so have you ever been stalked?

clarbar

sorry if this topic is abit harsh but due to the jill megher case just wondering and over recent events in my life .... constant phone calls , facebook messages, etc anyone ever been?

Yes, for a period of about two weeks, the phonecalls would start as soon as he'd have time to get home and get drunk, not just to me, but to my ex who was a good friend of mine too. Defamatory things posted on message boards, complete utter lies fed to mutual friends (who very soon became solely my friends). I pretended it was just irritating and a nuisance, but I had a taste of what the guy was capable of, and it scared me sh1tless; took me another few months to completely lose that fear.

Whispered

Not physically, but over the phone, boards, via letters, social sites etc. She was spreading lies, sending random text messages to me that she apparently meant to go elsewhere. Sending a text saying one thing, then claiming she had said something else. Claiming to have records of all of our previous conversations saved ().

I had to get legal advise on it because of a threat directly made by her partner due to lies she told. I feel so sorry for him and their child because she actually seems very nice until she creates a problem and blames others for it.

username123

Waited at a bus stop locally to go into town one night a few years ago, bumped into a guy from school, an odd sort of a chap, harmless enough but just weird.

He sat next to me on the bus and sort of pestered me continuously to know where I was going, what pub, would he and his friends go to the same place later, what bus was I getting home, was I getting a nitelink, would he take my number so he could text me later etc.... It was too full on and a bit freaky but I knew him to be a sort of social outcast saddo so I just deflected him with plausible excuses. He asked where I was getting off the bus and I said central bank and at that stop he stood up and said he would get off there too so I let him walk ahead of me and when the doors opened he got off and I stepped back and called 'bye....' and the doors closed and the bus drove off.

A few months later he was front page news in every national newspaper. He had followed a girl home off a nightlink and brutally raped her. He tried to take her elsewhere after the rape and she was rescued by 2 passerbys who saw she was in distress. I remembered how much he had pestered me that evening and I still get cold thinking of it.

Whispered

Oh my god! Sounds like you had a lucky escape.

WhimSock

Fair play for trusting your gut on the bus dude :eek:

username123

Whispered wrote: »

Oh my god! Sounds like you had a lucky escape.

Yeah I think so. I could easily have met him on a nitelink home - incidentally I got a taxi that night.

WhimSock wrote: »

Fair play for trusting your gut on the bus dude :eek:

It was more my gut from how he was in school - he was that loner person who always was on the edge of groups but no ones friend - if you know what I mean? On the face of it he was just a bit eager and over friendly on the bus, it wasnt sinister, just annoying and a bit off putting. But some people might not have been quick enough to lie about not having their phone, or they might have said where they would be. I just sort of lied automatically (what does that say about me!).

Stench Blossoms

I would say yes. It was a girl.

They constantly text me, emailed me etc. Text me about things I wrote on boards. Sending random text messages to me that she apparently meant for someone else.

I deleted them off facebook and then 'coincidentally' I got a friend request off a guy saying ''Hey, I met you in [popular bar name in the town I live in] but you forgot to give me your number. You put your name in my phone but not your number. Silly you''

I knew straight away it was her because 1) it was the exact same style of writing as hers, 2) I'd never been to that bar and 3) It was a brand new facebook page.

I wrote back saying 'Name, if you contact me again I'm going to the guards' and I didn't hear anything since.

supershy

i was stalked by telephone. About 18 months ago, i started receiving private numbers and it was always outside of working hours. It started off mostly at the weekends about 30 a day and then after a few weeks it went to may be 100 a day. I never got any messages, nobody ever said anything.

This would stop for a few weeks and then start up again. I was always aware of the fact that it was never between 9 to 5. I started to get so paranoid that i thought it was somebody i worked with.

A year ago i changed my number because it got so bad, it was hundreds a day, at all hours of the morning. A few months after i changed my number, I started getting calls to the landline. My parents had to disconnect their phone because it got so bad.

i turned my old phone back on to find a stream of text messages calling me every name imaginable and one that stood out to me was "i can't believe you have done this to me, you are going to pay" It was the first message in the phone - i guessed the person was mad at me for changing my number. I now finally had a mobile number and a friend of a friend of a friend got me the name of the person that the phone was registered to and it was a girl i used to go to school with (we are now in our late twenties) and she lived around the corner from me. A family friend went around to her house and had it out her father and haven't heard anything else.

username123

supershy wrote: »

A family friend went around to her house and had it out her father and haven't heard anything else.

What a nutjob - out of interest, what was it you were supposed to have done?

supershy

I never found out why she harrassed me. Funnily enough, when i'm in the estate or in any of the local shops, I have never ever seen her, not once and it's nearly a year since it all came to a head.

