I need help/advice please

Irish Lost

Hi everyone,
I just need some advice, hopefully someone can help me.
I have been with my girlfriend for over 11 years since I was 19. I have lived with her 10 and a half of those years. She is the nicest and sexiest person i've meet in my life but today she has told me that our love has gone past love and she now feels we are best friends. I still feel more in love with her from the moment i've met her and i will always feel this way.
She basically doesn't love me anymore.

Is there any hope for me as every second my heart feels like it's going to break a bit more.

Thanks for any advice in advance

This is my story each day as I start life on my own.

hownottomanup.blogspot.com

Dad11

Hi there,

I am very sorry you are going through this difficult time. Getting to the point, usually there are signs when a relationship is changing. Some of these are, dont have sex as often, frequency of kissing decreases, stopping doing things together. Have you noticed anything like this ? In terms of what can you do about it ?

You need to talk to ur lady and find out why she feels like this ? Be open honest and straight with her!

Irish Lost wrote: »

Hi everyone,
I just need some advice, hopefully someone can help me.
I have been with my girlfriend for over 11 years since I was 19. I have lived with her 10 and a half of those years. She is the nicest and sexiest person i've meet in my life but today she has told me that our love has gone past love and she now feels we are best friends. I still feel more in love with her from the moment i've met her and i will always feel this way.
She basically doesn't love me anymore.

Is there any hope for me as every second my heart feels like it's going to break a bit more.

Thanks for any advice in advance

Irish Lost

Hi Dad11,
Thanks for replying, we never had sex as much as I wanted and it was something that I kinda had to come to terms with, that she wasn't as sexual as me but to be honest I would do anything as long as it made her happy.
She was always loving and we kissed about 40 times minimum a day (no lie).

You might be right with the sex thing, this has just happened me so I'm still learning what went wrong.
Is there anyway of rekinldling everything if she does decide to give it a try,

PS she is my first sexual experience ever and still the only one so i could be a bit ****...............arrrghhh!

summerlucey

Hello,
This must be a difficult time for you. First of all you're calling her your girlfriend - perhaps shes hinting for a ring - you'd want to be showing her a bit of commitment after 11 years! I know i would be anyway. I strongly believe what you put into a relationship you get out of it. Perhaps you've been taking your relationship for granted and presume she'd always be there. Maybe this is a warning and you just need to spice things up a bit - surprise her, try something new, break out of a boring routine. Did ye ever talk about the future? Count yourself lucky she had the decency to tell you so you have a chance to make more of an effort. I would appreciate her honesty.

The other side to it is - you were young enough when you first went out, perhaps your relationship has run its course? Are you only saying you really love her so much because theres a fear its over? We all want something more when we cant have it.

If you think theres still hope you gotta fight for it and basically prove to her your worth keeping basically. It is possible though to fall outta love with somebody though..... Saying that i hope you can work through this. Best of luck

Irish Lost

Thanks for the reply,
I believe we have I have put everthing into the realtionship but maybe we spend too much time together, i have always wanted to get married to her but she tells me if i went down on one knee, she kick me in the balls as she see's it as a waste of money but I think your right i need to fight and if there's a chance of it working, i need to try and make it work better.

I'm still calling her my girlfriend as we live together in our house and she's asleep in bed after telling me this tonight.

Thanks for the advice

summerlucey

That can def be a downfall spending too much time together. You really need to stir things up a bit. Does your gf want to have children - she cant be that young if ye'r together 11 yrs. Like whats her plan? No marriage? No kids? Not as much sex as you'd like? Perhaps this girl has done you a favour - shes even after falling asleep after telling you such an upsetting thing. I know id be crying anyway even if i was the one telling my partner as it should be a difficult thing to say. Is she faithful well that you know of? Dont criticise yourself just because shes your first sexual partner - that has nothing to do with it. You need to question yourself and actually find out what exactly is it that draws you to this girl? Has it all just become a bit of a habit being in a relationship with her and saves you the bother of finding someone new? Perhaps start with a little break and see how you get on without each other. Go have some fun and hopefully find someone that appreciates you.

