What do you think?

LegacyUser

Earlier this year, I had reason to ask my father for help. I’m usually quite independent and rarely ask for anything. I thought that since I’ve done a lot for him, he’d not mind helping me. Nor would it be a big deal. How wrong I was. He very reluctantly and grudgingly and only very late in the day did he change his tune. I was left feeling very hurt and somewhat angry by his attitude.
I confided in some friends because his attitude had upset me and a couple of the older ones made me stop and think. They pointed out that what I’d asked him to do was taking him out of his comfort zone and was a bigger deal to him than a younger person. That I’d taken him out of his comfort zone and the stress of this over-rode anything else. I still feel a bit hurt at how horrible he was to me that day but I’m much more at peace with it now.
I’m telling you this story to perhaps put a different perspective on your problem. I’m not for one moment condoning what your OH’s doing but sometimes it helps to see things from another person’s point of view. Maybe he doesn’t feel involved in the bringing up of the kids? He’s more stressed out by it than you think? It’s probably true too that he has been in a comfort zone of his own and hasn’t been affected as much as you by having these kids.
You also said things haven’t been good between yourselves for a while. So maybe you should do something about that? Go see a counsellor if necessary.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the feedback, it's been very helpful. I just wanted to add a few things and answer a few questions:
1) Both my children hated bottles and that is why I have never been away from them for more than a few hours. And I am not even going there with the whole breastfeeding/formula debate!! I did what I feel is best for my children.
In both pregnancies I had SPD so hobbling along to hen nights was not the best idea as I would have been so uncomfortable
2) I have NEVER moaned about my OH having weekends away and never threw it back in his face, as you'll see from my first post I think he deserves a break, as do I. I just added into my post to give a bit of background info.
3) The break in January was suggested as my family in England are having a party and my mum thought this was a good a time as any for us to go away. So that is why January propped up. Also my mum and sister want the extra long weekend to spend time with the family. I could go Sat and Sun only but it would mean flying on my own and having a rushed visit which is not what I want tbh.
4) My OH is a fantastic Dad, very hands on and takes our eldest boy everywhere with him so I know leaving them with him wouldn't be much hardship. They would probably live on junk food for the weekend and stay up all night but I can live with that
5) He never uses his days, as I said previously, he always has some left at the end of the year that he has to take or lose them so why not use them on me??

I should be saying all this to him I know but we are now being very responsible adults and not talking!!

Rosy Posy

OP I am in a similar situation to you in that I have exclusively breastfed all of my children (no bottles- straight from breast to cup) and that my OH has enjoyed far far much more freedom in the early years. I know it is hard for people who bottle feed to understand the reliance that an exclusively breastfed baby has on mum's physical presence. But you need a break too and it will make a better mother of you if you can have some space to be yourself again. I think that part of your OH's anxiety around being left with the children is a fear of incompetence based on his lack of experience with the minutae of looking after a baby. I know with my first child I had a tendency to micromanage my OH's time with the children- instead of letting him figure it out himself I had to either do it for him or stand over him tutting because he wasn't doing it 'right'. You need to gradually empower him to come to a place where he is comfortable taking exclusive responsibility for his children. Your holiday is quite a way away and if I'm correct your baby will be hitting the nine month mark by then? There's a world of difference between six and nine months, I always found that my OH's interest perked up when the baby became a bit more interactive. I would suggest that you start NOW giving him some more responsibilities, especially learning to put baby down for naps and to sleep at night. Let him do this in his own way (within reason), for example, with my daughter my OH used to hold her under the extractor fan in the bathroom and rock her until the movement and the white noise sent her to sleep. Random and I didn't totally approve but it got me off the hook having to bf her to sleep and he was empowered by figuring out a parenting strategy on his own. Other aspects of care he can take over completely, such as bathtime or some kind of weekend activity. If I were you I would build his confidence with the kids up, giving heaps of praise, over the next three months to get him to a place where he is happy to take them for your well deserved break.

I know other posters lambasted the poster who said that men don't like to hear about their 'negative equity' in stag nights nights out etc etc etc but I have to say I'd agree somewhat- from a purely selfish pov its may be true but its not going to get you anywhere. Have a look at the book/site babyproofing your marriage, particularly what they say about score keeping. http://www.babyproofingyourmarriage.com/

LittleBook

whatdoyethink? wrote: »

4) My OH is a fantastic Dad, very hands on and takes our eldest boy everywhere with him so I know leaving them with him wouldn't be much hardship. They would probably live on junk food for the weekend and stay up all night but I can live with that

The only thing that would have satisfactorily explained his reaction (if I was in this situation) is if the case was that he was worried about coping on his own and had a knee-jerk reaction to your plan. My friend's partner has to take his kids (3 & 5) to his Mum's when she goes away for a weekend because he claims he cannot (read: "will not") cope with them on his own.

