Dispute with Fiance on where to live

LegacyUser

Hi,

Myself and my fiance are looking to buy a house and settle down. The issue is where to live, i guess i need to give some background to ourselves so that you can see the problem.

myself:
living in the city all my life, 30 yrs of age, my wider family wouldnt be that close, they are spread all over the city. my immediate family are very small, 1 sis, mam and dad. I work in the city and I like the convenience. all my friends are in the city.

Fiance: she's from out in on the border of the county, about 50k into the city. Huge very VERY close family both in terms of location and in relationships. I like going out there but i feel very consumed and smothered by it all. She has a massive immediate family and huge wider family. The location is the type of place were everyone knows everyone. She likes the area, the schools, her friends and family being out there.

so heres the rub, I want a compromise, I want to live convenient to the city but I dont want to live in the back pocket of her family. I'm not exactly close to her family , mainly due to us living in the city, i'd see them now and then at family events or the odd sunday for dinner, but that said i do get on with them. I'm also concerned about having no life out there because my friends and parents are in the city and its not that convenient to just pop out. She reckons i'm thinking too short term, that with kids that will become less priority, i agree less of a priority but still important to me!

so basically i don't know how to handle this one, I actually have a sick feeling about living out there. I don't know what it is, I just don't feel like I can fit in and im not sure what to do about it.

Victor

What about commuting - presumably one would be commuting more than one sees their extended family? Is she working / studying? What of fuel prices? What if a / the car needs work on it? What if there is cold weather like in 2010?

What about access to schools, shops, services, doctors, hospitals?

Stavro Mueller

Have you thought about splitting the difference and living half way between the two?

Also, if you did go live around where she's from, have you factored in the cost of commuting? Both in terms of time spent travelling and the cost to your pocket.

LegacyUser

yeah, I've brought the issue of the cost of commuting, although I can work from home a day a week, its not always practical depending on what is going on in the office.

Public transport is not greater either, I'd have to drive to the train station, get the train, then get a 40min bus to work, her reply is oh you can get a job in town...yeah its just that straight forward. So i'd have to drive, at the moment i spend about 20-30 euro a week on fuel, that would shoot up to 100+ a week if i lived out there.

My compromise is living half way between the city and where she lives and its not being received very well. Also she bangs on about being able to afford a bigger/nicer house...while true, it's still out there!! She thinks our kids would have a better quality of life out there, but what about mine?

All along this subject of where to live always popped up and I always expressed my concerns, I think she thought she would eventually win me over or I'd just go along with it, I think the penny is dropped that my concerns are quite real and this is an issue for me.

we are both working.

bouncebouncey

It'd help if we actually knew where she is from and wants to live. You say 50k away from the city. That's at least an hours drive at least if the city you are talking about is Dublin. Fuel consumption is a big issue too. It will cost heavily in time and money as mentioned.

I had that situation for a while. I live in the city but worked well away from the city. I found the time it cost me more bothering than anything else. I was getting up at 5:30am and not getting home until 7pm at best. It left me little time or energy to do anything during the week and I've never been the type of person who lives to work.

Also it shouldn't be all to suit her. Just because you haven't got a massive family doesn't mean your family is less important. In fact I could say it means quite the opposite. Because there are only the 4 of you in the close family unit its even more crucial you keep those bonds strong.

Splitting the difference seems to be the way to go. Neither of you should have to be isolated from the people and things you value. A middle ground (finances allowing) seems ideal.

I certainly hope shes willing to compromise because if shes not then you have other things to think about!

Ellsbells

So you know it would be a better move for your family should / when they arrive but you still want to live where you want to live rather than where makes sense?

You also say she was hoping you could be talked around yet you knew this was an issue and you still asked the girl to marry you I assume thinking she would change her mind....

bouncebouncey

Ellsbells wrote: »

So you know it would be a better move for your family should / when they arrive but you still want to live where you want to live rather than where makes sense?

Sorry I missed where he said that? I can't seem to find it in any of his posts. If it is in there it would change the parameters of the situation.