May be she's in some sort of psychiatric place now

LeeHoffmann

I don´t think you could call it stalked but maybe harassed?
1. Over a period of about 3 years, I received very many filthy texts from an unknown source. I never found out who it was. My boyfriend went to the police about it and I went another time, hoping to find out who it was (I was worried he might know me).
2. I got chatting to a guy on a train after a rugby match (we were both Leinster fans). Started out as a normal conversation but then turned weird with him asking me questions like where I live, work, which clubs I go to etc. Somehow he got my phone number (that really freaked me out) and texted and phoned me. He turned up at my old place of work and pretended we were good friends, asking for my number etc. He worked in the revenue. That freaked me out because I was wondering if he had access to my contact details etc. Anyway, one time when he phoned, I answered and told him I didn´t want to hear from him anymore. In fairness to him, he never contacted me after that. I guess he just didn´t realise that kind of behaviour is frightening and completely off putting

LeeHoffmann

I just sort of lied automatically (what does that say about me!).

It says you´re smart. I tend to give strangers too much benefit of the doubt.

username123

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

It says you´re smart. I tend to give strangers too much benefit of the doubt.

It probably just says I was lucky. I knew he was an oddball but until that day I saw the front page news I thought he was harmless.

Stench Blossoms

username123 wrote: »

It probably just says I was lucky. I knew he was an oddball but until that day I saw the front page news I thought he was harmless.

For some unknown reason to me I always lie and tell people my name is Michelle

username123

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

For some unknown reason to me I always lie and tell people my name is Michelle

lol.

The older I get the easier I find it to extricate myself from weirdos. Perhaps its a self conscious thing, when I was young I would be polite and end up stuck with them for ages, now I dont mind being rude and just ending the conversation. I mean actual weirdos now, not just relations I dont like!

Pat Mustard

username123 wrote: »

lol.

The older I get the easier I find it to extricate myself from weirdos. Perhaps its a self conscious thing, when I was young I would be polite and end up stuck with them for ages, now I dont mind being rude and just ending the conversation. I mean actual weirdos now, not just relations I dont like!

www.amazon.co.uk/The-Gift-Fear-Survival-Violence/dp/0747538352/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1349281007&sr=8-1

There is a section in the above book on stalkers, how (not) to respond, what makes them think the way they do, etc.

Also, author says that women find it much harder to be 'rude' to weirdos than men.

A man can and will ignore a weirdo and/or tell him to f*** off but women are more likely to want to avoid the perception of causing offence, which can put them in harm's way sometimes.

A classic one example is a strange man approaching to 'help' a lady with her mysterious flat tyre in a deserted car park. Take your chances with a randomer instead, chances are that he won't have chosen you first.

Interesting stuff.

Giselle

The Mustard wrote: »

A classic one example is a strange man approaching to 'help' a lady with her mysterious flat tyre in a deserted car park. Take your chances with a randomer instead, chances are that he won't have chosen you first.

Interesting stuff.

Reading stuff like that makes my blood run cold. The thought of being cold bloodedly targeted like that is chilling.

Pat Mustard

Giselle wrote: »

Reading stuff like that makes my blood run cold. The thought of being cold bloodedly targeted like that is chilling.

If you thought that was chilling, read this.

http://www.irishexaminer.com/news/cork-residents-living-in-fear-after-killers-return-180850.html

Ectoplasm

I was actually although it took me a while to really recognise it for what it was. I'd met this guy online and we'd started chatting. All very innocent at first but it eventually developed into a relationship, despite the fact it wasn't a dating site.

We met up and everything was fine until after things got, ahem, physical. At that point, he started to get fairly intense. He was in my place for the first time when I noticed a few clangers, little jarring things he said.... 'if we get married' was the one that really set alarm bells ringing but I ignored it as I told myself that the problem was little old commitment-phobe me, that he was just joking etc.

Several other incidents happened, really minor things and I just put them down to early days, figuring things out and so on, until a weekend where we had separate plans made. His fell through (although I now suspect he either cancelled or never had them) and he became absolutely furious when I didn't immediately cancel my plans. It was way, way OTT and also a bit of a hot button for me - I can't stand folks who drop their mates when they are loved up so I'll never do it myself.

After a row via phone I told him we were finished. This was followed by non-stop calls for two hours, multiple texts and voice-mails where he would by turns insult me and then beg for another chance. I was concerned and made plans to stay elsewhere for the next few nights. I later got a torrent of abuse about 'cheating' on him - he had known I wasn't at home.

Here is the really mad part though - I still didn't think of him as a stalker, just a bit loony tunes. I figured it would pass. I was wrong. Several incidents of him showing up at my house, leaving voice-mails, texts etc. If I went online he knew it and would mail me. I felt constantly watched. It went on for weeks and I didn't seek help because stupidly enough I felt somehow to blame. It sounds mad, but it's really hard to see when it's happening to you.

I did finally tell him I had reported him and that my phone was being monitored which stopped the calls and texts. In the meantime, I moved so he no longer knew where I lived. I honestly think had I not moved, things wouldn't have resolved so quickly. It was only about 2 months but it was horrible. I look back on it now and just think I had a lucky escape.

mackg

The Mustard wrote: »

If you thought that was chilling, read this.

http://www.irishexaminer.com/news/cork-residents-living-in-fear-after-killers-return-180850.html

My friend was actually really worried about walking home from the bus when that story came out and we live in a different part of the city.

