Did you ask your partner's parents before proposing?

eviltwin

If its just a matter of respect why is only the father asked? Is the mother's opinion not important?

And why is the bride not expected to show the same respect to her future husbands family and ask if they are okay with it too?

anncoates

Of course not.

I was marrying her, not buying her.

UCDVet

eviltwin wrote: »

If its just a matter of respect why is only the father asked? Is the mother's opinion not important?

And why is the bride not expected to show the same respect to her future husbands family and ask if they are okay with it too?

It's a tradition.
Most traditions come from sexist times and reflect that.

Yes, it is sexist.

Why is the mother's opinion not important? Because men, traditionally, ran the household and would decide important matters. Why is the bride not expected to show the same respect? Because she is a woman - she's not supposed to court a man; she's supposed to stay at home, a virgin, and wait for a man to come along who will support her while she raises his babies.

That's also why the woman, traditionally, takes the man's name.
That's also why the woman, traditionally, wears an engagement ring and the man does not.

It's all very sexist, yes.

However, I never hear anyone complain about how women are the center of attention at the wedding, or about how men are supposed to buy them a fancy diamond ring and get down on one knee and propose.

I only hear people (but mostly women) complain about the sexist things that benefit the men. It's almost as if, even now, people think women need more protection and are looking out for their interest.

Which is also sexist.

Reindeer

Before I proposed to my wife, I took both her parents aside at one of our holiday gatherings and I told them they should be proud to have such a wonderful daughter. I lovingly explained how happy she made me, that I was truly and madly in love with her, and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her with their blessings.

It's about respect to the family of your potential wife, as well as it is to your potential fiance. When you ask for her parent's blessing, what you are doing is proclaiming that you truly love their daughter, that your intentions are sincere, and that you are beginning to consider her parents part of your family as well, and are including them in your life's decisions. It is one of the most respectful means in which to begin the familial relationship with your in-laws, and all parents greatly appreciate the honor of having been asked, even if it is nearly ceremonial. There are precious few other ways you can spend a few short minutes that will impress upon your in-laws how much respect you have for them.

UCDVet

Reindeer wrote: »

Before I proposed to my wife, I took both her parents aside at one of our holiday gatherings and I told them they should be proud to have such a wonderful daughter. I lovingly explained how happy she made me, that I was truly and madly in love with her, and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her with their blessings.

It's about respect to the family of your potential wife, as well as it is to your potential fiance. When you ask for her parent's blessing, what you are doing is proclaiming that you truly love their daughter, that your intentions are sincere, and that you are beginning to consider her parents part of your family as well, and are including them in your life's decisions. It is one of the most respectful means in which to begin the familial relationship with your in-laws, and all parents greatly appreciate the honor of having been asked, even if it is nearly ceremonial. There are precious few other ways you can spend a few short minutes that will impress upon your in-laws how much respect you have for them.

Two questions for you...
1.) What does 'your inentions are sincere' mean?
2.) What would you do if they had said 'No'?

Mr Benevolent

Reindeer wrote: »

Before I proposed to my wife, I took both her parents aside at one of our holiday gatherings and I told them they should be proud to have such a wonderful daughter. I lovingly explained how happy she made me, that I was truly and madly in love with her, and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her with their blessings.

It's about respect to the family of your potential wife, as well as it is to your potential fiance. When you ask for her parent's blessing, what you are doing is proclaiming that you truly love their daughter, that your intentions are sincere, and that you are beginning to consider her parents part of your family as well, and are including them in your life's decisions. It is one of the most respectful means in which to begin the familial relationship with your in-laws, and all parents greatly appreciate the honor of having been asked, even if it is nearly ceremonial. There are precious few other ways you can spend a few short minutes that will impress upon your in-laws how much respect you have for them.

Arrrgh! Fetch me a bucket, NOW!

Duggy747

I'd ask the GF's mother because she scares the shìt out of me.

eviltwin

Reindeer wrote: »

Before I proposed to my wife, I took both her parents aside at one of our holiday gatherings and I told them they should be proud to have such a wonderful daughter. I lovingly explained how happy she made me, that I was truly and madly in love with her, and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her with their blessings.