Ellsbells

bouncebouncey wrote: »

Sorry I missed where he said that? I can't seem to find it in any of his posts. If it is in there it would change the parameters of the situation.

That's what I took from his comment on priorities.

fits

Well, somebody is going to have to compromise somewhere... thats what it comes down to. And sometimes half way in between is not the solution either.

I've lived outside a city for a long time now, much further than 50 km and you know what, its fine. 50 km is no distance and its much easier to head into a city to meet friends than to head out of the city and really enjoy the country imo.

Perhaps you could rent for six months and try it out? If it doesnt work then have a rethink.

Victor

themover wrote: »

we are both working.

Where does she work in the scheme of things?

Do you both work in jobs where moving is a practical proposition?

Would living near the her family's train station make sense? Or in a suburb that is readily accessible to her family's location?

Taltos

themover wrote: »

My compromise is living half way between the city and where she lives and its not being received very well. Also she bangs on about being able to afford a bigger/nicer house...while true, it's still out there!! She thinks our kids would have a better quality of life out there, but what about mine?
.

I have bolded the bit that jumped out at me.
Unfortunately OP - I believe that when we choose to have kids we have to put our own needs 2nd. I know not nice, but as a parent surely that is one of the responsibilities assumed when you hold a child and their future potential in your hand.

Look - don't rush into a decision. Set aside say a month or 2 months to decide either way. Draw up a list of pros and cons. And see if you can find a compromise you can both live with, if not, well are you willing to separate over this?

Stavro Mueller

fits wrote: »

Perhaps you could rent for six months and try it out? If it doesnt work then have a rethink.

In normal circumstances, this'd be great advice but I'm not sure it'd be a good idea in these circumstances. If after six months, the OP isn't happy and wants to move, getting his fiancée to move could prove to be tricky. He'll be the bad guy. The danger is that by agreeing to rent in her desired location, the problem is solved as far as she's concerned. She has got what she wanted and you can be rest assured that she will embrace her living at home with aplomb. The six months could turn into a year, could turn into two years... It's potentially a slippery slope.

Calhoun

Taltos wrote: »

I have bolded the bit that jumped out at me.
Unfortunately OP - I believe that when we choose to have kids we have to put our own needs 2nd. I know not nice, but as a parent surely that is one of the responsibilities assumed when you hold a child and their future potential in your hand.

While I do agree with this sentiment that the kids have to be a core consideration, I would also look at the commuting as a quality of life issue for the OPs kids.

A long commute not only eats into family finances but the time the OP will have to spend with them, particularly when they are young. If you leave at 5:30 AM and return at 7PM ect chances are they will be sleeping when the OP returns.

Putting aside the issue of child welfare there is also the OPs which although comes 2nd needs to be an important consideration as its no way to live commuting for 10 + hours a week.

Like has been advised OP i would pull a list of the pro's and con's but i would also think through what you are going to do if there is no compromise?

username123

Taltos wrote: »

I have bolded the bit that jumped out at me.
Unfortunately OP - I believe that when we choose to have kids we have to put our own needs 2nd. I know not nice, but as a parent surely that is one of the responsibilities assumed when you hold a child and their future potential in your hand.

I dont think an unhappy father would be best for any kids. Or an unhappy mother for that matter.

Without knowing the area its impossible to say whether or not its better for anyone. It seems that its a simple enough case of 'he wants/she wants' - lets face it, both the OP and his fiance have grown up in the respective places and turned out ok so it would appear either is fine for kids.

It really depends on individual lifestyles. Whats to stop you renting in her area for a while and seeing how it works out for you both?

fits

cymbaline wrote: »

In normal circumstances, this'd be great advice but I'm not sure it'd be a good idea in these circumstances. If after six months, the OP isn't happy and wants to move, getting his fiancée to move could prove to be tricky. He'll be the bad guy. The danger is that by agreeing to rent in her desired location, the problem is solved as far as she's concerned. She has got what she wanted and you can be rest assured that she will embrace her living at home with aplomb. The six months could turn into a year, could turn into two years... It's potentially a slippery slope.