Irish Lost

I'll be honest, I would never be able to love anyone else. She did fall asleep crying and she is faithful to my knowledge and I do trust her. I just hope this works out as I won't be doing this again, I've given too much and couldn't face this again.
She looks a lot younger than her age, she's 32, and maybe by me trying to please her and go with the flow that I've made things boring for. She has said she doesnt know if there's a chance of making it work, i see this as still a chance #optimistic

I so hope that I can make this work as all faith in love and life will be lost to me

summerlucey

You have it bad. Id say shes bored. Spice things up. Go to Ibiza on hols or somewhere lively! Even to Dublin city and book into a hotel for a night. Ye need to create a life for ye'rselves outside each other and perhaps ye'l appreciate each other more then

Irish Lost

thanks, i just hope she is willing to try and give it another go. We do spend most of our time together but i love every second of it, This is the worst day in my life so far, i hope this is a tunnel with a light at the end or even a flashlight half way through it

P. Breathnach

I'll start with an honest assessment: on the basis of what you have told us, it doesn't look too good for you. She would not have said something like that without believing it to be true. I'd like to be wrong.

It looks to me as if this is the first serious setback in your relationship - unless you have neglected to tell us about other difficulties, or perhaps even failed to take proper notice of problems. You should not give up on the basis of one setback, no matter how great it seems at the time. Hang in there and see if the situation might turn around. Please note how I expressed that last thought: you probably can not turn the situation around; you can't force her to love you. You can hope that what she now feels is a temporary thing, that something is happening in her psyche which might change.

Love changes over time. The dizzy excitement of new love does not generally last. It morphs into a calmer, more solid bond with major components of affection and friendship - but also with a special character that makes it different and more important than the relationships you have with other people in your life. But it can be less exciting.

Be gentle with her: she is having a bad time, too. Be accommodating: it would be wrong to guilt her in thinking she had to continue loving you. What you must hope for is that she find that she does really love you, but perhaps in a slightly different way.

How do you imagine it might play out if you separated for a while?

Irish Lost

Hey,

This is our first time having any problem but she is the type of person that bottles things up and I'm the type the puts all my cards on the table.

If we had a break, it would crush me but I'm willing to do anything to save this, I just really hope that feels that there is a chance. I still believe there is a chance even though it might be very small but i'm willing to do anything.

Its just hard to be told that someone loves like a friend after so long together when I feel the same as the first day I met her.
Even now I feel so lucky to wake up this person everyday, I so hope this isn't the end.

P. Breathnach

Of course you are willing to do whatever you can to save the relationship. The reality might be, however, that you cannot save it. As I said before, you cannot make somebody love you.

I'm not advocating that you take a break. I don't know you or her, so I am not in a position to judge what is right or wrong for you. That is why I put it in the form of a question. But take note of the language I used. I wrote of separating; you wrote of taking a break. The difference I see is this: if you separate for a while in order to review your relationship, there is an understanding that neither of you gets involved with other people; people often use the idea of being on a break as including a licence to pursue other liaisons. I believe that an 11 year relationship merits a bit more loyalty than is implied in such an idea of "taking a break".

You and she have a lot of talking to do. If she is the type who bottles things up, then it will be difficult for her. It won't be easy for you either, especially as your hope is that she will change her mind.

Another question: is it possible that you have been suffocating her with your love?

Irish Lost

hey,
Its possible but it's hard not to love her so much.

I need to change something as she see's us like friends but this was not the case for the last 10 and a half years

I am finding it hard to comprehend this, mzybe i'm just a fool

Thanks for your reply

Irish Lost

Some space has been agreed, I can just wait and hope now.
Say a prayer for me if you feel inclined.

Thanks for all the comments

Irish Lost

Day 1 - Of Being Alone

****ty day so far, cried uncontrollably 3 times in my work enviroment, no one seen this but I'm sure I looked ****ed up afterwards.:(

On the positive side, I got out of bed, got dressed and went to work:D
Negative side is I can't masturbate due to my uncontrollable crying.:o

When the hell do I man up:mad:

Summary - I feel very numb and lost

simply simple

have you ever tried posting a letter to her.I know u both live together, mail or message is a quick option but letter works wonders,not a love letter but ur true feelings and how this has made u realize that mere feeling of losing her love has tightened ur belts to impress her again and that u will win her heart again from the beginning.Everything will turn into a new game for both of u.Trust me on this.
I had a same situation.I am a girl and I said the same thing to my partner a year ago.we have spent 8 years together now.He just swallowed it without reacting or crying or anything, he created a little gap between us but not in a bad way, instead motivated me doing something new and mentioning his long lost hobbies and knowing mine.We found out that we both had some common hobbies which were suppressed long ago.sport activities together once a fortnight may be a bit helpful.