It's about respect to the family of your potential wife, as well as it is to your potential fiance. When you ask for her parent's blessing, what you are doing is proclaiming that you truly love their daughter, that your intentions are sincere, and that you are beginning to consider her parents part of your family as well, and are including them in your life's decisions. It is one of the most respectful means in which to begin the familial relationship with your in-laws, and all parents greatly appreciate the honor of having been asked, even if it is nearly ceremonial. There are precious few other ways you can spend a few short minutes that will impress upon your in-laws how much respect you have for them.

Different strokes and all that....I think marrying someone is enough of a validation of your feelings, you don't have to jazz it up by asking her folks beforehand. And while its nice that you get on so well with your inlaws its not really necessary to include them in all your life decisions, presuming you and your wife are adults you should be content to do that on your own.

And the best way to respect your inlaws is to treat their child with respect through the marriage, be a good husband/wife and a good parent if you have kids. Thats all they want.

sbsquarepants

I don't think there is any point in asking the question, unless you care about the answer. If i was going to propose to my girlfriend, her answer is the only one i'd be interested in - i don't need anybody elses permission!
Obviously i'd rather her father was ok with it, but if he wasn't then so be it - fúck him.

say_who_now?

Reindeer wrote: »

Before I proposed to my wife, I took both her parents aside at one of our holiday gatherings and I told them they should be proud to have such a wonderful daughter. I lovingly explained how happy she made me, that I was truly and madly in love with her, and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her with their blessings.

It's about respect to the family of your potential wife, as well as it is to your potential fiance. When you ask for her parent's blessing, what you are doing is proclaiming that you truly love their daughter, that your intentions are sincere, and that you are beginning to consider her parents part of your family as well, and are including them in your life's decisions. It is one of the most respectful means in which to begin the familial relationship with your in-laws, and all parents greatly appreciate the honor of having been asked, even if it is nearly ceremonial. There are precious few other ways you can spend a few short minutes that will impress upon your in-laws how much respect you have for them.

I was moved to tears reading that story... tears of laughter! :pac:

Having been living with my now wife for seven years before I married her, I knew her father had no time for any such nonsense, we made no big drama about it, my wife told her mum and her mum told my father in law over the breakfast table the very same as you'd throw it into normal conversation. I was out in the living room at the time and all he said was "oh that's great... have we any toast?", and that was it!

Same when we had a child- "Oh very good", and that was it!

In saying that, I still sleep downstairs on the couch when we visit them, because I wouldn't be able to look her father in the eye the next morning after subjecting him to the sounds of me getting it on with his daughter. No parent wants to hear that kind of thing- "I just boned your daughter last night, pass the butter!" :pac:

It also raises an interesting question now I think of it- my wife's brother is getting married to his boyfriend in a few months, I don't think they asked each others parent's permission either!

Royal Legend

UCDVet wrote: »

Two questions for you...
1.) What does 'your inentions are sincere' mean? (when riding ur daughter I am using a condom or I always pull out on time)
2.) What would you do if they had said 'No'?

(Stop using the condom)

sbsquarepants

say_who_now? wrote: »

In saying that, I still sleep downstairs on the couch when we visit them, because I wouldn't be able to look her father in the eye the next morning after subjecting him to the sounds of me getting it on with his daughter. No parent wants to hear that kind of thing- "I just boned your daughter last night, pass the butter!" :pac:

You're married now, you were living together 7 years before hand and you still sleep on the sofa?? Are you mad or what - i wouldn't stay in the house at all if i couldn't sleep with my wife/girlfriend to be quite honest.

Gauss

I asked for permission because my fiancé because she wanted me too. It didn't take much effort so fukc it, if it makes her happy. Both me and her dad thought it was stupid but I went through the motions.

It stupid really.

Shenshen

UCDVet wrote: »

However, I never hear anyone complain about how women are the center of attention at the wedding, or about how men are supposed to buy them a fancy diamond ring and get down on one knee and propose.

I only hear people (but mostly women) complain about the sexist things that benefit the men. It's almost as if, even now, people think women need more protection and are looking out for their interest.

Which is also sexist.

You've never spoken to me, then. I made sure the wedding day was as much about my husband as about me, why would you want to start a marriage focusing entirely on one partner alone?
I never got an engagement ring, and I wouldn't have wanted one. We don't even have wedding rings, because neither of us likes wearing rings.
I proposed to him, not the other way around.

say_who_now?

sbsquarepants wrote: »

You're married now, you were living together 7 years before hand and you still sleep on the sofa?? Are you mad or what - i wouldn't stay in the house at all if i couldn't sleep with my wife/girlfriend to be quite honest.