So basically OP just needs to get his way and thats it? There has to be some attempt at compromise somewhere surely? Like, he hasnt even tried it out yet.

I also agree with the point that if they have children their needs should come first.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thanks for everyone taking the time to reply. I wanted to keep some information vague (in case some is reading this). We are living in Dublin. I work in south Dublin, she works in the city center.

She mentioned last night that should could probably get a transfer out to an office nearer the area she wants to live in. That annoyed me if I'm honest because that option isn't as available to me.

On the kids situation, I'm not saying kids should go second, but I still believe I should have some say in this or my feelings should be considered! I asked her last night what are the core reasons for wanting to live there and to be honest she was getting frustrated and said "she just wants to, she always had visions of moving back there" ... now this only came up in the last 6 months when we starting discussing it.

Also she mentioned that if we had kids it would be easier to drop them in and out of her parents and family to be minded ...etc. I mentioned well what about dropping them to mine? she said she never thought of that.

And also it absolutely kills me to think of forking out an extra 300+ euro a month to have to drive in and out of work!

I know we'll figure this out (we kinda have to) but it's so frustrating when she doesn't want to acknowledge the bad economics in it! She mentioned renting to see what it would be like, is that a compromise? I'm not sure it is.

Someone mentioned the importance in keeping bonds with a small family, I am hugely concerned with that, my parents are separated and my mother and sister do not drive so it will be much harder to have them around on the spur of the moment.

Ellsbells

fits wrote: »

So basically OP just needs to get his way and thats it? There has to be some attempt at compromise somewhere surely? Like, he hasnt even tried it out yet.

.

I agree and the poor fiancée is getting a bashing with him dismissively saying 'she bangs on....'. I'd hate if my oh was talking about me like that.

Taltos

Ellsbells, per our Charter if you have no constructive advice then please don't post. Taking shots at an OP in PI/RI has never been acceptable, please don't do this again.

Thanks
Taltos

bouncebouncey

themover wrote: »

Someone mentioned the importance in keeping bonds with a small family, I am hugely concerned with that, my parents are separated and my mother and sister do not drive so it will be much harder to have them around on the spur of the moment.

In relation to this I spoke from experience. I have a very small family and my OH has a really big family.

I think your OH might be doing something similar to my OH (although I'm open to correction) by putting more value in her connection to her family because it's so big. In my OH's case it wasn't malicious but I made it clear to her that I'd go just as far out of my way to see the 2 people close to me and make the necessary arrangements to do so as she would to go and be at one of their huge family get togethers they are so fond of.

If your mother and sister don't drive, and you are commuting 1 hour + to work every day, then you are looking at only being able to see them at the weekends. And given that you won't be fit for much during the week your OH might want to do stuff at the weekends which is perfectly fair. She might even want to pop around to her family which is also fair. But it will very, very much leave you with the short end of the stick.

I don't think seeing the OP's point of view qualifies as bashing his OH or saying he must get it all his own way. He seems willing to compromise and his OH does not.

They both need access to the people and things they cherish. All the OH has to offer is

"she just wants to, she always had visions of moving back there"

This only came up when this discussion started. It's not something the OP knew long term and simply avoided facing. She can have all the visions of moving there she likes but that doesn't change that there a lot of things that need to be factored in to this.

Kids can have just as good an upbringing without having to live on her extended families door step. Compromise can be reached that leaves everyone with a good quality of lifestyle.

So far all I've seen is the OP offering to make some kind of middle ground. His OH, on the other hand, wants to live by her family... just because. She can get her work moved out there so that suits her too, she can drop the kids off at her family but hasn't given a second thought to the OP's family.

So no consideration has been given to the OP's longer days due to extended commute, increased fuel bill, access to his family for himself or any future kids.

I just don't think that's fair. It's a case of I, me, mine from the OH.

She needs to at least be open to compromise and she seems not to be. A really, really, really bad sign in any relationship.