I'm struggling to see what exactly is your husband's problem here. Using a couple of days out of his annual leave is not a valid explanation for his reaction and I still suspect it's not the real reason as it's just so ... unreasonable.

So ask him. Without going into the fact you need a break (which is obvious) or the fact that he's had breaks (which is clearly not an issue for you) ... ask him what IS the issue.

Big Bag of Chips

You say he's very hands on, and brings the 3 year old everywhere... How good is he with the baby though?

My husband is brilliant, now that the youngest is 4. But he wasn't always that keen to be left with the kids in the early days.

If it's purely selfish reasons that he doesn't want to use his precious holidays, then I say book your ticket and give him the dates you'll be gone.

If it's down to him not being comfortable with the baby, build it up between now and January where he does more and more with the baby.... And then give him the dates you'll be gone!

meeeeh

whatdoyethink? wrote: »

Thank you all for the feedback, it's been very helpful. I just wanted to add a few things and answer a few questions:
1) Both my children hated bottles and that is why I have never been away from them for more than a few hours. And I am not even going there with the whole breastfeeding/formula debate!! I did what I feel is best for my children.
In both pregnancies I had SPD so hobbling along to hen nights was not the best idea as I would have been so uncomfortable
2) I have NEVER moaned about my OH having weekends away and never threw it back in his face, as you'll see from my first post I think he deserves a break, as do I. I just added into my post to give a bit of background info.
3) The break in January was suggested as my family in England are having a party and my mum thought this was a good a time as any for us to go away. So that is why January propped up. Also my mum and sister want the extra long weekend to spend time with the family. I could go Sat and Sun only but it would mean flying on my own and having a rushed visit which is not what I want tbh.
4) My OH is a fantastic Dad, very hands on and takes our eldest boy everywhere with him so I know leaving them with him wouldn't be much hardship. They would probably live on junk food for the weekend and stay up all night but I can live with that
5) He never uses his days, as I said previously, he always has some left at the end of the year that he has to take or lose them so why not use them on me??

I should be saying all this to him I know but we are now being very responsible adults and not talking!!

I exclusively breastfeed till my son was six months and I remember how hard it was to get him to take bottle. So I actually do understand how hard it can be. I just want to say that suggestion of keeping score and listing everything you had to do as suggested by some will not help the situation, because it doesn't seem that your partner was taking many days of either.

I might be wrong but I have a feeling you live with workaholic and sometimes any excuse is good to be in work and I heard them all together with the whole guilt trip. And yet when it's emergency or something else he can easily take time off. I think you could book the holidays. If you don't you'll resent him and it will make things even worse. You could maybe look into someone minding children during the day for a day or two, if he really insists on being to busy to take days off. It's handy anyway if there is some kind of an emergency. I just think that keeping scores is not very helpful, that is all.

LegacyUser

Used to live next door to a couple with three children. Dad was a workaholic, Mom worked too but is a great Mom to her kids.

Anyway, Mom used to go away for weekends/overnights/nights out and leave completely inept Dad minding the kids. She'd just announce, I'm away on x date and that's it. We were horrified! He literally didn't have a clue and I'm talking about when the kids were still in nappies. We'd hear the kids crying and knew there was chaos, but had to leave him at it. I used to wonder how she could go away with a clear conscience, but her attitude was , they're his kids too, it took the two of us to make them and he is going to take responsibilty for minding them. Sometimes he'd pack them up and they'd go to his parents, but most of the time he did just fine. I don't think he was impressed with the situation, but it was presented as fait acompli.

Now, I admire her for saying that she needed her time in order to be a better mother. OP, you need to go out, have a meal without someone pulling at you or telling you they need potty or whatever. I know that these are the joys of being a mom, but you also need adult time and a chance to relax.

If he wants to sulk, that's his business. If he wants to pay a childminder, that's up to him. But explain that you need a break, you're going, the kids are his for those few days. and explain that if he needs help, you accept that. But he needs to organise that help, not you.

If he doesn't accept that Moms need a break every now and then, I fear you may have bigger problems than a weekend away.

Lollipops23

anonogirl wrote: »

Anyway, Mom used to go away for weekends/overnights/nights out and leave completely inept Dad minding the kids. She'd just announce, I'm away on x date and that's it. We were horrified! He literally didn't have a clue and I'm talking about when the kids were still in nappies. We'd hear the kids crying and knew there was chaos, but had to leave him at it. I used to wonder how she could go away with a clear conscience, but her attitude was , they're his kids too, it took the two of us to make them and he is going to take responsibilty for minding them.

He's a grown man, baby minding is tiring, but not rocket science. He's their father and a grown man, the mother shouldn't have it on her "conscience" when she's leaving her children with their father.


It seems a lot of people have what I would consider to be very backwards views on motherhood and the role it is.