Ah no sb, it's not that her parents would mind at all, it's ME that wouldn't feel comfortable with it, I sleep with her 25 days or so out of the month, it doesn't kill me for a weekend to keep it in my pants!

Absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I can only watch Sky on the TV downstairs! *cough* :pac:

Dyr

"here, ya know how I've been riding your daughter regular the last few years?"

its pretty silly

Quorum

reeta wrote: »

It is still fairly common, a guy I work with asked his girlfriends dad last weekend (and we live in Dublin):)

What does being from Dublin have to do with it?

Quorum

I wouldn't want my dad knowing about the proposal before me.

seamus

I didn't because my wife was very clear that she wasn't property and the only person who could give permission was her. She still loves tradition though in many respects, so she "required" after I proposed that I ring her parents separately to tell them that I had asked, and ask for their "blessing". Her Mum squealed for about 30 seconds and then burst into tears, her Dad's first response was, "Well, what did she say?".

Dyr

seamus wrote: »

I didn't because my wife was very clear that she wasn't property and the only person who could give permission was her. She still loves tradition though in many respects, so she "required" after I proposed that I ring her parents separately to tell them that I had asked, and ask for their "blessing". Her Mum squealed for about 30 seconds and then burst into tears, her Dad's first response was, "Well, what did she say?".

Maybe he didn't vocalize his first response

Cazale

My wifes parents are separated so I asked/told both of them of my intentions beforehand. It only took five minutes but I think it really helped my relationship with them as they were delighted I made the effort. I knew they would have no problem with it but it was still a bit of an ordeal though. Would rank it up second in the nerves compartment after my driving test!

Her sister got engaged soon after we did but just came home one day out of the blue with the ring. Lets just say it didn't enamour them to her now husband at all.

eviltwin

Cazale wrote: »

Her sister got engaged soon after we did but just came home one day out of the blue with the ring. Lets just say it didn't enamour them to her now husband at all.

Eh..what? Do you mean they don't like him simply because he didn't ask?

Surely they had met him before, knew him well etc. Assuming they liked him enough to accept him as their daughters boyfriend why would they change their opinion of him over something so trivial??

No, but she asked mine.:D

SafeSurfer

Asking the father's permission for his daughter's hand in marriage is a class thing. Middle class wannabes, usually from south county Dublin, think it is classy and gentlemanly and oozes old world charm. Another nouveau riche revival of a practice that should be consigned to the historical dustbin.

cloptrop

Its initiation and a show if respect to a man that done such a good job raising his daughter you wanna marry her . Its a nice bit of tradition also .
I think anyone saying oh shes not property took the cowards option and didnt do it .
What better way to show the love of your woman than go to the den of her father and be brave enough to ask him for his acceptannce .

cloptrop

cloptrop wrote: »

Its initiation and a show if respect to a man that done such a good job raising his daughter you wanna marry her . Its a nice bit of tradition also .
I think anyone saying oh shes not property took the cowards option and didnt do it .
What better way to show the love of your woman than go to the den of her father and be brave enough to ask him for his acceptannce .

The den?

Cazale

eviltwin wrote: »

Eh..what? Do you mean they don't like him simply because he didn't ask?

Surely they had met him before, knew him well etc. Assuming they liked him enough to accept him as their daughters boyfriend why would they change their opinion of him over something so trivial??

No they do like him. He just didn't do any favours for himself after I had asked a couple of months previous.

cloptrop

Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »

cloptrop wrote: »

Its initiation and a show if respect to a man that done such a good job raising his daughter you wanna marry her . Its a nice bit of tradition also .
I think anyone saying oh shes not property took the cowards option and didnt do it .
What better way to show the love of your woman than go to the den of her father and be brave enough to ask him for his acceptannce .

The den?

As in lions den its a metaphor

CruelCoin

whirlpool wrote: »

Do people still do that?

No.

I intend to ask for her fathers blessing, not his permission.

Manners dictate i at least ask for a blessing, but i'll marry her whether he gives it or not.

cloptrop

cloptrop wrote: »

As in lions den its a metaphor

I understand what it means, just find it odd that you would describe your father in laws house a den.
Jungle Book fan?