How have you change since having a child?

Ellsbells

I dont think I have changed other than I have become softer - am sitting here crying because a child died on Criminal Minds :rolleyes:

How have you changed?

Acoshla

Probably better off in Parenting.

Maple

Acoshla wrote: »

Probably better off in Parenting.

If you have an issue with a post, please report it.

OP, if you want your thread moved, please let one of the moderators know.

Maple

Acoshla

Don't really have an issue with it, just suggesting to OP that it might be better off there, my bad!

Lucyfur

Honest question for a mod.

How is this a LL topic?

Surely it applies to both genders and is actually more suited to parenting?


But, in answer to the OP's question, I have hardened up since becoming a parent. Parenting has taught me to fight and strive and achieve and nurture and never back down, even when you think you're fighting a losing battle.

Ellsbells

Nope don't want it moved. I am asking the participants of TLL how they have changed. If people don't have kids sure they don't need to comment like numerous other threads I pass on as I don't have that experience...

Maple

Lucyfur wrote: »

Honest question for a mod.

How is this a LL topic?

Surely it applies to both genders and is actually more suited to parenting?

I don't see how it wouldn't be a TLL topic though. Some of our posters here are parents.

Maple

Lucyfur

Maple wrote: »

I don't see how it wouldn't be a TLL topic though. Some of our posters here are parents.

Maple

Fair enough. Just confusing as if you open a thread on what to buy your husband for Christmas, it's moved to the gifts forum. And many members of tLL have husbands! I would have presumed that a thread on how you've changed since becoming a parent would be moved to the parenting forum I, personally, would seek opinions from parents in that particular forum.

pwurple

Ellsbells wrote: »

I dont think I have changed other than I have become softer - am sitting here crying because a child died on Criminal Minds :rolleyes:

How have you changed?

Well, that..mushier. Hormones I guess.

Also, i had amassed a wide spectrum of hobbies and interests pre baby. Some of those are now incompatible with the current lifestyle.. My motorbike is one. Into storage with it... Can't drop toddler off at creche on a motorbike, and I am convinced I am physically different. I am back to pre-prego weight, but my hips are still wider. Too wide for my leathers. Hmm.

Woodturning is another, blades, splinters and fast moving motors are no safe enough to have around anymore.

Oh, and I find myself consciously having to shut up and not tell another baby story. She is just soooo interesting!

Ellsbells

Lucyfur wrote: »

Fair enough. Just confusing as if you open a thread on what to buy your husband for Christmas, it's moved to the gifts forum. And many members of tLL have husbands! I would have presumed that a thread on how you've changed since becoming a parent would be moved to the parenting forum I, personally, would seek opinions from parents in that particular forum.

Why the big drama?

Should the grooming thread be move to appearances and the fantasy football to sport?? What would be left? I have no interest in those threads so I don't read them.

Lucyfur

Ellsbells wrote: »

Why the big drama?

Should the grooming thread be move to appearances and the fantasy football to sport?? What would be left? I have no interest in those threads so I don't read them.

Erm, drama?? Where?

And as a parent, I do have an interest in threads like this. Lots of loungers have children but lots don't, and many of those who don't, don't wish to ever have children. Whereas in parenting, the majority of posters have children....

Maple

Folks, going forward please keep your responses on topic. Failure to do so will result in infractions and bans being handed out.

Maple

deelite

I've become a great negotiator, referee and have realised that I am really last on the list!!!

cdaly_

pwurple wrote: »

Woodturning is another, blades, splinters and fast moving motors are no safe enough to have around anymore.

Keep the woodturning gear. It mightn't be safe to have around at the mo but if you get rid, you'll never start again. If you have it in storage, you'll eventually have time to go back to it.

ash23

In a bad way - I am less career driven. All I need is a job that pays the bills and allows me a decent work life balance. Funnily enough I fell into a job for those reasons and have eeked a career out of it but it's less about what I want to do and more about what I need to do.
I have less time for the things I love.