IvyTheTerrible

Yep, by phone. About 12 years ago, I was coming home from a night out on the nightlink, a bit tipsy and ended up talking to the guy sitting beside me (I'm terribly chatty when I'm tipsy). Anyway, he asked for my number and me being silly couldn't think of an excuse not to, or to give him the wrong one. Anyway, he texted me during the week asking to meet up, I said no sorry not interested, he replied saying "Oh what did I do wrong?" (like wtf?). Anyway totally ignored him. But he started ringing me on my mobile every day four or five times (I'd never answer). But the freaky thing was when he started calling my landline. After about 3 months is stopped. But I really wonder should I have gone to the guards.

borderlinemeath

Years ago - Myself and my workmates used to go to the same bar every friday evening, we knew the barstaff and loads of regulars so it was very easy to chat to people who were friends/work colleagues of others.

Anyway, a guy approached me, offering me a drink, can't remember whether I accepted or declined but when he started talking to me it was clear that he knew more than he was letting on. He knew where I worked, where I lived, the route I walked home from work, where I socialised and commented on clothes that I wore. I worked in fashion retail at the time so I could only assume he had been watching me in work as well:eek:. The only thing he didn't have was my phone number, I didn't have a mobile at the time and my landline was ex directory.

He began turning up every time I went out, after work, at weekends etc. I didn't speak to him, I used to turn around and he would be a few feet away, just looking at me, it was really freaky. I was single and normally went out with the girls and it went on for about 6 months until I started seeing a guy who basically told him in no uncertain terms that if he continued following me that he would be taking matters into his own hands. He stopped following me but I would still see him occasionally as he obviously knew people I did but he never bothered me again.

eviltwin

I don't know if you would call this stalking in the traditional sense of the word but I'll tell it anyway.

A few years ago when I was at a very low ebb I joined a website where I could talk with other people dealing with depression. I got "talking" to a girl who had been through the same experiences I had and we would exchange emails, chat online etc

After a few months she told me she was going to be up in Dublin and would I like to meet her for a coffee? I passed over my number and told her to give me a ring which she did only she was a he and he basically over the course of a few months he would send texts and emails and leave voicemails calling me all sorts of horrific abusive names.

He managed to find one of the parenting forums I used to use where I had a strong presence and a good reputation and basically told them everything I had chosen not to talk about. I ended up leaving that site after it.

Eventually I changed my number but the emails continued for a few months after that until he just gave up. Even though I never had any physical contact with him I still feel a bit traumatised by it to the extent that if I see "her" name anyway I shiver - stupid I know.

I don't know how I would cope if it was someone I actually knew who knew where I lived and worked.

What annoys me is that most people I told think its funny and blame me for it for talking to a person online. Probably I was a bit naive but lesson learnt.

hollypink

eviltwin wrote: »

What annoys me is that most people I told think its funny and blame me for it for talking to a person online. Probably I was a bit naive but lesson learnt.

Funny? :mad: Who in the name of god would think that behaviour was funny?

IzzyWizzy

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

It says you´re smart. I tend to give strangers too much benefit of the doubt.

Unfortunately, a lot of Irish women seem to think being rude is unacceptable, even when you're being harassed. I'll happily ignore someone or tell them to leave me alone if I have a bad gut feeling and I've had friends give out to me for being 'ignorant'. I was brought up to put my own safety before the feelings of some randomer but it seems like most people aren't.

username123

IzzyWizzy wrote: »

Unfortunately, a lot of Irish women seem to think being rude is unacceptable, even when you're being harassed. I'll happily ignore someone or tell them to leave me alone if I have a bad gut feeling and I've had friends give out to me for being 'ignorant'. I was brought up to put my own safety before the feelings of some randomer but it seems like most people aren't.

I think its more than that Izzy. A lot of Irish people do not like to be perceived to be causing a 'scene'. Culturally we are quite backward about speaking up negatively.

IzzyWizzy

username123 wrote: »

I think its more than that Izzy. A lot of Irish people do not like to be perceived to be causing a 'scene'. Culturally we are quite backward about speaking up negatively.

That's the same sort of thing, though, isn't it? Worrying more about what other people may think of you than about your own safety. I've been shocked in the past to see friends engaging weirdos in conversation just so they didn't seem rude. I think it's something in Irish culture, that seeming 'rude' is somehow one of the worst possible sins.

Pat Mustard

IzzyWizzy wrote: »

That's the same sort of thing, though, isn't it? Worrying more about what other people may think of you than about your own safety. I've been shocked in the past to see friends engaging weirdos in conversation just so they didn't seem rude. I think it's something in Irish culture, that seeming 'rude' is somehow one of the worst possible sins.

"The fear of offending is stronger than the fear of pain" is a line out The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

People tend to disregard their instincts at the risk of being thought of as causing offence.

mariaalice

But sometimes its very hard to know if the person is a harmless eccentric or potentially dangerous.

Pat Mustard

mariaalice wrote: »

But sometimes its very hard to know if the person is a harmless eccentric or potentially dangerous.

If you are feeling uncomfortable with a situation or a person, it could be 200,000 years of highly evolved instincts telling you to get outta there fast.