Also I wouldn't rent out there for 6 months because, as mentioned, if you say you don't like it and want to move away it will be incredibly hard to do.

nowyouresix

In the general scheme of things, 50km really is not a far commute. On the M4 for example it should take about around 25 mins... I know there's the extra cost involved, but in terms of raising children in a rural setting, there is no comparison to the freedom they would have there and the freedom they'd have in the city. Also you would be able to have a great house compared to the city.
I don't think OP you are being unreasonable in seeking compromise, but having a large network of relations(however tedious they may be or whosever side they're on) when you are raising kids is enviable.
For me it'd be a no brainer....country vs city, I'd pick country even if it may be a bit parochial for you. And remember , you could still go out in Dublin, 50km is what....around 30 miles...
Good luck

bouncebouncey

Honestly I don't think it's helpful to dismiss that 50km isn't a big deal. I live in Swords now which is 18km from where I work in the city centre. It takes me 40-50 minutes to get home in the evenings. How 50km is supposed to equal a 30 minute drive in rush hour traffic twice a day is beyond me.

fits

To be honest I do think a long commute is a big deal. I agree with that. Any more than an hour is no fun but up to an hour is ok. Travelling 50 km to socialise outside peak travelling periods really isnt a big deal. I've done it myself for years.

Calhoun

nowyouresix wrote: »

In the general scheme of things, 50km really is not a far commute. On the M4 for example it should take about around 25 mins... I know there's the extra cost involved, but in terms of raising children in a rural setting, there is no comparison to the freedom they would have there and the freedom they'd have in the city. Also you would be able to have a great house compared to the city.
I don't think OP you are being unreasonable in seeking compromise, but having a large network of relations(however tedious they may be or whosever side they're on) when you are raising kids is enviable.
For me it'd be a no brainer....country vs city, I'd pick country even if it may be a bit parochial for you. And remember , you could still go out in Dublin, 50km is what....around 30 miles...
Good luck

Ok no offense but this one is abit off on its information. First thing first i would put aside that 25 minutes in reality its closer to 40/50 ( i do similar myself) , this is of course taking into account that someone hasnt ploughed their car into the back of another in which you could be in the car for 1-2 hours plus.

Second, what happens if it snows or we get rained out like we did earlier this year? Commuting in that case is always a nightmare and dangerous.

Third, depending on where you live country life can be better than city life. If you are in a stand alone dwelling or in a very small town OP get used to driving everywhere particularly if your out in a house on your own as the kids will have no one but yourselves to play with.

Fourth, you fuel bill of 300+ i would throw that out the window if things keep going the way they are that probably wont be your full fuel bill and i bet you arent considering driving on the weekends which will add to this.

Finally, i would put away the talk of the OP wanting it all his way. From reading the thread it looks like there have been attempts to meet halfway and but what we are being told their seems to be no compromise from the otherside.

I don't mean to be harsh but if i was in the OP's position i would also be annoyed and my wording wouldnt be 100% right because what it comes to in the end is that this is an important issue that will define both their lives going into the future and if my partner would not compromise on any level i would really wonder if we were meant to be together or at least evaluate the relationship dynamic.

tinkerbell

Hi OP, there's a few things that need to be addressed here. First of all, your fiancée seems to think that her wants are far more important than yours. They are not. You are in an equal partnership, you both have needs/wants and both of you are entitled to your opinion which generally means compromise. I think your fiancée is being incredibly selfish if her main reason for moving home is "just because she always thought she would". That's a stupid idea. You can't just live with mommy and daddy (or beside them) for the rest of your life. There comes a time when you have to grow up and be an adult. As you are getting married, you should be putting each other first before your individual families - you both are each other's main family now.

Another thing to think about, if you live right next door to her parents and all her family, you will see them ALL THE TIME. Do you want them just "popping in" every day? I know people who have moved onto the land of their partner's parents or right beside them and they have the whole family calling over all the time, they never get time to themselves.

If you do move out to her location of choice, you will have to drive. Public transport isn't really a good option considering you need to drive to the train station, get a train and then get a 40min bus. You are gonna be exhausted at the end of each working day after a commute like that. It's one thing getting a bus for 40 mins, it's an entirely other thing adding a drive to the station plus a train journey on top of that. Is she willing to help pay for the higher fuel bills if you move out there? Also if you're travelling on the M50 every day you need to remember that you'll be paying €20 extra a week if you're coming from the N3 side.