In a good way - I am more patient. More empathetic although I am still not the type to cry at movies/tv programmes. And I only go a little bit gooey at new babies. For a year after my child was born I would burst into tears at the sight of a new baby :rolleyes:
My life is more balanced now. I am more confident in myself and less inclined to worry about what people think. I feel like I have a purpose now. And a legacy. I never really felt that before.

But a lot of that might be age too. I was 20 having her, almost 30 now. Some might be parenting, some might be age......hard to know because both for me are intertwined.

lazygal

I'm quite a new parent but I honestly don't think its changed me to the core. I was the same person before I had my baby as I am now, I've just added the title of parent. I love my child, I can't imagine life without the baby and baby comes first. But I'm still the same ambitious person I was, I'm planning to return to college parttime in the autumn, I'll be going back to work and I've managed to maintain a level of normalcy in my life, meeting up with friends and having time to myself.

I'm lucky to have a supportive partner, who's helped and ensured I'm more than a mammy. This might be controversial, but I also think I've remained who I was before baby because I'm not overly maternal and never have been. I never got gooey eyed over babies and while I wanted a family, if life hadn't panned out that way I'd have dealt with it. I never saw myself as being put on the earth to be a mammy and being a mum is only one (albeit a very, very important) part of my life. I hope to be like my parents, who remained people and a couple as well as being parents. I think some parents forget they need to plan for a life after the children have flown the nest, your whole life can't be tied up with your children past a certain point.

eviltwin

I have 2 kids, 15 and 2. Honestly I don't know how I have changed. I had my first baby in my teens so I hadn't really found myself, I think I grew up with her really. I can't really say if the person I am now is the person I would have been had I waited or not.

I have changed since having my son but again I don't know if thats because of having him or because of age. Also it took 10 yrs to have him so I think I appreciate him all the more for that, had it been easy maybe I wouldn't be the same.

I'm a lot more patient I suppose, I am more interested in young people and the pressures they face, I am more practical now, I'll save more and things like that so the kids are provided for whereas before I wouldn't. I don't spend as much money on myself either, I'd rather put it towards them. I'm more fun, I have found my inner child again, I have more of a social conscience because I don't want my kids growing up in a world I don't like.

Das Kitty

Am I alone in the thought that parenthood hasn't changed me in any significant way?

I honestly can't think of one real way in which I approach the world differently that's directly attributed to having a child.

lazygal

Das Kitty wrote: »

Am I alone in the thought that parenthood hasn't changed me in any significant way?

I honestly can't think of one real way in which I approach the world differently that's directly attributed to having a child.

See my post above. I'm a parent, along with all the other things I was before the baby arrived and have continued life (getting my nails done, planning holidays and organising my study) without major upheaval. I actually found moving in together with my husband (when we were going out) a LOT more stressful than the baby arriving.

ash23

I don't know. Again maybe it's because I was so young having her, but most of my major life choices are made with being a parent in mind. From where I live, to my current job, to the car I drive, the dinners I cook, the way I spend my money, the holidays I take.

I am still me, but the decisions I make are made my me as a parent.

I don't make major decisions without factoring her in.

eviltwin

ash23 wrote: »

I don't know. Again maybe it's because I was so young having her, but most of my major life choices are made with being a parent in mind. From where I live, to my current job, to the car I drive, the dinners I cook, the way I spend my money, the holidays I take.

I am still me, but the decisions I make are made my me as a parent.

I don't make major decisions without factoring her in.

I agree with this. I'm still the same person I was, I haven't given up my hobbies, friends or interests but of course its only to be expected that with a baby or child you have less time and less money so you have to make sacrifices.

Das Kitty

lazygal wrote: »

See my post above. I'm a parent, along with all the other things I was before the baby arrived and have continued life (getting my nails done, planning holidays and organising my study) without major upheaval. I actually found moving in together with my husband (when we were going out) a LOT more stressful than the baby arriving.

Oh no, I found it a massive upheaveal at the time and extremely stressful.

I'm just saying that nothing about my personality has changed. I'm the same person.

lazygal

Das Kitty wrote: »

Oh no, I found it a massive upheaveal at the time and extremely stressful.

I'm just saying that nothing about my personality has changed. I'm the same person.