Me Tilty

Irish Lost wrote: »

Day 1 - Of Being Alone

****ty day so far, cried uncontrollably 3 times in my work enviroment, no one seen this but I'm sure I looked ****ed up afterwards.:(

On the positive side, I got out of bed, got dressed and went to work:D
Negative side is I can't masturbate due to my uncontrollable crying.:o

When the hell do I man up:mad:

Summary - I feel very numb and lost

Why do you feel the need to masturbate if you are crying so much?

Irish Lost

This happens during no further detail is required.....

Irish Lost

simply simple wrote: »

have you ever tried posting a letter to her.I know u both live together, mail or message is a quick option but letter works wonders,not a love letter but ur true feelings and how this has made u realize that mere feeling of losing her love has tightened ur belts to impress her again and that u will win her heart again from the beginning.Everything will turn into a new game for both of u.Trust me on this.
I had a same situation.I am a girl and I said the same thing to my partner a year ago.we have spent 8 years together now.He just swallowed it without reacting or crying or anything, he created a little gap between us but not in a bad way, instead motivated me doing something new and mentioning his long lost hobbies and knowing mine.We found out that we both had some common hobbies which were suppressed long ago.sport activities together once a fortnight may be a bit helpful.

I really like the idea of a letter, I'll try that. Thanks

Irish Lost

I decided to do a blog of each day as I start life on my own. Its at this address, I never did this type of stuff before but it might help me to write things down.

hownottomanup.blogspot.com

Me Tilty

Irish Lost wrote: »

I decided to do a blog of each day as I start life on my own. Its at this address, I never did this type of stuff before but it might help me to write things down.

hownottomanup.blogspot.com

What if she sees your blog? What then ?

Siuin

Irish Lost wrote: »

I decided to do a blog of each day as I start life on my own. Its at this address, I never did this type of stuff before but it might help me to write things down.

hownottomanup.blogspot.com

I would personally strongly advise you to keep your blog private if you are using it as a means of self-help. To an outsider, it doesn't paint you in a terribly good light.

Irish Lost

Humour is my way of dealing with things, but being afraid of what other people think of has never been a fear of mine.

I thank you for your advice though

Irish Lost

Me Tilty wrote: »

What if she sees your blog? What then ?

Sure what if she does, I doubt she will but I have no sense of embarressment, I lost it in nam:D

Me Tilty

Irish Lost wrote: »

Sure what if she does, I doubt she will but I have no sense of embarressment, I lost it in nam:D

But you life over the past number of years would then be in jeopardy

Irish Lost

Me Tilty wrote: »

But you life over the past number of years would then be in jeopardy

I don't think it would be, it's just about how I'm feeling, put in an unusual way. I have to be me too, but thanks a million for advice

Me Tilty

Irish Lost wrote: »

I don't think it would be, it's just about how I'm feeling, put in an unusual way. I have to be me too, but thanks a million for advice

Yes but private things should be done privately

Irish Lost

Me Tilty wrote: »

Yes but private things should be done privately

I think it's down to the individual, I don't know what else to do so I do. This is very hard for me

Me Tilty

Irish Lost wrote: »

I think it's down to the individual, I don't know what else to do so I do. This is very hard for me

The letter idea seemed good and it can be done privately in a private manner

Irish Lost

Me Tilty wrote: »

The letter idea seemed good and it can be done privately in a private manner

Im going to do the letter idea, I think it's more personal so I'll let you know how I get on

Me Tilty

Irish Lost wrote: »

Im going to do the letter idea, I think it's more personal so I'll let you know how I get on

Where is she living now? Do you have an address to post it to ?

Irish Lost

Me Tilty wrote: »

Where is she living now? Do you have an address to post it to ?

She moved home so I'll send it there, I think I've forgotton how to write

Me Tilty

Irish Lost wrote: »

She moved home so I'll send it there, I think I've forgotton how to write

Say what's in your heart

Irish Lost

Me Tilty wrote: »

Say what's in your heart

I've said it all but when someone doesn't love you back, what do you do..................

Me Tilty

Irish Lost wrote: »

I've said it all but when someone doesn't love you back, what do you do..................

Might be time to move on, lad

Irish Lost

Me Tilty wrote: »

Might be time to move on, lad

If it was that easy or if I didn't love her with all my heart............that might work but I can just hope

Me Tilty

Irish Lost wrote: »

If it was that easy or if I didn't love her with all my heart............that might work but I can just hope

Hope for what? Move on or reconcile with her?

