the posters have been fair to you. You're children are under ten so they've been on this earth a good long time and Im presuming you've never before had these feelings about a man around them, I think that in itself says a lot. Never under estimate gut instinct, my friend was abused by her uncle and another friend by a neighbour and like this the parents later admitted they never felt quite right about them. You've no solid evidence, I should bloody hope not and certainly don't wait until you do!!
I really hate this insinuation that's it's weird that you automatically think peadofile, seems so old Ireland, don't talk about the fact the fact they exist and people are continuously coming out and saying they were abused now and the horrible fact is people will be coming out with the very same sad stories when our kids are adults too OP so do whatever it takes to keep your children safe and I commend you on not brushing your niggling feelings under the carpet. This man is probably lovely, though what you've outlined would ring alarm bells for me to be honest.
When you address this I would do it with your sister alone and explain to her exactly how you feel and why.

You are right I have never had these feelings about any of the other men in their lives. I am not about to gather any more evidence. The other posters seem unhappy with my lack of evidence. I think a practical stranger entering my children's bedroom is evidence enough for me to be concerned. But this is where I am stumped, I hate the fact of what I might be implying about this guy and almost can't verbalise it, I want to just pretend it didn't happen, but that is not good enough either. So I rather try to avoid them. Therefore nobody ever has to know my thoughts. But, I am getting the feeling from the posters that is not the solution either. Thank you, I appreciate your calm and balanced response to my post.

ibarelycare

OP what does your children's father have to say about this situation?

You said that your children said "I don't know" when you asked them why your sister's bf was in their bedroom. Did you leave it at that? Did you ask them if he was interacting with them in any way, if he just walked in and stood there? Or what? It seems strange that you would ask them why he was in their room, they would answer "I don't know" and you would not ask them any further questions.

ifElseThen

You need to gently pry a bit more with your children to try to see if anything untoward has happened. Until you can find a satisfactory answer, I think you have every right to be cautious about letting him be around your children. As adults, both your sister and her bf should understand your concerns. I'd much rather risk offending somebody than let my 2 children be in a position where something could happen. Until you know him better, I think you're dead right to not leave him alone with them.
Have a read of this,
http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/atlarge/2012/09/24/120924crat_atlarge_gladwell

All too often, people give the benefit of doubt to the abuser.

If you want to avoid offending your sister, be normal around him but just ensure he is never alone with your children. Better safe than sorry.