I see what you mean. I'd like to think I can adapt to any situation but also that I am enough of my own person not to need to change who I am because I'm now a parent. You can change some things throughout life but I feel my sense of self is pretty much unchangeable at this stage.

Ellsbells

lazygal wrote: »

I see what you mean. I'd like to think I can adapt to any situation but also that I am enough of my own person not to need to change who I am because I'm now a parent. You can change some things throughout life but I feel my sense of self is pretty much unchangeable at this stage.

Same as that... my baby has been pretty sick up to now so a lot of my activities have been paused but i know its only temporary. I want back in to the real world

xDramaxQueenx

From what I can see, having a child can make some mothers more selfish. I have worked in places where the attitude is, "Oh, I can't work that shift. I have a child." "Oh this weekend? No, I can't. Weekends is family time". "Christmas eve? I can't. I'm a mother."
I actually know one lady who changed jobs, and part of the job description was that every 2nd weekend had to be worked. She went ahead accepted the job, knowing this and then decided to kick up a fuss because weekends was her family time and she just wouldn't be able to work saturdays or sundays. Thats just how it was.

However, working christmas eve/weekends is fine for everyone else. What I would like to know is, why is parents time more precious than those of us that are childfree? There is a million other things I would prefer to be doing on weekends or national holidays, obviously enough. Parents in most cases chose to become parents. Its not the rest of our responsibilty to pick up the flack for them for time off they feel like they're entitled to, because they've popped out a child.

I'm not saying all parents are like this, obviously I haven't met all parents, however there are a majority who feel that their time takes priority over everyone elses. I can't imagine they were that selfish before having children.

Ellsbells

xDramaxQueenx wrote: »

I can't imagine they were that selfish before having children.

Who knows but I do know that the ones who were the engagement bores, became the wedding bores and then become the baby bores. I guess bores don't change.

ash23

xDramaxQueenx wrote: »

From what I can see, having a child can make some mothers more selfish. I have worked in places where the attitude is, "Oh, I can't work that shift. I have a child." "Oh this weekend? No, I can't. Weekends is family time". "Christmas eve? I can't. I'm a mother."
I actually know one lady who changed jobs, and part of the job description was that every 2nd weekend had to be worked. She went ahead accepted the job, knowing this and then decided to kick up a fuss because weekends was her family time and she just wouldn't be able to work saturdays or sundays. Thats just how it was.

However, working christmas eve/weekends is fine for everyone else. What I would like to know is, why is parents time more precious than those of us that are childfree? There is a million other things I would prefer to be doing on weekends or national holidays, obviously enough. Parents in most cases chose to become parents. Its not the rest of our responsibilty to pick up the flack for them for time off they feel like they're entitled to, because they've popped out a child.

I'm not saying all parents are like this, obviously I haven't met all parents, however there are a majority who feel that their time takes priority over everyone elses. I can't imagine they were that selfish before having children.

Personally I always worked Christmas Eve, preferring to be off New Years. But then I had a child and now I prefer it the other way around. I don't know anyone who is as you have described. I don't say "I can't work christmas eve because I have a child" but I do say "I'd prefer to be off Christmas eve if possible so I can spend it with my child".

If you want Christmas eve off or a weekend or whatever, then ask for it. But don't complain about the people who do stand up and ask for it.
Maybe being a parent just means you aren't afraid to speak your mind. Personally I'll ask in work for the time off. Maybe I just want it more than my childless counterparts. Maybe I just get it because I ask first because I am always thinking ahead.
Maybe you should broach it with HR so that a fairer system is introduced in your workplace, ensuring everyone has equal opportunity to take the time off when needed.

runawaybishop

xDramaxQueenx wrote: »

From what I can see, having a child can make some mothers more selfish. I have worked in places where the attitude is, "Oh, I can't work that shift. I have a child." "Oh this weekend? No, I can't. Weekends is family time". "Christmas eve? I can't. I'm a mother."
I actually know one lady who changed jobs, and part of the job description was that every 2nd weekend had to be worked. She went ahead accepted the job, knowing this and then decided to kick up a fuss because weekends was her family time and she just wouldn't be able to work saturdays or sundays. Thats just how it was.