Katy89

I browsed through your block, was a bit curious:D. On one hand I have to say I admire how you deal with it, putting it all in a humurous way, it's very unusual.

anyway, you said you'll write her the letter.
don't you think you should just leave it for a while? I mean, she left you, and I don't think it was a very decent way how she did it.
she just said she doesn't love you anymore, you are only best friends anymore and next day she's gone. that's not very respectable. I would think after a relationship of 12 years there should be a bit more of an effort from her to talk things through and more explanation.

you sound like a very decent guy, don't you think you are worth more and she owes you some explanation and it's not your turn to write a love letter now? it will probably just drag her further away!
and maybe this involves some of the 'crux' why she broke up? could it be you are too nice? it's crazy, but it's also common in relationships which go downhill, not because one partner is to bad, no because he/she is too soft/nice.
don't mean to hurt you, just my 2 cents from my perception of you (trough the internet:rolleyes:)

I would keep my dignity and wait without running after her. she might be back sooner than you think.

daisybelle2008

Irish Lost wrote: »

I've said it all but when someone doesn't love you back, what do you do..................

Space is the only thing really. Just on the love letter, maybe consider holding off on sending it. It could feel a little suffocating and clingy to her. She honestly knows how you feel about her. There is no need to try manipulating the situation with declarations of love in the mail. It is an act of desperation and could backfire.
I'd continue to do stuff for yourself, blog and masturbate to your hearts content, keeping busy is good

simply simple

Irish Lost wrote: »

She moved home so I'll send it there

I doubt that u have explained the right story here.Mere this cant be a reason to leave, not if she has mentioned this to you for the first time in my honest opinion. If she mentioned for the 1st time which I dont agree) and there are no other issues apart from this then u should hold off sending the letter as she need to sort it out with herself first and need to realize whether and if she really wants you, is it her feelings that are the problem or ur deeds, she need to get it clear in her head first for which time is the best and only medicine.

Irish Lost

Katy89 wrote: »

I browsed through your block, was a bit curious:D. On one hand I have to say I admire how you deal with it, putting it all in a humurous way, it's very unusual.

anyway, you said you'll write her the letter.
don't you think you should just leave it for a while? I mean, she left you, and I don't think it was a very decent way how she did it.
she just said she doesn't love you anymore, you are only best friends anymore and next day she's gone. that's not very respectable. I would think after a relationship of 12 years there should be a bit more of an effort from her to talk things through and more explanation.

you sound like a very decent guy, don't you think you are worth more and she owes you some explanation and it's not your turn to write a love letter now? it will probably just drag her further away!
and maybe this involves some of the 'crux' why she broke up? could it be you are too nice? it's crazy, but it's also common in relationships which go downhill, not because one partner is to bad, no because he/she is too soft/nice.
don't mean to hurt you, just my 2 cents from my perception of you (trough the internet:rolleyes:)

I would keep my dignity and wait without running after her. she might be back sooner than you think.

Thanks for your comments, I have thought most of what you said in my head already but it's hard to get the thoughts straightened out as they keep jumping, one to another.
It's good to hear someone else's opinion.

Thanks and I appreciate it:)

Irish Lost

simply simple wrote: »

I doubt that u have explained the right story here.Mere this cant be a reason to leave, not if she has mentioned this to you for the first time in my honest opinion. If she mentioned for the 1st time which I dont agree) and there are no other issues apart from this then u should hold off sending the letter as she need to sort it out with herself first and need to realize whether and if she really wants you, is it her feelings that are the problem or ur deeds, she need to get it clear in her head first for which time is the best and only medicine.

Hey,
Thanks for your comments, this has happened exactly as I've said it but with tears on both sides both mostly mine, the next day she was gone.

I still love her with every part of me, just feel so lost and confused about things have turned out!

If I was a total douche, it would be easier to understand the reason why she doesn't love me any more

Irish Lost

Me Tilty wrote: »

Hope for what? Move on or reconcile with her?

I want her back in my life, I ****ing hate my life!:mad:

Me Tilty

Irish Lost wrote: »

I want her back in my life, I ****ing hate my life!:mad:

Never hate your life as it is finite not infinite

P. Breathnach

Irish Lost wrote: »

I want her back in my life, I ****ing hate my life!:mad:

I am sorry for your pain. You are in a bad place.

Hang in there.

Irish Lost

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I am sorry for your pain. You are in a bad place.

Hang in there.

Thanks

Irish Lost

Me Tilty wrote: »

Never hate your life as it is finite not infinite

just the way I'm feeling......

Me Tilty

Irish Lost wrote: »

just the way I'm feeling......

Feeling your way is just as important as the way you feel

OP, I think your initial post has been answered and advised. At this stage I don't see this going anywhere so am locking.

all the best