You say you work in South Dublin and she's in the city centre, well how about you get a place in South Dublin? You both then will be closer to where you are working. Wanting to live next to her parents just so she can dump her kids off with them whenever she feels like it isn't a good enough reason, IMO. As I said before, she is an adult, she has to grow some responsibility - if she wants kids, she can't just think she can drop them off to her parents whenever she likes. Welcome to the real world - there are tons of parents in this country who do not live close to their parents or immediate family and have to make do with minding the kids themselves.

She's also being incredibly stupid if she thinks that it's a good idea for her to-be husband to start commuting 50km each way into work. Now, depending on where that is, it could take anywhere from 45 mins to 1½ hours. So assuming you have a 9am start, you'll have to leave the house before 7.30, it could even be 7am depending on where you are. You won't be home then til probably 7 / 7.30 at night. How does she think this is a good idea regarding kids? She'll be the sole parent on weekdays (even when she's back at work), and you won't see your kids in the evenings because they'll be asleep by the time you get home probably.

LostPassword

Sounds like you are marrying a clan, not a lady!

nowyouresix

I thought OP worked in south dublin? It takes me 40-45 mins from Mullingar to the M50...takes one hour flat to get to Bray from Longford for a 9am start.... just saying ...

Calhoun

nowyouresix wrote: »

I thought OP worked in south dublin? It takes me 40-45 mins from Mullingar to the M50...takes one hour flat to get to Bray from Longford for a 9am start.... just saying ...

Whats the point? I work in south Dublin which is 10 mins from Bray but 45-50 mins from Kildare give or take if there are accidents or if Newlands cross is clear.

Ellsbells

nowyouresix wrote: »

I thought OP worked in south dublin? It takes me 40-45 mins from Mullingar to the M50...takes one hour flat to get to Bray from Longford for a 9am start.... just saying ...

How does it take that amount of time to travel Mullingar to m50 and only 15 minutes more to travel from Longford to Bray?

Op the commute is no big deal. When kids arrives you may need all the hands you can get?

Calhoun

Ellsbells wrote: »

How does it take that amount of time to travel Mullingar to m50 and only 15 minutes more to travel from Longford to Bray?

Op the commute is no big deal. When kids arrives you may need all the hands you can get?

Do you commute yourself? and would you be willing not to see your children much because you are travelling to and from work? Also all if they were in a midway point between both families would that not increase the support network they would have?

DaisyD2

Ellsbells wrote: »

Op the commute is no big deal. When kids arrives you may need all the hands you can get?

Maybe to some its no big deal but I got promoted & had to move location where my daily commute went from under 20km a day to 90km+ & I have to do outdoor calls - my mileage costs went from under €100pm to more than €450 including tolls! I'm exhausted at end of week & last thing I want is to get in car to visit friends or family.

Way I see it is financially its madness (especially way fuel is increasing) & your work/life balance would be ruined, more so if kids came along.

All so somebody else is "handily nearby" to rear your children? You both need to sit down & truly work out what you both want. Sounds like your trying to but its a culture shock for her as she always "had this idea" so communication is key.

Hope it works out for ye

Stavro Mueller

There is no easy answer to this but I think you should stick to your guns. Keep putting your case forward. My guess is that your fiancee has had a pipe dream that involves you slotting seamlessly into her family set-up, settling without problems in her nice familiar locality, having shiny wonderful kids and you all living happily ever after. Everything has been falling into place nicely for her and it doesn't seem to have occurred to her that there could be hitches in this plan. It might just take her some time to process this and hopefully she'll come round somewhat.

Everywhere has its advantages and disadvantages. I think half-way between would be a happy medium. You'd still not be a million miles away from her family but still far enough away to have privacy. It's worth noting too that lots of people raise kids without having family on their doorstep. It's not as if you'd be going to the moon or anything.