However, working christmas eve/weekends is fine for everyone else. What I would like to know is, why is parents time more precious than those of us that are childfree? There is a million other things I would prefer to be doing on weekends or national holidays, obviously enough. Parents in most cases chose to become parents. Its not the rest of our responsibilty to pick up the flack for them for time off they feel like they're entitled to, because they've popped out a child.

I'm not saying all parents are like this, obviously I haven't met all parents, however there are a majority who feel that their time takes priority over everyone elses. I can't imagine they were that selfish before having children.

People use their kids as excuses to slack off all the time. If they didn't have kids they'd come up with a different reason.

xDramaxQueenx

ash23 wrote: »

Personally I always worked Christmas Eve, preferring to be off New Years. But then I had a child and now I prefer it the other way around. I don't know anyone who is as you have described. I don't say "I can't work christmas eve because I have a child" but I do say "I'd prefer to be off Christmas eve if possible so I can spend it with my child".

If you want Christmas eve off or a weekend or whatever, then ask for it. But don't complain about the people who do stand up and ask for it.
Maybe being a parent just means you aren't afraid to speak your mind. Personally I'll ask in work for the time off. Maybe I just want it more than my childless counterparts. Maybe I just get it because I ask first because I am always thinking ahead.
Maybe you should broach it with HR so that a fairer system is introduced in your workplace, ensuring everyone has equal opportunity to take the time off when needed.

Oh believe me, we've asked for christmas eve off, but it is given to the mothers and nobody else, at least in the industry and jobs I have worked.

eviltwin

Depends on the job and the people. I have never asked for time off just because I have kids. I work in a job in social care so its all sorts of mad hours and no time off at Christmas. I just suck it up. We all have families, most of us are mothers of kids or teens and never have I seen anyone try and use that to their advantage.

ash23

xDramaxQueenx wrote: »

Oh believe me, we've asked for christmas eve off, but it is given to the mothers and nobody else, at least in the industry and jobs I have worked.

Then blame HR and not the parents

We have to all apply for the days we want and then management make a decision based on previous years. Fairs fair.

But I wouldn't diss parents for taking the opportunities handed to them. I'd blame HR for their bias.

username123

Ive seen the 'Ive children so cant stay late or do weekends' a lot too - but generally what happens there is that the time for a promotion or raise comes along and the person who did stay late or worked weekends gets it.

Im not a mother but Id like to contribute to this thread with a positive change Ive seen in some mothers I know. A sense of contentment or calmness that they didnt have prior to motherhood. Maybe its the fullfillment of motherhood, maybe its the busyness of it, maybe its total devotion to another person, I dont know. But I do know a few mothers who have become much much calmer and happier individuals than they were prior to being mothers.

(I know a few who are more stressed out too lol!)

xDramaxQueenx

Not all jobs have HR departments. What I don't understand is why take a job, knowing the system of the rota, and still expect to be excused from weekends because that's "family time". Could you imagine the bosses face if one of us asked to be excused from weekend shifts as thats "socialising time"?

I'm not accusing all parents of taking advantage and expecting special treatment, I've worked with enough people to know that isn't always the case, but it is the case unfortunately with an awful lot of parents. Just stop expecting everyone else to pander to you.

runawaybishop

eviltwin wrote: »

We all have families, most of us are mothers of kids or teens and never have I seen anyone try and use that to their advantage.

Google top 10 excuses for missing work - pretending your kids are sick is always in it.

eviltwin

runawaybishop wrote: »

Google top 10 excuses for missing work - pretending your kids are sick is always in it.

I've no doubt there are people who take the piss and use their kids as excuses but its not something I would ever do nor have I ever seen anyone else do. Of course we all want to have weekends or holidays off - who doesn't - but I wouldn't abuse it. We have a rota system so if you were on one holiday you're off the next, its a fair system and it means no one gets more than their fair share.

runawaybishop

eviltwin wrote: »

I've no doubt there are people who take the piss and use their kids as excuses but its not something I would ever do nor have I ever seen anyone else do. Of course we all want to have weekends or holidays off - who doesn't - but I wouldn't abuse it. We have a rota system so if you were on one holiday you're off the next, its a fair system and it means no one gets more than their fair share.

I wasn't pointing the finger at you personally, just pointing out that its extremely common.

Ellsbells wrote: »

Well I now have to take months of UNPAID parental leave because my baby is sick... Not all parents are b-s'ing when they are off work because their kids are sick.

Your own experience is not definitive. A single instance does not disprove the fact that many people are spoofers.

xDramaxQueenx

eviltwin wrote: »

I've no doubt there are people who take the piss and use their kids as excuses but its not something I would ever do nor have I ever seen anyone else do. Of course we all want to have weekends or holidays off - who doesn't - but I wouldn't abuse it. We have a rota system so if you were on one holiday you're off the next, its a fair system and it means no one gets more than their fair share.

To be fair my boss does this all the time. She comes in late in the morning, its "The little fella was sick". She goes home early and when her clients are in we make excuses and tell them that she had to leave because he was sick. People must think the child has a serious disability or something since he's sick at least twice a week.

ash23

I've also had to take time off when my child was sick. But it's not a made up excuse. I'm parenting alone and what else am I meant to do with her?

I agree a parent shouldn't take a job knowing the expected hours will clash with their parenting commitments. But in my place of work, the hours suit. But sometimes we are asked to go away to conferences or meetings or work overtime and yeah, on occasion I've had to say "no I can't, I have a child". It's not a get out clause, it's just a fact. I arrange childcare around my job and outside of that, it's just me so I have to be there. And if work clashes with her needing me, she'll win out every time.

As for not having a HR dept, there is surely someone in charge that can be broached about the unfairness you feel occurs in your place of work?

eviltwin

You know what - life happens. I had to take a week off work a few years back when my dad became very ill, it was very last minute and probably put some people out but what do you do? I remember a guy I once worked with was out for a month after breaking his leg on a ski trip. I have had phone calls from "sick" staffers on a Monday morning, people taking time off for hospital appointments etc

Its all very well taking a job and planning to be there when you are required to be but a bit of flexibility has to be expected.

runawaybishop

ash23 wrote: »

But sometimes we are asked to go away to conferences or meetings or work overtime and yeah, on occasion I've had to say "no I can't, I have a child". It's not a get out clause, it's just a fact. I arrange childcare around my job and outside of that, it's just me so I have to be there. And if work clashes with her needing me, she'll win out every time.

The fact that you have a kid should be irrelevant - if you cant make the conference/meeting etc then you can't make it.

username123

eviltwin wrote: »

You know what - life happens.

It does, but sometimes it can seem as though parents are given some kind of special treatment. I had one job where there were 4 of us who could fix/deal with system problems. If there was a problem you could not go home unless it was fixed because it stopped production - basically there would be a carpark of guys standing round smoking until it was fixed. Of the 4 of us, 2 were parents. They NEVER had to stay. It wasnt even questioned. System went down, the two of them would pack up, and say to the two of us left - best of luck with that, leave me a note for the morning if there is anything I need to know. And off theyd go. Meanwhile Id be sweating it out til whatever time.

ash23

runawaybishop wrote: »

A single instance does not disprove the fact that many people are spoofers.

Just to point out the reality of not coming in because your child is sick

1- you (if your company are generous and let you use Force Majeure Leave for a minor illness) are only entitled to a maximum of 3 days in any 12-month period or 5 days in a 36-month period. hardly excessive.

2 - otherwise you use annual leave or take unpaid leave.


I don't know many people who want to use up all their holidays on sitting at home with a sick child, or many who can afford to lose a days wages because of a sick child.

It's not like taking a paid sick day.

ash23

runawaybishop wrote: »

The fact that you have a kid should be irrelevant - if you cant make the conference/meeting etc then you can't make it.

Well thank god I'm not so fearful of others that I am afraid to give the reason as to WHY I can't make it. It might be within my right to say "no I can't make it" but I do prefer to give a valid reason rather than just saying no. Thankfully my peers don't judge me as being flaky because of it.

Oh and I worked somewhere where the people who weren't local got preferential treatment, because they had to travel home at weekends.

I wonder do those feeling hard done by ever say "no"??? Or think that those with kids negotiated better terms with employers? Personally I said upfront in my job interview that weekends and evenings were not possible. I got the job on those terms. Someone else might not have said that and said they'd be available weekends and evenings and then get the hump because I never do it.
As a parent I knew my limitations and was upfront about it from the get-go, therefore I am not expected to do any of that stuff.
Not my fault that I negotiated better terms. Someone else covering the lates might have negotiated better pay. Who knows?

eviltwin

username123 wrote: »

It does, but sometimes it can seem as though parents are given some kind of special treatment. I had one job where there were 4 of us who could fix/deal with system problems. If there was a problem you could not go home unless it was fixed because it stopped production - basically there would be a carpark of guys standing round smoking until it was fixed. Of the 4 of us, 2 were parents. They NEVER had to stay. It wasnt even questioned. System went down, the two of them would pack up, and say to the two of us left - best of luck with that, leave me a note for the morning if there is anything I need to know. And off theyd go. Meanwhile Id be sweating it out til whatever time.

That's an issue for management, if you feel you are being treated unfairly why would you stand for it?

I'm all for giving people a bit of leeway if they are dealing with something in their personal life, done it before and I know they will look after me if I need the help one day but all the time? I'd resent that but I wouldn't just take it, I'd be talking to someone higher up about it.

meeeeh

I used to dislike children. Now I at least like my own.

runawaybishop

ash23 wrote: »

Just to point out the reality of not coming in because your child is sick

1- you (if your company are generous and let you use Force Majeure Leave for a minor illness) are only entitled to a maximum of 3 days in any 12-month period or 5 days in a 36-month period. hardly excessive.

2 - otherwise you use annual leave or take unpaid leave.


I don't know many people who want to use up all their holidays on sitting at home with a sick child, or many who can afford to lose a days wages because of a sick child.

It's not like taking a paid sick day.

The reality is that blaming your kids is one of the top ten reasons for missing work. You can easily Google this. There is no law that says employers cannot pay you for a sick day btw.

Again, the fact that you "don't know many people" who call in sick and use their kids as an excuse, unpaid or not, doesn't mean anything. It happens and its common - just behind the old "I have a 24 hour bug" chestnut on most surveys I've read.

Ellsbells

Dunno if everything that comes out of Google is 'reality'...

ash23

Yes but my point is that while it's a big "excuse" I don't see why it's being held over parents heads on this thread. The people who ring in now about their kids being sick were probably the same people who rang in 10 years ago with dead grannies, stomach flu or car trouble. A flake is a flake.
Having a child doesn't make someone a flake.

username123

eviltwin wrote: »

That's an issue for management, if you feel you are being treated unfairly why would you stand for it?

I'm all for giving people a bit of leeway if they are dealing with something in their personal life, done it before and I know they will look after me if I need the help one day but all the time? I'd resent that but I wouldn't just take it, I'd be talking to someone higher up about it.

The manager at the time also was a parent so he used to fall on the side of the parents. As did his boss. I stood for it cos it was a great paying job and I was naive enough to power trip a bit cos I was so important that the company needed me to stay late (bigger eejit me!!).

The 2 guys in question were reasonably lazy in other ways too. Im just reporting a particular situation I experienced - I wasnt resentful at the time or indeed now, but these things do happen.

meeeeh

runawaybishop wrote: »

The reality is that blaming your kids is one of the top ten reasons for missing work. You can easily Google this. There is no law that says employers cannot pay you for a sick day btw.

Again, the fact that you "don't know many people" who call in sick and use their kids as an excuse, unpaid or not, doesn't mean anything. It happens and its common - just behind the old "I have a 24 hour bug" chestnut on most surveys I've read.

I presume you have some research to support your claim. And I don't mean something in HEllo. Maybe we are lucky but neither in my parent's business nor in our own we had any excessive absenteeism because people had children.

eviltwin

Anyone who uses their child as an excuse to bunk off work on a regular basis is obviously not the kind of person who takes their job seriously in the first place and would probably find another reason to get a day off if they didn't have kids.